Close your eyes and think back with us to early 2015. It was a gentler time in the world. Crop tops weren’t played out. We thought Jeb(!) Bush might be the next President. And Taylor Swift still seemed like kind of a cool person (emphasis on the kind of.) Then one of our fav couples, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, announced they were divorcing and we were all like, “There’s nothing that could be worse than this. Not even Donald Trump being president, which would never happen anyway. Now please excuse my while I enroll in Obamacare.”
If, for some reason, you don’t already have every detail of the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Garner relationship memorized, here’s a refesher: Jen and Ben got together in 2004. They were both fresh out of long-term relationships. Jen had broken things off with the dude who plays Jake Ballard on Scandal, and Ben had ended a v high-profile engagement with J Lo, probably after discovering that she was going to use the giant engagement ring he bought her as the cornerstone of a spell to stay young forever. Which totally worked, BTW. While immediately trading one Jennifer for another is kind of a shady move, they were a great couple together. It seemed like happily ever after, with three beautiful children and a fairly low-key life. Kind of boring, but aren’t all healthy relationships? Sadly, in 2015, everything fell apart. The divorce went public, and before long Ben was fucking nannies on TMZ.
Only thing is, it never really seemed that over. Any betch whose ever been in an on-again-off-again thing could spot all the telltale signs of not really being broken up. First off, they never stopped spending time together, always saying that they were doing what was” best for the kids.” Because living in a big-ass house and going on lavish vacations with someone who you publicly claim you’re not into anymore is a totally standard environement for children. #RichPeopleThings.
Now reports are surfacing that the divorce has been called off, and that Bennifer 2.0 are trying to work through their issues. Honestly, we’re just exhausted at this point. Like, I already spent the last year and a half going over on data trying to get my sister and her ex to admit they’re still together. I can’t go through that all over again with celebs. And while we obviously hope for their sake they can work things out, how does it take two years to get to this point? Hollywood divorces usually take a long time, but really? Whatever happens, Jennifer definitely won’t let Ben get anywhere near a hot nanny this time. That’s for fucking sure.
So, what do we think? In a world of celebrity divorces, will this one just be a false alarm? Maybe, maybe not. But if Beyoncé and Jay Z made it through whatever she was singing about on Lemonade, Ben and Jen should be fine.
The Weeknd turns 27 today, so last weekend he celebrated as any functioning adult would: a huge surprise party at Dave & Buster’s in Hollywood. Yeah, that happened. The same guy who sings about codeine and people being tied up spent his birthday eating shitty chicken fingers and trying to win enough tickets to buy a blender.
In attendance were The Weeknd’s rapper friends Big Sean and 2 Chainz, who we can honestly imagine being really fucking good at Dance Dance Revolution. Unfortunately, Selena Gomez was in New York for fashion week, so she couldn’t be there. But she made sure her presence was felt by picking up the $30,000 bill for the party on her credit card.
There’s a lot to unpack here. First, how the FUCK do you spend $30,000 in one night at Dave & Buster’s? That’s like, a full year’s salary for a shitty teaching job. Sure, Dave & Buster’s is fun for like, a camp counselor staff party, but it’s not that fun that you should be spending long enough to rack up a $30,000 tab. Seriously, WTF were you doing in there? If that 30K figure included the drug budget, then I could maybe see it. But even then, it’s a stretch.
Secondly, of course it was nice for Selena to pay for the party, but being at fashion week honestly seems like a very Bella Hadid excuse. Like sorry Selena Gomez, but what do you have going on at New York Fashion Week that’s soooo pressing you couldn’t catch a red-eye to LA for the night? She’s obviously not hurting for money. Then again, I would make up any bullshit excuse to not have to spend an evening at an arcade. So, I get it.
I’m getting cheese fries Selena’s birthday is in July and we expect a whole Chuck E. Cheese to be rented out. Go big or go home, right?
In his classic “whore-myself-out-on-social-media” way, Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson announced that he and girlfriend Ciara are engaged.
The power couple got engaged just like any normal couple: on a private beach in the Seychelles with the Indian Ocean in the background.
I mean, COME ON.
Russell Wilson and Ciara are no strangers to sharing their love lives on Instagram. Like the Kardashians, but with talent. And class. And less plastic. Which actually makes them arguably the most boring couple in the NFL, but they’re still an incredibly attractive couple.
And kind of cute, if you’re into that sort of thing.
This is the first engagement for Russell Wilson, but the second for Ciara, who has a child with rapper Future.
Check out more photos and videos of their “intimate” engagement trip. “Intimate” in quotes because Wilson is famously saving himself for marriage. Which just makes you wonder…