The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Get In Loser, We’re Going To Hometowns

Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! This week we’re off to Hometowns, if you can call a Hyatt conference room papier-mâchéd within an inch of its life to vaguely resemble whatever podunk towns these dudes crawled out of a “hometown.” Gone are the days when contestants would have to sully their family name by allowing ABC entrance into their childhood homes. It’s sad, really. How are we to know which of these guys still masturbates to their high school yearbook quote or lets his mommy cut his meat for him if we don’t get a decent look at the house that built them? Hmm?

O, Canadaaaa

At least Katie’s in high spirits! She seems far too excited about the first hometown of the week: Blake’s. If it feels like we’ve watched this date before, that’s because we absolutely have. This was the exact “authentic Canadian experience” that production cobbled together for Serena P’s hometown last season, right down to the maple syrup shots and pickup game of hockey. Like, I know Canada has a diverse and rich culture, and yet, production’s attempt at showcasing said culture was to google “Canada” once and follow the first pop-up ad on its Wikipedia page. 

And the contestants go right along with it! They make it out like the entire country of Canada is their hometown. Meanwhile, in America, if you even suggest that living in Greenwich Village is synonymous with living in the West Village, you get called uncultured swine and booed off the subway platform (or so I would assume).

THE BACHELORETTE: What did you do for fun growing up?

CANADIANS ON THIS SHOW: 

I love how Blake turns everything into sex. Like, hometowns is a time to connect on a deeper level, to share stories from childhood and bask in adolescent nostalgia. Meanwhile, Blake is like, “have you ever used syrup as lube before?” Blake! She asked you what your favorite sport was growing up, not to launch into your favorite way to incorporate food into the bedroom. Come on, read the room!

After Blake and Katie get done desecrating Canadian culture, it’s off to meet Blake’s family! So, who did Blake bring to hometowns anyway? His mother, sister, and a random man with a ponytail. Don’t ask me for more details. That’s all I can divulge at this time. 

I will say, I have a loooot of questions for Blake’s mother, but those leather pants are already telling me everything I need to know. She’s giving me major Stifler’s mom vibes. Does she or does she not look like the kind of mom who caught him masturbating and instead of leaving the room, sat down with him to give him better tips for reaching completion? 

The resemblance is uncanny. 

My favorite thing about meeting Blake’s family is that they clearly think he ain’t sh*t. His sister is like, “sooo this is the one you’re in love with now” and I may have spit out my wine at the audacity of such savagery. Later, his mom practically calls him a pussy for not telling Katie he loves her. There’s nothing I love more than watching strong women verbally emasculate a man on live television. Please do carry on, ladies. 

Blake’s date ends on a meh note. He never actually professes any deeper feelings for Katie, though he does allude off-camera to being ready to propose. If that sounds half-hearted to you, that’s because it is. He’s like, “when I know, I know and this is the most I’ve known.” Hmmm, doesn’t sound promising. It sounds like he’s convincing himself of this. Exactly the solid foundation on which you’d want to build a life-long commitment!

How Is Justin Still Here?

The most dramatic thing to come out of Justin’s hometown date was learning that he could not convince one single family member to show up for his date. He gets both of his parents on the phone and they’re like, “sorry we couldn’t be there, we just didn’t want to. You get it right?” Wowwwww. They seriously said “nah, I’ll pass.” I have so much respect for that family. 

Even though Justin was unable to lure any blood related family to New Mexico, he is able to procure two friends. Or at least, two hired actors portraying the role of friends. He’s like, “they’re the brothers I never had! Mostly because my actual brothers said they’re too embarrassed to be related to anyone willing to associate with this franchise.” Again, I say: I have so much respect for this family. 

There are actually other major red flags on this date aside from his parents refusal to bend the knee for ABC. For one, his “friends” are suspiciously hype about the intimacy of his and Katie’s relationship. They’re like, “we’ve never seen this much PDA from him!” PDA?? He touched her pinky once! They’re acting shocked that he would breathe in the same direction as the girl he likes. Red flag. RED. FLAG. 

JUSTIN BEING “INTIMATE” WITH KATIE:

But the real deal breaker happens during Justin’s tour of “the best of Baltimore.” I’m not saying production gave him a lot to work with here (I’m sure they gave him nothing) but MY GOD what a sad excuse for a date. The tour consisted of two papier-mâchéd signs (I told you there’d be at least one!) and a large suspense of reality. Apparently the best that Baltimore has to offer is a single 8 ft. piece of cardboard with doodles spray painted on it that’s supposed to represent “graffiti”. 

And then—AND THEN!—Justin has the audacity to feed her crabs whilst in landlocked Albuquerque. Look, my family also hails from Baltimore, so I get that blue crabs are, like, the glue that holds that culture together, but those ain’t no blue crabs and you know it, Justin. I’ve seen fresher looking seafood in the Costco frozen aisle. You’re sick, Justin! Just sick!

Pork Roll, Egg, & Emotional Breakdown

It’s hard to reflect on the other hometown dates when Greg’s dominated much of the episode. Their date starts off strong with Greg wanting to show Katie “a taste of my beach town.” I’m sorry, but I thought he said he was from Edison, NJ? Show me where the beach is in Edison, Greg, I dare you. Also, let’s be honest about the authenticity of this New Jersey experience. I think we all know the real New Jersey experience is less tandem bike riding and more giving someone the finger on the parkway. Be honest, Greggie!

And, look, it’s all so very cute up to this point. They’re making out in fake rain again and giggling through random activities that do not represent the state of New Jersey in any way, shape or form. Then Katie meets his family and the mood shifts. Things get very emotional very quickly. Greg tells Katie that she fills the void in his life that his dead dad left. She tells Greg that she loves… looking at him. Ooof. 

ME WATCHING THAT SCENE IN REAL TIME:

Katie has said time and again that she won’t say the “L” word until the very end, even if it kills Greg in the process. It’s very clear from this date that Greg would like to skip to the end and propose to Katie. When Katie doesn’t immediately offer to ditch the show, Greg spirals. Like, reallyyy spirals. Like, I’ve seen less melodrama in an Aéropostale fitting room. 

And this isn’t some new side of Greg we haven’t seen before. Greg’s jealousy and insecurity have been a recurring theme over the last few weeks. Though he’s been a frontrunner since night one, he’s struggled with the idea of Katie having relationships with other men. I’m not even talking about the physical aspects of dating multiple men at once. No, Greg seems most upset that Katie might be emotionally invested in a relationship outside of theirs. It’s like he doesn’t understand the foundation on which their relationship was built. This is a reality dating show, after all. 

I love that he’s like, “ditch the show! Who gives a f*ck!” Sir, she signed a contract. Also, Greg is an idiot. Even though Katie didn’t explicitly say “you’re the one, Greg” she does say over and over again that their relationship is the most important to her and she outright tells him he’s advancing to Fantasy Suites. I mean, she did everything but wink at him and he STILL didn’t get it. 

KATIE: I can’t tell you what the future holds for us, I can’t tell you if we’ll end up together.

ALSO KATIE:

Their date ends on shaky ground. Greg is still in his feels. I think for him, getting the green light from his family meant he was ready to take this relationship to the real world. He’s ready to commit right now and cannot fathom that she might need a little more time to sort out her feelings. 

The next day things get worse for the couple. Greg goes to Katie’s hotel room to tell her he’s leaving the show. Chaos ensues. He keeps bringing up that Katie dismissed his feelings from the night before and I honestly don’t think Katie could do anything to get him to stay, short of breaking the space/time continuum to travel back in time and say “I love you” at the exact moment he wanted her to. 

Greg keeps emphasizing that this isn’t about roses, that this is real life and she’s still thinking of people in a point system. Though he has a point, he’s not being very fair to her. She’s the Bachelorette, for Christ’s sake! That’s kind of the whole point! It’s a shame because even though he’s overreacting, there’s a real connection there that’s being lost in hurt feelings and miscommunications. Do I think Katie could have handled that conversation better? Sure. She did seem a little cold and standoffish. But I think that’s because she doesn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up—including her own. 

So how does their fight end? Well, Greg has left the Hyatt and is probably halfway to the closest CVS to Bridget Jones the sh*t out of his night with chocolate and drugstore wine before leaving that godforsaken town. Meanwhile, Katie is where any woman rapidly approaching 30 ends up after breaking up with a guy she’s known for barely three weeks: crying on a bathroom floor. Ah, yes. I know that scenario well. 

And that’s all she wrote, kids! Next week sets us up for the dramatic season finale. We’ll have to wait until then to see if Katie is able to recover from her breakup with Greg by letting some sexed-up Canadian pour maple syrup on her in the Fantasy Suites. Until then!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (4)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 8

This week on The Bachelor we’re treated to an up close and personal look at the girls’ daddy issues families. That’s right people, we’ve made it to the hometown dates. I mean, I’ve 100 percent already predicted exactly how this shit is about to play out, but by all means, ABC, please try and entertain me. Anyway, let’s get into this week’s Bachelor recap.

 

Kendall’s Hometown Date

Okay, every time I see Kendall’s face I’m amazed she’s still here. She’s like “I want to show Arie all the things that make me, me” and I’m almost certain those “things” she’s referring to are the stuffed heads in her bedroom.

 

Wow Kendall really isn’t going to ease Arie in even a little to the idea that she has a Red Room of Pain taxidermy playroom, is she? Even Christian Grey had to work his way up to butt stuff showing Ana his playroom. This girl is ballsy.

 

Wait she wants him TO MOUNT DEAD ANIMALS WITH HER?? I have seen some kinky shit in my day, but this takes the cake.

 

Kendall: In a way, taxidermy is like the perfect relationship, because it’s something that’s never going to break up with you or end in any way ever…

 

God, this girl is a fucking psycho. I love it.  

 

 

 

I’m watching these two make out and all I can think is I really hope they washed the rabies off their hands before they made out. Fingers crossed.

 

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. Kendall’s twin sister’s name is Kylie?? Is Kris Jenner aware there are two of these walking around in the world? Is she??

 

Kylie keeps talking about how she doesn’t “feel” the connection between Kendall and Arie, but I didn’t realize that in her spare time she also fronted as Miss Cleo? Like what do you mean, you don’t feel the connection? He stuffed a dead rat for your sister and still wanted to make out with her after. If that isn’t real human connection, then IDK what is. Just because you’re feeling yourself in that satin Kimono doesn’t mean you have a sixth sense when it comes to human emotion. GTFO. 

 

Sidenote: Who else thinks Kendall might be mounting Kylie’s head on her wall when she dies? The ultimate catch! Your own face on a wall!

 

Their date ends on a meh note. As much as I appreciate Kendall and all her weirdness I’m 99.9 percent sure she’s going home. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned on this show, it’s that having a personality will get you nowhere. Best of luck though, sweetie!

 

Tia’s Hometown Date

We now move on to Weiner, Arkansas, where Tia grew up. Stand by for Tia making awkward weiner puns for the next 10-15 minutes.

 

 

Tia plans a crazy romantic day date that’s unlike anything Arie has ever experienced before: racing cars! Seriously, Tia? Are you fucking kidding me with this? This is the most creative, romantic date you could come up with? The two of you are spending a very crucial day together in separate cars, for god’s sake!

 

Arie is like “I’m so impressed with her for really knowing me” but, like, the only thing I know about you is that you race cars and will bang anything that looks barely legal.

 

And would you look at that. Tia’s family are serving weenies as appetizers because Arie is in Weiner. What did I tell you about the weiner puns?

 

Tia’s brother pulls Arie aside to talk about Arie’s reputation as a “playboy” which is fucking laughable. Has he been watching this show? Let me set your mind at ease here, Tia’s brother. This is the bad boy your sister has been dating for the last 12 days:

 

 

Yeah, I think your sister will be fine.

 

Tia tells Arie that she loves him at the end of her date as if that will save her from Arie inevitably choosing a girl with the personality of gluten free frosting Lauren B over her.

 

Becca K’s Hometown Date

Becca starts her date by apologizing for the entire state of Minnesota, which, like, fair. She is trying to woo him with a state that 85 percent of the time is miserable to live in. It’s a strong start for sure. They go apple picking and it’s cute AF. Arie shows more emotion than I’ve seen from in 7 fucking episodes, and all he’s doing is eating apples and freezing his ass off. He must really like her.

 

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So I ate 23 of those honeycrisps because I don’t want to see Dr. Kathryn for a while… #thebachelor #appleofmyeye

A post shared by Rebecca Kufrin (@bkoof) on

 

Becca talks about how her dad passed away and how he’s been watching over her throughout this whole process and all I can think is “Jesus god, I hope not.” Here’s hoping the afterlife spares him from watching his daughter compete in this train wreck of a show.


I honestly don’t have much to say about this date. She’s cute, Arie’s cute with her, her whole family is freaking adorable. I was hoping “Guard Dog” Uncle Gary aka guy who looks like an extra from the set of Chicago PD /real-life pastor would beat the shit out of Arie, because that would make for some great TV, but as it turns out Uncle Gary is about as scary as me when I need a Snickers bar. Is a little family drama too much to ask for these days, ABC? Is it?

Bachelor Recap Arie Hometowns

Lauren B’s Hometown Date

Last, but certainly least, because this is about to be boring as shit we have Lauren B’s date. I’m still not entirely unconvinced that she isn’t a robot woman created in the ABC studio as a last-minute love interest for Arie when girls started dropping out after they found out he was the new Bachelor. I guess you could say that I have high hopes for this couple.

 

Okay, what kind of psychopath wears velvet to the beach?? (An animatronic fembot who doesn’t have sweat glands, that’s who.)

 

I’m not HORSING around…I SEA something happening here. It apPIERS to me that this BEACH likes you????

A post shared by Lauren Burnham ???? (@laureneburnham) on

 

Arie is, like, having a hot flash over meeting Lauren’s family and I am LOVING his general discomfort at being around a family that could model in a Vineyard Vines catalog. Dead rats and a Miss Cleo interrogation? Fine. A family of khaki-wearing blond people asking about his life and general interests? Terrifying. This may or may not be the best thing that The Bachelor has given me since they put Nick Viall in a chunky knit turtleneck and had him talk about giving women orgasms.

 

Lauren’s dad keeps trying to connect with Arie, but little does he know that Arie has about as many masculine qualities as my Lilly Pulitzer monthly planner. Her dad is like, “you don’t know anyone in the military? You don’t golf?”

 

Arie: *crickets*

 

LOL did Arie just flee another dinner table with Lauren B sitting at it? Again?! If it happened once, I’d write it off as some weird coincidence. Twice and I’d start to think that my general presence is giving the guy I’m dating indigestion. I would try and judge what Lauren’s thinking about all of this, but she’s not programmed to display that kind of facial expression just yet.

 

I love that all of these families are acting shocked that their daughters are this into Arie and, honestly, same. Welcome to my hell last eight weeks, people!

 

Fucking finally. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Lauren’s dad takes Arie out back and it looks like a parent might finally verbally or physically beat the shit out of Arie.  *turns up volume*

 

WAIT, WHAT?! Where did Arie come up with that Miss America scripted perfect response? Do you think when he went to the bathroom, the producers gave him a cheat sheet for how to impress Lauren’s dad? Cause that’s literally the only explanation for how he was able to pull this story out of his ass.

 

Lauren: I don’t think Arie would say “I’m falling for you” to any other girls?

 

Lauren’s Mom And All Of America:

 

 

The Rose Ceremony

Ah, my favorite moment of the evening. When Arie judges a girl based on how well her mom ages her family. *turns up volume*

 

Arie is acting like tonight’s choice is sooo hard but we all know that he’s going to get rid of the girl who made him play with dead animal skins, right?

 

Sidenote: can we analyze these dresses for a minute here? Because Lauren B is the only one who came here to play seduce him one last time with her dress choice. Kendall looks fine. Becca looks like she’s going to her least favorite sorority sister’s wedding. And, then we have Tia who decided to come looking like a glammed up version of Wilma Flintstone. Girlfriend, this is not the hollarin’ contest! Step your game up!

 

Arie pulls Kendall aside, and I am on fucking edge. Meanwhile, Tia looks like she might fling herself off a cliff any moment. She’s like “who is he deciding between? WHO IS IT BETWEEN?”

 

 

Arie is practically waterboarding Kendall for answers on how she feels about him. He’s like, “Can you get there? Do you want to marry me?” and she’s like, “Uhhh we’ll see won’t we?” Honestly, I love her so much. She’s handling this like a fucking queen.

 

Also, this entire set-up feels like an easy way for Arie to have a reason to cut her. Like Becca K also didn’t say the “L” word and yet you aren’t backing her into a literal corner during the middle of a rose ceremony.

 

Other things I’ve learned from watching this show: Honesty is never rewarded. Poor Kenny. It was nice knowing ya.

 

WHAT. KENDALL GETS THE ROSE. WHAT. I may or may not have just spit my wine all over my couch. Damn. Arie must really think Kendall’s a freak in the sheets be into the taxidermy thing.

 

Oh God. Tia is fucking losing it. Is this the part where Raven comes out of nowhere and beats Arie with a shoe?? *prays to all that is good and holy* Honestly, Tia, dry your tears girl. You’re going to go v v far on a little Mexican beach known as Bachelor in Paradise. You’re gonna be just fine.

 

And on that note, BYE BITCHES!

 

Images:  Giphy (6); ABC (1); @bkoof /Instagram (1); @laureneburnham /Instagram (1)

5 Things That Will Definitely Happen During ‘The Bachelor’ Hometown Dates

It’s been over 48 since Arie announced which women will bring dishonor to their families take him home to meet their families and I already have, like, a lot of feelings about this. First, I’m sad to say that Bekah M, professional nanny and reason I have an entire Pinterest board devoted to pixie hair cuts, was cut last episode, which means we won’t be meeting her mother aka the woman behind the infamous missing persons report. I’ve honestly not been this disappointed since they announced Arie as the next Bachelor. That said, Tia, Kendall, Lauren B, and Becca K all made it to hometowns next week and I’m thinking some shit will go down. Let’s take a look at the ladies still left standing, shall we? We’ve got Raven 2.0 Tia, a girl whose first impression involved a tiny wiener. Then there’s Kendall, who likes to stuff dead things for fun; Lauren B, who has the personality of a stuffed dead thing; and, finally, Becca K, who for all intents and purposes appears normal (I assume until this very episode proves otherwise). I’ve done the research a deep dive into the catacombs of their social media platforms and I’m pretty sure I know exactly what skeletons these bitches have hiding in their (middle school) closets. So here’s all the shit that’s definitely going to happen during The Bachelor hometown visits.

 

1. Raven Gets A Cameo

If there’s one thing I know and trust in this world is that the limit does not exist as to how many times ABC will pimp out a franchise-favorite contestant just for ratings. In fact, I would bet my brunch reservations that we’ll be seeing Raven “The Bachelor Gave Me My First Orgasm” Gates next episode. If you’ll recall, Raven and Tia go way back in the sense that they are the only two girls in that godforsaken Arkansas town trying to find love make it big as Instagram models. Raven will most certainly make a brief appearance, if only to lecture Tia on “following your heart” and “trusting the process”, to which I will be here to savagely bring that bitch back to earth when I tell her that by “process” she must mean Wells’ cocktails. Please.

Never forget where you come from, Raven.

 

2. Kendall Shows Arie Her Red Room Of Pain

I don’t know about y’all, but I for one am fucking psyched to see Kendall introduce Arie to her house of horrors family. I actually really like Kendall. Sure she’s weird, but she seems genuine, even if some of that genuineness involves stuffing dead things for funsies. Whatever, nobody’s perfect. The promo for next week’s episode indicated that Kendall is about to really lean the fuck in to her weirdness by showing Arie her Red Room of Pain aka the place where she keeps all of her literal stuffed animals. Let’s just hope we also get a glimpse at the room where she keeps the heads of her ex-boyfriends, because I’ve been waiting for that reveal since day one when they introduced Kendall as a “taxidermy enthusiast.”

 

3. There’s Going To Be Dogs Everywhere

For those of you who are about to be like “who cares” to my prediction that dogs are about to be every-fucking-where this episode, I’d just like to say that you can go shave your back now. Thx. All of the final four girls refer to themselves as “dog moms” on Instagram except for Kendall, which is suspicious AF. Perhaps it’s best we don’t question that one too much. We’ll definitely be seeing some pooches on Bachelor hometown dates, but here’s hoping that at least one of the dates has to have an  in-depth discussion about their future as to why their dog doesn’t like Arie. It’s the least I ask for, ABC. If I don’t see some meat seat Cheaper By The Dozen antics, I will not be pleased!

Nothing like a strong bond over the love for gravy. #twinning

A post shared by Rebecca Kufrin (@bkoof) on

 

4. At Least One Father Will Try To Kick Arie’s Ass

In every Bachelor hometown episode there’s at least one father/brother/overprotective neighbor who isn’t happy about the fact that his favorite daughter/sister/girl-next-door obsession is acting out her latent daddy issues dating a man a decade older than her who is also casually dating three other women. Can men just ever let a girl live?? My money is on a member of Tia or Kendall’s family losing their shit since Arie seems to be the least into these two, and he’s about as good as faking his feelings as I am at faking enthusiasm about being pulled into a five-person-plus group chat. All I have to say is, if that fight goes anything like Arie’s wrestling match with Kenny, then it will be a bloodbath. *crosses every finger and toe*

 

Jesus.

 

5. Lauren B Finally Reveals Her True Personality

I have a lot of theories about Lauren B and where tf she got the personality of low-fat yogurt from. Most of these theories revolve around the fact that I’m convinced she is an anatomically forged robot human, and we can’t tell the difference because she looks and acts just like every other hot blonde Lauren in the world. Now, this theory could have been influenced by my recent binge watch of the entire first season of Westworld, but it also definitely has to do with the fact that I have not seen this girl show a sliver of emotion in the seven episodes I’ve suffered through. It’s really either/or at this point. If she’s not a robot then she 100 percent comes from the most boring family on planet Earth. I’m already mentally preparing myself  to sit through a Bachelor hometown date that’s about as thrilling as my last dentist appointment.

^^ Lauren B’s face when she is happy, sad, angry, outed as human fembot

 

Hometowns are about to be so lit. Until next week, betches!

Images: Giphy (3); @bkoof /Instagram (1); ABC (1)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: We Need To Talk About Dean’s Dad

Could these hometown dates have BEEN anymore terrifying? From Eric’s corner boy tour of Baltimore to Dean’s abandonment confrontation with his asshole dad, to Peter’s mom’s hair, that was honestly one of the most real slash scary slash awfully depressing two hours of television. Let’s just get into it before I start crying for wittle baby Dean again.

Date with Eric:

“Murder, drugs, and crime… Baltimore is the perfect place to fall in love”

Eric Taking Rachel On Some Twisted Disney Tour: Oh look they’re selling drugs over there right now! Shall we take a look!?

Turns out Eric’s hometown date isn’t exciting enough for the Bachelorette producers so they just show footage from The Wire.

Eric then plays basketball with some guy who seems like he has no idea what the Bachelorette is.

Friend: Eric got straight A’s in school growing up
Eric: Yeahhhh man I did.
Rachel: *thinks back to when he spelled façade PSYDE*

Anyone catch Eric’s gigantic smile when Rachel hugs him before they go in to meet his family? Was she like touching his dick? I was confused.

We meet Eric’s family, and it’s hard to pay attention because I’m fully FLIPPING over every one of his family members’ outfits: pink pants, an off the shoulder top sequin top, sparkly choker, and serious up do. Somebody knew they were gonna be on TV today.

Rachel: Tell it from the beginning. About how we first met!
Eric: Rachel we are on a dating show, everyone knows how we met. There are fucking cameras in my living room.

Aunt Verna: What’s it like being the first black bachelorette?
Rachel: It’s chill. Made out with a ton of white dudes.

Eric’s mom (who looks 45)’s face during every conversation with every person on this show:

Erics dad: So what are you gonna do next Eric?
Eric: I’m tryina shut it down maaaaan

Date With Bryan:

First of all, OF COURSE Bryan is from Miami. It all makes much more sense to me.

Rachel: Miami just screams Bryan, it’s hot, it’s steamy, it has cheek implants.  

Bryan is wearing an ombre shirt that blends into his pants. He’s clearly living his best life.

Rachel: The fuck…dominos? I thought we were going to Liv.

When Bryan was like “I heard you like dominos” I honestly thought he was going to take her to get pizza. What if Bryan was lying about his job as a chiropractor and he’s actually a club promoter? Could happen.

Nothing hotter than bringing someone on a date where you speak a different language that they don’t understand in front of them the whole time.

Bryan’s house reminds me a lot of The Birdcage. 

Bryan’s obsessive mom: If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I will kill you.
Everyone watching:

His mom sounds just like my mom except my moms not in love with me: “You skinny Bryan. Are you eating good?  Your hair. It is different. Did you cut it? They did not do a good job.”

Bryan’s mom has a very valid point: You have lots of girls, you went out with LOTS OF GIRLS and you go on a show and you fall in love with the girl on the show? Dis is crazy.

The sister talking about his ex girlfriend’s demise sounds like the family killed her and hid her body, especially considering his mom threatens to kill Rachel like two seconds later. Can we get the cops on this, please? 

Date With Peter:

Wiscooooo. Are they gonna go to the KK? I lost my sunglasses there in 2010 maybe they can ask a bartender for me? K thanks Pete.

Serious question: Did Peter hire the actors who play the friends in The Devil Wears Prada to pose as his multi-ethnic Midwestern squad?

That couch with the cup holders between every chair looks mad comfortable and amazing for pregames. True Wisco hospitality right there.

Peters mom to his hairstylist: Give me Long Island Medium. 

At what point do people like us decide that we would look much better with a hairdo like Lynn’s? Like when do we start looking like moms? I don’t get it.

I’m bored. Peter is a fuckboy. Doesn’t want to commit. Thinks his gapped teeth are too good for Rachel.

Rachel: Omg I totally did not come on The Bachelorette to come away with ONLY a boyfriend.

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite. 

Date With Dean:

How come people are always laughing every time someone opens a champagne bottle?  CHAMPAGNE YOU’RE ONE HILARIOUS MOTHER FUCKER!!!!

TBH, if I was this emotionally unprepared for Dean’s hometown visit I cannot imagine how Dean felt.

Earth to Dean, maybe the best time to see your dad when you haven’t seen him in 19312 years isn’t on national television in front of a girl you plan on marrying in 3 weeks.

Realtalk though – total respect for Deans dad’s newfound Sikhism. Zero respect for his choice of outfit color. 

Liteally so many emotions during this hometown date. First you’re SO uncomfortable for Dean. Then you’re so sad for his dad. Then you’re like really mad at his dad for being an asshole. Then you realize this is being filmed so its like 10x more awkward in real life. How did the Bachelor producers get their entire family on board!? How did Dean’s dad raise someone who looks like his job is to stand shirtless outside of Abercrombie and Fitch?!?!? I need answers.

Dean’s father the penniless citar player. Does that make Rachel Satine, the courtesan? Come to think of it, Dean does look/act like Ewin Mcgreggor’s character in Moulin Rouge. I smell a remake!

“Dinner is made of lots and lots of mung bean…” are they all just going just sit around mediating and farting later?

Dean: I just thank the Lord your mother didn’t live to see her son as a mermaid.

Dean’s Dad:

Dean’s Dad: I’m here honoring you, I made you a lovely curry dinner, I gave you a flower. I AM FATHER OF THE YEAR!

Dean: I love you regardless
Dean’s Dad: Well, whatever

Also, like where the fuck do they live? This shit looks like a Lord Of The Rings movie. Also, I feel like the beanbag chairs they are making out on are v unhygienic.

So is Dean like, sleeping over at his dad’s place? Surprised he didn’t jump on the back of Rachel’s Uber XL. “TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!”

Rose Ceremony.

Tbh I hate when she wears so much eye shadow. But her dress is gorgeous so it makes up for it.

Me When She Didn’t Call Dean’s Name: I AM SHOOKETH!!!!!!!!

Like that was a seriously bold move to let Dean go home even after she said she was falling for him. It made sense and was a logical move because he’s a baby and has serious issues he needs to work through but poor baby Dean!!!

It’s really a fucking shame she didn’t let Eric home because it would have made for an excellent opportunity for him to shout “I DID NOT LEAVE SOUTHSIDE FOR THIS.”