As I’m sure you’re aware by now, there’s a new Taylor Swift album! Announced just 16 hours before its release, folklore comes less than a year after Taylor’s last album, and it’s a major departure from her recent music. She wrote and recorded the album entirely in quarantine, which officially makes me feel like the least productive person on the planet. Oh well.
The album is actually pretty great, and it’s the perfect soundtrack to what is definitely the saddest summer in recent memory. Taylor Swift stans are already picking apart the hidden meanings in every little lyric, but I don’t have the attention span (or the desire) to do that, so instead, I picked out the lyrics that will make the best Instagram captions for all your summer 2020 posts.
I’m Doing Good, I’m On Some New Sh*t
Song: “the 1”
This is the very first line of the album (the song is “the 1”), and right away, Taylor lets us know she’s not f*cking around. Idk exactly what being “on some new sh*t” means for Taylor, but it’s an instant classic caption. This works for any photo where you want to convey that you’re a queen, like a beach pic or a rooftop shot. This summer might be lame, but you can still remind everyone how hot you are and rake in the likes on Instagram.
“I’m doing good I’m on some new shit” – me, on the same exact shit I was on before
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2020
You Know The Greatest Films Of All Time Were Never Made
Song: “the 1”
Wow, a second banger of a caption, and we’re still on the first verse of “the 1”. This lyric stuck out to be because it’s basically the 2o20 version of “you are a cinema, I could watch you forever.” If you didn’t have a Facebook album with that as the title, you’re too young to be reading this. This is definitely a caption for an annoyingly cute photo of you and your S.O., which I will begrudgingly double tap.
When You Are Young They Assume You Know Nothing
I’m still deciding how I feel about “cardigan,” but this lyric is perfect for any photo that makes you look smart. Reading a book, posing with a book, just wearing glasses, you get the idea. I wouldn’t personally use this caption, but I went to college with about 500 people who definitely would.
There Goes The Maddest Woman This Town Has Ever Seen
Song: “the last great american dynasty”
The title “the last great american dynasty” sounds like a Lana Del Rey knock-off, but I digress. This lyric is a fun general vibe that could basically go with any picture of you. It’s kind of like a modern update of “well-behaved women seldom make history,” meaning it’s only a matter of time before your middle school English teacher has it printed on a bookmark.
I Think I’ve Seen This Film Before, And I Didn’t Like The Ending
I mean, talk about a 2020 mood. This year feels like a combination of 2016, 1918 (I imagine), and every sh*tty year in between. This second film-themed option feels appropriate for any post that’s generally about 2020 being awful, which is like, most posts these days. Also, Bon Iver is perfect, so “exile” is automatically one of my favorite songs on the album.
I Want You To Know I’m A Mirrorball
The actual song “mirrorball” is pretty depressing, but when it comes to Instagram captions, the mental image of a shiny disco ball is too good to pass up. Sadly, going out photos aren’t really a thing right now, but if you’re doing fun makeup for any reason, or wearing something sparkly, this is a solid option.
August Sipped Away Like A Bottle Of Wine
August is somehow only a week away (what is time?), so file this one away to use in a month. July went by way too fast, and next month will probably be the same. This will be THE caption for any posts complaining about how another lame month has already come and gone. Summer 2020 is basically just a blur at this point, but at least Taylor found a creative way to say it.
This Is Me Trying
Song: “this is me trying”
Whomst among us cannot relate to this?? Both in quarantimes and like, always, “this is me trying” is basically my response to anyone asking me for anything. Especially in 2020, this is an ideal caption for a photo where you did the bare minimum (but still look hot). Think pajama pics, no makeup selfies, or bragging that you finally washed your hair. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
when my boss says I need to give 50% more effort pic.twitter.com/WuIpijDyAN
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2020
Gave Me The Blues And Then Purple Pink Skies
Song: “invisible string”
If you’re posting any kind of sunset pic, this is IT. This lyric from “invisible string” strikes the perfect balance between sad girl summer vibes and just sounding vaguely pretty, so it kind of goes with anything. Everyone loves a caption that goes with the color scheme of the photo.
It’s Obvious That Wanting Me Dead Has Really Brought You Two Together
Song: “mad woman”
There’s a rumor that this lyric from “mad woman” is about Kim and Kanye, which like, maybe. But speculation aside, this is the perfect caption if you have an ex who still follows you that you absolutely hate. He knows what he did! Or even if you’re perpetually single and the whole dramatic ex scenario is just in your imagination, it’s still kind of a fun and mysterious caption idea.
when you tell a Karen she can’t get a haircut for three months pic.twitter.com/3pn1KDl5ua
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2020
Happy listening, and happy captioning! This is probably the nicest article I’ve ever written about Taylor Swift, so if you have thoughts on these caption ideas, please feel free to not slide into my DMs. It’s not that deep.
Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com
The holidays are an… interesting time to be one half of a couple. (Or like, a third of a throuple, or whatever. I’m not judging, it’s 2018.) Whether you’re figuring out if your fling is serious enough to buy a legitimate gift or trying to coordinate time with each other’s families, the whole thing is a season-long struggle. If there’s one holiday thing you definitely shouldn’t be f*cking up this year, it’s your Instagram captions. Here are 7 captions to avoid if you want to enter 2019 with a group of loyal followers who don’t hate you.
“Baby, All I Want For Christmas Is You”
Please be honest with me for a moment. When you type “Baby, all I want for Christmas is you” as an Instagram caption for a photo of you and whoever you’re banging, what are you hoping to accomplish? Like, what kind of a response are you anticipating? Do you think people are going to be like “lol, love that song!” Because let me tell you, it’s not going to happen. Also, not to get too pedantic, but you already have the person you would want for Christmas, so really, the lyric doesn’t even make sense in this context. IMHO, you’re better off throwing down a Christmas tree emoji and calling it a day.
Something About Being On The Naughty List
Um, ew. Do I even need to explain this one? Joking about being on the naughty list all by your single self is cringeworthy enough. Do not drag your poor, innocent
prisoner partner into it, too. Keep that private, please.
Anything About Sitting On Laps
Just… don’t do it. I have nothing else to say about this.
“Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal”
If you’re feeling tempted to refer to your significant other as a “filthy animal”… maybe, just don’t. No matter how you try to angle it, it just feels icky. Also, I’m still not convinced that half of the people who use this caption actually know where it comes from, and there are plenty of Reddit threads and Quora questions to prove my point. If you don’t get the reference, you don’t deserve to use it as your caption. Those are just the rules of Instagram.
Particularly the phrase “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” I’ll admit, I’ve definitely done this before but… we all have. Which is why it is now officially deemed stale. Unless your photo has a true Elf hook, don’t shoehorn this true Christmas classic into your photo of you and your beloved making out. However, the one Elf quote that is acceptable for everyone to use is “So, good news. I saw a dog today.” That’s it.
“The Tree Isn’t The Only Thing Getting Lit This Year”
Did the single sip of eggnog that you had just for a photo op in front of the tree suddenly send you back to 2015? Yes, most of us still say “lit” ironically in daily conversation, but that does not mean that it is relevant enough to serve as an Instagram caption. It’s kind of like “bae”. We still say it, but we do not utilize it in public-facing communications. I don’t make the rules, I just observe them.
“Meet Me Under The Mistletoe”
Okay, not to turn into one of those psychos who pushes their Christmas traditions on everyone, à la the people who get up in arms about Starbucks cups every year, but… am I the only one who strongly believes that mistletoe is best used for people who are NOT in a relationship? Like, that’s boring. It’s more fun to grab a CONSENTING crush and be like “lol, guess we have to kiss now!” This is not an excuse for committed people to practice PDA! (I would like to take this moment to again highlight the importance of CONSENT! Do not be creepy!)
Really, when creating your couples Instagram captions this holiday season, it’s best to keep in mind that all your single friends are rolling their eyes and sh*t talking you to their other single friends. Guess we’re just jealous! Or tired of seeing every single couple post the same picture, thinking they’re original. You decide!
Images: Giphy (4)
There’s really no getting around it; couples have reached peak annoyance in 2018. They used to cap off at replacing “I” with “we” and copious amounts of PDA, but now we’re at a point where the limit to how cringeworthy a couple can be does not exist. I’m not even just saying this as a bitter single betch with a snarky Hinge bio. I’m one half of a couple and I’m literally on my own damn nerves. Honestly, there are millions of reasons why the secondhand symptoms of monogamy are at an all-time worst, but the main culprit here is Instagram. And I’m talking about the captions. Like, there’s nothing outwardly offensive about a photo of a couple standing in front of something moderately scenic. But throw a caption on it—that’s basically always the reason people hate a couple. Here are a few of the very worst couples Instagram captions ones that you should avoid at all costs.
And no, I’m not going to give you any advice on how to write good couples Instagram captions, because I do not believe there is a safe plan of action to follow here. Basically, we’re all just f*cked. Just make sure to never find yourself typing “cutest couples Instagram captions” into the Pinterest search bar, or you’ll officially have become a lost cause.
1. “This Guy ????”
This is arguably the most annoying couples Instagram caption in existence. First off, it’s just plain lazy. Secondly, it’s vague as hell. I’m definitely not suggesting that you DTR on every Instagram caption from here on out—that’s the absolute last thing you should be doing—I’m just saying, this caption isn’t going to make you appear chill enough to successfully convince everyone that you’re not disgustingly obsessed with your bae/posting photos so any potential side chicks know to back off.
2. Literally Any Comparison To A Celebrity Couple
I don’t give a sh*t if it’s John and Chrissy or Kermit and Miss Piggy; comparing you and your significant other to a famous couple is just not the move. It’s unoriginal, and it’s basically just a very public, delusional self-compliment. Plus, celebrity relationships (with the exception of John and Chrissy, just going to take a time out to knock on wood here) tend to have a success rate comparable to my ability to fully carry out a Whole30 cycle. You’re basically just cursing your entire relationship.
3. “Had The Best Time In With This One”
Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness? I’m willing to bet you really didn’t have the “best time” on your first weekender with your significant other. It most likely consisted of three straight days of holding in farts with a few scattered “babe, can we just take a quick pic?” opportunities. Spare yourself the lie and just throw down a string of emojis at this point.
4. “Love You Almost As Much As I Love “
Oh! I see what you did there! You compared your relationship with a human to your relationship with a food that you like to eat. That was pretty funny and I’ve never seen that before. Okay, but on a serious note, I get that Forever 21 and bad meme accounts have brainwashed us all into thinking that liking pizza and wine is a personality trait, but I am urging you to rise above that here. With one unique Instagram caption, you too can save yourself from becoming a statistic.
5. “The To My “
Unless it’s like, actually pretty funny, this is one of the formats of couples Instagram captions that you should try to avoid. I don’t care if you go together like peanut butter and jelly, cookies and milk, or orange juice and champagne. Just like, literally STFU.
6. “You Are The Best Thing That’s Ever Been Mine”
The only acceptable way to be a Taylor Swift fan is silently. If you’re going to let your love for T. Swift show on a public social media forum, your options are a) referencing dramatic breakup lyrics from “Sparks Fly” or the Fearless album only, or b) a single Instagram story from the Taylor Swift concert everyone apparently crawled out of the woodwork and attended. You’re not allowed be an avid Taylor Swift fan and in love at the same time publicly. It’s just too much. You may choose one.
7. Anything That Even Vaguely Suggests Relationship Goals
You cannot dub yourself relationship goals. It’s not allowed. Also, I think I stand for most of the Instagram community when I say it is time to put these bare minimum goals to rest. Like, oh? Your boyfriend opened a car door for you? Or bought you flowers? Those are like, extremely normal displays of affection that do not necessarily need to be Instagrammed and bragged about.
Oh and, as a last piece of advice, for the love of God, please always tag your other half in photos so the rest of us can creep appropriately. Thank you!
Images: Rawpixel / Unsplash; Giphy (4)