Ah, July 4th: a time in America where our differences are put aside (until we get belligerently drunk) so we can chug beer, wear really questionable American flag attire, listen to Kid Rock, and set things on fire/explode anything in sight as a show of respect for our founding fathers. Navigating a barbecue when it comes to your diet, of course, is nothing if not explosive and dangerous. I mean, how are you supposed to know what’s actually good for you and what will probably make you gain five pounds immediately? We’ve rounded up the five best and five worst foods you’ll see at the barbecue this weekend, so, you’re welcome for ensuring you stay skinny in your American flag bikini.
BEST: 1. Watermelon
Wanna stay hydrated while destroying things in America’s name? Best get you some watermelon. Not only does it have like, zero calories, but it’ll keep you feeling and looking great (see: not bloated) while your brother tries to blow his fingers off with firecrackers.
2. Grilled Chicken Wings
Note all three words in that name—GRILLED being the main one. If your host is throwing wings on the grill, opt for salt and pepper over a dunk in some sauce. It’ll be essentially the same as regular grilled chicken, but you can still feel cute eating it sans the shit on your face and hands.
Our boring friend water saves the day again. Obviously you’ll be wanting to hit up the bar, but chugging a few bottles of water between your snacks and drinks will keep you from diving into the macaroni salad or brownie tray. Plus, setting off fireworks and nearly losing fingers is exhausting, so like, be hydrated.
Shit, there should be platters of those blueberry and strawberry kebabs celebrating the land of our ancestors all over and self-respecting July 4th barbecue. Fill up on all this shit before the real food even comes out since we’re talking super limited calories but lots of fiber. Same rules apply for the crudités plate that’s otherwise getting no love. Take advantage of the situation and load up on the earth’s bounty, bitch.
5. On The Rocks
Skip the beer and the mixed shit and put everything on the rocks if you don’t want to be bloaty and farty on July 5th. Instead of your typical 300-plus-calorie margarita, pour some tequila over ice with a splash of lime (or, if you’re like me, a whole bunch of limes). If you’re feeling rum or vodka, put it over ice with some fruit cubes you can steal from the fruit platter everyone is ignoring. Thomas Jefferson would have done the same shit.
WORST: 1. Fried Chicken
As we said during Memorial Day: Anything that’s coated in buttermilk, flour, butter, and spices and or some combo of that shit and then deep fried isn’t going to do you any favors when you step on the scale tomorrow. We understand that America was totally founded on life, liberty, and the right to be obese, but trust us when we say no one wants to grease dripping down your torso while you’re standing there in a bikini.
2. Potato Salad
Benjamin Franklin wouldn’t have eaten this shit, so you shouldn’t either. If you see a mayo-coated potato salad, just say no. If for some reason you’re
dying to be a fatass craving carbs, eat ONE hamburger bun or like, be annonying and make your host nuke a potato for you in the microwave for 6-8 minutes (the poor man’s baked potato). Potatoes have been on our shit list for a long time, so adding the word “salad” to the end does not make it any better.
The summer barbecue is not the place to show off your shot-gunning skills. Beer will bloat you, obviously. Although, if you need the beer to numb your feelings, opt for a light one. Grab a Coors Light or a Corona over the dark Guinness or Amber Ales. Who TF even brings Guinness to a July 4th party, though? You should call Immigration on them.
I am convinced that ranch was conceived by enemies of AMERICA and given to us in an effort to make everyone so fat that they literally can’t fight a war. Whoever did introduce is winning, too (the south will never rise again). A quarter cup—which you could easily consume if you’re standing and dunking every piece of celery into this shit—weighs in at 220 calories and 22 grams of fat. Ditch this shit immediately.
5. Hot Dogs
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: hot dogs are fucking disgusting and they should not go anywhere near your mouth. They are made up of “poultry trimmings” aka mystery meats and filler plus water and corn syrup. Why is there corn syrup in your dinner meat? These are questions you should never have to ask. On top of that, all those chemicals in hot dogs could give you cancer. Even if you can’t think that long term, all that sodium—a Hebrew National will cost you 1,223 mg, AND THAT’S THE 97% FAT FREE KIND—will definitely make you bloat. I know hot dogs are like, the cornerstone of America, but I think they are also to blame for at least half of all the issues that currently plague our nation. Namely obesity. Just don’t do it.