Harvey Weinstein Was Indicted And Here Are The Charges

On Wednesday, a Manhattan Grand Jury voted to indict Harvey Weinstein, Hollywood’s richest bridge troll, on charges of Rape in the First and Third Degrees and Criminal Sexual Acts in the Third Degree. To break it down: Rape in the First Degree, according to New York law, is the most severe and requires forcible compulsion while the Third Degree means intercourse without another’s consent (withheld for a reason other than incapacity). Both sound like Harvey to me but hey, I’m not a lawyer.

According to the Manhattan District Attorney, Harvey forced a woman to perform oral sex on him in his office and raped another woman in a hotel. This is the moment I wish we could hire all the girls from The Handmaids Tale to gather in a circle and throw stones at him, but apparently we live in a “civil society.”

If convicted, Harvey Weinstein could spend anywhere from five to twenty five years in prison asking the guards if they know “why this hotel doesn’t have bathrobes?” Five to twenty five years seems like a pretty wide range, but a victory is a victory I guess.

On Friday, Weinstein was forced to turn in his passport and was released on a one million dollar bail which is money he could probably find in change in his couch cushions. He was also strapped with a movement monitor that restricts him from leaving Connecticut and New York.

While the rape victim has not been publicly identified, she was reportedly attacked inside a Doubletree Hotel in 2013. The criminal sexual acts charge comes from an encounter with Lucia Evans, an actress who met Weinstein at a nightclub when she was 21 years old. Can you imagine having a fun night dancing with your friends and a wrinkly sea sponge with too much money and power offers you a deal too good to be true? Harvey is a way less fun Ursula the sea witch, stealing women’s voices for power and then getting all crazy when we try to stab him. Evans says that Weinstein forced her to perform oral sex during what she thought was a casting meeting at the Miramax office in TriBeCa in 2004.

Weinstein’s Lawyer, Benjamin Brafman, says that both acts were completely consensual and that Evans didn’t report the incident for nearly fourteen years. Well, duh. He stole her voice! Why would a 21-year-old think she could bring down Hollywood’s most powerful pufferfish? Society only started taking assault victims seriously this year – a casual two thousand and eighteen years too late. According to Brafman, the second woman had a ten-year romantic affair with Weinstein that went on long after the attack. Imagining Harvey Weinstein being “romantic” is turning my brain into a Tide Pods.

Weinstein plans to plead not guilty and he is prepared to “vigorously defend against these unsupported allegations that he strongly denies.” If the case goes to trial, Brafman believes Weinstein will be acquitted. Ok, Brafman. Game on.

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10 People Who Are Officially Cancelled in 2018

We’re not even a full week into February yet, and honestly, 2018 isn’t doing a stellar job at convincing anyone it plans to save us from the 365 days of hellfire that was 2017. A few good things actually did come out of 2017 though, like the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. However, these movements wouldn’t be around in the first place if certain people didn’t act like total effing scumbags. There are seriously too many people to list, and I don’t have the time for that otherwise we’d be here all day, so here’s a shortlist to remind you who’s officially over and cancelled as we head into this new year reclaiming our time.

1. Harvey Weinstein

Do I really need to explain this one? The description for Time’s Up literally says it was formed in response to the “Weinstein Effect.” When you have your own “effect” named after you, it’s pretty safe to say you’re a monster of epic proportions and deserve to be cancelled indefinitely.

2. James Franco

Oh, James. Sometimes when a dude sorta looks like a creep, and talks like a creep, and smiles like a creep…he turns out to be a creep. Any professor who offers an instructional class on how to act in sex scenes should probably raise some red flags. Plus, we hear he’s allegedly a head pusher, and that is cool under absolutely no circumstance. The gag reflex is a delicate thing, and I will choose where I move my head when I damn well please. Next.

3. Matt Damon

Matt Damon is a classic case of “if you just kept your mouth shut, you wouldn’t be in this mess.” Honestly, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, I’d have enough money to buy more vodka and bring that problem full circle again. Damon tried to differentiate the “spectrum” of sexual assault, because apparently it’s important to keep it straight that whipping your dick out and rubbing one out to an unwilling audience is not the same thing as grabbing a handful of ass without consent. Both are disgusting, but it’s a different disgusting. Thank you for clearing that up, Matthew. He also said he was hoping more attention could be given to men who have not been accused of sexual misconduct in order to…IDK clear the reputation of men everywhere? The last thing we need is more attention on powerful men. Like, at all. How d’ya like them apples?

4. Louis C.K.

Speaking of unsolicited jerking off, we now turn to Louis C.K., a comedian whose jokes about non-consensual assault and masturbation actually turned out to be true. Wow, a man who tells the truth – in any other scenario he’d be given a pat on the back and a gold medal. But this is not one of those impressive displays of honesty, and even though he issued a half-assed apology, he and his overexposed fire crotch are still DOA. *Friends theme song clap*

5. Kevin Spacey

Did you forget about Mr. Spacey? That might be because he was literally erased from existence following the many accusations against him for forcing himself on young men – most notably one who was underage at the time. Then he tried to make it all ok by being like “but wait, I’ve been gay this whole time! Pls respect my bravery for coming out in this trying time.” Absolutely not. Being gay is not an excuse for anything other than choosing exclusively Whitney Houston songs at karaoke. Not only is Spacey himself cancelled, but he also fucked up the final season of House of Cards, and that is a crime against Netflix and humanity. President Robin Wright, please save us from this mess.

6. Quentin Tarantino

File this one under “shoulda seen it coming.” While allegations against Tarantino have not been of the sexual misconduct nature, they certainly fall in line with a powerful man abusing his position and personally inflicting or putting women in harm’s way. Uma Thurman spoke to the NY Times about the abuse she endured on the set of Kill Bill, including Tarantino spitting in her face and choking her with a chain to coax a more convincing acting performance, and purposefully endangering her by insisting she perform a stunt in a dangerous car that led to her crashing and permanently damaging her neck and knees. If karma serves him right, I have a feeling a bunch of women are about to metaphorically go all Kill Bill on his ass.

7. Ed Westwick

One word. Eight letters. Say it and you’re officially done. Predator. It really cuts deep when the subject of most of your teenage sexual fantasies turns out to be yet another link in the chain. Remember when Chuck Bass forced himself on Jenny Humphrey? Well you know what they say about art imitating life. You know you love me, XOXO Gossip Betch.

8. Arie Luyendyk Jr.

Alright so, Arie hasn’t actually done anything terrible (yet) so don’t freak out and condemn him. I’m just saying we should cancel him because like…have you been paying attention to this season of The Bachelor? He’s honestly pretty creepy and gross when he “flirts” while trying to kiss each and every girl’s entire face in one gulp, so I’m not counting him out on the “Time might be Up” list just yet. Don’t @ me. Just accept that he’s not Peter a slimy dude who broke up with his long term girlfriend to be the elderly Bachelor and join in my judgment if you know what’s good for you.

9. A Shit-ton Of Directors And Producers

One Tree Hill? Run by a sexual harasser. Creator of Mad Men? Misconduct allegations. Roman Polanski, James Toback, Brett Ratner, even the head of Disney Animation? You guessed it. IDK what it is about men who already get to boss people around as a job needing a little extra fix, but I can safely say I’m never setting foot near a film set because those things are clearly booby traps full of douchebags waiting to assault you at every turn. No thanks. You can go shave your back now.

10. Donald Trump

While he hasn’t been officially cancelled yet, what is the hold up, people?! The fact that the President of the United States has been accused of sexual assault by 19 different women, and reportedly paid off a porn star after he had an affair with her right after his wife gave birth. This should matter. Why does nothing matter?! Never did I think I would root so hard for evidence that our government colluded with Russia, but I’m afraid that might be our only hope. When the day comes that the country starts paying attention to removing predators from positions of political power, I’ll have a Pussy Hat and a Time’s Up pin waiting with your name on it.

Turns Out James Franco Is Both Annoying And Creepy

It’s a new day in Hollywood, which means there are new accusations against a powerful Hollywood man. And surprise surprise, betches, that man is James Franco, someone who’s made me make this face:

For 10 years now. Following the Golden Globes, five women came forward being like, “SNATCH THAT TIME’S UP PIN OFF THIS ASSHOLE’S LAPEL, because he does not deserve to be wearing it.”

Franco, who’s like built a reputation on being sooo busy, found time to run an acting school called Studio 4 that had a class, amongst others, called Sex Scene Master Class. You’re allowed to pause, give that a huge side eye, and now continue reading. He allegedly abused his power dynamic as teacher by telling girls to take off their tops and would get angry when they wouldn’t. One woman who starred opposite him in a film claimed he majorly crossed the line when he removed her protective plastic genital shield during an orgy scene where he was simulating oral sex on her. So it sounds like Franco is exactly what he looks like? A creep.

Of course he is denying everything because that’s par for course with these types of ghoulish men. Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers both were like, point blank, “are you a creep?” And he had the audacity to say he wasn’t, but if he was, he’d take responsibility for it. Biiiittcchhhh.

We all remember when he slid into a 17-year-old’s DMs on Instagram, asking her how old she was and where her hotel room was? When she was like, “honey I literally just got my drivers license, back off,” he did not back off and continued to digitally hover on her ‘gram. He obvs got caught doing that because he wasn’t slick enough to be doing any of this in the DMs and when he was called out, he claimed that “social media is tricky.” Honey, social media might be tricky, but being a pedophile isn’t,

So flush your Freaks & Geeks DVDs down the toilet, because we’re done with Franco. You can get your Busy Phillips fix from her Instagram stories. Or like, keep the DVDS, but have a frank converation with yourself about how worshipping the men in shows like this gives them the power to abuse for many years after the show is cancelled. Franco has lived up to his movie’s name and is truly a disaster artist. Bye.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

We’re Officially Adding Mario Batali To The Sexual Harasser Menu

Another day, another powerful man copping to being a sex pervert. This time it’s chef/restaurateur/TV personality Mario Batali, known for wearing orange crocs, helping launch the Food Network and being the guy your mom thinks is “so funny.”

According to reports, four women say that Batali sexually harassed them. Two say that he groped them at industry parties, while the others say he did things like ask them to straddle him or grabbing them from behind in an unwelcome bear hug. I can’t imagine physical contact with Mario Batali ever being welcomed, but it’s made decidedly worse when three of the women worked for him when they said the harassment took place.

Again, this is sadly unremarkable. I don’t know if rising to power puts it in men’s heads that they’re entitled to sexual attention, or if being fine with groping women is part of the personality needed to achieve that kind of success in the first place. Probably a little of both. But what’s shocking about this case in particular is not just the apology he issued, but the way he did it (emphasis mine):

I apologize to the people I have mistreated and hurt. Although the identities of most of the individuals mentioned in these stories have not been revealed to me, much of the behavior described does, in fact, match up with ways I have acted. That behavior was wrong and there are no excuses. I take full responsibility and am deeply sorry for any pain, humiliation or discomfort I have caused to my peers, employees, customers, friends and family.”

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. He doesn’t even know who did it or when it happened, but is apparently such a gross asshole that “yeah, uh, that sounds about like something I’ve definitely done,” is something that he’s comfortable saying. How many boobs has he grabbed?!? Mario, my man. I get it, boobs are great, and you wanna see them all. Extremely same. But like, they’re not that different. The boobs women allow you to see are not so meaningfully different from the ones they don’t that it warrants violating someone’s personal space and autonomy to find out for sure. They’re not gonna squirt out chocolate syrup if you squeeze them.

Batali owns 26 restaurants worldwide, and said that he’s “stepping away” from operational duties. Batali & Bastianich Hospitality Group also said that despite having sexual harassment training and policies on the books for 10 years (lol), they’ll contract an outside firm to assist employees who want to make any further claims. The Food Network has shelved plans to re-launch his Molto Mario TV show, and ABC announced that they’ve asked him to step away from The Chew, a show he’s presumably on but that I can’t be bothered to Google.

In October of this year, when Harvey Weinstein and our current president were more or less the only high-profile men publicly accused of being sex monsters, Batali talked to Fast Company about combating sexual harassment in the workplace. Go ahead and watch the video if you want to laugh-cry.

Head Pro only exists on the internet, where he’s incapable of groping you (not that he would). Feel free to email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!