Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! This week, spring break is officially over for the girlies. No more desecrating foreign cultural landmarks with over the clothes fondling, or taking artfully staged photos that make it look like the Eiffel Tower is their penis. The S.S. Fuckboy has docked for the last time, so the women can head off to hometowns.
Personally, this is my favorite episode of every season. More than watching the men emasculate themselves during fetish-forward group dates, more than wanting to disintegrate into my chair when the Bachelorette pretends to orgasm during the fantasy suites, more than shrieking when Neil Lane eventually slithers out of the hole ABC holds him hostage in to pander his last-season diamonds to whatever schmuck is still standing—more than any of that, hometowns are my jam. There is literally nothing quite like them.
This is the moment where things stop being polite and start getting real (and by “real”, I mean the lead pretending they might move to a town that only just got a Walmart last year). This is the time in the season when we get to see where these guys hail from. The houses that built them, if you will. Some of these houses are beacons of light and domesticity, the likes of which make you wonder how a human being raised in such a setting could grow up to be this person wearing skinny jeans and promoting his tequila brand on Instagram. Then, there are other houses that are being held together with nothing but the fruits of the HomeGoods sales their mothers frequent in order to feel something. And hometown dates are so important to The Bachelorette process! How will you know if you’re truly ready for marriage unless you’ve witnessed firsthand the cycle of familial trauma that haunts these highly attractive, upper-middle class gene pools? How?
This season, we’ll be witnessing even more trauma than normal, because we’re getting double the hometowns. Gabby heads home with Jason, Johnny, and Erich; Rachel with Zach, Tyler, Tino, and Aven. I will do my very best to be as detailed and thorough as possible, so that when future generations are studying our culture in a million years, they can point to this and marvel at how intellectually inferior we were. Like we do with the cave men and their sad fire-starting sticks. Let’s get into it!
Hometown #1: Jason In New Orleans, Louisiana
First up is Gabby’s visit to Jason’s hometown of New Orleans. Imagine your hometown being New Orleans. Jesus Christ, no wonder Jason is so reserved. All this time I thought he just wasn’t that into Gabby, but it turns out he’s really seen some shit. At one point he says that he can’t wait to show Gabby what he loves about this town, and then the two proceed to throw beads at drunks and ask people on the street to strip. This is the thing he “loves” about this town. Berating drunks and mild nudity. The childhood this guy must have had.
JASON AS A CHILD ON THESE STREETS:
Gabby meets the family and they are surprisingly well adjusted. Booooo. The dad is especially heart-melting to watch, as he speaks more words in his three minutes of screen time than Jason has spoken in his entire tenure on this show. The rest of his family are fine, though Jason’s mom is doing some sort of Priscilla Presley cosplay that is especially unsettling to behold. Jason’s sister appears way too excited about having an F-list celebrity in the family. She’s like “it’s weird, but I’m ready for their wedding”, and you can practically see the sponsorship deals dancing in her head.
The most surprising moment comes at the end of the date, when Jason lets it slip that he’s not ready to get engaged… ever. EXCUSE ME? He doesn’t want to get engaged, but goes on a show where the sole purpose is to produce a marriage?? Is that what you’re telling me right now??
JASON: I don’t know if I’m ready to be engaged
ME:
Of course, Jason tells Gabby none of this. He whispers it secretly to his mother and her Bump It, hoping she’ll hold that secret as securely as her hairspray is holding that hair three inches above her head. Neither Gabby nor Jason says anything about falling in love with each other–a proclamation that typically occurs during hometowns after a suitor’s family doesn’t immediately unhinge their jaws and consume the interloper. As far as hometowns go, it’s downright platonic. Where is the drama? The high-octane emotions? She could be meeting Jason’s chiropractor for all the emotional depth Gabby has with him and his family. This lack of emotional connection doesn’t bode well for the rest of the hometowns…
Hometown #2: Zach In Mattel’s Headquarters
Up next is Rachel, and she visits the Mattel factory in which Zach and his family were forged. They’re part of a new line of Barbie, the Politically Neutral Barbie, that wears mostly denim and khaki, and comes complete with a Barbie backyard barbecue set bedecked in twinkle lights and last season’s farmhouse decor.
Here’s the thing: I don’t need to see any more of Zach. The most interesting thing about him is that he spells his name with a “ch” instead of just a “c.” Seriously, what do we even know about this guy aside from the home movies thing and the pilot fetish? That he’s family oriented? Who isn’t family oriented?? Who is going to be like “nah, fuck my family” on a show that contractually obligates you to sacrifice your family’s legacy for the sake of ABC’s ratings? Literally no one.
To their credit, Zach’s family does act the appropriate amount of scandalized that their son wants to marry a woman he only just met six weeks ago.
ZACH’S DAD TO RACHEL: I mean, you go to the most romantic places on Earth, and you’ll fall in love with a monkey.
Sir, don’t insult the monkeys.
As if to emphasize that there is nothing between these two beyond the sum of their own egos, ABC plays them ANOTHER home movie, this time of their love story. You guys, this is so, so, so, so dumb. And what’s worse? This highlights reel of their love story is longer than the “compelling” footage production could string together of the hometown. Zach’s date takes up a whopping seven minutes of our two-hour hometowns journey, and it’s about six minutes too long.
Hometown #3: Johnny In Palm Beach, Florida
Of course Johnny is from Florida. What little I know of this man is that he frequently wears acid wash jeans and felt right at home with a Dutch mistress licking hot wax off his happy trail. That he willingly claims Florida as his home suddenly makes so much sense, just like Gabby showing up in a corset top makes so much sense. She’s not just meeting any family; she’s meeting a Florida family. That is the appropriate attire for such an occasion.
Like Zach, Johnny’s hometown barely makes a dent in the episode’s narrative. The only thing I recall about his family is that his dad wore far too much Brooks Brothers for a man who raised a bunch of sons that look like wannabe band managers. Gabby connects with his family, but there’s no depth to that connection. Like Jason, Johnny also admits to being hesitant in taking the next step with Gabby. My god, does anyone want to propose to this woman?? You know, the thing they signed up to do??
They part ways on chummy terms, like when you go long-distance with your camp boyfriend. The almost-sexually-gratifying hand stuff was fun while it lasted, but after a few pen pal letters written with your best Lisa Frank pens, it’s time to move on to the real thing.
Hometown #4: Tyler In His Boardwalk Empire
I should have known things would not go well during Tyler’s hometown when his first stop on the Tour of Tyler was to show Rachel the saddest beach boardwalk in existence. I don’t know much about Tyler’s hometown of Wildwood, NJ (I prefer my New Jersey beach towns to be actually civilized), but this boardwalk is haunting to behold. It looks like the kind of place where a body would be found in a Law & Order episode. And yet, Tyler is beaming. He is thriving in this ghost town, this coastal graveyard where the human spirit surely goes to die.
Despite not one (living) soul frequenting this boardwalk, every business is open, and the carnies all know Tyler. I’m starting to worry that Tyler’s bio line of “business owner” has been somewhat misleading. Here I thought “business owner” meant that he did real estate, or at the very least dabbled in Bitcoin. Now, I worry that his “business” is that he owns one of these boardwalk game stands. Is it really a business if you just pay rent on a Ms. Pac-Man, Ty? Hmm?
Rachel takes one look at his carnie beginnings and is immediately horrified. After an afternoon spent meeting Tyler’s friends, who run the off-brand Nathan’s Hotdog stand, she quietly excuses herself to cry in a Wildwood bathroom. This is bleak. This is not a chapter in your epic love story. This is a chapter in your therapist’s ever-growing file on your emotional traumas.
Rachel knows she has to break it off with him before she meets his family. She’s not in love with Tyler. They’re from two different worlds. She was raised in suburban Florida, and he was raised in a circus tent. It could never work.
She sits him down to have “the talk”, but Tyler can’t quite grasp that Rachel is actually breaking up with him. No, he thinks her intense crying is a sign of her intense feelings for him. Oh, sweetie. No. He proceeds to express every single emotion that has ever penetrated his soft boy body. He’s practically a human gusher, high fructose corn syrup leaking out of every heartfelt word. As he talks, Rachel stares, horrified, directly at the cameras, The Office-style. This is the first time I’ve ever genuinely thought ABC deserved an Emmy for their camera work.
In Tyler’s defense, he’s saying some incredibly nice things about a woman whose coat is stylistically offensive. Imagine getting dumped by this:
Tyler is still smiling even as he enters his family home alone. They’re like, “where is she, Ty??”, and their hopeful smiles will haunt me in the afterlife. This is low, even for ABC. It’s a level of emotional torture we rarely see on this show, and I’m sort of at a loss for words.
Hometown #5: Erich In Bedminster, New Jersey
As much as I hate rooting for this man and his silent “h”, I do think Erich and Gabby have the most chemistry. This feeling is only reinforced for me when Erich tells us that Gabby will be meeting his terminally ill father. Okay, I’m crying in the club.
This is maybe the heaviest hometown I’ve ever witnessed in all my years watching this godforsaken show. The focus isn’t even really on Gabby so much as this family trying to hold things together. This feels raw—almost too personal to be watching as I guzzle boxed wine and eat frozen pizza. I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with genuine human emotions on a Monday night. When Erich’s mom starts crying and saying that love is not giving up on each other, even my blackened heart is crying uncle.
Later, Erich tells Gabby that he’s falling in love with her, and she reciprocates. It’s all very sweet and romantic. I’m even willing to forgive Gabby when she promptly straddles his lap in the middle of the restaurant, in front of god and that man just trying to eat his calamari, to suck face. You get one of those, Gabby. Just one!
Hometown #6: Tino In Santa Clarita, California
Finally, my favorite baby back bitch is on screen again, and his family is already delivering. Tino’s hometown is like watching one of those Animal Planet videos. You know, the one where the predator plays with its food, giving well-placed strikes designed to produce maximum pain? Tino’s family is that apex predator.
From the moment they meet Rachel, the family is out for blood. They aren’t pulling any punches. Tino’s dad asks how they could possibly be ready for marriage after only knowing each other a short amount of time. His mom goes so far as to reduce their love story to playtime. I think her exact words are, “this isn’t real, call me when you get to the real world.” I screamed. Tino’s mom, you aren’t supposed to say the quiet part out loud!
But the worst of it comes when Rachel sits down with Tino’s dad. He spends their short interaction sautéing what little is left of Rachel’s self esteem. He demands that Rachel convince him that she knows his son. Sir, is that really fair? She might not know who his best friend is, or his darkest fear, or even his last name, but she does know stuff about him! Ask her what the ridge of his penis feels like semi-erect, or that thing his tongue does. Ask her! Go on!
Through it all, Rachel’s southern upbringing is working overtime to salvage the date. At the end of the night she even whispers, in the most submissive tone possible, “thank you for being so welcoming”, as she looks straight into the gaping maw of hell itself. Oh, bless your heart.
TINO: Well, I think they adored you.
HAHAHAHA. My god, men will say anything to get their dicks wet. “Adored” is not the word I would use to describe their feelings towards Rachel. “Mentally poisoning her spray tan formula” is perhaps a better interpretation of their feelings. I mean, the last time a family meet-and-greet went this well, a blood feud started in Verona.
RACHEL & TINO @ TINO’S FAMILY:
And that’s all she wrote, folks! Next week, Aven rounds out the hometown dates before The Men Tell All. Also next week, we’ll (hopefully) find out who is making it to the fantasy suites, assuming Jesse Palmer isn’t too busy cracking himself up with these Bachelor ads to enforce any real rules. Until then!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (5)
Hometowns are hereeeeee, and boy, has it been a journey. Is it just me, or has watching Matt whittle down his group of ladies to the final four felt a little like surviving a middle school locker room during the height of puberty? Michelle and those arms definitely look like the type who could give me a wedgie, and Rachael has a face that says “I would start a rumor about you using super jumbo tampons.” But, you know, I’m sure Matt’s wife is in there somewhere!
As I’ve mentioned, this week is Hometowns, where we’ll get to meet the families of Matt’s final four women: Michelle, Rachael, Bri, and Serena P. The theme of this year’s Hometowns is “you can never go home again,” mostly because it would take too many COVID rapid tests, and production already wasted their emergency stash on Heather. Shame. If you’ll recall, last season’s quarantine hometowns were… something. For those of you who missed it, just imagine the production value of a high school’s performance of Mamma Mia! but, like, without the pride of a bunch of art geeks hoping to use the set design on their college applications and more just Chris Harrison’s least favorite ABC intern cobbling something together with rubber cement and a sharpie. So, this week should be fun!
Michelle’s Hometown
We’re first whisked off to Michelle’s hometown of “Minnesota.” Minnesota is in air quotes here because I’m assuming we will see nothing of the actual state during this date. If anything, I imagine ABC will project a Pinterest mood board of “cold stuff” on a green screen and hope we just get it.
Okay, this is kind of cute. Michelle introduces Matt to her alter ego: “Miss Young.” Miss Young is her teacher personality whose kink is apparently having her third graders grill Matt about how many kids he wants and if he uses his hands enough during foreplay. Seriously, these questions are so invasive! Especially Ethan’s. That kid has no chill.
Also, be real, Michelle. Did you make attendance mandatory here? I can only assume permission slips must have signed for this as well? And can I just say, Matt’s pants are VERY tight. I almost need parental controls on my TV to endure seeing those thighs, I can’t imagine the effect of seeing those bad boys live and on Zoom.
My first impression of Michelle’s family is this: they’re HUGE. Are we sure she’s actually from Minnesota and not from whatever place birthed Hagrid? They’re SO tall, it’s insane. My second impression of the family is that they need to be protected from the franchise at all costs. They are too precious for this Earth. Her dad has a voice that could soothe my anxious dog during a thunderstorm, and her mom is wearing head-to-toe Costco in the most endearing of ways. They both seem deeply concerned that their daughter would accept a marriage proposal from a man in a tweed bomber. They’re not wrong.
The date culminates in the most wholesome display of family dynamics I’ve seen on my screen since Boy Meets World went off the air: a family game of basketball. Excuse me, but what?? Like, I did not know that a Bachelor date would be my inspo for setting my dating standards in 2021. Brb, just going to update my Ship profile to say “If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my entire family and play a low-stakes game of pickup basketball.”
MICHELLE: I told Matt I loved him and he gave me a positive smile in return.
ME BOOKING THE NEXT FLIGHT TO PA:
A positive smile? That’s it?! He just had a hot, confident woman with legs the length of my entire body tell him she loves him even with his turtleneck fetish, and the most feeling he can muster up is a lukewarm smile? Are you kidding me with this, Matthew? Are you into any of the women? Because right now I really couldn’t say! Do you even want a wife? Or just a roommate whose pants you can borrow? Someone make it make sense.
Rachael’s Hometown
The racist is up next! Oops sorry, I meant Rachael is up next. She wants to show Matt what life in Georgia is like, and it all just hits a little differently now that we know her TimeHop is full of “Old South” throwbacks.
RACHAEL: *blindfolds Matt* I can’t wait to show you Georgia! Do you trust me?
ALSO RACHAEL: We’re here!!
Oh, no it’s cool, guys, she’s just going to shove him out of a plane! Luckily for her, Matt considers near death experiences to be foreplay, so he’s really into it.
Holy sh*t. Rachael lands like a cracked egg on the pavement. Okay, why was that landing so bad? What kind of janky skydiving place did she book for this? Also, I love that they make her finish out this date even with whiplash. Matt’s like, trying to make out with her while she’s still peeling astroturf out of her hair extensions. She just face-planted, full speed from the sky, into the earth. At least wait for her concussion to subside.
We finally meet the family and they’re… ambivalent about Matt. Honestly, there’s not much more I can say about this date. Rachael seems really into him even with her parents voicing concerns. She even wanted Matt to ask her dad for his blessing to get married. You can tell when she asked Matt about it he was like “oh right, we’re supposed to get engaged at the end of all of this.” Yes, you are buddy! Better start acting like it.
Bri’s Hometown
I love that these are not Hometown dates as much as elaborate ways to maim Matt. Michelle was the nicest about it with that bike riding excursion, but Rachael was hoping he’d get the shoddy landing, and Bri is actively trying to crash him into a tree while they’re off-roading in that Jeep.
BRI: Do you remember that one time you almost killed me?
ALSO BRI:
AHAHAHAHA. I love that Bri has been holding this huge grudge since week three. God, I hope she kills him.
Also, as hot as murder is ladies, where are the real hometown dates? If I don’t see at least one high school yearbook photo from the 2000s complete with crimped hair and Hollister tees, I swear to god I’m going to lose it.
Bri’s family consists of her mom, BFF (who’s also named Bri), and baby sister. Okay, wow her “baby sister” is a literal baby. I was expecting to meet some Gen Z-er in mom jeans ready to fire off some scathing critiques of Matt’s TikTok, not this squishy bundle of cute.
I cannot get over how gorgeous Bri’s mom is, and also how young she is. She could be a contestant! They could have gone on this show together and rivaled The Twins™ for most outrageous professional description.
Also, I don’t think Bri’s mom likes Matt very much. First off, Matt dodged almost all of her questions about how he sees the future with her daughter. Second of all, she keeps saying “we can mend your heart together” as if she’s already has pints of Ben & Jerry’s on deck in the hotel room should her daughter blink twice for help.
Bri thinks that the reason she hasn’t said she’s falling for Matt yet is because she has trouble being vulnerable, but I think it has more to do with the fact that she knows nothing about this guy other than the fact that he has a penchant for skinny jeans and turtlenecks. Even so, she blurts out an “I love you” before the end of the date. Matt takes this as an encouraging sign for their relationship, but pointedly ignores that fact that when she said the L word it was accompanied by the facial expression of swallowing glass. Yeah, I think these two will go far.
Serena’s Hometown
Last but not least, we have Serena’s hometown. Serena appears to be the only one who didn’t get the memo that “hometowns” is actually code for “create an elaborate death trap for Matt,” so she sends him to Canadian bootcamp instead. Also, I love that Serena’s hometown is just the entire country of Canada ,and that apparently the most defining moments of her childhood involve the Canadian national anthem and eating the most disgusting looking poutine I’ve ever seen in my life.
SERENA ON THIS DATE RN:
Okay, Matt’s pants are out of control. Those jeans are practically painted onto his body! I’m shielding my eyes watching this hockey game for fear a g-string might pop out of those jeans when he leans over to hit the puck.
Okay, Serena is soooo normal. She’s giving me huge Hannah B vibes, and by that I mean she’s relatable AF. Matt says as much when he meets her parents. He’s like “she was so normal” which sounds like an insult, but I get it. That said, I don’t think Serena is that into him. Her sister even says she doesn’t look “smitten” with him, and I would have to agree.
SERENA’S SISTER: Do you love him?
SERENA: ….yes?
SERENA’S SISTER:
AHAHAHA. This sister is savage. I love it.
I do think Serena is talking herself into this relationship. I’m sure she’d be into dating Matt, but marriage? Eh, not so much. The end of the date is pretty bleak. She tells Matt she’s having doubts about their relationship and he reacts with all of the emotion of a toaster. I know I used to give Lauren B a lot of sh*t for maybe being an animatronic fembot crafted in the bowels of ABC studies for the sole purpose of being Arie’s dream girl, but now I’m starting to wonder if they manufactured Matt too. He’s just way too cool under pressure.
The Rose Ceremony
Before the rose ceremony begins, Matt tells Chris Harrison that he got a bad feeling from his hometown date with Serena. In what I’m sure is truly altruistic in motive and has nothing at all to do with manipulating a grown man into crying for ratings, Chris encourages Matt to talk to her right now. What’s the worst that could happen!
Matt’s like, “I need answers, she needs to talk to me” and BOY does he get them. Serena says Matt’s just not her person and essentially sends herself home before the rose ceremony. To her credit, she did find a very nice way to say “it’s not you, it’s me.”
SERENA: *dumps him*
MATT:
I am dead that he just asked her to walk him out and then proceeded to have his own sad limo exit. Like, Matt there’s no need to have this tear-stained confessional. You’re already the bachelorette, buddy.
Matt is visibly shaken by his encounter with Serena. He hasn’t felt this betrayed since his trainer left him for a different CrossFit. Luckily, we have Chris Harrison here to offer warm words of encouragement in the form of fearmongering. He’s like, “and are you worried no one else likes you, because I would be.” You’re ruthless, Chris. This is not the time!
At the rose ceremony, Matt tells the ladies that although he’s given off tepid expressions of feeling at best and has promised nothing of an engagement at the end of this other than “we’ll just have to see where we’re at,” that they better step tf up and fulfill their contractual obligation to make him look good. Jumping ship so late in the game is a bad look for his brand. He tells them to think long and hard before accepting any of his roses and then immediately calls Michelle’s name before finishing his last sentence. The scared straight tactics work because all of the women accept his roses.
That’s it for this week, freaks! Start psyching yourselves up for next week’s “Women Tell All”, because Queen V and her under-eye bags are coming back, and I could not be more thrilled. Until then!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (3); Giphy (6)
Welcome back to night two of The Bachelorette! Well, it’s not so much a “welcome back” as it is an intense feeling of being held in a hostage situation by ABC producers and their sick talent for manipulating plot lines out of literally nothing. But at least Hometown dates are finally here! That means the end is in sight. Praise be.
This is usually one of my favorite episodes of every season, because by meeting their families the psychopaths who raised them it allows me to really get to know the guys on a more intimate level. On Monday night Tayshia narrowed her hunt for a husband down to the final four: Ivan, Ben, Brendan, and Zac. Normally, if we were living in a world that didn’t double as some nightmarish hellscape, this would mean that Tayshia would be traveling to each of their respective hometowns to get an up close and personal look at the origin of each of their deep-seated emotional issues, or at least the start of their steroid addictions. But in quarantine times obviously that format has to change. So, I have a lot of questions.
For one, are they going to travel to said hometowns in full-on hazmat suits? Or is ABC truly expecting all of their families to quarantine before filming this? Like, they are fully expecting parents in their 60s to just hop on a plane and risk their safety during a public health crisis… for this? I already learned back in March that my mother wouldn’t even share her Costco bulk orders of toilet paper with me, let alone fly across the country and potentially expose herself to droplets and small talk with any of these idiots. That said, I suppose they must quarantine because it would be terrible press if The Bachelorette was a super-spreader event. Super-spreading of venereal diseases is always cool with them, but not COVID, that’s for sure.
And indeed they are quarantining! Within the first few minutes of the show Chris Harrison tells us that there will be no traveling to hometowns. Instead, ABC is bringing the hometowns to the La Quinta Inn. I for one cannot wait to see how these guys decide to cobble together their own hometown dates with whatever spare objects they packed and loose trash they can find around the hotel’s premises. This should be interesting.
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Brendan’s Hometown
Brendan has the first hometown date of the week and I’m truly interested in seeing more of Brendan’s connection with Tayshia. I felt like they had a moment at the beginning and then we never saw him onscreen with her again. Case in point: I didn’t even know how to properly spell his name until this episode. That’s a problem.
As it turns out, Brendan was unable to secure any adult members of his family for the hometown date. Instead, they pulled up curbside and deposited their district’s tribute—in this case a small child named Aliyah. “Aliyah” is supposedly Brendan’s niece but until I see A) a birth certificate or B) a legal guardian or parent, I will remain suspicious that this is even a member of Brendan’s family at all and is not actually just a random kid ABC found walking around the hotel’s property line and paid $20 to be on this date.
Brendan sets up a carnival date for himself, Tayshia, and “Aliyah,” which is cute but represents his home state of Massachusetts… not at all. I guess Brendan was thinking if they could handle a totally unsupervised day (minus the film crew, ABC producers, and probably a CPS caseworker) of watching “Aliyah”, then the two of them are ready to get married and start a family. I’m not 100% sure I agree with that logic, but I will say Tayshia handled “Aliyah’s” withering stares like a f*cking champ.
Despite all of this, I don’t see any chemistry between the two of them. I think at one point one of them says something like “listening to music is something I can see us doing outside this” and it’s like, I SHOULD HOPE SO. Were they planning on sitting in silence the rest of their lives? Is that what they imagined marriage to be? I’m seriously questioning how they’d describe their ideal person. Apparently it’s something like “likes music as a concept and does not immediately spit in a small child’s face.” The foundation of all great love stories, people!
Eventually we learn that “Aliyah” does have parents and in fact those parents are related to Brendan. What a relief. I know this to be true because Brendan’s brother looks exactly like him. Except his brother looks like he drank all of the whole milk growing up.
Brendan’s brother seems to think Brendan is mature enough for marriage and approves of Tayshia. It’s weird that he phrased it like that because Brendan is 30 f*cking years old and has definitely been married before. Whatever. I’m sure Brendan’s brother really meant that and isn’t just saying that as a precautionary CPS measure, since he did leave his child with these two all day.
Zac’s Hometown
Zac’s hometown is up next, and again there seems to be a bit of a stretch when defining one’s “hometown.” He says he’s going to bring New York City to La Quinta, and he says that with all of the confidence of someone who most definitely spent his formative years in suburban New Jersey. This feeling is reinforced when Zac hails a cab like he’s an extra on the set of Mad Men instead of calling an Uber like a normal person.
He takes Tayshia to a “true New York” bagel stand that has more fresh fruit than a Dole farm, and not one single browning banana or apple covered in a fine layer of dust like the New York bagel stands I’m accustomed to. Then there’s the New York-style pizza he offers her, which was most definitely cooked in California, if not the CiCi’s down the street. Quick question, Zac: have you ever actually been to the city before? Because I’m not convinced, buddy!
ZAC ON THIS DATE RN:
It’s clear Zac knows absolutely nothing about New York culture when the final stop on his city tour is to hop into the hotel’s fountain and dry hump Tayshia to completion. If this was a true NYC date there would be a homeless person mumbling vague threats under their breath right next to them, and they would be moments away from getting a citation from a disgruntled police officer.
Eventually, Tayshia gets to meet Zac’s actual family, and it’s fun watching her explain this date to his parents who are also supposedly from the New York area. “How did he show you New York?” “Well, we walked around in a cardboard box and made out in a fountain.” Actually, you know, that might be a more accurate New York experience when described that way.
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Even though Zac’s brother is just as skeptical of this relationship a as I am of Zac ever having spent an actual day in NYC, the rest of his family seems to be on board with Tayshia. His mother especially looked grateful that she might actually get some grandkids out of this, or at the very least spend an afternoon in the same general vicinity as Chris Harrison.
Ivan’s Hometown
Let’s all just take a moment to feel grateful that we finally get to have some uninterrupted Ivan time on our screens this week. Truly, watching his adorable, normal face on my screen is putting years back on my life. *takes deep peaceful sigh* Okay, moving on.
Their date is very cute and down to earth. They cook a meal picked out by his little niece, whose cuteness is no doubt being closely monitored by Aliyah. If she rushes their date with a piñata and some sassy one-liners we’ll know she’s feeling upstaged. Honestly, the whole thing feels very normal. At one point Tayshia even says that this date feels like something that they’d do in the real world, and it does. I actually feel like I’m watching a real, fully-formed romantic relationship on my screen, and not just some gimmicky sideshow that makes me feel better about my personal life but worse about the human condition.
Ivan lets it slip that Tayshia is only the second girl he’s ever brought home to meet his family. This is good intel to have so that after I slide into his DMs and charm him with my nudes sparkling personality I won’t be surprised to learn that I’m the third girl he’s bringing home to mom.
I have a very real connection with this face oh my goddddd.
As far as meeting the family goes, Tayshia shows up in the exact same dress as his mother and Ivan’s dad brings up Tayshia’s divorce. So, like, it could have gone better. The real heartwarming moment from this date is when ABC brings out Ivan’s brother who’d recently been incarcerated. It’s unclear whether ABC commandeered his freedom specifically for ratings this purpose or if he’d been released prior to this episode, but either way it’s a moment. It even made me tear up a bit. Honest! My dog looked so alarmed she started barking and knocked over my wine, and I wasn’t even mad.
Ben’s Hometown
Though Ben is from Indiana, he decides to make his hometown where he feels at home most: Venice Beach. Okay, that’s not how this works, Ben. I feel most at home on a rooftop in Miami drinking rosé by the bottle dancing my face off in a crop top, but that doesn’t mean I can claim it as my hometown!
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You’re right, Ben. This feels just like Indiana!
Honestly, what’s more shocking is that Ben’s idea of an authentic good time is something straight out of any romantic comedy montage reel. Like, I would not be surprised if he presented ABC producers with the storyboard from Billboard Dad and was like “no, this is how I grew up, honest!!” They go rollerblading, take wellness shots at a juice bar (shudders), stumble upon their couple caricature, and spend the day at the “beach.” By “beach” I mean another pool date that’s masquerading as something exciting. Is anyone surprised?
Ben doesn’t have a great turnout with his family for this date, but he does bring his sister and a famous-adjacent friend who just seem excited to get sh*t faced on The Bachelorette. Relatable.
They both seem over the moon that a human woman is willing to put up with Ben’s sh*t, and that feels like a giant red flag to me. Perhaps what’s most disheartening is that despite all of the chemistry Ben and Tayshia definitely have, Ben’s friends have to coax an “I love you” out of him like I have to coax my blackout friend to drink water after 1am. It doesn’t go great. In the end, he isn’t able to admit his feelings for Tayshia. He resolves to be honest with her after he makes it through the next rose ceremony, and he says this with all of the confidence of an emotionally unavailable f*ckboy who girls have picked time and again at the loss of their own sanity.
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Sure enough, Ben’s downfall is that he never said “I l love you.” Tayshia sends him home at the rose ceremony and, honestly, she doesn’t even seem sad about it. At one point Ben says “Don’t worry about me, I’m always alright”, which is definitely something I’ve said before eating three gallons of ice cream and sending a “do u ever miss us?” text to my ex. I do actually feel really bad for Ben. Even though he is absolutely stone faced during this conversation, I think that’s a defense mechanism more than anything else. That’s something I do when I’m upset or, like, read through any of the comments section of these recaps.
And on that note, fantasy suite dates and the finale (??) are next week! I’d say it’s a holiday miracle but I know no one would every willingly ask to spend their holiday season with the vultures at ABC. Until next week!
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Images: ABC/Craig SjodinGiphy (2); ABC (3); @thesnatchelor, @thebetchelor, @bacheloretteabc, @bachelor.jpg (1)
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Hometown dates are finally here, and I for one could not be more pleased. This is always one of my favorite episodes of every season, because we really get to know the men on a more intimate level by meeting the psychopaths who raised them. This week, Hannah will be traveling to Peter, Tyler, Luke, and Jed’s hometowns, where she’ll get to see where each of them gets their deep-seated emotional issues from, or if it’s just steroids. Fun! So, let’s dive right in, shall we?
Peter The Pilot’s Hometown Date
First up, we have Peter in California. Tbh I don’t think this date placement bodes well for him. I feel as if the person who goes first is usually not high on the lead’s list of priorities. Plus, he’s the only one to come from a state where you can’t buy a gun at the same place you can buy toilet paper, so that’s definitely some points against him.
LOL. ABC, you can’t HONESTLY possibly expect us to believe that that’s Peter’s real car and not something production pulled out of their asses to give him some more sex appeal. There’s no way in hell a commercial airline pilot makes that much money. Please.
Peter starts off his date by giving Hannah an airplane tour around Southern California, and this is 100% not the first girl he has given a romantic airplane ride around the city. This is a move right out of his pilot handbook, as it should be. I mean, if the condom Hannah found in his glove compartment on the way over there wasn’t indication enough, then the MAKING OUT IN THE SKIES WHILE OPERATING A FLYING MACHINE sure shows us that he has this routine down pat. Kudos to you, Pete!
Whether he is flying you to hometowns and taking you to Bonetown, Pete is going to get you there safely. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/s2es4PBmyt
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) July 9, 2019
Moving on. Peter brings Hannah to meet his parents and his mom is LIVING for her 15 minutes of fame.
PETER’S MOM: Do you love her?
PETER: Well normally my relationships last about as long as the walk from the Delta lounge to the terminal, so I guess so?
At least he’s honest!
Meanwhile, Hannah sits down with Peter’s brother who tells her that Peter is a “hopeless romantic.” Lol, sure, Peter’s brother. If by “hopeless romantic” you mean “has definitely banged a girl in every country,” then yes, I’m sure Peter that’s exactly what Peter is!
Also, is it just me, or does Peter’s dad basically look like Captain Lee from Below Deck?
I. Can’t. Unsee. It.
Peter starts talking about how deep he’s falling for Hannah, but offscreen admits that he can’t say “I love you” just yet because he’s scared. Meanwhile, Hannah looks like she’d rather endure three hours of Barbara talking about her jewelry making hobby than five minutes of Peter talking about his feelings for her. Uh oh, Petey. It’s not looking good for you, buddy!
Tyler’s Hometown Date:
Hannah heads to Florida next for Tyler’s hometown date, and honestly I’m shocked by what I’m viewing on my screen rn. I was expecting to see, like, cars on fire or people walking around without pants on or at least one white guy rapping. Those scenarios track with my understanding of Florida, not this f*cking paradise. Dare I say Florida…looks…nice? *waits to spontaneously combust*
Okay, Tyler was not f*cking around when he planned this date. Mimosas, boating, and bikinis? HE IS SPEAKING MY LOVE LANGUAGE. If Hannah doesn’t choose him in the end then I’m sorry but she can’t be helped.
On stop one of Tyler’s boat tour, he shows Hannah the house he grew up in before he lost his fortune and only became medium rich, like Kardashians in 2007 rich. He’s like “Yeah, now we can only drive by the house in this boat my family owns. It’s sad.” SO SAD. Shall I get out the world’s smallest violin for you, Ty?
Post-boat ride, Tyler and Hannah head to off to meet his parents in the hovel starter mansion they were forced to downsize into. Have any of us known pain like this? (Because I sure would like to).
This is our first glimpse of Tyler’s home life and already I like what I’m seeing. And by “what I’m seeing” I mean his brothers because MY GOD this family is beautiful. Do we think they might also be single and desperate? Because HI.
Oh, I forgot Tyler’s dad was sick. Now his poor father has to battle for his life and be on this godforsaken show? Was the disease not punishment enough?? Also, he keeps calling Hannah “Miss Hannah” and it’s so cute I can’t.
Tyler’s dad pulls Hannah aside for a heart-to-heart and this sweet angel of a man is giving me such Buddy Garrity vibes it’s insane. Hannah’s like “Do you think Tyler is ready for an engagement,” and his dad replies with “Well he’s 26 so…” As if legally being forced off his parent’s insurance plan means he’s now ready for marriage. WHAT’S YOUR POINT TYLER’S DAD? You can be older than 26 and live a super fulfilling life all alone with nothing but your dog and 12 seasons of Criminal Minds to keep you company! At least that’s what I whisper to myself in my darkened living room every time Netflix asks “Are you still watching?”
Tyler must have thought the date went pretty well, because when he walks Hannah out to the car he slides into the backseat with her and immediately starts rubbing one out on her thigh. Or she could be rubbing one out on him. I really can’t distinguish whose legs are whose because both of them are wearing matching skin tight white jeans.
Luke’s Hometown Date:
Luke’s hometown date is up next, and it’s the one we’ve all been waiting for. Why we’re in Georgia and not in the basement of ABC studios where the producers grew him in a pod with protein shakes and clean eating for six weeks before casting him on the show this season, I don’t know. But I’m willing to play along if you are, Mike Fleiss. Carry on.
Luke tells Hannah he wants to take her to the one place he visits every week: the shower Sunday School! So, let me get this straight. Peter takes Hannah on a plane, Tyler takes Hannah on a boat, and Luke *checks notes* takes Hannah to pray in a stranger’s basement? HANNAH HOW ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STILL TORN ABOUT WHICH GUY TO CUT.
Also, Hannah is looking like she wishes she’d worn anything other than that lace silk cami today. I wonder if she’ll burst into flames the second she enters the church like the philanderer she is.
LUKE: I was chasing sex. I was entangled in sin.
ENTANGLED IN SIN!! Okay, Luke is acting like he spent his freshman year of college at a bunny farm in New Mexico drowning in booze, pills, and the female flesh. Like, did he steal this speech from Lamar Odom’s memoir?
Side note: I’m starting to think Luke channeled all that sexual energy into his eyebrow maintenance because DAMN those are some manicured brows. How have I never noticed those bad boys before??
Okay, how much do we think Luke paid these guys to say those nice things about him? Especially that one comment about him being “giant”? Nice try, Lukie, but this isn’t making me think you’re a good guy so much as you might be involved in a cult.
Hannah meets his family next, and before grandma can even scoot over on the couch to make room for her, Hannah starts reading through her and Luke’s couples therapy transcript RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. Like, why is she talking about the house drama in front of his entire family? She’s like “it started out great with your son, but then he turned into a total piece of sh*t. Lol! When’s dinner??”
Watching Luke’s family unequivocally defend him is making me understand why Luke thinks he’s infallible. They’re saying that the show made him act the way he has for the past eight weeks and while, yes, that might be a little true, it can’t explain away all of his toxic behavior. After Hannah tells his family about his aggression and blatant disregard for her wants they laugh it off in a “boys will be boys” kind of way, and it’s sickening.
LUKE’S DAD: Luke’s a great guy!
LUKE’S BROTHER: Luke’s a great guy!
RANDOM CHURCH GUY: Luke’s a great guy!
JESUS FROM THE SHOWER: Luke’s a great guy!
HANNAH: You’re right, I think I’m in love with him.
Go home, Hannah, you’re brainwashed!
Jed’s Hometown Date:
Last but not least, Hannah heads to Nashville for Jed’s hometown date, where I’m sure they’ll spend the majority of their date actively avoiding all the places he took his other girlfriend in Nashville. So what does that leave? The back alley behind the Starbucks? That said, I do feel like these two have the best chemistry out of everyone this season. Then again, Jed was a Chippendales dancer so he has been known to manufacture chemistry with a pole.
Speaking of manufactured bullsh*t, I can’t listen to one more Jed Wyatt original. You guys, I just can’t. He’s like “and lookie what we have here? We just happen to be by my recording studio!!” Yes, what fortuitous timing, indeed. And look! They’re going to write a song together. How spontaneous and crazy and I’m sure this won’t at all be available on iTunes tomorrow, but you can use code “JED WYATT” at checkout just in case.
After Jed’s done with his weird Johnny Cash foreplay, he takes Hannah to meet his family and—more importantly—the family dog. Okay, Jed’s family seems very confused about why Hannah is meeting them. It’s like they knew they were being filmed that day, but they just thought it was for his audition for The Voice and not The Bachelorette.
The face you make when you were expecting to meet Blake Shelton at the end of the day not a former 4th place beauty queen.
JED’S DAD: It’s hard for me to wrap my head around all of this because he told me it was just for publicity
YOU AND ME BOTH MR. WYATT. Also, does anyone get the sense that in Mr. Wyatt’s wildest dreams he’s Billy Ray Cyrus? Just me?
Meanwhile, the conversation isn’t going any better between Hannah and Jed’s mom. Hannah asks her if she thinks Jed is ready for engagement and she all but says her son ain’t sh*t.
HANNAH: Your son seems really great.
JED’S MOM: He is great.
HANNAH: Will he treat me right?
JED’S MOM: Lol not a chance.
Well if that’s not a ringing endorsement for legally binding yourself to someone until the end of time then I don’t know what is!
The Rose Ceremony:
Moving on to the rose ceremony. Hannah laments having to choose between three guys she’s into who are ready for marriage, and one guy she’s into who is ready for a record deal. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.
HANNAH: How to you compare apples to oranges to kiwis to tomatoes?
CHRIS HARRISON: Yeah, I don’t care.
Oh, Chris. We’ve missed you buddy!
Hannah starts handing out roses and I’m SHOCKED that it’s down to Jed and Luke. We know from the promos ABC keeps shoving down our throats that Luke makes it to the fantasy suites thanks to that clip of him telling Hannah it’s only okay when *men* sleep with multiple people at once, and I honestly didn’t think Jed would be going home after he said the L word. Parental sabotage or no. Rather than make a decision, Hannah does what I do when I’m under a modicum of stress: flee the scene.
I love that it took Chris Harrison a solid 15 minutes before walking over there to comfort her. I know it’s confusing because after the fence jumping incident of 2019 you bartered your way to less screen time for more pay, but it’s actually your job to comfort the lead, Chris!
Hannah keeps saying that she hasn’t had time to “dive in” with these relationships, but she really wants to “dive in” with each of the men and she’s definitely talking about banging them, right? Like, “dive” has to be a euphemism for their penises, yes?
Hannah returns to the rose ceremony and declares that she absolutely cannot make a decision and then metaphorically stamps her foot in protest. Luke looks completely unfazed by this change of events while Jed looks weirdly upset for someone who was only planning to make it to the top five to begin with.
LMAO CHRIS. He’s like “here are the roses you asked for, you ungrateful bitch” and hands Hannah a second rose. So she’s just allowed to keep all four of them now? Do the rules just not apply anymore? ARE WE JUST GOING TO LIVE IN ANARCHY LIKE THIS?!
Sighs. I guess we will—at least until next week when Hannah finally gets to see their penises more from them and can make a decision. Until next week!
Images: Giphy (3); ABC (3); @shesallbach /Instagram (1); @viallnicholas28 /Twitter (1)
Welcome to Hometowns, people! For those of you who are unfamiliar, this is the episode of The Bachelorette where we get to see where these piles of flaming garbage masquerading as human men came from. It’s also the episode where Becca can decide which mother-in-law she wants to trash-talk behind her back for the rest of her life. Sounds delightful. Shall we get to the good stuff, then?
Garrett’s Hometown
I guess we’re not playing around this episode, because ABC immediately starts things off with Garrett’s hometown. Small mercies. First of all, I am ALARMED by the way he just ran out of those trees. Like, what are these hand gestures I’m looking at rn?
Garrett wants Becca to get a real understanding of his roots and where he comes from, so he asks her to ride on the back of his tractor, and I wish I was even a little bit making this up. Garrett’s like, “can you see yourself doing this after the show?” And it’s like, please stop pretending like you will be doing anything other than pimping laxative tea on Instagram after this show.
And let’s be real, we all know Carlos never really lets you drive the tractor unless you’ve been extra good!
GARRETT: Bringing you home is a big deal because the last person I brought home was my wife.
^^^THINGS YOUR BOYFRIEND SHOULD NEVER SAY.
Okay, is it just me or do Becca and Garrett’s sister look eerily similar? Like they could pull off the twin twist better than Spencer Hastings did doubling as herself in the PLL series finale? Also, Becca keeps saying that Garrett reminds her of her dad and now Garrett’s sister could literally be Becca’s body double. This is getting way too incestuous for me. I’m out.
Okay, I’m surprised I like any of Garrett’s family members, but Barbara is real AF.
BARBARA: Becca I don’t know what he’s told you about his past relationship…
BECCA: Oh, he’s told me everything. Like, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
BARBARA:
Lol Becca just said that her and Garrett share a “special bond” because they’re the only ones on the show who’ve been engaged/married in the past. K. I didn’t know that spitting on the sanctity of marriage qualified a person to be your soulmate these days but, like, to each their own.
The rest of this hometown is boring AF. With Garrett being a hateful meme liker, I thought we’d get to see at least one MAGA hat for Becca to lose her sh*t over. But alas, it looks like Becca will have to find out his true colors in 3-6 months after she’s invested her time, hopes, dreams, and at least 6 Instagram photos to him just like the rest of us plebes.
Seriously though, Becca is looking at Garrett like he could say that the Parkland survivors are crisis actors and she’d still want to bang him. Oh wait…
Jason’s Hometown
Jason whisks Becca off to the sexy and exotic Buffalo, NY! Becca, you lucky b*tch! If you’ll recall, this is the nightmare Hometown date we wrote about weeks ago so my bar for this date is set somewhere around “will call the police if Becca blinks twice.”
Jason, aka the guy who is reluctant to tell this virtual stranger Becca that he’s falling for her, decides to show her how much he cares about her through a wings eating contest! A WINGS EATING CONTEST. Becca, blink once if you want to stay, twice if you need me to DM Chris Harrison and get you tf out of there.
But seriously though, a wings eating contest?? First of all, the only time I would ever participate in such a thing is alone in my home every Sunday when a new episode of Westworld drops and I’m forced to stress eat my feelings under EXTREME duress. You sure as sh*t wouldn’t catch me on live freaking television participating in this form of cruel and unusual punishment. Second of all, there’s nothing sexy about getting a chicken bone heimliched out of your windpipe. NOTHING.
Becca’s like “every time I’m with him I have the best time!” Yes, the best time and probably a newly developed case of IBS.
For the next part of their date Jason takes Becca to an abandoned ice skating rink. I’m sorry, but Jason, are you trying to make this girl your fiancé or get to third with her under the bleachers after study hall lets out? I’m genuinely worried it might be the latter.
Okay, Jason’s family seems very normal and well-adjusted. Booooo. I’m sure if Becca picks him they’ll have a fun life getting happy hour in midtown and having missionary sex with the lights turned off. But, you know, eternal happiness to you both!
Blake’s Hometown
Blake starts off his hometown by immediately reliving his glory days at the high school. Jesus Christ. There’s always one. I guess nothing turns a girl on like sticky floors and the smell of puberty, amiright Blake?
Wait did he really just say “high school is a big part of my life?” RED FLAG. Becca, slowly back away and get back in the car while there’s still time.
Blake goes into a very sad story about a school shooting, which is horrifying. Between this and his mom sleeping with the coach, I really get why they say high school is the best four years of your life.
BLAKE: But don’t worry I have some really great memories from high school too! I love high school!
ALSO BLAKE:
Blake says he has one more surprise for Becca, and I’m slightly worried this means he’s going to take her to the cafeteria and pull out his yearbook so they can over-analyze why so many people wrote “HAGS” in it.
He doesn’t do the cafeteria thing, but he does lead Becca to some sort of talent show competition taking place in the gymnasium. I’m referring to it as a talent show because I genuinely do not know who this Betty person is and there does not appear to be one single adult in this crowd other than Becca and Blake.
So do they just have a de-briefing session to teach Becca the words to every no-name artist they bring through here? #TheBachelorette
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 17, 2018
They start making out amidst a mosh pit of teenagers, and I bet Blake really feels like the big man on campus now.
Cut to the part where Becca meets his family. Do we think the homewrecking coach will be allowed to sit at the dinner table? Or will his dad just make passive-aggressive comments about him in between making small talk with Becca? *turns up the volume*
Wait. Did Blake’s mom just say that they cried together after his last relationship? RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Becca, are you hearing this?!
Okay, I hope after that conversation with Blake’s mom Becca effing RUNS back to the Bachelor mansion. She’s like “after the breakup I had to comfort him, you know?”
ALSO BLAKE’S MOM: I was there with him through every tear. All the times he cried and and the screamed in the night.
ME:
Colton’s Hometown
Colton’s hometown is the last one, which means his family is probably batsh*t. I can’t wait for Colton to tearfully admit he’s a virgin and for his dad to laugh in his face.
Becca’s keeps saying that they have this “crazy connection” but I’m pretty sure by “connection” she means that their chemistry is 100 percent fueled by the fact that he’s seen her friend naked. Ah, romance.
Colton takes Becca to the children’s hospital so ABC can exploit sick children for ratings. I would be outraged, but these kids are so freaking cute. I can’t. Seriously, this little girl and her tiny cowboy boots are stars in the making and she’s too pure for the trash I let pollute my television screen.
Okay, WHAT is Colton’s mom wearing?? I guess she took a page out of Becca’s style handbook because she showed up to tonight’s dinner wearing a shirt with paper clips holding it together as her national TV debut. This is maybe the most offensive thing I’ve seen all season, and I’ve seen Becca show up to a date in a bedazzled zebra print dress.
Colton tells his mom he’s a virgin and she looks just as doubtful about his virginity claims as I do.
Becca and the mom have some girl talk next, and I love that Becca is discussing her son’s sex life right to her face. She’s like, “I’m concerned about his intimacy with women, you know?”
ALSO BECCA: Do you think he’ll be good in bed tho?
Colton drops the “L” word on Becca right before she leaves and she looks smitten. Just like a virgin to play those mind games right before the fantasy suite. Bravo.
The Rose Ceremony
Becca claims she needs to talk things out with her girls before the rose ceremony, because these are the people that know her best. And by “best” she means “contractually obligated by ABC to be there.” Obviously.
Okay, Becca is really laying it on thick with the men here. I feel like there were multiple times throughout the season when she looked like she might quit because all the men were garbage and now she’s making it sound like she’s got the cream of the crop.
LOL. Tia is listening to all of this like, “It was supposed to BE ME!”
Tia listening to Becca talk about Colton #TheBachelerotte pic.twitter.com/lLEslQHASb
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 17, 2018
Oh my goddddd Tia is such a b*tch. She’s like “I know I said I was over Colton but that’s when I thought I was the only girl he played just the tip with.”
TIA: As your friend I want you to know that I’m into the guys you’re into and don’t want you to be with them.
ALSO TIA:
Okay, Becca, this girl is not your friend. She strategically waited until the last second to tell you she was into Colton. Revenge bang him PLEASE. I beg of you.
Speaking of the virgin who can’t drive Colton, wtf is this pep talk he’s trying to get from Chris Harrison rn? He’s like “so what exactly happens in the fantasy suite?? Because I’m nervous.”
CHRIS HARRISON:
ALSO CHRIS HARRISON: Are you asking me how to put it in? I don’t understand where this is going, son…
Damnnnn I can’t believe Becca actually cut Colton because Tia told her to!! I mean, I knew she was going to have regrets after this season, but letting little Miss Wiener, Arkansas manipulate her out of a boyfriend is a wholeeee other story.
Lol I love that Colton’s limo exit strategy is the same as mine when a racist family member gets weird at Thanksgiving: pretend to fall asleep.
Next week, Becca and the three human stock photos she’s dating are headed to Thailand! Now that the virgin is gone, I fear I’ll have to go back to mocking the sequined abominations Becca tries to pass off as fashion. I guess only time will tell!
Images: Giphy (6); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); ABC (1);
We all know what Thanksgiving means. It’s a time to come together with 4-400 of your worst closest relatives to scream about politics celebrate all the many things you have to be grateful for that year. The night before Thanksgiving, however, is just as drunk sacred a holiday, and TBH it’s time someone talked about it. Thanksgiving Eve is the one night a year when you can relive your high school years by hitting up local bars in your hometown and trying to see if people are still hot how the people from your high school turned out. In honor of this blessed event, we’re releasing our original poem ‘Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving. TBH, I’ll be shocked if parents don’t read this to their children for many years to come.
‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving
And all through the streets
People who haven’t spoken since high school are preparing to meet
On Instagram they’re posting new thirst traps with care
In hopes that that hot guy from freshman year will be there
Grandmas and grandpas are all snug in their beds
As visions of you as a lawyer dance in their heads
My bestie in her choker, and me in my tiny-ass dress
Had just arrived at da clurb
To get twisted AF
At the end of the bar my bestie puked in a cup
So we hauled ass to the ladies to before anyone could tell what was up
Then away to the DJ we tore in a flash
And ran straight into my high school prom date, asking to crash
At my place because he was “too drunk to go home”
So I ghosted his ass because no…just no…
As the disco ball gave light to the dance floor below
My friend goes, “These dudes are all fives we should GTFO”
When what to my wandering eye should appear—a full 7, maybe 8—if I have one more beer
I felt like I recognized him, but couldn’t tell from where
I don’t remember anyone from high school having such good hair
He’s immediately swarmed by an army of thots
I guess it pays off to be like, hometown hot
Bye, Ashley! Bye, Emma! Bye, Britney and Karen!
These chicks are too thirsty, you can see them all starin’
Surrounded by people whose names I forget
I say to my bestie, “Why hasn’t he talked to me yet?”
And then in a twinkle, I heard hometown guy say, “Do you want a drink?”
And I’m like, “Okay”
That’s when I saw him, for real in the light, and immediately texted my bestie in fright
I remember this dude! This creepy-ass dweeb! It’s the guy who got a boner in home room—what was his name?—Steve?
“Steve’s hot now!” I text, hoping not to be seen
Trying to remember if I’d ever talked to him, or if I was mean
“Do you remember me?” he asked, with a goofy-ass grin
“A little,” I answer, “Ugh—is this gin?”
Then he starts going off about how I was a bitch
And I’m like, “Hold up, Mr. 7, you’re not hot enough for this!”
Then would you believe it, this freak still wants to hook up
I send a side-eye to my friend cuz like, enough is enough
I throw my drink in his face and post his tears to my story
I’m not taking this shit, I’m not nearly that horny
Where the fuck is my friend? Oh, she’s dancing on the bar
I tell her “Steve’s over. He’s cancelled. He took it too far.”
I look around me to see all the girls I used to hate
Now I have to make conversation and be fake
Some chick named Megan tells me she just bought a house
And I’m like, “Weren’t you the girl who fainted when we dissected a mouse?”
Two girls from my track team start blabbering about their kids
And I’m like “Fuck, I need to get out of here. I’m too young for this.”
I take out my phone and I call us an Uber
Just because I’m 27 now doesn’t mean I’m gonna hang out with losers
We Irish goodbye so no one notices our disappearance
Now it’s time to go home and eat pie with my parents…
Happy Hangover Thanksgiving, from my desire to show people who barely remember me from my high school that I’m cool now, to yours!
Could these hometown dates have BEEN anymore terrifying? From Eric’s corner boy tour of Baltimore to Dean’s abandonment confrontation with his asshole dad, to Peter’s mom’s hair, that was honestly one of the most real slash scary slash awfully depressing two hours of television. Let’s just get into it before I start crying for wittle baby Dean again.
Date with Eric:
“Murder, drugs, and crime… Baltimore is the perfect place to fall in love”
Eric Taking Rachel On Some Twisted Disney Tour: Oh look they’re selling drugs over there right now! Shall we take a look!?
Turns out Eric’s hometown date isn’t exciting enough for the Bachelorette producers so they just show footage from The Wire.
Eric then plays basketball with some guy who seems like he has no idea what the Bachelorette is.
Friend: Eric got straight A’s in school growing up
Eric: Yeahhhh man I did.
Rachel: *thinks back to when he spelled façade PSYDE*
Anyone catch Eric’s gigantic smile when Rachel hugs him before they go in to meet his family? Was she like touching his dick? I was confused.
We meet Eric’s family, and it’s hard to pay attention because I’m fully FLIPPING over every one of his family members’ outfits: pink pants, an off the shoulder top sequin top, sparkly choker, and serious up do. Somebody knew they were gonna be on TV today.
Rachel: Tell it from the beginning. About how we first met!
Eric: Rachel we are on a dating show, everyone knows how we met. There are fucking cameras in my living room.
Aunt Verna: What’s it like being the first black bachelorette?
Rachel: It’s chill. Made out with a ton of white dudes.
Eric’s mom (who looks 45)’s face during every conversation with every person on this show:
Erics dad: So what are you gonna do next Eric?
Eric: I’m tryina shut it down maaaaan
Date With Bryan:
First of all, OF COURSE Bryan is from Miami. It all makes much more sense to me.
Rachel: Miami just screams Bryan, it’s hot, it’s steamy, it has cheek implants.
Bryan is wearing an ombre shirt that blends into his pants. He’s clearly living his best life.
Rachel: The fuck…dominos? I thought we were going to Liv.
When Bryan was like “I heard you like dominos” I honestly thought he was going to take her to get pizza. What if Bryan was lying about his job as a chiropractor and he’s actually a club promoter? Could happen.
Nothing hotter than bringing someone on a date where you speak a different language that they don’t understand in front of them the whole time.
Bryan’s house reminds me a lot of The Birdcage.
Bryan’s obsessive mom: If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I will kill you.
Everyone watching:
His mom sounds just like my mom except my moms not in love with me: “You skinny Bryan. Are you eating good? Your hair. It is different. Did you cut it? They did not do a good job.”
Bryan’s mom has a very valid point: You have lots of girls, you went out with LOTS OF GIRLS and you go on a show and you fall in love with the girl on the show? Dis is crazy.
The sister talking about his ex girlfriend’s demise sounds like the family killed her and hid her body, especially considering his mom threatens to kill Rachel like two seconds later. Can we get the cops on this, please?
Date With Peter:
Wiscooooo. Are they gonna go to the KK? I lost my sunglasses there in 2010 maybe they can ask a bartender for me? K thanks Pete.
Serious question: Did Peter hire the actors who play the friends in The Devil Wears Prada to pose as his multi-ethnic Midwestern squad?
That couch with the cup holders between every chair looks mad comfortable and amazing for pregames. True Wisco hospitality right there.
Peters mom to his hairstylist: Give me Long Island Medium.
At what point do people like us decide that we would look much better with a hairdo like Lynn’s? Like when do we start looking like moms? I don’t get it.
I’m bored. Peter is a fuckboy. Doesn’t want to commit. Thinks his gapped teeth are too good for Rachel.
Rachel: Omg I totally did not come on The Bachelorette to come away with ONLY a boyfriend.
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
Date With Dean:
How come people are always laughing every time someone opens a champagne bottle? CHAMPAGNE YOU’RE ONE HILARIOUS MOTHER FUCKER!!!!
TBH, if I was this emotionally unprepared for Dean’s hometown visit I cannot imagine how Dean felt.
Earth to Dean, maybe the best time to see your dad when you haven’t seen him in 19312 years isn’t on national television in front of a girl you plan on marrying in 3 weeks.
Realtalk though – total respect for Deans dad’s newfound Sikhism. Zero respect for his choice of outfit color.
Liteally so many emotions during this hometown date. First you’re SO uncomfortable for Dean. Then you’re so sad for his dad. Then you’re like really mad at his dad for being an asshole. Then you realize this is being filmed so its like 10x more awkward in real life. How did the Bachelor producers get their entire family on board!? How did Dean’s dad raise someone who looks like his job is to stand shirtless outside of Abercrombie and Fitch?!?!? I need answers.
Dean’s father the penniless citar player. Does that make Rachel Satine, the courtesan? Come to think of it, Dean does look/act like Ewin Mcgreggor’s character in Moulin Rouge. I smell a remake!
“Dinner is made of lots and lots of mung bean…” are they all just going just sit around mediating and farting later?
Dean: I just thank the Lord your mother didn’t live to see her son as a mermaid.
Dean’s Dad:
Dean’s Dad: I’m here honoring you, I made you a lovely curry dinner, I gave you a flower. I AM FATHER OF THE YEAR!
Dean: I love you regardless
Dean’s Dad: Well, whatever
Also, like where the fuck do they live? This shit looks like a Lord Of The Rings movie. Also, I feel like the beanbag chairs they are making out on are v unhygienic.
So is Dean like, sleeping over at his dad’s place? Surprised he didn’t jump on the back of Rachel’s Uber XL. “TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!”
Rose Ceremony.
Tbh I hate when she wears so much eye shadow. But her dress is gorgeous so it makes up for it.
Me When She Didn’t Call Dean’s Name: I AM SHOOKETH!!!!!!!!
Like that was a seriously bold move to let Dean go home even after she said she was falling for him. It made sense and was a logical move because he’s a baby and has serious issues he needs to work through but poor baby Dean!!!
It’s really a fucking shame she didn’t let Eric home because it would have made for an excellent opportunity for him to shout “I DID NOT LEAVE SOUTHSIDE FOR THIS.”
