“Sapiosexual” Is The New Stupid Term For Straight People Who Want To Feel Special

I was just hate-reading Cosmo, as one does, when I came across an article called “6 Men And Women Get Real About What It’s Like To Be A Sapiosexual.” Because I enjoy angering myself (and because I continue to ignore my doctor’s advice to avoid stressful situations to keep my blood pressure at a healthy rate), I clicked on it. Now, I’m vaguely aware of the concept of “sapiosexuality” because I listed to one Ab Soul song one time. For those of you who don’t spend 16 hours a day on Tumblr aren’t familiar, a “sapiosexual” is defined as “a person who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing,” aka ALL FUCKING PEOPLE who would describe themselves as smart. Like, come on. You don’t find it attractive when someone is dumb as rocks? Congratulations, you’re a member of the not completely shallow section of humanity. Welcome. We’ve been here for years without trying to make up a fake-ass label for ourselves to seem “special” and “interesting.”

In case you’re like “well IDK maybe this is a real thing, who am I to judge” let’s look to the original article for clues as to why this is definitely not, in fact, a thing. And in case you’re wondering, yes I am qualified to judge given that I am God. Anywho, in this piece, Cosmo interviews six so-called sapiosexuals. Like, I don’t want to sound like a certain recently fired conservative talk show host, but if there was ever a case for the “special snowflake millennial syndrome,” this would be it right here. 

Cosmo starts with, “Sapiosexual isn’t just a buzzy word popping up on people’s OkCupid profiles, it’s a real thing.” Uh, okay. Compelling point you made that’s backed up with zero evidence other than this blanket statement and the word of a handful of millennials (we’ll get to that in a sec). 

First off, every person interviewed is between the ages of 22 and 26. That already should tell you the type of people we’re dealing with (*cough* hipsters *cough*). Here’s how a few of them describe what being a sapiosexual means to them:

Woman A: That I find a person’s intelligence, wit, grasp on academia, and worldly perspectives far more attractive than their looks.

You and literally everyone who’s gone to college.

Woman C: I identify as a sapiosexual, because to me talking about chemistry is the equivalent of talking dirty to me.

Great, you’re a nerd. Last time I checked, that’s not a sexuality.

Fancy

And here’s them on when they first “realized” they were a sapiosexual.

Woman A: Definitely early in college when I figured out what I wanted to be in my life.

Woman B: Probably when I was 20 and had just left my high school boyfriend and entered the college hook-up scene.

Woman C: I think I was 17 when I realized it.

Man C: I guess I realized I was sapiosexual in college? That’s when I really started to date women from outside my friend circles and realized what turned me on other than looks.

Okay so…. two-thirds of y’all are in or about to go to college aka an institution of higher learning when you “just happened” to realize you’re attracted to smart people? And you don’t think that could be a product of being in an environment that’s focused on learning and not, ya know, because you fall under some new sexuality category that has only been “discovered” in like, the past three years?

On what makes someone attractive to them:

Woman A: I’m attracted most to men if they can engage me in debate-like conversations (whether it’s about who the best Mario Kart character is, or discussing John Oliver).

Oh, so you’re attracted to regular fucking people who can hold a conversation.

Groundbreaking

Man C: She needs to be cute, smart, and classy

In other words…

Man C: *Goes on record to Cosmopolitan to talk about how novel his sexuality is*

Also Man C: *likes the same qualities in a woman as every fucking straight guy ever*

Yeah, that’s all I’m getting into for today. This shit is ridiculous. From what I was able to glean through the power of context clues, every single one of these people is straight, and every single one is a millennial. How much do you want to bet they’re all white? Because I’m white and even I can recognize this is some grade-A level extra white people shit. Just say intelligence is important to you—it’s not that hard.

Look. Every smart person is also attracted to smart people. That’s because generally most people want to date other people they can relate to and talk to…this is not a new concept. Could one perhaps be so into intelligence it can border on fetishism? It’s possible. Does it warrant a special sexuality label and the self-righteous belief that you’re ~different than other straight people? Fuck no. You are just a garden-variety straight person. WHICH IS FINE. Accept it! Why not just enjoy your continued privilege of being able to marry whoever you want and not get harassed or attacked for being seen with your SO in public, rather than trying to make up new sexualities so you can feel edgy and misunderstood and slightly oppressed?

Girl Bye

Yeah, you can all kindly GTFO of here with this. And I recommend to you all that if you come across a dating profile that says “sapiosexual”, RUN. Or like, swipe left.

Drinking Wine Makes You Smart, Study Finds, So We’re All Geniuses

Booze makes you do stupid shit, but according to science, it might actually make you smarter in the long run—or at least, one specific kind of booze does. According to a Yale scientist/fellow alcoholic, wine is a workout for your brain. I repeat: The contents of that bottle you’re hiding under your desk right now doesn’t actually kill your brain cells after all—it actually works them out. In other words, my brain cells are like, marathon runners. If a higher power exists, she’s obviously a betch.

In an upcoming book written by Yale School of Medicine professor Dr. Gordon Shephard, the neuroscientist claims he’s found a correlation between drinking wine and overall intelligence. The catch? You have to do the whole annoying sniff-and-taste thing to get the full benefits. According to the good doctor, analyzing a glass of wine before you taste it uses thousands of smell and taste receptors and it requires you to exert a bunch of fine motor control over your tongue. Ugh, don’t tell the pretentious hipsters they’re actually onto something.

Once all that information is sent to the brain, Dr. Shephard believes it requires more processing power than music or math (so my 6th grade algebra teacher can suck it). According to his theory, the taste of wine is dependent on the drinker’s brain, and formulating the whole quote-unquote “experience” takes a lot of brainpower. It’s basically the scientific way of saying wine tastes different from person to person—truly groundbreaking stuff. All this basically confirms what I was trying to tell my dad all along: skipping freshman year calc to drink Franzia in my dorm room was actually making me smarter after all.

The best part? This isn’t the first time someone has claimed alcohol makes you smarter. In 2014, research by the University of Illinois Chicago found that people who had had a little to drink were able to solve basic problems faster than sober nerds; the booze relaxed their brains and helped them think more creatively. Which is precisely the same reason why I always write my French papers a little tipsy, but until now I didn’t realize there was science behind it. A 2010 study even found that women who didn’t drink at all had lower cognitive abilities than those who drank in moderation, so nondrinkers aren’t just boring—they’re literally stupid. Honestly, anyone could have told scientists that, but I guess they had to discover it for themselves.

Also, researchers have found that alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells no matter how much you black out. I mean, you might wind up doing other stuff that kills your brain cells while you’re super drunk, but that’s for sober you to deal with. I’m not a doctor or anything, but don’t do a mountain of cocaine and huff glue in a single night and you should be fine.

In conclusion, I’d like to thank the region of Bordeaux for giving me the tools to be the woman I am today. Given the amount of wine I drink, I’m a genius.

People Who Get Up Early Are Literally Not Very Smart, Study Finds

It’s a sad fact that wine and gym memberships cost money, so unless you’re part of the Kardashian/Jenner clan, you have to show up to work every weekday after a protracted battle with your alarm clock. According to a recent study, though, your relationship with the snooze button doesn’t mean you’re lazy; instead, it might reaffirm your status as a gift to man- and womankind.

Beautiful

In a British paper, researchers Satoshi Kanazawa and Kaja Perina point out that for most of human history, people have been letting the sun set their sleep schedule, because trying to get shit done in the dark is impossible. Electric lights and alarms are pretty recent inventions, so Kanazawa and Perina claim that evolution hasn’t prepared us for the modern way of living, aka staying up past sundown and using alarm clocks to wake up. This led them to believe that people who sleep in are more adaptable, and therefore more intelligent, than tryhards who leap out of bed in the morning like our ancestors did.

To test their idea, researchers used data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, which followed more than 15,000 people from when they were kids into adulthood. As you can guess from the name, the survey asked participants a bunch of health-related questions over the years (from 1995 to 2008, to be exact), but researchers focused on comparing sleep patterns and IQ tests to see if they were related.

What they found should excuse all those times you’ve rolled into the office three hours late. According to their analysis, kids with higher IQs were more likely to report nocturnal sleep patterns as adults. In other words, more intelligent kids grew up to be the kind of adult who’s always late to brunch because they were awake until 3am scrolling through Instagram/replaying embarrassing moments from childhood/writing the next great American novel.

Hangover

Honestly, I’m not at all surprised because anyone who voluntarily wakes up before 9am on a Saturday must be brain damaged.

But wait! There’s more! Tbh, the study authors are making some pretty broad claims here. Their idea is that nocturnal people are more adaptable and therefore more intelligent, but you may have noticed that their study didn’t actually test the adaptability part. It just found some correlations between sleep patterns and IQ, which is the kind of research that takes, like, the bare minimum of effort. Psychologists—they’re just like us! Because clearly these guys phoned it in. 

On the other hand, other studies have shown that night owls stay mentally alert longer than morning people, and they tend to be less stressed. So morning people can keep doing their thing at an ungodly hour, but I’ll be hitting the snooze button for as long as I damn well please because I thought watching 14 episodes of Workaholics in a row was a good idea last night. (Spoiler alert: It was.)