Well guys, we’ve had a great run, but I regret to tell you that life as we know it is over. It’s canceled, it’s done, it’s off the table until further notice. Why, you say? Because I just learned of something so horrifying that I truly no longer wish to live on this planet. Of course, I am talking about the Gamer Girl Bathwater situation, in which Instagram model/cosplayer Belle Delphine sold her used bathwater for real, actual money ($30 a jar, to be precise). Oh yeah, and it sold out. Buckle up (or just click away now, I won’t blame you), because it’s an absolutely crazy and disgusting ride.
Who Is Belle Delphine?
Belle Delphine has 4.1 million Instagram followers (and already had over 3.9 million before the bathwater incident). Her profile is filled with mostly nude pictures of herself in different wigs (pink seems to be her favorite) and schoolgirl costumes or lingerie. It’s a classic anime look, in that she both looks 12 years old and insanely horny, which I guess is a big hit with men these days. (Upon checking her page, I see that two different people I used to hook up with follow her account. Nice!) According to Insider, Delphine (who is 19 years old) “has become famous for her NSFW content, where she wears very little clothing and makes ahegao facial expressions, sometimes used in Japanese anime and manga pornography.” I’m too sad already to research ahegao, so I will take their word for it.
Delphine also briefly landed in the news back in June when she promised followers she’d create a PornHub account if she cracked 1 million likes on a photo. She succeeded, then posted a PornHub account full of videos of her playing with stuffed animals and eating a photograph of PewDiePie. (PewDiePie is a Swedish YouTuber, for those as uninformed as me.) Some might draw from this story that Delphine is an unpredictable prankster with an eye for social commentary; others might suggest Delphine is out of her motherf*cking mind. To those who are in the former camp, allow me to direct you to this YouTube compilation of Delphine’s raw egg content. What does she do to the eggs, you might ask? IDK! My eyes are still bleeding.
Why Is She Selling Her Bathwater?
Put simply, because she can. She advertised the goods on Instagram with the following caption:
“i am now selling my BATH WATER for all you THIRSTY gamer boys ? check out my new shop where im selling stuff for you!! www.belledelphinestore.com.”
While Delphine isn’t always a gamer girl (she’s a chameleon, if you will), she’s pictured here in a “GAME OVER” shirt with a video game controller and a branded “gamer girl bathwater” jar. Did she pick this particular look because she knew gamer guys were the most likely to spend money on stupid sh*t catered to their unique gamer guy horniness? Given the thousands of dollars they spend on actual video games in which women’s breasts are five times the size of their head, it’s a safe bet.
Oh, and FYI the bathwater had the following description on her website: “Bottled while I’m playing in the bath. This really is bath water. Disclaimer: This water is not for drinking and should only be used for sentimental purposes.” This will become relevant later.
How Did Gamer Girl Bathwater Go Viral?
First of all, this level of depravity is always going to attract attention. But then there’s the fact that it was so successful—the bathwater sold out in three days, Delphine reported on Twitter, and she’s still working on getting the bathwater into containers and sent off now. Delphine’s entrepreneurial spirit alone was making headlines—and then a tweet went viral that claimed 30 people had gotten herpes from drinking the bathwater.
Delphine quickly confirmed that she had only sent out one or two jars, and the account itself has confirmed that the rumor was a hoax. But many are eager to see this story get even more ridiculous than it already has, preferably in a way that punishes people who actually spent $30 on a jar of used bathwater. Two YouTubers who have received their shipments of bathwater have posted videos—this one, in which he takes a sip of said bathwater, has over 2 million views:
Basically, it’s a sh*t show start to finish—and yes, Belle Delphine will be a millionaire before the year is out. With less than six months left in 2019, this is how the world ends: not with a bang, but with a highly evolved strain of drug-resistant virus contracted by drinking a 19-year-old cosplayer’s bathwater. We don’t know if that will actually happen yet, but the fact that bathwater as merchandise exists is bad enough.
Images: @belle.delphine (2) / Instagram; @BakeRises / Twitter; PyroCynical / YouTube
Just when I thought the Coachella 2019 coverage was really, truly over, leave it to herpes to come in and ruin everything. The internet was blowing up this morning after TMZ posted a report that this year’s festival was responsible for a major spike in people seeking treatment for herpes. At first glance, it’s a funny story, because Coachella is basically two weeks of people getting f*cked up and making poor decisions in the desert. It would make sense that a disease as common as herpes would thrive in this kind of environment, but this whole story is actually just nonsense.
The source of the report is HerpAlert, a website that offers “online treatment and diagnosis” for herpes. Basically, people send pictures of their junk, and then a professional reviews the pics and decides if you have herpes. Sounds legit! According to HerpAlert, they usually only handle about 12 cases a day, but during the first two days of Coachella, their numbers soared close to 250. Also, since the start of Coachella this year, they’ve had over 1,100 cases in Palm Springs and the surrounding areas, including LA and San Diego.
While these numbers are definitely enough to get anyone’s attention, they’re pretty misleading when it comes to what herpes is actually like. Honestly, I know this stuff from my 9th grade health class, but we got some info from Dr. Robert Huizenga just to be sure. Dr. Huizenga is a physician, sexual health expert, and the author of Sex, Lies, & STDs. Basically, he knows what’s up when it comes to herpes.
First of all, the most important thing to note is that the initial spike in HerpAlert patients occurred during the first two days of the festival, which does not add up with the timeline of the onset of herpes. Dr. H says that it takes herpes symptoms three to seven days after contact to appear. Given that Coachella is a three-day festival and many of these “cases” were submitted only during day two, that is not enough time to have contracted the herpes virus while at Coachella, no matter how many people you hooked up with on the camp grounds. It just does not compute.
Second of all, and more importantly, Dr. H notes that you can’t diagnose herpes with a blood test until 14 to 30 days after contact. Sores or rashes can show up before that, and could in theory be diagnosed with this picture-sending app, but it’s not as reliable as getting an actual blood test done. Seeing as it has barely been 14 days since weekend one of Coachella, it’s very unlikely that over a thousand people all contracted herpes at the festival. If anything, this whole “Coachella herpes outbreak” story is probably just proof that people are misinformed about sexual health (or wore too much glitter near their junk and are paranoid), rather than any indicator that there’s a major herpes outbreak in Indio.
Coachella Tip: The chick with the glitter eyeshadow wearing a bikini top and feathers is totally down to hook up/give you herpes.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) April 10, 2015
Of course, everyone should go get tested regularly, whether or not they’ve been having sex in the desert, and use protection. Maybe next year Coachella should send out STI informational brochures along with the wristbands. And after you get tested, take a moment to send prayers to the poor doctor who had to review all the pictures of dirty junk that influencers were sending during Coachella. Yikes.
Images: Daniel Dvorsky / Unsplash; Giphy; @capricecrane / Twitter