Just when you thought The Bachelor was dead and over with
forever for at least eight more weeks, Chris Harrison had to go and ruin my life drag this shit out some more by announcing five of Becca’s Bachelorette contestants during After The Final Rose. It’s fine. We were only forced to watch a five hour season finale stretched over the span of two entire days so what’s another eight more weeks in comparison?? *sobs into keyboard* This year, the new Bachelorette contestants — and their social media profiles — are being held hostage by Mike Fleiss until the new season airs (I assume) because literally all of their shit is set to private. Well played, ABC. Well fucking played. Unfortunately for ABC, I am a journalist psycho with an Instagram account and I take that job title v v seriously. And my mother said my degree in writing would never amount to anything, but look at me now, mother! And if they think a privacy setting is going to stop me, a girl who once deep dived into the catacombs of a boy she kissed one time in 8th grade’s fiancée’s sister Instagram feed, then they better think a-fucking-gain, because they’ve got another thing coming. So, here’s everything we know about the men on Becca’s season of The Bachelorette based on the only thing you should ever judge another human on: their Instagram bios. You’re so fucking welcome.
Lincoln Adim AKA The British One
Is he British though?? He did use the word “wanker” to describe Arie (sick burn, btw) but I also could not understand a damn word that was coming out of his mouth, so really it’s anyone’s guess. Similar to the accent, his Instagram account is just as strange and confusing. First of all, I’m worried he doesn’t know how to spell his own name based on the Instagram handle he chose: Linkin. As in, Park? Or the job site the continuously tries to tell me that my only job prospects include unpaid internships? Then we’ve got his bio, which is just a direct link to his Twitter handle. Does he think girls will be impressed by his ability to name the second most famous president of all time?? He did go to middle school, yes? Like dude, get back to me with some Millard Fillmore facts and then we’ll see about wanting to jump into bed. Now let’s move on to the most disturbing fact about his Instagram bio thus far: he has ZERO POSTS. Zero. Zip. Nada. Not even one grainy selfie with his dog. I know, it’s chilling to think about. This leads me to believe that Lincoln is shady AF. No one deletes all of their posts unless they’ve got something to hide… like an ex-fiancée or a
Lexie slam piece who goes out in public wearing red scrunchies.
Chase Vergason AKA “Vergason”
Thank you, Chase, for making my job easier by introducing yourself with only your legal last name. Because what better way to seduce a woman than by introducing yourself to her like you’re trying to make friends at football camp? If you’ll recall, Chase was the guy who looked like he might have tried to roofie your drink back in college. Something about that slicked-back haircut just screams “I have no idea where the clitoris is and I’m too entitled to figure it out.” According to Chase’s Instagram bio, he works for Vergason Sojourner McWaters Ad Agency Principal. So, like, he works for his daddy? Because that’s what I’m hearing. He’s an ad guy, so I’m guessing he’ll be one of the more annoying Bachelorette contestants, constantly trying to start shit with the other guys in the house. *cough* Iggy *cough, cough* The only other distinguishing quality happening in Chase’s bio is the single rose emoji. Which, like, wow Chase you’re really feeling confident about yourself, aren’t you? Already giving yourself a rose before filming’s even started? I bet you’ll be giving yourself something else too when Becca dumps your ass after week three. (And by something else I mean a hand job, obviously).
Ryan Peterson AKA The Guy With The Banjo & Disgusting Vest
So technically it was a disgusting jacket, but whatever, there’s no forgetting that flower atrocity that has forever burned my retinas. Despite the fact that that jacket was the ugliest effing thing I’ve ever seen, I’m still rooting for Ryan because
we share the same name there’s just something about him that makes him likable. Idk. That said, his Instagram bio is suspect. We’ve got random lettering for his handle, a grainy picture of a boat for his bio pic, and NO FUCKING BIO. Ryan, how am I supposed to know who you are as a person if you don’t include at least one emoji and a self-promoting tagline?? HOW? Yeah, it’s not looking good for RyGuy. My guess is Ryan’s either a sociopath or a genuinely nice guy who is too pure for this earth and this godforsaken show. I guess only time—and producer-approved video footage edits—will tell.
Darius Feaster AKA The Resident Man Hater
Darius started off his Bachelorette journey strong by apologizing for his entire gender. I’ve only been waiting for that apology for 26 goddamn years, but whatever. People are saying that his Instagram makes him seem fun and playful because his bio literally says “work hard, play hard” which is the Instagram bio equivalent of a Marilyn Monroe poster hanging in any girl’s college dorm room, but okay. I’m also going to ignore the fact that there’s a blatant spelling error in his Instagram handle because obviously the rules of spelling do not apply when branding yourself as an Instagram star. Then there’s the emojis. Next to his age (26) is the hourglass emoji? I guess to symbolize that his youth and romantic prospects are withering away, which is fun because I’m also 26.
He’s also got the little pin emoji next to his current local, LA, just to let us all know he’s
only here to sell hair vitamins on Instagram certainly not here for the Right Reasons. Now, how long do we think it will take him to eat his words after he apologized for his entire gender? I’m thinking at least three episodes. Can’t wait!!
Blake Horstmann AKA The Horse Guy
Ah, Blake. Where to even begin with you? At first glance, Blake is just the guy who showed up with a horse and good intentions to mend Becca’s broken heart. At first glance. But once you see past his whole knight-in-shining-armor façade and take a deeper look at
the real Blake his Instagram bio, it’s clear that Blake is just another fuckboy trying to fuck around. “I sell beer and I’m probably out of town”?? He might as well be saying “I won’t call you.” This guys 100 percent has hoes in different area codes. And while the bow tie and the horse and that super charming smile might be giving off some sincere vibes to the audience back home, just remember ladies, we thought we could trust Dean too! And look how that turned out, with him trying to have his Russian Orphan and bang Danielle L too. Nah, we can’t trust anyone in a bow tie anymore. I’ve got my eye on you, Blake.
Images: Giphy (2); ABC (2); @balockaye.h /Instagram (1); @feasthebeast /Instagram (1); @ogrp /Instagram; @chasevergason /Instagram (1); @Linkin_ /Instagram (1)
Do you ever see someone on Instagram or Snapchat just acting a fool, doing the most annoying shit and committing every social media faux pas in the book? Yeah, you probably follow some really goddamn annoying people. But the real question is: Are you one of those annoying assholes? Sure, we’re all afraid that something we post will get screenshot and roasted in someone else’s group chat, but we can’t follow all the social media rules all the time, can we? Here’s a list of the things that, when other people do them, they’re annoying, but when you do them, they’re totally okay.
1. Lip Syncing
There’s nothing more obnoxious than when you open someone’s story and it’s just them lip synching. They’re generally always in their car. Like, um. OK. You’re just lip synching away in your car to some Cardi B song and driving like a damn lunatic. I am neither impressed nor entertained. These jackholes are probably leaving a wake of destruction behind them as they swerve in and out of lanes picking which filter to use. It’s plain irresponsible is what it is!
Then again, sometimes a dope Nicki verse will come on and I need to show all my followers that this white girl can, in fact, rap. Am I guilty of the lip syncing snap? 100%. Do I judge you when you do it? Also 100%.
2. Concert Videos
Unless it’s one small clip of the chorus of the band or artist’s most famous track, I couldn’t care less that you’re at a concert. I just think, “Wow, this person is so thirsty for other people to think they’re cool that they don’t enjoy the music at all, they’re too busy Snapchatting.”
If I’m at the show, I’m pretty sure everyone is dying to see how close I was, just how amazing they sound live, and how hot the lead singer is in person. Like, five snaps per concert is tolerable, right? RIGHT?!
3. Obnoxious Drunk Stories
Yeah, we get it, you like to party. You and your friends are having such a good time in a dimly-lit sports bar, or is it a club that no one else went to? IDK, but obviously you’re having an awesome time, drinking awesome shooters, soaking up each other’s awesomeness, since your phone is out the whole night documenting the experience. I can’t tap my screen fast enough to make it through this shit.
Yet, if it’s me and my friends, you probably want to see what shenanigans we got ourselves into last night. You definitely want to see our 2am Taco Bell run. We get into such zany mishaps! We’re basically doing you a favor because you probably stayed in, and now you know what a good time you missed. We did such a good job documenting our night, now it’s like you were there with us! God, we are so funny. Lemme just watch all of these back three times while I’m at brunch.
It’s so obvious when someone photoshops a pic. I mean, you expect me to believe that your skin is perfect when I can obviously tell you accidentally made your hair blurry? Hun, we can see you IRL. We aren’t buying what you’re trying to sell.
But like, sometimes I have a zit before a big event and it’s obvious that the zit is not part of how I generally look. So it’s totally fine for me to just erase that…. and brighten up my under-eyes… and whiten my teeth. Really, I’m just presenting the best version of myself to the world, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
5. Deflecting Captions
Girl, your selfie is hot AF. I don’t know why you had to caption it “When you’re really just thinking about tacos.” Have some goddamn respect and just post the picture where you look hella pretty and leave it at that. You don’t need to hide the fact hat you’re like, really pretty by accompanying a picture silly and quirky caption that deflects the real reason you posted it: to show people that you’re really, really ridiculously good looking.
I’m not just going to post a picture without a caption, though. I might as well make it something clever so people know that not only do my boobs look great, but I also have original thoughts. Beauty and brains. Yes, that’s the ticket.
6. Messaging Through The App
If you have my number, why wouldn’t you just text me instead of making me open this stupid app every three seconds? Just fucking text me. If you send me a meme and I respond, that can just be the end of the conversation unless you want to take it to text.
But, like, we’re already talking in the app so why get more digital formats involved? Might as well finish the conversation, however long it may be, in this app and then if I have something else unrelated to say later, I can just text you. When you think about it, it’s actually MORE convenient this way.
7. Liking Celebrity Posts
Really, you think Kim K gives a shit if you “like” her picture or not? Insta lets you see which of your friends have liked celebrity posts, and when I see the culprits I just SMH. These people don’t need your likes. Likes are for people you actually know.
Well, sometimes a blogger I follow will post a really cute outfit and I think they should know that I appreciate the effort. And if I like a post from a Kardashian, like, who really notices and/or gives a shit? Probably no one, unless they’re like me and think I’m an idiot for giving out likes like a podcaster gives out promotional codes for meal delivery services.