Is It Ever OK To Facetune? An Investigation

I talk a lot about Photoshop and Facetune fails, but let me make one thing clear. I’m not against photo editing. It’s hard to take the perfect photo, even if you’re super skilled at it (which, I definitely am not). Sometimes there’s too much clutter in the background, the shadows are weird, or some dumbass walked behind your picture at the worst possible moment. There are plenty of reasons to edit a photo. What I consider a fail, though, is when people alter their photos to the point of giving themselves a different face, body, or exaggerating features to an insane level (Facetune huge alien eyes, I’m looking at you). Not only does it not even look like you, in which case, why are you even posting a photo, but it also contributes to the very toxic and unrealistic standard our society places on what we should look like. It’s bad enough with everyone trying to look like a supermodel, when they’re all Amazonian and weigh seven pounds. Must we now remove ribs via photo editing to create an even more impossible standard?

So, this is of course just my opinion. You can do whatever the f*ck you want in your photos: super skinny waist, bug eyes, I don’t really actually care. But I definitely will point out to anyone who will listen that that sh*t is not reality, especially if you’re a celebrity and role model. That said, here’s what I think is considered totally acceptable editing.

Filters/Lighting

In approximately 99% of photos, your lighting is not going to be perfect. That’s because it’s hard to coordinate real life to work with your angles unless you’re in a photoshoot space with perfect lighting and those things that bounce light and whatnot. Can you tell I don’t know anything about photography? Anyway. Sometimes the lighting is too dark, your eyes look like black holes, or your face is too bleached and you’re noseless like all of our old Myspace pictures. Filters or lighting changes don’t change your actual face (although some celebs like to pretend it’s just the lighting that caused them to suddenly have no wrinkles. Sure, Jan). Since filters still look like you, I think using them is fun and can enhance your pictures. I don’t use Snapchat, but even the filters that change your face don’t bother me because they’re obviously a joke. Although a LOT of girls who used the flower crown one and tried to crop it so you couldn’t see the filter, didn’t seem to realize that’s not what actual people look like. But overall, filters are okay.

Skin Problems

pimple

Listen, I’ve had cystic acne for my entire life. I’ve had backne, assne, chestne, and everywhere else. I don’t really care now that I’m old, but in high school I thought everyone was staring at my horrible skin all the time. So, I get it. When it comes to skin problems—acne, redness, bruising, sunburn, etc.—I don’t mind if they’re edited out. If you’re airbrushing every wrinkle to the point where you look like your skin is made of plastic, that’s another issue. Acne comes and goes, but your face still looks like your face—pretending to be 30 years younger, not so much. However, unless it’s in really important photos (for like, a wedding or event or a magazine), I really appreciate when people leave their skin untouched. We all have scars, zits, stretch marks, and cellulite, and it’s cool when people embrace it. Like when Kylie showed her big scar on her GQ cover. More of that, please.

Hair Problems

Unless I get a professional blowout, my hair never does what it’s supposed to do. If you take a photo and you have flyaway hairs all over the place, hair sticking up in the back, wind blowing it in a crazy way, whatever—fine, just fix it. Again, fixing minor things like that don’t change you into a different person or project a social media lie. If you’re having a bad hair day but love the picture, touch it up if you feel that insecure about it. You can bet if my brightly colored hair is badly faded and I need a cute picture, I will totally color it back in with editing. Hey, that’s what it’s supposed to look like, I just didn’t get to redo it yet! Fixing your hair is just not the same thing to me as giving yourself a scary skinny waist, so again, it’s kosher in my book.

Fabric Laying

Much like hair, sometimes clothes just don’t look right in the photo. My friend took a photo of me once wearing this super cute orange jumpsuit that, for some reason when I was sitting down, bunched up and made me look pregnant. Not just a little pregnant, but extremely pregnant. We just cropped that part out. If you’ve got a strange crease, your shirt tag is hanging out, something is laying weird on your body, or you have camel toe, fixing it is totally reasonable. This is different than being a size 8 and Photoshopping yourself into size 0 jeans. That would be categorized under “toxic” for me. But anything else doesn’t change what you really look like, so I’m all for it.

Environmental Editing

You can’t always control your background. This is probably the edit I do most often. You take the perfect selfie and then you realize you can totally see your stack of Amazon boxes you’ve been meaning to take out to the recycling for two weeks in the back. Ughhh. If your background sucks or someone accidentally photobombed you, edit them out. Your background doesn’t present a false image to anyone or create unhealthy standards, so do whatever the hell you want with it.

Do you agree with my acceptable edits? What else you consider a normal use of editing? Where’s the line for when things become toxic? Let me know in the comments!

Images: Amanda Vick / Unsplash; Giphy (6)

This Barbie Influencer IG Makes Me Hate The World We Live In

Today, I bring you the Instagram account you never knew you needed to hate (you still following me?). Barbie Style is run by Mattel and posts as if Barbie was Eva Chen. The account has been around since 2014, but as of Monday, it hit a milestone two million followers. Let that sink in. There are two million people following the journey of a plastic figurine. Just to make matters worse, REAL HUMANS literally comment sh*t like “obsessed with you” and “omg that jacket is stuunnniiinnnnggg” on her photos. DO YOU THINK SHE READS THEM?

To sum it up really quick: Barbie Style reflects the worst that society has to offer. If this is her attempt at acting like a (slightly above) average millennial woman, I feel like the majority of us are pond scum. So, without further ado, let’s mock the sh*t out of a plastic doll which in turn, satirically mirrors the dumpster fire that has become our society. Now that’s f*cking meta. *hits blunt*

 

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*Barbie: Has joined the conference.* ? #barbie #barbiestyle

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Lolololol Barbie, you took a page out of Khloé Kardashian’s book of bad photoshopping. There’s a literal team at Mattel that  works, day in and day out, on creating and posting content for this account, yet not one of them noticed that your lips are literally two different colors? But maybe this is Barbie just trying to be relatable, you know? Everyone has a pic on their Instagram that’s so obviously FaceTuned that you’re not sure what happened to their nose. Also, I’m sorry Barbie girl, you’re made out of LITERAL PLASTIC. What more is there you need to smooth?

 

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I’m bursting with excitement! Thank you for all your birthday wishes, and to @flourshop for this sweet surprise. ? #Barbie60 #NYC #barbie #barbiestyle⁣⁣

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Are you even surprised at this point that Barbie has an Insta with her birthday cake? And no, not just any cake—a Flour Shop cake. One that of course, when you cut into it, explodes with candy you obviously won’t eat—a fact that is only compounded if you are an actual inanimate object who doesn’t even have a functioning jaw and the aforementioned candy is actually beads. Can someone tell me if there’s a white girl on this planet who doesn’t have a full-fledged three-phone photoshoot with their overpriced cake? I mean, I had one so guess what, there’s probably not. I mean I’ll give her one thing, though, Barbie looks pretty f*cking good for 60. What fillers does she use?

 

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When you miss the taxi, but you got the shot. ? #NYC #barbie #barbiestyle⁣

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Holy basic. The lob. The fake cab hail. The statement jacket. The Flatiron building. The bad meme-mimicking caption. It doesn’t get more tragically influencer than this. Oh, and her outfit is from Arielle Charnas’s SomethingNavy collection. There’s not much more to say, mostly because this picture has muted me with rage.    

 

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Remembering the ultimate icon who gave us a lifetime of inspiration. A prolific creator, he captured this moment himself. ❤️ #barbie #barbiestyle

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Okay Barbie, so you are officially the worst type of person. Way to literally f*cking insert yourself in someone else’s tragedy. There is nothing quite like the celebrity death post trend. Like OMG Rebecca tell me again about how much of an impact Kate Spade made on your life. And we get it, you knew Luke Perry before his days on Riverdale. But do you really need to make a four post slideshow about how heartbroken you are when all you really want to show is that you’re cultured enough to know who this person even is?

 

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I know everyone is listening to books these days, but I still love a hardcover. ? #barbie #barbiestyle

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OMG this is actually so obnoxious, even for a doll. (Actually, I think it would only be worse if this caption were used on a real human’s Instagram.) Do you also like to comb your hair with tree branches because hair brushes are too mainstream? Do you have an IV of Kombucha running into your bloodstream? If you’re trying to be casual, how come your makeup is fully done? Why is there a professional photographer in your bedroom? Riddle me that, Barbie. Also, what kind of cruel being are you that you leave a perfectly good donut out in front of your dog? That’s just evil.

 

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I have to say, I’m pretty into this #GalentinesDay thing! The perfect excuse to hang with friends at home.❣️#barbie #barbiestyle

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This is the most tragic “Galentine’s Day”. Who the f*ck celebrates single life and the power of female friendships with SALAD? Try five bottles of champagne between four girls and a sickening amount of Chinese food. Also, Barbie, don’t play the single role, we all know you have a literal man-toy made for your enjoyment. Not all of us are so fortunate. Count your blessings, idiot.  

 

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Today, do something you’ve never done before, like ride a bike in New York City! ?? #NYC #barbie #barbiestyle⁣

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Ugh, Barbie is just your everyday girl being environmentally friendly, chill, and sporty, riding a bike through NYC! #Goals! For starters, I would like to point out that this is in fact, not how you sit on a bike, so clearly, she’s doing it for the ‘gram. You’re not fooling us, honey. As well, what New Yorker bikes around looking like THAT. New York bikers are either layered up to their eyeballs in the winter or half-naked come spring. And they’re for sure swearing at you. Also, seriously Barbie, no helmet? What a terrible example you are for young girls everywhere?? *sips wine out of Swell bottle*

 

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After a busy week I like to take a moment to reflect! ? #barbie #barbiestyle

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Is it just me, or does this picture look like that Prince George stirring the pot meme? I feel like there’s some sort of underlying social commentary there, but besides that, the caption needs to stop. What in the f*ck are you reflecting on? I know on a Sunday the only thing I’m reflecting on is the damage I’ve done to my liver and whether or not my ex will file a restraining order after his 46 missed calls from me.

 

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Nothing like getting a head start on my goals for #NewYearsDay. What’s motivating you this year? ?? #barbie #barbiestyle

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And to top it all off, Barbie is the girl who goes to the gym January first and has to post about it to prove to her high school friends that she’s legit skinny now and they can’t call her Round Ronda or Lardy Lisa anymore. 

PS: Mattel, if you want some relatable Barbie content that’ll actually “speak” to millennials, this is the type of Barbie sh*t we’re looking for:

 

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Images: barbiestyle (9); bedlambarbie / Instagram

5 Fall Instagram Trends That Are Officially Canceled This Year

Summer is almost over, and I know this because instead of feeling the need to go outside and actually do things with my life, my needs veer more towards re-watching old episodes of Veronica Mars and eating an entire sleeve of soft-baked cookies in one sitting. That’s a clear indication that it’s time for me to stop giving a shit about my summer body and layer the fuck up because it’s fall. And, honestly, thank God. IDK how much longer I could pretend to be excited about pounding vodka drinks in broad daylight and squeezing my bloated AF self into a bikini every other weekend. There’s only so much I’m willing to put up with for Instagram likes. So, yeah, I’m v glad about the fast-approaching fall season. And why shouldn’t I be? Fall is the one season that still involves heavy amounts of drinking (hello tailgates, cider season, Halloween, and forced family visits with your drunk cousin Steven Thanksgiving), and encourages you to drink in flowy, full-coverage clothing as God and my weekend bloat intended.

But where there’s a pumpkin patch there’s a basic fucking bitch just asking for me to kindly give her some life advice anonymously blast her on the Internet. It’s like once the leaves start to change, girls in riding boots and circle scarves start popping out of the fucking woodwork. Suddenly the streets of New York look like a Michael Kors flash mob is about to break out, except no one is dancing and everyone is posting selfies with the caption #OOTD. It’s v unsettling and these trends have to be stopped. So listen up, betches, because this is about to be a rude fucking awakening for some of you. Here are the 5 fall Instagram trends that are canceled forever. Brace yourselves.

1. Pumpkin Spice Anything

It’s like the only way I can tell if it’s fall anymore is when my Insta feed starts blowing up with PSL selfies and that shit has got to stop. I mean, pumpkin flavored beverages in the fall? Groundbreaking. And it’s always the same girl who juiced all summer and pretends like kale doesn’t taste like literal sadness that starts chugging PSLs like it’s her damn job come October 1st. I’m guessing she doesn’t know that her favorite fall beverage is 70 percent sugar, 30 percent pumpkin flavored fat that’s one hundred percent going to make her shit her leggings in 30 minutes or less? Tbh none of that shit is as offensive to me as when a girl orders her PSL as a skinny. I mean, have you no shame?? Skinny is Starbucks’ way of letting you know that your drink is fat and so are you and it’s the perfect amount of shame needed to start your morning. Now, do I myself also order PSL’s as a skinny? You bet your ass I do. But do I hate myself while I’m doing it? Only when I ask for a skinny latte with whipped cream. No, we’re all better than this. This shit is cancelled.

You:

Pumpkin Spice Latte

Me:

2. Fall Themed Props

You know what I’m talking about here, the girls who pose with giant-ass pumpkins or throw piles of leaves in the air like assholes. Every single time fall rolls around it’s like they’ve never seen a goddamn leaf before in their life. I mean, you girls have college degrees, studied abroad in foreign countries, and you’re telling me the most interesting thing you’ve seen in your whole damn life is a leaf? GTFO of here. Whole trips are even planned around this Instagram shot, because before the days where you could get an easy 100 likes, you would never fucking consider spending an entire Saturday upstate in an abandoned field picking apples. It’s extra and so are you.

3. Thanksgiving Feast Pics

There’s nothing that gives me more of an urge to to set myself on fire like watching some size two thot post a photo of her Thanksgiving feast on Instagram. Like, you haven’t eaten a carb since 2009, don’t pretend like you’re going to gorge yourself on this most sacred day. At most you’ll “fill up” on salad and then spend the rest of the day saying insane shit like “I’m stuffed” or “I really couldn’t eat anymore.” You disgust me. Also, this person is 1,000 percent wearing some sort of skintight ensemble to her family’s Thanksgiving. Memaw did not slave away all day making sweet potato casserole from scratch just to watch you take selfies with the Thanksgiving turkey in a holiday club dress. No, Memaw doesn’t need that shit from you and neither do I, the person who came to the table dressed in my sister’s old maternity pants and ready to eat until she passes out party. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll cut that shit out before I have the chance to screenshot your offending self and forward it to my most savage group chat.

4. Inspirational Fall Selfies

Inspirational selfies are the reason I started my burn book. I don’t really have beef with selfies in general or, like, the girl that has her friend kneel in oncoming traffic so she can get the perfect shot of her brunch outfit. Whatever. Live your truth, ladies. What I hate is when one of those bitches pretends like she’s not a self-absorbed asshole and has to turn her selfie into a Lifetime movie message. And no season brings on that bullshit like the fall season. You know what I’m talking about here—she’ll take a selfie staring out into the distance or sitting on a patch of grass in the park and caption it with like, “the trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let the dead things go.” Which is a beautiful quote from a very smart woman but I’m pretty sure the girl who’s using it in her Instagram is thinking about the guy who ghosted her on Bumble and not, like, the state of our world. Just because the leaves are changing does not mean your basic ass is. Nope, BYE.

5. Slutty Halloween Costumes

Is it Halloween if your mother isn’t ashamed of the pictures you’re tagged in on Facebook? I think not. Slutty Halloween costumes have stood the test of time, and honestly who would we be if we weren’t mistaken for a prostitute at least once in our lives every October? But, y’all, it’s 2017 and we are way more evolved now so I think it might be time we retire our blatant display of daddy issues slutty Halloween costumes. LOL KIDDING. Slutty Halloween costumes will never go out of style and thank God for that. As a person who spends five days a week pushing the boundaries of “business casual,” it’s nice to know there’s still at least one day a year where I can just be a hoe me. Like, what, just because I’m 25, have a full-time job, and pay my own rent I’m supposed to be above dressing up in a bodysuit and cat ears? You’ve lost your damn mind.

Read: The Fall Accessory Trends You Need To Stock Up On Now
 
Your Friend Who Takes A Lot Of Selfies Might Be Depressed

Here’s something we all know: Instagram is an emotional roller coaster. One minute you’re looking at all your old selfies thinking about how pretty you are sharing memories with friends, the next you’re sent into a rage spiral because your-man-who’s-not-really-your-man commented the heart eye emoji on some thot’s belfie and it reminded you that you haven’t gone to the gym in three years weeks. So yeah, while the highs of a 100+ like beach pic are pretty high, the lows of a vulnerable selfie that never even hits the double digits are pretty fucking low. All of this is to say, Instagram can be depressing as fuck, and now we have the science to back that up. A new study from Harvard University (what, like it’s hard?) found that your Instagram posts hold clues to your mental health, and I’m not just talking about how we all know you’re fucking depressed when you post a picture of you looking longingly out a random window and caption it with some emo song lyrics from the early 2000s. But that too.

The actual study found that people who are depressed (aka you all winter), “tended to post photos that, on a pixel-by-pixel basis, were bluer, darker and grayer on average than healthy people.” So basically, your grainy-ass black-and-white food pics aren’t just fucking up the flow of my feed, they’re actually revealing to the entire world (assuming your account is public) that you’re depressed.

Researches came to this very obvious stunning conclusion by identifying participants as “depressed” or “healthy” based on whether they reported having been diagnosed with depression in the past.

Side note: Who are these healthy, non-depressed people? Where do they live? What is their secret?

Researchers then “used machine-learning tools to find a pattern in the photos and to create a model predicting depression by the posts,” which is basically fancy science speak for “We taught a computer how to scroll through Instagram.”

So what exactly in your posts reveals that you are depressed? Well, they found that depressed IG users tend to use “fewer filters,” which supports my strongly held belief that people who post
#nofilter selfies are seriously disturbed. When they do use a filter, they tend to use Inkwell aka the fancy Instagram way of saying black-and-white, whereas healthy people use Valencia because…IDK. I guess the greenish hue brings people joy? Unclear.

Depressed participants were also more likely to post photos of just their face, which means that someone needs to drive to Brentwood and check on Kylie Jenner ASAP. I’m seriously concerned.

One thing these researchers found that I def could have told them myself is that depressed users tend to post more frequently. I mean, fucking duh. Anyone on Earth can tell whether or not I’m going through a breakup based off my daily post rate. Two or more selfies a day and you are fully justified in sending me a “U OK?” text. (I’m most definitely not okay.)

They also found that depressed people also tend to get more comments and less likes, which is really unfortunate because, as I previously stated, there’s nothing better to get you out of a funk than a fire candid with 100+ likes. If they could find a way to turn that feeling into a pill, depression would be a thing of the past.

All in all, this study is, for lack of a better word, depressing. Mainly because all the things they said are signs of depression describe the social media use of literally every human person in my feed, including myself. That being said, I think the moral of this story is clear: Inkwell is just not an acceptable filter anymore and using Valencia is the same for your health as like, a really good cardio workout. 

7 Non-Basic Rompers That Will Seriously Up Your Instagram Likes

Rompers are nothing new, unless you were homeschooled so, chances are you obviously know what this one piece fashion staple is. When we’re too lazy to find a clean pair of shorts or when we’ve Instagrammed the same dress way too many times, rompers are our go-to in the summer. They’re the most casual thing in our closet that makes our lives so much easier, hence why we’re okay with peeing naked because if we’re honest, that’s not the worst thing we’ve done.

With the thousands of styles to choose from, you can easily throw one on for your next GNO, take it from the beach to bar, and even get away with wearing one to work—if you pull it down enough. However, since you’re constantly day drinking trying to forget your work week, you’re def going to rooftop bars with a view that makes it forgivable to pay for an overpriced drink. Taking a faux candid in front of a skyline probably gets you a decent amount of likes, but add the perfect romper and watch those likes turn into triple digits. Get your credit card ready, because these fab rompers will flood your next Insta with a ton of “omggg, I love your romper, where did you get it?!” comments.

1. Spell & The Gypsy Collective Lotus Kimono Romper

So like, this is basically our homegirl Lilly Pulitzer on crack. Inspired by gypsy free-spirited hippie shit, this romper is full of bright colors that are bound to turn heads for sure. Pair this with your fave sunnies and a white or neutral wedge for the perfect summer OOTD. Have your partner in crime find good lighting (because what else are friends good for) and slay in your Insta photoshoot. #DoItForTheLikes

2. The Jetset Diaries Zulu Romper

I’ve seen this pattern honestly everywhere this summer and although it reminded me of my grandma’s chinaware at first, I’ve come to enjoy the homey feel. As usual, white and blue are plastered over every summer fashion trend and this romper is no different. With bell sleeves and off the shoulder fit, you’ll pull off an effortless look like no other. Just swipe some gloss on and you’re good to chug.

3. Pull&Bear Print Romper With Skirt Overlay

This brand’s name sounds like a literal diaper brand but, they actually have cute af clothes so whatever sells. It focuses on bringing back the 90s—as if that wasn’t a trend since forever already—with laid-back, carefree styles made for doing the bare minimum. This modern versatile romper will become your first choice to the next wedding you’re invited to or a spontaneous night full of bar hopping. Don’t try to wear it with Vans like the model—let’s not get carried away. Instead, opt for strappy sandals and Y necklace to complete this trendy look.

4. Lulus Ain’t It Grand Mauve Romper

Made in the world’s second best color ever (don’t try to disagree), this classy romper features an elastic waistband that you can adjust each time you feel bloated. The flirty, feminine style will probably get some guy to buy you tons of cranberry vodkas so in addition to getting a shit ton of likes, you’ll probs get free alcohol. What more do you need?

5. Band Of Gypsies Keyhole Romper

Today’s fashion basically says we were born in the 90s, wishing we could be back in the 70s, and this romper is no exception. Another romper, another brand inspired by “gypsy life”. To dress up this easygoing romper for an upscale rooftop, strut in a pair of v sexual black thigh-high boots and a chic crossbody. Since it comes with an attached choker, you obviously don’t need to wear another fucking choker.

6. Wildfox Roxbury Romper

Who needs to wear another basic white dress when you could slay in this sleek secret romper? With an open back and plunging neckline, you’ll stay refreshingly cool for a day that’s full of binge-drinking in 90 degree weather. Pair with block heel sandals, a tequila sunrise, and be sure to always take a pic on your good side in this romp.

7. J.O.A. Tie Sleeve Off The Shoulder Romper

Stripes, stripes, and more stripes are all anyone who’s relevant is wearing right now. Impress your snobby friends by staying in tune with the latest trends in this tied off the shoulder romper. The vertical stripes will elongate your nonexistent abs so you look skinny in whatever picture you decide is worthy of making both your ex and loyal followers jealous of how good you look.

How To Take The Perfect Selfie That Will Get You Tons Of Likes

Now that we’re in the second month of summer and the second most important summer holiday is over (National Tequila Day is first, fucking obviously), your Insta game is more important than ever. In order to make up for the fact that you haven’t done shit this summer, like backpack across Europe or anything remotely sophisticated, I’m sure your v loyal followers can assume all you’ve done is swim with basic pool floats and that you may become an alcoholic sooner than later. More likely than not, this is probs the story of your life because there are only so many times you can Insta yourself on a rooftop with a pretty drink without looking desperate AF. Luckily, it’s not socially acceptable to post what you’re actually doing (i.e., sleeping, bingeing Netflix, eating our weight in food) because god forbid people see what a disappointment to your family loser you really are.

Before summer ends, do yourself a favor and bring out your inner narcissistic, egotistical self Kim Kardashian with a glow-up so no one knows you wasted the summer away. Here are six essential tips for nailing a solid selfie that will get you triple digit likes without having to do like, 23,456 takes.

1. Find Good Lighting

Um, fucking duh. Although you’ll look like a complete freak running around your house holding your phone in front of your face, your roomie will totally know that you’re just finding good lighting. Because this is like, the most important. Natural light is best for selfies because lamps can make you look yellow and/or diseased. Face a window that gets a lot of sunlight for best results, so that way your skin looks clearer and softer—like what your fave animal Snapchat filter does for you.

2. Choose Between A Crazy Or A Simple Background—There Is No In-Between

As much as you have to look flawless, your background is v important too. Obviously, the better the background, the more likes. If you’re living it up somewhere across seas or jumping out of a plane, make sure to capture a selfie right in the middle of it all. Or if your only background is your bedroom, find a plain wall to sit in front of. This draws (even more) attention to your features.

3. Slightly Angle Your Phone Down, Show Your Left Cheek

Okay, this is like, kind of hard. Everyone wants their phone angled to make them look skinnier, which is the goal, but too much or too little can make you look fucking awkward. Instead of drastically angling your phone downward like you would on MySpace (#tbt), you only want to slightly angle your phone down (that 30 degree rule is real) just enough where it barely looks as though you are. At the same time, turn your head to the right to show off your left side—IDK, science says this is your most flattering side. Don’t forget to put on a ridiculous amount of highlighter to accentuate your cheekbones.

^^^ We could learn a thing or two from Ariana.

4. Try To Look As “Natural” As Possible

This one is a little bit of a lie but, then again, who doesn’t edit their selfies? Nothing is real when it comes to Insta. If you want to smile in your selfie, that’s fine because maybe your ex will think for even a second that it isn’t forced. However, your fans probs want something new, like a sexual smize that doesn’t look like you’re weirdly squinting or having menstrual cramps. You may have to practice your “love is eternal” face but it’ll be worth it, I swear. Do it for the likes.

5. Blue Is Your Best Hue

Whether you’re wearing it, hanging out by the water, or next to a wall, try to incorporate the color blue somewhere in your picture. Google Research says people are more attracted to the color blue and therefore, more willing to like your pic if it has blue in it somewhere. Don’t get crazy and try to pull a bold blue lip, though. It’s not going to work.

6. Wait Until Thursday Anytime From 5-7pm

Lastly, after editing the pic enough that you look like a second-cousin-twice-removed of the Kardashian-Jenner clan, wait to post your picture until optimal posting time. For Insta, that’s usually Monday or Thursday outside of work hours. Unless your selfie shows something worthy of scrolling through from your weekend, don’t post a duckface on Monday. No one fucking likes Monday, everyone is miserable, and I’m probably crying so no, I’m not going to like your selfie. If you wait until Thursday after you get out of work, chances are everyone will like it during their commute home. It’s like, pre-Friday, so spirits are high and so are the chances of getting triple digit likes.

Read: The 6 Makeup Mistakes That Are Ruining Your Selfies

Bow Wow’s Instagram Scandal Is The New Fyre Festival

If Fyre Festival wasn’t enough of a reminder to all of us that social media isn’t real, Bow Wow is here to bring this message home once again in an even more embarrassing way. The internet is roasting the 30-year-old rapper (between freaking out about the state of our democracy) after he posted a pic to Instagram of a private jet, clearly implying that he was about to fly in said jet, only to be snapped flying on a commercial flight like, an hour later. This is exactly like the time your mom spilled the beans that you’d “never been to Canada” after you’d been telling everyone in your class that you had a hot Canadian boyfriend for months. Just embarrassing. And honestly, how did Bow Wow not think that this would happen? Does Bow Wow not think he has enough fans to be recognized? Well, okay, that might have been true. Is Bow Wow dealing with some kind of crisis of confidence? Should we feel like…kind of bad for him?

Nah. He’s still super rich and famous. Even if he’s not “flying in a private jet” rich and famous. Also like, Bow Wow entirely played himself here. Nobody would have given a fuck about seeing him on a regular plane if he hadn’t posted such a blatant lie on Instagram in the first place.

 

 

— Osama Bin Drinkin’ (@Al_Khee) May 9, 2017

No word yet from Bow Wow about the incident, but I’d bet anyone my next direct deposit he goes with the Ja Rule method of apology by tweeting a screenshot of a note like, 24 hours too late, in which he apologizes even though it is NOT HIS FAULT. 

The Bambi Is This Summer’s Hottest Instagram Pose & You’ve Already Been Doing It For Years

Apparently Instagram poses are now considered trends that change on a seasonal basis, because by having a social media account you’ve unofficially signed up to be on ANTM. The hottest look for summer 2017 has recently arrived and is called Blue Steele the Bambi, and before you start panicking about how to smile with your eyes while prancing through the air or wondering if you need to hire a group of hunters to kill your mom, we’re here to assure you that it’s really not that complicated. Check this shit out.

 

@laquan_smith even has me together at the pool

A post shared by Elisa J. (@elisajohnson) on

According to Elle, the Bambi pose is literally just sitting “thighs over calves” so that you look like a baby deer, obv assuming that baby deer wear designer swimsuits and have six-packs. If it sounds a lot like kneeling, that’s because it was kneeling until Kylie Jenner did it back in January and trademarked the way we’ve all been sitting since our first-grade reading groups as part of the Kardashian brand.

 

new year who dis

A post shared by Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Now a bunch of other “influencers” have taken up this very “innovative” look and it’s officially a certifiable trend that you’ll start seeing in all the usual summer photo ops such as:

On An Inflatable Swan:

 

sweetest little @pacsun kini #pacsuninthedesert #ad

A post shared by Bridget Bahl (@bridgethelene) on

 

In The Grass:

 

From my @portermagazine cover story by @terryrichardson @georgecortina in the Bahamas best crew thank you xxx❤️

A post shared by Bella Hadid (@bellahadid) on

 

By The Pool:

 

fry day. @jwlalive #jwlasocialpartner

A post shared by Bridget Bahl (@bridgethelene) on

 

And On The Beach:

 

Baby’s favorite beach

A post shared by Shea Marie (@peaceloveshea) on

It’s actually too simple of a pose if you ask us, since lots of people are going to be “doing the Bambi” without even trying. My 2-year-old cousin has a better Bambi than I do and my envy over her thigh gap was already starting to affect our relationship. Anyway, the good news is that this pose is very easy to incorporate into your summer repertoire when you don’t feel like fake laughing for candids. At the very least hopefully we never have to hear the word “fingermouthing“—last year’s “hot new trend”—ever again because ew.