If Your Wedding Is One Of These 7 Themes, I’m Not Coming

Wedding season is almost upon us, meaning that it is nearly time for us to spend thousands of dollars on outfits and hair in hopes that a photographer will get a good candid of you that will serve as your prof pic for the rest of time. It’s an important time. Over the next few months, every couple whose engagement photos took over your news feed this year will again flood your newsfeed with pictures of their “Under The Tuscan Sun” themed wedding, at which point you will be free to look through every possible image of the event and judge whether or not it looked fun or tacky AF. Given that every wedding occurs within a 3 month period of time, a lot of couples will go out of their way to try and make theirs stand out amongst all the outdoor-rustic-sunset-mason-jar-wilderness weddings that seem to be out there and some of them will, inevitably, be extra. Here’s our list of 7 wedding themes that absolutely stop, or at least be viciously shaded in your group chat. 

1. The Disney Wedding

We all have that one friend who is still obsessed with Disney despite the fact that they are now a grown person who does taxes and shit. When two such people inevitably meet by being placed in the same log on Splash Moutain, there will be a Disney themed wedding in your future. Either that, or the bride is just extremely overbearing and immature and the groom just doesn’t care. There are several issues with this: first off, no matter how beautiful a bride you are, or how long your fucking hair is, you are not a princess. You’re just not. When this wedding is done you and your husband will go back to your shitty apartment, make a Blue Apron, and watch Netflix. No magic carpet or castles involved. Secondly, you two are adults, and we are gathered here today to celebrate the fact that you will bang only each other for the rest of time. Let’s leave the children’s characters out of this. Third, and most importantly, it’s just not original. Google “Disney themed wedding.” Do it. Your computer will literally overheat just trying to load the results. This idea is so unoriginal that Disney literally has an entire website that is literally called DisneyWeddings.com dedicated to helping facilitate these freaks celebrate their love by pretending to be a fictional couple with troubling gender roles for a day. If you’re going to waste your wedding on a theme that screams “I am dissatisfied with my adult life” at least make it original. I know you guys want to live “happily ever after” but the way to do that is by learning about practical decision making, not whatever this bullshit is:

2. Destination Weddings

Destination weddings sound fun in theory. Who doesn’t want to go on vacation? But what they really are is a giant pain in the ass for everyone involved. Like, yes, spending a week in Bali sounds amazing, but spending a week in Bali with my high school lab partner, her new husband, and all of their extended family sounds less so. Also, I was saving up money and vacation days to go on my own fucking vacation where I could focus on me and do whatever the fuck I want. Now I gotta allocate some of my precious paid vacation and alcohol savings account to flying on Virgin America with you and 300 of your closest friends? No thank you. Just have your wedding in a nearby mansion that once housed slaves like a respectable person.

3. Harry Potter Weddings

Last year, Buzzfeed ran an article called “This Harry Potter Wedding Was Tasteful AF” and, spoiler alert, it was not (also Snape kills Dumbledore). You need only to look at the very first image of the bride and groom as Azkaban prisoners to see the truth. Harry Potter themed weddings are cute for about 5 minutes until you realize that butterbeer is actually really fattening, and “Hedwig’s Theme” is not nearly as fun to drunkenly sing along to as “Shout!” or “Hey Ya.” And look, I’m sorry, it seems like this couple spent a lot of money on this wedding and a lot of time thinking about detail but the bottom line is nobody gives a fuck. Seriously. You spent thousands of dollars on a cathedral and handmade wands for all of your guests that they will probably lose by the end of the night because, guess what, weddings are for getting drunk. Nobody will remember your golden snitch accent bracelet, or the fact that the shots came in little potion vials. They’re going to remember part of the ceremony and waking up in a cold sweat next to one of your groomsmen feeling like they just got hit by the Knight Bus. For all that money you could have gone to Harry Potter World in Orlando like four thousand times. Also don’t think I didn’t notice that you must have destroyed like 50 Harry Potter books to make that bouquet. Hermione would not be pleased.

4) Alice In Wonderland Wedding

This is a subset of the “Disney Wedding” for people who still shop at Hot Topic. We get it. You’re “dark”. You like the Disney movie that is about a little girl on an acid trip. You’re just a regular Tim Burton, aren’t you? We’re all so impressed. If you need any more proof of what type of person sends out wedding invitations that read “We’re All Mad Here!” then might I remind you that the most famous couple to ever utilize this theme was Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. Is that really who you want to be associated with? The only way that this theme could be worse if you added a Nightmare Before Christmas reception and dressed up your bridesmaids like Beetlejuice. If you really want to be edgy, don’t have a fucking wedding. No need to confuse the fuck out of your 95-year-old great aunt Muriel when instead of a priest you have a grown man in a pink cat costume reading riddles at you.

5. Rustic Hipster Barn Wedding

This wedding was really cool the first four thousand times, but now it is just over. I’m sorry. I can’t drink out of any more mason jars, and if I see another fairy light, I will explode. I don’t need to receive a free Polaroid camera with my place setting, and I definitely do not need to be dancing anywhere in the vicinity of an actual barn, farm, or livestock of any kind. Please just get a reception hall where there is no chance that I get drunk AF and wake up next to a live pig. People use these weddings to seem low-key and thrifty, but anyone who has ever been to one knows the truth. These weddings cost a shitload of money and take forever to plan. Are you seriously telling me that making your own DIY reclaimed wood place settings is more chill than just hiring a fucking wedding planner? I see you, rich hipsters. We all see you.

6. Native American Wedding (If You Are Not Native American)

When planning a Native American themed wedding, ask yourself one question: Am I Native American? Is my partner Native American? If the answer is “yes” to one or both of these questions, then proceed. If the answer is no—halt. Pause. Do not continue. Recall your invitations. It is 2017. We’re not dressing up like other cultures anymore. We’re not doing it. I get that you’re into yoga and wearing a bindi is fun, but Indian weddings are for Indian people. Same goes for Japanese weddings, no matter how “into anime” you are. Throwing an ethnic wedding for a race you are not a part of is a very good way to get on a Buzzfeed list of the 10 Most Cringeworthy Weddings or to be the subject of some righteous liberal Twitter freakout that will only end when you and every member of your family either changes their name or dies. Don’t believe me? Just ask the Shermans, whose Native American themed wedding featuring absolutely 0 Native Americans spawned this Daily Mail article and at least a thousand years of nightmares.

7. Shrek Wedding

As far as I can tell, the “Shrek Wedding” has only happened once, but I think we can all agree that humanity needs to do everything in its power to ensure that it never happens again. Why would anyone ever want to have a Shrek wedding? Honestly, I can’t say. I can’t get my mind into that place. And why would anyone, even if they were going to have a Shrek wedding, choose to dress up as Shrek and Fiona in ogre form, rather than in prince/princess form? There is truly no explanation other than that there are a lot of fucked up people in this world and sometimes two of them meet and get married. 

Read: A Strongly Worded Letter To Theme Weddings
 
How To Survive a Night Out With Hipsters

No one ever intends for it to happen. You’re out to dinner with friends, someone mentions an acquaintance’s house party and 3 tequila shots later you find yourself somewhere you never thought you’d be: a hipster’s living room. It’s not just the faint smell of pot or even the stack of vinyl records piled in the corner that gives it away; it’s the dingy window sills and overall lack of cleanliness that confirm your location. It feels more like a commune than a house with the 2-day old pizza and bags of weed out for everyone to enjoy, bathrooms lacking doors but overcompensating with incense, and home-brewed kombucha jugs lining the kitchen counters. There are no framed pictures of important events: birthdays, girls nights, nothing. What does fill the lackluster walls are homemade signs (“keep the damn door closed”) and 5”x7” prints of paintings no one outside their circle would recognize.

Now that you’ve taken in what is around you, it’s time to figure out who is around you. Hipsters are kind of like vampires in the sense that they only come out at night and are pale AF. Seeing them in their natural habitat can be both frightening and unsettling. First of all, you realize that you are the only one within sight whose outfit did not come from a garage sale. Your Tory Burch riding boots might as well be a neon sign reading “basic bitch.” The only similarity between the smorgasbord of mismatched outfits around you is the fact that none of them are worn with bras. Apparently saggy tits are in this year. Other than that, the styles range from 90’s grunge to flapper girl. Denim jackets, suspenders, crop tops, the shoes Louisa May Alcott wore, and velvet for days. You are also quick to realize that you are the only one with perfect vision (because all these bitches have glasses) and you seem to be the only one wearing any form of foundation/tinted moisturizer… the time hipsters put into their lipstick must be to blame for the neglect shown towards their shiny foreheads.

Hipster Nonsense

Pretty soon your perfect outfit, perky boobs and flawless complexion will draw the attention of the hipsters around you. They may be super high, but they can sniff out mainstream-ness in any level of consciousness. Should you run? Sudden movements will only make them paranoid. Plus, your ride home is somewhere in this house so you have no choice but to accept that you’re balls deep in hipster town. Your survival instincts will start to kick in. First, search the house for converse and oversized sweatshirts; there’s bound to be some that fit you somewhere. Run your hands all through your hair so it gets oily and stringy and pull it into a messy braid. Use whatever you can find to alter your appearance. Hats are always a good idea. Whatever you do, keep your bra on. Your Victoria’s Secret push-up is the only thing keeping you from losing your dignity.

Next, find alcohol. If all you find is an empty gin bottle (of course they’d only have fucking gin), find the closest gas station. It won’t be more than a 2 minute walk, guaranteed. For being such avid fans of growing their own food and being all natural and shit, hipsters can always be counted on to live within walking distance of modern conveniences so they can buy cigarettes and take advantage of public transportation. Once you’re there, buy something big because it has to last you the next few hours. I recommend a bottle of your favorite wine or better yet, champagne. If there was ever a time to drink champagne out of the bottle, now would be the time.

When you get back to the house, you will most likely find yourself forced into a conversation you don’t understand or care about. Mumbling things like “the 1 percent”, “farm-to-table” or even just nodding will keep you in the convo for as long as you need to be. This could also be a great time to catch up on any sleep. Hipsters may judge a bitch for being put together and having exceptional taste in makeup, clothes, etc, but they have no problem with coked-out weirdos falling asleep on their bathroom floor. So, find a couch that looks asbestos-free and sleep off this whole nightmare.

Hipster

If you should choose to stay semi-conscious during the next few hours, you’re going to have to be smart. You may find yourself tempted to dabble in the hipsters’ drugs as they start bringing out the cocaine and various pills. Taking advantage of free drugs may be fun among friends, but these people are definitely not your friends. Yes, you need to numb yourself to the fact that you are surrounded by the underbelly of society with no way out, but you can’t completely lose your inhibitions. Do you want to wake up tomorrow wrapped in the soft arms of a mustachioed mixologist? Fuck that. Talk about sleeping with the enemy…

As more and more people either start passing out or heading to another location (probably a bar too “hip” to have a name), you will most likely be able to sort through the sea of hipsters to find your (asshole) friend who brought you here and GTFO. If her eyes are glazed over and she’s using words like “typography” or is raving about the IPA she just drank, no worries. It’ll wear off soon.

When you get home, shower (really scrubbing may be necessary), check for new tattoos (real or temporary), take three Advil PM’s, download every episode of The Hills, and fall asleep to the soothing sound of Lauren Conrad’s voice. You’ll wake up refreshed, rejuvenated and last night’s events will be nothing more than a distant memory.

“Sapiosexual” Is The New Stupid Term For Straight People Who Want To Feel Special

I was just hate-reading Cosmo, as one does, when I came across an article called “6 Men And Women Get Real About What It’s Like To Be A Sapiosexual.” Because I enjoy angering myself (and because I continue to ignore my doctor’s advice to avoid stressful situations to keep my blood pressure at a healthy rate), I clicked on it. Now, I’m vaguely aware of the concept of “sapiosexuality” because I listed to one Ab Soul song one time. For those of you who don’t spend 16 hours a day on Tumblr aren’t familiar, a “sapiosexual” is defined as “a person who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing,” aka ALL FUCKING PEOPLE who would describe themselves as smart. Like, come on. You don’t find it attractive when someone is dumb as rocks? Congratulations, you’re a member of the not completely shallow section of humanity. Welcome. We’ve been here for years without trying to make up a fake-ass label for ourselves to seem “special” and “interesting.”

In case you’re like “well IDK maybe this is a real thing, who am I to judge” let’s look to the original article for clues as to why this is definitely not, in fact, a thing. And in case you’re wondering, yes I am qualified to judge given that I am God. Anywho, in this piece, Cosmo interviews six so-called sapiosexuals. Like, I don’t want to sound like a certain recently fired conservative talk show host, but if there was ever a case for the “special snowflake millennial syndrome,” this would be it right here. 

Cosmo starts with, “Sapiosexual isn’t just a buzzy word popping up on people’s OkCupid profiles, it’s a real thing.” Uh, okay. Compelling point you made that’s backed up with zero evidence other than this blanket statement and the word of a handful of millennials (we’ll get to that in a sec). 

First off, every person interviewed is between the ages of 22 and 26. That already should tell you the type of people we’re dealing with (*cough* hipsters *cough*). Here’s how a few of them describe what being a sapiosexual means to them:

Woman A: That I find a person’s intelligence, wit, grasp on academia, and worldly perspectives far more attractive than their looks.

You and literally everyone who’s gone to college.

Woman C: I identify as a sapiosexual, because to me talking about chemistry is the equivalent of talking dirty to me.

Great, you’re a nerd. Last time I checked, that’s not a sexuality.

Fancy

And here’s them on when they first “realized” they were a sapiosexual.

Woman A: Definitely early in college when I figured out what I wanted to be in my life.

Woman B: Probably when I was 20 and had just left my high school boyfriend and entered the college hook-up scene.

Woman C: I think I was 17 when I realized it.

Man C: I guess I realized I was sapiosexual in college? That’s when I really started to date women from outside my friend circles and realized what turned me on other than looks.

Okay so…. two-thirds of y’all are in or about to go to college aka an institution of higher learning when you “just happened” to realize you’re attracted to smart people? And you don’t think that could be a product of being in an environment that’s focused on learning and not, ya know, because you fall under some new sexuality category that has only been “discovered” in like, the past three years?

On what makes someone attractive to them:

Woman A: I’m attracted most to men if they can engage me in debate-like conversations (whether it’s about who the best Mario Kart character is, or discussing John Oliver).

Oh, so you’re attracted to regular fucking people who can hold a conversation.

Groundbreaking

Man C: She needs to be cute, smart, and classy

In other words…

Man C: *Goes on record to Cosmopolitan to talk about how novel his sexuality is*

Also Man C: *likes the same qualities in a woman as every fucking straight guy ever*

Yeah, that’s all I’m getting into for today. This shit is ridiculous. From what I was able to glean through the power of context clues, every single one of these people is straight, and every single one is a millennial. How much do you want to bet they’re all white? Because I’m white and even I can recognize this is some grade-A level extra white people shit. Just say intelligence is important to you—it’s not that hard.

Look. Every smart person is also attracted to smart people. That’s because generally most people want to date other people they can relate to and talk to…this is not a new concept. Could one perhaps be so into intelligence it can border on fetishism? It’s possible. Does it warrant a special sexuality label and the self-righteous belief that you’re ~different than other straight people? Fuck no. You are just a garden-variety straight person. WHICH IS FINE. Accept it! Why not just enjoy your continued privilege of being able to marry whoever you want and not get harassed or attacked for being seen with your SO in public, rather than trying to make up new sexualities so you can feel edgy and misunderstood and slightly oppressed?

Girl Bye

Yeah, you can all kindly GTFO of here with this. And I recommend to you all that if you come across a dating profile that says “sapiosexual”, RUN. Or like, swipe left.

A Company Is Marketing Gin As “Unicorn Tears” To Gullible Basic Psychos

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by basic betches and their obsession with fantasy creatures, especially fucking mermaids and unicorns. **Insert me and every normal person raising their goddamn hands** I mean, seriously what are you? An 8-year-old girl with a Limited Too and Lisa Frank obsession. Sorry for the rant… I suffer from rage blackouts. But from unicorn pasta to mermaid blankets, crowns and toast, enough is e-fucking-nough. But because the limit of extraness does not exist, we have something else to add to the list: Unicorn Tears gin. Because even psychopaths are basic these days.

Read: Your Friend Who Orders Gin & Tonics Is A Psychopath, According To Science

At first, I was just rolled my eyes at the stupid af name. But then I did some more digging and found that they’re legit selling this shit as if it’s actually the tears of a make-believe horned horse. The company who created this shit described it as “a mythical spirit” and said that it’s made from “humanely raised unicorns.” And no I’m not fucking kidding. That’s legit what the official description says, which isn’t all that surprising, because as someone in marketing I can tell you the industry is filled with extras. 

Basic

And in case that wasn’t enough, this shit glitters. Alcohol that sparkles. Like you’re a fucking freshman using your fake to pick up Goldschlager at the liquor store since you saw it in Superbad. Since when is a plain vodka soda not good enough? Despite doing the literal most, is that safe for your health? Isn’t glitter like, metal or plastic or something? Whatever. Not drinking it anyway so not my problem. But if you do, just know that in addition to being labeled the most basic of the basics, you might legit die. Don’t tell us we didn’t warn you.

Read: 5 Unicorn Makeup Products, Because If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em