Dear Betch, What Should I Put In My Hinge Profile To Attract The Best Guys?

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Hey Betches,

I have an issue. I’m 27 and just got out of a five year relationship, which basically means I have no effing clue how to do dating apps like Hinge, etc. I mean, apps weren’t even a thing when my ex and I got together, so I’ve basically spent the last five years being a smug betch with a boyfriend making fun of my single friends. Well, now I’m that person. Karma is such a betch.

I guess what I’m asking is, which dating app do I join, and what the hell am I supposed to write on my Hinge profile to attract the best dudes? I don’t want to do the hookup thing. I actually want to get OFF these stupid things ASAP. HELP!

Dear Single Betch,

Sucks to be on the other side, eh?

JK. Don’t worry Singlerella, things will be just fine for you. Since you’re a relationship-minded betch, I would highly suggest Hinge (where I met my boyfriend), for a few reasons. First of all, the dudes on there seem to be more serious, aka they will actually take you to a nice dinner at a respectable place vs a dive bar that smells like a hangover. When I went out with my now-BF Mitch (or Metch, as I have decided to call him, he had no say) he actually made a reservation. For a first date. WTF? I almost passed out from disbelief, as some of my dates from other dating apps literally brought me to places the CDC would consider biohazards.

Second, what to put on your dating app. Let me fill you in on a secret: the key to dating apps is not “attracting the best dudes.” It’s about attracting the best dude *for you*. This means that when you’re filling out your Hinge profile, you should aim to be as honest as possible about yourself. For me, this meant filling out some serious embarrassing-but-lovable crap about myself. For example, one of the prompts is “How my mother would describe me”…I was completely honest and said that my mother would say I enjoy pre-mixed margaritas like most people enjoy a fine wine, but, lo and behold, it attracted the right man and kept away the wet blankets who would force me to care about tannins. EW.

Have fun Hinge-ing…I miss those days. TBH, I updated my prompts LEGIT DAILY because I had so much fun filling them out. The only constant was “Childhood crush”…Uncle Jesse aka Jesse Kapsopolis, because let’s be honest, he’s still my #1, and even Metch knows that I have a free pass there 🙂

Send your advice questions, Hinge profile related or not, to [email protected] and we just might answer you.