Listen up, heathens. Whether you really give a shit about Independence Day or not, you and I both know you drank enough alcohol this weekend to put Lady Liberty under the table. But now the
excuses for day drinking celebrations are over and it’s time to drag your bloated, hungover body into work like an adult with bills to pay and a mouth to feed.
Unfortunately, you probably feel like you have absolutely destroyed all the work you put into achieving the summer body you were able to display this past weekend. Fortunately, you have a month or two to recover before the next big binge-drinking event that marks the end of summer—Labor Day parties. Seize this opportunity to cleanse and restore your body from all the shit you put it through this past weekend
before you inevitably fuck it up again next weekend.
How, you ask? Follow the advice you found on the internet, obviously. Here are 7 ways to detox after all the burgers you ate and shots you took this July 4th.
1. Drink A Fuckton Of Water
Research shows that hangovers are caused at least in part by dehydration. While the very thought of chugging anything may make you want to vom right now, start sipping on some water ASAP.
2. Replenish Your Electrolytes
Again, you’re probably super dehydrated right now, which means you need to replenish all the body salts you lost while participating in the great American tradition of getting blackout. Sports drinks and salty soups like miso soup are good sources of electrolytes, plus they make you look like you just did something athletic.
3. Eat A Banana
Apparently potassium is good for counterbalancing sodium, so it can reduce all that water making you swell to three times your size. If you don’t like bananas for whatever reason (I get it—you can’t transport them anywhere without them turning to mush, you can’t eat them in public for fear that some perv will get the wrong idea), snack on other potassium-rich foods like sweet potatoes, yogurt, clams, etc. (That last one was a test—send me the names of anyone who can stomach clams when they’re hungover and I’m calling the police on them.)
4. Go For A Walk
Studies have shown that going for a walk after eating helps lower your blood sugar and get your digestive system moving faster. I’m assuming you’ve already digested all the beer from yesterday, but go for a walk just in case—your body can use all the help it can get. It also puts you in a better mood, so you might manage to make it through the day without stabbing someone (Debra in accounting) in the eye with a ballpoint pen.
5. Make Some Asparagus
Asparagus is also known to help your hangover go away faster by up-regulating cell metabolisms. In other words, it helps you metabolize alcohol faster. Who knew?
6. Go For A Starbucks Run
Caffeine has been shown to reduce headaches caused by hangovers, so indulge in your Starbucks addiction today, assuming you haven’t already. Just make sure to go back to #1 and drink water afterward, because caffeine causes dehydration.
7. Skip The Soda
Carbonated drinks have bubbles in them. Bubbles contain air. Gas and bloating are caused by air in your digestive system. You do the math—stay far, far away from carbonated stuff today, unless you want to continue looking and feeling like the angry marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
The Fourth of July might be one of the best weekends of your summer, and even if it’s not, you looked good and blacked out by 2pm, so you deserve some recognition. Getting a sick Fourth of July Instagram can be tough if you want to give off the vibe that your summer kills everyone else’s’ but you’re not trying embarrassingly hard to get a candid pic of you with a red Solo cup in hand. Here are the dos and don’ts of getting your perfect Insta:
Do: Wear Red, White, And Blue
As much as people hate on the girls who wear patriotic colors on Fourth of July, it always looks cute, and it makes it look like you’re having a somewhat festive day, even if you’re just listening to Justin Bieber by the pool with a drink in your hand. I mean, you bought that American flag bikini for a reason, so you might as well put it to good use the one day a year you can wear it.
Don’t: Awkwardly Overdo The Theme
You probably know less about this country than you do about the difference between iced coffee and cold brew, so let’s not pretend you’re some historian all of a sudden. Toss the red and blue face paint and burn that cowboy hat. It’s possible to look cute on the Fourth of July without overdoing it, so find the line and don’t cross it. Let’s not embarrass ourselves before the first round of tequila shots even starts.
Do: Get Friends Involved
Instagrams that make it look like you’re dartying alone are just so cringeworthy. You’re obviously with some friends, so it’s not the time for a solo pic. Like, save that for when you’re on vacation with your family and your mom is willing to take a full-on photoshoot of you in the hotel pool. Fourth of July photos always look better with more people in it, so make sure to get your friends in.
Don’t: Butcher The Caption With Clichés
The last thing this world needs is another “Darty SZN” caption or even worse, the “Party in the USA” line. I mean, everyone knows you’re partying on Fourth of July and everyone has seen these lame captions a million times, so don’t abuse your social media rights. Think of something more creative, download CapGenius, or just stick with American flag emojis. It works every time and no one questions it.
Do: Get A Good Background
Wherever you’re spending your Fourth of July, make sure you get the best part of the location in the background of the photo. Like, if you’re on your sugar daddy’s friend’s yacht in the Hamptons, don’t upload some selfie with nothing photogenic around you. If you’re on the JIMMY at the James rooftop, don’t get your photo in the dark elevator ride. Utilizing your background is key if you want anyone to look at your Instagram and be like, “OK her Fourth of July looks dope.”
Don’t: Make Everyone Around You Hate You
Betches will basically do anything to get a good pic, but don’t make everyone around you start hating you because they got the wrong angle of you sitting on your lounge chair. Ask someone easygoing to take the pic, and if they’re not holding the phone high enough or not putting their cup down to get the perfect lighting, don’t freak out. A little filtering and a good caption go a long way, and it’s not worth getting the rep of the girl who can’t just enjoy a party without getting 500 photos of herself. Yikes.