It’s cold outside and you’re 5 minutes way from texting your friends and cancelling that catch-up-over-wine plan you’ve already cancelled three times. Just do it. Stay inside. Get high and google a bunch of these balls to the wall insane conspiracy theories. And then next time you actually get your shit together and go out and be social, you can tell everyone about them. You’ll sound like really, really smart. Or insane. Whatevs.
Denver Airport
Lots of people are headed to Denver to get high AF but a decent amount of loonies think that the Denver airport is also the home to Illuminati headquarters. Conspiracy nuts are convinced that the artwork is conveying a secret alien language and that the runways are purposefully laid out in a swastika. Again, this theory is probs just exacerbated because everyone there is high.
Mandela Effect
So, when Nelson Mandela was released from jail tons of people were like “WTF, wasn’t he dead?” Well, first of all, rude. He wasn’t dead. But second of all, it spurred this new theory that we are all living in multiple alternative timelines. So the people who were like “WTF, wasn’t he dead?” were remembering an occurrence from an alternative timeline that actually did happen. Scientists call this collective memory, but we aren’t getting stoney baloney to read what scientists have to say, we’re interested in conspiracy theorists in their mom’s basement making us question reality.
Katy Perry Is JonBenet Ramsey
There’s a small legion of folks who are convinced that child model JonBenet Ramsey who was brutally murdered in 1996 was actually…not murdered. And not only was she not murdered, she is now world famous pop sensation Katy Perry. I mean, could this be true? Sure. But does Katy Perry also just look like every hot girl from musical theater camp in 2003? Yes.
Stevie Wonder Isn’t Actually Blind
This one is actually incredibly fun because in trying to determine if Stevie Wonder is blind or not you get to watch dozens and dozens of his performances and there’s a reason he’s famous— he’s very talented. But some people think it’s a schtick. Blind or not he’s a musical visionary, soooo.
Area 51
I mean a reality star who got famous for putting his name on steaks and tall buildings is our president so like, I’m ready to believe that aliens are real and are being hidden in Area 51. People believe that crashed UFO crafts are kept at the government owned private land outside of Las Vegas. There is tons to be read about the mysterious plot of land and you should honestly consider having one of your Las Vegas bachelorette party activities be “breaking into Area 51.” Doesn’t that sound more fun than penis cakes?
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It’s 4/20: high schooler stoner holiday galore. But before you get ready to puff, puff, pass, make sure you’re stocked up on snacks that won’t result in next day regrets (i.e. cheese balls and a pack of bologna… I speak from experience). Having healthy grabs around will keep you from inhaling a box of Cheese-Its or polishing off a block of cheddar when the munchies hit. If you don’t have any of this shit on hand, it’s time to make a high trip to Whole Foods—nothing you haven’t done before, we’re sure.
1. Hummus
A vital part of the betch food pyramid, hummus is a dippable and delicious (AND nutritious) snack perfect for dipping carrots or pita chips in when you’re seeing sounds. Or you can eat it with a spoon and we won’t judge. Not only is that shit super high in nutrients, but it’ll also help curb the “I’m hungry” feelings.
2. Tortilla Chips And Salsa
No one knows where the blind loyalty to chips and salsa came from, but for betches, this is a bitchin snack when we’re sober, drunk, high, waiting for our burritos, etc. Salsa literally has like, no calories, and lots of tortilla chips—like On The Border brands—are organic, baked, use sea salt, and are generally healthier than other alternatives.
3. Kale Chips
You’re dying for some Lays or Cape Cod chips, but kale chips will make you feel one with the Earth AND you won’t gain 10 lbs. eating them. Either make them yourself by tossing kale with olive oil, salt, and parmesan and baking at 350F for about 15 minutes (get your hippie friend to make them—she absolutely has a recipe) or buy at—YOU GUESSED IT—Whole Foods.
4. Sweet Potato Fries
Fries are fucking amazing when you’re drunk, high, or whatever. Sweet potato fries are better for you, bring that whole sweet and salty thing, and you can eat a shit ton of them (which probs isn’t the best but whatever, it’s a holiday). Try ’em baked (LOL) which will be less calories and fat than having them fried.
5. Roasted Chickpeas
Totally poppable, full of protein, and not terrible for you, you can make roasted chickpeas yourself or buy them premade in the extra healthy aisle at Whole Foods (Trader Joe’s if you’re poor). The best part is, these can be made to taste like allllll your fav chips—salt and vinegar, classic, barbecue, pickle—WTF ever.
6. Instant Oatmeal
Cereal somehow becomes extremely appealing and crave-able when you’re hitting the jazz cabbage, and instant oatmeal is a perfect comfort food. So, heat that shit up with a little maple syrup, toasted almonds, and brown sugar and bam—not totally horrible snack to nom on. It only really requires a microwave and a few cups of water or milk, so no matter how high you are, you really can’t fuck this up.
7. Beef Jerky
So much protein! You’ll be reaching for salty goodness, so reach for something that’ll help curb the munchies and taste amazing. With the plethora of flavors out there now (chili lime, spicy, classic, bbq, teriyaki), jerky is a great high protein snack that’s totally okay to indulge in. Plus they tell them at 7-11 so you can kill two birds with one stone when your bf just needs to get his slushie and questionable pizza fix.
8. Toasted Pumpkin Seeds
You could inhale 1 cup of these and it’d still be better than most of the shit you reach for whilst chasing rainbows. You can buy them pre-toasted or do it yourself by tossing cleaned raw seeds with butter, salt, and pepper and baking in a 300F oven for 40 minutes. Shit, you can even go sweet and do butter, cinnamon, and sugar. The possibilities are endless. Honestly, though, if you’re high out of your mind (as you should be on 4/20) we do NOT recommend carving out the inside of a pumpkin with a knife or any other sharp objects.
9. Apples With Peanut Butter
A little grammar school, yes, but these won’t result in regret or water retention. Peanut butter is a go-to stoner snack and adding apples will help you slow your roll while you’re dipping into it. But like, don’t eat too much peanut butter because then it kinda negates the whole “healthy” aspect.
10. Hemp-Infused Shit
You could also always head to the store and grab hemp-infused treats like Activated SuperFood Cereal; LARABAR Organic Bar with Hazelnut, Hemp, and Cacao; or even Organic Hemp Hearts to sprinkle on literally everything. None of that shit will get you high (bummer), but it is super healthy and, like, it has hemp so whatever. It’s festive.
