Great news! It’s no longer necessary to keep up with the time-honored tradition of hoping your best friends break their backs to get you into a nail salon for a totally inconspicuous manicure before you get engaged. And no, it’s not because the planet is literally on fire and we’re probably just a few short years away from never having to worry about Instagram ever again. It’s because I just accidentally stumbled upon the greatest life hack of all time, and am pleased to report that getting engaged with an ugly manicure is the best thing you can do for your relationship and your personal brand.
Now, I know that every little girl dreams of the day she’ll be able to post a photo of an engagement ring on her hand, writing “I said yes!” as the caption, leaving her loved ones (read: group chats of sorority sisters she no longer speaks to) wondering how she knew to get her claws perfectly groomed for the surprise occasion. But after recently getting engaged with a manicure that was the exact same color as Shrek, I’m here to challenge that standard. If the nail technician isn’t palpably disturbed by the color chip you’ve presented upon sitting in the chair, you’re not doing enough. Hear me out.
You’ll Immediately Have A Unique Instagram Caption
Second only to which engagement ring style you will choose to send your significant other subliminal messages about until they’re finally forced into popping the question, the most important decision you can make as a future bride is the caption you will choose to announce the fact that it’s time for your followers to buckle down for your official shift to wedding content. If you’re hard-pressed to think of something smarter than “Today, I said yes to forever with my best friend,” let your ugly manicure do the heavy lifting. For example, I went with: Do you think there’s anything on Etsy that says “she said, ‘OH MY GOD MY NAILS ARE GREEN, BUT YES!’”
There’s An Easy Answer To The Dreaded ‘Were You Surprised?’ Question
If there’s one thing I’ve quickly learned as a newly-engaged person, it’s that people ask a lot of the same ridiculous questions, one of which being, “Did you know?” While everyone sporting a rock on their left ring finger probably had some inkling that the day would come eventually, it would be truly unhinged to expect your partner to drop down on one knee every time you enter a remotely photo-worthy space. Although I did not wake up thinking, “Might f*ck around and get engaged today,” convincing nosy people that this particular life event caught me by surprise has proven to be difficult.
Luckily, if you have unsightly nails when it happens, you won’t ever have to waste your breath explaining why you just so happened to be having an incredible hair day and wearing an actual bra when you said yes. You can simply point to the messy heap of slime green SNS powder that was slopped upon your nail beds and quip, “Did you see my nails? I obviously wasn’t expecting it.”
You’ll Seem Like A Quirky Risk-Taker
Nothing signals that you are the antithesis of cheugy quite like a bold manicure. Sure, the words “dog mom” are in your IG bio and you’ve purchased Tory Burch Miller sandals as recently as last month, but a calculated shellac color choice can really cancel that out if you play your cards right. This will also dupe people into thinking that you’ll be making some similarly wild decisions for your wedding, motivating your followers to prioritize watching your Stories every time they open the app. Not to mention, a scared bridesmaid is a loyal bridesmaid. If your girls can be tricked into thinking you’re reckless enough to select a heinous color for your wedding, they’ll be so relieved when you tell them they’re wearing blush dresses, that they’ll hardly bat an eyelash when you reveal how much they’re expected to cough up for hair and makeup.
It’s An Excuse To Post At Least One More Ring Photo
Engagement rings beg to be photographed, but the last thing you want to do is clog the timeline with too many photos from the same occasion. (Although this used to fly… you can thank photo dumps for destroying your right to double post.) The simple fix for this, of course, is to get a redemption manicure, which would technically qualify as a separate posting event from the proposal. “Don’t worry guys, I have a pretty manicure now!” just might be the new “So a lot of you have been asking about my skincare routine…” in the sense that both statements require the speaker to hold quite a bit of naivety in regards to how much other people actually care.
Next time a friend invites you on a trip to the salon or you find yourself torn between two manicure options, my advice for you is: choose the worst option. Reach for that weird yellow bottle of polish that looks like it’s never been opened. Say yes to the nude that clashes most with your skin tone. Visit the spa with over a dozen horrible Yelp reviews. It’s the number one best thing you can do for your engagement. (Your Instagram engagement, by the way. Not your relationship status.)
Images: Lyuba Burakova /Stocksy.com
The Fourth of July is almost here, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll be spending your long weekend in a darkened room with everyone’s favorite obligatory psychotic jackass, Logan Echolls. Thanks for saving me money on sunscreen, Hulu! But, if you’re not as antisocial as I am, I’m sure you’re prepared to get some sun, drink some cocktails, and force your sister to take 95 photos of you on a flamingo pool float until she gets your “perfect angle.” Hypothetically, of course! One of those photos—or if you’re really full of yourself photogenic, a few of those photos—will end up posted on Instagram in yet another attempt to convince your followers that you don’t spend your days looking at memes and obsessively emailing your therapist about the state of your life. I SEE YOU. Once you’ve got the photo, then comes the actual hard part: the caption. While you’re tipsy on frosé and freedom, you might be tempted to throw out a basic bitch 4th of July caption, and here’s where I have to beg you: PLEASE NO. My heart can’t handle any more of them. Plus, I have faith you’re all more creative than that. And if you don’t know what I mean, I’ve conveniently come up with a list of the basic 4th of July captions to avoid this year. You’re welcome.
1. Captions About Alcohol
If you’re over 21, or I guess, even if you’re under 21 and somehow not afraid of the wrath of your mother and the eternal judgement of your soul (just me?), you’re probably going to be enjoying a nice, cold glass of alcohol over the weekend. Congratulations! This is something many adult humans do. So, when you’re thinking about what you should caption that photo of you and your frozen margarita on the beach, there’s no need to say “Red, White, and Booze.” This isn’t original, and booze is not a color. There’s no need to say “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Alcoholism.” Alexander Hamilton would be ashamed of you. There’s no need to say, “Make America Drink Again.” Because my GOD if I’m not sick of puns using this phrase. And America has literally always been drinking! I mean, except for that brief time when there was prohibition, but I’m pretty sure I learned from The Great Gatsby in history class that people were STILL drinking. So yeah, skip the 4th of July captions about booze, because it’s like florals for spring: groundbreaking.
^^ this is what red, white, and booze looks like
2. Patriotic Captions, Accompanied By A Thirst Trap
Ladies and gentlemen, I have no problem with you posting a thirst trap. However, there is an etiquette rule that I abide by when it comes to these photos (and honestly anything you post/say/do), which is this: if you’re going to do something, be transparent about your reasons for doing it. By this, I mean don’t obscure your desire for compliments on your hot bod by dragging America into this. There are plenty of captions that you can use to acknowledge that, yes, you look great, and yes, you want to be acknowledged for it. That’s why they invented “felt cute, might delete later idk.” I’ll even allow you to make a self-deprecating joke about eating a ton of pizza and hot dogs even when we all know that you haven’t consumed a single gram of saturated fat since 2011. But what I will not allow is this:
Hi Alyssa. You are very pretty, and your body is bangin’ (are the kids still saying bangin’ these days?). Great job. But can we please nix the 4th of July caption? Do not pretend you “dressed” like this for your friend’s backyard barbecue! Friends, I have no problem with nearly nude photos. I’m just asking if we must we drag America into it?
3. References To Fireworks And Pop Songs
Cool, you have a boyfriend. Cool, he’s wearing an American flag tank top. Cool, he just drank 13 PBRs and then lit a Roman candle in his hand. This does not mean that you can caption the photo “Baby, you’re a firework.” This does not mean you can caption the photo, “I see sparks fly whenever you smile.” This does mean you should call 911. And find a boyfriend who still has all 10 fingers.
4. Awful Hashtags
Shout-out to my coworker Conor, who reminded me of the prevalence of the hashtag #murica even though he claims he “is not like that.” Conor, I love you, but your Jersey Shore summer house and pastel pants beg to differ.
When I went to search #murica on Instagram, I was alarmed to find lots of posts about guns and not as many frat bros in American flag Chubbies as I expected. That was enlightening, and yes, I am calling the police. So unless you want to end up with a knock on your door from the local PD courtesy of little old me, I’d just stay away.
^^Just because Emily Blunt says it doesn’t mean you can
And those are the 4th of July captions to avoid. I hope you all have a happy and healthy holiday, and don’t take my advice because then it’ll give me something to make fun of!!
Images Giphy (4); miss_alyssaarce, arielwinter/Instagram
The Fourth of July might be one of the best weekends of your summer, and even if it’s not, you looked good and blacked out by 2pm, so you deserve some recognition. Getting a sick Fourth of July Instagram can be tough if you want to give off the vibe that your summer kills everyone else’s’ but you’re not trying embarrassingly hard to get a candid pic of you with a red Solo cup in hand. Here are the dos and don’ts of getting your perfect Insta:
Do: Wear Red, White, And Blue
As much as people hate on the girls who wear patriotic colors on Fourth of July, it always looks cute, and it makes it look like you’re having a somewhat festive day, even if you’re just listening to Justin Bieber by the pool with a drink in your hand. I mean, you bought that American flag bikini for a reason, so you might as well put it to good use the one day a year you can wear it.
Don’t: Awkwardly Overdo The Theme
You probably know less about this country than you do about the difference between iced coffee and cold brew, so let’s not pretend you’re some historian all of a sudden. Toss the red and blue face paint and burn that cowboy hat. It’s possible to look cute on the Fourth of July without overdoing it, so find the line and don’t cross it. Let’s not embarrass ourselves before the first round of tequila shots even starts.
Do: Get Friends Involved
Instagrams that make it look like you’re dartying alone are just so cringeworthy. You’re obviously with some friends, so it’s not the time for a solo pic. Like, save that for when you’re on vacation with your family and your mom is willing to take a full-on photoshoot of you in the hotel pool. Fourth of July photos always look better with more people in it, so make sure to get your friends in.
Don’t: Butcher The Caption With Clichés
The last thing this world needs is another “Darty SZN” caption or even worse, the “Party in the USA” line. I mean, everyone knows you’re partying on Fourth of July and everyone has seen these lame captions a million times, so don’t abuse your social media rights. Think of something more creative, download CapGenius, or just stick with American flag emojis. It works every time and no one questions it.
Do: Get A Good Background
Wherever you’re spending your Fourth of July, make sure you get the best part of the location in the background of the photo. Like, if you’re on your sugar daddy’s friend’s yacht in the Hamptons, don’t upload some selfie with nothing photogenic around you. If you’re on the JIMMY at the James rooftop, don’t get your photo in the dark elevator ride. Utilizing your background is key if you want anyone to look at your Instagram and be like, “OK her Fourth of July looks dope.”
Don’t: Make Everyone Around You Hate You
Betches will basically do anything to get a good pic, but don’t make everyone around you start hating you because they got the wrong angle of you sitting on your lounge chair. Ask someone easygoing to take the pic, and if they’re not holding the phone high enough or not putting their cup down to get the perfect lighting, don’t freak out. A little filtering and a good caption go a long way, and it’s not worth getting the rep of the girl who can’t just enjoy a party without getting 500 photos of herself. Yikes.
It’s a common struggle betches know all too well: you take a fire selfie and want to share it with the world. Your highlight is on point, the lighting situation is ideal, and you’ve already chosen the perfect filter to play up your nearly emaciated cheekbones. The only problem? You can’t think of a fucking caption to save your life. “I’m probably gonna delete this later, but I just thought I looked funny lol” is not going to cut it. So what are you supposed to do, not grace your social media followers with your beauty?
Alternative scenario: You’re all roasting your DD friend in the group chat. It’s all fun and games until the object of roasting turns to you. You’re blanking. You know you’ll come up with an amazing comeback five hours from now when you’re taking a shower, but that obviously doesn’t help you now. So what’s a betch to do? Solution: download our new app CapGenius.
WTF is CapGenius? It’s our new philanthropy venture app that will help you craft the perfect caption or comeback for any situation. And by “help you” we mean “do it for you” aka the best kind of help.
“This fun little addition to your iPhone keyboard offers a search engine for quips, puns, quotes, lyrics and other phrases that you can quickly pop into your Instagram posts, status updates, snaps, tweets, texts, and more.” —TechCrunch
So here’s how it works:
1. Download CapGenius
Fucking duh. Download it here in the Apple store.
2. Take Your Selfie/Food Pic, Blah Blah Blah, & Instagram It
Should be self-evident, but nothing is in this day and age anymore.
3. Open Up The CapGenius Keyboard
Change your keyboard the same way you’d add a bitmoji or Kimoji.
4. Search CapGenius For The Right Category & Browse
Instagramming a photo of pizza? Consider the pizza category. Looking for a way to humble brag about your selfie? There’s a selfie category for that. Going the emo sub-Insta route? Song Lyrics is probably the one for you. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life; these are just a few ideas.
5. Select The Caption You Want
And it’s done! Again, this also works in group chats, booty call texts, when you just don’t know how to respond to that guy’s text… you name it, we’ve thought of it. You basically never have to use your brain again. What a world we live in.
