On the first day of Christmas, Bob Mueller gave to me, another guest at the indictment partyyy.
In case you haven’t heard yet, on Friday, former national security advisor Michael Flynn pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI regarding communications with Russia so….WE GOT HIM. *cue air horns and confetti* Oh wait. There’s no guarantee that this will impact the Trump presidency and lead to impeachment, and we shouldn’t get our hopes up yet because he’s like a collusion cockroach who will never die no matter how many times you try to stomp on his crunchy orange shell. Sorry to rain on your impeachment parade, but before you fully give up all hope and crawl back into bed for the rest of your life, there still might be a chance that this guilty plea means a shred of something in the fuckery of our current landscape of truth and justice after all.
Why This Might Mean Nothing
So we know Flynn talked to the Russians. Theoretically, this is a BFD for a number of reasons – a major one being that he was sliding into Russia’s DM’s during Trump’s campaign, and after he was already sworn into office. However, there’s one tiny problem: we still don’t know what they talked about, or who knew about it. Apparently, Flynn is set to testify that a “senior Trump transition official”
Jared told him to contact the Russians over a U.N. vote on Israeli settlements, but at this point, there’s just as likely a chance that Flynn called Russian officials and promised loosened sanctions in exchange for dirt on Hillary Clinton (illegal), as there are that he just sent a text to Putin that said “hey bb, u up? Eggplant emoji.”
Another big question is how much shady shit Mueller actually found out. If there was direct evidence that Flynn’s interactions with the Russians were super illegal and counted as collusion, why did he only get charged for lying to the FBI? If lying was seriously the worst thing he did, the odds of some swift and brutal justice are not very high. Considering every third word out of our President’s mouth is a lie and he’s still inexplicably in charge, I won’t hold my breath on this one. Also, everybody
poops lies. I’m not going to say I would ever tell a little fib to get myself out of jury duty because that would mean a possible criminal charge, but I’m just saying that I could if I had to…
Why This Might Mean Everything
So aside from the fact that we know Flynn is a liar liar pants on fire, the thing that everyone really cares about is how can Mueller use this to nail down that whole Russia-colluded-to-rig-the-election fact theory.
MUELLER: We gotta crack Michael Flynn. We crack Flynn, we crack the lock on Trump’s whole dirty history with the Russians.
JAMES COMEY: Say crack again.
Flynn has already agreed to “fully cooperate” with all questioning from the special counsel regarding his communication with Russia and what he knows as far as the Trump campaign’s dealings as well. Aka some really juicy and incriminating secrets might come out, and Flynn has the power to put everyone on blast. You also have to remember that Flynn committed a lot of high-key crimes, so the fact that Mueller indicted him on lying to the FBI, one of his lower-key criminal activities, signals that Flynn has likely cut a deal with Mueller to get off on a lesser crime in exchange for pushing
Regina George the entire White House under the bus.
On Saturday morning, Trumps grubby fingers might have dug his own grave a little deeper when he tweeted the following in response to Flynn’s indictment.
Basically what this means, is that if Trump knew about Flynn’s lies back when he fired him, and then told FBI director James Comey to “go easy on him” in his investigation, that is some MAJOR obstruction of justice. Everyone besides the Hairpiece in Chief realized this insane fuckup the minute it was released into the Twitterverse, so Trump’s personal lawyer, John Dowd tried to take the hit and claim that he was the one who really wrote the tweet. Sure, John, sure. You expect us to believe that you A – have access to the Twitter account of a certified maniac and have done nothing to stop his nonsensical tirades thus far? and B – have a law degree and (presumably) a shred of dignity and self respect, and still went on the President’s personal Twitter to write something stupid enough to potentially incriminate him in an impeachable offense? All signs point to you’re full of shit. But I truly admire your efforts, and hopefully Donny still keeps that friendship bracelet you made him and doesn’t fire your ass.
So I guess, at the moment, this is sadly still another case of “wait and see if this will mean anything at all for the Russia investigation.” However, it’s the best case we’ve gotten so far, and since it is December I am officially invoking the hopeful spirit of Christmas to make my impeachment wishes come true. Dear Santa, I happen to know a certain Russia-colluding liar who is definitely on the Naughty List this year, and I promise I’ll be nice if you put a big lump of coal and criminal charges in his stocking.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!