WTF Is ‘Euphoria’ And Why Is Everyone Obsessed With It?

For those of you who haven’t seen Euphoria because the trailer gave you absolutely zero insight as to what this show is actually about, you are not alone. I, too, had no idea what the f*ck this show had in store for people who miss Skins and are finally old enough to have an HBOGo account. But because I am a huge Zendaya fan and had no plans on the Sunday that Euphoria premiered, I gave it a watch. And may I just say, I am blown the f*ck away? 

Because recaps aren’t really my thing and this show deserves more than that, I’m going to let you just watch it to find out what it’s about, but I will sum it up in one sentence for the purpose of this explanation. Euphoria is about 17-year-old Rue (Zendaya) who spent her summer in rehab for a nearly fatal drug overdose. I spent my junior summer working at Le Pain Quotidien, but to each her own, right? Anyway, you know how in Orange Is the New Black, Piper Chapman is obv the star of the show, but each episode is, like, about a different character? Euphoria is like that, but instead of a privileged white girl running the game, it’s Zendaya. *drops to knees* * bows down*

The main themes of this show are sex, drugs, etc. but not in a Gossip Girl kind of way that will make you physically ill from rolling your eyes so hard. Euphoria is actually at least somewhat relatable and 100% better in every way. Because this show has more layers than an ogre, I’m going to break each of these themes down to explain wtf this show is and why everyone with eyes is talking about it. Before diving in, though, I just want to say that, yes, this show is about a group of high school kids, which isn’t a novel idea for a television show, but Euphoria delves so much deeper into issues that we either have or are currently experiencing, and to me, that is why everyone is so obsessed with it. 


Ok, this needs to be said: I’ve seen more d*cks on Euphoria than I have IRL. Honestly, it’s too much at times. I’d be totally happy with no d*cks at all, but I’d def cap it at two per episode. Ok so, the sex in this show isn’t the kind of sex I’m used to seeing on TV, which is always missionary for exactly two seconds and then both parties finish at the exact same millisecond and are also perfectly satisfied with what just happened. Nopers, not in Euphoria! The sex in this show is mostly, like, concerningly violent and almost always involves some sort of v specific fetish. Like, Nate’s dad whose version of foreplay is sticking his entire hand down his victims’ partners’ throat. Also, if you’re wondering what his type is, it’s underage twinks at sketchy motels. He also films them and stores the tapes in a color-coded file cabinet. Okay, so maybe this is less of a fetish and more of a pathology? He isn’t the only one who works out his issues in the bedroom, nearly all of the characters do this and HBO literally shows it all. Another thing most shows don’t do!


We all went through a drug phase (except me, mom…) when we thought narcotics were really cool. Right? Rue even says that drugs are pretty awesome. In fact, the only real drug-related regret she has is that horrific scene when her adorable little sister found her unconscious and covered in her own vomit (been there) after an overdose (have not been there). This is another reason why people love Euphoria. Because it shows the not-so-pretty sh*t that other shows won’t! While TV dramas love drugs, most never actually give us any of the sh*t drugs do to people. It’s all just, like, quietly whispered under everyone’s breath because they don’t want to get into the horrible, terrifying, and sickening sh*t that drugs actually inflict in the people who take them. Seriously, drugs are not pretty, y’all. Euphoria is all about realness and that’s evident in, like, every scene. 

Ok, that’s it from my D.A.R.E. campaign. 

Young Love

I don’t entirely know how to address this because the ~love~ on this show is def not the Friday Night Lights sh*t we grew up with. It’s like, very volatile and pretty toxic a lot of the time. But even though it’s riddled with so much violence and just generally awful sh*t, I don’t doubt that Nate really does love Maddy or that Cassie loves McKay. Like, did Nate verbally/physically attack Maddy? Yes. Are these relationships complicated af? 100%, but that’s the reason why the women feel like they can’t just walk away. I appreciate that this show proves adults can’t and shouldn’t chalk young love up to nothing serious because, at the end of the day, love is love. It doesn’t matter how old you are, and it feels real when you’re in it. Euphoria proves that in a really nuanced way that I def appreciate after two hours of listening to Jed’s bullsh*t on The Bachelorette

All in all, this show is incredible because it’s doing what no other show on television is doing. It’s an actual reflection of the ups and downs of life when you’re young. Except it actually shows the ups and downs.

Images: Giphy (3); HBO

The Stages Of Going Out The Night Before Thanksgiving

The time has come. You bid all your friends a tearful goodbye because you cannot imagine being without them for seven hours, let alone seven days. You take a crappy flight/train/car ride back home, glaring at any strangers who attempt to make conversation. Look, random 30-year-old dude, it’s great that you love Stanford, but I really just want to sleep. I’m not in the mood to talk to you about how your start-up just received angel investors and is going to revolutionize the cryptocurrency industry or whatever. Stop hitting on me or networking with me or whatever the f*ck you’re trying to do.

If you live in a dorm, arriving home means you get to enjoy your first home-cooked meal in weeks. If you live in an apartment, probably the same because of ~Postmates~. Your mom is probably already yelling at you for not helping out with the dishes (like why do I have chores again?). That’s when your high school group chat starts blowing up with “Oh my god we haven’t seen each other in forever” texts.

All you want to do is watch Netflix and sleep until Thanksgiving comes. However. There’s a plot twist. Somehow, you’ve been coerced into going out. It’s the night before Thanksgiving, the most popular time to see everyone from high school that you were hoping to never see again. (Unless you’re one of those people that goes to college with half of your high school and never makes any new friends, *cough cough* half of my high school.)

You tell your parents you’re going out, and they:

a) Get annoyed because you’re missing out on family time. How could you not want to listen to your dad and grandfather argue about politics? What about a nice game of family Monopoly? Listen, mom, it’s not my fault my friends are forcing me to go out. TBH I would much rather be taking a bath right now and watching Friends for the 400th time, but you can’t have it all

b) Try to institute a curfew, which is weird because you’re used to staying up until 7am without anyone caring. Who the hell is home by midnight anymore? Parties don’t even get fun until 11:30. Time to remind your parents that you’re a legal adult and therefore don’t have to listen to anything they tell you. You then get a whole speech about how they still pay for everything. Therefore you def do have some obligation to listen to them.

c) Remind you to stay safe. Yes, mom, haven’t done this a hundred billion times by now.

After sifting through all your clothes (because you left everything cute at school), you find a decent crop top and your biggest jacket because HOLY SH*T it is freezing outside. You go and meet up at your one friend’s house that is not currently flooded with their entire extended family.

You see all your old friends from high school, which involves lots of hugging and screaming and rapid stories about a bunch of people you don’t know so that you, and everyone else, is clear that their life is amazing. Cue pretending to care about knowing the social hierarchy of all the sororities at your school. Totally not checking Instagram and ignoring you right now.

Now the vodka is starting to hit. This is gonna be a weird f*cking night. You and your friends take a billion photos, which you post to your story mostly because you want people back at college to think you’re actually having fun over the holidays. High school 5ever!

Depending on if you live in a boring town that literally doesn’t have any bars for people under 40 or in an actually exciting city, you head to a house party or a club and prepare yourself to see everyone.

If your high school was anything like mine, all the girls were absurdly tanned, aggressively highlighted, and a ripe five pounds. The boys will inevitably be dressed in high school apparel because you should rep high school forever, obviously. Best time of your life? Right?

Suddenly, EVERYONE is there. Like, why did Alice go that blond, it looks so fake? And Jesus, Nick already has a beer gut…so much for being the star athlete in high school. Every other conversation is “Omigod so good to see you we should get lunch sometime!” Haha, bitch never talking to you again. Time for more photos!

A decent song comes on and you all start dancing. You see a guy from your high school you once were, like, in love with. Then you wonder why because you’d legit never go for him now. Ew, did you even have standards when you were 16? Seriously, who the f*ck were you?

It’s 12am and you find yourself remembering that curfew your mom gave you. You hate following rules, but honestly, everyone is so lame anyway. You accomplished your goal of seeing the two people you still care about from high school.

You hug and lie to everyone that you’ll make plans and hang out soon. Then, you hop in your Uber back home to dream about Thanksgiving. Soon, you will be eating five flavors of pie, sweet potato casserole, and stuffing. You’ll be very happy you’re not wearing a crop top too. By the time you get bored of eating Thanksgiving leftovers (is that even possible though?) you’ll be heading back to your normal life. This weird trip down memory lane will have just been a dream… until winter break when you come home and do it all again.

Images: Giphy (3); Matan Segev/Pexels

Celebrities You Never Knew Attended the Same School

Most of us dread the thought of our high school days. For me, it’s awkward memories filled with braces and embarrassing stories. I have trouble remembering a large portion of my classmates, but if I had celebrity classmates, you can bet your bottom dollar I would remember them. What I gather from reading celebrity blind items is that Hollywood is a weird incestuous place where everybody knows each other. And often times, celebrities knew each other before they become famous. Like, a bunch of them even went to the same high schools. So random. Here is a list of the most famous celebrity classmates.

1. Nicky Hilton and Lady Gaga

Back when Lady Gaga was just Stephani, she and Nicky Hilton attended Convent of the Sacred Heart, an all-girls private Catholic school in NYC. Although Paris also went to the same school, Gaga didn’t see much of her since she was older. This duo just goes to show you that even though two girls started at the same school, they ended up in the public eye in very different ways.

2. Cameron Diaz and Snoop Dogg

The two attended Long Beach Polytechnic High school in California. Back in the day, Snoop was known as Calvin Broadus, but according to Diaz, he looked very similar. She has said, “He was a year older than me… I remember him, he was very tall and skinny. He wore lots of ponytails.” She is also “pretty sure” she bought weed from him. Some things never change.

3. Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman

Not only did these two successful actors go to high school together, but they have remained friends. The two attended North Sydney Girls’ High School, an all girl’s high school in Sydney’s north shore.

4. Eddie Redmayne and Prince William

The two men attended Eton, an all-boys boarding school in England. This school is considered to be rather pretentious prestigious, costing about $46,780.80 per year. Wow. But hey, the next king and an Oscar winner deserve nothing but the best, right?

5. Sean Penn, Robert Downey Jr., Rob Lowe, and Charlie Sheen

There is clearly something in the water at this high school. These four men attended Santa Monica High School in the 1980s. Although Penn and Lowe were the only two of the four to graduate, you can’t deny that this school fostered some well-known names. For those wondering, Downey Jr. dropped out and Sheen was kicked out just a few weeks prior to graduation. Neither of those facts surprise me.

6. Liv Tyler, Kate Hudson, and Zooey Deschanel

The three attended Crossroads High School in Santa Monica. As children of celebrities, Tyler and Hudson had a lot in common and became friends growing up. Deschanel and Hudson acted in the school’s production of Don Quixote. Who would have thought the two would then go on to star in Almost Famous together? (Yes, Zooey was in it, IMDB it if you don’t believe me.) Hmm. The more you know.

7. Tupac Shakur And Jada Pinkett Smith

This is maybe not that surprising since it’s commonly known that Tupac and Jada were close. Still, Tupac and Jada attended Baltimore School for the Arts in Maryland in the mid-80s and became fast friends. On the first day of school, he introduced himself to her and according to Jada, they “hit it off from that moment on.” She reminisces on their friendship, saying that he “was one of my best friends, he was like a brother.

8. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck

If there is a better bromance in Hollywood, someone please let me know. Not only did the two attended Cambridge Rindge and Latin School in Massachusetts for high school, but they actually met in the third grade. The two have been inseparable over the years and it clearly works to their advantage, staring and co-producing countless blockbuster Netflix-worthy shows and movies.

9. Adele, Jessie J, Leona Lewis, and Amy Winehouse

These four women with powerhouse voices attended the BRIT School for Performing Arts and Technology in London. Jesse J and Adele were classmates, while Lewis and Winehouse were several years older. If you were to ask me about working on your singing, I’d say screw vocal lessons and attend this school. Who knows, maybe you’ll have some celebrity classmates of your own.

10. Adam Levine and Jonah Hill

We are ending this celebrity classmates list with a bang. Adam Levine and Jonah Hill not only attended junior high together but actually carpooled to school together. Hill said that “Our dads met in the principal’s office in junior high. We were in carpool, we lived at each other’s houses.” Since graduating, the two have remained close. Hill even officiated Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo’s wedding back in 2014.

Images: Giphy (3)

All The Ways You Can Support The March For Our Lives Tomorrow

Let me paint you a picture: just over a month after the horrific deadly shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School that killed 17 and wounded many more, lawmakers have made great strides in passing new gun violence prevention laws and making the protection of our citizens and children a top priority. There is peace and unity across party lines. Instead of guns, we use our words to get our message across. Everyone is safe and sound, and no March For Our Lives is needed. Obviously, that’s a load of fairytale bullshit. I mean, have you seen the news?

If you’re fed up with the lack of common-sense gun safety laws and want to do something about it, the students of Parkland have got ya covered. This Saturday, March 24th, is the March For Our Lives, organized by the survivors of the Florida shooting to speak out against gun violence. While the main march is in Washington D.C., there are plenty of other ways to get involved wherever you live all across the country. So delay that Saturday morning hangover for one more day – there’s important activist shit to do.

Find A March Near You

Unless you have a ton of frequent flier miles or unlimited money for bus fare, you probably won’t be able to hop over to D.C. last minute to join the official march (and if you do have those things, hit me up. This bitch needs a vacation). Luckily, there are dozens of sister (yes – the march is a woman) marches organized in different cities, so there’s bound to be at least one that’s accessible to anyone who feels like joining in.

Click here to find a march near you, and start prepping your witty protest sign now so you can get a bunch of likes on Insta from all the people impressed with how woke you are. (Make sure to tag @MarchForOurLives and @Everytown, and use the #MarchForOurLives hashtag!) I’ll offer my sign suggestion, since I’m feeling extra generous: “The only guns that should be allowed in this country are Michelle Obama’s!” You can have that idea for free, folks.

Pick Up A Copy Of Time Magazine

Yes, they still make print magazines that you can actually physically flip through instead of scrolling past some tweeted quotes from an article. How retro. Time‘s new cover features five of the Parkland shooting survivors looking hella badass and like a squad of teens from a Marvel movie who are about to reveal their superpowers and save the world. These students are not far from actual superheroes, and their intelligence and maturity is definitely worth reading about.

TIME's new cover: The school shooting generation has had enough

— TIME (@TIME) March 22, 2018

Join The National Walkout

Following the widely successful walkout a few weeks ago where thousands of students of all ages left their classes and stood in solidarity emphasizing the need for common-sense gun safety laws, another walkout will be held on April 20th. This is the anniversary of the Columbine shooting, which is one of the first mass shootings we millennials can remember. It goes without saying that this date is often significant for another reason, so let’s just hope that everyone can muster up the energy to slowly walk out, maybe with an added sense of calm and Bob Marley’s “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright” playing in the background.

In conjunction with the walkout, The Sup will also be engaging in a Facebook blackout on April 20th, standing in solidarity with the students, and also protesting Facebook’s social abuses and the spread of fake news. You can join us by turning your profile picture and cover photo black and not posting anything for 24 hours. Honestly, social media is a cesspool and only leads to getting mad about politicians’ tweets or FB stalking an ex so, like, you’re only doing yourself a favor by logging off.

Donate To The Stoneman Douglas Victims’ Fund

GoFundMe is the charity of the future. On crowdsourcing alone, the Stoneman Douglas Victims’ Fund has already raised over $4.5 million to provide relief and financial support to the victims and their families. No donation is too small, but just make sure you only donate to verified pages, otherwise you might be paying for some scammer’s new yacht, and that is definitely the opposite of charitable goodness.

Call Your Representatives

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: nothing is going to change unless we get legislators to listen to what the people are saying. You can reach your local representative by calling (201)-224-3121 and asking for the lawmaker in your state. Or, you can just go down this list of legislators who voted no to expanding background checks and making it harder for people to purchase guns. Turn it into a drinking game: take a shot for every senator you get to bitch out, and chug your drink if it sounds like they might actually change their stance.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now! 

‘Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving: A Poem About Getting Lit In Your Hometown

We all know what Thanksgiving means. It’s a time to come together with 4-400 of your worst closest relatives to scream about politics celebrate all the many things you have to be grateful for that year. The night before Thanksgiving, however, is just as drunk sacred a holiday, and TBH it’s time someone talked about it. Thanksgiving Eve is the one night a year when you can relive your high school years by hitting up local bars in your hometown and trying to see if people are still hot how the people from your high school turned out. In honor of this blessed event, we’re releasing our original poem ‘Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving. TBH, I’ll be shocked if parents don’t read this to their children for many years to come.

‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving
And all through the streets
People who haven’t spoken since high school are preparing to meet
On Instagram they’re posting new thirst traps with care
In hopes that that hot guy from freshman year will be there
Grandmas and grandpas are all snug in their beds
As visions of you as a lawyer dance in their heads
My bestie in her choker, and me in my tiny-ass dress
Had just arrived at da clurb
To get twisted AF

At the end of the bar my bestie puked in a cup
So we hauled ass to the ladies to before anyone could tell what was up
Then away to the DJ we tore in a flash
And ran straight into my high school prom date, asking to crash
At my place because he was “too drunk to go home”
So I ghosted his ass because no…just no…

As the disco ball gave light to the dance floor below
My friend goes, “These dudes are all fives we should GTFO”
When what to my wandering eye should appear—a full 7, maybe 8—if I have one more beer
I felt like I recognized him, but couldn’t tell from where
I don’t remember anyone from high school having such good hair
He’s immediately swarmed by an army of thots
I guess it pays off to be like, hometown hot
Bye, Ashley! Bye, Emma! Bye, Britney and Karen!

These chicks are too thirsty, you can see them all starin’
Surrounded by people whose names I forget
I say to my bestie, “Why hasn’t he talked to me yet?”
And then in a twinkle, I heard hometown guy say, “Do you want a drink?”
And I’m like, “Okay”

That’s when I saw him, for real in the light, and immediately texted my bestie in fright
I remember this dude! This creepy-ass dweeb! It’s the guy who got a boner in home room—what was his name?—Steve?
“Steve’s hot now!” I text, hoping not to be seen
Trying to remember if I’d ever talked to him, or if I was mean
“Do you remember me?” he asked, with a goofy-ass grin
“A little,” I answer, “Ugh—is this gin?”
Then he starts going off about how I was a bitch
And I’m like, “Hold up, Mr. 7, you’re not hot enough for this!”
Then would you believe it, this freak still wants to hook up
I send a side-eye to my friend cuz like, enough is enough
I throw my drink in his face and post his tears to my story
I’m not taking this shit, I’m not nearly that horny

Where the fuck is my friend? Oh, she’s dancing on the bar
I tell her “Steve’s over. He’s cancelled. He took it too far.”
I look around me to see all the girls I used to hate
Now I have to make conversation and be fake
Some chick named Megan tells me she just bought a house
And I’m like, “Weren’t you the girl who fainted when we dissected a mouse?”
Two girls from my track team start blabbering about their kids
And I’m like “Fuck, I need to get out of here. I’m too young for this.”
I take out my phone and I call us an Uber
Just because I’m 27 now doesn’t mean I’m gonna hang out with losers

We Irish goodbye so no one notices our disappearance
Now it’s time to go home and eat pie with my parents…

Happy Hangover Thanksgiving, from my desire to show people who barely remember me from my high school that I’m cool now, to yours!

A Ranking Of The Books We Read In High School

If you went to some fancy pants high school not located in Idaho where they actually made you read books, you’ll probably be all too familiar with the titles on this list. You either begrudgingly drudged through most of these books, or you frantically tried to track down a Spark Notes summary 15 minutes before class so you could get the jist of what was going on. If you were really lazy, you just watched the movie so no reading had to be involved whatsoever. The struggle was real in 10th grade English class, amirite?! Also, if your favorite book from high school isn’t on the list 1) calm down, weirdo and 2) I probably didn’t read it and therefore I don’t think it exists.

9. ‘Animal Farm’

Props to every freshman English teacher for trying to get 14-year-olds to wrap their heads around the 1917 Russian Revolution. Especially consdiering their only other form of reference for this time period was Anastasia. Most freshmen think it’s supposed to be some more adult version of Charolette’s Web and they are sadly very mistaken. Basically the only similarity between the two books is that there are talking barn animals. I haven’t read Charolette’s Web since third grade, but I’m pretty sure Wilbur doesn’t go rogue and try to take over the farm. Shouts out to George Orwell for dropping this and 1984 so every kid in high school has to encounter your work at some point. Luckily for those of us who were too busy trying to figure out how to force your boyfriend into doing a Promposal or talking shit about literally every person you saw throughout the day, there was a cartoon movie version of this book that you could just watch on the DL and pretend you read the book.

8. ‘The Scarlet Letter’

Hester Pynne was kind of a betch for just doing what she wanted to do and hooking up with a dude when everyone wanted her to be a boring-ass seamstress and spend her whole life alone. She loses points for hooking up with a pastor, though. Like, gross. The good thing about TSL is that it probably prepares high schoolers for the fucked up fact that women will probably always be judged for their choices when it comes to sex, and dudes who do the exact same thing are praised for being studs. #Feminism. See also: The Handmaid’s TaleThe Scarlet Letter was pretty much boring AF, but it’s part of the cultural zeitgeist where, like, a shit ton of references about it pop up all the time. Like, how great is Easy A? Speaking of Easy A, The Scarlet Letter is basically responsible for Emma Stone. Like sure, she was in Superbad, but she really came into her own in Easy A. Honestly, can this review just be about Easy A? Thanks.

7. ‘Death Of A Salesman’

Despite what the main character tells you in this Arthur Miller play, this story isn’t about how important it is to be well liked, which is too bad because as a teenager, that’s like, a much more relatable moral. Spoiler alert: the super depressing life of Willy Loman is meant to prove that the American dream isn’t real. Shout out to Mrs. Foote for teaching me that. The whole thing is depressing. Loman is super shitty and cheats on his wife. His two sons are garbage people—one of whom is named Biff, which should really tell you all you need to know about him—and then our man Free Willy just offs himself because he can’t deal with responsibility and he thinks his family will get rich off of his insurance money. He doesn’t even leave any tapes behind for them to sort out or anything. He just like, dies. Not sure who’s a worse suicidal protagonist, Willy Loman or Hannah Baker. But hey, at least this book sets high school kids up to be disappointed with life as adults. Thanks for keeping it real, Death of a Salesman.

6. ‘The Stranger’

Albert Camus’ existentialist novel tracks the main character living in French Algeria from the time his mom dies until he murders a dude on the beach and then waits out an execution in prison. Like uh, that escalated quickly. Apart from the the shooting, it’s mostly just a lot of talking about how God isn’t real and human existence doesn’t mean anything. So, yes, to answer your question, it’s super French. The emo kids in your class fucking loved this one, and would always pretend they understood it more than you, as if your understanding of literature is in any way correlated to the amount of time you spend at your local Hot Topic. Sad.

5. ‘The Picture Of Dorian Gray’

All weird theater kids in high school are obsessed with Oscar Wilde, but you probably didn’t know who he was until you had to read The Picture of Dorian Gray or like, saw his quote that’s like “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken” and used it as justification to act like a complete freak all throughout high school. Anyway, this book is about a Victorian-era fuckboy whose friend paints a portrait of him and then that portrait starts aging in his place. So, think of it as Victorian era botox, only you don’t look like a wax figure. You just stay young and hot as you terrorize London, basically. TBH I loved reading this because Oscar Wilde is the king of sassy-ass remarks. If your GBF was a Victorian author and playwright, he would be Wilde for sure. The book tries to make it seem like there’s a downside to the whole stay-young-and-hot-forever-while-your-potrait-grows-as-old-and-rotted-as-your-soul thing, but I honestly still can’t see it. The whole scenario still sounds very legit to me.

4. ‘The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn’

If you read Tom Sawyer in elementary school, then you graduated on up to Huckleberry Finn in high school. It’s the quintessential American novel or some shit, right? You probably had a class debate on if you should say the N world while referring to the book in class. AWKWARD. (The answer is no, btw. Very hard no.) This book is way too fucking long and Mark Twain wrote it colloquially so it’s basically impossible to understand some of the shit being said unless you read it out loud. What the fuck, high school English teachers? Why are you putting kids through this? Then again, it’s not that bad of a story and at least there’s enough action to keep you somewhat entertained. Also, props to Mark Twain for trying to make people in the 1800s be not racist. It’s 2017 and we’re definitely still working on that.

3. ‘The Great Gatsby’

Ugh, this fucking book makes me irrationally angry because it inspired every fucking basic to throw a Gatsby themed birthday party for themselves. In reality, those parties are much more exciting than this book. In fact, the book is kind of weird and boring in comparison to watching Leonardo DiCaprio play a rich dude who throws dope parties with Jay Z music in the background. Sure, the roaring twenties seemed amazing, and everyone likes stories about rich white people with problems. I mean, that’s how the Real Housewives franchise has such a big following, right? But in reality, the book is the very depressing story of Gatsby, the world’s most delusional dater. Honestly, it provides a very vauable lesson, that delusional dating does not work, and you’ll just end up dying and embarrassing yourself. Shouts out to every English teacher who constantly reminded you that Nick was an unreliable narrator, making the book unreadable. Like, why am I going to waste my time reading this book when I can’t even believe anything written in this book? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! This is the exact same reason I never listen to anything I hear from Ashley in gym class. It’s just unreliable.

2. ‘Lord Of The Flies’

Lord Of The Flies is a book about a group of young boys who buy tickets to a high-end luxury music festival promoted by Ja Rule, and end up stranded on an island with no food or water and have to eat each other. JK. But like, Fyre Festival definitely made this one relevant again #blessings. Anyone with even a D in high school lit could see the comparison. In reality, Lord Of The Flies is the fairly disturbing story of a group of British schoolboys who get trapped on an island (sans Ja Rule) and have to try to figure out what the fuck to do about it. Just like in actual high school, there’s one fat kid who everyone calls “Piggy” that gets shit on relentlessly by everybody as the group goes slowly insane. Unlike in high school, a boulder falls on his head and he dies. The whole thing is a big allegory for humans’ need for structure and order butting heads with their desire for power and control. Also, the dangers of being the fattest person in your friend group.

1. ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’

In a survey I did of randomly asking two people what their favorite high school read was, they both said To Kill a Mockingbird. So, I’m taking that as proof that it was the least terrible thing you were assigned to read. Also, Scout and Atticus are becoming a super popular hipster baby names so we know this book has had an impact on people. TKAM is about a little racist town in Alabama, shocker, where a black man is on trial for raping a white woman. Atticus Finch, Scout’s dad, is his lawyer and totally hot for a dad, or so I pictured. I know kids who I didn’t think could even read in high school, and yet they read this book. There was also a decent black and white movie to watch if you really couldn’t read or some shit. And Gregory Peck, who played Atticus in the movie, totally reaffirmed that Atticus was probably a hottie.

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