If there’s something everyone goes nuts over during the holiday season, it’s the ugly holiday sweater fad. TBH, IDK how or why this is even a thing, because every year I’m asked to wear one, I’d probs rather die. They’re literally never cute, and looking ugly at a party is not my aesthetic or sense of humor. I seriously go out when I need a boost of confidence because I know some drunk girl is going to make me feel like Beyoncé in the bathroom. However, like some of the worst trends of our time (unicorns, mom jeans, rubber slides), there’s no escaping this one either. If you’re going to this year’s SantaCon, favorite frat’s mixer, or cliché company party, you’re def going to need a non-fugly ugly holiday sweater, so here are 5 styles that you’ll actually want to Insta.
‘Tis the season for all that is cuffing-related, so if you’re not ashamed of letting your forever current relationship status show, you’ll want one that lets every man in the building know you’re ready to mingle after you’ve had four vodka sodas. The knit style is comfortable, kind of cute in a non-atrocious way, and actually gives back to the Boys & Girls Clubs of America when you buy it. You’re getting and giving in one shot, happy fucking holidays.
If wearing cheesy holiday designs and patterns makes you wanna vom (hi), then you can still go for a neutral holiday pattern and call it ugly. No one will question it, I promise. This soft knit sweater features a rounded neck and dropped shoulders for a casual and relaxed fit. You can totes wear it again outside of the holidays with its matching skirt or your comfiest leggings.
This is probs the cheesiest of my selections, but I’m trying to remain unbiased since this is probably of interest to some of you. It’s not the ugliest sweater I’ve seen, tbh, and it still makes you look like you have some sort of fashion sense with its trending choker neckline. You will most definitely get a shit ton of compliments on this (you’re fucking welcome) and put your friends’ sweaters to goddamn shame.
Yes, I know other holidays besides Christmas happen in December. Sooo, for my Jewish betches, I’ve found a moderately fetch, slightly humorous holiday sweater to ring in this year’s Hanukkah celebration. Don’t let the “men’s” category throw you off, because tbh, we all know that somehow, someway, men’s sweaters and hoodies are often way comfier than the shit we’re offered. You’re obvs getting lit this season, so this bright-colored cotton crewneck gets the job done. Just order a size down from your norm and mazel tov.
From yours truly, the Betches have the most non-fugly ugly Christmas sweater you’ll want to get ASAP. Since we know bright colors, sexualized Santa, and other shit are just fucking weird, this classic white style is lined in fleece and tells it like it is. Duh.
I’ve never been an “America, fuck yeah” type of person, but if there’s an unhealthy amount of Bud Light, fireworks, and drunken swimming involved, fuck yeah, you can count me in. Even if it means pretending I know how old America is (it’ll be 241 years old, btw, not 2,017 I just Googled it to be sure, idiot). Since I barely remember what the Declaration of Independence is—like sorry, I don’t even remember last night—I’ll resort to wearing a semi-patriotic outfit just for this one day. I respect all of the time and effort people have put in to give us greedy Americans like, the rules of feminism, the right to basically live, and all that shit, so I’m not going to dress like a wannabe slutty Wonder Woman.
Looking at you, Lady Gaga and Beyoncé…
Yeah uh…that’s def not what Betsy Ross had in mind when she designed the American flag. You want to be trashed, not look like trash. This means do not wear your sorority/fave fraternity’s stars and stripes letters, a denim skirt that might show your vag, or a muscle tank that screams white trash. You don’t want a passive-aggressive Facebook status written about you, do you? And if you’re thinking of wearing an American flag bikini, you’re dead to me. Since it’s basically only a week away and we need to keep online shipping in mind, here’s what you should wear for America’s birthday bash if you don’t want the Founding Fathers to regret starting America in the first place.
1. L’AGENCE Cynthia Off The Shoulder Top
You don’t want to get a really dressy shirt for outdoorsy shit, i.e. day drinking and barbecuing, but you don’t want anything too casual either. This white top is perfect for tucking into your favorite high waisted denim shorts and since it’s not plastered with America, you can wear it multiple times a year. It’s classy with a hint of slutty since it’s form-fitting and slightly revealing. You’ll probs be drinking from day to night so the long sleeves will keep you warm if it gets chilly.
2. Topshop Flag Ripped Mom Shorts
Flag themed shorts are cute (I guess) since they show how much you love America, but they can also be worn to other events like all those cheesy country festivals. The length of these shorts in particular is pretty ideal because they don’t show your ass cheeks (no one wants to see them anyway, honestly). But I can’t say you won’t be lectured by your grandparents because like, how dare you wear the flag on your butt. Let me live.
3. Lovers + Friends Ocean Tides One Piece
Sport a versatile one piece swimsuit if swimming, or pretending to, is on the agenda for festivities. Wear a solid color without looking over-the-top and desperate like Taylor Swift. Pair with your fave high rise denim shorts to easily take your look to and from the water.
4. Paper London Treacle Dress
If you’re beaching it in the Hamptons or somewhere equally classy AF, wear this trendy day dress with nude wedges or low heel sandals—no stilettos or 6 inch pumps because you’re not trying to stumble around all night. It comes in black and white stripes, but who the hell can tell the difference? Just tell everyone it’s navy blue and call it a day.
5. Aldo Lolla Block Heels
Whether you’re strolling in and out of bars or embarrassing yourself at a family gathering on the Fourth, you’ll want shoes that look like you put in some sort of effort, but that won’t make you uncomfortable and have you make a fool out of yourself (although you’ll probably do that already). Use this block heel for your pop of white with any outfit you decide on. Plus, you’ll be gaining another pair of cute shoes that you can wear out again.
6. Charming Charlie Uncle Sam Choker Necklace Set
Accessorize with these fun, simple chokers you can wear all together or mix and match. Wearing shit on your head makes you look like a try-hard and/or unnecessarily extra. Pair with a red lip and you’re set to get star, spangled, hammered in style.
7. Waving American Flag Pool Float
Lastly, to guarantee those triple likes on Insta, make sure to do a sexual pose with a (v extra) waving American flag pool float, but without going full Ariel Winter. Cheers to living in a free country that’s obsessed with quality fast food and shit. May your hand always be holding a beer because like, ‘Merica.