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Remember back in grade school when you would get all dressed up in your once-a-year patriotic attire for the 4th of July? You’d grab your signature Old Navy T-shirt (depicting something like a golden retriever holding an American flag in its mouth), pair it with Soffe shorts in one of three colors, and finish off the look with a festive temporary tattoo? Ah simpler times, but nowadays you’re an adult with a 401(k) and that iconic outfit from your youth just ain’t gonna cut it for this 4th of July holiday. So what does an “adult” wear on the 4th of July, then? You don’t want to look cheesy dressed in something you can only wear that one day a year, but you still want to look somewhat on theme. Well, before you run back to your local Old Navy with your head hanging in defeat, consider one of these cute outfit alternatives, all of which are available for express shipping in case you’re lucky enough to be headed out for your holiday weekend ASAP.
Summery White Dress
There’s nothing better than being able to just throw on a sundress in the summer and look instantly cute and put-together. A white sundress is very all-American, girl-next-door, and this one in particular is available on Amazon for Prime shipping, so you can be sure to have it on your doorstep ASAP.
Denim Mini Dress
Nothing is more quintessentially American than some blue jeans, so why not take this classic to the next level this 4th of July with a cute denim mini dress? You can dress it up or dress it down by pairing the dress with either sneakers or summer sandals. This denim mini is from Revolve, who offers free two-day express shipping, so you can get it in time for your #ooo message to go up.
Sparkle Top
If you’re here to make a statement this 4th, an easy but eye-catching outfit idea is to wear a trendy sparkle top. Not only is it holiday festive, it also makes for a great Insta opp later in the evening with a sparkler in hand and fireworks in the background. Mind you, not all sparkle tops are created equal, but I can attest to the fact that this one in particular is high-quality, so it will actually last you through your night of drinking (unlike some of the others out there). White Fox offers $10 express shipping.
Festive Denim
These cheeky Free People flares have a not-so-subtle star butt detail, the perfect accent for your 4th of July look. The star works with the theme without being so over-the-top America that you would feel weird rewearing them. Plus, through Wednesday (7/29) at 1pm EST, Free People is offering free express shipping to ensure you have these statement-making jeans in time for your festivities.
Red Gingham Crop Top
This top is actually a swim top, which allows your to transition from beach to BBQ without having to put on a bra. Just throw on a cute white skater skirt or go full USA with some overalls overtop, and you’ll look super cute for the rest of the night. Even better, this popular swim brand, Montce, is currently offering free express shipping right now through June 28th.
Simple Jumpsuit
If you’re going to a more elevated 4th of July party where the aforementioned denim overalls just won’t cut it, opt for an elevated jumpsuit in a basic patriotic color, like this one in white, for an easy and holiday-appropriate outfit. I’m obsessed with this jumpsuit from Revolve which is chic, timeless, and totally summery with the strapless bodice and slit leg detail.
Matching Set
Easy and chic, another go-to summer option for your 4th of July outfit is a summery two-piece set. This one in red pinstripe is just patriotic enough to look like you actually put effort into your outfit without looking so holiday-specific that you would feel weird rewearing it later on in the summer. It’s from Amazon and available for Prime shipping.
Image: Alexey Kuzma /Stocksy.com
The Fourth of July is almost here, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll be spending your long weekend in a darkened room with everyone’s favorite obligatory psychotic jackass, Logan Echolls. Thanks for saving me money on sunscreen, Hulu! But, if you’re not as antisocial as I am, I’m sure you’re prepared to get some sun, drink some cocktails, and force your sister to take 95 photos of you on a flamingo pool float until she gets your “perfect angle.” Hypothetically, of course! One of those photos—or if you’re really full of yourself photogenic, a few of those photos—will end up posted on Instagram in yet another attempt to convince your followers that you don’t spend your days looking at memes and obsessively emailing your therapist about the state of your life. I SEE YOU. Once you’ve got the photo, then comes the actual hard part: the caption. While you’re tipsy on frosé and freedom, you might be tempted to throw out a basic bitch 4th of July caption, and here’s where I have to beg you: PLEASE NO. My heart can’t handle any more of them. Plus, I have faith you’re all more creative than that. And if you don’t know what I mean, I’ve conveniently come up with a list of the basic 4th of July captions to avoid this year. You’re welcome.
1. Captions About Alcohol
If you’re over 21, or I guess, even if you’re under 21 and somehow not afraid of the wrath of your mother and the eternal judgement of your soul (just me?), you’re probably going to be enjoying a nice, cold glass of alcohol over the weekend. Congratulations! This is something many adult humans do. So, when you’re thinking about what you should caption that photo of you and your frozen margarita on the beach, there’s no need to say “Red, White, and Booze.” This isn’t original, and booze is not a color. There’s no need to say “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Alcoholism.” Alexander Hamilton would be ashamed of you. There’s no need to say, “Make America Drink Again.” Because my GOD if I’m not sick of puns using this phrase. And America has literally always been drinking! I mean, except for that brief time when there was prohibition, but I’m pretty sure I learned from The Great Gatsby in history class that people were STILL drinking. So yeah, skip the 4th of July captions about booze, because it’s like florals for spring: groundbreaking.
^^ this is what red, white, and booze looks like
2. Patriotic Captions, Accompanied By A Thirst Trap
Ladies and gentlemen, I have no problem with you posting a thirst trap. However, there is an etiquette rule that I abide by when it comes to these photos (and honestly anything you post/say/do), which is this: if you’re going to do something, be transparent about your reasons for doing it. By this, I mean don’t obscure your desire for compliments on your hot bod by dragging America into this. There are plenty of captions that you can use to acknowledge that, yes, you look great, and yes, you want to be acknowledged for it. That’s why they invented “felt cute, might delete later idk.” I’ll even allow you to make a self-deprecating joke about eating a ton of pizza and hot dogs even when we all know that you haven’t consumed a single gram of saturated fat since 2011. But what I will not allow is this:
Hi Alyssa. You are very pretty, and your body is bangin’ (are the kids still saying bangin’ these days?). Great job. But can we please nix the 4th of July caption? Do not pretend you “dressed” like this for your friend’s backyard barbecue! Friends, I have no problem with nearly nude photos. I’m just asking if we must we drag America into it?
3. References To Fireworks And Pop Songs
Cool, you have a boyfriend. Cool, he’s wearing an American flag tank top. Cool, he just drank 13 PBRs and then lit a Roman candle in his hand. This does not mean that you can caption the photo “Baby, you’re a firework.” This does not mean you can caption the photo, “I see sparks fly whenever you smile.” This does mean you should call 911. And find a boyfriend who still has all 10 fingers.
4. Awful Hashtags
Shout-out to my coworker Conor, who reminded me of the prevalence of the hashtag #murica even though he claims he “is not like that.” Conor, I love you, but your Jersey Shore summer house and pastel pants beg to differ.
When I went to search #murica on Instagram, I was alarmed to find lots of posts about guns and not as many frat bros in American flag Chubbies as I expected. That was enlightening, and yes, I am calling the police. So unless you want to end up with a knock on your door from the local PD courtesy of little old me, I’d just stay away.
^^Just because Emily Blunt says it doesn’t mean you can
And those are the 4th of July captions to avoid. I hope you all have a happy and healthy holiday, and don’t take my advice because then it’ll give me something to make fun of!!
Images Giphy (4); miss_alyssaarce, arielwinter/Instagram
How you spend the Fourth of July says a lot about you. How you Instagram how you spent the Fourth of July says even more. Whether you’re planning to show off the cherry pie you baked, the bikini body you spent all winter dying for, or you simply want to remind the world that you still drink like a sophomore in college, there are a few overdone photos you should steer clear of. Just warning you, if you post one of these overdone July 4th Instagrams, I probably will like it, but I will also screenshot it and send it to my group chat. (Did you even talk shit about someone’s Instagram post in the group chat if the screenshot doesn’t clearly indicate that you liked it anyway?)
1. Photo Of You In Red, White, & Blue Clothes Next To A Plant In Your Yard
I mean, we’ve all been there. Everyone understands the struggle of overdressing for a holiday, and then actually just sitting around eating pasta salad at a family barbecue. You can redeem the day with a dope Instagram; you just can’t do it in front of some mediocre shrubbery in the backyard.
2. Posing On Or Near A Unicorn Float
Unicorn floats are so 2017, which means we can expect to see basics posing with them for at least the next two summers. For those of you who aren’t good at math, this makes the unicorn float Instagram one of the most overdone July 4th Instagrams you could possibly post this year. General rule of thumb: If you’re going to recreate a Kendall Jenner Instagram, your window of opportunity is as narrow as two weeks.
3. Hanging On A Boat In An American Flag Bikini
Speaking of classics that aren’t getting stale… if you’re planning on posting a photo of yourself on a boat with your buttcheeks squeezing out of an American Flag bikini, you might want to reevaluate. Tomi Lahren kind of spoiled this one for all of us.
4. A Sparklers Boomerang
I believe that the creation of Boomerang technology was probably intended for the purpose of girls posting quick, looped videos of themselves holding sparklers on July 4th. Some may argue that this is a classic, but I’m here to tell you that it’s overdone.
5. Using Babies As Props
Unless it’s an extremely cute baby, using a small human as an Instagram prop is not a viable option. If you really insist on being that girl who has to post with “the cutest niece/nephew in the whole wide world!!” at least have the decency to step away from the picnic table for the photo. Why do people think that having a baby in the frame makes up for the fact that the photo is not aesthetically pleasing? It doesn’t. You can do better. And also, why is everyone these days so obsessed with their nieces and nephews? They’re not even your spawn. I don’t get it.
Images: Giphy (3)
Listen up, heathens. Whether you really give a shit about Independence Day or not, you and I both know you drank enough alcohol this weekend to put Lady Liberty under the table. But now the excuses for day drinking celebrations are over and it’s time to drag your bloated, hungover body into work like an adult with bills to pay and a mouth to feed.
Unfortunately, you probably feel like you have absolutely destroyed all the work you put into achieving the summer body you were able to display this past weekend. Fortunately, you have a month or two to recover before the next big binge-drinking event that marks the end of summer—Labor Day parties. Seize this opportunity to cleanse and restore your body from all the shit you put it through this past weekend before you inevitably fuck it up again next weekend.
How, you ask? Follow the advice you found on the internet, obviously. Here are 7 ways to detox after all the burgers you ate and shots you took this July 4th.
1. Drink A Fuckton Of Water
Research shows that hangovers are caused at least in part by dehydration. While the very thought of chugging anything may make you want to vom right now, start sipping on some water ASAP.
2. Replenish Your Electrolytes
Again, you’re probably super dehydrated right now, which means you need to replenish all the body salts you lost while participating in the great American tradition of getting blackout. Sports drinks and salty soups like miso soup are good sources of electrolytes, plus they make you look like you just did something athletic.
3. Eat A Banana
Apparently potassium is good for counterbalancing sodium, so it can reduce all that water making you swell to three times your size. If you don’t like bananas for whatever reason (I get it—you can’t transport them anywhere without them turning to mush, you can’t eat them in public for fear that some perv will get the wrong idea), snack on other potassium-rich foods like sweet potatoes, yogurt, clams, etc. (That last one was a test—send me the names of anyone who can stomach clams when they’re hungover and I’m calling the police on them.)
4. Go For A Walk
Studies have shown that going for a walk after eating helps lower your blood sugar and get your digestive system moving faster. I’m assuming you’ve already digested all the beer from yesterday, but go for a walk just in case—your body can use all the help it can get. It also puts you in a better mood, so you might manage to make it through the day without stabbing someone (Debra in accounting) in the eye with a ballpoint pen.
5. Make Some Asparagus
Asparagus is also known to help your hangover go away faster by up-regulating cell metabolisms. In other words, it helps you metabolize alcohol faster. Who knew?
6. Go For A Starbucks Run
Caffeine has been shown to reduce headaches caused by hangovers, so indulge in your Starbucks addiction today, assuming you haven’t already. Just make sure to go back to #1 and drink water afterward, because caffeine causes dehydration.
7. Skip The Soda
Carbonated drinks have bubbles in them. Bubbles contain air. Gas and bloating are caused by air in your digestive system. You do the math—stay far, far away from carbonated stuff today, unless you want to continue looking and feeling like the angry marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
Ah, July 4th—a holiday created so that Americans can fondly remember the time they threw off the yoke of tyranny and oppression so they could do whatever the fuck they wanted including ditching British accents, eating hot dogs, and electing a president not at all qualified to do his job.
If you’ve ever been on the internet during or around an American holiday, you’ve seen patriotic cocktails, i.e., red and white and/or blue cocktails making the rounds.
This shit would make an eagle cry tears of joy and George Washington jizz his pants. With July 4th a few days away, and you likely without anything to make for your guests at this year’s fireworks fucktacular, you better get your shit together and make these tributes to those dudes who signed the declaration. We appropriately adapted the following recipes from the American woman’s bible, Cosmopolitan.
The American
-1 ½ oz. berry flavored vodka
-1 oz. sliced strawberries
-3 oz. spiked seltzer
-2 oz. coconut water
Put the strawberries in the bottom of a tall glass. Add ice, vodka, spiked seltzer, and the coconut water. Float some blueberries on top and fuck, it’s America in a glass.
Explosion For America
-¾ oz grenadine
-1 ¼ oz blue curaçao
-1 ½ oz vodka
-1 oz spiked lemonade (like Mike’s or some shit)
Grab a tall-ass glass and pour the grenadine into the bottom. Add ice on top. Super fucking gently pour the curaçao over the grenadine so it lays on top but doesn’t really mix. In a cocktail shaker filled with more ice, combine the vodka and spiked lemonade, then gently strain that mixture over the curacao. If you did it right, you have some really patriotic shit going on.
The Fourth of July is like the unsung hero of drinking holidays in that it comes along in the dead of summer, when the weather is beautiful but I’m still trapped indoors at my 9-to-5 and need to be reminded of my will to live. Preferrably through shots. Furthermore, I wholeheartedly support any holiday that gives me an extra day to black out focus on me and my needs and also one that encourages a theme. Despite the fact that New York is probably going to be sweltering hot this weekend, I will one hundo percent be decked out in some form of red, white, and blue and be drinking on a packed, sweaty rooftop somewhere in support of this great country that elected an orange man with Polly Pocket hands to run it. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it drink until they forget about it. So here are the bars you should live your best life and black out in on this Fourth of July because, IDK, freedom or something.
1. Mr. Purple (LES)
Ah, my favorite place to go to and forget the fact that I have the same income as my G Little who just graduated from college two weeks ago. If you haven’t been to this bar yet then I feel sad for you and the life you lead because you are missing out on a fun fucking time. It’s boujee AF and located on the roof of a hotel that I’d probs have to sell my eggs on the black market just to be able to afford their cheapest room. The views are the best I’ve seen in NYC and that’s saying a lot because I pride myself on being a person that is annoying AF on Instagram frequents rooftop bars. Plus in the summer this place gets v exclusive when they open the pool. Basically, it’s the perfect place to debut your new Bad Betch one piece and also feel rich AF.
2. The Standard Beer Garden (Meatpacking)
If you’re looking to day drink with old AF frat bros in khakis then you’re in luck, girlfriend, because this place is the mecca for white dudes looking to reclaim their lost youth. I love it here. Located directly beneath the High Line, it feels tucked away from all the annoying AF tourists walking around (gags) while also keeping the charm of the meatpacking district. It’s a good spot day or night to drink beers that weigh more than my winter body weight and still feel somewhat classy doing it.
3. Night of Joy (Williamsburg)
This place is so blatantly hipster it’s this close to growing a beard. But, like, it’s got a gorgeous rooftop so I guess I’ll ignore the fact that there’s a distinct pretentious douchebaggery to it (or is that sandalwood?) and that every guy at the bar is wearing a smaller jean size than me. And, yes, having a rooftop is the only criteria needed for me to get blackout at an establishment. That and $3 cans of Tecate, which they also have in spades. Praise be. My only advice is that you don’t bring your Urban Outfitters Polaroid camera with you when you go. They won’t think you’re being cute or ironic, they’ll just low-key conspire against serving you at the bar. Which I know from absolutely no personal experience. Just saying. You’ve been warned.
4. The Boat Basin Cafe (UWS)
I know what you’re thinking, the Boat Basin Cafe? Isn’t that, like, upstate? 79th street, but yes, it absolutely is. Just don’t tell the regulars at this bar that, lest you be lectured on the real estate market for park adjacent apartments. But if you’re willing to make the journey have your sanity tested by off-peak hours MTA service, then you should def hit up the this place. Your eyes will one-hundred-percent be assaulted by a crowd of people in pastels and probs grown men wearing rompers but it’s worth it for the views. The drinks are kind of pricey, but then again can we really put a price on a fire waterfront selfie that will make every boy who follows you on Snapchat jealous? Yes, but only if you’re an ex-Bachelor contestant whoring herself for Instagram ads.
5. Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden (Astoria)
Speaking of places that are far as shit, Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden is located in Queens, which I’ve only ever been to twice and both times involved a sassy Uber driver and the G train. *shudders* BUT it’s still a solid choice for those looking to kill their last remaining brain cells over Independence Day. The indoor section isn’t much to look at, but the outdoor part is ideal for throwing back beers and forgetting that you just aged five years trekking to Queens. Tbh I blacked out the last time I was there (which seems like the point) and I don’t remember much other than that their drunk eats were on point. That feels like reason enough to give this place a(nother) try.
6. Extra Fancy (Williamsburg)
I’ve got two words for you: Frozen. Rosé. ON TAP. And before you start some shit with me about how rosé is on its way out as everyone’s favorite summer beverage, I would just like to say that I will fight this one to the end because anything that’s pink and looks good on my Instagram story will be a drink I choose in this life and every other. Just saying. This place itself is an interesting mix of uptight hipsters and basic bitches like myself who are only there for their Instagram story. That being said, the space is huge and it’s got the whole indoor/outdoor thing going for it in case the weather decides to sabotage your July 4th plans by raining. Also, the drinks are v cheap—$8 for a solo cup of frosé (A SOLO CUP) and $5 for draft beer and wine—so it’s the perfect place for day drinking and getting white girl wasted enough to scare the hipsters back to the Bushwick artist dens they crawled out of.
Hipster: *tries to sell me on some bullshit about not believing in monogamy or labels or capitalism*
Me:
7. Pod 39 Rooftop (Murray Hill)
This place is bro-y AF and you know I’m here for it. The vibe is very Cabo with all of its terra cotta columns, Mexican-tiled tables, and a menu full of nothing but tacos, tequila, and bad decisions with a guy who’s tall, dark, and you’re drunk enough for him to be handsome. Also the guy in question is definitely not Mexican but instead someone who says shit like “why can’t they speak just speak the language.” Well we can’t have it all, girls. Aside from the clientele, the view is amazing and the margs are making me want to write a pleasant review on Yelp, which are words I never thought would leave my mouth.
8. The Delancey (LES)
Imagine spending hours willingly ingesting poison Snake Juice, but instead of doing this in some dingy bar with barely any light and vomit lining the bathroom walls where that behavior is socially acceptable *cough* HAIR OF THE DOG *cough* you’re sitting on a rooftop among white chaise lounges and palm trees. It’s a dangerous combination because on the one hand you’re getting fucked up off of Champagne and vodka that costs more than your internet bill, but on the other hand the setting is making you feel more entitled than Paris Hilton in a tracksuit.
^literally me last Saturday
This place is legit ground zero for drunk texting your ex and picking a fight with your bestie in a public bathroom. It’s really quite lovely. Hit this place up Sunday through Thursday from 5-7pm for happy hour and also if you’re feeling like setting fire to your personal life.
With America turning another year older, we needed a fucking patriotic cocktail. Actually, scratch that—we needed two. But like, instead of the usual alcohol + fruit/mixer = drunk, we decided to add in our good friend kombucha, who always seems to come through for us in times of hangover tough shit. You may think the fermented tea tastes a little weird, but this is America, where we experiment with weird vinegar-flavored things and see what alcohol we can add to make it better.
If you shop hard enough, you’ll find plenty of flavored kombuchas which give you the health benefits plus not-gross flavor. So you can get your July 4th party on knowing that you’re like, better than everyone else. And that’s really what’s it’s all about.
Blueberry Mojito
– 1 cup blueberries
– 6 oz. white rum
– A bunch of fresh mint
– 2 tsp. sugar
– Juice from 2 limes or like, some bottled stuff if you’re povo
– 6 oz. kombucha — we used LIVE Soda Pomtastic Blueberry because it’s like, blueberry flavored and doesn’t taste like vinegar and feet but still has kombucha goodness
Got all your patriotic shit? Good. Blend or otherwise smash your blueberries, mint, and sugar together until everything is like, relatively smooth. Stir in the lime and rum until everything is niiiiice and mixed. Divide the mixture between two glasses and top the rest with the kombucha. Add some ice and fuck yes, America.
Kombucha Mimosa
– 1 bottle Champagne or prosecco (as you do)
– 2 bottles berry-flavored kombucha — we used LIVE Refreshing Rhuberry
– 1 ½ cups orange juice
Have you made a mimosa before? Cause like if you haven’t idk why you’re on the site. Probably as a dare. Or you’re a Russian spy. Anywho, grab a big pitcher and combine the Champagne, kombucha, and juice. Stir to combine, pour into glasses, and garnish with berries. Like honestly I shouldn’t have to explain this to you. There’s nothing like a mimosa to kick off a day of explosions and hot dogs for America.
Ah, July 4th: a time in America where our differences are put aside (until we get belligerently drunk) so we can chug beer, wear really questionable American flag attire, listen to Kid Rock, and set things on fire/explode anything in sight as a show of respect for our founding fathers. Navigating a barbecue when it comes to your diet, of course, is nothing if not explosive and dangerous. I mean, how are you supposed to know what’s actually good for you and what will probably make you gain five pounds immediately? We’ve rounded up the five best and five worst foods you’ll see at the barbecue this weekend, so, you’re welcome for ensuring you stay skinny in your American flag bikini.
BEST: 1. Watermelon
Wanna stay hydrated while destroying things in America’s name? Best get you some watermelon. Not only does it have like, zero calories, but it’ll keep you feeling and looking great (see: not bloated) while your brother tries to blow his fingers off with firecrackers.
2. Grilled Chicken Wings
Note all three words in that name—GRILLED being the main one. If your host is throwing wings on the grill, opt for salt and pepper over a dunk in some sauce. It’ll be essentially the same as regular grilled chicken, but you can still feel cute eating it sans the shit on your face and hands.
3. Water
Our boring friend water saves the day again. Obviously you’ll be wanting to hit up the bar, but chugging a few bottles of water between your snacks and drinks will keep you from diving into the macaroni salad or brownie tray. Plus, setting off fireworks and nearly losing fingers is exhausting, so like, be hydrated.
4. Fruit
Shit, there should be platters of those blueberry and strawberry kebabs celebrating the land of our ancestors all over and self-respecting July 4th barbecue. Fill up on all this shit before the real food even comes out since we’re talking super limited calories but lots of fiber. Same rules apply for the crudités plate that’s otherwise getting no love. Take advantage of the situation and load up on the earth’s bounty, bitch.
5. On The Rocks
Skip the beer and the mixed shit and put everything on the rocks if you don’t want to be bloaty and farty on July 5th. Instead of your typical 300-plus-calorie margarita, pour some tequila over ice with a splash of lime (or, if you’re like me, a whole bunch of limes). If you’re feeling rum or vodka, put it over ice with some fruit cubes you can steal from the fruit platter everyone is ignoring. Thomas Jefferson would have done the same shit.
WORST: 1. Fried Chicken
As we said during Memorial Day: Anything that’s coated in buttermilk, flour, butter, and spices and or some combo of that shit and then deep fried isn’t going to do you any favors when you step on the scale tomorrow. We understand that America was totally founded on life, liberty, and the right to be obese, but trust us when we say no one wants to grease dripping down your torso while you’re standing there in a bikini.
2. Potato Salad
Benjamin Franklin wouldn’t have eaten this shit, so you shouldn’t either. If you see a mayo-coated potato salad, just say no. If for some reason you’re dying to be a fatass craving carbs, eat ONE hamburger bun or like, be annonying and make your host nuke a potato for you in the microwave for 6-8 minutes (the poor man’s baked potato). Potatoes have been on our shit list for a long time, so adding the word “salad” to the end does not make it any better.
3. Beer
The summer barbecue is not the place to show off your shot-gunning skills. Beer will bloat you, obviously. Although, if you need the beer to numb your feelings, opt for a light one. Grab a Coors Light or a Corona over the dark Guinness or Amber Ales. Who TF even brings Guinness to a July 4th party, though? You should call Immigration on them.
4. Ranch
I am convinced that ranch was conceived by enemies of AMERICA and given to us in an effort to make everyone so fat that they literally can’t fight a war. Whoever did introduce is winning, too (the south will never rise again). A quarter cup—which you could easily consume if you’re standing and dunking every piece of celery into this shit—weighs in at 220 calories and 22 grams of fat. Ditch this shit immediately.
5. Hot Dogs
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: hot dogs are fucking disgusting and they should not go anywhere near your mouth. They are made up of “poultry trimmings” aka mystery meats and filler plus water and corn syrup. Why is there corn syrup in your dinner meat? These are questions you should never have to ask. On top of that, all those chemicals in hot dogs could give you cancer. Even if you can’t think that long term, all that sodium—a Hebrew National will cost you 1,223 mg, AND THAT’S THE 97% FAT FREE KIND—will definitely make you bloat. I know hot dogs are like, the cornerstone of America, but I think they are also to blame for at least half of all the issues that currently plague our nation. Namely obesity. Just don’t do it.
