The Wildest Moments From The White House Tell-All Trump Doesn’t Want You To See

As if there wasn’t enough going on in the world, one of America’s least favorite attention seekers decided now was the time to force himself into the spotlight. That’s right, former National Security Advisor to the Trump Administration, John Bolton decided that now was a good time to publish hs long-awaited book The Room Where It Happened – which, BTW, is a total rip off of Hamilton – and has been causing drama for, like, six months. 

Last November, Bolton took to Twitter to start promoting his book, which is basically just a list of all of the shitty things Trump did while Bolton worked for him. Here’s the thing, Bolton obviously thought these crimes were serious enough to at least warrant writing a burn book, but still, he didn’t testify during the impeachment hearings. 

While the book is set to come out next week, President Trump is losing his shit about being #exposed, so the Justice Department keeps trying to illegally come up with reasons to block it, either because it includes falsehoods or classified information — Trump can’t make up his mind. 

In the epilogue of the book, Bolton apparently explains that the book has no classified information, and Trump is just upset because it “revealed information that can only be described as embarrassing to Trump or as indicative of possible impermissible behavior.”

A number of news outlets have tracked down advanced copies, which we have adapted as a Burn Book of sorts. Much like Regina George, John Bolton likes to write about crimes instead of reporting them. 

Donald Trump Thought Finland Was Part Of Russia 

Throughout the book, Bolton recounts private convos with Don over his 18 months of service. He claims Trump once asked former Chief of Staff John Kelly if Finland was part of Russia, if the UK had any nuclear weapons (yes), and raged about Pearl Harbor during discussions of Japan. 

He also felt conflicted about supporting Venezuelan opposition leader Juan Guaidó over Nicolás Maduro because he didn’t think Guaidó was manly enough. 

Donald Trump Became Obsessed With Sending The North Korean Dictator A Personalized Gift 

Trump apparently regretted calling North Korean leader  Kim Jong Un “ROCKETMAN” on Twitter and wanted to smooth things by delivering an autographed copy of Elton John’s “Rocket Man” on CD to prove it was actually a term of endearment. 

Such a gift would violate U.S. sanctions against the authoritarian regime, but getting it “remained a high priority for several months,” Bolton writes. Un is a millennial, Don, he doesn’t want your Compact Disc. 

Donald Trump Promised To Intervene In The Justice System To Give World Leaders Favorable Treatment 

Bolton says that in 2018, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan asked Trump to look at a case involving a Turkish firm under investigation by a U.S. Attorney for violating Iranian sanctions.

Trump told Erdogan he would “take care of things” once he got Obama’s prosecutors out. Trump’s refusal to stand up to Erdogan also resulted in the U.S. removing troops from Syria, leaving our Kurdish allies in the dust.

Donald Trump Does Not Care About Human Rights 

Bolton says that Trump told China’s leader that he approved of the construction of camps to detain the members of the country’s Uighur Muslim minority. Hundreds of thousands of Uighur Muslims have been held by the Chinese government for “re-education.”

Just this week, Trump signed a law calling for sanctions to punish Chinese officials for human rights abuses against Uighur Muslims.

Donald Trump Is A Cheater

Of course, the President has been trying to cheat in his elections with Ukraine and China. We all knew that ‘The Donald’ tried to extort Ukraine into helping him get dirt on his political opponent, namely Joe Biden’s son. Cheating is this President’s MO, so we shouldn’t be surprised that he took his moves over to China. 

According to Bolton’s book, Trump asked Xi Jinping, the President of China, to promise that China would buy more produce from American farmers. This would raise his favorability among farmers because that would increase their income, and Trump would be tied to it, bettering his re-election chances. 

Trump asks other leaders to help him win in return for support so often that we should come up with a name for it… maybe we could go with ‘quid pro quo?’

Donald Trump Is A Total Wanna-Be 

Turns out that Donald “LAW AND ORDER!!!” Trump doesn’t believe that dictators and people in power should face legal consequences for illegal actions. Wild. We already knew Donald Trump is a massive fan of obstructing justice. In his book, Bolton says that Trump seems to have adopted “obstruction of justice as a way of life.” 

Apparently, the President is a big fan of intervening in Justice Department investigations that target his friends. Trump is so disgustingly desperate to get approval from dictators across the globe that he will literally do anything to appease them. Two of the many examples of Trump obstructing justice include him trying to get Halkbank of Turkey and ZTE, a Chinese company, out of investigations over sanction violations. 

Donald Trump Is Toxic AF

When “Mean Girls” taught us about the different high school cliques, they must have forgotten to include toxic assholes. Bolton’s book describes the White House work environment as overwhelmingly negative. He cites non-stop infighting between staffers who tear each other down to get the ear of the President. Like, is this the White House or a reality show? The answer is both. 

While obviously, no one should have to work in that type of environment, I’m having a hard time feeling bad for Bolton. What else was he expecting when he took this job? Much like contestants on The Bachelor, I doubt the people working for Trump are there to make friends.

John Bolton is the Nastiest Skank Bitch I’ve Ever Met. DO NOT TRUST HIM. 

Much like Regina George, the concept of irrelevance and being reduced to a lower social circle probably terrified John Bolton, prompting him to release his “tell-all book” and launch himself back into relevance. He certainly wasn’t motivated by what’s best for the public interest, because if he was, he would have released this information via congressional testimony during the impeachment hearings. 

Bolton even covers the impeachment inquiry in his book, citing specific things he would have done differently or further explored if he was in charge. He spends 592 whole pages painting himself as a victim and an innocent bystander to Trump’s crimes as if he isn’t complicit in (at the very minimum) looking the other way. 

Like, I appreciate the sentiment of publishing all of the crimes that Trump committed in office, but if Bolton actually cared about this country and getting him out of office, he had so many other opportunities to do so for free and in a more accessible way than this stupid book. At its core, this book is a pathetic attempt at revenge on the Trump administration. 

Unlike Regina George, Bolton isn’t scattering the pages of his book for free and is charging, like, close to 20 dollars for it. F*cking classic. As much as we all love hearing about other people’s drama, especially when it comes to the President, let’s all make a collective agreement to not buy his book. Instead of spending the $20 on it, buy a book (or two or three) from a Black author. Personally, I’m in the middle of Symone Sanders’ book, and I’m a huge fan. 

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Why Are Democrats Delaying A Senate Impeachment Trial?

Ding dong, Donald Trump has been impeached! And now it’s all smooth sailing from here! Lmao, jk. So cute of anyone to think any political process could be civil in the current climate. It’s 2019, honey, nothing is sacred and everything is trash.

So, what happens next? Great Q. Now that Trump has been impeached by the House, the next step is an impeachment trial in the Senate, which will determine if he is removed from office (just came typing those words tbh). As we know, the Senate has a GOP majority and is run by human equivalent of a wet sneeze, Mitch McConnell. As you may have heard, Mitch is being a Little Bitch about the whole thing, and has made it clear that he will not serve as an impartial juror, and will instead coordinate everything with the White House. So we’re just not even pretending to play fair anymore, huh? Cool.

So, what are the Dems to do? Another great Q. As of now, it looks like Nancy Pelosi — or Nance, as we call her here a The Sup — is planning to delay the Senate impeachment trial by not handing over the articles of impeachment to the Senate or appointing impeachment managers — House members who will serve as “prosecutor” types in the trial.

After the impeachment vote on Wednesday, Nance told reporters: “We can’t name managers until we see what the process is on the Senate side and I would hope that would be soon. So far, we haven’t seen anything that looks fair to us.” Nance has the power to name managers for the Senate trial, and she isn’t obligated to do so under any deadline, according to the rules. So she totes has the power to delay this thing. The question is: should she?

Republicans def don’t think she should, and are having a lil’ hissy fit over it, if you can believe. The White House responded to the move by saying: “House Democrats have run a fatally flawed process with fake facts, and now they want to deny the President his day in court with another procedural maneuver that proves anew they have no case,” and other Republicans have called it constitutional extortion” and a “breathtaking violation.” A little dramatic, but okay.

One could argue that this move only gives Repubs more fuel when it comes to claiming the Dems don’t have a case or aren’t playing fair. But also, like, the Repubs are going to claim that no matter what, so maybe we should just use our power while we have it and let them throw their tantrums?

Also, our girl Nance has a fair point here. Senators have to take an oath to impartial when judging the president’s conduct. A number of prominent Republicans have said publicly and proudly that they have no intention of being impartial. McConnell has straight up said he will work in “total coordination” with the White House. So the juror is working in total coordination with the defendant. Excellent.

Plus, McConnell has said he won’t let Dems call their requested witnesses, so Nance could use this as leverage until he agrees to bring a motion to call the  four White House staffers who the Trump admin refused to let testify in the House hearings. McConnell has said he wants a quick trial — as short as two weeks. Democrats think they can pressure him into concessions by delaying a process he wants nothing more than to get over with.

Delaying the trial until he agrees to play fair seems like a p legit strategy to me, and I’d have faith in it if I thought Mitch McConnell was capable of playing fair, but unfortunately decaying human turtles just aren’t wired that way. However, I do think gaining the power to call new people to the stand could be beneficial for the Dems.

Nancy Pelosi today clarified that she does intend to transmit the articles of impeachment to the House in a timely fashion, and she’s just waiting for the Senate to set its own rules for the proceedings before she decides who to appoint as House managers. But later, Senate leaders Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer failed to reach an agreement on trial rules and the House didn’t make any moves to send over the articles. House lawmakers won’t return from the holiday recess until January 7.

There’s a lot to unpack here, but at the end of the day it’s important to go about these processes strategically and fairly, to set a precedent and to send a message. By refusing to send over the articles of impeachment, the Dems get to publicly state that they don’t believe the Senate trial will be fair, and that they aren’t going to let the GOP abuse their power. How ’bout them apples?

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How to Talk to You Family Members About Impeachment

Technically Thanksgiving is about “giving thanks,” but if we’re being real, it’s also about surviving spending time with your family. Family members say the darndest things, especially when it comes to politics (looking at you and your lizard people conspiracy theories, Uncle Jared).

But this Thanksgiving is special: In addition to your run-of-the-mill debates about identity politics and what’s really causing near-daily mass shootings (guns. it’s because there are too many guns.), this holiday season also presents us with a thriving impeachment inquiry. 

With Americans quite literally split down the middle when it comes to whether the president should be impeached and removed from office, this holiday season is likely to be even more tense than usual.

In order to avoid messy drama at the Thanksgiving table this year, we have laid out some responses to typical conservative talking points about Trump’s potential impeachment that might come up this year. Looks like we are what you can be thankful for this year. You’re welcome!

Cute Comment: Presidents trade things with other governments all the time. That’s foreign policy.

Fire Response: Sure, but typically that’s to gain something of value to the United States. What Trump did was try to dig up dirt on a political opponent. With zero evidence that Joe Biden or his son engaged in wrongdoing related to Hunter Biden’s position on the board of Ukrainian gas company Burisma, this “dirt” had no value to the U.S, just to Trump’s personal political goals. Ensuring Ukraine got military aid, however, did benefit us.

It’s kind of like when you gave me money to order pizza for all the little cousins when I was babysitting them and I pocketed it to buy frosting flavored lip gloss from Claire’s. Remember how mad at me you got for that? Okay, not a perfect metaphor, but the bottom line is Trump used his office and position of power to benefit himself, not help his own people, and in fact put our national security in jeopardy while he was at it. So.

Ignorant Insight: This is just how the government works, sweetie.

Fire Response: It sure seems to be how government is working rn, but it shouldn’t be! What Trump did is blatantly corrupt…he withheld military aid in an attempt to help his own political campaign. If any Clinton ever did this, you would be losing your mind…and you’d be right! It’d be corrupt. Sure, our government does some shady sh*t, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t call them out when they do. Welcome to the resistance, Uncle Ted.

Silly Solution: Why not just let the people decide whether to remove Trump in 2020?

Fire Response: Impeachment is important because it’s the people’s way of showing that we aren’t going to allow a president to get away with breaking the rules. Some behavior is just too fucked up to wait for a performance review. Unchecked power leads to horrific things, and impeachment allows us to stop that from happening, as well as make a historical record that we, as a country, object to this behavior. 

If we don’t put our feet down and let the record show that this sh*t doesn’t fly, future presidents will be able to do the same thing. Also, Trump tried to extort the Ukrainian president literally one day after Robert Mueller’s testimony failed to full implicate him in obstruction of justice. One day! What do you think he’d do the day after he wasn’t actually impeached?  

President Trump clearly thinks he should be able to get away with things that the Constitution says he shouldn’t. If we don’t stand up to that, our democracy could begin to crumble. Idk about you, but I like my democracy fully intact tyvm. (Never gonna happen because Russia is already f*cking with us again, but worth a try.)

Fiona Hill GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY


Fake News: There was no quid pro quo.

Fire Response: Mmm, there literally was though. The definition of a quid pro quo is: a favor or advantage granted or expected in return for something. Trump expected Ukraine to announce an investigation into the Bidens, and in return, he would give them military aid. Quid. Pro. Quo. 

But given that most people first encounter the phrase “quid pro quo” in sexual harassment training, it suddenly makes sense why Trump doesn’t seem to know it. 

Also, two people with direct contact with Trump — EU ambassador Gordon Sondland and acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney — both admitted on live television that there was a quid pro quo. *Sips wine*

Stupid Suggestion: Idk, I think we need to hear from the whistleblower. 

Fire response: I don’t really see why that is necessary, seeing as everything the whistleblower said has already been confirmed. Trump himself released the call transcript in which he replies to a foreign government’s ask for support with “I’d like you to do us a favor though” and mention investigations into the Bidens by name. 

People who were on the call have confirmed the whistleblower’s concerns, saying even the damning version of the rough transcript released by the White House was altered to hide more explicit references

But in any event, whistleblowers need to be protected by anonymity for their literal safety. Revealing their identity would put that at risk — and if something awful happened to a whistleblower, you think people would still speak up about dangerous government corruption? Would you? Could that be exactly Trump’s hope by publicly threatening the whistleblower? *Sips more wine*

Misinformer Misdirection: But Trump never had anything to do with it directly.

Fire Response: Sorry hennie, but Gordon Sondland squashed that theory (a good time to ask for someone to pass the squash). 

Sondland said that Trump repeatedly asked people to work with Giuliani, and digging up dirt on the Bidens was Giuliani’s mission. Also, a U.S. official based in Kiev, David Holmes, testified last week that he overheard Trump on the phone with Sondland talking about “the investigations,” and Sondland told him directly that Trump only cares about “big stuff” in Ukraine, like “the Biden investigation.”

And I think we all know this sounds legit, because Trump speaking loud enough on the phone for everyone in the building to hear it is the least shocking thing I’ve ever heard.


Nope: Ukraine ultimately got the aid, so what’s it matter?

Fire Response: Do you hear yourself? 

Attempting a crime is still…a crime! Ever heard of attempted murder? If you fail at murdering your victim it’s not just a no-harm-no-foul sitch, you still have to answer to the law. Same thing applies here. ALSO, most importantly, Trump only released the aid to after the whistleblower’s report was filed AND after he was notified of it. So like, once Trump had been caught. Coincidence, I THINK NOT AUNT BECKY.

But Ukraine does have a history of corruption. And we give out too much foreign aid anyway!

Measured reaction: True, Cousin Karen. But this new progressive-minded president, Volodymyr Zelensky, had already enacted reforms to combat the country’s issues with corruption. Trump was asking him to behave corruptly! As for foreign aid, if Trump thinks the bill is too high, he has other ways of bringing that to Congress’s attention.

This Ukraine aid packaged had already been approved by Congress because helping Ukraine protect itself against Russian aggression — a reminder, the country is very much at war with Russia — helps U.S. strategic interests and national security.

Cold Take: Okay, so maybe the White House meeting was conditioned upon aid, but none of the witnesses were sure that the military aid was. I think that’s more serious — Ukraine can’t protect itself against Russia without it.

Fire Response: Exactly! But also, sorry. You’re forgetting that White House acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney said on live television during a press conference that aid was withheld. He straight-up admitted to a quid pro quo and said the words, “That’s why we held up the money,” and then I believe used the phrase, “Get over it.” So. Oopsies!


I Can’t:  But her emails…

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By popular demand. Let your beanie speak for you this chilly impeachment season. Buy at the link in bio ☝️ (@shopbetches @kayyorkcity)

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Fire Response: OMFG Uncle Paul, in the words of Mick Mulvaney, GET OVER IT. If you’re so obsessed with making sure politicians don’t do shady sh*t for their own personal benefit, then hop on board to this impeachment and bring your but her emails energy to the actual problem happening right now.

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Here’s What to Expect From The Impeachment Hearings

Public impeachment hearings start tomorrow, and like literally every day since November 4th, 2016, it’s bound to be a sh*t show. The public will be able to watch the hearings, which is what the Republicans wanted, but that seems off because I, a liberal woman, am excited about it? It seems like the hearings are going to be pretty damning for Trump, and letting the general public see that for themselves could lead to people losing faith in the president. On the other hand, sounds great to me! Is this what straight dudes feel like on the eve of the “Superbowl?” Anyway, here’s what to expect when expecting the president to get impeached.

When Exactly Are The Hearings?

First things first. The initial hearing is on Wednesday morning at 10am EST. The second hearing is on Friday at 9am EST. Both of these are usually during the sacred time when I hit ‘snooze’ for the 17th time of the morning, but I’m willing to make an exception for these iconic events.

Who Will Be Starring in These Hearings?

Great Q. Adam Schiff will be calling three major witnesses who have already testified behind closed doors. Those people are:

William Taylor: Homeboi is the guy who texted Gordon Sondland after the infamous Ukraine call and was all like, “Yoooo, are we really saying that security assistance and WH meeting are conditioned on investigations? Seems pretty sketch lol,” (paraphrasing), and then Sondland was all like, “Dude, call me. We can’t have this in writing.” (paraphrasing) Taylor’s testimony behind closed doors didn’t look good for Trump, as he made it clear that there seemed to be a quid pro quo directly at the center of the call, so we’re looking forward to round two in his public hearing! Oh, William Taylor is also the top diplomat in Ukraine, so kind of a big deal.

George Kent: This guy is the deputy assistant secretary of state for European and Eurasian affairs, and he previously went awf on how Rudy Giuliani is a moron went against the traditional bipartisan approach regarding U.S. support for Ukraine in an effort to push for political investigations. We love to see it.

Marie Yovanovitch: A queen!!! You may remember her as the woman who was ousted from her position as the U.S. ambassador to Ukraine, which she says was due to her lack of blind support for Trump. She said that she was told by Ukrainians to “watch my back” because Giuliani’s associates were pushing their business interests and viewed her as an obstacle. Tea!!!

WTF Is Gonna Happen?

Another great Q. The country is clearly divided, and it’s hard to say if these hearings will help persuade people into believing that the president should be impeached. Call me cynical, but I have a feeling those who believe he should be impeached will continue to feel that way, and those who don’t will continue to come up with whatever they need to in order to make some roundabout argument that Trump is a god.

Either way, Democrats are likely to keep pushing what they have been during this process: that Trump withheld military aid from Ukraine for political gain, and for that he should be impeached because of it. Their strategy seems to be to simply make what was made clear behind closed doors public.

Republicans have come up with a lot of ways to defend the president’s actions, but a memo with their defense plan was released by CNN and it looks like their main talking points will be that a) the July 25 call summary “shows no conditionality or evidence of pressure”, b) Zelensky and Trump have said there was no pressure on the call, c) the Ukrainian government was not aware of the hold on assistance during the July 25 call and d) the security assistance hold was lifted on September 11. There are some holes in these arguments, so stay tuned to see how they defend them.


Will The Republicans Call Witnesses?

Devin Nunes has sent a list of people the Republicans would like to call as witnesses, though the House has to sign off on them. The Repubs famously want to call the original whistleblower as a witness, which would go against protecting their identity and put their life at risk. So, yeah, that’s probs not going to happen. Looking forward to seeing Lindsey Graham cry about it, though.

So, Then What?

There will likely be more hearings the following week, but Democrats have made it clear that they want to wrap this all up quickly, ideally by the end of the year. The Intelligence Committee will prepare a report with recommendations and send it on over to the House Judiciary Committee. Then the House Judiciary Committee will be in charge of drafting any impeachment articles they see fit. The House Judiciary Committee is also likely to hold hearings. Once they draft their impeachment articles, there will be a House vote on whether or not to impeach the prez. So basically, there will be lots of hearings and lots of committees. Rude that the only committee I am a part of — The Itty Bitty Titty Committee — will not be asked to make any input, but ok.

So Like, Will Trump Be Forced to Leave Office?

Tbh, probs not. Again, I’m cynical, but the past few years haven’t given me any reason not to be. The Senate would have to vote to remove Trump from office, and Republicans are in the majority. They’ve made it pretty clear that they’ll willing to back up the president, even if it means ignoring clear evidence of wrongdoings. But who knows, maybe the Ghost of Christmas Past will visit all Republican senators this holiday season and convince them to get their moral compasses in line!!

Until then, see you at the impeachment hearing viewing party!

Hunter Biden Is Setting The Record Straight

Hello, and welcome to hell American politics. In case you need a refresher: the president is an unstable moron who apparently feels like if he doesn’t tweet every hour he will die. On Friday, Trump decided to send out this very chill and very presidential tweet:


— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 12, 2019

He was referring to Hunter Biden, son of Joe Biden, who has been at the center of the impeachment extravaganza after Trump asked Ukrainian officials to investigate him and his foreign business dealings. Lucky for Donald, Hunter Biden sat down with reporter Amy Robach to show that he is very much around and has nothing to hide. When Robach mentioned to Biden that Trump has suggested that he is “in hiding,” Biden said, “Hiding in plain sight, then.” Oookay, someone’s got jokes!!!

Hunter Biden took a job on the board of a Ukrainian natural gas company called Burisma while his father (Joe Biden) was Vice President. When asked by Robach if he ever discussed his business dealings at the company with his father, Hunter Biden gave a hard “no,” besides when his dad told him, “I hope you know what you’re doing.” What a classic dad thing to say.

Biden went on to say that there has been misinformation going around saying that he was not qualified for the job at Burisma. In the interview, he lists off his qualifications, but when asked if he would have gotten the job if his last name wasn’t Biden, he says, “I don’t know. Probably not. I don’t think that there’s a lot of things that would have happened in my life if my last name wasn’t Biden.” A white man outright addressing how his privilege has served him?!?!

Biden repeatedly said that he did not do anything ethically wrong, but he did admit to making some poor judgments — but none of them illegal or unethical.

“You know what, I’m a human, did I make a mistake? Maybe in the grand scheme of things, yeah. But did I make a mistake based upon some ethical lapse? Absolutely not,” he said, adding that the mistake he made was doing something that, “gave a hook to some very unethical people to act in illegal ways to try to do some harm to my father.” He elaborated on this with some sh*t-talking and name-dropping (we love to see it) by saying, “I don’t regret being on the board, what I regret is not taking into account that there would be a Rudy Giuliani and a president of the United States that would be listening to this ridiculous conspiracy idea.”

Biden also denied the allegation that Trump and his allies have made about a trip Hunter Biden made to China, which he traveled on Air Force Two with his father and daughter. Hunter Biden says he made the trip to accompany his teenage daughter, and that he met with some business associates in a social manner while there.

Trump has accused Hunter Biden of receiving $1.5 billion dollars from this trip. When asked if this is true, Biden said absolutely not, and that if it were, he would “not be sitting down for this interview right now.” This guy has the kind of material that could make him a successful mediocre male comedian in NYC (Hunter Biden, if you’re reading this, please do not take this to heart)!!!

He also offered up this nice quote when talking about the Trump Administration’s love for making sh*t up: ” They feel like they have the license to go out and say whatever they want. It feels to me like living in some kind of ‘Alice in Wonderland.'” Not a bad metaphor, but at least Alice in Wonderland was fun. This whole having an immoral bag of skin for a president feels less fun.

The best part of the interview was when Biden fired some shots at Donald Trump Jr, particularly when he referred to him as “Donald Prince Humperdinck,” when essentially saying he doesn’t give him or any Trump family member any thought because they don’t matter to him.

Live footage of Donald Prince Humperdinck and Hunter Biden feuding:

In short, Hunter Biden is your typical white guy with a successful daddy who probs got ahead in life based on that advantage. But there has been no evidence that shows he did anything illegal or unethical in his business dealing with Ukraine and China. Let’s hope this interview has reassured Trump’s concern that Hunter Biden is MIA and will make him stop tweeting (it won’t).

Photo courtesy ABC/Good Morning America

5 Times Hillary Clinton Has Made This Whole Impeachment Thing Fun

I don’t want to jinx anything, but we are currently residing in a moment when Donald Trump is living a nightmare and Hillary Clinton is thriving. The year of Lord & Savior 2019 at its best.

The impeachment process is poppin’ off, and HRC is wasting no time in terms of joining in on the fun. She’s had some iconic tweets about the matter, and even made some fun n’ flirty TV appearances while she promotes her new book written with daughter Chelsea Gutsy Women. Here are five legendary ways Hill has made herself queen of the impeachment so far.

1. This Reply Tweet to Kamala Harris

Two queens, one tweet thread. HRC knows a good call back opportunity when she sees one, and we love that for her. Get ’em!

But my emails. (Thank you.)

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) September 30, 2019

2. This No Bullsh*t Tweet About Trump’s Corruption

The ‘again’ here is absolutely savage. Trump beat her unfairly through corruption, and now he’s planning to do it again with his next opponent. Hillary knows it, we know it, but for some reason my uncle Bobby does not know it. Maybe I can show him this tweet to help…

The president asked a foreign power to help him win an election.


— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) September 20, 2019

3. This Interview With Stephen Colbert

If you have 10 minutes to spare, I highly recommend watching this interview of Hillary and Chelsea Clinton on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert. HRC really let her long bob down and is lol’ing loudly pretty much the entire time. It’s adorable. She throws out a lot of shade, but the best is when she’s talking about word-vomit enthusiast Rudy Giuliani and says, “As we’ve seen on television, carefully thinking through things is not one of Rudy’s strong points.” Hope Rudy carries Neosporin on him because he’s going to need some for that BURN.

TONIGHT: Sec. @HillaryClinton and @ChelseaClinton react to the news that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo was on the line during Trump's problematic call with the leader of Ukraine. #LSSC

— The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) October 1, 2019

4. This Perfect Tweet

No notes. That’s it. That’s the tweet.

The president is a corrupt human tornado.

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) September 30, 2019

5. This Exchange With Ashley Nicole Black

I never knew seeing Hillary Clinton talk about ‘text threads with girlfriends’ would bring tears to my eyes, but here we are. Thank you to Queen Ashley Nicole Black for bringing this beauty into my life. G bless.

In times like these, you can never have enough text threads with girlfriends…

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) September 26, 2019

Images: Twitter (5)

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Okay, So What Exactly Is the Impeachment Process?

Donald Trump’s impeachment has been fantasized about for years. But much like any time a fantasy comes to reality — scoring a dream job,  accepting a proposal, finishing a weeks-long “Game of Thrones” binge — the moment is often followed by an urgent sense of: WTF happens next?! 

All in favor of Dua Lipa releasing a remix of ‘New Rules,’ but just about the rules of impeachment, say I. Until then, you have me. Let’s run this down. 

In honor of Nancy Pelosi, I am about to get going on some work stuff that I really should have done months ago.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 24, 2019

For starters, the final straw on impeachment came after the President’s phone-a-friend moment with the Ukrainian President, who FYI became President after starring in a TV show where a celebrity becomes President. I guess they had a lot to catch up on.

And no, they didn’t talk about the differences between craft services in the U.S. and Ukraine. Instead, Trump admitted to trying to influence Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate Joe Biden at the same time he had frozen US military aid to Ukraine, which the country relies upon given a very recent history of Russian aggression. The thing is, you’re REALLY not supposed to leverage national security resources to extort another nation into digging up dirt on your political opponents. 

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced a formal impeachment “inquiry” following Trump’s own admission he spoke to Zelensky about the Bidens. The release of a rough transcript of the call and a subsequent whistleblower complaint alleging that the White House attempted to conceal records of the call convinced even more Democrats that impeachment is the only reasonable response.

For what it’s worth, this is pretty historic — impeachment has only happened twice in the U.S., with past Presidents Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton. Richard Nixon would be on the list but he upped the game by resigning before the impeachment could happen. 

If you’re sitting there and you’re like, “F*CK YES, IMPEACHMENT!” but also at the same time want to say, “Siri, what exactly is impeachment?” it’s okay, we got you. Not everyone knows exactly what it is and the steps required for it because luckily, we haven’t had to do it a lot.

Impeachment is a process rather than a singular act. So it’s not like unmatching with that sketchy dude on Hinge, but rather showing your friends his profile that says “his ideal first date is hiking” and letting them deliberate. That’s exactly what will happen now that Democrats in the House of Representatives have largely to get this show on the road.

Lawmakers pursue impeachment if they believe a president or federal official has committed “treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors.” which if you saw the “rough transcript” of the call made by Trump and the even more damning whistleblower complaint on the matter…  you can connect the dots on that. Lawmakers in favor of impeachment do not have to prove a crime was committed in order to justify an official condemnation of misconduct or even removal — the idea is that the office of the president is sacred, and misdeeds that fall short of criminal behavior still disqualify someone from serving as president. 

However, it’s worth noting that there is broad consensus that President Trump did commit a crime by soliciting campaign assistance from a foreign government. 

If you’re also scratching your head and wondering, “haven’t we been talking about impeaching him since Meghan Trainor was relevant?” you’re correct. However, this is the first time the actual steps to investigate Trump’s misbehavior are formally taken as part of an “impeachment inquiry.” After the Mueller Report was released, everyone was divided on whether to start the impeachment process — mainly Nancy Pelosi and other veteran Democrats concerned about the political consequences with the upcoming 2020 election. 

What Happens Next? 

In the coming weeks, the House will determine whether to formally impeach the president, then the Senate holds a trial to consider his or her removal. (It should be known that both Johnson and Clinton were impeached, but acquitted in the Senate.) After that trial, two-thirds of Senators must vote in favor of removing the president.

First, Nancy Pelosi will direct six committee chairs already investigating Trump’s sketchy moves detailed in the Russia investigation and attempts to profit off the presidency to consider these new impeachable offenses as well. These committees will then bring their findings to the House Judiciary Committee, which will vote to determine if articles of impeachment should go to the full House of Representatives. Translation: Your school’s social committee broke up into six different groups to look at a venue for a school dance— they take those findings to the group and they decide if it’s worth bringing it to the kind of sad teacher who runs the social committee or not.  

If it seems worthwhile, and the majority votes in favor – the President is then impeached. This is where it gets interesting because he or she then has a choice: be impeached and fight for your office or just resign. Like we mentioned earlier, Clinton and Johnson fought against impeachment and won — but Nixon just resigned cause he knew he wouldn’t be getting the support from the Republican Party. 

If he chooses to fight? The trail goes to Senate where basically the House is the prosecutor, the President is the defense and the Senate is the jury.  And unfortunately, the Senate has a Republican majority — so 20 Republicans will have to turn on him.

Trump loves to be best, so maybe he’ll be the best at impeachment and get everyone to unanimously vote him out.

a house impeachment would be the first popular vote trump ever won

— ziwe (@ziwe) September 24, 2019

Or, he can just resign.

Or, nothing really changes but we can laugh at him for being impeached while donating to the level-headed candidate of our choosing for 2020. The Hunger Games!!  

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Ugh, Here’s a List of Ways Trump’s Business Has Benefited From His Presidency

As you may recall, some eyebrows were raised when man-who-definitely-hands-out-dental-floss-on-Halloween Mike Pence and co. recently stayed at Trump’s golf resort in Ireland, which was three hours away from Dublin where his meetings were actually taking place. Seems like a pretty blatant kiss-ass maneuver to me. After admitting the president had merely “suggested” the location, Pence eventually denied the accusation that he only stayed at the resort to please Trump, and his and Trump’s responses were all the usual, infuriating bullsh*t-in-plain-sight ordeal.

But it’s worth noting that this sort of thing is far from the irregular. The bizarre Ireland suggestion, paired with the fact that Attorney General Bill Barr will spend more than $30,000 of his own money to throw a private holiday party at the Trump International Hotel, are glaring enough even without Trump’s non-stop babbling about hosting the next G-7 at his Miami Doral resort. These and other events have prompted the House Judiciary Committee to consider including hearings on a potential violation of the emoluments clause — which prohibits the president from enriching him or herself through the presidency — in potential impeachment proceedings.

Tbh, Trump’s businesses have really flourished since he was elected. People have come to realize that the best way to get the president’s attention is to dress up as a giant McDonald’s fish fillet sammie spend money that will end up in his pockets, so they make sure to frequent Trump’s resorts. It’s even drawn comparisons to the Mafia practice of “kicking up” — or making sure any benefit to the boss’s staff makes it into his own pockets. Wow, it’s almost as if this was Trump’s main motive for applying to a job that he has seemingly no interest in and absolutely no qualifications for.

Anyway, here are some disturbing stats that we found in a New York Times article exploring spending patterns uncovered by Public Citizen and Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, about the ways Trump’s businesses have benefited from his presidency.

1. Since January 2017, political candidates, party organizations, and Trump’s own political operation have spent at least $5.6 million at Trump properties.

To put that in perspective, in the four years prior to Trump running for prez, the same hotels and other venues collected a total of only $119,000 in federally regulated payments from political groups, according to the New York Times. Sooooo, yeah. This is like comparing my childhood allowance (zero dollars) to my rich friend’s allowance ($20 a week for doing sh*t like cleaning her own GD room) — there’s an obvious and unfair difference.

2.  Trump’s inauguration committee paid the Trump Organization $1.5 million for rooms, meals and event space at its Washington hotel

Corporations, friends, and allies of the president covered the cost of the inauguration, so it wasn’t paid for by the government, but the man running the government still got a big, fat check from it.

3. Members of Congress have made at least 188 or more visits to a Trump property. These visits were made by 90 members of Congress, including 26 (of 53) Republican senators.

Teacher’s pet much?

4. Since 2017, 250 Trump administration officials have been seen visiting at least 630 Trump properties.

Again, could y’all be more of a suck-up?!

5. According to the Times, “more than 110 officials from nearly 60 different foreign governments have visited a Trump hotel, golf course or other property.”

These figures were uncovered by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. I guess this is how foreign policy is conducted now. Great.

6. Trump has spent nearly a THIRD of his presidency staying at his own family businesses — a total of 293 days since he was sworn in.

But surely the federal government doesn’t pay for him to do so? Of course it does. Him and his massive Secret Service and advisory apparatus. “These visits have generated hundreds of thousands of dollars in federal government payments to cover the lodging expenses of the Secret Service and other personnel who accompany him,” according to the Times. How is this legal?!


7. Dozens of influential and wealthy D.C. players attend a monthly happy hour called “Trump First Tuesdays” at the Trump International in D.C.

Wow, Trump supporters have even found a way to make happy hour sound unappealing. I’m honestly impressed.

8. The government of Saudi Arabia spent $190,273 at the Trump hotel in early 2017. They spent $78,204 MORE just on catering.

This so far is the single largest tab paid by a foreign government. So weird that Trump didn’t want to investigate a reporter being murdered on their watch…

Earlier this year, NBC News reported that officials from at least 22 foreign governments have spent money at Trump Organization properties — booking rooms and hosting events — since his inauguration.

Trump denies that he has any influence on this sketchy accommodation choices — according to him, these people just have good taste (lol no). But even if Trump isn’t explicitly suggesting that people support his businesses, the idea that doing so will make him more likely to be on your side is still obvious to people. In other words, the presidency is making Trump richer, without him even having to do anything. His plan is working, and it’s infuriating.


One More (Sketchy) Thing: 

Bringing over our favorite podcast segment for this one. (Do you listen? You should listen. Find us on Spotify here and iTunes here.)

Another New York Times report details the Trump Organization’s unusual relationship with a Scottish airport, possibly forged for mutual financial gain.

In recent years, the Pentagon has increased its use of an airport in Scotland for refueling stopovers, possibly so that military crews stay at the nearby Trump Turnberry golf resort. Before Trump ran for president, the Trump Organization developed a partnership with the Glasglow Preswick airport, which is located near Trump’s Turnberry golf club and resort, to refer more aircrews to his hotel. In return, Trump would “drive corporate jets there and attract other commercial traffic,” according to the Times.

When the Pentagon decided to make more use of the airport to refuel Air Force flights, they left up to the airport to arrange accommodations for United States military personnel. And the airport has been quite generous towards President Trump in doing so, even though his hotel is farther from the airport and advertises higher rates than competitors in the area.

The number of stops by Air Force planes at Prestwick rose from 180 in 2017 to 257 in 2018 and 259 so far in 2019. 220 of those 259 stops required overnight stays. Since October 2017, records show 917 payments for expenses including fuel at the airport all add up to a total of $17.2 million. Casual.

How much Trump’s hotel has actually benefited from the partnership has not been determined. In response to the report. Trump tweeted that he knows “nothing” about the partnership and the crews staying overnight at Turnberry just “have good taste.”