It’s Thursday which means it’s practically the weekend and it’s now socially acceptable to
show up to work hungover start living my best life at happy hour. Praise. Tbh just because drinking two five glasses of wine on a Tuesday is frowned upon by my mother, boss, and very uptight roommate does not mean that I don’t regularly partake in such activities, but sometimes it’s nice to pretend I follow social constructs. Lol. That said, it’s Thursday, which means I also look like I’ve spent the last three days stress eating in a windowless room, which is accurate but also not cute. Though if there’s anything I know how to do in this world it’s how to hide the face/body/hair I was born with and transform myself into a human who gets 80-100 likes on her Instagram selfies. Dream big, kids.
But summer is an extra challenging season for my transformation process because the weather is constant sabotage. It’s the only season where I can go from
sad and depressed work appropriate to living my best life happy hour hoe to swamp monster in, like, less time than it takes me to down my first drink. So pretty fucking fast.
^^Actual footage of me seconds after leaving work.
Constant. Sabotage. I, mean, some people might be worth melting for, but not at fucking happy hour. And because I love wasting my money on material possessions, I’ve spent enough on beauty products to know which ones will literally save my life selfies during this oppressive heat. So here are 5 beauty products that will take your summer look from day to night without melting off your face:
Nothing says I’m down to make out in 3-4 drinks like colored eyeliner. Adding a pop of color to your eyes says you’re edgy, fun, and willing to
make out with a stranger take risks. We recommend using the Maybelline Eyestudio Waterproof Eye Pencil as it’s long lasting and should survive a night out even with you (v important). There’s also a ton of different colors to choose from so you can match your mood swings with your eye makeup.
From the hours of 8AM to 3PM my foundation is
on point doing it’s damn job and hiding the face my mother gave me, but by the time 6 o’clock rolls around my face is as dull as Carol in HR. I’m legit obsessed with the Milk Makeup Sunshine Skin Tint as it’s key to restoring my skin to it’s natural completely manufactured dewy state. Plus the foundation is buildable so if you end up getting into some wild shit tonight, just add a little extra in the morning to erase the evidence, similar to how you would erase drunk texts to your ex the next morning. If you can’t see it, it wasn’t ever there.
Any time you’re trying to take your look from day to night, a bold lip color is key to making that transformation happen. Upgrade your nude lip to a darker, more vibrant shade for happy hour purposes. Normally, I’d recommend a vampy lip color because fucking duh, but in the spirit of the summer season, I guess I’ll act a little less dead inside and recommend Kat Von D Everlasting Liquid Lipstick in Deep Raspberry or Warm Rose. Both colors are still edgy AF but more in-keeping with the season. Plus this shit can outlast the human tornado that is you at a happy hour, including all your drinks and your
secret blatantly obvious make-out session with the hot intern.
I’m obsessed with this product in particular because it does the the job of two products in one. I guess there is a God and she’s been watching my Snapchat stories. I suggest using the color Sway because it makes your skin look glowy AF and also looks amazing as a smokey shadow on your lids. This should always be included in your day to night beauty regimen as it can take your look from ready to present at the department meeting to ready to get ratchet at a wine bar.
5. Neutrogena Shine Control Blotting Sheets
You should always keep blotting paper in your purse no matter the season but you should especially have some during the summer. I use this shit liberally. Like, every time I go to the bathroom and am horrified by my reflection. So, often. Try Neutrogena’s Shine Control Blotting Sheets as it absorbs oil and gives your skin a clean, matte finish so you won’t look like the greasy pizza you ate for lunch. It’s the perfect way to fool your colleagues, Instagram followers, and that one guy you drunk Snapchat on the reg that at all times you have the skin of a delicate flower and not the wrapper of a McDonald’s sandwich.
Day drinking and going out at night are two activities that betches excel at compared to most, but even we’ll admit that doing both within the same 24 hour period is a daunting task. You start out the day with a few mimosas, maybe some wine and it feels all too natural with your hearty breakfast of ¼ of a scooped out bagel. The day is full of possibility, and by 4 P.M. you’re wasted and invincible. “We’re definitely making it out tonight!” says the entire group as everyone plots possible options, only to start falling apart within mere minutes. If you truly want to be one of the few still standing by the end of the night, you need to follow our advice:
Decide Early On That You’re Going Out, And Never Look Back.
In order for all of this to work, the golden rule is to commit to the fact that you’re embarking on a twelve-hour drinking bender and never question it at any point in time. Especially as the day goes on and your liver hates you more and more, you can’t so much as entertain the idea that staying in is an option, which is the immediate gateway to face-planting into your bed.
Stay Consistently Drunk.
This is difficult, but another essential for transitioning from day into nighttime drinking. The problem is that if you get too drunk before 5 P.M., you severely up the chances of getting sent home (unless you make the rare and impressive blackout comeback which will earn you literal cheers from anyone who’s crossed your path). On the other hand, if you get too sober at any point, you’ll start to get hungover, and TBH that’s significantly worse. Maintaining a mid-level buzz is the only way to make it through.
Don’t Nap, Or Even Sit Down For Too Long.
Despite your vodka-induced enthusiasm and desire for a “quick, twenty-minute power nap” in the middle of the day, we all know where that road ends. It’s you waking up at 4 A.M. covered in Cheetos and wondering what year it is, with 72 missed iMessages from everyone else having a blast at the club. Avoid this easy trap, because you know full well that once your eyes close they are not opening for a v v v long time.
If You Have To Go Home, Bring Friends With You. And Not Boring ones.
While we are banning naps on this list, we do understand that you may need to go home throughout the day, i.e. to change your outfit, pregame, etc. That’s acceptable as long as you’re accompanied by friends who will prevent you from napping (see above). It’s also extremely important that you don’t include any downers at this stage who will plant the seed of calling it quits at that point and potentially drag you down with them.
Eat, But Like Not That Much.
If you’re going to maintain a steady intake of alcohol for the entire time you’re awake, you should probs incorporate some solids into that mix as well. That being said, eating an entire pizza is going to take a lot out of you physically, emotionally and spiritually, and it will be very hard to bounce back from that.
Have Fun Fucking Plans.
This one cannot be understated. A lame house party or even a bar with too many fugly people isn’t going to sustain you for five minutes after a solid afternoon of dartying, nor should it. Don’t be afraid to change locations until you find a solid venue, since that will also prevent you from sinking into the nearest chair/ couch/ floor. Like this whole endeavor, it’s all about endurance and ignoring multiple red flags from your body in the name of a good time, which we truly believe you are all capable of.
Uranus is in town. LOL don’t say that out loud. But that’s basically like when Black Chyna hangs out with The Kardashians, you just know things are going to get a little crazy. Like, it really isn’t good for anyone, yet, we’ll all survive. Since we’re half-way through summer, think of this week as the downhill slide back to reality. You better make the most of it while you have time, right?
So things don’t necessarily start out so smoothly for you this week. On Monday, you’ll suffer from major foot in mouth disorder. You’ll either run your mouth to the wrong person, or say something out loud that you meant to keep in your head. Oh well. All that drama blows over relatively quickly as things are on the mend by Tuesday. Wednesday things are totally back to normal and your most productive day of the week. Don’t worry if your July kind of seems like a wash, August already looks to be way more fun and carefree. You’re welcome.
So most signs are kind of thrown off balance because of the position of Uranus. OK, Uranus jokes will never not be funny. Anyway! Your shit gets the most fucked up because of this stupid planet. Monday through Thursday are looking a little rough. You’re more likely to send an email or text to the wrong person. Maybe hold off on the sexy Snapchats to that special someone until Friday. You’ll probz also be more clumsy and ditzy. Just like, maybe don’t wear white in case you spill your iced coffee all over yourself while driving. Good luck, betch.
Check your bank account like everyday this week. Sure, you usually avoid that at all costs so you can’t see how little money you have, but this week you need to watch where ever dollar is going. There’s a big expense in your near-ish future so if you can cut down on expenses right now, that’d be great. If you have sneaky subscriptions slowly making you poor, or you’re just paying out the ass for a service you don’t use, you need to call and cancel that shit this week. Your future self will be richer and thank you for it.
This week, you’ll feel like you’re going fucking crazy. Like, it’ll seem like every person you know is asking you to make snap decisions. There will be surprises, and you’ll probably just feel generally flustered and restless. The best thing to do is just slow it the fuck down. Don’t fucking pack your schedule to the brim just to fight your FOMO. Take at least a day this week or weekend to just be chill and have nothing on your plate. Start emptying your DVR pregnant with back episodes of Scandal or catch up on The Bachelorette or some shit. You don’t need to be at every party ever. Just calm your tits, k?
You probably have one of those weird feelings like something is out of place or something bad is going to happen. There’s just some unpredictable energy surrounding your sign right now. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be a paranoid freak, but you can stay on your toes for anyone or anything that seems sketch AF. Wednesday is the best day for you to start planning for the weekend if you want everything to go super smoothly.
You’ve slowly been building resentment for someone you interact with frequently. If you don’t watch it this week, that resentment will explode in a not-so-pretty way. You’re more likely to make a biting comment or just be a general bitch to this person at the beginning of the week, so just avoid whomever it is like the plague. Resist the temptation to get caught up in a super emotional response to things. You’ll feel less testy by Wednesday. Hopefully, the only salt you have by then is on the rim of your margarita.
This is a tricky week for you and people who have some authority over you. Like, don’t try to rock the boat with your parents or bosses. I mean, it’s always probably best to avoid conflict with people who give you money, but especially this week. If you find yourself getting worked up, resort back to the charm and diplomacy Libras are known for. You have the ability to work through your problems, that all just depends on how you respond to the bullshit that comes your way. So just like your mom said to you as you got out of the car to go to third grade: “Make good choices!”
This is the week you might want to take a big break from the socials. You’re more likely to get worked up about politics, religion or something else you have strong feelings about. A poorly thought-out tweet has ruined more careers than cocaine. Ok, I’m not totally sure that’s true, but remember that your internet life can follow you into your real life and really mess up your shit. If you feel like you need to argue with aunt Carole about Donald Trump again, maybe just don’t.
Uranus is creating surprises for most signs this week. (Still funny!) OK, third grade humor aside, be on the lookout for the unexpected. In fact, you should expect the unexpected this week and be prepared for it. You might get blindsided by someone you thought you were close to. You might have big plans fall through. Shit happens, ya know? If you need some good favor with someone, your best day to earn that will be Tuesday. Other than that, I’d say: Trust no bitch.
A big cloud is looming over your closest relationships this week. Be prepared for a storm as conflicts will be nearly impossible to avoid all week long. This influence will be strongest on Monday and Thursday, so if you can avoid all your problems on those two days, everything will probably turn out fine. If not, just be prepared for whatever you’ve been feeling in your heart of hearts to come to fruition. Need to cut it off with a toxic friend? You might as well rip the bandaid off this week. Not feeling it with your current significant other? Cut that cord too. You’ll have plenty of opportunity to turn things around, i.e. fire up Bumble, next week.
As a freedom and justice lover, acts of injustice you see around you this week will really grind your gears. You’ll feel more of an urge to act defiant toward those you see as “The Man”. Your defiance to the status quo has been applauded in the past, but this week, with everyone on edge, it might not be so well received. In order to not get too worked up and shit, take your mind off things with longer lunch breaks with your friends. Accept party invitation and be willing to have a heart-to-heart with a friend who really might need it. Get back on your soapbox next week, tiger.
This might not be your best trait, but you really need to work on your patience this week. If you’re thinking, “I AM fucking patient!” Then, guess what, you’re probably not. Sorry. It usually doesn’t affect you too much, but this week, in order to avoid MAJOR conflict, you probably need to give yourself a little 1-2-3-4-5 count before responding to some bullshit. You’re more likely to enter total shark mode and bite someone’s head off if you’re not careful. Likewise, try not to overreact to plans changing this week. Pisces tend to get a little emotional when things don’t go their way, so if someone cancels on your or it rains on your parade, just make different plans and don’t take it so fucking personally.
READ: Your Zodiac Moon Sign Is The Key To Understanding Your Poor Life Choices