Everyone’s back in town for the holidays, and you know what that means: ex sex texts. Exsexts, if you will. But even if you don’t receive the preemptive “You gonna be in town?” messages, that’s no guarantee you won’t end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and then doing the wrong thing, naked (or not), in your childhood bedroom. And it’s hard to think of something more wrong than that.
How will you navigate the treacherous Turkey Day time, toeing the line between drinks and dick, bars and bros, nostalgia and NOPE? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.
Avoid Your Local Haunts
This may seem like a given, but when you’re three rum and cokes deep and your best friend says you should “Drop by the Golden Tee, for old time’s sake!”, you’ll probably forget your old haunt is the graveyard (dive bar) where your ghosts (of partners past) get ghoulish (shitfaced). And it’s not Halloween anymore, hun, so stop starring in your own hangout horror show. Unless you think these ghosts are buying—apology appletinis are definitely “of the season.”
Change Your Instagram Photo to nEXt with the EX Crossed Out
This will send a clear message and not make it seem like you’re considering sleeping with your ex at all, no matter how many apology appletinis he purchases on your behalf. It also doubles as a cute homage to the MTV show your hometown friends will remember fondly and your Chronically Online™ younger friends will pretend they didn’t binge watch when they were home sick from school. It will also provide you and your girlies’ attitude for the evening: next drink, next bar, next awkward encounter with your best friend’s ex, reminding you that everyone is someone’s ex.
Only Wear Sky Crocs
Not only will you appear blasé, unconcerned, and unfuckable, you’ll be walking on air—literally (metaphorically). If you haven’t committed to being 100% undesirable, you can opt for the high-heeled version, but remember: you will be drinking and you will fall down. Just try to make sure you don’t fall into your pick-canopied childhood bed with your ex who probably won’t have a condom because he “hasn’t been excited about anyone since you” and “can pull out without ruining your pink bedspread.” Right.
Oh, Boy, What Else… Maybe… Start Your Period?
Doesn’t the body have a natural response to shutting down your ex or something? Won’t you just start bleeding so you have no choice but to deny your ex the back-in-town booty? Oh, wow, you were on your period last time you were in town and that’s where the giant stain on your childhood sheets came from? Because you… oh — you fucked your ex while on your period in your childhood bed. Well, disregard this, then.
Y’know What? Fuck It—Fuck Him
Look, you’re an adult. You know the repercussions and if you’ve been thinking about doing it this much, well, then, why deny yourself? You’re rarely in town and it doesn’t have to turn into “a thing” if you don’t want it to. You’ve been going to therapy and establishing healthy boundaries in the other sects of your life, why can’t you do it here, too, Janelle? Are you afraid it will turn into “a thing”? Or are you more afraid it won’t? What do you really want here? Do you want him to take responsibility for his wasted life puttering around your hometown and the way he discarded you for greener pastures, a.k.a., younger pussy, because he hasn’t dealt with his traumas and is afraid to delve into the core of his problems and instead regressed into a 24-year-old (literally)? Well, uh… just know he’ll probably never change. And he’ll probably recognize the stained sheets in your childhood bedroom. So.
This holiday season, enjoy your old stomping grounds, even if you do end up fucking your ex in your childhood bedroom. Hopefully it wasn’t as dry as your dad’s turkey dinner or as sour as your sister’s cranberry sauce.
Images: Boris Jovanovic /Stocksy.com
Whether you’re quarantine-casual or in it for the long haul, gift giving in a relationship is never an easy feat. But what should you do when your casual hookup happens to coincide with the holiday season? Do you get them a present? More importantly, are they getting you a present? The timeframe in which you have been hooking up can help decipher whether you need to bother buying them a gift or if sending nudes will suffice. I say whether you’ve been getting intimate for one month or for one year, if you’re breaking social distancing for this person and a major holiday is approaching, gifts are kind of expected.
Also, it should go without saying, but absolutely no one should take an agreed upon “no presents” rule seriously. Just buy a damn present. You don’t have to empty out your savings account, but you should put a bow on something. If you’re strapped for ideas, don’t freak out, I got you. Consider this curated cheat sheet my gift to you.
Dating: 1-2 Months
Red Gift Bow
Breckenridge Seasonal Christmas Ale
Together for only a month or two? It’s new and you’re both having fun, so there’s no need to overthink it. This early on you can probably get away with a few strategically placed bows on yourself and call it a night. If you want to go in a more tangible direction, then I recommend playing it safe with something edible, like cookies or a seasonal six-pack. You made an effort, it’s on theme, and it doesn’t send any overly serious signals. It’s holiday cheers all around.
Dating: 3-5 Months
Ripple Junction Grateful Dead Tour 74 Vintage Light Weight Crew T-Shirt
Fujifilm Instax Mini 11 Camera
You don’t need to feel pressured to define the relationship, but you should probably be exchanging presents. In the early stages of dating, casually or exclusively, it’s the thought that counts. If you’re just hitting the three-month mark, take note of their Spotify roundup and go for a graphic tee of their favorite band. It’s casual and shows that you’re paying attention to their likes. Nearing closer to five months of being together? Then it’s time to start documenting! What better way to capture proof of your relationship than with a Polaroid camera?
Dating: 6-9 Months
Crosley Voyager Bluetooth Record Player
Brookstone Frienship Lamp – Set Of Two
Hi. Sorry to break it to you, but this is not just a hookup anymore, you should probably reference an inside joke and hit a store. Another way to ease into the gift exchange is to choose an interactive gift, one that the two of you can enjoy together. Take your hookup playlist to the next level with a Bluetooth compatible record player. If you’re feeling extra splurgy, you can even throw in their first record from their favorite band. If you’re working with a long-distance situation, then go for what I’m dubbing the love lamps. A set of lamps—you keep one, your partner keeps the other—and when you tap your lamp, the matching one lights up. Easiest way to tell someone that they light up your lif—k sorry, I’ll stop.
Dating: 1-2 Years
Herschel Supply Co. Duffle Bag
MVMT Jet Noir
Alright, this has surpassed the hookup stage. This is full-on monogamy, so congratulations! And with commitment comes a higher level of gift giving. It’s time to give a gift with some longevity. Gift them a duffle to tell them that you fully accept their baggage. For a hidden bonus, you can even slip in a future travel itinerary (pandemic permitting). Or what’s a subtle way of telling your person that you’re sick of them being late to everything? Get them a watch! It’s sleek, thoughtful, and they’ll never be able to tell you that they lost track of time again.
Dating: 3-4+ Years
Personalized Letter Blanket
PlayStation 5 Console
Safe to say that if it’s gone on this long that this is a fairly serious commitment, which means that it’s time to get thoughtful, and dish out some more dough. Welcome to the big leagues, kids. Handwrite a love letter, or transcribe your favorite DM, and print it on a blanket. It’s a gift to show the grandkids one day. Or, on a not-so-sentimental track, if you can get your hands on a coveted PlayStation 5 Console, then you are guaranteed to be crowned partner of the year. It may not be super original, but I actually think it’s illegal to not include a PS5 in a 2020 gift guide. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. I recommend investing in two controllers, so you can at least both play.
Remember, it’s the thought that counts—and it counts even more when it comes with a gift receipt.
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
Images: Michelle / Unsplash
“I’m not shocked, just disappointed.” – My dad, after I drove my car into the fridge in our garage. Also, me when I realized there were even more types of f*ckboys to write about.
If you recall, a few months ago, I wrote an article about 6 types of f*ckboys you are likely to meet in college. Honestly, we should have known that my initial list was not comprehensive by any means. As dumb as most college-aged guys are, they’re super innovative when it comes to things like making bongs out of random objects and screwing over women. And, like that one scientist said, species must change if they are going to adapt and survive.
First things first, I’m going to refer to the original article a few times throughout this one. Think of this as a higher-level class and the original post like a prereq. If you haven’t read it yet, you might want to go back and read it first.
You’ve dealt with the basic f*ckboys. Now it’s time to educate yourself on the advanced level f*ckboys.
View this post on Instagram
The Wannabe F*ckboy
Definition: If a classic f*ckboy is the king, the wannabe f*ckboy is like the guy who plays the trumpet every time the king enters a room. He’s a total bro, in the ironic sense of the word, and lives to impress his friends. For reasons that elude understanding, he genuinely wants to be a f*ckboy, but he just doesn’t have it in him.
AKA: “Brad’s Wingman,” “The Funny Friend,” or, “The Less Hot One.”
Where to find them: Hyping Brad up for beer pong and awkwardly standing near his friends…poor guy.
How to spot them: His outfits are either a little dorkier than a typical f*ckboy’s or make him look like he’s dressing up as a douchebag for Halloween. He wears shorts in the winter and loooves his Miami Heat LeBron Jersey, even though he isn’t from Miami, and LeBron plays for the Lakers now.
You know he’s a Wanna-Be F*ckboy if:
-He’s always forced to be the wingman. And I mean always.
-He tells you, mid-hookup, that he’s, “kind of a f*ckboy so you shouldn’t get attached.” As if you were planning on it. Like, okay, Jordan, thanks.
-Despite telling you not to get attached, after you hook up, he becomes super obsessed with you and texts you all the time.
-He tries really hard to be funny because it’s usually the only way he gets attention.
-He introduces himself by his last name or a nickname he came up with that no one else uses.
How to deal with them: Like a classic f*ckboy, you know what you’re getting into with this one. Unlike a classic f*ckboy, you might actually enjoy being around him when he isn’t trying to seem like an asshole. But don’t forget, him making you laugh a few times behind closed doors doesn’t make him any less likely to stop trying to get his friends to think he’s hot sh*t. Usually that means making gross comments about women and actively trying to hook up with other girls in public.
A wannabe f*ckboy will try to justify his behavior with the fact that he’s still messed up from when his eighth-grade girlfriend was in love with a high schooler. Maybe one day he’ll go to therapy and sort out why he feels the need to seek out Brad’s approval, but until then, he’s not worth your time.
The Sugar Daddy In Training
Definition: Kind of like a finance bro, yet somehow dumber. He likes preppy clothes, has good taste in restaurants, is incredibly out of touch for a 21-year-old, and has no problem swiping his daddy’s credit card.
Where to find them: They’re probably in the business school and are likely in a frat (even though they’re too snobby to drink Natty Light). They like to go to bougie restaurants on the weekend as their version of a pregame.
How to spot them: A sugar daddy in training will be wearing dark-wash jeans, an expensive watch, and a name-brand shirt. Bonus points if he has an Off White or Gucci belt! These guys are often overly nice but have a bit of a creepy vibe as a result of their low-key sugar daddy energy.
You’ll know you’re involved with one if:
-You’re not even dating, but he takes you to really nice restaurants and offers to pay for the full meal.
-You say no to plans because you have to study, and he brings up that he’s paying as if that will make your exam not matter. But like… is he wrong?
-He orders absurd drinks at your sh*tty college bar and requests top-shelf alcohol. In reality, he can’t tell the difference between Patron and Jose Cuervo.
-He’ll always pay for your drinks, which is kind of cute. But he acts like it’s his own money (it’s not) and like you owe him something in return. You literally never ever ever ever owe a boy for drinks or anything else!!
How to deal with them: A sugar daddy in training might be fun. They usually have some personality and honestly, as a broke college student, a free meal might be hard to pass up. However, getting involved with these guys can get pretty icky pretty fast. If you do choose to hook up with these guys, more power to you, but the minute he starts treating you like you owe him sh*t or using a date to pressure you into anything, walk tf away.
The One Who Just Broke Up With His Long-Term Girlfriend
Definition: After a two-year relationship, homeboy is single and not-so-ready to mingle. The types to be in these long-term relationships when they’re super young tend to be serial daters. However, the trauma of a breakup (which was probably not his idea) makes him lose all sense of self.
Where to find them: Blacking out EVERYWHERE. At a bar. In a frat house. During a tailgate. On a Tuesday afternoon. It’s like Green Eggs and Ham, but if it were about Natty Light and taking shots.
How to spot them: Well ladies, sad to say, but these guys often dress in civilian clothing, which makes it hard to tell whether or not he’ll ruin your life. He’s going to be acting like a 15-year-old boy who was put in charge of grocery shopping: all impulse control, no rationality.
Here’s how you can tell when a breakup is about to turn a boy into a total douche:
-He hooks up with any girl with a pulse, just because he can.
-He talks about how great “freedom” is. A lot.
-Because he’s a “relationship guy,” he ends up getting into a long-term thing with, like, the fifth girl he hooks up with post-breakup.
-He calls his ex “crazy,” but still talks about her allll the time.
-He likes to remind you he just got out of a long-term relationship and isn’t looking for anything serious. This likely happens right after he asks you to sleep over for the third time that week.
How to deal with them: Repeat after me: you are not his therapist! He’s not looking for his next girlfriend, he’s looking for some form of stability as he attempts to get over his last relationship. I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re probably not the only life raft he’s grabbing on to, if you know what I mean. If you have any expectations from him beyond a rebound hookup, you’re playing yourself.
The One With Super Close (Girl) Friends
View this post on Instagram
Definition: If a guy is spending all of his time with a girl and claiming they’re “just friends,” it might be true, but he could also be full of sh*t. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, however, more often than not, at least one of them has some not-so-platonic feelings.
To get this out of the way: “Babe, you don’t need to worry about her, seriously she’s just a friend,” is only okay when I say it, k?
Where to find them: At every sorority event as someone else’s date, surrounded by girls at the bar, helping his ‘friend’ do random sh*t throughout the day.
How to spot them: He dresses exactly how every girl wants a guy to dress, and that’s because his girlfriends are there to pick out his outfits. This guy is charismatic and good with girls, but it’s only because he has a whole squad of (gorgeous) girl friends always by his side.
He might be in love with one of his friends, or vice versa, if:
-He gets really jealous when any guy talks to one of his girl friends.
-There’s a weirdly sexual/romantic part about one of his “friends” in every story he tells.
-He has blatantly admitted to hooking up with one of his “good friends” in the past, but now “she’s just a friend.”
-If you do ask about any of the girls, he gets really defensive and kind of gaslights you into thinking you’re crazy for being a little jealous.
-His girl friends are not fans of yours and have made that extremely clear to either him or you.
-His friends are the type of girls who hang out with guys “because there’s less drama.” *Barf.*
How to deal with them: First of all, never give him an ultimatum unless you’re really ready to walk away from him, because 99 times out of 100, he will pick his so-called friend over you. The best way to figure out what the deal between him and his alleged BFF is would be to try (in a way that isn’t overly crazy) to become friendly with her. You’ll be able to tell if either of them gets uncomfortable. If it comes to a point where you are in a real relationship, and he always picks her over you, walk away.
The One Who Glowed Up
Definition: Maybe he lost a ton of weight, got a good haircut, or finally started taking Accutane. But, overnight, the sweet, ugly-ish guy you used to flirt with for notes in Intro to Econ started looking really f*cking good. You and your friend walked past him this semester, and you had to ask if that was actually Adam. It was, and at some point recently, he went through a hugeeee transformation.
Where to find them: These guys typically can be found near a bar, or at a frat party, they’re always seeking out places they can find girls, just to show off their new looks.
How to spot them: Guys who just got hot can occasionally be hard to tell apart from classic f*ckboys. At a darty (or anywhere where it is semi-socially acceptable), they’ll be shirtless. If they aren’t, they’re wearing something that really screams for attention. After all, why work would they work that hard to get hot if girls still won’t give a sh*t about them?
You can tell he is very aware of his new good looks if:
-He goes from being almost like a puppy dog in your presence to acting like he thinks he’s too cool for you.
-He always blows you off for gym sessions.
-If he gets caught flirting (or, worst-case scenario, hooking up) with someone else, he tries to excuse it by blaming his actions on his new self-confidence.
-He’s like a vegan now or on some equally as obnoxious diet to keep up his new look.
How to deal with them: I would say he needs a significant blow to his ego, but it seems just mean to take something away that he worked so hard for. If you can find a way to subtly let him know that he’s not the greatest thing to grace this planet, let me know, because I haven’t really figured out how to do that without being a massive b*tch.
Listen, as someone who has fallen victim to many a f*ckboy in the last 2.5 years, I don’t suggest avoiding them altogether. Not only is it pretty much impossible, but I actually find f*ckboys totally fascinating. You can learn a lot from getting involved with a f*ckboy, that’s what college is about after all, learning. However, to prevent emotional fallout, you must know how to deal with them and put them in their place.
If you have more f*ckboy stories to share (whether or not they relate to these categories), write-in to the @offcampus insta stories or email them to [email protected].
Images: Eliott Reyna / Unsplash; offcampus / Instagram; Giphy
Welcome again to this week’s U Up Podcast’s Hookup Horror Story, where making fun of people and laughing at their embarrassing hookups are required. Here’s another listener-submitted awkward sexual encounter for your pleasure. Let’s break it down.
Hey J & J,
Coming in hot with an awkward story and an important question about acceptable, shall we say, TERMINOLOGY in the bedroom.
I’m a single gal in her late 20s, finding myself balls-deep in friends’ weddings lately.
Balls-deep… literally, as we’ll soon see.
Recently I ended up going home after a great wedding and perhaps too many great drinks with guy 5ish years younger than me. All good, no problem there.
Sometimes when you’re single at a wedding, you have to rob the cradle.
But you know when you’re borderline blacked out and then something happens that instantly snaps you into a brief moment of sobriety?
Don’t we all.
Well, we were hooking up and everything was going great however he was talking A LOT. I’m not even sure what he was talking about but I just remember thinking, “wow he is chatty.” It was truly distracting.
That’s the worst. I’m not even sure you can call it “going great” if he was talking the whole time. Kinda kills the mood.
And THEN… he starts enthusiastically repeating over and over, “I wanna make you nut.” I literally laughed out loud the first time he said it. He was not trying to be funny. This was serious. I’ve never heard any dude say NUT in reference to a female orgasm. It was unreal. So, what do you guys think?? Is NUTTING in the lexicon of acceptable dirty talk?
P.s. I nutted
HAHAHA what!!?? I’m actually uncomfortable. I don’t know how she “nutted” after that, because I’d be done.
Can women “nut” (god, just typing that is making me cringe). Listen to Jared and Jordana discuss on the latest episode of U Up?
What do you think? Does this track? Or is it a no? Let us know in the comments!
Image: Maddi Bazzocco / Unsplash
Here we are again with another awkward sexual encounter from the U Up? Podcast. These stories written to Jared and Jordana will definitely make yourself feel better about your whole life’s worth of embarrassing moments. Sorry not sorry to those actually experiencing them. Let’s dive in to this week’s letter.
Hi Jared and Jordana,
Happy pre-cuffing season. A few nights ago I went out with a guy who was 10/10 hot, and apparently rich (the dream).
Lol. Pre-cuffing season. For those of you who don’t know, cuffing season is the time between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day to “cuff” or tie someone down for the holiday season. Because you know, the holidays and winter make you want someone to cuddle up with, naturally.
I go back to his apartment (studio on the UES), and things unfold as they usually do. I have an alarm set so I can go back home in the morning and get ready for work.
Of course, as one does.
When I go to leave his apartment around 6am, I open the front door, the tenant across the hall also opens the door and calls his name (also Jared lol). Clearly, I am not Jared. After she realizes this she retreats awkwardly back into her unit without saying anything.
Okay, weird. Immediately I’m thinking as the reader that this is another bitch he’s been seeing, but you went out with the guy once, so chill.
A few hours later I text the guy and mention it and he brushes it off. I go to his place again last night, and he says he has to go into the unit across the hall since the other person moved out and he has to take care of some things???
What kind of things?? Idgi.
I thought it was a bit odd that he didn’t say anything about the woman who asked for him the other morning, and now we’re in her apartment, so I asked again. Turns out his family owns the whole building and that was his MOM.
Anyway, please let me know what you’d call this one.
Xoxo, Meeting the family Betch
THAT took a turn. Was not expecting that one. NGL, if I was in that situation I would run. A “Momma’s Boy” is one of the biggest turnoffs to me. This gives me Failure to Launch vibes. I mean, at least this guy doesn’t live at home with his parents. But, the fact that his mother lives down the hall is bad enough for me. I don’t care how hot or how rich he is. Run, sister, run.
To hear Jared and Jordana’s take on this story, listen to U Up? below.
Images: Timur Romanov / Unsplash
Another week. Another hookup horror story. Hookup culture, for all of its pitfalls, makes up for it by providing hilarious meet-not-cutes like no other cultural phenomenon can. This is especially true for collegiate hookup culture. Something about the sultry mix of frat-level hubris and a sh*t ton of alcohol makes for a cocktail rich in awkward encounters and cringey moments. U Up’s latest awkward sexual encounter is a testament to this, and we broke it down for you.
Dear J&J, Thanks for doing the Lord’s work, I’ve shared the podcast with all my friends and am bringing a huge crowd to your live show in Dallas. A few months ago I had a hilarious sexual experience and thought I should share. I had been hooking up on and off with this guy throughout college—just sex, as I knew he was slightly unhinged.
I’m sorry, unhinged?? I understand making an exception in the name of getting laid. He talks too much? Step up the tongue action. He has a lazy eye? Keep your eyes shut. But if your list of potential “exceptions” includes f*cking the occasional psychopath, I think it’s time to reevaluate your hookup standards.
My senior year I lived in the sorority house and had it on the bucket list to sneak a guy in. I invited him over and he showed up very drunk while I was sober. We start hooking up and I asked if he had a condom and he said no so I told him we couldn’t have sex.
Stay safe, kiddos.
He started freaking out and screaming “f*ck f*ck f*ck” so loud i was worried he was going to wake the house mother.
If the house mother is only a feature in your awkward hookup, and not the main event, you know you’ve got one hell of a story. Greek life is one of those strange institutions that manages to supply you with lots of booze and raunch during your university days, while also making you feel like a high schooler, only with a Mom who is extremely strict and culturally stuck in the 1940s.
To calm him down I told him we could hook up another night this week. He then told me that he was going to “f*ck me until the cows come home” and make me “come so hard he would kill me” he then kept repeating that, saying “I’m gonna kill you Sunday” “I’m gonna kill you Sunday.”
Alright, this guy must be Bachelor-level hot. Nothing makes the entitlement of frat guys clearer when it comes to sex like extremely weird dirty talk and low-key murder threats. Either this guy is a lit major who got a little overzealous with the word play, or lines like this have worked in the past. If it is the former, he clearly needs to work on his transitions, as cows and homicide don’t exactly pair well together. If it is the latter, it is time for us betches to band together and makes sure this behavior does not go rewarded in the future.
He then asked me if we could do “crazy kinky shit” even if we couldn’t have sex and asked me repeatedly to have anal, which we’ve never done.
You do not mention cows in one sentence, then f*cking me in the ass in the next. No. Absolutely not.
I drove him home after that so that I could get him out of the house before he caused more of a scene. In the car, he started trying to finger me while driving and said “i could totally make you crash this car right now” and when I pushed him away he started screaming “f*ck f*ck f*ck” and banging his head against my dashboard so hard I thought he might deploy the airbags.
Well, at the very least he’s consistent. That said, he really needs to reevaluate his standards if crashing a car is somehow a sexual victory. If his affinity for weird pickup lines doesn’t keep him from getting laid in the future, hopefully the massive bruise on his head after BANGING IT ON THE WINDOW (?!?!) will.
I finally got him out of the car and had a story for the ages. Let me know what you would call this!
While part of me (most of me) thinks you should really elevate your standards (aka stop f*cking Crazy Chad), the other part of me is grateful for your service. If this girl is willing to satisfy the sexual cravings of the world’s crazies, I’d say she’s the one doing the Lord’s work here.
How do you feel about banging the occasional crazy? Hear Jared and Jordana’s thoughts on the U Up? podcast below.
As much as we all like to think of ourselves as empathetic beings who don’t get enjoyment out of people’s misery, we all love to cringe (and laugh) at a good embarrassing sex story. It’s fun to hear about the horrible things people have been traumatized by in bed, as long as we’re not the ones undergoing the traumatizing. That’s why this crazy story Jared and Jordana chose as the “Awkward Sexual Encounter” of the week that on the U Up? podcast that a fan sent in is so horribly entertaining. And before you come swinging with your “ThIs DeFiNiTeLy DiDn’T hApPeN!!1!1” comments, homegirl sent us a picture of her literal receipt for proof (but more on that later).
The listener wrote, “So yesterday was a major annual parade in my city – everyone day drinks for it and goes out to bars afterwards. After many hours of drinking and a few too many vodka sodas, I met a guy in a bar and we hit it off. My memory of the entire night is fuzzy at best, but we went home together. I woke up the next morning needing to pee and to get some water. As I was peeing, I realized I had gotten my period the day before but had no memory of taking my tampon out. I reached down to feel for the string but couldn’t find it.”
Oh no. Imagine the panicked thoughts running through this poor girl’s head at this point. Sunday scaries at their STRONGEST. Was the tampon totally gone? Did she not realize she had been free bleeding all night? Then she figured out what actually happened, which was even worse.
“Terror began to set in. Upon further investigation, I found the tampon lodged deep in my vagina. I knew that we hadn’t had sex but he had fingered me A LOT. Apparently in the process, he had shoved my tampon so far up that I couldn’t get it out. This is literally the type of horror story you hear about in middle school Sex Ed.
“I got back into bed with him and felt like I needed to tell him in case I died of sepsis on the spot. He was a great sport – clearly had not felt the tampon at any point the night before and felt badly about it but we were able to joke about it. Anyway, after a lot of googling for tips and tricks and a few hours of fishing around, I gave up and went to Urgent Care.”
Can you imagine the horrifying moment of accepting defeat, swallowing any pride you had left, and surrendering your vagina to a medical professional to remove the tampon stuck so far up it? I just shuddered.
II think basically the entire staff was behind the front desk when they asked me what I needed help with. I’m free of the “foreign body” but have to use pads this week because my poor vagina took such a beating.”
To spare this girl of any more embarrassment after having gone through all of this and then sending it to us to share with the whole world, I won’t attach the picture of her urgent care outpatient form. But I will tell you that it actually has the words “The following issue was addressed: foreign body in vagina” on it. Next time you wake up the morning after a hookup and feel bad about not remembering much from the night before, be grateful that you don’t have a tampon wedged so far up your vagina that you have to have a doctor remove it.
To hear more from Jared and Jordana on this unfortunate story, listen to U Up? below.
Images: Kinga Cichewicz / Unsplash; Tenor (2); Giphy (2)
It’s no secret that for most people, dating is a dumpster fire of an experience. Many of us have wasted months, sometimes years, on a “relationship” as likely to succeed as Jax and Brittany’s marriage. Maybe you tried to have a mature and thoughtful DTR conversation and were met with some version of “I don’t want to put a label on things” or “I’m just not ready for a relationship,” or you’re too afraid to broach the subject because deep down you know the answer will be some version of either. Even when you do take a break from the app hellscape, it seems like every person you like eventually pulls the same crap. How do you break the cycle if you’re fed up with the merry-go-round and looking for something more serious? Lucky for you, Dr. Betchina George* has some advice.
DON’T Just Take What You Can Get
If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that at some point you’ve found yourself waiting to hear from a person you like for longer than is reasonable. Maybe, like my younger self, you’ve even gone so far as to delete his or her number from your phone and consider such person
dead a lost cause. Of course, as soon as you proceed to get on with your life, the deadbeat in question miraculously resurfaces, whether it’s with a last-minute request for a date or a booty call well after you have made plans with friends (or, better yet, your couch). As much as you may want to respond and make yourself immediately available, resist the urge. Why? Because doing so reinforces a mentality of scarcity. Relationship expert and certified bae, Matthew Hussey, explains that when we operate out of a mindset of scarcity, or a fear that we don’t have other options, we allow ourselves to accept behavior that is bad or less than what we deserve. It’s self-defeating because the person you’re trying so desperately to hold onto will end up valuing you less. Don’t settle for someone who is not willing to invest in you. Someone who is worth it will gladly do so, and someone who is not will disappear, freeing you up for the right someone. You may need to wait it out and be alone for some time, and if so, you should learn to get comfortable with that, which brings me to my next point.
DO Keep Yourself Occupied
When I was in graduate school and experiencing a particularly dry spell in my dating life, I picked up a copy of The Rules, a book detailing, you guessed it, rules that a woman should follow to attract the right kind of men. Though I found most of the advice to be outdated and problematic, one idea stuck with me: the importance of staying busy. The authors advise the reader to keep busy before a date to avoid too much pressure and expectations. I would go further and argue that the idea of keeping busy should be applied more broadly to the life of any single person looking to meet a partner. So many of us become consumed with the anxiety of finding someone that it permeates almost every aspect of our lives, with virtually every outing tinged with the hope of meeting someone interesting. Instead of enjoying ourselves and our friends, we anxiously survey the crowd hoping to make a connection, and if we don’t, we feel disappointed and even more anxious. It’s important to prioritize yourself and the things that you enjoy doing, even and especially when those things have nothing to do with the pursuit of a romantic partner. When you immerse yourself in the activities you enjoy, the pressure starts to lift, and you begin connecting with your authentic self, making you far more likely to attract the right kind of people. What’s more, you’ll be an even better partner when the time is right because you’ve cultivated a sense of independence that exists outside the context of a relationship.
DON’T Mistake Anxiety for Butterflies
Too often, we make excuses for the sh*tty men people in our lives by insisting that all is okay because the doucher in question “gives us butterflies.” Unfortunately, this problematic idea is perpetuated in pop culture generation after generation. One notable example is in the Sex and the City episode “I Love a Charade,” which ends with one of Carrie’s more nauseating quotes, which you’ve likely come across on Instagram courtesy of the annoying girl from high school you still inexplicably follow: “Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” Carrie dubs this feeling “zsa zsa zsu” (vom) and proclaims that she definitely has it with Jack Berger, a man who eventually dumps her via a Post-it Note. What Carrie was actually experiencing was insecurity from not knowing where she stood, yet like many women before her, she mistook that unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach for euphoria. Equating uncertainty with excitement is on par with telling young girls that the boys who are mean to them “like them.” It’s untrue at best, and incredibly damaging at worst. Instead of encouraging such feelings of anxiety, we need to recognize them for what they are: a red flag. Conversely, we also need to reprogram ourselves to stop writing off every guy that treats us with respect as “boring.”
DO See A Therapist
Often, the pattern of pursuing dysfunctional relationships over functional ones stems from a fundamental feeling of inadequacy or unworthiness. In other words, the feeling that you don’t deserve a loving and healthy relationship. This belief is often subconscious, so it’s worth doing the hard work in therapy to get to the root of the issue. Working with a good therapist is an excellent way to overcome untrue and limiting beliefs, because it allows you to recognize the thoughts and feelings that spur your actions and recognize and reprogram the negative patterns of behavior that no longer serve you. An objective third party can help you see where you are making the same mistakes, and why you are doing it, and empower you to course correct and take control of the dissatisfying parts of your life. Yes, therapy is a commitment of both time and money, but who better to invest in than your badass self?
DO Practice Self-Love
I know it sounds touchy-feely, but hear me out. We have all heard some version of the old cliche that you can’t love another person until you love yourself. But WTF is self-love? Self-love is the process of coming to love yourself without conditions. It sounds simple, but few of us do it in practice. Start paying greater attention to your thought patterns. You’re likely to find that you beat yourself regularly with all the ways you aren’t good enough. Maybe you think you’d be more attractive to others if you were______ (prettier, skinnier, more outgoing, insert your go-to flaw here). Maybe you torture yourself by making comparisons to others who seem “perfect.” Whatever the ritual, it’s cruel and hardly the way you would treat someone you care about. So why is it okay to do it to yourself? It’s also important to forgive yourself for your past. Maybe you dated someone who was emotionally abusive, or your partner cheated on you. Whatever the “failure,” it’s important to acknowledge it, forgive yourself, release it and grow from it. The more you give yourself a break, the way you would with anyone else you love, the more likely you are to attract healthier partners and prevent future self-sabotaging behaviors.
If there’s one theme I hope you take away from this article, it’s that you must always value and invest in yourself. Each of us deserves the kind of relationship that makes us happy, whether it’s totally casual or completely serious. Sound off in the comments if you have any other tips on how to break the f*ckboy cycle.
*Not an actual doctor.
Images: Brooke Cagle / Unsplash; Giphy (5)