It’s no secret that we live in a society obsessed with wellness. According to one statistic, the global wellness market is estimated to reach $4.75 trillion in 2019. And while some wellness trends are genuinely beneficial, plenty are complete and utter bullsh*t. Read on for some of the worst wellness trends over the last 10 years.
2010: The Shake Weight
It’s hard to believe that just ten years ago, millions of people thought they could outsmart common sense science and lose weight by remaining sedentary and holding an oscillating weight for a few minutes each day. *Sigh* a girl can dream. Despite the claim that the Shake Weight can provide a total upper-body workout “in only 6 minutes per day,” this is highly unlikely. What it will do is make the holder look like they’re giving a hand job to a disembodied robot dick.
2011: HCG Diet
The HCG Diet involves taking the hormone HCG, eating a 500-700 calorie diet (not a typo) and forgoing exercise altogether, all for almost a month. There’s way too much to unpack here. First, altering your hormones is far from casual and should be a larger decision made under the care of a doctor. But even without that element, the diet is absolutely insane. The average woman needs to consume 2,000 calories per day to maintain weight and 1,500 calories to lose one pound per week. While these figures are obviously not one size fits all, suggesting that a person should eat one-third or half that amount is not sustainable and frankly, is probably starvation. And no exercise at all? Something’s not adding up here.
2012: Raw Food Diet
Not even Smith Jerrod could convince me to try this farce of a diet. Adoptees eat a diet, usually only plant-based, consisting of completely raw (that is, never heated over 104-118°F or 40-48°C) and unprocessed foods. I could eat 100 pounds of raw carrots and still be starving, so I do not understand how this diet is sustainable for more than one meal. If that weren’t unappealing enough, experts say that all of the slicing and dicing required to prepare raw foods actually strips them of many of the nutrients that proponents of the diet claim are lost to traditional cooking methods. Hard pass.
2013: Open Bar Gyms
I’m not here to ruin your good time on this one. In fact, I’m the first person to crave a cold, hard glass of Chardonnay after a moderately difficult grueling workout class. So why not save yourself the trip and have a one-stop shop in your gym? The issue is that alcohol decreases the level of glycogen in your muscles, which creates the energy the muscles need to repair and strengthen themselves, not to mention increase your metabolism. I guess there’s a reason most gyms don’t have a vodka fountain, and it’s because alcohol basically sabotages your workout. So as tempting as it might be to toss one back immediately after barre, opt for some water instead.
2014: Hot Exercise
We all have that one friend who swears by hot yoga and insists that she “doesn’t feel like she’s getting a real workout” unless she leaves the class in a pool of her own sweat. Unfortunately, these hot classes can do more harm than good. While many hot exercise classes turn the heat upwards of 100 degrees, the American College of Sports Medicine recommends temperatures between 68° and 72° F degrees for athletic facilities. In other words, there’s really no reason to make the room that hot, except for the false perception that you got a great workout because you sweated out half your water weight. Then there’s the risk of dehydration, heatstroke, and heat exhaustion. I’ll stick with my normal temperature yoga, TYVM.
2015: Vaginal Steaming
This list wouldn’t be complete without an entry from our favorite pseudo-medical professional wellness expert, Gwyneth Paltrow. In 2015, she recommended that women steam their vaginas, claiming “It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels.” The hormone claim is patently false. But that’s the least of the troubles with this bogus trend. First and foremost, the vagina doesn’t need help regulating itself. Second, steaming raises body temperature, opening the door for unwanted bacteria and yeast and poor lubrication. No thanks. And finally there’s the risk of, you know, burning your cooch. As with most things Gwyneth says, you should probably ignore this one.
2016: Detox Teas
Detox teas are yet another product of dubious efficacy shilled by celebrities and, in this case, Bachelor rejects, Kardashian-Jenners, and Real Housewives. Funnily enough, none of the #ads promoting these products show the user sitting on the toilet, even though that’s where these teas will take you. As we’ve explained before, detox teas are essentially liquid laxatives, and prolonged use can cause diarrhea, cramps, dysfunction of the bowels, and dependence on the laxatives. Yikes.
2017: Activated Charcoal
I’ve never really understood this one. The idea of drinking a black smoothie, or worse, brushing my teeth with black toothpaste never really held much appeal. I can kind of see where we went wrong with thinking this would be a wellness product, since activated charcoal is most commonly used in the case of an overdose because of its ability to absorb toxins. But as far as its detoxing properties go, there’s no need to use it to filter out toxins because we have kidneys and a liver to do exactly that. There’s also no clear evidence that it whitens teeth, clears acne, or controls odors. Even worse, it can reduce the effectiveness of certain medications. So basically, it makes you look demonic in pictures and that’s about all we can guarantee.
Continuing the theme of completely unnecessary detoxing procedures is colonics, popularized by, you guessed it, the GOOP-meister herself. Colonics are procedures that flush your colon with water in an effort to detox the body. As we’ve covered above, our bodies are more than capable of purging themselves of toxins without any outside help. In addition, colonics can cause cramping, vomiting, electrolyte imbalance, rectal tears and even death. Just a few more reasons to spare your butthole.
Despite the douche factor, as vaping began trending, it was thought to be a healthier alternative to smoking. And when used as a means to quit cigarettes and other tobacco products, it may be effective, though it hasn’t been approved by the FDA for this purpose. We are, however, starting to see its risks. Just a month ago, a study found that Juul e-cigarettes deliver nicotine similarly to regular cigarettes. Considering that teenagers are some of the biggest users of e-cigarettes, this raises the concern that e-cigarettes are creating a whole new customer base of nicotine addicts, some of whom will eventually either turn to regular cigarettes or supplement their vaping with smoking. Then there’s the potential link between vaping and lung disease, and the instances of people who have ended up in the hospital because of vaping. While there’s still a lot we don’t know, it’s safe to say that vaping is far from the miracle it was originally thought to be (and still incredibly douchey).
If this list is any indication, our collective obsession with wellness, no matter how absurd, will continue for many decades to come. What other ridiculous wellness trends have you noticed over the past decade? Sound off in the comments!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (10)
In case you’ve been living under a McDonald’s-sponsored rock, the predictions for 2018’s top health trends were just released and I’ve been doing an intense investigation into WTF these things are. I’ve already told you which ones sound somewhat doable, but now I’m gonna talk about the weirdest ones on the list, because there are a lot to choose from. Like, if this shit becomes the new norm, I’m done. I thought the charcoal lemonade at Juice Generation was the weirdest thing for society to accept, but I guess I was wrong. Here are the top 5 most bizarre health trends you’ll see in the new year:
1. Eating Weird Shit Like “Moringa”
The health and wellness industry has already convinced people they should be taking ginger shots and drinking turmeric lattes for anti-inflammatory purposes, but now they’re springing this new “moringa” product on us. Apparently moringa is some super-green natural supplement found in trees in India, and scientists are trying to convince everyone it’s the new kale. Honestly if anyone can try this and get back to me with some real proof I might consider it, but right now I’m okay with all the other supplements I’ve been convinced to buy over the years. Can we just make up our minds and stick to something?
2. Using Science To “Hack” Our Bodies
I know science is more advanced than ever, but why on earth do we need to start biohacking our bodies? This trend is all about using science to change the things we’ve been doing that are already healthy, like adding adaptogenic plants to our coffee or using live bacteria to “hack” our skin’s microbiome. I understand there are amazing new innovations in the science world, but I don’t really get why it has to be a health trend. Like, don’t you think we’ve gone a little too far? Let’s let biology do its thing and keep the science out of our cosmetic bags. This trend is bizarre.
3. Making Our Apartments Healthy
Don’t get me wrong—I literally swear by my horoscope and I watch Long Island Medium at least twice a week. But like, who actually believes in all these magical crystals and plants to give your home healthy vibes?! It’s one thing to invest in a pretty succulent to have on your coffee table, but it’s another thing to deck your apartment in Himalayan salt lamps and 50-pound crystals hoping they’ll spread positive energy. These things are glorified dream catchers, and I’m not buying it. Save the sketchy incense and essential oils for your yoga class and that stay-at-home mom on your Facebook feed who’s clearly involved in an MLM. It’s getting weird.
4. At-Home Spin Bikes
Now that you can buy a FlyWheel or Peloton bike for your living room, this trend is blowing up, and frankly I don’t really get it. Unless you live in a random town in Bumblefuck, Delaware where there’s no SoulCycle within a 50-mile radius, why would you want a spin bike at home?! Aside from the fact that it takes up SO much room and would just end up being used as a towel rack, it’s weird. Like, you’re gonna have people over for a pregame and just ignore the fact that there’s a spin bike in the middle of the room? There’s also no chance your workout is as good at home as it is when you have an instructor yelling at you to raise your torque IRL. Just saying.
5. No-WiFi Mental Health Vacations
This trend is actually baffling to me, and I had to reread it about four times to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. People WANT to travel to places without internet? WHY? And please don’t give me some crap about being in the moment and enjoying face-to-face company. We’ve all been on family vacations. Your phone battery usually dies by noon. Like, apparently “super cool phone-free social clubs” are a thing, and hotels are offering digital wellness escapes where you can “disconnect to reconnect.” These hotels make you leave your phone at the front desk upon checking in, and allow you to do horrible shit like relax in a tech-free environment and experience the great outdoors. Even the Mandarin in Las Vegas is getting in on this trend. Like, you’re really gonna go phoneless in Vegas??? If this is really what people want, I’m genuinely concerned for the direction of society. I thought we were moving in a good direction with in-flight WiFi and internet service in the subway. All these psycho mindfulness-preaching health bloggers are literally ruining it for the rest of us.
Images: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
Any mention of PSL season makes me roll my eyes and continue to order my Venti cold brew. As much as I like the taste of pumpkin (kinda?) I don’t really feel the need to give into the whole “pumpkin spice flavored everything” bullshit. Then again, there are some days where we just want to taste some of the new basic shit on the market that’s being obnoxiously advertised in our faces. Like, if an ad for Pumpkin Spice Oreos pops up on Instagram one more time, I might just have to buy a box. Sue me. Pumpkin spice products are all pretty shitty for you, but in case you’re curious about what’s actually in them, here’s an overview of some of the worst pumpkin spice foods out there.
1. Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte
The Starbucks PSL has gotten more fame in the past few years than the whole Kardashian family combined, and it’s just as stupid, honestly. Everyone knows flavored lattes are loaded with sugar and artificial flavorings, so why must we even investigate this drink? I mean, feel free to order it once or twice just to be a functioning member of society, but if you’re gagging from the PSL taste by Halloween, you’ve probably gone too far. Like, any drink with its own Twitter account just needs to be put in its place. Even Taylor Swift is over how basic she used to be. Maybe we should reconsider the obsession here.
2. Chobani Pumpkin Spice Blended Greek Yogurt
Out of this whole list, this product is probably your safest bet if you desperately need your basic white girl pumpkin spice fix. Everyone feels healthy while eating a Chobani Greek yogurt, and no one even feels the need to look at the label because well, it’s Greek yogurt for god’s sake. While the pumpkin spice flavor isn’t horrible for you (even if it sounds like it tastes horrible), each serving has 12 grams of sugar, which is just kinda stupid for a yogurt. Plus, the ingredients seem kinda sketchy: evaporated cane sugar, fruit pectin, juice concentrate? Like, let’s just say this isn’t a homemade pumpkin pie.
3. Angie’s Boom Chicka Pop Holidrizzle Pumpkin Spice Kettle Corn
Popcorn is one of those snacks that has the potential to be SO healthy for you, but then companies go ahead and drizzle shit all over it, and just like that, you’re shoveling handfuls of sugar into your mouth. Just for reference, there are about 30 calories in a cup of popped popcorn without anything on it, and there are over 100 calories per cup in these. While 100 calories may not seem like a lot, you’ve probably never eaten one cup of popcorn before. It’s basically one small handful. This pumpkin spice popcorn is not gonna kill you, but let’s not pretend this is the popcorn your nutritionist had in mind when she suggested it as a healthy snack.
4. Starbucks Bottled Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino
The bottled Starbucks brand frappuccinos that you see at the Target checkout line are even worse than the real deal. I mean, one tiny bottle has 46 grams of sugar and 300 calories. If you’re grabbing one of these for breakfast in place of what could be a zero-cal beverage with the same exact caffeine content (hi, coffee), please reconsider your priorities. You could literally be eating two Krispy Kreme donuts with the same nutrition content. Just something to consider.
5. Quaker Pumpkin Spice Instant Oatmeal
This product is advertised as “naturally and artificially flavored,” which should probably just be tattooed on our foreheads at this point. Any oatmeal that claims to taste like a slice of pumpkin pie is probably not the freshest, healthiest breakfast for you, but then again it’s not terrible. Each packet has 160 calories and 10 grams of sugar, which isn’t the worst, but then again it’s a bowl of oatmeal. The ingredients are also pretty similar to the Maple Brown Sugar and Apple Cinnamon flavors, which just makes us question how much of this recipe is actually natural and how much is artificial. There’s no chance it’s a 50/50 split.
6. Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Spice Muffin
I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone that Dunkin Donuts muffins all clock in at around 500 calories, and the pumpkin spice muffin doesn’t seem to be any better or worse for you. For one entire muffin, you’re consuming 77 grams of carbs and over 40 grams of sugar, basically feeding your body a bucket of artificial shit, heavy flour, and maybe the tiniest bit of pumpkin. I guess you can split this with a friend and get away with it if you need a muffin that badly? I’d just avoid it, though. There’s literally nothing good in here, aside from the two grams of fiber in the whole thing.
7. Kashi Pumpkin Spice Flax Granola Bars
I’ve never tried these bars personally, but the nutrition info is actually not that bad considering what it’s going up against here. I mean, I guess you’d expect anything with the words “flax” and “granola” in it to be somewhat healthy, and this definitely passes the test. Each bar is only about 80 calories, with only 5 grams of sugar, and plus there’s some protein and fiber thrown in there. There’s a ton of ingredients that you’d need a biology degree to understand, but overall this isn’t that bad for you if you desperately need some pumpkin spice in your life. But then again it’s a granola bar, so like how much enjoyment are you possibly getting from this thing?
If you’re not a total airhead, you probably experience a decent amount of anxiety on a daily basis. Maybe your boss is giving you a hard time about leaving at 3pm when you have a 6pm Bumble date (those pre-date shots aren’t going to take themselves), or maybe you’re just shaken by Dean’s ice-cold treatment of Kristina on Paradise. Either way, while I fully endorse your right to take a Xanax and a sick day in these situations,
I’m here science is here to tell you that those anxious feelings are actually basically a superpower.
That’s right: a recent study published in Psychological Science shows that “being high in neuroticism” helps you live longer—or, to put it in their creepy science terms, gives you “a lower likelihood of premature death.”
And to give you even more good news, the way they tested for neuroticism in this study was by seeing how people responded to statements like “I get irritated easily,” “I worry about things,” and “I get stressed out easily.” So, you don’t exactly have to be Larry David to qualify here—and if none of these made you say “yes” out loud at your desk, go out and get a fucking personality. Enjoy your premature death, I guess.
In another hilarious turn of events, the researchers who first got these results were like “shit, we must have done something wrong,” since people have spent years telling you that things like “positive thinking” and “running outside” are the keys to long life, and that your healthy skepticism toward new people and the outdoors the “psychological distress” caused by neuroticism is somehow harmful. So, these researchers rolled up their sleeves (lab coats have sleeves right? I wouldn’t know *hair flip*) and decided “Okay, let’s see if all the neurotic people we tested are also narcs don’t drink or smoke and that’s why they live longer.”
Guess what? The people who possessed this predisposition for immortality (you know what I mean) also were “less likely to eat enough fruits and vegetables or exercise, and more likely to smoke and drink alcohol either every day or nearly every day.” In other words, if you’re not heavily identifying with this trait yet, then
I’m glad you won’t be living as long I’m really not sure what you’re doing on this website. And next time your peppy co-worker tries to sign you up for a half-marathon, you can feel free to tell her to fuck right off—you’re basically just adding five years to your life.
To sum up, put down your sad little salad, pour yourself a drink, and write your psychiatrist a
refill request thank-you note for diagnosing your anxiety. If you need me, I’ll be designing my “Not Neurotic, Just Immortal” Betches tank.
I feel like scientific studies regarding food can really go either way. There are the kind that tell you something you thought was bad for you actually has health benefits. Ya know, like the ones that says cheese and red wine are good for you and shit. And then sometimes, these studies are culinary cock blocks and just ruin your whole
life day. The study I’m about to break down for you is the latter because science now says that if you eat fries, you’re more likely to die. Well isn’t that just fucking wonderful.
Look, it’s not like I’ve ever been under the impression that fries are good for you, but death? That seems a bit much, no? The study at hand looked at the potato intake of more than 4,000 people between 45 and 79 years old for eight years. During that time span, 236 of those people died (bummer) and those 236 people, as a whole, had a higher frequency of fried potato eating. So you’re telling me this isn’t just French fries, but tots and hash browns too? OH HELL NAH!
Getting even more specific, there were findings showing that those who ate fried potatoes at least twice a week had double the risk of death. Way harsh, Tai. Tbh, the whole twice a week kinda makes me feel better. I mean, that’s a fucking lot of fry eating. You can probably guess why fry consumption and death are related, but for the people in the back, researchers guess it has something to do with the ridiculous amounts of salt and fat in fried potato products. That, or the people who are eating fried tots all the damn time probably don’t live the healthiest of lifestyles to begin with so they’re probs at a higher risk for heart disease anyway. Take your pick—whichever helps you
justify your poor eating habits sleep at night.
One positive from this
buzzkill study is that there were no signs that tie death to the consumption of other forms of potatoes. So like, mashed potatoes are Gucci. Phew. Also as I learned from my AP Psych class, correlation does not mean causation, so you scientists can go shave your back now.
So there you have it: don’t eat fried potatoes more than once a week. But look on the bright side. At least it isn’t pizza.
Once upon a time, there was a goddess-in-training named Dr. Frankenbetch. As a teenager, she had abs and buns of steel, and biceps that weren’t quite steely but were still damn good-looking. Then she moved out of her parents’ house, discovered alcohol, and turned into a doughy blob of a human because she had no earthly idea how to make dinner unless it involved a microwave or delivery driver. It was a short-lived phase, TG, but trust me—no betch should go through that kind of psychological torture if she can avoid it. Here are nine ways to make food that won’t make you fat even if you can’t cook to save your own life.
1. Bake All The Frozen Fish You Can Eat
Grilling is best left up to people that have a grasp of the culinary sciences, but you have to get your protein somewhere. I hope you like seafood, because it’s time to start buying all the frozen fish you can stand. Thaw it out in the refrigerator while you’re at work, add whatever spices you want, then stick it in the oven for however long the package tells you to. An hour later, voila! You have the beginnings of a real-adult dinner. All the info is on the box—you really can’t fuck this up. (You can also microwave it I think, but it will probs taste disgusting.)
2. Learn To Love (Or Not Totally Despise) Steamed Vegetables
Yes, vegetables are disgusting, and anyone who says otherwise is delusional. But consider which is worse: choking down some broccoli, or the three hours of SoulCycle it takes to work off all the alcohol and Taco Bell you consumed last night? Start buying the kind of veggies you can steam in the microwave in a bag, and eat them along with the fish you just made. They’re ridiculously healthy and so easy to make you can’t not eat them—you literally don’t even have to take them out of the bag. Eventually, you might even end up brainwashed into thinking they taste okay, especially if you add shit like garlic and olive oil.
3. Replace Pasta With Couscous
If you try to wean yourself off of the microwave, you’re going to wind up eating way too much pasta despite your best efforts. Don’t do that. It’s all fun and delicious carb-y games until you have to start borrowing your mom’s clothes because nothing you own fits anymore. Instead, make couscous—it’s literally the same process (stick it in boiling water for a little while and try not to burn down your kitchen), but it’s better for you because the grain is less refined.
4. Become The Sandwich Queen
Sandwiches aren’t just for grade schoolers, although they are so easy a 9-year-old can make one. Toast some bread, add something green (spinach, lettuce, avocado—whatever), and layer tomatoes slices and deli meat. (Though beware, deli meat is salty af and could just as easily make you bloat.) If you can’t at least make a halfway-decent grilled cheese, I honestly worry whether you have a functioning brain stem.
5. Add Canned Soup (But Don’t Eat It As A Whole Meal)
Canned soup has a shitty reputation, probably because most of us associate it watching terrible sitcom reruns while home from school sick with the flu. As an adult, though, it’s not half bad as long as you check out the sodium content before you buy. Take a page from mid-priced bakeries and heat up half a can to go with your fish and veggies/sandwich/whatever half-baked culinary monstrosity you’ve created this time. As long as you eat something else with it, it totally counts as cooking.
6. Wrap Leftovers In A Tortilla
Wraps are even more versatile than sandwiches. Stick your leftover veggies, meats, and/or salads from a restaurant (aka people who do know how to cook) in a tortilla, and you’ve got yourself a legitimate dinner; I don’t care what you say, mom. If you’re feeling ambitious, you can even grill it for a minute or so on either side, but TBH that’s too much effort for me most of the time.
7. Make Breakfast Tacos
IDGAF if you are an actual former contestant on Worst Cooks in America. It’s impossible to mess up eggs. Scramble some eggs, add avocado and salsa, and stick it all in corn tortillas. Your mom might not be proud of your cooking skills, but at least she’ll be a little less embarrassed to see what your life has become.
8. Eat A Shit Ton Of Fruit
You know what food takes zero effort? Fruit. Like, the hardest one to eat is an orange when you’re trying to peel it in one piece. Start buying fruit and honey instead of Oreos and Twinkies for dessert. Fruit salad can be considered a side at restaurants; therefore, you may consider it part of your dinner. Fruit, obviously, has basically zero calories, and most importantly, it tastes better with wine. A betch has gotta have her priorities straight.
9. Fuck It, Order Delivery
Whatever. This is why God invented Seamless.
Beach season, bikini season, show-something-other-than-your-ankle-or-wrist season is practically here. For the past couple of months, you’ve been living off a steady routine of Netflix, not shaving your legs, and seasonal depression. You’ve also avoided the gym (“it’s to cold to go out!”) and kept your refrigerator full of all the winter foods (ice cream) which you can def attribute to adding an extra layer of warm, bubbly fat that is keeping you from going bathing suit shopping just yet. Sadly, it’s almost May, meaning that now it’s do or die time as far as summer bodies go. Your coworkers have probably already started their carb-free diet weeks (you know this because they won’t stop fucking talking about it), so you’ve got to get your shit together unless you want to look around one summer Friday and realize that you’re the only person who is still afraid to wear shorts. If you need to lose the winter weight like, yesterday, cut these foods from your diet right fucking now:
1. Soda & Sports Drinks
If you heart sugar and carbonation, chances are you indulge in a Diet Coke um, every day. knock it off. Sugar is empty calories, and calories equal a fine mesh of chub along your thighs. If you MUST have something carbonated, try a little sparkling water with a splash of fresh lime juice. As far as sports drinks like Gatorade are concerned, skip it unless you’re literally dying from your hangover. The sugar and carbs will add inches to your waistline unless you’re like a legit Olympic athlete who needs the extra calories in order to complete a 5 hour workout.
You’re making your salad fat, and that isn’t okay. Croutons are nothing but stale bread soaked in oil and spices, then baked. We have long held that carbs are evil, and now you’re ruining a perfectly good salad with these little monsters. OF COURSE they’re delicious—but on your salad they do not belong if you want to lose some serious pounds. You can have like, one as a reward.
3. Bottled Salad Dressing.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Buying salad dressing is incredibly lazy. They’re usually pumped full of sugar, added fat, and calories. Buy a mason jar and mix up minced onion, minced garlic, extra virgin olive oil, Italian seasoning, and good balsamic. That shit will taste better than any calorie bomb you’re squeezing out of a shelf stable bottle and you’ll look like a literal sous chef when you casually reveal to literally anyone who will listen that you “make your own salad dressing.”
4. Whipped Cream
I know you got the skinny latte with whip and you’re feeling pretty fetch right now, but you shouldn’t. Whipped cream is fun for one-time sex role play and that’s it. It shouldn’t have a sacred space in your breakfast and caffeine routine because it a) literally adds no nutrients, b) literally adds calories, and c) will literally result in a sugar crash later. Keep this shit where it belongs: on a giant ice cream sundae which you can have exactly once every six months.
5. Pasta & White Rice
Again with the carbs. If you’re trying to seriously drop the pounds but adore pasta and rice, get a measuring cup. This is your new bff. Measure out ¼ cup of either rice or pasta and boom, that’s all you get. There’s nothing that nutritionally interesting or valuable to either of these things—they just fill you up and are easy to cook without totally fucking it up. Try using spinach or riced cauliflower in place of either of these.
Unless your smoothie is a combo of spinach, plain Greek yogurt, and a handful of strawberries, your smoothie is probably adding extra sugar and fat. Fun fact: a 32 oz smoothie can have 800 calories or more. Skip this shit or make it yourself. This goes double for unicorn frappuccinos, which are only magical in the sense that they will magically add 15 pounds to your body.
7. Combo Yogurts
What do we mean by combo yogurt? We mean yogurt you can either buy with fruit on the bottom, or cute container attachments of nuts/granola/fruit/preserves/literally just cubes of sugar. If you’re trying to be healthy, you need to march your ass to the store, get a contained of GREEK WHOLE FAT PLAIN YOGURT and that’s fucking it. Making your yogurt into a dessert will make your thighs into inflatable pool animals. Sugar content and additives have made it shitty and worse for you than Count Chocula. If you’re serious about losing weight, skip it.
If you’re working out at the gym, first of all, congratulations. You’ve made it farther than like, 92 percent of Americans, and honestly, we’re still eating hangover fries from Saturday. We’d hate to fuck with the betch that gets up before work to go to the gym, but we’d also like to help out. It turns out there’s like, a million exercise mistakes that people make on the reg, and if you don’t fix your form asap, you’re wasting your time. Here are the seven exercise mistakes you’re probably making and how to fix them:
1. Squats: You’re Only Squatting Halfway Down
This mistake is so common and so sad, because half-assing a squat will literally lead you to having half an ass. If you’re one of those girls who thinks squatting at the gym is supposed to look cute and bouncy, good luck with seeing any real results. The whole point of a squat is to engage the entire back of your leg and butt area, so you want to get as low as possible, keeping your thighs parallel to the ground and getting your butt below your thighs at the bottom of the movement. Also, make sure your knees don’t go in front of your feet. If you’re doing it right, you should be squatting lower than you would in the Delta terminal bathroom stall.
2. Running: You Have Bad Posture On the Treadmill
If you hopped on the treadmill ready to run with your Twerkout Workout Spotify playlist in hand, stop for a second and fix your posture. When it comes to cardio machines like the treadmill, Stair Climber, or the bike, most people are tempted to hunch over when they get tired, which will actually fuck up your workout and probably cause major back and neck pain. Try to keep your hands off the rails and maintain straight posture with your core tight while running. It also helps to look ahead and keep your neck as straight as you can. Don’t be the girl telling people about your injury from a 30 second sprint on an incline. No one sympathizes.
3. Lunges: You’re Putting Pressure On Your Knees
When you’re doing lunges, it’s important that your step forward is as big as possible. You don’t want to take a baby step and put pressure on your front knee, which can lead to a tendon strain. You want your front heel to be at least two feet in front of your back knee as it bends toward the floor. Also, lunges work your thighs and butt, so you also want your back knee to literally touch the ground in order to feel the move in your ass. If you need to slow down to make sure each step is big enough, do it.
4. Crunches: You’re Using Neck Instead Of Your Core
Any idiot knows that crunches work your abs, so overusing your neck needs to stop like, now. Using any sort of momentum from your hands or head to lift your torso up completely takes the exercise off your core, which makes the whole thing totally pointless. You need to contract your core the entire time and use ONLY the muscles in that area to lift you up. If you can’t nail the form on your crunches, stick to planks or standing side crunches. Just don’t waste your time putting your hands behind your head and pulling yourself upward to then hurt your neck. Everybody will laugh at you if you’re rocking a neck brace because you fucked up crunches.
5. Kettlebell Swings: You’re Using Upper Body Instead Of Lower
When done right, kettlebell swings are an amazing exercise for your entire lower body, because you’re explosively swinging the weight from underneath your butt into the air, using the momentum of your hips and thighs to get enough power in the swing. Most people, however, tend to swing the kettlebell with their arms, and they end up just lifting the weight from their legs to their shoulders without any lower body swing involved. The trick is to avoid lifting with your back and shoulders, and instead focus on a hinge in your hips, basically snapping the kettlebell forward, not upward. You should basically feel like you’re in the “Bend and Snap” scene in Legally Blonde.
6. Plyometric Moves: You’re Landing On The Wrong Part Of Your Foot
For those of you who don’t know, plyometric exercises refer to any moves where you’re jumping in different positions to get your heart rate up. Think jump squats, box jumps, jumping lunges, tuck jumps…. It’s a lot of jumping. But even though these moves are brutal and hard, you shouldn’t be punishing your heels in the process. Landing on your heels leads to injury super fast, and just makes the impact more intense than it needs to be. You should be landing on the middle part of your foot, and then rolling forward to push off the ball of the foot when jumping up. You should be sore tomorrow because of your muscles burning, not your feet.
7. Cool Down: You’re Skipping The Stretch
If you’re in a rush and don’t feel like staying at the gym for some extra credit cool down time, we get it, but it’s super important to take a couple minutes to stretch before heading out. Your soreness tomorrow will be 10 times worse if you don’t stretch, and you’ll probably cramp up later in the day. Spend a few minutes stretching out the muscles you worked. Do yoga stretches that target multiple areas so you can get the most out of a short stretching session, like pigeon pose, downward dog, and child’s pose. It’s annoying to postpone brunch a few minutes longer, but your body will thank you when you can move tomorrow without crying.