New year, same hangover. If you’re reading this, you’re most likely on your couch, staring longingly at the sink, desperate for water. Your makeup is still half-on from last night (your clothes half-off), and a half-eaten slice of drunk pizza is laying on the floor next to you. Basically, you’re only half-alive at this point. Your hangover has taken over and you are seriously regretting every decision you made leading up to this point, aka that last round of tequila shots chased by Fireball: innovative in the moment, highly regrettable now. You were on top of the world last night, but you’re on the floor today. Before you lose all hope and pledge to never drink again (because we all know you’re lying) allow me to restore your faith in the world. Seriously, take a break from re-watching your own Insta story for the 10th time and get ready to refresh your hangover.
I get it, your mouth’s as dry as the Sahara Desert and you’re completely depleted of all essential electrolytes. You know you need to drink something, but what you choose to drink can be key in alleviating the effects of your killer hangover. While hydrating yourself is important, you want to get the right liquids into your system. I know Chad from Kappa Kappa Whatever once told you that “You can’t get hungover if you never stop drinking!” but that sage advice doesn’t sound very appealing when even the thought of alcohol makes you want to crawl into a freshly dug grave.
While coffee may sound like the perfect way to perk up your barren soul, caffeine is actually a diuretic and a Venti size coffee can end up increasing your current state of dehydration, which in turn will increase your current state of misery. Instead reach for one of the 20 half-drank water bottles sitting on your nightstand. If you are one of those
psychopaths people who “don’t like water”, you can also go for coconut water for a healthy source of electrolytes to rehydrate you after a night of dancing on tables and drunkenly petitioning MTV to bring back The Real World.
If you’re feeling nauseous, pretend to be British and pour yourself some fresh ginger tea. Your bad accent will amuse you and the ginger tea will rehydrate you and settle your stomach. Pedialyte is another great way to replenish your electrolyte levels and rehydrate, without consuming high amounts of sugar. Plus this way, the cashier at Target might think you have a sick baby at home, versus the look of shame when grabbing a sugar-packed sports drinks, like Gatorade, which screams hangover. So really it’s a win-win.
Breakfast Of Hungover Champions
You need food, especially if you dispelled your late-night snacks in the backseat of your Uber on the way home. Similar to hydrating yourself properly, being strategic with your breakfast can also aide in the hangover relief. So wander on over to your local greasy spoon, aka the Starbucks on the corner, and order yourself some egg bites. Eggs are rich in the amino acid cysteine, which your liver needs in order to break down the alcohol toxin acetaldehyde.
And what’s eggs without a little Sriracha? Channel your inner Beyoncé, and grab the hot sauce out of your bag. Eating something spicy can help you beat your hangover. There’s a compound in capsaicin, which is a key ingredient in most spicy foods, called substance P. Substance P contains anti-inflammatory properties, and is also used in chronic pain management, which is often how I refer to my hangovers.
First off, there is no shame in seeking relief from some classic over-the-counter meds. You hear, that douchey all-natural “my body is a temple” ex-boyfriend? Taking a pain reliever can help reduce the severity of your hangover, which in turn will make you appear less like a creature straight out of The Lord of the Rings. Even if you don’t have a headache, taking an ibuprofen can help. That’s because inflammation in your brain can cause a majority of classic hangover symptoms, like nausea, so taking an anti-inflammatory can help make your morning after all the more bearable.
However, not all pain relievers are created equal. Different medications are processed through different organs in the body. Acetaminophen (Tylenol) is broken down and metabolized almost entirely by your liver. Considering the reason that you are lying in a pool of pain and despair is because you put your liver through hell the night before, giving it more drugs to process is not the way to go. Your liver is stressed out enough, so be kind to your organs and opt for ibuprofen (Advil) instead, which is processed mainly through your kidneys. Your liver will thank you.
Get Up And Get Moving
Okay, I get it. You would rather accidentally like your ex’s new girlfriend’s 3-month-old Instagram post than crawl out of your blanket fort. But, doing light exercise, like walking to the fridge, strolling to the mailbox, or striking a warrior pose and then dubbing yourself a yogi guru, can help boost your body’s metabolism. Partaking in some basic movement gets your blood circulating at a faster rate than when you’re sitting. The faster you circulate blood through your liver, the faster your body will remove the toxins, thus the faster you’ll come back to life.
Okay, so go throw on your oversized pair of sunglasses and get your ass to brunch. Get up and get moving, order yourself a coconut water, some eggs benedict, and get the phone number of that super-hot waiter you’re staring at. Your body will bounce back just in time for you to go out and destroy your liver all over again! Doesn’t that sound like fun?
It’s a new year, don’t settle for the same hangover.
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy (4)
Oh boy. When we go out, we obviously go fucking hard. Like, what’s the point if you aren’t going to take shots, dance like an animal, and make irresponsible decisions? Unfortunately, when we DO go out and act completely like assholes for the evening, we feel even worse the next morning. In college we managed to avoid hangovers and drink 4-5 days in a row. Who knew we were basically superheroes? Nowadays, hangovers stop us from going hard more than like, 2-3 nights, tops—and even the mildest of hangovers requires a minimum of 48 hours recovery time. But what if I told you that there were specific DRINKS you could order that would get you fucked up BUT result in a not-so-bad or barely there hangover? The legends are true.
Number one on every list for avoiding hangovers is our good Russian friend, vodka. Because it’s about 40% alcohol mixed with water with very little else (like coloring, preservatives, etc.) mixed in, hangovers are less common when you’re knocking this shit back. So, yes, continue ordering those vodka sodas for the foreseeable future.
Because it’s low in extra stuff added in, gin is a great option if you’re a psychopath AND want to experience a headache-free morning. Mix with a little tonic and lime for a low-cal drink that can still pack a punch.
3. Clear Liquors
As we’ve concluded with our extensive evidence on gin and vodka, really any clear alcohol (NOT BROWN) will enable you to actually attend brunch the next day without vomming on the table. Methanol is found in brown liquors and it stays in your bod loooong after the spins have subsided, making your hangover fucking unbearable.
4. Skip Anything Carbonated
Champagne, Four Lokos (what are you, 17 years old?), and you Red Bull vodkas aren’t helping your next day struggle. Basically, anything carbonated increases your rate of alcohol absorption. Which, like, is awesome while you’re drinking, but not so awesome the next morning.
5. Light Beer
Yah, it kind of makes you look like a narc, but if you insist on drinking beer at the bar then stick with the light stuff. The same rule applies with beer as with liquor—the clearer or less dark it is, the less terrible your hangover shall be.
6. White Wine
If, for some reason, wine is your jam at the bar and you’ve been seen toting around a wine glass while fist pumping and grinding on strangers (we see you, Rihanna), keeping it to the white variety can at least help your hangover the next day (no word on your dignity). Red wine has histamines that can actually make people who experience allergies feel fucking horrible the next day.
So like, in conclusion, the less you use sugary drinks and mixers, the better. The more sugar something contains, the worse your hangover will be. Stick with mixing soda water, seltzer, or just going with straight on the rocks for sippin’. Also, whiskey and dark liquors are NOTORIOUS for horrible hangovers, so skip the Jack and Coke.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
It’s a given that there’s a huge difference in your alcohol tolerance and the severity of your hangover since you first started stealing from your parent’s liquor stash. As a teen, your liver was a champ, making you feel invincible the next morning. Fast forward to being 20-something, and you’re probs black out after like, one shot. The idea of opening your eyes the next day seems unthinkable unless you have an IV of water injected into your bloodstream. I wish this was an exaggeration but, I know this is def the story of your life because like, same. That fourth shot of Fireball always sounds like a phenom’ idea until you’re hating yourself after waking up next to cold pizza in last night’s outfit and forgetting every Snapchat you sent to your Tinder guy. What’s worse is rebelliously drinking on a weekday because karma is a bitch the next day, you still have to go to fucking work. Although you don’t have the capability and energy to do a full face of makeup when you’re hungover AF, there’s no way you’re leaving the house with it. Here’s how to look like a rockstar just by doing the bare minimum so you can
be appear like a functioning member of society.
Water, Advil, And Primer (In That Order)
In order to even get out of bed, you’re going to need to chug a shit ton of water because your brain needs it more than you rn. Pop a couple of Advils and let’s just focus on getting through the day without voming on everyone who crosses your path. Now that you’re standing in front of the mirror and trying not to make eye contact with your own reflection, you’re going to need to start with the Too Faced Hangover Replenishing Face Primer. Since Too Faced just gets us, this primer is literally made to repair our face from alcohol’s damage. Infused with coconut water, the primer will restore your skin’s shine and hydration so you don’t feel and look like paper mâché.
Use Under-Eye Concealer
You’re ready to begin looking like the upstanding citizen you are. It’s like we just know you or something because luckily, we’ve already compiled the best under-eye concealers that cost less than the organic salad you eat for lunch everyday. Pick your choice and use generously so you don’t look like you’ve aged 20 years overnight. Seriously, use it or you’ll probs look like this:
Rub A BB Cream All Over
We want to skip any powder-based makeup because you don’t want your skin to dry out more than it already has. The Diorskin Nude BB Creme is just what you need for minimal coverage that hydrates and covers any blemishes you got overnight since you def passed out with your makeup on (again). Find the shade that’s right for your skin tone, because discoloration is not cute, and apply to areas that need the most TLC. Blend with a liquid foundation brush instead of your finger to ensure your bullshit of a makeup job doesn’t look worse than what we started with.
Get A Contour Stick
To keep it quick and easy, lightly contour using the v convenient Wander Beauty On-The-Glow Bronzer and Illuminator. The nausea isn’t going to disappear right away but you can at least fix how pale you look. Assuming you know how to contour only because I don’t feel like explaining tbh, use the matte bronzer that’s best for your skin tone in the hollow of your cheekbones, on your forehead, and sides of your nose. This will restore some of your natural glow. Finish with the attached highlighter on the areas that always seem to get oily first—the center of your forehead, bridge of your nose, chin, and upper cheeks. Blend seamlessly using a beautyblender. Common sense, right? By this point, you should start looking like a person again.
Swipe Some Eyeshadow And Layer Up On Mascara
Hide last night’s smokey eye with just a tad of eyeshadow. Find a color that’s neutral or nude so that it comes off as natural-looking instead of clownlike. You’ll want to line your inner eye with the same color so you look ten times more awake than you really feel. Then layer on the best mascara ever, bareMinerals Flawless Definition Mascara, for long volumized lashes. Without mascara, none of this is really worth it, so apply as many coats as you need to feel functional.
Lastly, all you need is some chapstick and your fave nude lip gloss before heading out the door. Don’t forget to wear sunglasses all day, even inside is somewhat acceptable for obvious reasons, and everyone will know not to speak to you. This was fun, though so, while you telling yourself that you’re never drinking again, until next time this weekend, betch.
READ: The Best Workouts To Do If You’re Hungover
When you spend 80 percent of your weekends taking tequila shots and drunkenly begging some DJ to play “Despacito”, it would be kinda nice to spend the other 20 percent doing something productive like working out. We all know how hard it is to make it to the gym, and unless you’re some freak that doesn’t get hungover, we’re all pretty much dead by Sunday morning. After doing some research, we found out that working out with a hangover isn’t totally off limits, but certain types of exercise are better than others if you want to come out alive. Here are the best and worst workouts you can do when you literally need sunglasses to open the fridge.
The Best: Barre
If you wake up and you’re still wearing last night’s wedges, chances are you can barely move. Luckily for you, barre classes are one of the only types of fitness classes where you’ll actually get a good workout while basically staying stationary the whole time. Aside from pulsing your ass until your thighs shake and lifting two-pound weights while wondering when you got so weak, you’ll pretty much be holding onto the bar the entire time and avoiding any moves that might make you more nauseous than you already are.
A 10am spin class might sound like hell after a night out, but sweating out last night’s tequila is actually legit, and there’s no sweat like a spin class sweat. You’ll feel amazing after sweating out your alcohol and the endorphins might actually help cure your headache. Plus, unlike running, you’re not really bouncing up and down since cycling is mainly leg-focused, so you’re less likely to vomit on the person next to you. So that’s a plus.
Boxing is another cardio exercise that doesn’t really involve jumping around, which makes it ideal for a hungover Sunday workout. Workouts that include plyometric moves like burpees and box jumps might make you sick to your stomach, so boxing is a good way to sweat your ass off without seeing stars 10 minutes in. Also, you can pretend to be punching your Saturday night self for (once again) forgetting to drink water.
Pilates classes challenge your muscles in different ways than traditional strength or cardio workouts do, and you don’t have to kill yourself to get an effective workout out of it. Whether you’re taking a reformer class or a mat-based class, you’ll feel the burn in your legs, arms, and abs, and you don’t even have to listen to pounding music that could worsen your headache.
The Worst: Hot Yoga
A lot of people make the mistake of signing up for a yoga class when they’re hungover because it seems like a chiller workout than other classes. Although that could be true, it’s not the case with hot yoga. When you’re hungover, your body is already dehydrated AF, so doing downward dogs in a boiling hot room isn’t doing you any favors. My friend literally fainted one time during hot yoga because she was so hungover, and the room was so dark that nobody even noticed. Personally, I wouldn’t risk it. Unless you plan on chugging like, a gallon of water before and after and have a buddy who can monitor your vitals, stick to air conditioned workouts.
I mean, I don’t even wanna meet the psycho who would consider doing sprints with a hangover, but in case this applies to you, call it off. Now. Treadmill classes like Barry’s Bootcamp are hardcore and make you feel amazing when you have the energy, but with a hangover, you’ll just get dizzy and super nauseous. Aside from probably throwing up on the treadmill, you’ll just get a head rush from the loud music and flashing lights.
If you’re feeling at all queasy or lightheaded when you wake up, I would do your body a favor and skip your ab routine today. We have nothing against crunches and scissor kicks, but let’s not forget that your abs lie where your stomach is, so working the muscles in that area will only make you feel worse. Don’t say we didn’t warn you when all your blood rushes to your head while you’re holding a plank.
If you can’t remember how many shots you took last night or how many slices of pizza you ate when you were wasted at 3am, boot camp today is just a hard no. Boot camp classes usually involve intense full body moves like burpees, squat jumps, and other jumping movements that will literally make you hurl. And besides, who needs some jacked instructor yelling in your face to do 10 more lunges? I’d rather die. Thanks though.
Does bloating ruin you day, your evening, and your life in general? Do you often try to be a responsible adult and attempt to eat before binge drinking, only to find that your meal has sabotaged you into looking like a beached whale? Lucky for you, we’ve rounded up the top 7 foods to eat before you head out drinking to AVOID the muffin top spillover and bubbly stomach that results from a bloated belly, so you can still rock that deep-V onesie. HOWEVER, these foods are still substantial enough so you won’t end the night face-down in a stranger’s toilet. Anyone who’s ever tried to take shots after only eating salad for dinner can relate. We just saved your life. You’re welcome.
Blah blah blah drinking is bad and can deplete your body of vitamins. So have a piece of grilled or roasted salmon before heading out which will keep you fuller, help prevent a terrible hangover, and keep the bloat at bay.
The avocado, the fruit we associate most with worship, is a great choice to prevent not being able to button your pants. Since it’s full of healthy fats and digested more slowly than carbs, it’ll keep you full without adding inches. So, whip up some fucking guacamole and have at it with like, not chips … which will bloat you.
Full of protein like literally everything else on this list, whipping up an omelet is a legit choice for your night on the town. Eggs are also full of cysteine, which, according to the internet, is an amino acid that gives your liver a boost, which, obviously, you’re gonna need.
Kind of random, but munching on a piece of grilled chicken before seeing how many shots you can take will take longer to digest (keeping you full), is lean protein (keeping you skinny), and will help curb some of the hangover pain tomorrow. Just make sure we’re not dealing with breaded or fried chicken … that’d be silly.
5. Hummus With Cucumbers
It doesn’t get more basic bitch than this, but your skinny stomach will thank you. Hummus is chock full of vitamins and protein, which will keep you full i.e. when you’re blackout you won’t crave a burrito bowl quite as hard. The tahini in the hummus can also help prevent hangovers, so win. Why cucumbers? Because they’re literally full of water and are one of the best things to help you stay hydrated AND non-bloaty.
6. Very Specific Fruit Salad
So we need to be fucking specific on this one. Make yourself a fruit salad with kiwi, honeydew melon, and bananas. The bananas have potassium and will help prevent a hangover. The melon is a diuretic and helps flush excess water from your system while working to replace electrolytes. Lastly, the kiwi will help you shit (honestly yah) which always makes us feel skinnier.
7. Kefir Yogurt
If you’re in the mood for a parfait, use kefir yogurt as your base. It’s tangy, thinner than your typical Greek variety, and helps break down lactose which can cause bloating and stomach pain. Throw some nuts and honey on top and you’re ready to take shots.
It happens to the best of us. You get too lit on a Wednesday and then wake up on Thursday feeling like death. Unfortunately for those of us who are no longer in college (RIP social life), turning off your alarm and copying the notes later from that dude who is always staring at your ass is not an option. Nope. You have a job and responsibilites and bills to pay and a boss who gives a fuck if you show up and shit. You also can’t just roll up hot reeking of last night’s tequila and telling everyone who will listen about how you feel like you’re going to die. You have to find a way to appear as if you’re a fine, normal, human adult who totally did not black out mid-week just because her one funemployed friend told her a bout half priced shots. Basically, you have to lie. But no worries because, as they say, if Britney could get through 2003, you can get through anything. Even a hangover that feels like it may be moving from just regular sickness into imminent death. And sure, 90% of getting over a hangover is just staying hydrated, but when was the last time you remembered to do that? Ugh that just reminds me I haven’t had a glass of water in over six months. BRB…
Don’t you just hate when you wake up on a Friday morning after
ten three vodka sodas the night before, looking like the crypt keeper and having 20 minutes to get your shit together and get to work? This is my daily struggle. Tbh there are very few things in this world that I appreciate more than products that are designed to help me drink/make me look good while I’m drinking/cover up the fact that I have been drinking. But Too Faced is about to have a seat at The Plastics’ table because they’re set to release a beauty product that helps hide your hangovers. Not all heroes wear capes, people. The Hangover 3-in-1 Primer and Setting Spray (Jesus, that’s a mouth full) will be included in Too Faced’s fall beauty collection launching this June.
The fall collection will also feature, what else, more new additions to the Unicorn Tears franchise because apparently that trend will never die.
The goal of the Hangover spray is to revive your skin, leaving you fresh-faced and glowing. The ultra-fine mist is infused with hydrating coconut water and probiotics to keep your skin moisturized throughout all the shit you put it through. At its core the product is a priming mist that you can use before applying makeup, to set your finished look, or to just spritz it on if you want your face to spell like a piña colada. Because bonus: it smells like my spring break trip to Cabo minus the body shots and tequila.
I’m torn because on the one hand, Too Faced is supporting the unicorn trend enough so that they’re trying to make this still a thing come fall, which on principle I cannot stand by. But on the other hand, they’re actually saving lives with this hangover primer and setting spray. Who am I kidding, come June I’ll be in line with the rest of the basics because I’d rather buy a beauty product than, say, fix my
drinking social habits.
Hangovers and Netflix seem to go hand in hand. You sit, sweatpants loosened, body dehydrated, head pounding, and HEY you know what would go great with this and what you think will cure your raging hangover but will actually just prolong the inevitable? Our good friend, alcohol!
But what alcoholic adventure is the right one for you as you binge-watch The Crown, Gilmore Girls, or even Stranger Things? Here’s our totally definitive list of best alcohols to knock back while watching your fav Netflix shit.
1. Prosecco DOC + ‘Parks and Recreation’
You know we love some prosecco, and this sparkling wine produced exclusively in specific parts of Italy’s Veneto and Friuli regions pairs well with just about anything from popcorn to Pizza Hut, making it the perfect addition to your Netflix binge-fest. You know what else pairs well with just about anything? Parks and Recreation, my high-key favorite show of all time. It has it all: jokes, touching moments that will make you cry (hi, season 7), biting political commentary that used to make you crack up but is now too real so it will also make you cry. Prosecco and Rec is a winning combo.
2. Bloody Marys + Any True Crime Doc
I mean, the Netflix binge-fest probs starts early, so kicking off your hangover and your day of sitting in one place with a totally vegetable-inspired drink is a GRAND idea. Pair your bloody mary with any of Netflix’s (not actually bloody) true crime documentaries—our favorites include, but are not limited to: Who Took Johnny?, The Fear of 13, Imposter, Team Foxcatcher, or if you’re really into the “bloody” angle, go with a few episodes of Criminal Minds.
3. Mojitos + ‘Girlfriends’ Guide To Divorce’
If it’s getting warm out and you want to embrace spring without leaving the couch, a mojito is the way to go. Muddle some mint and sugar, throw in some white rum, and, bam—it’s like spring in a goddamn glass! While you pretend to embrace change, throw on Girlfriends’ Guide To Divorce, wherein a bunch of divorcées
fuck up their lives do the same. Plus, you can drink, like, a lot of mojitos and feel pretty good about it because like, hello, mint is an herb and therefore probably good for you. Similarly, you will feel pretty good that you are not one of these fictional fuckups. Everybody wins!
4. Masciarelli’s Villa Gemma Cerasuolo Rosé + ‘Love Actually’
This shit is romance in a glass. Rosé is obv one of our favs, and this deep cherry pink wine will add some extra flavor to your evening. While you romance yourselve with some rosé, cuddle up with Love Actually, your favorite romance movie. Try not to drunk text any fuckboys in the process.
5. Moscow Mule + ‘Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’
If your stomach is suffering the effects of your hangover, ginger is the answer. Lucky for us LOTS of drinks incorporate ginger. So, while you’re sitting and contemplating life while watching our favorite ginger, Kimmy Schmidt, sip on a Moscow Mule—heavy on the ginger beer.
6. Margaritas + ‘Narcos’
We’re simple betches, and margaritas with nachos are a godsend when you have the spins. I mean, is there anything better than that slightly salted rim and cold tequila with that citrus frrrrrreshness? No. So pop on an episode of Narcos and get going. A little insensitive? Perhaps, but at least you’re not in Mexico rn chanting “Build that wall!”
7. Mimosas + ‘The People v. O.J. Simpson’
Basic brunch is our jam, and we’re not ashamed. However, that hangover may keep you from heading to a breakfast laden with bacon and carbs. Of course, if you have a lil Champagne and a lil OJ, so pair that with a lil O.J.—by which I mean, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story. The juxtaposition of your light and breezy mimosa with the heaviness of this FX series is probably going to be weird, but the idea of it is fun for me.
8. John Daly + ‘Caddyshack’
If you haven’t heard of this, it’s okay, because you’ve already been drinking it. Half iced tea, half lemonade, and OOPS we put vodka in it. Is there a better sittin’ and sippin’ drink than iced tea OR lemonade? Um no. So this shit naturally makes the list. You’ve probably noticed that this is basically a spiked Arnold Palmer. Arnold Palmer (RIP) was a golfer, as you know, so since Happy Gilmore isn’t on Netflix—I just checked—we can substitute that for Caddy Shack.