I don’t know about you, but this heat wave is seriously fucking me up. After spending all winter becoming one with my couch, I was really ready for another four months on my couch to get back out there this summer. Instead, I’m finding myself yearning for the days when lying under a blanket didn’t feel like entering a sweat lodge. SO: even though we all get a pass on going outside this week, summer should be your most social season—and dating is no exception. Sunlight makes people happy, happy hours make people drunk, and drunk, happy people have more fun on dates. It’s basic math. Of course, not all summer dates are created equal. So while you’re fielding texts from Hinge matches, keep in mind that many invitations are still worth ignoring. Here’s what these date locations say about your date’s intentions.
Their Local Coffee Shop
In non-summer months, this has potential to be a fine option if you’re on antibiotics. It’s easy to cut short, requires minimal dressing up, and is overall a low-cost alternative to meeting for drinks. And going to the guy’s usual local spot can give you a sense of his overall vibe, though the implication that he’s hoping you’ll go home with him obviously stands.
During the summer though, this invite is all kinds of sus. If they’re trying to meet you at 2pm on a Saturday down the block from their apartment, they likely haven’t left their apartment in six weeks and will be rolling out of bed, wiping Cheeto crumbs off their shirt, and contemplating cancelling five times before they finally walk down the block. Oh, and they’ll probably try to steer the “date” back to their place to continue whatever TV show they were binging within 30 minutes of meeting you. With all the outdoor options and day-drinking venues summer has to offer, if the best they can do is a non-alcoholic beverage in their zip code, they either don’t give a shit about this date at all, have no social life to speak of, or both.
Picnic In The Park
Whether or not this is a red flag is kind of subjective. If you’re a fan of watching ants climb all over your food while dodging Frisbees, enjoy! (Yeah I hate picnics. Sue me.) The plus side of a picnic invitation is that it’s (meant to be) romantic, so the person who suggests this is definitely making an effort. The downside is that they require a ton of work to pull off effectively. So in Scenario A, your date shows up with a small suitcase worth of supplies (coolers, something to sit on so you don’t get grass stains, etc). While sweet, it also makes it painfully evident how much effort they put in and could be a turn-off early on. It also makes it impossible to continue the date afterward because they’re carrying around 10 pounds of picnic supplies.
In Scenario B, your date brings two 99 cent cans of Arizona iced teas and nothing else, you’re both covered in sweat and grass stains within 10 minutes, he gets embarrassed and tries to act like you’re too high maintenance to cover up that he planned a shitty-ass date. Ultimately, inviting you to a picnic means they’ve thought about this date way too much (and have probably done this exact date with their ex) or way too little. You can appreciate the gesture, but I do not recommend going on this date.
^The last time someone actually enjoyed a picnic.
Rooftop Bar With Their Friends
This is also kind of a mixed bag, but for different reasons. If they invite you to this a few days in advance, it’s ideal. It likely resembles the weekend plans you would have made for yourself anyway, and it means they want you to meet their friends. Win-win. If they invite you to this while they’re already there, it’s a very different story. This means they got drunk and horny, and are too awkward to actually meet someone at the bar full of equally drunk singles. Instead, they started going through their phone and messaging their last week of matches. While the commitment to not meeting people is admirable, you’re better than this. Being available on-demand for whenever they’re done with the social part of their night and just want to get laid is never a good look.*
*If you’ve been on a few dates already, this could be a cute “had a few drinks and started thinking about you” type text. But keep an eye on whether they actually introduce you to their friends when you show up, or if they just try to hustle you home.
Weeknight Dinner Reservation
Like the coffee date, this is normal/fine other parts of the year. But IMO, scheduling an 8pm dinner on a Wednesday is a little formal for a summer date. Has he never heard of happy hour? And is he just expecting you to waste prime drinking hours just to exchange information about your siblings and hometowns over cloth napkins? This date option implies that they’re highly traditional, operate by a strict schedule, and are probably not that much fun. This holds especially true if the restaurant they choose also offers a happy hour menu and they purposely choose not to do it. Who hurt you????
Their House In The Hamptons
This date is the easiest to decode. If they invite you to their house in the Hamptons, MARRY THEM. Seriously. Lock that shit down before the next heat wave rolls through.
Ultimately, dating in the summer is easier than dating in the winter. But because we can’t have nice things, that doesn’t mean some red flags don’t apply. Summer is the time to be your most fun self, taking advantage of long summer nights and half-off drinks. If their best self doesn’t crave margaritas after 12pm from June-September, think carefully whether this is someone you’re interested in dating. And maybe give your number to the people you see out at your favorite summer bars instead. At least you know they have good taste.
Images: Giphy (5); Jelleke Vanooteghem / Unsplash
Let’s just come right out and admit it. What we know about soccer can be summed up with “David Beckham”. And if you thought 2018 couldn’t get any worse with Trump, it turns out the U.S. has to face the worldwide humiliation of not making it into this year’s World Cup competition for the first time since 1986. The U.S. women’s national team, on the other hand, has three World Cup titles under its belt—though they are paid a lot less, but that’s a conversation for another time. On a lighter note, the World Cup gives us the opportunity to search for the next generation of soccer hotties. And a convenient side-effect is that you can sound like you know what you’re talking about while traveling abroad or impressing guys who are into soccer (and obnoxiously call it “football” even though they studied abroad one time in Barcelona for three months, six years ago). Here’s a cheat sheet of the hottest players in the 2018 World Cup to get you started.
Olivier Giroud, France
Giroud is the striker for the French National team. He has modeled just as much as he has played soccer. Giroud has been featured on the covers of Tetu and GQ, and the 6’4” 27-year-old endorses Hugo Boss and Puma. Oui oui, j’aime Olivier.
Smile ❤???? #teamgiroud #teamfangiroud #teamchelsea #familygiroud #oliviergiroud #chelseafc #chelsea #coupedumonde #victoires #giroud #OG9 #OG18 #lebest #france #equipedefrance #perfectman #bettersmile #equipedefrance #chelseateam #foot #football #teamedf #teamfoot #worldcup #follow4follow #ogpower #ogfamily #instafootball #instafoot
Gerard Pique, Spain
So what if he’s married to Shakira…
Asmir Begovic, Bosnia and Herzegovina
We couldn’t locate Bosnia or Herzegovina on a map if our lives depended on it, but now we have a valid reason to do some research. Begovic is a 6’6” 28-year-old goalkeeper playing for the Bosnian National Team. On top of being gorgeous, he can speak four languages: English, French, Bosnian, and German. If that isn’t sexy, I don’t know what is.
Mats Hummels, Germany
Basically, the best thing that’s come out of Germany since beer.
Yaya Touré, Ivory Coast
Yaya Touré is a midfielder and devoted captain for the Ivory Coast National team, exemplified by his impressive build. He recently led the Ivory Coast National Team to victory in the 2015 African Cup of Nations. He’s extremely humble and charitable, shown by his major involvement in many philanthropic organizations in West Africa.
James Rodriguez, Colombia
Rodriguez is a 24-year-old striker for the Colombian National team. In the 2014 World Cup, he emerged as the top scorer of the entire South American continent. One of his goals was even awarded the best goal of the entire tournament. Rodriguez is a family man who’s been married since 2010 (sighs) and endorses Adidas and Rexona, among other brands.
Sergio Ramos, Spain
Sergio Ramos represents the Spain National Team in the World Cup. He is the proud captain of Real Madrid FC. His devotion to his career has resulted in a faultless six-pack, which I believe we can all agree to be a positive side effect.
Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal
This guy needs no introduction at all. If you don’t know who Cristiano Ronaldo is, you just may have been living under a rock. His dedication to his performance has resulted in his beautiful physique, and Ronaldo has been topping lists of sexiest soccer players since day one.
Images: oliviergiroud_love, 3gerardpique, asmirbegovicfans, aussenrist15, yayatoureofficial, jamesrodriguez10, sergioramos, cristiano / Instagram
It’s starting to get warm again, y’all, and you know what that means. It’s time to start having sex outdoors. If you’re rolling your eyes and picturing sand in unmentionable places, bear with me. There are plenty of places to have sex outside that do not involve the ocean’s toilet (aka the beach). Obviously, you’ll want to start spending some time outdoors now, because you probably forget what the sun looks like. But I for one am not particularly interested in dragging all the outside dirt/sweat I pick up day drinking in Williamsburg home to my only slightly food-stained freshly pressed sheets. And you shouldn’t be either. Stop wasting the lovely spring weather with boring indoor sex. Here’s where you should be hooking up instead.
I want to be very clear here that I have never had sex on a boat. I am irritated with myself for even suggesting a boat, because I’m now in a tailspin of sadness about the fact that I’ve never acquired access to a personal boat, and probably never will. Boat-wise, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Also, if there are motion-sickness concerns when banging in a boat, I don’t know about them. All that is to say, proceed with caution.
Anyway, a boat seems like the ideal place to have outdoor sex in so many ways. (Specifically, a sturdy boat capable of fitting 5-10 people comfortably.) You’re on the water, which is key for Titanic role play, and also privacy. Also, literally everyone feels sexier and more alive while out in the ocean, so you have that going for you. And since boats are basically a condo for the ocean, you get all the comfort/cleanliness of indoors while being able to multi-task sex with perfecting your tan.
Be more like Rihanna. Have sex on boats.
Poolside, oceanside, I don’t care. The important thing is that there’s a nearby body of water. This will both make you feel summer-y and tropical, and the aforementioned nearby body of water should serve as a nice cool-down after. There should also be some level of seclusion/a mattress. Ideally, you’d pull a Kristen/James on Vanderpump Rules and find a private poolside, or just wait until 4am. If it isn’t clear yet, I’m not one of those savages who enjoys the “thrill of being caught.” I used to burst into tears if my teachers called on me—you can’t reverse that type of shy.
Important disclaimer: If you’re staying at a large resort (especially one with a family-friendly vibe), please don’t do this. Having sex in one of the 65 cabanas lining the pool will only end with a soundtrack of screaming children, and probably two new additions to the sex offender registry. At that point, you’re better off just pitching a tent on the beach (LOL puns).
Not directly related, but Dean and Kristina certainly just had sex in this pool, right?
This list has started sounding less like places to have sex and more like places Jordan Belfort does drugs. I’m sorry! I understand these are not all feasible, but you know the alternatives. And public, crowded outdoor places are just not going to be where I recommend you have sex. So, if you’re taking a vacation this summer and staying in a hotel, try for a room with a balcony. Or if you meet a hot guy on vacation—after taking all necessary precautions to assess that he’s not a murderer and allowing several girlfriends to track your iPhone location—and he has a sick suite, go take advantage of that. Hotel balconies give you the advantage of being able to duck quickly back indoors, typically involve some gorgeous views, and make you feel wildly adventurous without really posing a risk.
Cabana rule applies here: If there are multiple in a row, you’ll be in too much contact with your neighbors. Also, it should go without saying but the only sex you should be having on hotel balconies is standing up and from behind. No way are you sacrificing your view (and, potentially, your life) to turn around and perch up on some ledge.
Your goals for this summer:
If you absolutely insist on having sex some place where your risk for arrest is high, at least listen to the following advice. Do not have sex in public pools, which are filled with more filth than you ever want to think about, let alone literally open yourself to. Do not have sex directly on hot sand, if you value your skin or that of your partner. And if you absolutely have to have sex in the bathroom of whatever establishment you’re frequenting, at least see if there’s a nicer bathroom down the block with less of a line and/or chance someone puked in it in the last hour. Everyone involved in the situation will thank you.
Images: Giphy (3)
I’ll be honest—until a few weeks ago, I didn’t know that oral sex even had positions. I could sum up all the positions I knew for getting head like this: lying down. And while I’ve literally listed “lying down” as a hobby on my
resume Instagram, I feel dumb AF for not switching it up sooner. After all, regular sex feels vastly different depending on position. Smart betch that you are, I’m sure you’ll understand why the same thing is true for oral sex. Learn from my mistakes and try the following oral sex positions ASAP.
Live On The Edge
I’m going with abstract headers here, because I refuse to invent more ridiculous titles for sex positions. Find a (sturdy) counter high enough that your feet don’t touch the ground, and sit right on the edge. Your partner should get on their knees in front of you. Leg positioning is up to you, but spreading your legs (or your partner holding them back) or keeping your knees wide but resting your lower legs on his back (for added control) both feel amazing. If lying flat on your back makes you feel a little overly exposed—or if it just doesn’t give him access to what gets you off—this is a good move. You’ll have complete control of pace, angle, and pretty much everything else.
*Insert Joke About The Letter V*
Okay, so Cosmo actually calls this “The Deep V,” but for obvious reasons, I didn’t want to lead with that. It’s actually some pretty great advice for a really simple variation on oral sex. You lift your legs in a—you guessed it!—V shape (hold ankles or knees, whatever flexibility allows). He—yup, guessed it again—goes down on you. BUT he also uses his hands to “lightly massage your inner thighs.” According to Cosmo, this brings more blood to your “~*~VuLvA~*~” (aka makes the whole area feel even more sensitive and stimulated). Do I recommend using the words “blood” or “vulva” in a casual hookup situation? Yes, because I love seeing fear in men’s eyes maybe not. But feel free to just direct his hands to your thighs and gently demonstrate how you’d like to be touched. If he’s not completely clueless, he’ll follow your lead.
Get on all fours, but the one where you’re on your forearms and it’s a face down/ass up situation *Ludacris’s “What’s Your Fantasy” plays on a loop in my head for the remainder of the day*. (You can stay on your hands and knees if you want, but it’s more of a human centipede angle. Do not recommend.) If you’ve never had someone eat you out from behind before, prepare to be hit with a whole new world of oral sex possibilities. (Not even talking about ass stuff yet, chill out). The point is, you’ll probably find out a lot of new information about what gets you off and where you like to be touched the first time you try this, because it’s a totally different experience and you have the (literal) upper hand, so you can guide him wherever you like.
Sit On His Face
No real need to be clever or overly detailed here, you all know what this is. Sadly, it’s been so meme-ified that you all probably know it more in the context of a compliment a gross man would give a woman than as an actual sexual act. And I’ll be honest, it’s not my favorite. But it does incorporate one element I love in particular: power and control. You’ll notice a lot of these other positions offer the same bonus. But clearly, men aren’t always getting the orgasm job done on their own. If you want something done right, put a woman in charge. When you sit on someone’s face, you’ve achieved the ultimate level of power. You get off on exactly the pressure and pace you want, and you also get off on the sheer feeling of running the show.
One word of advice for this particular position: don’t rest the full weight of your lower body on his face for any amount of time. It’s rude, it’s slightly dangerous, and it probably will not feel that great for you either. Treat it like a light thigh workout and remember that this is about feeling powerful—not planting your weight directly over someone’s air supply.
What not to do:
While these positions are a great way to get started, the real takeaway is simple. You have to treat oral sex like all other kinds of sex. And that means the first thing you try almost definitely isn’t going to be what works best for you. So keep experimenting until you know exactly what gets you off best. There’s a reason that blow job articles are all about making it better for you, not for him. His orgasm is basically guaranteed—so make sure yours is too.
Images: Giphy (4); Unsplash
Since the dawn of time, mothers have been desperately trying to get their daughters to settle down with a nice boy. At best, these setups end with an awkward kiss on the cheek and an irritated text warning your mom to never again set you up with anyone who still has acne. At worst, you abandon ship to hook up with the hot waiter in the bathroom. (Oops?) It’s the natural order of things, but it doesn’t have to be this way—even science agrees your mom needs to stop setting you up with guys.
According to a study in Evolutionary Psychological Science, mothers just aren’t as picky as their daughters, which makes zero sense. Don’t our moms want beautiful grandchildren? Like, my mom doesn’t need to know any of the details of my sex life, but surely she has to know that “respectability” is the kind of thing only Jane Austen heroines care about. I want a hot husband, dammit. Sue me.
In the study, researchers asked 80 women and their mothers to rate three men, each a different level of hotness, based on whether they would date them (the women) or set them up with their daughter (the mothers). Each photo was accompanied by a “pleasing,” “respectful,” or “friendly” profile description. Essentially, someone took the premise behind Parental Control and turned it into a scientific experiment. So if you’ll just excuse me, I’m going to write up a grant proposal that will examine the effect of strangers’ impressions of your bedroom on your overall attractiveness and desirability.
When psychologists analyzed the information, they found something kind of hilarious: Despite everyone claiming that personality was more important than attractiveness, the cold, hard data says attractiveness was one of the strongest influences. So you can stop pretending your type is “funny guys,” because the jig is up. The attractive and moderately attractive men in the study were rated way higher than the unattractive ones (which is how it typically goes), but it happened even when the ugly dudes had more desirable personality traits. And before your mom can call you shallow, that effect was found in both daughters and mothers. What can I say? Nobody wants a betch to date down.
That being said, the results showed a deep ideological divide between mothers and daughters. The young women said they wouldn’t even consider dating the uggos, but their moms were open to them as potential son-in-law prospects. So while the unattractive dudes weren’t rated well, mothers didn’t see them as totally out of the running. In other words, you’re not being picky—your mom is fucking you over and knowingly setting you up with guys from her synagogue that she knows are busted. Next time she tries to pull that shit, kindly remind her what your grandchildren will look like if your husband closely resembles Shrek. That should nip that behavior in the bud.
In the end, researchers concluded that mothers and daughters have a “minimum level” of hotness when deciding who to date, but that you have way higher standards than your mom. Just something to keep in mind the next time she asks why you’re not dating anyone.
This just in: our favorite Canadian regulation hottie, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, has a tattoo. He truly is the gift that just keeps on giving. We’ve already established that not only does he look like a paid actor from a USA network drama but he’s also a feminist, environmentalist, and all around just inclusive AF. And if that wasn’t sexy enough, then this tattoo is making him next level in my book.
Okay, so FINE maybe this isn’t breaking news in the sense that this is not at all breaking and was definitely a topic on Twitter years ago. BUT I just found out about it after Googling the Prime Minister’s
biceps policies and stumbled upon this gem:
OH, Canadaaaa. I WILL stand on guard for thee.
Seriously, someone needs to sign me up for this fight club.
Justin Trudeau is a relatable politician because he has a really regrettable arm tattoo. pic.twitter.com/Cw31v8AKlO
— gabrielle l. gabauer (@gabrielleleeg) April 22, 2016
Like right fucking now.
But back to the tattoo. I have some V important questions, like what does it mean and is it weird if I ask my future husband to replicate it on his body? And perhaps also replicate the PM’s face and his smile and his hair and maybe he could just turn into Justin Trudeau already? Anyways in a response to Refinery29 JT said that his tattoo is “the planet earth inside a Haida raven.” Apparently, he got the earth tattoo at age 23 aka the age at which the internet lost its mind over pictures of him, and also the age at which everyone gets questionable tattoos, and he later added the Haida raven design for his 40th birthday.
The raven part of the tattoo pays homage to his father becoming an honorary member of Canada’s native Haida tribe in 1976. While I’m sure the earth is meant to symbolize being one with the planet
and every woman’s sexual fantasies, TBH it just sounds like he smokes a fuck ton of weed to me.
Honestly though, this man could get an infinity tattoo on his lower back and I would still want to have his children. Now, can he please do something about the Cheeto in charge of our country??
Remember a little while back when the internet uncovered pictures of a young Joe Biden looking fine as hell and we all collectively lost our shit? I mean, I wouldn’t be mad if 74-year-old Joe Biden was my sugar daddy—it would sure beat some other political figures who are probably sugar daddies who shall remain unnamed. ANYWAY. We’re not here to talk about Joe Biden. Or other unnamed, overly tanned political figures. Hold onto your pants, ladies (and GBFFs), because something even better has come along, and it’s the current Prime Minister of Canada. We all know Justin Trudeau is handsome af at his current age of 45, but some hero found some pictures of a young Justin Trudeau, and SPOILER ALERT: he was somehow even hotter back then. How is that physically possible? I don’t really know. Looks, brains, the power to lead a first-world country—I guess you really can have it all.
Obviously you’ll have to see these pictures to believe it for yourself, so check out our video below. I’m just warning you, though—this is probably NSFW. At least, not if you don’t want your coworkers to see you drooling at your cubicle. We recommend going somewhere private. You have been warned.
Thanks to skinny model betches like Gigi and Kendall taking over our fucking lives, people will practically do anything to make themselves more attractive. Vaginal steaming? Sure. Eyebrow tattoos aka microblading? Yup. Suctioning a cup to my lips because Kylie Jenner refused to admit she’d had injections? Sign me the fuck up. Well now there’s a new insane, painful beauty trend on the rise. Legitimate surgery to get those two little back dimples above your ass. Jesus fucking Christ, how is this a thing?
A Definitive Ranking Of The Victoria’s Secret Models
Just in case going under the knife for back dimples that nobody even fucking notices wasn’t ridiculous enough, the surgery can cost up to five grand. This has got to be the stupidest waste of money since the waist trainer. Look, when I was in middle school I was super jealous of my BFF Christina who had the back dimple thing going on, but now, who gives a fuck? How about you spend that money on a personal trainer and get the entire body of a Victoria’s Secret model instead? Seems like a better investment. Some people have said they’re hereditary so if you want them, you’ll have to pay up. But others say every girl has them; it’s just a matter of if you’re skinny enough for them to show. I could have fucking told you that. Like, I have abs under there somewhere. I’m sure of it.
The only thing back dimples have going for them is that people with them are supposedly have better orgasms because they have better circulation in their pelvis?? IDK. Sounds like bullshit to me. Especially if you’re buying them and they’re not actually there. But I’m not stupid enough to dish out $5K for this so I guess I’ll have to continue on living my sad, mediocre-orgasm-having existence and never know for sure.