Biggest surprise? I f*cking loved it. The Hills: New Beginnings is perfect to watch if you’ve missed these people, but terrible to watch if you were hoping to see them do well. And even though I could have predicted, say, Spencer not being a normal person in 2019, there were other pretty big surprises in The Hills: New Beginnings pilot. The setting: Audrina’s just gone through a divorce, Speidi is still holding on by a thread (now with babies!), and no one seems to have met Brody’s wife. It’s bleak as hell, it makes me actively sad, and yet I cannot stop watching. Here were the biggest shockers I learned from The Hills: New Beginnings episode 1.
Audrina & Justin Bobby Are STILL A THING
Audrina super casually drops that Justin Bobby was the first person to reach out to her after she got a divorce. OF COURSE HE WAS. Of course Justin Bobby is the level of douche who not only hits you up immediately after a breakup, but immediately after a divorce. Unfortunately, this is still Audrina we’re dealing with, so she sees nothing suspicious about his behavior, and is strongly considering* going on a date with him soon.
*I wrote that at the beginning of the episode. 35 minutes in, they’re on a date. Justin Bobby just said “comment allez-vous,” and I am deceased. Here’s a moment from their date:
Brody Didn’t Invite Spencer To His Wedding
If nothing else, you should watch the pilot just to hear Spencer say “in the media, we are very hated” with more bitterness than I knew he had in him. Among Spencer’s other grievances: Brody didn’t invite him to his wedding, because (per Brody) they weren’t speaking on a daily basis at that time. To be fair, Spencer does say earlier in the episode that he and Heidi were “basically in the Witness Protection Program” in Costa Rica. While that’s in no way factually accurate, I assume Spencer used it as an excuse to drop off the grid and ghost everyone he knew, including Brody. Seems like Brody noticed.
Brody’s Marriage Is A Train Wreck
Oh my god. The very first scene with Brody and his wife Kaitlynn has me screaming into a pillow because a) it’s so relatable and b) their marriage looks so very bad. Brody is in full-on avoidance mode: after coming home late the night before, he literally slept in his car to avoid being yelled at by Kaitlynn. Kaitlynn, for her part, does yell at Brody a lot and boss him around, to the point where it seems like she fundamentally doesn’t trust him to remember or do anything correctly on his own. Honestly, I’d need to see footage from the past few years to know whether or not she’s in the right.
Pamela Anderson Is Kinda Political
Apparently, Pamela Anderson moved to France after Trump was elected. Not a piece of information I expected to get from The Hills: New Beginnings. But since Pamela Anderson’s son Brandon is on this show, I have now found it out, and it surprises me. Also, she is a big believer in sage, and her eyes do not move the normal amount.
Mischa Barton Has No Real Connection To These People
Okay. I know the fakest part of all these reality shows is that none of the stars are actually friends off-camera—or in any case, that’s the fakest part of the Housewives franchise. I knew it was weird when they added Mischa Barton to a Hills reboot, but I was open-minded: maybe these people knew her more than I thought. Nope! She and Stephanie apparently have something of a history, but the other girls are more or less strangers to her. I have a feeling Mischa’s about to get the Erika Jayne treatment, aka everyone talking sh*t about how she’s an ice queen. But hello! She literally isn’t friends with them. I’d be cold as hell too.
Mischa at a Hills cocktail party:
I would’ve loved to talk more about Heidi and Spencer from this episode, but honestly nothing they’re doing is surprising. It’s upsetting, it seems like a huge cry for help, but it’s also exactly what you would expect of Speidi: Parent Edition. Kindly comment with your best guesses on everyone’s plastic surgery choices below!
Images: MTV Press; Giphy(3)
We still have over two months before the The Hills reboot premieres, but I am already 100% ready. I’ll admit, until the beginning 0f 2019, I was a Hills virgin. I had seen a random episode here and there, but I had never watched start to finish. That’s no longer the case, because I binged all six seasons in about three weeks, and I have absolutely no regrets. So when The Hills: New Beginnings actually starts, I will definitely be watching, but lucky for us, the cast is already bringing the drama. This is probably hard to imagine, but Spencer and Heidi are still causing problems.
The source of our info today is Stephanie Pratt’s podcast Pratt Cast (cute name lol), which she cohosts with Bachelornation’s Wells Adams. This is an interesting pairing, and I had no idea this podcast existed until literally today. I would say I’ll check it out, but that would be a lie. Steph revealed on a recent episode that she isn’t on speaking terms with her brother and his wife. In case you need a refresher, Stephanie is Spencer Pratt’s sister, and Spencer is married to Heidi. On the OG Hills 10 years ago (god, we’re old), Spencer and Heidi basically did what I do every time I drink Jäger and ruined their relationships with their family and friends by acting psychotic. On the show, Stephanie was often caught in the middle between being loyal to her brother and sucking up to Lauren. She can be a little bit of a thirst master general, but she always brought the drama, and for that I am thankful.
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This photo is so special to me ? 3 months ago I would have never thought that 2018 would end with so much happiness! Soooooo many years have gone by living separate lives & I am to blame. I became too independent. I’m seeing everything in a different light these days & I feel blessed that it wasn’t too late for this new chapter with my brother & Heidi ???? #family #blessed #newbeginnings
Back to the podcast and the source of this update. On the podcast, Stephanie had a lot of strong words about Spencer and Heidi. The main issue goes back to a photoshoot with the cast of The Hills, and the specifics are hilariously petty. According to Steph, Heidi opened a bottle of champagne on the set, and she shared it with everyone but her. Stephanie says that Whitney Port commented how weird the whole thing was, and that things between them just got worse from there.
“We are not on good terms. We are not on speaking terms. I do not consider them my family.”
Okay, that is a lot, and I really don’t feel like all of this emotion is coming from Heidi not pouring Stephanie a glass of champagne. Really, I have a feeling that these three haven’t actually worked through all the issues that they had the first time around on The Hills. Here’s another excerpt of what Stephanie had to say:
“I’m also not going to pretend that Spencer and Heidi are good people, like I was doing for most of the series for my parents. For the sh*t they have done to me recently, I’m done. This is why I moved to London. I’m done. I cannot live near them. They are the most toxic people I’ve ever met. They are Bonnie and Clyde till they die, so if they say the sky is black, all of us are morons for saying it’s blue.”
Stephanie also promised she wouldn’t “pussyfoot around them” on the reboot, whatever that means, and she said she plans to “expose them for who they are.” I mean, do any of us actually think Heidi and Spencer Pratt are good people? What is there really to expose? Either way, I am getting more and more excited for this reboot. What’s crazy is that, for all the horrible things Stephanie has to say right now, she and her brother were apparently on good terms until very recently. She said on the podcast that before filming the reboot, she sat down with her whole family, and they all agreed that they wouldn’t let the show tear the family apart like it did before. Welp, that comment didn’t age well!
I’m so intrigued by this whole situation, and I hope that on the show, we at least get a glimpse of what’s gone down within the Pratt family. Stephanie also said that Heidi was “horrific” to all the women in the cast while they were filming, and that she apologized to them on Heidi’s behalf. Oh my god, I’m so excited for this.
Wherever she is, I’m sure that Lauren Conrad is extremely glad she didn’t sign up for this sh*t. The Hills: New Beginnings premieres on June 24th, so let me know in the comments what you’re most excited to see.
Images: Shutterstock; @officialstephpratt / Instagram; Giphy
It has officially been eight years since the series finale of The Hills. That means it’s probably been about 10 years since you’ve actually cared about The Hills, because I think most of us can agree that’s right about when we became a Kardashian nation. Although we were all obsessed with the cast of The Hills at one point, I’m willing to bet the entire collection of LC-inspired headbands collecting dust in a drawer at my parents’ house that you aren’t keeping up with their lives now. Here’s an analysis on each of the stars, and how well they’ve stayed relevant since the finale. In other words, which cast member of The Hills has the best life now?
I may be a bit biased because I’ve admired HBIC Kristin Cavallari since like, middle school, but I think she’s the clear winner when determining which cast member from The Hills has the best life now. She may not have the most Instagram followers, but she does now have her own reality show on E! with her name in the title, and honestly, what more is there to strive for in this lifetime? Plus, her collection is sold at Nordstrom, which is pretty impressive for a reality star. I mean, even the Kardashians had to start out at Sears.
Present-day LC turned out to be almost exactly what you’d expect from the girl who didn’t go to Paris. She now has a mom haircut and a beige Instagram aesthetic consisting of images that look like the photos that come inside frames at Kohl’s. Oh, and yes, she’s still selling floral chiffon wrap dresses there. Like I said, Lauren’s life is exactly what we all predicted it would be: overwhelmingly average. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t take your staged Teen Vogue internship more seriously; if she played her cards right, she could have founded Glossier or something.
Analyzing Spencer Pratt’s life in 2018 is tricky business. I mean, it’s been a whirlwind. He definitely gets talked about more than most of the cast members, but that’s because he’s actively working on a campaign to Make Speidi Famous Again. It used to be exciting to get a retweet or a Snapchat from Spencer, until you realized that he retweets and Snapchats literally everyone and then retweets all of their “Oh my god, Spencer Pratt just tweeted at me” tweets. (Say tweet again. Tweet.) Sure, his crystal business, hummingbird obsession, and dedication to wearing the same tie dye shirt everyday is amusing, but he has got to step it up if he wants to remain relevant for much longer. Ultimately, I’m really hoping it’s soon revealed that he and Heidi are cult leaders of like, a Taylor Swift fan club or something. Anything else would be a disappointment, tbh.
Audrina has definitely stayed the most consistent with her personal brand over the years, which you have to give her credit for. Even her sponsored posts are pretty on-brand; they’re all like, açai snacks and sh*t. Audrina has a really trendy baby and a line of swimwear that nobody’s really ever heard of because it’s designed exclusively for people who are always on vacation and “just can’t seem to gain weight!” She has also rekindled her romance with Ryan Cabrera. I know that the first time they dated, it was probably arranged by MTV, but this time seems like the real deal. The most they’ve gotten out of it so far is like, a PEOPLE feature. I wish them a joyful lifetime of well-intended Instagram captions riddled with spelling and grammatical errors.
Justin Bobby Brescia
Justin Bobby has a private Instagram at the moment, which is either the definition of “doing well in life” or “serial killer”. I would do anything for one more scene of him and Audrina at the beach (wearing combat boots, of course), while he mutters some actually kind of legit stuff about how Instagram should be a means to express oneself and not sell superficial sh*t. Last I heard, he was touring with his band and before that, he was a hairdresser. Obviously, he’d be higher up on this list if he was doing something more public, but that would totally ruin the magic of Justin Bobby.
Awesome Tour .. thank you to everyone who came out and worked on these shows , booking agent Seth Conner and the Ladies for their continuous Smiles and support ???? Last Show Tonight! @thecirclebar 9pm #NewOrleans #NoLa #Louisiana #BobbyrocK #Alternative #Punk #Rock #Live✌???? – Next Tour #Australia Aug 22-Sept 3 #Melbourne #Sydney #ByronBay
Although he’s only like, the fourth most relevant Jenner, Brody is actually pretty high up on the f*ckboy totem pole, because he gets to DJ at Martin Garrix’s Vegas residency. He recently married a social media influencer, but Caitlyn Jenner did not attend, which is pretty messed up. Although Brody’s not really doing anything that any of us care about right now, I’m still hopeful that he’ll leak all the details of the Avril Lavigne Conspiracy Theory in the near future.
Heidi is definitely The Hills alum that has made the most typical foray into former reality star social media territory. Her #sponcon includes FabFitFun boxes and cleanse shakes, so she’s basically on the same level as someone who gets eliminated on the second night of The Bachelor. Right now, she’s spending the majority of her time wearing weird sun hats and retweeting fan-made petitions to stop Warner Music from removing her songs from iTunes and other streaming services. That is so profoundly depressing on many levels.
Jason surprisingly might be one of the most inspirational people to come out of The Hills. He’s publicly made his struggle with addiction a way to inspire others to become sober. You may have seen him on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. He’s definitely not really famous anymore, but he had a kid and got married. You win some, you lose some.
I honestly have no idea what Stephanie Pratt is really up to these days. A light lurk through her Instagram didn’t provide the answers, and I don’t think that this necessarily deserves a full Google search, so I’ll leave you guys with this. It seems like she’s living in London or something, and she’s had a pretty successful glow-up. It’s always refreshing to see a supporting cast member of a reality show actually get flawless plastic surgery, because they usually end up on an episode of Botched.
Lo is the founder of a women’s health company and has a blog called TheLoDown.com. I personally don’t believe that using your own first name as a play on words for vaginal health is the best way to ride the limited success you’ve received from a reality show, but to each her own.
To be totally transparent, I just had to Google Whitney Port to see what she’s up to these days, and that is never a good sign. She’s currently maintaining the social media presence of a travel blogger, but without the carefully curated aesthetic. IDK, I don’t really have much to say here, sorry.
When you think about it, Instagram has really evolved. It started as a platform for us to share pictures of our chevron nail art with the Nashville filter, and now it’s a lucrative way to exploit the shit out of your non-consenting baby. While most people just post tons of pictures of their kids to get more likes, celebrities have the unique opportunity to trick thousands of people into following an Instagram account for their kid, and thus, the world of celebrity baby Instagram accounts was born.
The concept of celebrity baby Instagram accounts is pretty dark when you think about it. First of all, half of them are verified accounts, even though the kid has no idea what Instagram even is. Secondly, a lot of celebrity parents write their posts in first person, which almost always ends up sounding super creepy. Granted, most celebrities don’t create separate accounts for their babies, probably because they’ve seen Black Mirror, or something. I mean, Snooki and JWoww rose to fame by peeing in bushes at a nightclub at the Jersey Shore, and even they have enough decency to not create official Instagram accounts for their children. Thankfully, there are still some people who love attention enough to create ridiculous celebrity baby Instagram accounts for our personal creeping purposes, and here they are. These celebrity baby Instagram accounts are very absurd, and you should follow immediately. But like, let the record state that I am aware that I probably shouldn’t judge. I can’t even keep a succulent alive, and am currently pretty stressed out by the simple task of managing my mom’s dog’s Instagram.
1. Gunner Pratt
Heidi and Spencer Pratt are on a transparent mission to “Make Speidi Famous Again,” and in addition to like, selling crystals and having a podcast, a publicity baby is a major cornerstone in their plan to become relevant again. It just makes sense for little Gunner to have his own account, even if the captions are the most boring shit I’ve read since Nicholas Sparks books were a thing.
2. Asahd Tuck Khaled
With 1.2 million followers, Asahd is the undisputed ruler of the baby celebrity Instagram game. But like, duh. His first words were probably “WE THE BEST.” (His first words were? First words will be? When do babies start talking? Although I have strong opinions on the best baby social media practices, I literally know nothing about children.) This kid is already an executive producer. He probably has his own team of interns handling his social media. Asahd even appeared on the cover of PAPER without the presence of a parent, which automatically makes him better than every other celebrity baby. Damn, I guess he really is the best.
3. Emerson Avery Tolbert
Emerson has been branded a “Paradise baby” by her parents, Bachelor in Paradise stars Jade and Tanner. Clever. Her Instagram bio says her account is a space for her parents to have a “virtual baby book,” but I’m going to call bullshit. What’s going to happen when Instagram isn’t a thing anymore? Put those pics on the cloud, or like, one of those digital picture frame things they sell at Bed, Bath and Beyond that nobody’s grandma can figure out. This account was definitely intended to someday be used for subscription box opening videos.
4. Baby Chanel Nicole
Chanel Nicole is the daughter of Ice-T and Coco Austin. Yep, in case you forgot (you probably did), Coco named her daughter Chanel, and they play up the whole “Coco Chanel” thing as frequently as possible. This is basically a continuation of Ice Loves Coco, but with more “mommy and me” outfit pictures and baby pedicures. Also, Chanel looks just like Ice-T, which is a trip every single time.
5. Dream Kardashian
Dream Kardashian has a verified Instagram account with almost a million followers. She doesn’t follow anyone, or have any posts (which is why I didn’t include any below), but she’s tagged in SO many photos. And she still has 948k followers, so brb while I just go evaluate all my life choices. Poor little Dream’s Instagram account used to have like, two photos or something, but was probably forced to be taken down by Kris Jenner until she can figure out how to effectively rebrand a grandkid named Dream (good luck with Stormi, btw). By the time Dream is old enough to appreciate the fact that her parents locked down a coveted first name Instagram handle, IG will have suffered the same fate as MySpace and she’ll be pissed that money didn’t just go straight to her trust fund.
6. Alexis Olympia Ohanian Jr.
The daughter of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian has a following that pales in comparison to Dream Kardashian’s, but she’s a little bit younger and has a fucking Vogue cover under her belt, so she’s still basically untouchable. She has already perfected the art of naturally sinking “link in bio” into a caption, so the future is looking bright for this one.
Check me out on my first Vogue cover. (Well my mommy too) my Daddy is in the article as well as my grandma and *some of my Aunties! (Missing @hexner14 and @amyex9) Mom says to read the article. The link is in my bio. I can't wait for my next one maybe one day. My mom and dad always did tell me to dream big. But for now I am told I am the youngest Vogue cover ever at 3 months! Love you guys. @voguemagazine
7. Sophia Abraham
Okay, so, judging by the fact that she’s rocking braces and a matte lip, it appears that Sophia Abraham is no longer a baby. Who knew? I’m still going to throw her on this list, because this Teen Mom spawn’s Instagram is effing ridiculous. This kid has practically been having a temper tantrum for eight years straight, and probably has more Us Weekly exclusives under her belt than all of Bachelor Nation combined. I’m really looking forward to seeing where this kid goes. At the rate she’s going, I genuinely think she’s capable of resurrecting the Britney Spears/Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan train wreck era.
In case you missed it, Spencer and Heidi Pratt welcomed their first child on Sunday night. Don’t feel bad, it was easy to miss, what with half the Kardashians being pregnant and our country getting shittier by the minute. But they welcomed their first baby boy into the world, and they did it only the way Speidi could: with $27,000 worth of crystals.
I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it too: Do Spencer and Heidi even have $27,000? Because I thought they were flat broke. Spencer Pratt tweeted out a thank you to the company that delivered the crystals, and it’s unclear if they paid for them or if they were given the crystals for free.
Also, what does $27,000 worth of crystals look like? Are we talking like, a few giant ones or a bajillion tiny ones? I’m imagining Heidi giving birth on top of a sea of crystals. Ouch, that’s gotta hurt.
Spencer told UsWeekly his son’s birth was, “fficially the most lit day of my life.” Spoken like someone who’s truly fit to raise a child.
Oh, and as for what they named their baby? Brace yourselves. Get a Xanax ready. Got it? Okay. It’s: Gunner Stone.
Gunner Stone. That sounds like a 90s action movie hero, one who used to be a cop but left the force because there were too many dirty cops and now he’ll stop at nothing to expose the rampant corruption and gain back his reputation. It sounds like Jack Stone’s serial killer alter ego. It sounds like a lot of things, none of them being viable names for a newborn baby.
I would waste time and my mental energy ranting about this name, these crystals, and everything about this birth, but this is Heidi and Spencer Pratt we’re talking about. This is actually pretty low-key for them. I’m just relieved (and kind of surprised) that they didn’t try to stream Heidi giving birth on Facebook Live.