‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: Operation Zombie Kidnapping

Hmm…so here we are. The famed penultimate episode of this Game of Thrones season. For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, the second-to-last episode of every Game Of Thrones season is always the episode where shit goes down. Past seasons have given us The Rains of Castamere (aka The Red Wedding), The Battle of The Bastards, and The Watchers On The Wall. This season we got…Ocean’s 11: White Walkers?

Full disclosure: I did not like this episode, so let’s get into the roasting, shall we?

Beyond The Wall

The episode begins and I’d almost already forgotten that the plot of tonight’s episode is going to be, “try to kidnap a zombie and bring it back to Westeros.” Fuck. That is such a terrible idea.

This is a show in which a pair of twins have children together, and I think this might be the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

Everyone is trying to make Gendry be chill about the fact that his comrades sold him to Melisandre and she put leeches on his penis. Don’t give in, Gendry. You are hot have a right to your feelings.

Real question: Has anyone ever travelled further or endured more to be in the friend zone than Jorah Mormont? Dude was sold into slavery, got his skin scraped off, and now he’s beyond the world on Operation Zombie Kidnap, all so Dany might give him a hug later. So sad.

Mormont and Jon Snow get into an honor-off over which one of them gets to keep the fancy sword. The whole thing is very phallic.

Jon: I’m so honorable, I’m giving you the sword.
Jorah: I’m so honorable, I’m giving you the sword back.
Me:

Winterfell

It’s Sansa Vs. Arya: Who Will Bitch Slap Who?

Arya: Remember our dad? He used to stand here.
Sansa: Uh…yeah I was there.

Arya is all pissed off about a letter none of us remember from like 15 seasons ago.

Sansa: You’re being really petty right now.
Me: True.
Arya: You used to be really fucking stupid.
Me: Also true.

Arya tries to hit Sansa with an “I was training to be a faceless man,” while Sansa responds with an “I low-key saved this entire family.”

Ugh. Littlefinger is such a tricky bitch for pitting the girls against each other this way. Don’t they realize they should be using their Lady Stark powers to save the North??

Beyond The Wall

We cut back to the wall and everyone is literally just still walking. The Hound teaches Big Red (or whatever tf this character’s name is) the word “dick,” and Big Red won’t shut tf up about Brienne, who isn’t interested.

This scene serves literally no purpose, and was a waste of all of our times.

Dragonstone

We open on Dany giving Tyrion a backhanded compliment.

The conversation quickly shifts to Jon Snow, and Dany and Tyrion start acting like a couple of middle school girls who are trying to figure out if they both have a crush on the same guy.

Tyrion: He likes you!
Dany: No he doesn’t!
Tyrion: You like him!
Dany: He’s too short!
Tyrion: omg!

Tyrion tries to casually bring up the fact that Dany has a bad temper, Dany counters that by getting insanely pissed and storming out of the castle.

Tyrion: Hey since you’re like barren or whatever maybe we should figure out who inherits the throne when you die?
Dany: RUDE

Beyond The Wall

Ugh. The five most boring characters and Jon Snow are still walking. Walking walking walking — OH FUCK IS THAT A POLAR BEAR?

YOOOOO IS THAT A ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR?

Welp, our fateful band of semi-virgins set out to find a zombie, and now they fucking found one. Good for you, Jon Snow. You’ve fought the wildlings, the Boltons, a wight, a White Walker, and now a zombie bear. Good for fucking you.

The zombie bears are going ham killing everyone except the characters we actually care about. One of them chomps on Thoros for a good 30 seconds and yet he somehow survives.

Beric uses his flaming sword, which just turns the murderous zombie bears into murderous zombie bears that are on fire. Good job, Beric.

For real though, shouldn’t the fire stop the zombie bears? Do the zombie bears follow different rules than zombie people in the Game Of Thrones universe? What the fuck is happening?

Winterfell

Littlefinger tries to drag Brienne into his Arya-on-Sansa fantasy, and guess what, it works.

Brienne: Cersei wants you to come to Kings Landing.
Sansa: Lol nah you can go instead.

Sansa uses this opportunity to rummage through Arya’s shit looking for….weapons? Money? IDK.

BET YA DIDN’T EXPECT TO FIND A BAG FULL OF FACES, YA BISH.

Okay, but seriously, Arya just like…keeps the faces in her bag? That’s how the faces work? You just like, toss them in your bag along with a couple tampons and a bobby pin and shit?

Arya At Brunch: Ugh sorry about my enormous bag, I just have like, my whole makeup bag, my lunch, a hair straightener, and like 15 faces in here. Can’t leave the house without them!

Of course Arya walks in right as Sansa finds the bag full of faces. Doesn’t Sansa get that she’s like, a ninja or some shit now?

Arya: Why don’t I give another long speech about feminism?
Sansa: Umm no bitch you can’t change the subject I need to know wtf is up with these faces.

Arya: **pulls out knife like she’s going to cut Sansa’s face off**
Arya: **hands Sansa the knife instead**
Me: So did y’all two just make up or…?

Beyond The Wall

Operation Zombie Kidnap is in full effect. Luckily for all the main characters, none of them died in the dead-flaming-polar-bear attack and now they’re all 100% fit to take on the band of White Walkers they’ve just stumbled upon.

Jon: **Kills a White Walker and like 10 wights explode with him**
Me: This feels like important information.

Things are actually going pretty well for a group of five humans who travelled thousands of miles to try and kill a mythical undead corpse-person, but then they finally get to the “kidnap a zombie” part of their plan and shit starts to fall apart.

We now move into Plan B of Operation Zombie Kidnap, which apparently is just “Gendry runs as fast as he can back to the wall.”

These guys really didn’t think this through, did they?

Even still, they’re all doing a pretty good job considering there appear to be over a thousand wights and White Walkers and just like, five or six of them.

They’re able to fight their way onto a very conveniently located rock and now the plan is to just…wait? Luckily in all the hubbub they were able to still keep an eye on the wight they tied up. I guess these guys are still really committed to bringing one of these things back home with them.

CUT TO: Gendry Forrest-Gumping it across the North. Remember when it took like, multiple seasons to get to get places? Well now Gendry can just run the entire distance of the North during the commercial breaks, and ravens send as fast as texts.

(I know Game Of Thrones doesn’t have commercial breaks don’t @ me.)

Gendry collapses just before the end of his marathon. The fact that “Gendry running as fast as he can back to The Wall” is the only part of this plan that worked out is so, so baffling to me.

Back at the conveniently located rock, Jon and co are not doing so hot. Thoros died, which makes sense because he was attacked by a zombie polar bear that was on fire.

Beric does his flaming sword trick for the 15th time and honestly, I’m no longer impressed. Get a new trick, dude.

In the distance we see The Night King, aka Demon Elsa, and somebody (I can’t remember who, this episode was really stupid) has the brilliant realization that if you kill him, you probably kill all The White Walkers at once.

Jon: Challenge accepted.

Dragonstone & Beyond The Wall

Cut to Dany serving us full “Winter Is Here,” ready to fuck some shit up. She’s going to get on her dragon and fly north to set shit on fire, aka the very obvious thing that she should have done from the beginning.

Dany: I’m flying North.
Me: When tf did you have time to get a winter coat made?

Back beyond the wall, The Hound just fucked everyone over by throwing snowballs at the wights. Men are so fucking stupid.

We’re now in for one of Game Of Thrones’ famously boring riveting fight scenes.

Jon: Fall back!!! Fall back!
Everyone: Lol where?

The entire crew is surrounded. They all grab hands and accept death like at the end of Toy Story 3, then…

DRAGOOONNSSSS

Dany shows up on her dragons and does what we all have wanted her to do from day one: starts burning zombies.

Dany: Get on the dragon loser, we’re going back to Westeros.
Jon: Just lemme kill a few more zombies real quick.

Everybody is so busy paying attention to wtf Jon is up to, that nobody realizes Undead Elsa is about to kill one of the fucking dragons with his ice spear.

Word to the wise: if the fucking Ice King is anywhere near your shit, have one person in your crew assigned to watching the Ice King at all times. Ya gotta keep an eye on the Ice King.

Live footage of the Ice King approaching to kill everyone:

Dany is now force to haul ass out of the North with one less dragon, while Jon Snow gets pulled into yet another fake-out death.

Jon Snow: **almost dies**
Me: Lol yea right dude you can’t die. Uncle Benjen is probably going to show up to save you or some dumb shit like that.

Uncle Benjen: **Shows up to save Jon**
Me: Of. Fucking. Course.

The Wall

Dany is sad because her new boyfriend who she doesn’t realize is actually probably her nephew is either dead or a zombie right now, and her dragon baby is also dead.

Luckily for her, it’s apparently very easy to just ride away from an entire army of White Walkers, and Jon is actually like, fine.

Me, every second of this episode so far:

CUT TO: Jon awaking with Dany standing over his bedside.

Dany sees Jon’s stab wounds for the first time and is like, “I KNEW I smelled a red flag.”

Even still, Jon looks so good whenever he wakes up from a near death experience. We, the audience, know this, but Danearys Targaryen has yet to experience it.

Dany: I can’t have kids.
Jon: Okay…
Dany: But we can like, do other stuff…

We find out that Jon is down to bend the knee to Danearys, but more importantly it’s pretty clear that Danearys is down to bend da knees to Jon, if ya know what I mean (blow jobs).

Beyond The Wall

Lest you forget, the idiots who decided that kidnapping an undead demon was a good idea, also let one of their dragons be killed, and left that dragon’s body in the hands of the White Walkers.

If you didn’t see this coming, you literally have not been paying attention.

That’s right: We’ve got a White Walker dragon now. What does that mean, exactly? IDK, but it can’t be fucking good.

‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: Eastwatch Bound & Down

The episode opens on the fiery graveyard that is the Reach and luckily for all of us, the show runners didn’t even decide to further entertain the thought of Jaime or Bronn’s death. They come crawling out of the lake on the opposite end of the shore, away from where Daenerys and company have set up camp.

The Reach

The first, wholly ungrateful words out of Jaime’s mouth: You could have killed me.
Bronn: And honestly I SHOULD have.

Bronn is not here for Jaime dying before he gets his now-much-deserved castle. He’s also not here to fuck with three dragons after watching the havoc that one just managed to cause. Jaime, it would appear, isn’t too crazy about the idea either.

Jaime: This is fucking insane.
Bronn: Yep.
Jaime: THREE DRAGONS.
Bronn: Yep.
Jaime: I have to tell Cersei.
Bronn: How far away can I get before you do that.

Across the way, Tyrion is surveying the wreckage from their clearly victorious battle. It’s, uh, pretty bleak to say the least. It’s obvious he’s highly conflicted about everything that just happened, and that’s before we even get to the (literal) firing squad.

The Dothraki have lined up the surviving members of the Lannister army, who are about to receive their first ever momentous speech from the Queen of Dragons herself. Honestly, I’m jealous.

Dany: I know Cersei has talked a lot of shit, but I’m not here kill you all or burn Westeros to the ground.
Men who are quite literally covered in the ashes of their fallen brothers: Yes, we can definitely see that.

She gives them all a simple choice: either bend the knee and help her free Westeros from the tyranny of Cersei Lannister and those like her, or die. For the most part, they’re all quick to kneel. Except of course for Lordy Tarly, the righteous curmudgeon.

Tyrion tries to reason with Tarly, citing the fact that he was quick to switch allegiances from the Tyrells to the Lannisters, but it’s no use. He even opts for mercy, sending Tarly to the Wall where he can glare the White Walkers into oblivion, but neither Daenerys or Tarly are having it. Then Dickon steps in and Tyrion fucking loses it.

Dickon: You’ll have to kill me to.
Tyrion: No you don’t understand; we’ll need jaws like yours to rebuild this country once the war is done.

Even though Tyrion is suffering a severe internal struggle, Dany does not budge. These men made their choice and while honorable, she’s not going to allow dissenters to live, not even in chains. She sentences them both to death with one quick Dracarys, at which point every other survivor who may have been on the fence immediately drops to their knees. 

RIP Dickon. The strongest jaw and dumbest name that Westeros ever did see.

Jaime returns to King’s Landing for the second most traumatic interaction of his week: letting Cersei know that they are, for all intents and purposes, royally fucked.

As we’ve come to expect, Cersei keeps her cool in the face of devastating news. She knows their odds, but also knows that there is no scenario in which Daenerys lets them live. Jaime killed her father. Cersei has been rising armies against her. There can only be one hot blonde family in King’s Landing. It’s just not looking good for the Lannisters.

To make an already highly tense conversation even worse, Jaime then breaks the news about Olenna’s role in Joffrey’s death, at which point we actually see Cersei’s stone cold façade crack a bit.

Jaime: She’s dead. Her whole family is dead. You won.

Olenna, from the grave:

Surprise Bitch

Cersei’s anger solidifies her resolve: either they submit and die or fight and die. It’s obvious which choice she’s going to make, but the same can’t be said for Jaime.

DRAGONSTONE

Jon’s daily cliffside brooding is interrupted by the return of Dany and Drogon, who land close enough for Jon to have his first real interaction with a dragon. I’m not crying. It’s fine.

Dany watching Drogon snuggle up to Jon is the equivalent of any girl seeing a hot guy with a puppy. It doesn’t matter if she knows it yet, she’s already in. Science is against her, there’s no fighting it.

Dany: They’re beautiful aren’t they.
Jon: yoU’RE BEAUTIFUL—I MEAN, yeah they’re alright.

They discuss the battle at the Reach and Daenerys can tell that Jon is also conflicted about her so casually lighting the Lannister army up. Not because he cares about the Lannisters, but because he cares about men burning to death.  Plus, that means less people to help in the war against the White Walkers.
Dany changes the topic and finally gets around to asking Jon about Davos’ comment RE: taking a literal knife to the heart. This could have been a great moment for the two of them if, in a move we all should have seen coming, Jorah didn’t arrive to RUIN THE GOD DAMN MOMENT.

Damn It

Jorah, with his urgent fucking whispers and his “I just returned from a semester in Thailand” haircut, is finally back and Daenerys is actually choked up about it. She hugs him, swerving what looked like a potential kiss in the process, which puts Jon on high alert. Move over, White Walkers, enemy number one is now this old guy with the obvious boner for a teenage girl.

Somewhere inside near the alcohol reserves, Tyrion is chugging wine and trying to rationalize Daenerys’ decision to roast the Tarly’s and hundreds of other men he’s likely known his entire life. Varys isn’t helping, sharing his very similar experiences with Dany’s father and the role he played there.

Varys: You need to find a way to make her listen before she goes crazy.
Tyrion: * chugs entire bottle of wine *

Jon receives a raven with news that Arya and Brann are alive and that Brann saw the army of the dead marching for Eastwatch. He’s ready to pack up and head home, with or without Daenerys’s army.

Dany says she can’t abandon her position and let Cersei waltz in, so Tyrion suggests bringing the threat to Cersei to make her believe. He proposes capturing one wight and bringing it to King’s Landing, to convince Cersei that this is something worth putting their differences aside for. In order for Cersei to even entertain the idea, Davos is going to smuggle Tyrion inside so that he can try and convince Jaime to make it all happen.

Let’s move past every logistical issue that this idea presents really quick to imagine Cersei, Jaime, Tyrion, Dany, and Jon all in one room trying to strategize against an army of zombies, with a very nervous Davos in the background. I get that this is the goal we’ve been working towards for a few years now, but it’s taken until this moment for that to seem even remotely real. Can you imagine the amount of wine that would require?

Jorah volunteers to go North to capture the wight, which means Jon immediately signs up as well. It makes sense, he’s the only one with any experience in the area, but that doesn’t mean anyone has to like it, especially Daenerys. The face she makes when Jon announces his plan honestly belongs on the cover of a Nicholas Sparks novel. JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY.

THE CITADEL

After warging into a flock of ravens and seeing the growing army of the dead, Brann decides it’s time to reach out to the Citadel for help. If only he knew that his letter would be read aloud to a table of catty old men in burlap sacks while Sam filed scrolls in the background.

While the Maesters laughed at the idea of a crippled boy seeing the White Walkers through a bird, Sam comes to his defense. He makes the valid point that a crippled kid who managed to survive on his own beyond the wall for years is someone they might want to listen to, even if what he has to say sounds insane.

Sam: If all you well-respected assholes were to, I don’t know, warn everyone about the White Walkers, we might be able to actually survive.

Archmaester:

Maybe So

It takes Sam breaking out his big boy voice, one that is three octaves lower than we’ve ever heard from him for the Maesters, to listen. They decide to reach out to Bran for clarification before moving forward. Good fucking luck with that one.

Later, Sam is starting to regret teaching Gilly how to read as she recites every inane fact that she can find while he goes through his first career-based existential crisis. Welcome to the club, my dude.

Gilly: What’s an annulment?
Sam: A really good fucking idea is what it is.

But she didn’t just ask for any reason. Gilly just so happened to find a passage about a secret annulment for none other than Rhaegar Targaryen that took place in Dorne. I’m sorry, did Sam just completely gloss over the part where Rhaegar’s marriage was annulled and he was remarried in secret in Dorne?? Is he so busy pouting over his job that he’s just going to ignore that Gilly likely found proof of Jon’s parentage?? COOL.

Instead of listening to the one tidbit of information that the internet has been clamoring for, Sam marches down to the restricted section of the library to steal some scrolls before packing up his family and busting out of the Citadel under the cover of darkness. Thank God. I could not have handled one more scene in this boring building full of crusty old men.

WINTERFELL

There appears to be some unrest at Winterfell, where the Lords of the North are suggesting that Sansa should be leading the North. She placates them for the time being, but Arya is suspicious. She follows Sansa back to her room, their parents’ old room in fact, to accuse her of hoping that Jon never returns.

Realistically, Arya and Sansa will never see eye to eye on these things. One of them is a political strategist and the other is an assassin and these aren’t typically the kind of people who approach situations with the same mindset. Sansa wants diplomacy and Arya wants wrath and I just want everyone to calm the fuck down.

Rainbows And Smiles

KING’S LANDING

Davos and Tyrion arrive on the shores of King’s Landing a mere five minutes after deciding to move forward with their plan. God bless this shortened season and its lack of patience for long travel montages.

Tyrion: Last time I was here, I killed my dad.
Davos: Last time I was here, you killed my son.
Tyrion: Honestly that was like two seasons ago. No one even cares anymore.

Bronn drags Jaime into the dragon skeleton basement of King’s Landing under the pretense of training, but instead brings him face to face with Tyrion. Last time Jaime saw Tyrion was right after he murdered their dad and yet this is still a slightly less uncomfortable reunion than Sansa and Bran’s.

Tyrion: Man. You look good. So good. Not even a little charred.
Jaime: What did I do to deserve two siblings who bring me nothing but suffering.

While Tyrion makes his plea to Jaime, Davos takes a stroll through Flea Bottom to find our long-lost second-favorite bastard. That’s right, GENDRY IS BACK. With a quick throwaway reference to the fact that this poor kid has been rowing for the past five or so years, Davos gets right to the point.

Davos: Nothing fucks you harder than time.
Gendry: Weird way to start a conversation but okay.

Davos came to recruit Gendry into their war. Not sure how psyched Daenerys will be to have a Baratheon in her ranks, but I’m here for her collecting every attractive bastard that Westeros has to offer. Davos has a similar thought and warns him to keep his bloodlines to himself.

They may their way back to their boat on the shore where some guards happen upon them. Davos managed to trick them with some gold and Westerosi Viagra, which could have made for a clean getaway if Tyrion hadn’t arrived at that very moment. As the most famous and wanted dwarf in the country, he’s kind of hard to miss.

Gendry knocks the guards out before any trouble can start, and the three of them start their journey back to Dragonstone. With Gendry’s experience, they’ll be back in about 15 minutes.

Jaime makes his way back to Cersei’s rooms for his second life-ruining conversation this episode. I don’t know when this poor guy became the most relatable person on this show, but as a middle child, perpetual meddler and someone who constantly finds herself mediating fights that she has no right having any part in, I feel for him.

Jaime: So Tyrion was here.
Cersei:
Jaime:
Cersei: Bitch I know.
Jaime: Why do I even try?

Now in possession of Qyburn’s many little birds, Cersei already knew that Tyrion was in the city and that Bronn had facilitated a meeting. She’s open to meeting with Daenerys, not because she’s afraid of the White Walkers, but because she knows that in times of war it’s best to keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Cersei: Never betray me again
Jaime: * flashes back to his nightly fantasy of smothering her in her sleep * Of course not.

DRAGONSTONE, AGAIN

Back on the shores of Dragonstone, Davos is prepping Gendry for his first meeting with Jon.

Davos: Whatever you do, do not tell him that you are the bastard son of Robert Baratheon.
Gendry: For sure.
*Two minutes later*
Gendry: Hello your Grace, I am Gendry, the bastard son of Robert Baratheon.

Gendry thinks that since their fathers were close friends, he and Jon should trust each other as well. He wants to fight for Jon, who accepts him in spite his total lack of fighting experience or really any experience in something that isn’t rowing a boat.

Gendry: I want to fight zombies.
Jon: Dude, I also want to fight zombies.
Gendry: Did we just become best friends?
Davos: Fuck me right? The only guy in all of Westeros with survival skills. It’s cool, no one listen to me.

Everyone makes their way down to the beach to bid farewell to the crew headed out to catch zombies. Is it a coincidence that the team is led by two men who spend 98% of their time glaring into the distance? Probably not.

Back for revenge, it’s now Jon’s turn to ruin a tender moment between Jorah and Dany as he strides up in the middle of their goodbye. Jorah manages a quick kiss on the hand before Jon steals the show with his own special kind of sentimentality.

Jon: Well hey, at least if I die you won’t have to worry about me refusing to bow to you.
Dany: Not a kiss, but I’ll take it.

Like, could Daenerys look any more love struck as they push their boat out into the surf? Jorah feels it. Tyrion feels it. Every angry commenter who will point out that I’m advocating for incest feels it. We all know this is happening. WE KNOW.

EASTWATCH

Our last stop this episode, Jon and his merry crew of wildling hunters have landed at Eastwatch, where Tormund is less than excited to hear about their new plan.

Tormund: You want to go back out there?
Jon: Yes.
Tormund: And you didn’t even bring my warrior queen to try and convince me? Fake friend.

Despite his misgivings, Tormund is obviously on board with the plan because he’s a day one Jon Snow ride or die bitch. What makes things even more interesting is the group he presents to Jon as potential recruits. The Hound, Beric, and Thoros were picked up just south of Eastwatch while attempting to travel beyond the wall and are absolutely game to join Jon’s potential suicide mission. Let’s do a quick breakdown of the group here.

Jorah’s father, the previous Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, hunted Tormund and the wildlings. In turn, Tormund fucked him and his men up. They hated each other. Jorah and his father also weren’t fond of each other, but that’s not going to stop Jorah and Tormund from getting into it.

The last time Gendry ran into Beric and the Brotherhood, they sold him to Melisandre who tried to sacrifice him to the Lord of Light. Needless to say, also not fans of each other.

Then there’s the Hound, who hates fucking everyone, and Jon, who also likely hates everyone but really just wants to stop the White Walkers and maybe relax for once in his cursed life.

Together, this motley crew is heading out into a frozen wasteland to try and catch a wight and save Westeros from disaster. It’s like an Armageddon sequel. Take all my money and give me one hundred spinoffs.

Shut Up And Take My Money

All in all, not the most exhilarating episode this season. But to be fair, we probably didn’t need much more excitement after last week. Maybe I’ll actually be able to fall asleep before dawn tonight without all that post-dragon battle adrenaline pumping through my veins.

What will next week hold? A coup in the North? Peace between two warring queens? More cryptic mumblings from Brann? A montage in which Daenerys tries and fails to write love letters to Jon? Only time will tell.

Dany when Jon finally sails back into Dragonstone:

The Notebook

Stop Trying To Make Dragonstone Happen: ‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap

Wow. Here we are. Back again for another thrilling installment of our Game of Thrones recaps. So, who lived, who died, and who showed their boobs? Let’s dive in…

This week’s episode opens on a horrifically stormy night in Dragonstone, where Tyrion and Varys are casually talking about the night Dany was born like two proud gay dads.

Varys: Everyone in King’s Landing loves you
Dany:

Tyrion tells Dany that they can take the seven kingdoms basically anytime, but her plan was never to burn shit down and takeover. Part of her charm as a ruler is that people actually want to follow her, which would be less likely if she just rolled in and blew everything up *cough*CERSEI*cough*.

Dany changes the topic to immediately grilling Varys and his resume under many different aspiring kings. It’s uncomfortabl, to say the least. Not even muffled support from Tyrion can derail her storm of questions about all the leaders he’s supported and then betrayed.

Rather than get smarmy like we may have expected, Varys is refreshingly honest. What a concept. He tells Daenerys that because he grew up on the streets and suffered under the great Lords of Westeros, his loyalty lies only with the people: the lowborn, the bedraggled and the enslaved. The povos, if you will. This was a wise argument to make to the Breaker of Chains, and it appears he’s convinced her for the time being. Honestly, Varys 2020. His odds are good against Trump and the Rock.


 

Dany asks him to keep her accountable to the people rather than conspire against her if she strays, which was a cute moment until she vowed to burn him alive if he ever betrayed her. Never a dull moment in Dragonstone.

This little pow wow over loyalties is brought to an end by the arrival of the Melisandre, who must have heard there was another hot, young potential savior floating around Westeros and thus rode her shadow demon-baring ass to their doorstep immediately. If nothing else, I respect her dedication to absolute thirst at all cost.

Dany welcomes Melisandre, a former slave and now Red Priestess, with open arms. Varys proves more difficult to win over.

Varys: She used to serve under Stannis Baratheon and it didn’t turn out well JUST SAYING.
Daenerys: I’m sorry, but what the fuck did we literally just discuss?

Melisandre is there to warn Dany about the long night and all that it brings, thinking that she could play a pivotal role in saving them all from the White Walkers. For book readers and internet theorizers alike, this is a big moment as it’s the first notable reference this season to the Prince That Was Promised AKA the driving force behind the fire religion and the reason that Melisandre has been hopping from king to king the past six seasons.

Dany: You think I could be the Prince that is referenced in this prophecy?
Melisandre: Yeah so if I’ve learned anything in the past couple years, it’s to not fuck with prophecies. Character development, am I right?

Melisandre believes that the prophecy could reference both Jon and Daenerys, and that their collective survival depends on the two of them coming together. Tyrion’s ears perk right up at learning that Jon is now the King of the North. Melisandre waxes poetic about Jon’s accomplishments as Lord Commander and King of the North, yet somehow fails to mention the whole part where he literally came back to life, or how bad she wanted to bone him. She wants Dany to summon him to Dragonstone so she can try to bang him again get to know him and Tyrion is in full support.

Dany: Yeah why not, let’s invite him.
Tyrion: Thank God.
Dany: And then let’s make him pledge his allegiance to my superiority.
Tyrion: Like honestly it’s always one step forward and two steps back with you isn’t it.

Later on in the war room, Daenerys’ inner circle is sitting around and bickering about their approach to Westeros. Yara, Ellaria and Olenna are all Team Attack King’s Landing As Soon As Possible, while Tyrion and Dany are Team Let’s Not Burn a Whole Fucking Country Down Because We Hate Cersei Lannister. Naturally, these two teams sit at opposing sides of strategy.

Dany: I will not be the Queen of Ashes
Olenna: Being well liked for sure worked out for my daughter. Who is now the literal Queen of Ashes. But it’s fine.

Tyrion and Dany then outline their plan for the naysayers in the room: The Westerosi armies (Martell, Greyjoy and Tyrell) will lay siege to the land surrounding King’s Landing and eventually King’s Landing itself. An attack from foreigners would only solidify Cersei’s recruitment tactic: that savages have come to take Westeros. No one seems on board for this until Tyrion unveils part two: The Unsullied, lead by Greyworm will sail directly to Casterly Rock, and over take the place that grants the Lannisters all their power. Everyone in the room seems equal parts shocked and aroused at Tyrion is suggesting laying siege to his own home, which is enough to win them all over. Everyone except Olenna that is, which earns her a private audience with Dany.

Not one to mince words, Olenna gets right to the point. Tyrion may be clever, but clever men die all the time. The feminist vibes are very strong. She says the reason that Daenerys has been so successful up to this point is because she hasn’t been working within the rules of Westeros, and this great invasion is no time to start. Also, Dany and Olenna are women, which makes them better than everyone, obviously. Girls rule, boys drool, etc…etc… 

Olenna: The Lords of Westeros are sheep. Don’t be a sheep. You are a dragon. Be a dragon.
Dany: What are your thoughts about putting that on a shirt?

Not to be dramatic but, Greyworm and Missandei’s goodbye scene is the best thing to happen to me all weekend. Their awkward and whispered declarations of love cleared up my skin and improved my credit score.

Greyworm: You are my weakness.
Missandei: Not a compliment, but continue.

After a rom com worthy speech about not experiencing real fear until her knew her, we’re treated to what no one really ever thought was possible: a sex scene starring Greyworm. Better yet, it wasn’t horrifyingly awkward like we all thought it would be. Why did it take until this moment to realize that, without a functioning dick, Greyworm had the potential to become the reigning King of going down on people? Is a boyfriend with no dick actually the best possible boyfriend to have? What is a penis good for, really? Stay tuned. 

Greyworm and Missandei: *Slowly grow to love and accept each other for their flaws and overcome the many obstacles in the way of their love*
Me:

Finally, a happy couple in this show who mutually respect each other! Can’t wait for them to both die painful deaths!

Meanwhile In Winterfell…

Across the country on the foot of the world’s fastest Raven, Tyrion’s letter has arrived in Jon’s hands. He, Sansa, and Davos discuss the risks of Jon going to Dragonstone and the likelihood of this being one giant trap.

Jon: You know Tyrion better than any of us, what do you think?
Sansa: I think I’m not trying to pay a visit to my ex-husband, thanks.

Davos makes the very valid point that three dragons would make a considerable difference in the fight against the White Walkers, a threat which heavily outweighs the chances of Jon being hurt at Dragonstone. But it’s also important to remember that the rest of Westeros hasn’t watched Daenerys kick ass for the past seven seasons. To them, she’s is just the daughter of the Mad King; another Targaryen with a fleet of dragons at her disposal. The last time that happened, the entire country broke into war.

Jon: Idk I think we should blindly trust the daughter of the man who tried to burn down all of Westeros.
Davos: Worth a shot.
Sansa:

Later on, Sam’s raven finally arrives from the Citadel. Leave it to Sam to pick the slowest fucking raven in all of Westeros. Either way, Jon finally knows about the dragonglass reserve living below Dragonstone, which means there’s no way he’s ghosting Dany now.

Jon gathers the Lords to announce that he will be accepting Tyrion’s invitation to Dragonstone, casually throwing in that Dany has a powerful army and three dragons under her control. No one is psyched to hear that, least of all Sansa.

Sansa: How many more traps are you going to fall for??
Jon: At least twenty this season but that is beside the point.

You know things are bad when even Lyanna Mormont is against Jon’s plan. Every Lord and Lady in that room are screaming at him to come to his senses, and nevertheless, he persisted. While Jon is short on things like foresight and rational thinking, he appears to have an unlimited supply of impassioned speeches at his disposal. He tells them all that this is quite literally their only hope, because they desperately need both dragonglass and allies.

It doesn’t look like anyone will be siding with Jon this time until he goes so far as to pass all power to Sansa in his absence. That’s right, our baby is finally Queen of the North and while I’m sitting here beaming as I type that sentence, no one is as stoked as Baelish.

Baelish:

Although his spirits significantly drop after visiting Jon in the Stark family crypt, where Littlefinger decides to try and bond with Jon over things like his dead father and how much his adopted mother hated him.

Petyr: I was bummed when your dad got murdered because it then became clear that Catelyn would rather die alone than marry me. Lucky for me, your sister looks a whole lot like her.

Not catching on to how little Jon wants to speak to him, Petyr goes on to tell him that he loved Catelyn and now loves Sansa just the same. Jon responds with a quick chokehold, quickly reminding us all why we love him so.

Jon: Talk to my sister and I’ll kill you myself.
Me: 

Back At King’s Landing…

Meanwhile, Cersei is holding court amongst former members of House Tyrell, lecturing them about the dangers of Dany and the Dothrakis that she brought across the ocean with her.

Cersei: This bitch Daenerys has crucified noblemen and then fed them to her dragons.
Everyone: Um but remember that time you literally blew an entire cathedral of noblemen up?

Cersei is asking these men, formerly loyal to the Tyrells, to align with the Lannisters against Daenerys and Olenna. They are, uh, skeptical to say the least.

Lord Tarly: Yeah, so what’s your plan against her three full grown dragons?
Cersei: new number, who dis?

Jaime approaches Lord Tarly after the gathering, who took time out of his busy schedule of despising his oldest son to make a quick trip to King’s Landing.

Jaime: It’s so kind of you to make it all the way out here.
Tarly: Right, because your sister responds so well to refusals I hear.

Jaime wants Tarly to swear allegiance to Cersei and in return, he will be made a leading general in the Lannister army. Tarly, for all his faults, is a man who stands by his word and doesn’t react well to the idea of betraying his oath to the Tyrells. Jaime sweetens the deal by offering Lord Tarly the title of Warden of the South once the war is one. That’s a super big if considering they’re going up against three dragons and a legion of warriors, but glory is calling and if world history this show has taught me anything, powerful white men will go to great lengths for it.

Qyburn has taken Cersei down into the bowels of the Red Keep for a tour of Robert’s dragon trophies. It’s a fun trip down memory lane for Cersei until they happen upon the largest skull of all, which Qyburn uses to make the point that, while terrifying, dragons are not indestructible. He proves this by unveiling the world’s largest crossbow, which he’s had made specifically to take down dragons. Honestly, if he wasn’t so fucking creepy Cersei probably would have fucked this guy already. At this point, he’s the only man in her life to not disappoint her.

At The Boring Ass Citadel…

We finally get a real peek at Jorah in the citadel, who is undergoing a particularly bleak doctor’s appointment. Maesters clearly don’t include bedside manner in their extensive training. The Archmaester tells Jorah that he’s got 10 – 20 years before the grayscale kills him, but a max six months before he goes insane and tries to start eating people. Sam watches on uncomfortably from the sidelines as Arch Cristina Yang delivers the news with the same delicacy that he probably describes the bed pans that the pledges have to clean out.  

Sam: Shireen Baratheon was cured, are you sure there’s nothing we can do?
Archmaester: Which one of us has been studying grayscale for the past fifty years and which one of us scoops shit out of buckets every morning?
Sam: Harsh, but fair.

The Archmaester offers Jorah an extra day before they ship him off to the island of stone men. While he cites Jorah’s knight status as the reasoning, his lingering and not at all subtle glances toward the giant sword in the corner of the room makes his point abundantly clear: just kill yourself.

After that light-hearted session, the Archmaester lectures Sam around the library while collecting research for his book about the War of the Five Kings and all the things that followed it. Sam thinks he may have found a cure for grayscale and is promptly shut down when he is told that the Maester who wrote those particular reports died from experimenting on Grayscale. Naturally, this doesn’t stop him.

Instead of writing to his family, as suggested, Jorah decides to pen one last sad, handwritten book to his Khaleesi. It won’t be as effective without his quiet, urgent whispers, but I’m sure she can use her imagination.

Sam interrupts him with a speech about knowing Jorah’s father and a promise that he will somehow cure him of this disease that no one has been able to find a cure for. Clearly ignoring the wishes of his Archmaester, Sam sets in on experimenting on Jorah after a hefty swig of rum. I know I like my doctors to be tipsy before starting any kind of procedure on me.

Jorah: Do you know what you’re doing?
Sam: No I don’t and honestly you’re starting to sound a lot like my dad.

Sam proceeds to remove Jorah’s infected layer of skin without any kind of pain killer and then asks him to keep quiet. I was screaming just watching on my couch, so I’m sure that went well. The whole thing was like, the worst pimple-popping YouTube video of all time and I think I speak for the entire world when I say I was not, under any circumstances, here for it. 

Wherever The Fuck Arya Is…

Arya hits a tavern en route to King’s Landing and finds her old friend Hot Pot, who asks if she’d run into Brienne yet. She evades that discussion, just like she evades any other personal question he asks, opting to just drink ale instead. It was like watching myself on screen, except with medieval clothing.

All plans of murdering Cersei fly out the window when Hot Pot tells Arya that Jon has taken back King’s Landing. She drops her pie, hops on her horse, and heads North to where she belongs. Will we be blessed with a second Stark reunion?? The odds aren’t in our favor but man will I get my hopes up anyway. 

Things aren’t looking good for her journey when Arya’s campsite is surrounded by wolves, which would potentially be the most ironic death that this entire show has given us. We’re baited with the second most triumphant moment of this season when a direwolf that Arya thinks is Nymeria arrives. Either it wasn’t her or Nymeria no longer gives a fuck, because the direwolf leaves and takes all the regular wolves with it. Seeing as how it didn’t eat her, I’m optimistic that this means Nymeria is back for good. I can’t believe that season seven is actually delivering all the Stark family reunions that we so rightly deserve.

Somewhere In The Ocean, IDK…

The Greyjoys have clearly made it to Dorne to pick up their army and are headed to King’s Landing for phase one of the war. More strategic progress has been made in this single episode than the first two seasons combined.

In his ongoing suffering, Theon is forced to sit by and serve alcohol to Yara and Ellaria as they shamelessly flirt with each other. Will he ever know peace? Not likely. Yara’s shrug to her brother as Ellaria is basically fingering her in front of him is painfully realistic because we’ve all employed it once or twice or a hundred times in our lives. It was the human embodiment of ¯_(ツ)_/¯: I shouldn’t do this but that’s not going to stop me.

Any hopes of some girl on girl action are interrupted when Euron’s arrives and lays siege to their entire fleet. Full-scale battle breaks out on this dark ship full of people in the same outfit, so I really wasn’t sure how things were going for a while, but it became clear quickly that Yara and Theon were not coming out on top here. Euron takes down two of the Sand Snakes while his men capture Ellaria and the third who was sent down to protect her. Theon loses all cool and jumps off the boat instead of trying to save his sister from his uncle. If they both die mere moments after making out below deck, this truly brings the “Bury Your Gays” trope to a whole new level.

Will Yara and Ellaria survive? Will Nymeria come back? Will Jon hook up with Dany before realizing that they’re relatives? Guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out.

MVB (Most Valuable Betch) of the Episode: Arya, duh – chugging alcohol rather than having to reflect on her life or answer a single personal question about herself = a true inspiration to us all.

‘Big Little Lies’ Isn’t Getting A Second Season Because We Can’t Have Nice Things

Unless you’ve been living your life off social media the past few weeks then there’s no way you missed people literally losing their minds over HBO’s Big Little Lies. And what’s not to love? Murder, decadence, and Alexander Skarsgård in all his DILF glory? Honestly, I’ve wasted hours of my life watched shows for less.

In case you’re a home-schooled jungle freak who doesn’t know what I’m talking about then let me break it down for you: this is a show about 5 rich friends who get away with murder until A decides to seek reveng—wait, fuck, that’s Pretty Little Liars. My B guys. Sorry, Big Little Lies is actually v different plot-wise, like out of this world different, huuugely different. Instead of five little liars this show focuses on the real housewives of Monterey, CA, who have way too much time and money on their hands. When they’re not busy starting cat fights over who gets to be the head betch in charge of car pool then they’re casually committing and covering murders. Hmm maybe I have heard this plot line before…

Pretty Little Liars

The final episode aired on Sunday and it will give you emotional whiplash. But you can stop trying to make season two happen because in an interview with Vulture executive producer and director of Big Little Lies, Jean-Marc Vallée, said: “No, no, this is the perfect ending. There is no way; there’s no reason to make a season 2. That was meant to be a one-time deal, and it’s finishing in a way where it’s for the audience to imagine what can happen.” So it’s a no from him. 

And this is why we can’t have nice things. Tbh I think the real reason for there not being a second season has less to do with “the perfect ending” and more to do with Reese Witherspoon having better things to do with her life than be a slave to HBO viewers. Like winning murder trials based off the basic rules of hair care, or really anything else.

What Like It's Hard

Sorry, betches. If you want to get inside the mind of a murderous housewife then you’ll just have to start talking to your mother again. Sighs.