It’s no secret that Justin Bieber is not the sweetest candy in the candy jar. I mean…just last week he bought two kittens for $35,000 and then told PETA to “suck it” when they criticized him for not adopting. In 2013 he brought a baby monkey with him on tour to Germany where the monkey was seized and given to a German zoo because he decided it wasn’t worth keeping. So when he posted an Insta story of himself making fun of Taylor Swift over a lighthearted post-surgery video, obviously nobody was surprised.
The backstory involves Taylor Swift, Jimmy Fallon, pain pills and Taylor’s mom. What could go wrong? Taylor appeared on The Tonight Show last Thursday where Jimmy asked her if she recently had undergone lasik eye surgery. She genuinely seemed surprised when she hesitantly said yes, and soon he announced that her mother had sent him a video of her recovering, all hopped up on pills. By no means am I a Taylor fan, but the video is actually very funny. She cries over choosing the wrong banana and is still upset after her mom says she’ll eat “the one with no head” that she left behind. I mean, who doesn’t love a good post-surgery video? Taylor, although mortified, was a good sport while she and the world watched her Mother and Jimmy’s prank unfold.
Taylor Swift's mom shares funny video of her weeping over a banana after surgery https://t.co/Jr30fmlcBI
— TODAY (@TODAYshow) October 4, 2019
Apparently, our dear exotic-animal-loving Justin Bieber also caught wind of the video and tried impersonating it on his Insta story while Hailey Baldwin laughed in the background before saying “that was so funny” like a girl in high school trying to convince the quarterback to take her to homecoming. The video lasts all of 14 seconds, and Justin is not a comedian, so stop lying to him, Hailey!! This is how hot people end up thinking they’re funny when they are in fact not!!
— Taylor Swift News (@TSwiftNZ) October 7, 2019
I’m not even upset that Justin is making fun of Taylor, literally who cares? It was a funny video and people are going to impersonate it. I am, however, upset by how poorly done the video is and how unfunny of an “impersonation” it is. Also, the fact that Justin and Taylor have had quite the tumultuous relationship in the past makes the video go from an unfunny famous person making fun of another famous person to an unfunny person trolling someone he’s had a history of trolling before.
This past summer Taylor was in a whirlwind of drama when music producer Scooter Braun, who has been Justin’s manager since he was just a tiny little baby on Youtube, bought the masters to Taylor’s music against her wishes. A whole slew of famous people rushed to Instagram and Twitter to defend either Taylor or Scooter, and Justin, who at the beginning of his career opened for Taylor’s tour, defended Scooter. Bros stick with other entitled bros, I suppose! In a now-deleted Instagram post, Justin posted a screenshot of a FaceTime between him, Scooter and Kanye West, who has his own slew of drama with Taylor, and made a joke about him one day owning all his music with a cute little caption reading “Taylor Swift What Up.”
So is Justin Bieber making a joke about Taylor being pilled out and crying over a banana after lasik a big deal? No. I’ve literally been made fun of for so much worse…like…this week. The issue lies in the fact that they’re not friends, so it’s mean! If I was her and I saw that Insta story I would call PETA on his $35,000 cats, bleach all of his sh*tty clothes and drag him for filth on all my social media, so it seems she’s much more of a lover than I. (See what I did there? lol.) So keep getting your lasik and taking your pills, girl! It’s my favorite video of yours this whole year, and I’m including “Me!” and “You Need to Calm Down!”
Images: Giphy (1) / Twitter (2)
I’ll admit that when news of the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment allegations, my thought process was basically, “Oh, an extremely high-powered white man getting accused of abusing his power and terrorizing women? Why am I not surprised?” And I went back to whatever I was doing on that day—probably my regularly scheduled anxiety spiral that Trump will plunge us all into World War III and institute another Holocaust. You know, the usual. But now that Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie have come out and made accusations, and a recording surfaced of Weinstein admitting to groping a woman, this shit is just too awful for me to put on the backburner. I only have SO much mental energy to devote to things that won’t contribute to my immediate and untimely death, ya know? Well, no more. Just gotta throw these Harvey Weinstein allegations into my existing anxiety spiral. Just fuck me up, fam. Anyway, Vanessa Carlton (throwback) had an interesting take on this situation, and it involved shading Taylor Swift, Gwyneth Paltrow, and I think Harvey Weinstein, all in one fell swoop? I’m not really sure. She just came out here firing shots with no regard for human life.
On her Instagram Story, Vanessa posted the following message:
Wow, okay. There’s a lot to unpack here. First off, Vanessa honey, love the verb. I would also add to that definition, though, “When one doesn’t comment on a situation even though one has a moral and ethical obligation to comment on such a situation because one has built one’s career around the issues surrounding said situation…” I.e., Taylor Swift claiming to be a feminist, building her entire 1989 album and its promotion around being a feminist and having a “girl squad,” yet not speaking up during Donald Trump’s “grab ’em by the pussy” saga or really much of the election cycle in general and tearing other women down who steal her
boyfriends backup dancers all the time… you all know what I mean. This isn’t exactly groundbreaking. So, yes, LOVE “Taylor Swifting” and I will be using it in many future situations, like towards my aunt who voted for Trump because he was “the only one looking out for middle America,” who has worked as an educator all her life and still supported Betsy DeVos’ nomination as Secretary of Education because she’s an “outsider”. How’s that working out for ya, CAROLE?
Anyway, although I do love the term I’ve got to say, the entire purpose of this Instagram Story makes no sense. This was apparently posted yesterday, and news about Gwyneth Paltrow’s accusations also came out yesterday. Vanessa quickly apologized and said she hadn’t seen the story yet, but still—very bad timing. It’s also pretty fucked up to call out a woman who’s been through sexual harassment and possibly assault. I watch enough Law & Order: SVU and just have enough common sense in general to understand that there are a number of reasons a survivor of abuse would be reluctant to speak out against her abuser, especially if that abuser is one of the most powerful men in her field. There was no reason to come for Gwyneth. None.
Also, even though I am here for Taylor Swifting in general—and all roasting of Taylor Swift for that matter, for now until the end of time—the verb is not accurate at all in the context in which it is being used, because Taylor Swift did speak out against the man who groped her—she did so very publicly, in fact, by suing her for the excessive sum of one whole American dollar. However, in regards to issues such as gun violence, racism, intersectionality, etc., “Taylor Swifting” still stands. But as far as trying to call out Taylor Swift for inaction against sexual harassment? No, ma’am. You can take one giant seat.
So like, nice verb, wrong place and time. Vanessa, if I may offer some advice: Maybe just go back to whatever it is you were doing before this unfortunate Instagram story. Just sit back and collect that White Chicks money, and think before you post next time.