Do you smell that? The slight scent of cinnamon in the air—which, by the way, is feeling much crisper? Fall is officially here, and for many people, that means things like pumpkin flavored coffee and wearing throw blankets as scarves. But for the girlies who colored their nails with black Sharpie in middle school and called themselves goth and haven’t updated their personality since, it’s the beginning of spooky season! There are plenty of ~terrifying~ activities to indulge in, like haunted houses and the like. But that’s all just so overdone. Prove you’re really about that life by tackling one of these truly harrowing tasks.
An Escape Room With Your Parents
Just picture it: You’re locked in some themed room, with a bunch of vague puzzles to solve and a time limit. If the ticking clock wasn’t stressful enough, you’ll also have to answer questions from the people who gave you life about if this activity fits in your (non-existent) budget and why you’re not dating anyone, all while your parents bicker because your dad thinks he knows best and your mom feels he never listens to her. Meanwhile, you know how to actually get you all out of the room, if only your parents would shut up and let you speak for two minutes. If your parents are natural puzzle-solvers, or simply well-adjusted people, then you can borrow mine for this exercise.
Sit Alone In A Dark Room
It’s like the original escape room, but the puzzles are just the intrusive thoughts you’re constantly trying to keep at bay. If you can handle sitting alone in a dark room with nothing else to keep you occupied, there’s probably nothing that scares you. In fact, I’m kind of scared of you.
Go On A Road Trip Without GPS
Sure, you could get lost in a corn maze, but that’s just so passé. Turn that lost-in-a-corn-maze feeling into an immersive experience, complete with real danger, by setting a destination and trying to get there without a GPS. That includes your phone, obviously. I think you can use this old document called a map to get around? Nothing spookier than trying to use outdated tech!
Make A Doctor’s Appointment
By yourself. Without your mom’s help or encouragement. Even scarier? You can’t rehearse what you’re going to say beforehand, either out loud or in your head. Good luck!
Try To Spell ‘Definitely’ Without Looking It Up
Since I gave you that one as a freebie, now try the place you go to to eat dinner cooked by a chef and brought to you by a server. You can’t do it, can you?
Express A Genuine Emotion
Laughter is not an emotion. Covering it up with self-deprecation doesn’t count! Nervously chuckling at the end of a vulnerable emotion doesn’t count, either. And I know what you’re thinking, and no, you can’t blame mercury retrograde. Or your recent alcohol consumption, sleep-deprivation, or menstrual cycle. You have to let people see the real, uninhibited, excuse-free you. I would honestly rather pay to go to one of those haunted houses where I have to sign a waiver that it’s legally fine if they kill me.
Images: Russell Ferrer / Unsplash
Hello to my gorgeous followers!
Well, as you know it’s been a long, cold, lonely winter and now that we’re all eligible for our vaccine, it’s time to PARTY PLAN!
You know I love a good party and I have been sorely deprived the last several months.
It’s true, my engagement fell apart during the pandemic, and it’s also true that I got a cute little puppy wuppy named Satchel to ease my sorrows. So, I was thinking, since y’all don’t know my sweet little snuggle lumpkins all that well yet, I decided I would throw a GENDER REVEAL!
Please feel free to like, share, retweet, stitch, duet, upvote, and tell your friends all my puppy party tricks. I’m really proud of how this one turned out.
I love a good gender reveal. I love them with balloons, and fireworks, and cake, and prizes, and betting, and wildfires.
Now you might be asking, isn’t gender a construct? OF COURSE. But don’t you wanna know who’s been a good boy or gurrrrrl? Plus, this is a doggo. Let the kitties be gender mewtral.
You might also be wondering if my pet is even gendered anymore, since you assume they’ve been fixed. Even a fixed dog can be feminine or masculine, y’all!
Also, before you ask, I knew I wanted to throw a gender reveal before I adopted Satchel, so I had the breeder write Satchel’s gender in a sealed envelope and I didn’t show it to anyone or take any peeks until giving it to my baker for the party.
The theme of this party is…drumroll please.
Spike or FiFi!
I also considered “Red Rocket or Polly Pocket” but I decided to make this a classy affair.
DRESS & DECOR: I went with a pink and black theme with spiked collars and leather for the boys and boy pets and pink tutus or fancy dress for the ladies. It has sorta an edgier Grease vibe. Like, sexier, but also cute. So we have leather-clad tables and tutu flower arrangements and penis balloons and pink pussy hats. I dressed my pupper in this really cute little number that I stayed up all night making that was like a tutu on the bottom with a leather harness thing and a spiked collar but with bows. See pic. Scroll for the PDF download of the pattern. It’s free for my Patreon members or $69.99.
DRINKS & SNACKS: I had spiked (get it) lemonade and pink bellinis. For the pets, I had pink and black water bowls. To eat, there were wieners in a blanket and handmade doggie cookies in the shape of bows and spikes. I’m not going to lie, the spikes just looked like dicks, but it worked, right? For the humans, there were also wieners in a blanket and tacos and clams for the girl tie-in.
ENTERTAINMENT: I came up with some fun games. We had a battle of the sexes girls vs. boys doggie race. We also gave prizes for best- and worst-dressed. Satchel won best-dressed, of course. For the main event, I designed a doggie-friendly cake made out of dry food mixed with wet food and I added in a little PB just to make the whole thing stick together, and filled it with pink or blue tinted banana cream. I had it topped with more banana cream and had the bakery write, “Spike or Fifi” on the top with a little picture of Satchel in the outfit I made. Scroll forever for the recipe.
Okay, so the party started off great. We had fantastic tunes, strong drinks, and good vibes all around. Then, one of the guests, this bratty little lab mutt my cousin rescued from the pound who, YES won worst-dressed, and whose name is inexplicably Fifi, even though I told her that was the theme of the party, got into the gender reveal cake and ate the whole thing before we could do the big reveal announcement.
My little Satchel was absolutely heartbroken and decided to poop all over the twister board in despair. The smell, plus, apparently the combo of hot dogs, clams, tacos, and champagne, set off a barf chain reaction among the hoomans. Once we had it all cleaned up and under control, Fifi decided to steal the spotlight YET AGAIN and poop out the entirety of the gender reveal cake. We sifted through the remains and it was all mostly brown but also maybe a little blue, so we decided to say that my sweet whittle Satchel is, in fact, a boyboy.
So, my advice, besides that you need to make sure you properly refrigerate the clams, is that you should stay away from bitches named Fifi. They will steal your cake and lose their sh*t.
KK love and light, my followers. Stay tuned for next week’s post: How to Cut Toxic People Out Of Your Life When You’re an Empath.
Acts of kindness in this world come too few and far between, which is why I was pleasantly taken aback by your immense generosity this afternoon. As our Zoom meeting came to a close, with the agenda points covered and attendees not knowing what else to do but fill the remaining time with side tangents, you ended the meeting two minutes early, announcing you were giving us all our time back.
First, let me just say how much I value those extra two minutes. There’s so much I could do with this newfound time, I’m almost overwhelmed at the options. It’s like I have a new lease on life! I could listen to about half a song. I could go pee—I probably need to go pee, my bladder has felt like it’s been pressing into my abdomen for the last hour of this meeting. I could briefly disappear into the abyss of my own thoughts. I could watch exactly two full-length TikToks. In fact, I may spend so much time trying to decide what to do with these newly discovered minutes that I end up getting nothing accomplished at all! Ah, the freedom of it.
Although, if I may just offer a bit of constructive criticism—a little role reversal, if you will. Where was this energy when setting up a touch-base for a touch-base? One for which I received no less than six different invites within a 10-minute span, the timing of the meeting shifting in 5-minute increments before I could begrudgingly hit “yes”? I probably spent a good one out of my two now-refunded minutes wrapping my head around, wait, what is the purpose of this meeting? and then digging through my inbox to locate the most up-to-date calendar invitation.
I won’t bother stating the obvious that this touch-base could have been an email chain, but will point out some areas in which I would have really enjoyed my time back more: the 10 minutes in the beginning of the meeting that was dedicated to small-talk (yes, I hope everyone’s doing well, I would love to hear about the trash can your dog got into some other time, preferably with alcohol involved); the 5 minutes Jennifer spent derailing the meeting to discuss her own work stress (please see a therapist); the 7.3 minutes after we all thought the meeting had successfully wrapped up, which Jennifer then spent throwing out her own ideas for the very iniatives we had just finalized (Jennifer, were you even listening?? We are past that!).
I’d be remiss to not consider the fact that your remark was simply a joke. If that’s the case, let me just say that it was the absolute funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my life, and your sense of humor is unparalleled. Have you ever thought of trying out for SNL? Yes, I seriously mean that! On a totally unrelated note, I’d like to chat about a raise…
But in all seriousness, two minutes are two minutes, and time is the one resource (aside from oil, natural gas, and nuclear energy) that we cannot get back once it’s been spent. So I simply have no choice but to say, from the bottom of my heart and my to-do list: thank you.
Now, I’m off to my next meeting. Crap, I really should have peed.
Forever Grateful Employee.
I finally got the first dose of the COVID vaccine. 10 traumatizing months and a 45-minute wait in line, and it came not a moment too soon. Everyone running the pop-up clinic was stressed, but (not to brag) getting the vaccine was the most relaxed I had felt in months. I felt like nothing could bother me again. I sat in the waiting area with a tinge of a sore arm as we were watched by the assistant director of nursing for exactly 15 minutes to make sure we didn’t go into anaphylactic shock (none of us did). Personally, I welcomed the opportunity to sit and wait. I’ll never complain about having to sit around again. After living through a pandemic, there are numerous things that I will never complain about again. I’ve compiled a short list:
Waiting For A Table At A Restaurant
As soon as safely possible, I am going to gather 8-10 of my loudest friends to jam ourselves into a restaurant and take up a few tables for multiple hours. We’ll have to wait a while for a table large enough to fit us will be available, but that’ll be fine because one of my friends will do something embarrassing like ask for a bread basket while we wait. We will be polite to the wait staff, of course, but we will be treating the restaurant as if we rented it out. The other patrons will hate us for our unintentional volume level. We’ll wait in the lobby, outside, at a store down the street and wait for them to text us — it doesn’t matter. Time is an illusion and we waited almost a year to go to the restaurant in the first place.
Wearing An Uncomfortable Outfit
I have been switching between scrubs and sweatpants all day every day. I am always in sneakers. My jean-wearing tolerance has diminished, and structured bras have become an archaic garment. I have never been so physically comfortable on a day-to-day basis, but at what cost?? Once I will be allowed to leave the house for non-essential reasons, I will be wearing stiletto heels every day. If my toes aren’t worn down to the bone by the end of my first week of freedom, I will know I haven’t done enough. I’m not just going to wear bras again; I’m going to lace up a tight-ass corset until my organs are rearranged. Slap on some leather-latex pants and we’re headed to the function!
Being Ignored By A Bartender
Maybe it’s just my social anxiety, but whenever I’m waiting at the bar, I feel like I am being watched by everyone else. Everyone waiting, that is. The bartender is usually 20 feet away and wouldn’t be able to hear me if I was screaming bloody murder. But that’s totally fine — my favorite song is playing and there is a mirror behind the bar that I can check myself out in until the bartender finally comes over to me. If they ever come over. It’s not like I’m dying to spend $30 on two drinks (not like I’m complaining about that either!).
Standing Behind A Tall Person At A Concert
Live music is something that I have been craving the most. There’s something that moves my soul when I hear the loud bass rattling my internal organs and I feel like the singer’s voice could lift me off the ground. I wish it would, actually, because apparently the only person who would be a first-round draft pick in the NBA is standing directly in front of me. Not to be a bitch, but why is this behemoth of a MAN at a KING PRINCESS CONCERT and why is he standing HERE?! Whew, calm down, deep breaths. It’s totally fine. I’ll close my eyes and let the music take me away. Far, far away from this person who is ruining everything. And yes, I will be posting this entire concert on my Insta story, tall person blocking the entire view of the stage or not.
Getting Smooshed In A Packed Subway
I love NYC. I miss it dearly. Everything about it. The smells, the sights, the rats, even the crowds. I miss being caught behind someone walking too slow while someone walking too fast is riding my ass. But I especially miss the defeated feeling of waiting so long for a subway, only for it to roll up with not a square inch of space in it. But with a positive outlook and no regard for others, I will plant myself right in the middle of the overflowing train with nothing to hold onto, so as soon as the train starts, I will be falling on someone. That’s just part of the city experience, baby! Drink it in!
Basically, whenever I’m out in public having a minor inconvenience, I’ll think to myself, “it could be worse. You could be curled up on the couch at home with nowhere to go and nothing to do.” Actually, that sounds pretty nice…
Images: Melanie Pongrantz / Unsplash
Now that the 45th president has been impeached (twice) and is officially on his way out of office, there’s a chance — after four years of half-assing a job she never wanted in the first place — Melania might make a break for it and get a divorce… especially if you consider the countless times she looked as if she’d rather be pricking herself with thorns in the Rose Garden than standing next to her own husband. For four years that have felt like entire lifetimes, we’ve watched her swat away his hand and look distressed after interacting with him. We’ve seen her overall body language change when they were together, with Twitter often responding: “Blink twice if you need help!” It’s possible their marriage could end when this administration does — even people in Vegas are betting on their split!
Here’s her imagined dating profile as she “explores” what else might be floating around in the dating pool for a former First Lady.
Tell us more about yourself in order to start finding love!
49 (40 without heavy eyeliner)
- Slovenia > New York City > D.C.
- Monogamously non-ethical
- Mom to one (1) tall son
- Open to something casual and serious. Like a pair of Gucci sweatpants.
- Not looking for a partner in crime. (Already had one of those.)
Honorary degree in (none of your) Business from Trump University
Former model, lady (first), cyberbullying expert, rose garden destroyer
I am fiscally bored and socially complicit. And moderately horny.
Notes on past relationships:
Just climbing out of a 15-year marriage where I was the man’s third wife. In America, they say, “third time’s the charm,” but there is a similar saying in Slovenia: trikrat je preveč, Melania, prosim, ne delaj tega, which means, “three times is too many, Melania, please don’t do this.”
My love language:
Gifts. Affirmation. People doing services for me. I can do without quality time and physical touch, per my last relationship.
Looking for someone who…
Doesn’t have the blood of Americans on his hands. Or anything on his hands. I’m a germaphobe and not much of a hand-holder, honestly.
I’m interested in those who…
Hate all the same things I do: the color orange, fast food, America, smiling, golf, Christmas.
I expect my partner to…
Always be best. Be best boyfriend. Be best caretaker. Be best quiet man.
Best place I’ve ever traveled to is…
My separate bedroom every night.
First thing people notice about me when I walk in a room…
“Why is Melania in this Applebee’s?” (I hate America, but I do love classic American things, like eating at chain restaurants and lying.)
On a typical Friday night, I am…
Working on my vision board, which is just covered in pictures of me and ads for meditation apps.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in the last year?
You’ll have to ask my body double.
What I love most about my friends is…
When they don’t secretly record me.
Fun facts about me:
I became a U.S. citizen in 2006. I regret it. I’ve had Covid. I miss my gold-plated toilet in New York City.
I am passionate about…
Children not being cyberbullied. (Adult bullying is fine.)
My favorite animal:
Anything I can wear.
I don’t care, do u?
My favorite book:
Stormy Daniels, Full Disclosure (audiobook), and any magazine with my picture in it.
My favorite song:
My favorite TV show:
90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way. (I dream of taking a nice, rich, boring American back to Slovenia and thriving.)
My ideal date:
Whatever day my ex signs all the paperwork.
Two truths and a lie:
I am six-feet tall. I love my ex’s children. I don’t know what “gaslighting” means. (Sorry, I thought it asked for all lies.)
You should message me if…
You would do something nice for me on my birthday instead of calling into Fox News to tell me happy birthday.
I am most proud of…
Being a fashion icon. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful clothes — I just start buying them. It’s like a magnet. Just buy. I don’t even wait. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can wear anything. Pussy-bow blouses. You can do anything.
A quote I live by is…
“When they go low, we go high. – Michelle Obama” — Melania Trump
Images: Evan El-Amin / Shutterstock.com
Sartre said that hell is other people, but he was wrong: hell is my own apartment. I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m going fucking insane. Being locked in my house 24/7 is NOT the vibe.
While being a prisoner in my own home is its own form of agony, there are other things irritating me as well. I’m talking about everyone on social media making coronavirus, social distancing, and self-quarantine all about them. Hmm, maybe we can just take a backseat on this one and NOT use the deadly pandemic as an excuse to further our own personal brands? No? Okay.
Behold, the seven types of people on social media in these quarantimes:
Being outside went from being an act of rebellion to social suicide pretty fast. Last month, you had plans to go sunning on an older man’s yacht. Back then, he’d be begging for you to ditch your friends and come out. Now, he’s afraid you’ll kill him. Ah, love in the time of Corona.
By now, we’re all educated on social distancing and the like. Nevertheless, there are still people who insist on just popping out for iced coffee. Blame the American love of freedom! No, you don’t have special permission to stop and gaze at the windows at Bergdorf’s just because it’s your Sunday tradition. And sadly, your hair and nails are going to have to look the way God intended them to. Yes, it f*cking sucks, but if we want to keep our summer vacation plans, this is what it will take!!!
Just a week ago you were planning a worldwide tour for $19.99. Finally, the internet has influenced you into staying home, which means that it’s now time for your big social distancing Instagram story: STOP being SELFISH and STAY THE F*CK HOME. Okay. Let me break it down for you, Joseph the social media assistant. Not everyone has some namby pamby millennial marketing job that lets them sit at home rearranging Powerpoint slides while nibbling on Trader Joe’s shumai. I know it’s a crazy idea, but many people would lose their jobs if they were to stop going to work. Hard to imagine. Moreover, many of these people are the ones working at the stores that are still open so you monsters can buy enough toilet paper to last for a non-covid-infected lifetime.
Also, your preachy IG story is a little superfluous. In case you haven’t noticed, everyone’s already at f*cking home. Instead of yelling at people, maybe link to a fundraiser for medical supplies or something. Or, just be thankful that you have a flexible employer. *Eye roll*
The One With The Platform
What I really don’t have time for is people sneaking their own personal agenda into what should be a purely scientific discussion. PETA, for instance, pointed out that Coronavirus is an anagram of the word “carnivorous.” This point was ridiculed by everyone, vegans included. Also unnecessary is the implication that COVID-19 is nature’s retaliation against humanity. Please, we all know that coronavirus can be traced back to when Meghan and Harry left the royal family. Let’s please tackle one world issue at a time, starting with how everyone’s on TikTok now. Like…what is up with that??
The Coronavirus Influencers
Now is not the time to try Instagram Live. In fact, it is never the time to try Instagram Live. Just because we are your captive audience, it does not give you the right to torture us. No need to document every lived moment of the quarantine experience or to demonstrate your newfound appreciation for poetry, gardening, cooking, etc. Also, unless you have a med school degree we don’t know about, might be best to leave the medical advice to the professionals. I slept with a doctor in college. Here’s how we stop COVID-19. And stop saying quarantini.
If your house has a pool you’re not quarantining, you’re vacationing. Sorry I don’t make the rules.
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 29, 2020
Guys, those of you who are young and don’t have underlying conditions probably aren’t afraid to go out. But this isn’t about you. It’s about me. Me and my parents’ massive vacation house. If you’re going to flee to a glorious family estate and post a picture of your pool with the caption “not a bad place to self-quarantine <3” just know that’s how you f*cking sound. It’s fabulous, but I hate you and I take solace in knowing that your portfolio is bleeding out.
In case you weren’t aware, the economy is not doing so peachy right now. A lot of people are losing their jobs. Amidst all this economic turmoil, fitness influencers have risen as our new overlords. This is because Miss Rona has forced gyms to shut down, leaving us all high and dry right before swimsuit season. Yes everyone, I’m trying to flatten the curve AND my waistline.
Enter the fitness influencers. All of a sudden, every hot person with over 10,000 followers is an online fitness guru offering their customized take on a home workout. You know what? I don’t give a damn. I’m not doing it. I’ll go on a run outside and maybe do some push-ups, but I’m not about to sit here and do preacher curls with a Trader Joe’s bag filled with my old college textbooks—although this would be the most my college education has done for me.
There’s a lot of pressure to be productive and “make the most of your quarantine” and I’m over it. You should be taking up yoga, you should be learning a new language, blah blah. I just saw someone’s blog post about how to use this time to decorate your house for Easter. Ma’am, I am just trying to SURVIVE until Easter.
The problem with these posts is twofold. First of all, you rich bitches, most people don’t have all this free time. They’re still working. Second of all, nobody wants to hear it. This quarantine has me in a constant state of irritation and/or depression, and I’ll cope as I see fit. Sure as hell won’t be by taking a virtual yoga class, I’ll tell you that much.
Ultimately, being locked in your house for weeks on end fucking sucks—but let’s not forget that in all of this, we are the lucky ones. With this in mind, we encourage you to look into local charities and look for specific ways you can help. The Betches Good Influence Fund for Corona Relief connects our community to groups fighting on the front lines of an unprecedented crisis, and you can get more information and donate here.
Images: ImYanis / Shutterstock
I don’t know about you all, but the only thing keeping me in relatively good spirits these past few days has been the high quality of memes being churned out on the internet. It might have something to do with the fact that this is one of those rare times when the entire word is experiencing the same thing at the same time, and there is a tremendous amount of solidarity online. But apart from providing a much-needed distraction from the news, these memes serve a more crucial role in maintaining our sanity than we might realize. (Take that, every parent who’s ever said creating memes is not a real job.)
Is a symptom of corona virus having thick luscious juicy ass cheeks cos I’m scared guys
— chris (@Chrissyinglis) March 16, 2020
Laughter has been considered an effective form of therapy for years, and we’ve all heard sayings like “laughter is the best medicine.” But how does this work exactly? I spoke with Ugur Üngör, a professor of Holocaust and Genocide Studies and someone who has studied the functions of humor during and after genocide, to get to the bottom of why humor really can help people cope with dark times.
“The key objectives of humor in a crisis involving death(s) are criticism, community, and coping. The latter is very important for people to get through a crisis. Ask anyone who’s been through a war or genocide and they’ll confirm that a certain friend with a good sense of humor is what kept them alive at times,” said Professor Üngör. Now, the coronavirus is no World War, technically speaking, but the lasting socioeconomic damage this pandemic has caused on a global scale is already being compared to the recession of World War II.
1920: Alcohol is prohibited
2020: Liquor stores are an essential business during a national health crisis
— RubMor (@QBruby) March 28, 2020
Also similar to a war is the grim fact that thousands of people across the globe are dying. So is it really okay to make jokes about the virus that is killing so many people? I spoke with Dr. Thomas Ford, Editor In Chief of the International Journal of Humor Research about the benefits of using humor in stressful situations. He conducted an experiment in which participants completed a role-play exercise in which they imagined they were about to take a stressful, difficult SAT-like math test. Participants in the first condition read four cartoons and four jokes that poked fun at math tests and math in general. Participants in the second situation saw cartoons that poked fun at their own math ability. And finally, participants in the last group did not read any jokes or cartoons while anticipating taking the math test. They found that participants whose cartoons poked fun at the math test reported lower feelings of anxiety compared to participants in the other two conditions.
These findings suggest that engaging in not just any humor, but humor that trivializes the immediate stressor, is particularly effective at mitigating the negative effects of that stressor on anxiety. This is perhaps the reason why social media is flooded with memes that explicitly talk about coronavirus, as opposed to shying away from joking about the virus directly.
“I think it’s very healthy to joke about the coronavirus,” said Dr. Ford. “Stressful events such as the coronavirus can adversely affect our mental health, producing anxiety and depression. Humor invites us to reframe those stressors playfully and non-seriously, providing a way for us to see them as less threatening and scary, which consequently mitigates, at least momentarily, the experience of emotional distress.”
HOW TO AVOID CORONAVIRUS‼️
– Don’t let them in
– Don’t let them see
– Be the good girl you always have to be
– Don’t feel
– Put on a show
– Make one wrong move and everyone will know
— eca (@WlDOWBYTE) March 16, 2020
At first, I was surprised, even annoyed to see the amount of Coronavirus content that was there online. But eventually, I started feeling solace knowing that other people were also feeling the same way. And with no end in sight, the uncertainty of the situation adds to our anxieties, leading to the creation of some truly entertaining content that is bound to stay for a long time. So don’t delete that COVID-19 meme folder on your phone—it’s called documenting history for future generations, look it up.
Images: Charles Deluvio / Unsplash; @WlDOWBYTE, @QBruby, @Chrissyinglis / Twitter
Quarantining for coronavirus affects all of us differently. I mean, there really isn’t a wrong way to handle being in quarantine, as long as you’re actually quarantining and staying home! For some people, this is their total dream to stay at home and cancel all plans and not go to work. Others are going stir crazy with anxiety and obsessively checking the news. But whoever you are in this pandemic, let’s hope you’re staying the f*ck home so that we can get this over with. Remember, the sooner we can social distance and get this under control, the sooner we can go back to playing outside like real people. Don’t f*ck it up for all of us. Here are the types of people in quarantine:
Look, we get it, germs are all around us and are trying to murder us, particularly now. You go ahead and have fun Lysoling your shoes, Cloroxing the door handle, and making your Postmates delivery driver follow a complicated set of directions so that you don’t come into contact when they drop off your food. Just make sure you’re not hoarding the Purell, okay?
For a lot of people, this is the first time they’ve actually stayed home and cooked a meal in years. But now that all socializing is dead, we have nothing but time to learn how to be gourmet chefs via YouTube. Cooking is a great skill to learn under quarantine, however, please politely remember that no one cares. We don’t care about your meal prep, grocery list, or how you cook your very basic meal of choosing. Keep it to yourself. You don’t win an award because you’re not Postmates-ing McDonald’s every night, and anybody can throw a pasta dish together.
I’m sorry, but no, if you’re being this positive about quarantine, you are being the worst. This is not a gift. This f*cking sucks, people are dying, but congratulations on using your time efficiently. If yoga, crystals, and knitting are keeping you off the edge in these highly anxious times, then fine, but please shut the f*ck up about it.
I am this image and I don’t even mind. What’s the point of showering? What’s the point of plucking your eyebrows? No one is around to see you, except maybe your dog or roommates. Why bother getting dressed or brushing the Cheetos dust off your shirt? Plus, you can’t get your roots done, your mustache waxed, or your eyebrows or nails done anyway so things are going to be rough for a while no matter what you do. Enjoy this time. (But try to at least take a shower.)
With the gyms closing, fitness nuts everywhere are losing their sh*t. This is a particularly trying time for those of us in tiny city apartments (hi!). From trying to figure out how the f*ck we’ll get our 10,000 steps in a 500-square-foot apartment to using things around the house to keep our lifting schedule, gym goers everywhere are getting pretty crafty. So go ahead, squat your couch. sprint up and down your tiny hallway, annoy the sh*t out of your downstairs neighbors, because when we finally are allowed out again, everyone is going to be sooo jealous of your abs.
Actually though, what are you people who bought out all the toilet paper doing with it all now? You just have like, 10 years worth of toilet paper stored in your garage? Are you making TP forts? You’re all assholes for hoarding so much and making everyone freak out. DO NOT be that guy.
Congratulations if you’re actually getting work done while working from home! But like, if this Zoom meeting could have been an email, I don’t blame you for secretly watching Netflix with the subtitles on instead. Do whatever you’ve got to do to survive. You’ll look back on these times fondly when you’re inevitably trapped in your tiny cubicle for the rest of your life.
Which quarantine type are you? How are you staying sane? What’s the best/worst parts of quarantine? Let me know in the comments, I’m desperate for any kind of entertainment or human interaction.
Images: Holly Hammond; Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash