5 Childhood Crushes Who Turned Out To Be Complete Trash

Cancel culture is by far the best thing to come out of the last decade. Sure, in some cases it can be hurtful and uncalled for, but so is polishing off an entire box of wine over the course of 72 hours. What’s your point? I, for one, am living for cancel culture, and not just because it speaks to the blackest, pettiest parts of my heart (though that is certainly a plus). There’s something to be said for holding people accountable for their actions, for holding a mirror up to all of their wrongs and saying “you know why, YOU KNOW WHY.” And in the past decade, no one has been called out more for their bullsh*t than powerful men, especially in Hollywood. Canceling sexy, powerful men (aside from being a sexual fetish of mine) feels like a long time coming and a necessary part of moving forward as a society. My vote has always been to isolate the men in an underground bunker and only let them out for breeding purposes or until they’ve learned to behave themselves, but my therapist calls this plan “troubling” and “something to discuss in our next session.” For now, I suppose, I’ll just have to settle for tarnishing their reputations and banishing their names and negative energy from the mainstream media. Sighs.

So, as we approach a new year and a new decade, let’s take a look at all of the men we need to cancel forever and finally leave behind (to hopefully eat sh*t and die):

James Franco

James Franco

Talk about a 10 year challenge. No one has aged less well than James Franco. I’m not gonna lie, but back in the day I was a huge fan of Franco’s, and that had everything to do with his role as tortured (but sexy) knight in the romantic drama Tristian & Isolde. But little did I know that while I was swooning over hot beach sex and painful British accents, our boy James was out here allegedly manipulating and sexually exploiting the struggling, young actresses of LA. This is why we can’t have nice things, James!! 

Back in 2018, and in the wake of #MeToo, several women from James’ acting school, Studio 4, came forward and alleged that this highly esteemed “school” was actually just an elaborate ploy to take advantage of young women. Furthermore, the $300 highly sought after “classes” taught at his “school” allegedly involved women disrobing in front of James and his pals. Hmm. This feels less like honing one’s craft and more like a page out of Harvey Weinstein’s playbook, but okay. Recently, two of the five women who came forward filed a lawsuit against James and I’m really hoping they take him for everything he’s worth. I always say, there’s no better way to start a new year than by watching a man be financially ruined. Cheers!

Nate Parker

Nate Parker

I was today years old when I found out that Nate Parker, actor and former man of my dreams, is actually a flaming piece of sh*t. For those of you who don’t know, Nate Parker rose to fame after his role in The Great Debaters and, more recently, The Birth of a Nation. But I know him from Beyond the Lights, an OSCAR WORTHY movie, about hip-hop artist Noni who doesn’t want to be anyone’s music video hoe, she just wants to get back to making real music, and the sexy but sensitive cop who helps her find herself. So, as I’m sitting here WEEPING at the scene where Nate Parker whispers “I see you” to Noni, I find out that in real life Nate Parker has a very dark and troubling past that involves allegedly sexually assaulting a woman in college. 

While attending Penn State in the late 1990s, Parker and his wrestling buddy were accused, and actually tried in a court of law, of raping a female student. Parker was found not guilty while his pal was found guilty, only to have his conviction overturned. With all the hype surrounding Parker’s new movie, The Birth of a Nation, the case has come back into the spotlight with renewed interest, and the information surrounding the case is… troubling to say the least. The victim alleged that she was too drunk to consent to sex, and that after she accused Parker and his friend of rape, she was harassed on campus by Parker and his friends so much so that she “feared for her life.” I’m not going to get into the full story here, but if you’d like to read more about the case (and you absolutely should) then this Vulture article is a great read. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go quietly weep for Noni and her monster of a prince charming.

Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt

First of all, I’d just like to say that I was never a fan of Brad’s. Not only do I think his acting is subpar (I said what I said!), but it goes against every bone of my deeply feminist body to support a philanderer like him. I have to save that kind of compassion and forgiveness for my own romantic relationships with cheating assholes, obviously. That said, he is good-looking, and in the last 10 years he has done nothing but further sully his own reputation so, congratulations Brad, you made my hit list. Bravo. 

I think by now we all remember the infamous plane incident of 2016 that resulted in Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting a divorce after nearly 12 years together and Brad being investigated by the FBI for child abuse. But just in case you need a refresher, in 2016 Brad allegedly got into a drunken fight with Angelina (he was drunk; she was not) on the family’s private plane on the way home from France. An anonymous person then reported Brad to Los Angeles DCFS and claimed that Brad “attacked” their 15-year-old son Maddox during said fight. Apparently, Maddox jumped into the fight to verbally defend his mom when Brad “lunged at the boy.” Brad has vehemently denied hitting his son, though he does admit to being drunk and yelling at people. Since the incident, Brad has undergone a stint in rehab while Angelina has pushed for full custody of their kids in the divorce. Yikes. And to think I thought his low as a human being was when he copied his girlfriend Gwyneth’s haircut that one time, but it’s good to know I can still be proven wrong. 

Ed Westwick

Ed westwick

Chuck Bass is the reason I, a grown-ass woman in her late 20s, still consistently match with 23-year-olds in polo shirts on Hinge. So, it shocked me to find out that the man who plays a borderline sociopathic asshole who likes to intimidate and force himself upon unsuspecting women was allegedly, in real life, a borderline sociopathic asshole who likes to intimidate and force himself upon unsuspecting women. What is that saying about art imitating life? In 2018, actress Katrina Cohen came forward on Facebook and alleged that Westwick had raped her in 2015. In the Facebook post she says that the reason she didn’t come forward until after #MeToo was because she was persuaded into believing she was somehow complicit in her attack and that making accusations against the actor would kill her own career. No charges were ever filed due to “insufficient evidence” but the accusation itself is upsetting and troubling and reason enough for all of us to stop incorporating a whispered “I’m Chuck Bass” into foreplay (or is that just me?). Hey, Ed? You can go Chuck yourself now, mmkay?

Chris Soules

Chris Soules

Remember when the Bachelor was actually America’s most eligible man and not just a flaming piece of garbage masquerading as a very attractive human man? No? Me either. Chris Soules was the Bachelor back in 2014 but his most recent claim to fame is that he accidentally ran someone over—and killed him!—as a result of drinking and driving. Wow, do we think Becca Tilley is feeling blessed that she never received that final rose, or what? Chris, always the gentleman, took responsibility for his actions by evading charges at all costs. At one point his lawyers even claimed that the law he violated (leaving the scene of a hit and run) was actually unconstitutional because it, like, got him in trouble. Look, this is a thing I say when my barista f*cks up my order and puts three pumps instead of two pumps into my peppermint mocha, and in that instance, is totally valid. When it’s not valid? Manslaughter. Here’s hoping that in the new year he’s properly banished back to the Iowa cornfield from whence he crawled out of. 

Sadly, I’m sure there are many more Hollywood hotties who could have made this list, but truthfully I’m afraid if I include any more I’ll slip into another rage blackout and accidentally burn this entire world to the ground. Anyway, can’t wait to see what the new decade brings! Hopefully it’s a continuance of believing women and holding men accountable for their disgusting, damaging, and just, like, really illegal behavior. Cheers to the new year!!

Images: Shutterstock.com (5)

Gwyneth Paltrow & Angelina Jolie’s Allegations Against Harvey Weinstein Are So Gross

Last week, Hollywood learned what any woman who has ever just tried to go out dancing without being bothered has known for a long time: Creepy dudes are fucking everywhere, especially in high places. Harvey Weinstein, the gelatinous blob/co-owner of The Weinstein Company, one of Hollywood’s biggest production companies, was fired after a New York Times piece detailing decades of sexual harassment allegations and settlements was published. I’d say that I was surprised, but then I remembered who is president and I guess I’m not surprised at all. And as if 13 allegations of sexual harassment dating back to the 1990s weren’t enough, the allegations have been corroborated by A-List actors like Ashley Judd, and now Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie are stepping forward.

While all the allegations against Weinstein are extremely vomit-inducing (one literally involves him trapping a woman in the kitchen of a restaurant and masturbating in front of her), Gwyneth’s are especially shocking, given her close connection to the Weinstein Company and status as the “First Lady of Miramax” in the 90s.

Here’s what Gwyneth said went down. Make sure you’re near a bucket in case you feel the sudden urge to puke:

Gwyneth was 22 and on a trip to LA when she received a schedule from her agents for a “hotel meeting” with Weinstein. Obviously, Gwyneth didn’t think this would be sexual because she considered him a mentor and like, one does not typically receive a Google Cal invite (or whatever the 1990s equivalent was) for sexual harassment. A page? Whatever, that’s not important.

When Gwyneth arrived at Weinstein’s hotel he “tried to massage her” (EW) and “invited her into the bedroom” (EW). Casual reminder that Gwyneth is literally engaged to 90s-era Brad Pitt at this time, and Harvey Weinstein looks like Silly Putty that has been formed into the shape of a man so like…needless to say, she was not interested.

After rejecting his incredibly gross advances, Gwyneth told Brad Pitt (like ya do), who then approached Weinstein at a movie premiere and told him to “never touch Ms. Paltrow again,” further proving that 90s-era Brad Pitt can literally get it any time.

Weinstein then went full guilty fuckboy human scumbag on Gwyneth, “berating” her over the phone phone for telling Pitt about the episode. Reminder that Gwyneth is a 22-year-old nobody at this point, and not the 46-year-old A-list star/GOOP mogul she is today, so she legitimately had reason to fear for her career.

“I was expected to keep the secret,” Gwyneth said. She would go on to win an Academy Award for her role in Shakespeare In Love, a film produced by Weinstein. There are even pics of her having to stand next to him while holding her award, which is like, definitely a metaphor for the complex nature of career womanhood or some shit.

We have less details about Angelina’s story, but here’s what she told the press:

During the late 90s release of Playing By Heart, Weinstein made “unwanted advances” on her in a hotel room, which she then rejected because “getting rejected by beautiful, talented women” is kind of Harvey Weinstein’s thing.

“I had a bad experiences with Harvey Weinstein in my youth, and as a result, chose never to work with him again and warn others when they did,” Jolie said in an email.

Sidenote: Is Harvey Weinstein specifically obsessed with harassing women who have gotten married to Brad Pitt, or does he just harass so many women that, statistically, a few of them will have been married to Brad Pitt? Probs the latter, but who knows?

These allegations, in combination with those made public by Ashley Judd and the New York Times, paint an extremely grim picture of life as a Hollywood starlet, and that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that literally everybody knew.

Weinstein’s behavior was apparently an “open secret” in Hollywood, with Seth McFarlane literally joking about it while hosting the Oscars in 2013.

“Congratulations, you five ladies no longer have to pretend to be attracted to Harvey Weinstein,” McFarlane joked while reading the nominees for Best Actress. He also performed a musical number called “We Saw Your Boobs” directed at nominees during that same Oscars. Color me not surprised that the guy who is still making Family Guy‘s humor is stuck in the early 2000s and also the human equivalent of drugstore sushi.

The saddest part of all of this, of course, is that there are Harvey Weinsteins pulling this kind of fuckery, and Seth McFarlanes joking about/covering up said fuckery, at every level. I mean, just think for two seconds and you can probably come up with your very own Harvey Weinstein. These low-level Weinsteins are just as gross, but not even able to put you in an Academy Award-winning film, so they are somehow even more useless than Weinstein himself, who is pretty fucking useless.

If these allegations make you depressed to be a woman, that’s understandable, but take comfort in the fact that there are literally one million reasons to be depressed to be a woman every single day, so at least you know how to handle these things when they come up.

Read: 3 Terrifying Pieces Of Anti-Woman Legislation You Need To Know About Right Now