Head Pro would love to be your friend, and would never ask you to go to New Jersey. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta @betchesheadpro.
Dear Head Pro,
I moved away from my hometown almost four years ago to a new city. I haven’t been able to make any friends here. At first, I thought the best place to meet girlfriends was at the bar, and that never really led to anything. I have (half—assed) tried to make friends in college and at work but nothing really lasts. I think its a combination of shyness and a feeling like I haven’t found anyone that I really connect with. Any advice on where to go to make girlfriends and also how to make the friendships blossom?
God, making friends as a post-grad adult is the worst fucking thing. It’s at LEAST as hard as dating, because it’s basically the same thing only without the motivation of having someone maybe touch your no-no zones. You’re not gonna wanna hear this, but unfortunately you’re going to have to put in work to find some decent friends, and even then they’ll only be a poor facsimile of the handful of actual, close friends you’ve made in life. People think that it’s the big memories and OMG moments that make a friendship, and that’s true to an extent. But I don’t think anyone realizes that its as much (or more) about the thousands of hours you spent with them doing absolutely nothing. That’s when you’re really intimate with someone—when you can sit, silently watching TV and the sound of their voice doesn’t immediately make you want to kill them.
The standard advice here is to join some kind of dipshit adult rec sports league (softball, kickball, fucking bocce ball, etc.), and that’s because it works—coalescing around one single, uncomplicated thing exposes you to all sorts of people, some of whom you might get along with. You don’t have to be athletic to do any of these things, because very few people are actually there for the LOVE OF THE GAME (note: I am one of these people. I’ll slide into you spikes up, don’t even test me). Most people are just there to get drunk and enjoy the weather, and just like you they probably want to branch out at least a little bit.
Other than that, you’re going to have to get extremely online with it. That sounds nerdy as fuck, but then again you’re already writing into an anonymous internet person to ask about something 5-year-olds do with ease. MeetUp.com is lame, yes, but they seem like they do a phenomenal job of organizing events and activities that appeal to every interest under the sun. You’re shy and that’s not helpful, but the thing you have going for you is that literally everyone else is in the same boat—they’re all there explicitly to meet someone, and if they were gregarious social butterflies, they wouldn’t need a website to help them, would they? In the same vein, you can sign up for classes and activities via Groupon, LivingSocial, et al. if you want a more casual vibe.
As for making a friendship blossom, I assumed women did that by having a steamy, pseudo-sexual (no penetration) encounter after a night of too much wine and complaining about boys. My understanding of female friendships is not the sharpest.
Dear Head Pro,
I met this guy on Hinge and we get along really well—we text a lot throughout the day and in person we crack each other up. And he’s extremely hot. And has told me that he really likes me (the feeling is/was mutual).
Here’s my problem: he lives in Jersey (why do I do this to myself?) and so far I’ve only seen him once a week for the past like, month or so. Honestly, I’m at a point where I either want things to ramp up or I’m over it. I’m just tired of all the texting back-and-forth and putting mental energy into playing that game when I don’t see him all that much, and when I do our conversations are a little surface level, even if the rapport is good, and I have no idea what he wants out of this. So my questions are:
1. WTF do I do? I recognize that it’s pretty fucking insane to be like “what are we/where do you see this going” after a little over a month of hanging out because I don’t live in an episode of The Bachelor. And I don’t really want to take that route unless that’s objectively the move.
2. Should I just nope out now? I’m suspecting/worried he’s kinda giving me the fade… his texts are getting further apart although he does respond to each one. Then again it was just the holidays and we’re all back at work and shit so there’s a chance I’m being insane. I’m a pretty passive(-aggressive) person and will usually err on the side of inaction to prove a point whenever I start to question things… should I just assume he’s over it too and ghost accordingly?
I feel like there are two types of women in the world: ones who are completely batshit but think they’re normal, and those who second-guess themselves into thinking they’re batshit. You’re the latter, which is I guess better than the former (though I imagine trying to pick a restaurant with you is its own fresh hell). But I feel this. Most of the time people write in with apocalyptic dating disasters, but this is more realistic—how do you handle a thing that’s for the most part pretty good, but like not as good as you’d like it to be? Most people are naturally risk-averse, and prefer to have that sure thing in-hand before letting go of even a shitty thing, to say nothing of a decent thing. If I’m on a road trip, I’m not gonna pass-up a McDonald’s because I think there MIGHT be a Chick-Fil-A further down the road. You’d probably be like “that’s ok with me I guess, I don’t mind either way, whatever we do is fine,” and I’d kick you out of the car at highway speeds.
Anyway, these are not two separate options; they’re a natural progression. If things are stagnating and you’re considering breaking things off, what do you have to lose by asking where it’s going? We’re in that shitty post-holiday slump where everyone’s catching up on work, so there’s always a chance he could be otherwise engaged. I know SOP here (and everywhere, really) is to let the man take the lead on furthering the relationship, but I don’t see how that benefits you in this instance. It’s not a crazy thing to ask about after a month! People have been proposed to in far less time, and I should know because that’s how I close out every 3rd date I go on (this does not work well for me).
The worst he says is some version of “I dunno, I’m not really looking for anything serious.” In that case, you say “I respect that, but I kind of am so I think it’s best we bring whatever this is to an end.” That’s it! And in the (less likely, tbh) event that he reaffirms how much he likes you and enjoys your company, you would then express your concerns and see if you can’t come up with a solution (matching with girls in NY when you live in Jersey should earn you a spot on the sex offender registry). I know it sounds crazy, but putting, like, actual work and effort into a relationship is a thing I promise you people have done and continue to do to great effect.
Head Pro would love to be your friend, and would never ask you to go to New Jersey. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta @betchesheadpro.
Head Pro offers advice on life, love and really anything because he likes to hear himself talk. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Here’s my current dilemma that’s consuming my thoughts:
Summer before my freshman year of college when I was 18, I met a guy. Fast forward a couple months, I’m thinking I pretty much found my soulmate. He is one of the funniest, loving, sweetest guys I’ve ever met. He is the epitome of Jim from The Office, which, let’s face it, is every girl’s dream guy. I wanted to date, he didn’t because we were “too far”, aka 1-2 hours away depending on when he was away at school. Whatever, K, I got over it. I started hooking up with guys at school cause that’s what freshman do, and then we started talking again, but only hooking up and just hanging out. Over the next year, we were just fuck buddies while I did my thing and he did is, even though I still had feelings for him. My junior year, we started hanging out more, going out more, hooking up more. And the sex is really fucking good.
I’m now a senior and 21 years old. I’m over every guy that goes to my school (no, not under) but I just have never met another guy like him before. I can honestly say he’s my best friend, he’s been there through everything I have gone through in college, including the death of my father, and I love this guy. I know feels the same about me and tells me he loves me and we act like a couple when were together, and we are still banging to this day, literally, but he hasn’t shown any interest in dating. I’ve known him for almost 4 years now, and now that we are both graduated/graduating college I want to be with him. I have no idea how he feels because he’ll text me a lot for a few days or not at all for a few days. He even wants me to go out of state with him in December, go to a concert, stay in a hotel, and enjoy the weekend. So, he’s planning couple things with me in December. Like WAT. Meanwhile, I know he doesn’t talk to any other girls or hook up with anyone else because he straight up tells me this and I can clearly see it while I’m looking over his shoulder at his phone (whoops).
My friends say to tell him how I feel, but I’m scared because it didn’t work out well the last time. I know he has no one else, so what is he waiting for or do you think these feelings are one-sided?
HALP
Let’s get one thing straight, Jim from The Office should be no girl’s dream guy. Jim’s ability to land Pam rested solely on him being the one non-weirdo in that office. Otherwise, he fucked around for like a decade, had no real ambitions and kind of treated Pam (and later, their daughter) as a burdensome accessory in his life. Fuck, at least Roy was ready to kick some ass. She would have been no worse off with him, I think. Don’t @ me.
Anyway, just fucking tell him. It’s reasonable, given that you’re graduating soon and have some important decisions to make. It’s also pretty weird for him to drop “I love yous” and shit without ever even once mentioning the status. It’s in a sense a silly thing (after all, sentiment is most important), but it still matters.
But more importantly (and I probably bring this up in our book): if a guy’s going to refuse to commit to labeling a relationship, it won’t be because you asked the question. Like, that’s insane. How does that even work, you tell him how you feel and he responds “hmm, despite all of my behavior that would indicate I feel the same way, now that you’ve brought it up my feelings have diminished?” It doesn’t happen, and has never happened. The last time it didn’t work out was because he had a pretty legitimate reason for not wanting to commit, not because you bothered to ask.
FWIW, almost no one I know is still with the person they were dating in college (I am le old). With someone they met in college at some point? Sure. But if you pour your heart out and this guy’s still wishy washy about being serious, you might have to start taking evasive measures. It’s what Pam should have done.
Dear Head Pro,
I am experiencing an uncomfortable level of confusion in my relationship with a guy that I’m interested in and need your guidance. Here’s the annoyingly convoluted background:
Had a one night stand w this guy I know and when I didn’t hear from him the rest of the weekend I wasn’t shocked. Come Monday, it turns out he had tried various forms of social media to get in touch with me, I just didn’t realize, so we began chatting.
He asks me out to drinks and he decides to make drinks a dinner, which I took as a good sign. The date went really well and was a lot of fun but at the end he got very awkward, gave me a weird side hug and essentially ran away (I expected a kiss considering we had already had sex…). I left the date very confused but pretty accepting of the fact that clearly he wasn’t into it. Didn’t really hear from him until several few weeks later when he suggests we do it again and instead I invited him to meet my friends and I out at a bar that night, He comes, we have a lot of fun and I go home with him again.
Jump even more weeks of minimal contact and we make a plan to go to the hang in a public setting but when I drop him off he gives me another awkward goodbye, a shoulder squeeze. The next week he invited me to this party from which we leave together again, but I don’t have sex with him and don’t really explain why (we did other things though so I feel like it was fine). In the morning he makes me breakfast but doesn’t kiss me goodbye.
Then he goes several MORE weeks without really reaching out to me!
By this point I was fed up with the inconsistency. As a large group we went out to a bar where I accidentally blacked out and maybe slapped him and called him an asshole; but apparently he didn’t mind too much because I woke up in his apartment. He said we were cool, texted a little the next morning and all seemed fine. Once again, weeks go by, he has texted me a few random times and IMs me but never keeps the convo going very long and never suggests hanging out.
So bottom line: This guy has been very hot and cold and hasn’t asked me on a real date in two months but will still sometimes reach out but not to hangout or hookup so like wtf is the agenda. I was under the impression that if a guy is into you he will ask you out or text you frequently. On the assumption that he is just too awkward to function, should I keep making an ass of myself by putting myself out there and straight up ask if hes interested (which I may have done that blackout night and don’t remember, i.e. may have already been denied-Yikes), or do I gather my remaining dignity and move on?
Sincerely,
Feeling too old for the hot and cold
Eh, I don’t think this is all that complicated or inconsistent. Take the one-nighter out of the equation, and you’re describing a brief relationship that never got off the ground between two people who never liked each other that much. Let’s break down these encounters:
– One Night Stand: Presumably booze-fueled. No explanation needed.
– First “Date:” He’s probably feeling a little awkward about how things started and wants to reset a little bit. Has a nice time, wants to feel things out on a romantic (as opposed to purely sexual) level. I can probably count on one hand the times I’ve tried to kiss someone on a first date, and I’m not exactly Mike Pence. Just doesn’t always seem right.
– Second “Date:” I think you kinda fucked up a little here, given that he wanted to meet one on one and you did the “let’s make it a group thing” thing. Then again, it’s understandable given that he’d been radio silent for a while—no blame to go around, really, just poor communication. You meet up, the booze and social energy is flowing, and you smash. Cool.
– Third “Date:” You hang out in public, (presumably) sober. Still has a nice time, I guess? Another awkward goodbye.
– Fourth “Date:” Hey look at that, another party! And wouldn’t you know it, you wind up going home and doing sex stuff again. I’m beginning to see a pattern here…
– Final Encounter: It doesn’t sound like anyone actually invited anyone out here, you just ended up there as part of the same amorphous friend group. And wouldn’t you know it, a lot of alcohol is involved again. And you wind up fucking, again. Color me surprised!
So yeah, besides his sporadic communication he’s not really inconsistent. Other than when drinking lowers both of your inhibitions and you wind up touching each other in some places, it doesn’t sound like he likes you all that much—and to be fair, it doesn’t sound like you were walking on clouds after your dates, either. I think he was pretty obviously struggling to feel the vibe after the first few go-rounds, and then after whatever transpired at the bar he knew that this wasn’t something worth pursuing.
He’s still gonna hit it, though, because why not? That’s life. Consider not going on dates with men who only contact you once per menstrual cycle and that you don’t seem to like that much either, and you will be much better off.
Head Pro offers advice on life, love and really anything because he likes to hear himself talk. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on twitter and insta at @betchesheadpro.
Head Pro will pretend to date you long distance, if you want. He won’t text or call and will sleep with other people, but it’s the sentiment that counts. Send your questions about relationships (or anything, really) to [email protected], and follow him on twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Dear Head Pro,
I met this guy about 4 years ago in college and we made out a few times then I faded it out slowly because I was on and off with my ex. A few weeks later, he’s dating this girl I kind of know. Fast forward 4 years and they broke up. The thing is, I live in Chicago and he lives in LA. I visit LA a lot for work and we have a lot of mutual friends who live there.
We met up (through him making the effort) a few months ago and spent basically the whole time I was there together (4 days). I slept over every night, he was incredibly sweet and bought my friends all drinks the entire time, and he wanted to get dinner but I was busy each day because of work. He kept saying how much he liked me, but when I left there was virtually no communication besides a random Snapchat here or there. I went back for another work trip recently (a few months later) but was able to stay through the weekend this time. We hung out again the whole time and he did take me to dinner once. He continued to say how much he liked me and a few times was like “we should go to this place sometime” and make those sort of in the future plans. He continued to want to know details about my life and seem super interested.
After I left all communication ceased again and he didn’t make any effort to even ask when I’d be back for work. Was the whole liking me thing mostly bullshit and he was just looking for a fun weekend if it was convenient? I’m assuming yes but thought I’d get a second opinion so I can stop thinking about it for good.
Thanks!
So, fortunately (or unfortunately?) for you, this doesn’t sound to me like a smash-n-dash job—he’s putting in too much effort and seems to be having too good a time for it to be that. Frustratingly enough, I think instead you’re dealing with a guy who genuinely likes you, but who also understands the dead-end nature of LDRs. He’s enjoying life as it comes but not bothering to get too invested outside of that. Many people are saying that this man is very smart!
Is this good or bad? Depends on how you look at it. On the one hand, being liked is a nice thing! It’s like, at least twice as good as being unliked, not that I would know because literally no one has ever disliked me. It’s also maybe comforting, in a way, to know that you’re probably more to him than just a sausage wallet.
Then again, if you’re super into him and were only pretending to want him to be over it so that you could dismiss him and move on, sorry? Unrequited love is kind of shitty, but not any shittier than willfully living in Chicago, so I think you can handle it.
Head Pro,
I need help. (Obviously). My boyfriend and I have been dating over two years. We lived together for a few months early on in the relationship, which didn’t end well. I ended up cheating and wanted to break things off.. which I proceeded to do, and I moved out of our house. After a few months we got back together and he never wanted to give up on our relationship.. during the break I did hang out with other guys, and I think if he knew this it would crush him.. I can’t decide if I was just bored because he travels so much or if he really just isn’t the one for me OR maybe I have commitment issues. He talks about marriage a lot (as he is 5 years older). He is even willing to follow me if I plant roots somewhere else. I know the that popping the question is hiding around some corner that I will cross paths with very soon. HELP.
Sincerely,
Am I the boy in the relationship? HAHA
HAHA boys, we be cheatin’ amirite?!? There’s a lot to unpack in this (mercifully short) email, but I think the important thing is that your boyfriend is a giant choad and I’m not really surprised you cheated on him. I’m also not surprised that despite cheating on him, moving out, dumping him and fucking around for a few months, he still came crawling back to you. I just made homemade chicken stock, and the poor dead bird had more of a spine than your perpetually self-owning boyfriend. The fact that he’s 5 years older than you shouldn’t matter, but it definitely feels like it does. You must be able to do some crazy shit with your tongue and/or make a damn fine chicken stock.
Anyway, I guess you have to ask yourself if you went back to him 1) because you felt in your heart it was the right thing to do, 2) because all of a sudden being single feels like skydiving without a parachute or 3) because it was easier to just give in and get back with him. I have a feeling the answer is a lot closer to 2 or 3 than 1; in which case, strongly consider backing out now before you move back in together and/or he pops the question.
But if it’s 1, enjoy your nuptials, and I guess also enjoy getting caught fucking his best man in the hotel kitchen walk-in at your reception. Trust me, subsequent betrayals never hurt as badly as the first one. He’ll be fine, and may even apologize to you, somehow.
Hi Help!
I’ve been talking to this guy every day since we met about 3 months ago through a mutual friend. The only problem is that he lives in New Jersey and I live in Boston. We see each other as much as we can. It has been hard with weddings/vacations we had planned before we met but he’ll even drive up during the week for the night when he can just to spend a few hours together.
I really like him and I think he likes me too (I have met his family and friends) the only problem is obviously the distance and the fact that we haven’t really talked about what we are doing. I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else and I don’t want to. Just not sure how to broach the subject / why he hasn’t.
Thanks!
Long Distance Disaster?
Well shit, this again. See the response to the first question: he’s not broaching the subject because there is no realistic way for a LDR to end in anything but pain. You’re not high schoolers trying to weather the long summer apart at different sleepaway camps, you’re adults with adult lives and there’s barely enough time to make a regular relationship work, let alone a LD one. He’d be crazy to say “hey, I know we rarely talk and see each other even less often, but I’d like to exclusively commit myself to being your boyfriend.” Christ, he could just join a seminary if that’s the route he wanted to take.
Unlike the first letter writer, there’s another, more pernicious motivation you have to consider: what if he’s just being nice to you to have any excuse to leave the state of New Jersey? Really makes you think…
Head Pro will pretend to date you long distance, if you want. He won’t text or call and will sleep with other people, but it’s the sentiment that counts. Send your questions about relationships (or anything, really) to [email protected], and follow him on twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Email your questions about living, loving and fucking to Head Pro at [email protected]. He’s also figuring out Instagram and can (and should) be followed at @betchesheadpro.
So, I’m gonna do a whole bunch of emails today, mostly because I’m a giant piece of shit who has plenty of time to tweet about president Trump’s saggy butt and french fry styles, but apparently not enough time to write anything for this website in the past, oh, month or so. I won’t apologize, but you do have my condolences for being deprived of my insightful content for so long. On to your emails:
Hi,
So let me get straight to the point I randomly came across your site and I would like to say it’s very relatable to girls my age (I’m 22) so you see I’m dating this guy who in the beginning would like a lot of instagram hoochies pictures and I was ok with it you know boys will be boys but later as things got more serious it made me uncomfortable. My thinking was—does he want these types of girls? I’m comfortable in my own skin so I’m not an insecure person, but the fact that he was doing this non stop for the world to see made me start to feel insecure so I called him out on it and he’s stop with the liking not so much with the following the hoochies part that he doesn’t stop what I’m asking is am I overreacting with this?
Sincerely,
Suddenly Insecure
Dear Suddenly Insecure,
Overreacting? Yes, probably. On the one hand it’s the social media equivalent of gawking at some hot babe passing by while you’re trying to talk about the new end tables you want from West Elm. On the other hand, he’s just poking a part of his screen in response to a post by someone he’ll never meet. Personally, I don’t understand a) why anyone follows non-celebrity IG models, and b) why anyone likes a post that isn’t either a funny meme or from an actual friend. There’s plenty of porn out there if he wants to see butts and boobs, and I’m not giving a stranger online validation for nothing in return. I think I’ve liked a post a total of like five times. Anyway, it’s fine, but it’s also fine if you tell him it’s kind of embarrassing (for him).
(You should like all my posts, though, because they are cool and good.)
Dearest Head Pro,
During my junior year of college (I will be going into my senior year this fall), I met a guy at work. I was working there before him so when he came in on his first day I was like ok damn you are very attractive. We worked in different areas so we didn’t communicate much, just made a lot of eye contact. We both ended up quitting, for other jobs, so towards the end of our employment the flirting went 0-100 real quick. Being a stupid betch, I told probably every girl and their mom in the office I thought he was the hottest thing since Matthew McConaughey. Maybe it got around, maybe it didn’t… (probably did). Regardless, on his last day he gave me a note right before I was about to leave for the day that said: Text me sometime, with his number, name and a fucking smiley face.
Long story short, we start texting the next day, hang out for the first time with other friends, and I (accidentally) got drunk off bottomless mimosas. So at the end of that day we shared our first kiss. Pretty romantic, I know. We got to hanging out, and things are going great. We decided to take things slow and it is obvious we both like each other.
This was 3 months ago. We’re still talking every day and I even brought him to my friends wedding as my date. All my friends really like him, and great cause so do I. Until he starts texting girls the entire time we’re at the wedding. I know I’m not the only girl he is talking to, which is whatever since we agreed to take things slow and since I’m not only just talking to him, but the gesture was a little rude. He constantly is upset over his ex and will go out of his way to text me and tell me that!!
I’ve started to distance myself, and I think he’s noticed, but why does he just want to text all day and night? Texts me back right away even when I send 3 texts a day, but barely wants to see me. We’ve hooked up a little, but have never had sex. So we’ve surpassed the just friends stage. Why doesn’t he make an effort to see me or progress things with me when it is obvious he likes me? We live an hour away when I’m home, which isn’t that far if he made an effort and I’m willing to do the same. HELP
Sincerely,
Needs Brutal Honesty
Dear Needs Brutal Honesty,
Nah, fuck this. WAY too much hassle if you’re not even getting laid. If I’m talking to someone constantly for three months and not even getting regular BJs out of it, that person had better be my parole officer or something. You’re right that texting girls at the wedding and/or about his ex is rude as shit, though I think I should point out that “occasionally getting to second base while he talks to other girls” is not most people’s definition of “taking it slow.” Stop taking rapid text responses as a sign of interest; it is literally the cheapest and easiest thing a guy can do (short of liking your Insta posts). Move on, this guy sucks.
Dear Head Pro,
About a year ago I broke up with my ex due to him cheating. He’s now in a serious relationship with the girl he cheated on me with, and I’ve heard they live together now. While the breakup sucked, I’ve moved on from him, dated other people, and he and I do not stay in contact.
Recently, he’s been texting me asking to see me, to get drinks, catch up, etc. I’m not sure what to think of this, obviously he’s in a serious relationship (see: living together) and we didn’t stay friends, so what would he want from me?
Do guys ever just want to “catch up” with their exes, or should I assume there is an alliterative motive (aka hooking up)?
Xoxo,
Over it (kind of)
Dear Over It,
I dunno about alliterative, but there’s definitely an ulterior motive at work. I’ve caught up with exes on occasion, but it’s not something I actively pursue—if I see one while I’m out, that’s fine and cool. But given his past transgressions and his persistence, there’s a solid chance he’s getting bored with his current situation. I also don’t believe you can’t be so naive as to not realize this, and just wanted to hear from someone else that, yes, your ex still has something in the tank for you. Do with that information what you will, probably something bad and dumb.
Dear Head Pro,
About seven years ago, I had an on-again off-again situation with a fuckboy in high school. We ended up going to the same place for undergrad and continued our toxic spiral until I called it quits after 2.5 years of being done with his shit. I’ll save you the details of the nature of our relationship, but since we never actually dated and he was an asshole, I didn’t feel the need to have a breakup conversation and just cut him out of my life, cold turkey.
…or so I thought. Fast forward to over 4 years after I stopped talking to him, and he is still trying to reconnect with me. A few months after I ghosted him, I would receive several calls, texts, and even one facetime request from him every few months over the next year. Since then it’s been Facebook and Instagram friend requests that I used to just reject, but now have blocked him since they didn’t stop after being denied over and over. Along with those came message requests (he can’t message me directly since I won’t friend him) that have ranged from “yo we good?” to “hi it’s been while, just wondering how you’ve been doing” to “sup hoezilla.” One time he even Facebook messaged my best friend asking about me, and when she ignored it, he wrote on her wall begging her to respond to his message.
All of this was obviously concerning, but I’m asking you for help now because he recently tried to add me on LinkedIn. My privacy settings on my other social media accounts are high so he can’t see anything, but my LinkedIn is public for career purposes. Even if I deny his request, he can now look me up at any time and know where I am and where I work. I really hate that idea, but I don’t want to have to change my LinkedIn settings and have it affect my career because of a dumb guy and his unsolicited and unwanted attention.
Please HP, I could really use some advice on dealing with this guy. My boyfriend thinks I should just respond and tell him to beat it, but I’m scared it will encourage him, like when you give cat callers attention.
– Here’s hoping you read this before he finds me!
Dear Here’s Hoping,
Uhhhh little late on this one, but here’s hoping you’re still alive? Anyway, while his behavior is annoying, it doesn’t sound to me (a non-expert in this field, mind you) like it’s threatening or escalating. Like, he’s not trying to see you in person, and his attempts to communicate haven’t gotten threatening or more severe. I think, given how long you were involved with him, it’s probably ok to respond to something and tell him to buzz off. Worst case scenario, you just block him again if he doesn’t get it.
As for LinkedIn, I think you’re taking it a little seriously. It’s a useful tool, but it’s also dumb as hell. You’re not going to miss out on any career opportunities if you make your shit fully private. Hell, I didn’t think you could do that, and I might now that you mention it.
Hi Head Pro,
I’ll get right to the point—I lied to my boyfriend about how many guys I’ve slept with, and the guilt is tearing me up and I don’t know if I should confess.
He asked the question when we were only dating for a couple of months, and it took me by surprise. I told him 5 (real number is 9). I don’t even know why I lied about it, I just wasn’t expecting the question and was caught off guard. Looking back, I should have asked him if he really wanted to know, or told him it’s not relevant to our relationship and not given him any answer.
We’ve been dating almost a year now, and I honestly wasn’t too bothered by the lie. I didn’t think he really cared/wanted to know anyways, and it never came up again—until this past weekend. We got on the topic because of an issue our mutual friends were having, and my boyfriend flat-out asked me if I had lied to him about how many guys I had been with or anything similar. He said it wouldn’t change anything, but that it is a big deal to him, etc etc. I panicked. I defended the lie so well that I almost believed it myself.
I feel terrible about lying to him, because now I know it’s something that is important to him (even if it shouldn’t be) and we are a lot more serious now. I’m 26, he’s 28, we are about to move in together, have seriously discussed marriage/kids, and have a very strong, healthy relationship. I’ve never lied to him about anything before this.
I don’t feel like he would break up with me over this. It would hurt him, he would be upset that I lied, but then he would get over it. So I would feel better by confessing, but he would be hurt in the process.. which doesn’t sit well with me, but neither does getting more serious while we have secrets between us.
What do I do?
-Guilty Conscience
Dear Guilty Conscience,
Ugh. Fucking dump him, that’s what you do. Like, really I have no patience for people like this anymore, even if I probably was this kind of fuckhead when I was younger. If you can’t dump him, just keep lying to him. Or even better, lie AGAIN and tell him the number is like 18 and see how he reacts. Maybe he’ll dump you, and you’ll have dodged a bullet. Like, it is seriously baffling to me that someone would bring this up not once, but twice, a whole fucking year after you started dating.
But really, just stick to it, and ask him why he doesn’t believe you, why he cares so much, etc. It’s not fair for him to pester you with a dumbfuck question he doesn’t need to know the answer to without answering a few himself.
Head Pro wants you to like his Instagrams, but he won’t like yours back. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on both Twitter and Instagram at @betchesheadpro.
Head Pro would love to take you out for tacos, or at least to a place that sells tacos along with booze. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter/Insta at @betchesheadpro.
I don’t know if you were aware of this, but the totality of your time here on Earth is spent interacting with other humans in ways designed to pluck at your deepest insecurities. Nowhere is this more true than in dating. All of a sudden, when the prospect of mutual coed nudity becomes even a distant possibility, it becomes even more unnerving. What do you wear? What body parts do you shave? What do I order on the first date?
Wait, what’s that? Oh, hell yeah baby. The dead plants and animals you put in your mouth that will one day pass out your backside are (or can be, at least) the subject of scrutiny. Now, I believe that somewhere on this internet site, I’m on the record as saying that dinner is a bad idea for a first date, and I stand by that—happy hour, a few drinks, and decide on the rest from there. I’ll also go on record, right now, and say that any guy who actually says anything about what you eat on a first (or any) date is an asshole not worth your time.
But: People do still do dinner as a first date, and when you go to dinner, the person across the table from you is going to have some kind of opinion on what’s set in front of you. Not, like, a STRONG opinion, but an opinion all the same. Do with this information what you will, but here’s what a guy might be thinking based on what you order on your first date.
1. Salad
This probably comes as no surprise, but ordering a salad on a first date is cliché and try-hard. Now, if you’re clearly a very skinny person, or just in California where salad is all you’re legally allowed to eat, that’s one thing. But otherwise salads are a little messy, difficult to eat while holding a conversation, and all you’re conveying is that you’re someone who’s incapable of being your real self when it’s most beneficial. You’ll get kale stuck in your teeth, and I won’t tell you about it.
2. Wings
Oops, still try-hard, just in the other direction. Since everything you read tells you to not eat anything messy on a first date, the girl who orders wings is deliberately ordering something messy to show that she’s a cool girl who’s not like other girls. Yawn. I like sticking it to The Man (and wings) as much as anything, but your performative wing-eating is annoying. Plus wings aren’t even a real meal.
3. Just Booze
I will GLADLY eat while you just sit there drinking, but I’ll also stop feigning concern for your numerous childhood issues the moment I tie a knot in the condom and drop it in your bathroom trash.
4. Pasta
I mean, pasta’s alright if we’re actually at an Italian restaurant I guess. But otherwise, like, what kind of adult orders chicken Alfredo at a restaurant? This isn’t your college dining hall. If you’re choosing pasta over everything else on the menu, I’ve either taken you to a shitty restaurant or you’re boring as hell. One of those things is way more likely than the other.
5. Some Expensive Shit
Look, even if you’re not pulling some “girl’s gotta eat” shit, ordering the most expensive thing on the menu makes you a sucker—it’s almost never worth it. That’s especially true of a first date, when no non-idiot is going to take you to the most expensive place in town. Ordering the porterhouse at an otherwise laid-back place isn’t clever or betchy, it’s tacky. And not just because I’m paying for it (but it doesn’t hurt!).
6. A Burger
A burger’s a pretty good choice, because it’s hard to find fault with them. I guess the only thing I would worry about is if it’s a place that serves those giant half pound pub-style burgers. I personally avoid them because if I want to keep drinking afterward or do anything physical (talking about fucking), I don’t want all that cow weighing me down. If you go for it anyway, all I’m thinking is that sometime soon, you’re gonna spend a lot of time on the toilet.
7. Tacos
Honestly, I got nothing. They’re not overly messy or heavy, and don’t say anything other than that you like things that are good. There you have it: Tacos are the perfect first date food. And if you only go out with people who are cool with eating tacos for dinner, well, that’s a pretty good way to go through life.
Head Pro would love to take you out for tacos, or at least to a place that sells tacos along with booze. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on twitter/Insta at @betchesheadpro.
As an Officially Woke Bae (and also, as not a giant idiot), I am fully aware that most of the things women do in terms of how they present themselves is for other women, not men. I get it, you wanna be “girl cute,” because something something something about the jungle scene from Mean Girls. Ladies be catty, amirite? But also: you definitely want to meet guys, you probably want to go out with some of them, and you may even want to strip down and touch some of them under the sheets while The Weeknd plays softly in the background.
To that end, you’re probably taking extra care on certain nights to be more appealing to dudes. And that’s great! But before you go out and buy these ugly goddamned clear-panel mom jeans, keep in mind that a lot of the stuff you do, we won’t even notice. Consider that guys don’t know shit about…
1. Fake Eyelashes
The thing with fake eyelashes is I feel like you’re only wearing them at night, which means it’s dark, which means no one can see them. And if you’re wearing them during the day, not one guy is going to care. Like, dudes don’t sit around in their RompHims at the bar scoping out girls like “hey fellas, look at how beautiful her eyes are. I bet she’s really cool and interesting.” I mean I have a feeling this is one of those things you do for you and not for us, but I can’t fathom poking yourself in the eye trying to glue them on. If my vision ever goes bad and I need contacts, I’ll probably get run over in a crosswalk because no fucking way. I treat my eyes the way God Squad girls treat their vaginas: touch around it all you want, but nothing’s getting in there.
2. Contouring
I guess the whole point of contouring is that NO ONE is supposed to notice it, and obviously I’m talking out of my butt here, but isn’t it more for pictures than real life? Like, all the contouring is lost when someone sees you in three dimensions instead of two? I dunno, maybe it does work at first glance, and that’s all that matters. The way we perceive faces is weird, mannnnnn .
3. Makeup In General, Actually
As a gender we have like, less than zero knowledge of makeup, confirmed by the mind-boggling number of men who’ll say they prefer a “natural” look and girls who don’t wear “too much” makeup. That’s basically our binary reality—so much that it’s obviously noticeable, or none at all. Now, I know that your face looks like the surface of Mars and that pulling off your “natural” look should qualify you to produce disguises for the CIA, but again, I am v woke.
4. Accessories
Unless you’re wearing an Olympic medal around your neck, ear gauges big enough for me to stick my fist through, or a wedding ring, no man on Earth has any comprehension of accessorizing. Any guy who does is either gay or trying way too hard and is probably about three drinks away from dropping some sweet pickup artist material on you.
5. Your Sports Knowledge
Now, I’m not saying it’s bad for girls to be into sports. Sports are good, and being into sports is good. What I’m saying is, no guy has a mental “must have” checklist that includes “into sports.” In other words, you spouting off Bryce Harper’s slash line at the bar might spark a conversation, but it’s not going to make me think “oh wow, she’s one of the good ones.” You know guys who try to use their feminist bonafides as proof that you should fuck them? This is a similar (albeit much more innocent) thing.
6. Shoes
Are your shoes seasonably appropriate, as in you’re not wearing sandals in the snow or snow boots to the beach? Great, that’s about as far as we’ll care. Like, we know heels = fancy and flip flops = casual, but the nuances are beyond us. And if a guy does know an unusual amount about shoes? Congratulations, you’ve got yourself a foot fetishist. Not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but he is DEFINITELY going to try to suck on your toes in bed. Be prepared.
7. Fashion In General
Most guys, I think, have a vague understanding of what’s fashionable, if nothing else based on what we see other people wearing every day. But in terms of actual trends, forget it. Like, women’s fashion, even compared to men’s fashion, is its own cultural universe. It moves too fast and follows too few rules and affects us too little to care. I’m not saying you shouldn’t dress in a way that makes you look and feel your best, but don’t be disappointed when he doesn’t recognize that it came straight off the runway in Paris.
Head Pro sincerely holds the belief that a marriage is only valid if it’s between him and an open bar. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on the social medias at @betchesheadpro.
Look, all wedding websites are terrible. Yes, even yours. Your “how we met” story is only cute to you, the bios for your bridesmaids/groomsmen are excruciating and no one gives a fuck that the third cousin of the wife of the Assistant Secretary of The Treasury lived in Slaves Built This Place Plantation in 1842.
But they’re also functional, providing actual useful information to your guests—things like the location, that there won’t be a shuttle to the reception venue 40 miles away, and links to your registry. They’re typically hosted by TheKnot, basically the Halliburton of the wedding industrial complex. But for better or worse it’s their thing, which makes it odd that they would give this dumbfuck advice for registry shopping:
Spend what you think is appropriate to your relationship to the couple, and also consider what’s reasonable in your city. While a co-worker or friend may expect a gift in the $50-75 range, someone in an urban market may have double the expectations. Here’s the ballpark you should be aiming for:
– Coworker and/or a distant family friend or relative: $50-$75
– Relative or friend: $75-$100
– Close relative or close friend: $100-$150
– Urbanite: $150-200+
I’m sorry, what? What the fuck precisely constitutes an “urbanite,” and why the fuck am I expected to kowtow to their precious expectations to spend double? How does someone even arrive at that conclusion? “Well, I know Jeanne and Ronnie are just starting out and don’t have much, but I just HAD to buy Zaydynn the Kitchenaid. She lives in a city, you know.”
Fuck that. I’m not adjusting my spending just because an acquaintance I don’t like that much chooses to pay upwards of $3/sq foot in rent. Besides that, how much does TheKnot think the price of consumer goods vary by geography? Are they based in a remote Laotian village? Unless the happy couple registered at Whole Foods, I’m pretty sure a set of ugly bathroom towels from Macy’s costs pretty much the same everywhere.
Do you want to know how much you should actually spend on a wedding gift? Here’s an easy formula: whatever the fuck you feel like spending. Seriously, though. If it’s on their registry, it means they want it. It’s not your problem if Becka registered for a bunch of mixing bowls and napkin rings. I would say as long as you hit the $25 mark, you’re absolutely fine. Let their older family members splurge for the $500 Dyson vacuum.
Congratulations on your nuptials, I only got you a plate because convention dictated that I buy my urbanite friends a Lexus.
Head Pro sincerely holds the belief that a marriage is only valid if it’s between him and an open bar. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on the social medias at @betchesheadpro.
Head Pro is happy to answer all your questions about life, love and condoms, if he doesn’t throw his computer into the ocean first. Fire up your Outlook machine to email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Dear Head Pro,
I need some advice. There’s this guy that I’ve known for a while now. We run in the same very small and close group of friends. I see him basically everyday at my gym, where he works, and we all hang out every weekend. A couple weeks ago he started snapping me and texting me every night after work, but he’d pretty much completely ignore me at the gym, the most I could get out of him was a smile and a wave.
The smile was an improvement though, up until now he would completely avoid me whenever we were around each other. After a few weeks of this I was just kind of over it so through some flirty texts I told him he should ask me out sometime and he said that would be great and fun and we should go to dinner that Saturday.
Well that Saturday came around and I heard nothing from him about when and where we should go to dinner. So, I did what any self respecting betch would do and didn’t text him and went and hung out with my bff, which inevitably ended with us hanging at our other friends house where he also was, awkward! He never said anything about the date or apologized or tried to reschedule. So just when I wrote this guy off as a total jerk, who doesn’t deserve to be graced with my presence, our friends are getting food for dinner and he very loudly reminds them of my gluten allergy and tells them to get something different for me *swoon.*
What the hell am I suppose to do? Should I just ditch this guy? I know he likes me but he just seems too shy to do anything about it. And I know I can’t do anything else without coming off like completely desperate, which I am not!
Hugs,
Betch who’s losing the game
Woo, ok. It took me a while to stop laughing at this one, but: do yourself a favor and stop being so goddamned delusional. This guy doesn’t like you. “We should get dinner Saturday” is already pretty noncommittal, and doubly so when it’s in response to you awkwardly telling him to ask you out. He clearly had no intention of doing so. He sees you where he works, he knows all the same people and clearly knows how to contact you. And yet he didn’t. Because he doesn’t like you.
While remembering your fake gluten allergy is an undoubtedly swoon-worthy moment, you’ll have a much happier life if you stop reading into things that aren’t there. You are friends. He acts friendly towards you. This isn’t that hard. Wanting to believe something’s real when it isn’t doesn’t magically make it so. Trust me, I’ve been playing second base for the Washington Nationals in my head for years now, and I’ve inexplicably yet to receive an invite to spring training.
It’s not going to happen. Stop trying to make it happen.
Dear Head Pro,
Me and boyfriend have happily a year and 5 months we have always always had sex without a condom maybe the first 2we did used , but now since I’m in school and been really focused with my last year so I can graduate I have recently asked him for us to start using again , since I do not want any “accidents” so , I’m not sure if I took the right step on asking him the use condoms again, but his response was totally hum I don’t now maybe to supportive and Iam not sure if his being supportive because he has some-one on the side or because like he said “i want to be good with you and support any decision and if that’s want you want I’m okay “
So right now I just want to know or have a different point of view of why he could be all this supportive when sometimes he really is that all supportive be like I said sometime he is and he is a great guy but something in side of me was like waiting for him to be like all upset and ask no to use it …
Dearly
-Nicky…
Sent from my iPhone
I’m like honestly offended by the stupidity of this question. Also, he’s definitely cheating on you. Only logical explanation.
Dear Head Pro,
Long story short my boyfriend and I just broke up as he cheated on me. At first he denied but then he fully came to admit his wrongdoing. It’s more of a he-said she-said situation as to what ACTUALLY happened, but from his story they just made out, it felt weird to him etc and he left. The girl denies everything & anything, but happened to tell her best friend that relayed the news to my roommate (so again it’s hard to know if his story is the truth)(also, they all work together, in finance of course). We were together two years, he’s 32 and I’m 24.
We’ve remained on really great terms since as he was/is my best friend and has openly voiced that he would do anything to get back together, loves me so, I’m the one etc etc blah blah blah. I’ve basically said we’re done until I figure out if I can believe/forgive/trust him again.
See the thing is now that his sister’s wedding is down south in about six weeks…. I was also supposed to be in said wedding, but because of these circumstances I’ve obviously bowed out. ANYWAYS, he still really wants me to come / so does his family and the only people who know we broke up are his immediate family members who, since he cheated on me, know it was his fault and that he fucked up majorly and are rooting for us.
Obviously going away together in the king suite we had booked, we are going to hook up, fight, and experience all the emotions, but ultimately it might help our relationship and worst case I’ll get a great tan. Anyways, I’m a little stuck as all my girlfriends despise his existence and I feel like they’re against this relationship (for good reason of course). Should I go down south with my ex & his family? Subquestion, is making out completely unforgivable and does this relationship deserve a second chance?
– I’ve asked way too many people about this so what’s one more.
Sent from Outlook
Wow, you’re really burying the lede here. Yeah, sure, I guess we can call making out cheating. Like, maybe it’s forgivable and maybe it isn’t, but it’s still on the no-no list. You’re pretty clearly grasping for any reason to forgive him because pretending things are back to normal (even though they’re not) is a lot easier than trying something new, but: do not go to that fucking wedding with him.
In no universe, real or imagined, will this ultimately “help” your relationship. It will ruin it irreparably. I’ve seen weddings ruin couples that weren’t in the process of reconciliation, so what chance do you think you have? It’s made even worse by the fact that this involves his family. There’s going to be so much pressure, and booze, and you’re going to get in a dumb fight and wind up fucking one of the groomsmen in an industrial kitchen. Then his entire family will go from half-assedly supporting you to hating your fucking guts, because you ruined his sister’s wedding.
Honestly, can we collectively make the choice to ignore our primitive impulses and cut it with the “forgiving people who cheat on us” shit? It’s a waste of time. No one’s that important to where, in the near or distant future, you won’t be happier with someone else and all but forget they existed. Like, you can go through the whole rigamarole of fighting and getting back together and (probably) ending up right where you are now, or you and your girlfriends can go do something cool like ride jet skis. I know what I’d do.
Who the fuck still uses outlook for their personal email?
Head Pro is happy to answer all your questions about life, love and condoms, if he doesn’t throw his computer into the ocean first. Fire up your Outlook machine to email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
