Thanksgiving—or, as I like to call it: Dinner in Hell—is nearly upon us, which means soon not only will you have to pretend to like your mother’s gluten-free stuffing, but you’ll also have to put up with the black cloud that descends upon your family dinner table once a year in the form of your nosiest and most racist relatives. Gotta love the holidays! There’s nothing quite like trying to shove a second slice of pie down your throat while also having to explain to Aunt Sally that, yes, you’re still single and
getting ghosted by a guy who works at Radio Shack thriving. Luckily for you betches, I may have found a way for you to come armed to the emotional waterboarding party with some crazy material to f*ck with your Aunt Sally and any other relative who likes to hold the rolls hostage until you divulge your five year plan. And it comes in the form of 1950s dating advice.
Yes, 1950s dating advice. You see, the other day I was messing around on the internet and avoiding answering any emails that would require me to actually do something to earn my paycheck, when a friend sent me the most hilarious and batsh*t article I’ve seen in awhile (shout-out to @ Sweetest Betch You’ll Ever Meet for always coming through with the best internet trash!). Apparently, a woman randomly found a women’s magazine from 1958 with a cover story on “129 Ways To Find A Husband.” The 1950s dating advice ranges anywhere from “mildly frowned upon” to “I’m calling the goddamn police,” so naturally all 129 pieces of wild advice was posted onto the internet for the public to judge and ridicule. I encourage everyone to read the article in its entirety because it’s absolute GOLD, but since I don’t have all day to sit here and individually mock every piece of advice, I’m just going to list my favorites, mmkay?
“Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers.”
I know this seems aggressive to start out with, but this was literally #6 on the list. NUMBER SIX!! I don’t know what’s more suspicious: that ladies back in the day were showing up to other women’s funerals dressed like they’re about to sock hop right over their competition’s dead bodies to sleep with their newly singly husbands, OR that there were enough funerals happening for this to be commonplace advice. Either way, I’m
disturbed afraid to ask my grandma.
“Dropping the handkerchief still works.”
Here I was thinking Elle Woods was ahead of her time, when really betches have been perfecting the bend and snap since 1958. I prefer to emotionally masturbate over texts my ex sent me at 3am instead of using dating ploys that might physically and emotionally put myself out there, but, hey, to each their own.
“Wear a Band-Aid. People always ask what happened.”
Lol clearly the person who wrote this has never spent any time with the New York subway system. I’ve literally seen people sitting in their own feces ride from Bushwick to Midtown without a single person asking them “are you okay” or even “do you need me to call you an ambulance,” let alone actually hitting on them. I’m just saying.
“Don’t room with a girl who is a sad sack and let her pull you down to her level.”
First of all, I am the sad sack in the group and I find that statement personally offensive. I may or may not have earned the nickname “Moaning Myrtle” from my friends because instead of blacking out and taking home a hot stranger, I prefer to black out and request the DJ play “Wrecking Ball” while weeping into my vodka cran. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A FUN TIME, OKAY.
“Go to all reunions of your high school or college class. There may be widowers there.”
Jesus. Again with the widowers. Though, if we’re being honest, this does feel like the most relatable piece of advice. Not the widower thing, but the part about the reunion being a good place to
make a romantic connection get laid. But instead of trying to bang the hot widower, it’s more like you’re trying to bang the hot boyfriend of the girl who told you gold hoops were her thing.
“Don’t be afraid to associate with more attractive girls; they might have some leftovers!”
Okay, wow. Reading this doesn’t at all make me want shove my head in an oven. I guess the people behind this list are trying to say that attractive people will be able to set you up with guys?? Lol. I don’t have one friend, attractive or otherwise, who has set me up with anything less than 2018’s Quasimodo. PLEASE.
“If he’s rich, tell him you like his money—the honesty will intrigue him!”
This is assuming that you can find a single, attractive guy whose net worth amounts to more than a six pack of Bud Light. Considering the last eligible man I encountered was the human equivalent of a crumpled bag of Doritos, I’m not optimistic that those men are even real. BUT assuming you can find one, then Venmo yourself $1,500 when you’re putting your number in his phone. Just to show him you’re serious!
And, finally, my personal favorite….
“Stand in the corner and cry softly. Chances are good that he’ll come over to find out what’s wrong.”
Funnily enough, this is actually my
strategy for dating state of being after 1am, and I can’t say that it’s gotten me anything other than a wide f*cking berth from the male gender. Except from the bouncers who like to come over and tell me I’m “killing the vibe.”
So there you have it, Aunt Sally. I’ll be doing my part this year by crying in the corner more often. Now, can you do your part and stop tagging me in Facebook posts about when you should give up and freeze your eggs? Thx.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4)
You can only have so many girls nights where Adriana’s breakup is the center of attention before you start eyeing the bro selection and hoping one of them isn’t a complete douche to distract you. Some nights you just want to trap a guy because all your friends already know how great you are and that’s no fun. It’s much more fun to watch a hot stranger discover how great you are. So for the nights when you just want to invest in your future but still want to get drunk, one of these bars is a perfect place to go husband shopping if you live in Los Angeles. Which is especially important because if you live in Los Angeles the chances of making it to a second destination are slim, so you must choose wisely when deciding where to go out for the night.
10. Lock & Key
This Ktown speakeasy is full of rich bros who are fighting to buy you a drink. This is a destination for groups and birthdays, which means the vibe is laid-back and rowdy at the same time. It’s a social bar so if you’re looking for a quiet date night you might want to skip this, though early in the night you can get away with chill cocktails by the bar. The patio has a DJ to keep the vibe feeling too house party, but it’s still bright enough to see and not spill your drink and like, check out the merchandise. Great chance to make eye contact with your real life right swipes from across the patio, then when you make your way to the bar for another drink, you’ll have to conveniently walk by him.
9. Roosevelt Hotel
Despite the fact that this is in Hollywood, which is the Times Square of Los Angeles, you’ll actually find the Roosevelt Hotel has a good selection of normal chill dudes to strike up conversation with. Maybe it’s because it’s where industry adjacents go to drink and not be judged, but you’ll mostly meet agents and managers and those types, aka well-dressed hot bros that should be gay based on their fashion sense and interest in your career, but are actually DTF—down to fiancé.
This is where all the west side ex-sorority betches and bros go to pretend they’re not past needing to show an ID to a bouncer yet. The many rooms of this bar make it literally feel like you’re shopping for a new beau, and also makes it easy to ditch a dud you half-start talking to once he mentions making America great again. It’s also right on the beach, which is romantic or something, but you’ll forget where you are once the bartender comps you enough Moscow mules. Attractiveness level is on point here, though chances of running into exes is also high.
7. Idle Hour
This valley bar is a good group spot with a fire pit in the back and a good selection of alcohol and beer garden snacks. It’s far away enough from Studio City that you won’t have to watch your boss on a first date, but also close enough for it to be convenient for those coming from Hollywood or the Valley. This is def a chilled out vibe, but because it’s a popular spot for parties and gatherings, you’ll find bros are in their element. Plus this way you can meet his friends and decide if be’s cool based on what characters choose to spend their time around him.
6. Three of Clubs
This is a spot you want to come armed with your battalion of girlfriends, but on a good night it’s rowdy and feels like a college party without the date rape. Sometimes it’s a mixed bag as you’ll get the old drunk men hitting on you, but the dance floor makes up for it. They play a healthy mix of 90s music, hip-hop, and Beyoncé so you can dance your way into some hot dude’s heart.
This Highland Park spot is half hipster, half trust fund, which means you’ll be able to find your future husband AND your future side piece all in one place. HP is half gentrified which means there’s still no sign of Urban Outfitters but there are a few fancy donut shops. It also means there are only so many selections of bars, so for convenience’s sake most of the young virile residents will be at one of a few on a Friday night. And Hermosillo is one of those.
4. Dirty Laundry
Dirty Laundry is def a scene spot at this point, which means you may be spying on many first Tinder dates while scoping out your options. The good news is the bar is popular for a reason, and when it’s not too crowded you’ll never be short of an interesting encounter when you go out here.
3. Block Party
This Highland Park bar only opened in the last two years, but its proximity to a taco truck and crystals shop are an indication of its cool factor. The bright neon writing inside the bar is probably ironic in some way, and the bar has an immense selection of beers, which is like a magnet for bros who watch European soccer and know why cargo shorts are a pussy repellent. The bartenders are cute here too, which is always a plus. The back patio of this bar has party games like a giant Wii and shuffleboard, so the icebreakers are literally built into the bar.
2. The Friend
If you’re into mustaches and tattooed bros with jobs, you’ll like The Friend. This East Side joint is also set up like a house party, but like one from the 70s we think? There’s usually a DJ spinning tunes and it’s small enough that you’ll be able to corner whoever you want for conversation or like, whatever comes after conversation.
1. Tenants of the Trees
This is right in the heart of Silverlake which means you can talk about the women’s march while ordering a $15 cocktail and nobody will find fault with you. This is a good bar to go with friends that you don’t mind losing before the end of the night. It’s definitely got a hipster vibe to it, but in a more Williamsburg than Bushwick way.