Is It Weird To Be A Twentysomething Who’s Never Been In A Relationship?

Must. Find. Boyfriend. As soon as I graduated from college, it seemed like every girl whose sole priorities were once partying and getting hungover bagels with her friends suddenly had one totally different priority, and one priority only: finding a boyfriend. Girls all around me (and some guys, but mostly girls in my experience) were running around demanding answers and screaming “WHERE IS HE?!?!?” with the passion of Teresa Guidice as she flipped the table on Danielle Staub. It’s like everyone in my life was one bad date away from a Tinsley Mortimer circus breakdown (fast-forward to 3:50), since we’re already talking about the Housewives.

Anyway. The more emphasis those girls placed on finding a boyfriend, the more girls who didn’t and hadn’t had serious relationships got down on themselves. I felt like many of my friends were questioning WTF was wrong with them for not having had a serious relationship yet. I was always the hype woman behind them exclaiming, “You’re only 25, you just haven’t met the right guy yet!”. But soon enough, even I—who has had countless three-month flings in my twenties but nothing super serious—started to get down on myself. Was I the problem? My narcissism was wearing off, and in its place seeped realistic, down-to-earth thoughts about potentially maybe starting to think about… looking inward. 

So, Is It Weird?

My first step in cracking the super obvious solution of not dating f*ckboys anymore was speaking with Lindsey Metselaar, host of the millennial dating podcast We Met At Acme, to get her opinion. Her first thought on the general topic of not having had a serious boyfriend by your mid-twenties was, “it’s less that it’s weird and more that it’s a reflection on your choices and overall maturity.” Totally fair. Like, ohhh, I should STOP going for the guys that still text “thx” instead of the grueling “thanks”? That might be a start. 

This post isn’t about me, though. We want to help you pinpoint if not having a serious relationship yet should be of concern to you. So, if the following situations/behaviors sound familiar, then yes, perhaps it is weird and perhaps you are the problem. Read up, buttercup. Yes, it is weird if:

No One Tries To Set You Up

If there’s a deafening silence every time you hint at being set up with your friends’ hot (or maybe even mediocre-looking, since you’re desperate) brother? Then yeah, people are clear on the fact that you repel love interests. 

You’re Constantly Getting Broken Up With For The Same Reason

If more than once you’ve heard that you’re too needy, or that you’re too high-maintenance, or that you’re too more than once—maybe it’s time to change that! “It will never hurt to do some introspective work,” shares Lindsey. “You can always learn something about yourself.” So even if you are totally perfect, as most betches think they are, take that time to look inward, and see how you feel!

You’re Sloppy

“Drinking too much, smoking too much weed—it’s excessive, and can definitely do damage,” says Lindsey. If you’re still that f*cked up girl that needs babysitting, then the only guys you’ll attract are either super controlling guys à la Joe Goldberg from ‘You’, or sociopathic frat boys. How charming! 

You Have A ‘Type’

“It’s helpful to notice your patterns in relationships, especially while in therapy,” explains Lindsey. “Recognize those negative patterns, stop having a type, and be more open-minded to people you weren’t open to in the past.” Is going for clearly emotionally unavailable guys a negative pattern? Asking for a friend. 

“Accept the love you deserve,” says Lindsey, while also remarking that she knows it’s corny. It’s so true though! “If you are someone who continues to date the same person and keeps making the same mistakes, you can’t trust yourself,” she explains. Makes sense. 

You Have Bad Habits

“People don’t want to face that their bad habits can affect their personal relationships,” explains Lindsey. Quite frankly, we all have bad habits, so I think it’s more about meeting the person that you’re willing to change those habits for. Like, we’re all addicted to our phones, so it’s about caring enough to put the damn thing down. Though I wonder how much practice that takes. 

Tips For Moving Forward

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Okay, so you’ve looked inward. As have I! Luckily, Lindsey also shared some reassuring tips on how to approach relationships moving forward, even if you’ve already pushed absolutely everyone away! I kid, but we can all benefit from a little advice. 

“Go into dating with no expectations,” says Lindsey.

Me: Yeah, I’m not really putting too much thought into this date, whatever happens, happens, no expectations, just totally chill.
Also me: I will pass away if this date does not go well. 

“Every time you meet someone that you think could be special, be sure to protect yourself. Don’t make assumptions that it’ll turn into anything, or else you’ll have all of your eggs in one basket which can lead to getting hurt,” explains Lindsey. “I’ve seen so many people try to force things with someone who’s not ready to sacrifice for them and, you know, wants to sleep at their own apartment every night.” 

As someone who has a thorough 10-step skincare routine, sleeping out is never particularly exciting for me. This really made me realize, you have to do things you might not want to do to be in a relationship, even if it means enlarged pores! *Crying but also growing up* 

“If you’re ready for a relationship, you’ll be willing to compromise,” explains Lindsey. With that, I end this investigation!

Image: @pablomerchanm /Unsplash, Giphy (3); uuppod / Instagram

The Worst Real Housewives Taglines Of All Time

Everyone knows the best part of a new season of Real Housewives is hearing all of their ridiculous taglines. Some of them are actually really good, (ahem, all of Lisa Vanderpump’s) but most of them are cringeworthy, the same sort of thing over and over, or straight-up embarrassing. Like, how many of them say something along the lines of “I live in this city, it is my city” (I mean, no sh*t) or, “I have a family that is important”? However, the bland ones cancel each other out, and I went on a mission to find some of the worst taglines of all time. Please add ones you despise in the comments. There were so many good/bad ones that it was tough to choose!

Erika Girardi, Beverly Hills, Season 6

What the actual f*ck is this? It means literally nothing. I think she’s supposed to be referencing this World War II speech from Winston Churchill, saying Russia’s actions are “a riddle wrapped in mystery inside an enigma”. First of all, that is wordy, but it at least makes sense. But for a Housewives tagline, this is a weird thing to draw inspo from, to put it mildly. I will give Erika this: she is definitely an enigma. But in more of a what-drugs-is-this-woman-taking way. (Honestly, the same could be said of many of the Housewives.)

Jo De La Rosa, Orange County, Season 1

Oh my God, does Orange County have some of the worst Housewives taglines, especially from Season 1! I almost did Kimberly Bryant’s, where she says “85% of women in OC have breast implants”, but I’m from there, and that is unfortunately true. I call it the OC Special to get the same boobs and nose as everyone else, because they all go to the same three surgeons, so it’s like attack of the clones. It’s a creepy place. Anyway, speaking of creepy, I went with Jo’s, because this tagline is so creepy, with or without context. Considering Slimeball Slade was holding Jo hostage during their relationship, all I can think is, he’s keeping you where, his basement? Thankfully, Jo peaced the f*ck out of that one, and in a fun karmic twist, Slade is now broke and is Gretchen Rossi’s bitch.

Melissa Gorga, New Jersey, Season 8

Okay, so this is supposed to be a pun because her clothing store is named Envy. But like, Mel, do you know the meaning of the word envy? That’s just… not how it works. You cannot envy yourself. The fact that I even have to explain this to you tells me that you did not have a clear grasp on the definition of this word when you decided to dedicate your professional life to it. I find this VERY ANNOYING.

Alexis Bellino, Orange County, Season 6

Oh, Jesus Jugs herself. All of her taglines were creepy, but this one is the worst by far. Like, first of all, your body is plastic. Also, your “king” was a creep who left you. Also, it is soooooooooooooo creepy to use God and a sexual innuendo in the same breath. Please stop. I also really hate super religious people who are like, “God can do no wrong, but let me cut up my whole body and fill it with silicone bags because it wasn’t good enough.” (Again, I bring you Orange County.)

Joyce Giraud, Beverly Hills, Season 4

This one is just f*cking yikes all around. Has Joyce heard of eating disorders? It doesn’t help that I already hated, *HATED* her, but how asinine can you be? Especially in LA, where people are always trying to get thinner in unhealthy ways (disorders, surgery, drugs), like maybe have a teeny bit of social awareness? I feel like the producers would definitely not let this one slide in 2019. Also, “you can never be too young”? Like yes, you can, just ask R. Kelly.

Kristen Taekman, New York City, Season 6

Why are so many of the worst Housewives taglines from season 6? It’s just a dark time if you make that far in a show, I guess? (CC: Vanderpump Rules.This is actually what I would consider THE WORST TAGLINE OF ALL TIME. I mean, wow, what a time for feminism with this moron walking around. Even more concerning, she has a daughter. I could not believe when I heard this. Especially because Kristen says it in like a whiny, weird way. Like, “but I’m PREEEEEEEETTTTYYYY”, like she’s talking to a small child who has had part of their brain removed. Or maybe like she is the small child with part of her brain removed. But she’s preeeeeeettttty.

Images: NBCU; Giphy (6)

This Advice On ‘How To Find A Husband’ From A 1958 Women’s Magazine Is Wild

Thanksgiving—or, as I like to call it: Dinner in Hell—is nearly upon us, which means soon not only will you have to pretend to like your mother’s gluten-free stuffing, but you’ll also have to put up with the black cloud that descends upon your family dinner table once a year in the form of your nosiest and most racist relatives. Gotta love the holidays! There’s nothing quite like trying to shove a second slice of pie down your throat while also having to explain to Aunt Sally that, yes, you’re still single and getting ghosted by a guy who works at Radio Shack thriving. Luckily for you betches, I may have found a way for you to come armed to the emotional waterboarding party with some crazy material to f*ck with your Aunt Sally and any other relative who likes to hold the rolls hostage until you divulge your five year plan. And it comes in the form of 1950s dating advice.

Yes, 1950s dating advice. You see, the other day I was messing around on the internet and avoiding answering any emails that would require me to actually do something to earn my paycheck, when a friend sent me the most hilarious and batsh*t article I’ve seen in awhile (shout-out to @ Sweetest Betch You’ll Ever Meet for always coming through with the best internet trash!). Apparently, a woman randomly found a women’s magazine from 1958 with a cover story on “129 Ways To Find A Husband.” The 1950s dating advice ranges anywhere from “mildly frowned upon” to “I’m calling the goddamn police,” so naturally all 129 pieces of wild advice was posted onto the internet for the public to judge and ridicule. I encourage everyone to read the article in its entirety because it’s absolute GOLD, but since I don’t have all day to sit here and individually mock every piece of advice, I’m just going to list my favorites, mmkay? 

“Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers.”

I know this seems aggressive to start out with, but this was literally #6 on the list. NUMBER SIX!! I don’t know what’s more suspicious: that ladies back in the day were showing up to other women’s funerals dressed like they’re about to sock hop right over their competition’s dead bodies to sleep with their newly singly husbands, OR that there were enough funerals happening for this to be commonplace advice. Either way, I’m disturbed afraid to ask my grandma.

“Dropping the handkerchief still works.”

Here I was thinking Elle Woods was ahead of her time, when really betches have been perfecting the bend and snap since 1958. I prefer to emotionally masturbate over texts my ex sent me at 3am instead of using dating ploys that might physically and emotionally put myself out there, but, hey, to each their own.

“Wear a Band-Aid. People always ask what happened.”

Lol clearly the person who wrote this has never spent any time with the New York subway system. I’ve literally seen people sitting in their own feces ride from Bushwick to Midtown without a single person asking them “are you okay” or even “do you need me to call you an ambulance,” let alone actually hitting on them. I’m just saying.

“Don’t room with a girl who is a sad sack and let her pull you down to her level.”

First of all, I am the sad sack in the group and I find that statement personally offensive. I may or may not have earned the nickname “Moaning Myrtle” from my friends because instead of blacking out and taking home a hot stranger, I prefer to black out and request the DJ play “Wrecking Ball” while weeping into my vodka cran. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A FUN TIME, OKAY.

“Go to all reunions of your high school or college class. There may be widowers there.”

Jesus. Again with the widowers. Though, if we’re being honest, this does feel like the most relatable piece of advice. Not the widower thing, but the part about the reunion being a good place to make a romantic connection get laid. But instead of trying to bang the hot widower, it’s more like you’re trying to bang the hot boyfriend of the girl who told you gold hoops were her thing

“Don’t be afraid to associate with more attractive girls; they might have some leftovers!”

Okay, wow. Reading this doesn’t at all make me want shove my head in an oven. I guess the people behind this list are trying to say that attractive people will be able to set you up with guys?? Lol. I don’t have one friend, attractive or otherwise, who has set me up with anything less than 2018’s Quasimodo. PLEASE.

“If he’s rich, tell him you like his money—the honesty will intrigue him!”

This is assuming that you can find a single, attractive guy whose net worth amounts to more than a six pack of Bud Light. Considering the last eligible man I encountered was the human equivalent of a crumpled bag of Doritos, I’m not optimistic that those men are even real. BUT assuming you can find one, then Venmo yourself $1,500 when you’re putting your number in his phone. Just to show him you’re serious!

And, finally, my personal favorite….

“Stand in the corner and cry softly. Chances are good that he’ll come over to find out what’s wrong.”

Funnily enough, this is actually my strategy for dating state of being after 1am, and I can’t say that it’s gotten me anything other than a wide f*cking berth from the male gender. Except from the bouncers who like to come over and tell me I’m “killing the vibe.”

So there you have it, Aunt Sally. I’ll be doing my part this year by crying in the corner more often. Now, can you do your part and stop tagging me in Facebook posts about when you should give up and freeze your eggs? Thx.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4)

These Are Dorinda Medley’s Thoughts On Hillary Clinton

Sami and Alise discuss the Facebook/Cambridge Analytica situation, Zuckerberg’s non-apology, and debut their new blackout campaign. They also break down Putin’s election “win” and do a roundup of Trump’s legal troubles (both Russian and non-Russian). Finally, Alise debuts her new beret and the girls interview Real Housewife and personal friend of Hillary Clinton, Dorinda Medley.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Meghan King Edmonds Wants Vicki Gunvalson Fired From ‘RHOC’

A couple weeks ago, we broke the earth shattering news that Vicki Gunvalson, the OG from the OC, was reportedly getting fired from Real Housewives of Orange County because 1) she’s not friends with anyone on the show anymore, and it’s weird just watching her be alone in her kitchen, and 2) she pitched a fit about not sitting next to Andy at a WWHL taping, and the peeps at Bravo weren’t fucking having it. Lol, it’s the little things, people. Well, there hasn’t been an official announcement yet, and don’t expect one, because the season isn’t over, and Bravo doesn’t make cast change announcements until after the last reunion has aired. The rules of housewife firing are simple and finite; every Bravo girl would know. But we have something better than a boring PC official statement. Meghan King Edmonds, Vicki’s fellow OC wife, has come out saying she hopes Vicki actually gets fired. Oh fuck, shit’s about to get serious.

Zoolander Walk Off

In a recent interview, Meghan was talking the standard housewife shit about Vicki and said how Vicki never liked her and was always “nasty” to her from the get-go, yada yada yada. But then, in a petty af turn, said, ‘‘’You’re out!’ If only I could say that… ‘Vicki, you are out. Bye! No more lies. See ya!’” Was she joking? I mean, probs. But most of the time when I joke around, I actually fucking mean it. Or else I wouldn’t have thought it in the first place. Obviously.

Housewives You Should Know

Normally, this kind of thing would just die down, maybe get a salty response from Vicki on Radar Online, nothing maj. But Vicki and Meghan have been subtweeting the shit out of each other—actually, scratch that. They’re mentioning each other by name, so they’re full-out beefing on Twitter.

Meghan King Edmonds And Vicki Gunvalson

Meghan King Edmonds and Vicki Gunvalson

Now things might actually get interesting, because they’re filming the reunion today. Something I’m truly thrilled about, just FYI. And you can bet your betchy ass that Andy will bring this shit up to try and stir the pot to create some form of drama on this otherwise boring af season. Get the popcorn and rosé ready.

Thriller MJ

Read: Vicki Gunvalson Is Reportedly Getting Fired From ‘RHOC’
 
Images: Bravo; Vicki Gunvalson / Twitter; Giphy (3)
Ramona’s Ponytail Is The Most Interesting Thing To Happen On ‘RHONY’ This Season

The beginning of this week’s Real Housewives of New York City episode is kind of like Mean Girls in the sense that Carole sees a little spark of coolness in Tinsley and tries to take her under her wing. Except, the difference is that Cady Heron had a great natural hair color and Tinsley’s only committed relationship is with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide. (Disclaimer, I’m not judging her for that at all. I don’t even know what my natural hair color is.)

Sonja’s live-in boyfriend, Frenchie aka Edgar, flies back to France. He claims he has like, shit to do or whatever, but I think he’s just annoyed that she keeps going to the bathroom with the door open.

Tinsley is still looking for an apartment, which is kind of shocking to me. If you’ve ever looked for an apartment, you’ve probably had a moment where you were like “wow, this would be so much easier if I was rich.” For some reason, Tinsley, who is rich, needs multiple episodes to find an apartment to rent. Like, come on.

Eye Roll

Tinsley: $9,000 is a lot of money. But I have a job. And also some family money, so I can afford it.

“Some” family money? Like how Donald Trump’s dad gave him a “small” loan? Fuck outta here.

She looks at two apartments with her realtor BFF and her mom. One’s downtown and one is in her comfort zone, aka the Upper East Side. She’s also still agonizing over whether she could ever possibly move downtown, as if someone’s asking her to move to like, Nebraska. God forbid someone ask this bitch to move to Brooklyn. I’d pay to see that honestly.

Over at Carole’s cat crypt, her ripped-up couch is apparently developing into a storyline. It’s literally a 60-year-old couch and she’s looking to get it fixed. I’m so bored I could die. Anyway, fixing the sofa that her cats literally attacked isn’t the only change that Carole has made in her apartment. She forced her boyfriend, Adam, to move out and she’s like, totally loving life now.

Carole: It may seem bitchy to say I’m glad that Adam moved out… but, I am.

Adam comes over to go through his stuff with Carole to make sure everyone’s shit is in its proper place, and it’s pretty much the most bizarre thing ever. They’re literally trying to make decisions over crystals and buddha heads. Every time I picture someone moving out of a significant other’s home, I picture a cardboard box with CDs and sweatpants. I know nobody buys CDs anymore, but like… blame Gotye.

Gotye

Oh, wait… they’re still together and very much in love. Yeah, I don’t get it, either.

Next, the shiny looking dude from Million Dollar Listing New York shows up to bitch at Bethenny.

Million Dollar Listing

She’s trying to sell her apartment, which he thinks is too fratty because it has a $40,000 bar.

Bethenny: You’re a real bitch-ass.

Then, Sonja goes on a date with Rocco (her Italian boyfriend) in Hoboken, New Jersey of all places. He literally shuts down a restaurant just for the two of them, and Sonja accidentally corners herself into a conversation about cheating. In case you haven’t been keeping up, she’s dating two guys, so she probably should steer clear of the subject.

Sonja: I’m between a Rocco and a hard place.

Anyway, after basically word vomiting for a few minutes, Sonja finally owns up and tells Rocco that she took home a “complete stranger from Paris.” Rocco kind of just like, gets over it and starts talking about that time he and Sonja “kissed on the lips.” Why are old people so fucking weird? Is it just the people on this show? Or does everyone start saying stuff like “kissing on the lips” when they get old? I’m not ready.

Dorinda and Carole go to the Women’s March in Washington which is probably the most empowering and positive moment any Real Housewives franchise has ever had. Everyone was chanting “We need a leader, not a creeper tweeter!” It was definitely an awesome moment in history. We also said the same thing in the New York march, and I for one am amazed at the organization of this event that even the chants were consistent across the country. Anyway.

Womens March

Back in New York, Ramona is having a cocktail party to show off her new apartment. She also is rocking a ridiculous ponytail that every single person who walks in the door has to say something about.

Ramona: I’m showing off a new, modern, edgy apartment, so i’m going to have a look that matches. Edgy!!

Dorinda makes an entrance that’s basically comparable to Snooki showing up to the Jersey Shore house for the first time, and I think that she’s actually slowly becoming my favorite housewife.

Dorinda: Ramona, look at this look! It’s very severe. I’m not sure what to think of it.

Ramona Singer

Okay, yup. Dorinda might actually be my favorite.

Because Ramona can’t do anything without pissing at least three people off, she invited Harry. In case you have better things to do than keep track of the love triangles of the Real Housewives of New York City (how dare you!), he’s a dude that used to date Sonja and Luann. Carole thinks that Tinsley is probably the next to bang Harry, but Tins isn’t down, and it’s probably because he’s over the age of 25.

Luann’s still living on her own planet and thinks everyone is totally thrilled about her newfound marital bliss, when in reality, they’re just keeping their mouths shut and waiting for a disaster.

Luann: I’m so glad everyone’s happy for me.

Eye roll, eye roll, eye roll.

Of course, Bethenny’s not at the party, although she was invited. Ramona’s pretty excited that she got an RSVP from Bethenny, even though it was a no. She’s literally still talking about their falling out and I’m so over it. So is Dorinda, who basically tells her to blame it on the alcohol.

Dorinda: Take it from a pro! I use alcohol as an excuse ALL. THE. TIME.

Okay, confirmed. She’s my current fav.

The episode has a super boring ending, which is pretty much just everyone realizing that Ramona is a shit starter and her party is basically a cesspool of people who once dated. But like, isn’t every party they go to?

Bethenny Frankel Has Become A Dud

This week’s RHONY was all about politics, which is annoying AF because I’m pretty sure that the whole point of ridiculous reality TV is to distract us from real life.  Like, November was more depressing than My Dog Skip, so why tf are we reliving this shit? Once was bad enough. Can we just watch Sonja self-implode please? That’s what we’re here for, Andy.

Carole, who is wearing a jacket that could only have been made from the corpse of Sully from Monsters Inc., is very, very hopeful that Trump will not win. #IfOnly.

Real Housewives Of NY

She says, “Men like Trump are a dime a dozen in New York,” so like, maybe she should start going to some different clubs or something, because never in my 25 years on this planet have I ever met a fuckboy so fuckboyish that he just grabs my vagina and tells me his dick is YUGE (in all caps of course) all while wearing a toupee blowing in the wind. Anyone? Bueller? Maybe I’m just #blessed. Idk.

Ramona is planning to celebrate her 60th birthday for an entire month, because of course she is. She keeps saying “I never knew turning this age I would look so good and feel so good,” as she’s getting an entire layer of her face lasered off. I mean, whatever works. I’ll give it to her, she’s totally right when she says that she has more energy than women half her age, because she makes me look like I’m been on a Xanax bender for the past week. Has anyone ever seen her blink?

Ramona Singer

Carole tells her mom that she wants to introduce her to Adam because she’s “shacking up” with him. Aren’t they like in a committed relationship with pets and shit? Or does being however old Carole is mean you have to introduce your parents to your casual hookups? Because if so, I’m out.

Next, we see Sonja on a date with Rocco, the one of her two boyfriends she’s not sleeping with. Rocco starts talking about Sonja’s recent vacation to France that he totally stalked on Instagram, and Sonja responds like a legendary betch.

Rocco: You looked like you were having fun over there.
Sonja: I was.

 

Side note, this show has kind of turned into a bunch of old people talking about social media outside of social media, but I still love it.

Sonja always seems to be getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to dating, but I literally live for her descriptions of her relationships. “I’m sleeping with Frenchie and I am not sleeping with Rocco. There’s guys you sleep with and there’s guys you marry.” Clearly, she’s got this all figured out. And good thing Rocco is like, 100, and probs goes to bed at 7, because I’d be fucking pissed if the person I was dating was also dating someone else and I was the one not getting laid. Smh.

Then, Dorinda and Luann hang out in like, a men’s clothing store or something. IDK, to be honest I totally glazed over this part because now that the meat of the Tom drama is mostly over, Luann’s screen time kind of feels like a good time to go get a snack chug half my fifth of vodka. Luann’s life is definitely headed downhill now that she’s losing her title, which is perfectly symbolized by her cracked iPhone screen. Like, figure it out, Lu.

Get Your Shit Together

Finally, Election Day happens and Carole’s excited to not have to yell at the TV anymore. Oh, honey, if only you knew how wrong you are.

It took like, half an hour for Bethenny to show up to the show, which is total bullshit. Everyone knows B carries this franchise on her skinny back and I will not accept this kind of programming. Anyway, she’s hanging out with some new friends who she describes as follows:

“They’re smart, they’re nice, it’s not going to be a shit show.” —Everyone’s famous last words before the whole squad turns into a shit show.

Yo, B. This isn’t C-SPANN. Bring your trashy friends. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!

Bethenny and her lame-ass drama-free group of new friends all head to Carole’s election night party, which was basically as sad to see as all those viral stories about children’s birthday parties that nobody attends or old people who get stood up on dates (never forget Sad Papaw).

Carole tells her mom she’s gonna go day drink once she hears the election results. Honestly, regardless of your political beliefs, daging is always a good idea. Instead, Carole has to go watch Ramona try on birthday dresses. Honestly if one of my friends made me cancel my day drinking plans so I could watch them step in and out of a dressing room, that would be the end of the friendship for me.

And For That Reason I'm Out

When Ramona looked at herself in the mirror after trying on a freakum dress, she literally looked like she just gained the ability to see. Tbh, this whole scene is like with Samantha Jones tries on that sequin dress in the SATC movie and the store lady reads her for filth and asks “isn’t that a little young?” I mean, come on Ramona. Don’t be a try-hard.

Carole almost totally ruins Ramona’s surprise party by literally talking about her birthday and saying “I thought it was a surprise.” Thankfully, Ramona was too busy talking about her sex life and Vegas, so she probs missed it. Ramona talking about her sex life is kind of like vegans talking about being vegan: She literally has to bring it up every 15 minutes or she dies.

Tinsley got dressed into a nude and white floral flower girl dress for a little black dress party, which would never be an issue if she was a true betch because she would just be wearing all black anyway.

Dorinda’s like, freaking out because Ramona might not show up to her own birthday party because she has a date. Ramona always makes two sets of plans because remember, she has soooo much energy for a 60-year-old. Just fucking ask her. Usually I’m pissed if I have even one set of plans so this is super bizarre to me.

I Like Sweatpants And Staying Home

Sonja is pissed that Harry (the guy who proposed to her but cheated on her, if you’re having a tough time keeping up) is there because the rest of the cast apparently can’t find any other people to hang out with in Manhattan. This is essentially the rich white people’s version of why Kristen and Jax are still part of the Vanderpump Rules crew.

Sonja says, “Harry’s like the itch I cannot scratch.” To which I say, umm maybe you should get that checked out Sonja? That sounds nasty.

Ramona decides to invite her date to the party, but she can’t remember his name (same tho). Is she turning 60 or 100? “George!! His name is George!!” Like she was literally more surprised to learn her date’s first name than to show up to a surprise party. Maybe she was blacked out. Whatever. She basically ignores him the entire night, which is also me.

Tinsley and Sonja are butting blonde spray-tanned heads because Tinsley isn’t waiting on Sonja hand and foot. Honestly, I love the way Sonja sees the world. It’s basically like Regina George in a few decades. What an inspiration.

Everyone thinks Bethenny should have done a drive-by to the party, which she didn’t attend because she’s pissed at Ramona for starting shit about naked pictures (isn’t that like off limits? I feel like Ramona’s probably minutes away from a nude photo scandal at the rate she’s been talking about her own tits recent). Selfishly, I wish Bethenny went too because it would have been more dramatic, but in the words of Lena Dunham, it’s liberating to say no to shit you hate, so I’m with Bethenny on this one.

It's Liberating To Say No To Shit You Hate

Ramona literally has to ask Sonja if they’re in a good place, further proving that she doesn’t remember anything ever so that guy Gail—Gabe? Greg?—shouldn’t take it personally. Ramona really doesn’t want to talk about Bethenny, which is funny, because she keeps bringing up Bethenny.

Ramona: I don’t wanna talk about Bethenny.

Also Ramona: I just think it’s funny how…

Sonja’s obviously team B, but lets Ramona babble on because she’s nuts.

Lastly, they decide that Ramona’s birthday is a momentous occasion, even though they’re not sure if that’s a word and decide to Google it the next day. I just googled it for them and they’re all set. HBD Ramona.