Hmm…so here we are. The famed penultimate episode of this Game of Thrones season. For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, the second-to-last episode of every Game Of Thrones season is always the episode where shit goes down. Past seasons have given us The Rains of Castamere (aka The Red Wedding), The Battle of The Bastards, and The Watchers On The Wall. This season we got…Ocean’s 11: White Walkers?

Full disclosure: I did not like this episode, so let’s get into the roasting, shall we?

Beyond The Wall

The episode begins and I’d almost already forgotten that the plot of tonight’s episode is going to be, “try to kidnap a zombie and bring it back to Westeros.” Fuck. That is such a terrible idea.

This is a show in which a pair of twins have children together, and I think this might be the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

Everyone is trying to make Gendry be chill about the fact that his comrades sold him to Melisandre and she put leeches on his penis. Don’t give in, Gendry. You are hot have a right to your feelings.

Real question: Has anyone ever travelled further or endured more to be in the friend zone than Jorah Mormont? Dude was sold into slavery, got his skin scraped off, and now he’s beyond the world on Operation Zombie Kidnap, all so Dany might give him a hug later. So sad.

Mormont and Jon Snow get into an honor-off over which one of them gets to keep the fancy sword. The whole thing is very phallic.

Jon: I’m so honorable, I’m giving you the sword.
Jorah: I’m so honorable, I’m giving you the sword back.
Me:

Winterfell

It’s Sansa Vs. Arya: Who Will Bitch Slap Who?

Arya: Remember our dad? He used to stand here.
Sansa: Uh…yeah I was there.

Arya is all pissed off about a letter none of us remember from like 15 seasons ago.

Sansa: You’re being really petty right now.
Me: True.
Arya: You used to be really fucking stupid.
Me: Also true.

Arya tries to hit Sansa with an “I was training to be a faceless man,” while Sansa responds with an “I low-key saved this entire family.”

Ugh. Littlefinger is such a tricky bitch for pitting the girls against each other this way. Don’t they realize they should be using their Lady Stark powers to save the North??

Beyond The Wall

We cut back to the wall and everyone is literally just still walking. The Hound teaches Big Red (or whatever tf this character’s name is) the word “dick,” and Big Red won’t shut tf up about Brienne, who isn’t interested.

This scene serves literally no purpose, and was a waste of all of our times.

Dragonstone

We open on Dany giving Tyrion a backhanded compliment.

The conversation quickly shifts to Jon Snow, and Dany and Tyrion start acting like a couple of middle school girls who are trying to figure out if they both have a crush on the same guy.

Tyrion: He likes you!
Dany: No he doesn’t!
Tyrion: You like him!
Dany: He’s too short!
Tyrion: omg!

Tyrion tries to casually bring up the fact that Dany has a bad temper, Dany counters that by getting insanely pissed and storming out of the castle.

Tyrion: Hey since you’re like barren or whatever maybe we should figure out who inherits the throne when you die?
Dany: RUDE

Beyond The Wall

Ugh. The five most boring characters and Jon Snow are still walking. Walking walking walking — OH FUCK IS THAT A POLAR BEAR?

YOOOOO IS THAT A ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR?

Welp, our fateful band of semi-virgins set out to find a zombie, and now they fucking found one. Good for you, Jon Snow. You’ve fought the wildlings, the Boltons, a wight, a White Walker, and now a zombie bear. Good for fucking you.

The zombie bears are going ham killing everyone except the characters we actually care about. One of them chomps on Thoros for a good 30 seconds and yet he somehow survives.

Beric uses his flaming sword, which just turns the murderous zombie bears into murderous zombie bears that are on fire. Good job, Beric.

For real though, shouldn’t the fire stop the zombie bears? Do the zombie bears follow different rules than zombie people in the Game Of Thrones universe? What the fuck is happening?

Winterfell

Littlefinger tries to drag Brienne into his Arya-on-Sansa fantasy, and guess what, it works.

Brienne: Cersei wants you to come to Kings Landing.
Sansa: Lol nah you can go instead.

Sansa uses this opportunity to rummage through Arya’s shit looking for….weapons? Money? IDK.

BET YA DIDN’T EXPECT TO FIND A BAG FULL OF FACES, YA BISH.

Okay, but seriously, Arya just like…keeps the faces in her bag? That’s how the faces work? You just like, toss them in your bag along with a couple tampons and a bobby pin and shit?

Arya At Brunch: Ugh sorry about my enormous bag, I just have like, my whole makeup bag, my lunch, a hair straightener, and like 15 faces in here. Can’t leave the house without them!

Of course Arya walks in right as Sansa finds the bag full of faces. Doesn’t Sansa get that she’s like, a ninja or some shit now?

Arya: Why don’t I give another long speech about feminism?
Sansa: Umm no bitch you can’t change the subject I need to know wtf is up with these faces.

Arya: **pulls out knife like she’s going to cut Sansa’s face off**
Arya: **hands Sansa the knife instead**
Me: So did y’all two just make up or…?

Beyond The Wall

Operation Zombie Kidnap is in full effect. Luckily for all the main characters, none of them died in the dead-flaming-polar-bear attack and now they’re all 100% fit to take on the band of White Walkers they’ve just stumbled upon.

Jon: **Kills a White Walker and like 10 wights explode with him**
Me: This feels like important information.

Things are actually going pretty well for a group of five humans who travelled thousands of miles to try and kill a mythical undead corpse-person, but then they finally get to the “kidnap a zombie” part of their plan and shit starts to fall apart.

We now move into Plan B of Operation Zombie Kidnap, which apparently is just “Gendry runs as fast as he can back to the wall.”

These guys really didn’t think this through, did they?

Even still, they’re all doing a pretty good job considering there appear to be over a thousand wights and White Walkers and just like, five or six of them.

They’re able to fight their way onto a very conveniently located rock and now the plan is to just…wait? Luckily in all the hubbub they were able to still keep an eye on the wight they tied up. I guess these guys are still really committed to bringing one of these things back home with them.

CUT TO: Gendry Forrest-Gumping it across the North. Remember when it took like, multiple seasons to get to get places? Well now Gendry can just run the entire distance of the North during the commercial breaks, and ravens send as fast as texts.

(I know Game Of Thrones doesn’t have commercial breaks don’t @ me.)

Gendry collapses just before the end of his marathon. The fact that “Gendry running as fast as he can back to The Wall” is the only part of this plan that worked out is so, so baffling to me.

Back at the conveniently located rock, Jon and co are not doing so hot. Thoros died, which makes sense because he was attacked by a zombie polar bear that was on fire.

Beric does his flaming sword trick for the 15th time and honestly, I’m no longer impressed. Get a new trick, dude.

In the distance we see The Night King, aka Demon Elsa, and somebody (I can’t remember who, this episode was really stupid) has the brilliant realization that if you kill him, you probably kill all The White Walkers at once.

Jon: Challenge accepted.

Dragonstone & Beyond The Wall

Cut to Dany serving us full “Winter Is Here,” ready to fuck some shit up. She’s going to get on her dragon and fly north to set shit on fire, aka the very obvious thing that she should have done from the beginning.

Dany: I’m flying North.
Me: When tf did you have time to get a winter coat made?

Back beyond the wall, The Hound just fucked everyone over by throwing snowballs at the wights. Men are so fucking stupid.

We’re now in for one of Game Of Thrones’ famously boring riveting fight scenes.

Jon: Fall back!!! Fall back!
Everyone: Lol where?

The entire crew is surrounded. They all grab hands and accept death like at the end of Toy Story 3, then…

DRAGOOONNSSSS

Dany shows up on her dragons and does what we all have wanted her to do from day one: starts burning zombies.

Dany: Get on the dragon loser, we’re going back to Westeros.
Jon: Just lemme kill a few more zombies real quick.

Everybody is so busy paying attention to wtf Jon is up to, that nobody realizes Undead Elsa is about to kill one of the fucking dragons with his ice spear.

Word to the wise: if the fucking Ice King is anywhere near your shit, have one person in your crew assigned to watching the Ice King at all times. Ya gotta keep an eye on the Ice King.

Live footage of the Ice King approaching to kill everyone:

Dany is now force to haul ass out of the North with one less dragon, while Jon Snow gets pulled into yet another fake-out death.

Jon Snow: **almost dies**
Me: Lol yea right dude you can’t die. Uncle Benjen is probably going to show up to save you or some dumb shit like that.

Uncle Benjen: **Shows up to save Jon**
Me: Of. Fucking. Course.

The Wall

Dany is sad because her new boyfriend who she doesn’t realize is actually probably her nephew is either dead or a zombie right now, and her dragon baby is also dead.

Luckily for her, it’s apparently very easy to just ride away from an entire army of White Walkers, and Jon is actually like, fine.

Me, every second of this episode so far:

CUT TO: Jon awaking with Dany standing over his bedside.

Dany sees Jon’s stab wounds for the first time and is like, “I KNEW I smelled a red flag.”

Even still, Jon looks so good whenever he wakes up from a near death experience. We, the audience, know this, but Danearys Targaryen has yet to experience it.

Dany: I can’t have kids.
Jon: Okay…
Dany: But we can like, do other stuff…

We find out that Jon is down to bend the knee to Danearys, but more importantly it’s pretty clear that Danearys is down to bend da knees to Jon, if ya know what I mean (blow jobs).

Beyond The Wall

Lest you forget, the idiots who decided that kidnapping an undead demon was a good idea, also let one of their dragons be killed, and left that dragon’s body in the hands of the White Walkers.

If you didn’t see this coming, you literally have not been paying attention.

That’s right: We’ve got a White Walker dragon now. What does that mean, exactly? IDK, but it can’t be fucking good.

The episode opens on the fiery graveyard that is the Reach and luckily for all of us, the show runners didn’t even decide to further entertain the thought of Jaime or Bronn’s death. They come crawling out of the lake on the opposite end of the shore, away from where Daenerys and company have set up camp.

The Reach

The first, wholly ungrateful words out of Jaime’s mouth: You could have killed me.
Bronn: And honestly I SHOULD have.

Bronn is not here for Jaime dying before he gets his now-much-deserved castle. He’s also not here to fuck with three dragons after watching the havoc that one just managed to cause. Jaime, it would appear, isn’t too crazy about the idea either.

Jaime: This is fucking insane.
Bronn: Yep.
Jaime: THREE DRAGONS.
Bronn: Yep.
Jaime: I have to tell Cersei.
Bronn: How far away can I get before you do that.

Across the way, Tyrion is surveying the wreckage from their clearly victorious battle. It’s, uh, pretty bleak to say the least. It’s obvious he’s highly conflicted about everything that just happened, and that’s before we even get to the (literal) firing squad.

The Dothraki have lined up the surviving members of the Lannister army, who are about to receive their first ever momentous speech from the Queen of Dragons herself. Honestly, I’m jealous.

Dany: I know Cersei has talked a lot of shit, but I’m not here kill you all or burn Westeros to the ground.
Men who are quite literally covered in the ashes of their fallen brothers: Yes, we can definitely see that.

She gives them all a simple choice: either bend the knee and help her free Westeros from the tyranny of Cersei Lannister and those like her, or die. For the most part, they’re all quick to kneel. Except of course for Lordy Tarly, the righteous curmudgeon.

Tyrion tries to reason with Tarly, citing the fact that he was quick to switch allegiances from the Tyrells to the Lannisters, but it’s no use. He even opts for mercy, sending Tarly to the Wall where he can glare the White Walkers into oblivion, but neither Daenerys or Tarly are having it. Then Dickon steps in and Tyrion fucking loses it.

Dickon: You’ll have to kill me to.
Tyrion: No you don’t understand; we’ll need jaws like yours to rebuild this country once the war is done.

Even though Tyrion is suffering a severe internal struggle, Dany does not budge. These men made their choice and while honorable, she’s not going to allow dissenters to live, not even in chains. She sentences them both to death with one quick Dracarys, at which point every other survivor who may have been on the fence immediately drops to their knees. 

RIP Dickon. The strongest jaw and dumbest name that Westeros ever did see.

Jaime returns to King’s Landing for the second most traumatic interaction of his week: letting Cersei know that they are, for all intents and purposes, royally fucked.

As we’ve come to expect, Cersei keeps her cool in the face of devastating news. She knows their odds, but also knows that there is no scenario in which Daenerys lets them live. Jaime killed her father. Cersei has been rising armies against her. There can only be one hot blonde family in King’s Landing. It’s just not looking good for the Lannisters.

To make an already highly tense conversation even worse, Jaime then breaks the news about Olenna’s role in Joffrey’s death, at which point we actually see Cersei’s stone cold façade crack a bit.

Jaime: She’s dead. Her whole family is dead. You won.

Olenna, from the grave:

Cersei’s anger solidifies her resolve: either they submit and die or fight and die. It’s obvious which choice she’s going to make, but the same can’t be said for Jaime.

DRAGONSTONE

Jon’s daily cliffside brooding is interrupted by the return of Dany and Drogon, who land close enough for Jon to have his first real interaction with a dragon. I’m not crying. It’s fine.

Dany watching Drogon snuggle up to Jon is the equivalent of any girl seeing a hot guy with a puppy. It doesn’t matter if she knows it yet, she’s already in. Science is against her, there’s no fighting it.

Dany: They’re beautiful aren’t they.
Jon: yoU’RE BEAUTIFUL—I MEAN, yeah they’re alright.

They discuss the battle at the Reach and Daenerys can tell that Jon is also conflicted about her so casually lighting the Lannister army up. Not because he cares about the Lannisters, but because he cares about men burning to death.  Plus, that means less people to help in the war against the White Walkers.
Dany changes the topic and finally gets around to asking Jon about Davos’ comment RE: taking a literal knife to the heart. This could have been a great moment for the two of them if, in a move we all should have seen coming, Jorah didn’t arrive to RUIN THE GOD DAMN MOMENT.

Jorah, with his urgent fucking whispers and his “I just returned from a semester in Thailand” haircut, is finally back and Daenerys is actually choked up about it. She hugs him, swerving what looked like a potential kiss in the process, which puts Jon on high alert. Move over, White Walkers, enemy number one is now this old guy with the obvious boner for a teenage girl.

Somewhere inside near the alcohol reserves, Tyrion is chugging wine and trying to rationalize Daenerys’ decision to roast the Tarly’s and hundreds of other men he’s likely known his entire life. Varys isn’t helping, sharing his very similar experiences with Dany’s father and the role he played there.

Varys: You need to find a way to make her listen before she goes crazy.
Tyrion: * chugs entire bottle of wine *

Jon receives a raven with news that Arya and Brann are alive and that Brann saw the army of the dead marching for Eastwatch. He’s ready to pack up and head home, with or without Daenerys’s army.

Dany says she can’t abandon her position and let Cersei waltz in, so Tyrion suggests bringing the threat to Cersei to make her believe. He proposes capturing one wight and bringing it to King’s Landing, to convince Cersei that this is something worth putting their differences aside for. In order for Cersei to even entertain the idea, Davos is going to smuggle Tyrion inside so that he can try and convince Jaime to make it all happen.

Let’s move past every logistical issue that this idea presents really quick to imagine Cersei, Jaime, Tyrion, Dany, and Jon all in one room trying to strategize against an army of zombies, with a very nervous Davos in the background. I get that this is the goal we’ve been working towards for a few years now, but it’s taken until this moment for that to seem even remotely real. Can you imagine the amount of wine that would require?

Jorah volunteers to go North to capture the wight, which means Jon immediately signs up as well. It makes sense, he’s the only one with any experience in the area, but that doesn’t mean anyone has to like it, especially Daenerys. The face she makes when Jon announces his plan honestly belongs on the cover of a Nicholas Sparks novel. JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY.

THE CITADEL

After warging into a flock of ravens and seeing the growing army of the dead, Brann decides it’s time to reach out to the Citadel for help. If only he knew that his letter would be read aloud to a table of catty old men in burlap sacks while Sam filed scrolls in the background.

While the Maesters laughed at the idea of a crippled boy seeing the White Walkers through a bird, Sam comes to his defense. He makes the valid point that a crippled kid who managed to survive on his own beyond the wall for years is someone they might want to listen to, even if what he has to say sounds insane.

Sam: If all you well-respected assholes were to, I don’t know, warn everyone about the White Walkers, we might be able to actually survive.

Archmaester:

It takes Sam breaking out his big boy voice, one that is three octaves lower than we’ve ever heard from him for the Maesters, to listen. They decide to reach out to Bran for clarification before moving forward. Good fucking luck with that one.

Later, Sam is starting to regret teaching Gilly how to read as she recites every inane fact that she can find while he goes through his first career-based existential crisis. Welcome to the club, my dude.

Gilly: What’s an annulment?
Sam: A really good fucking idea is what it is.

But she didn’t just ask for any reason. Gilly just so happened to find a passage about a secret annulment for none other than Rhaegar Targaryen that took place in Dorne. I’m sorry, did Sam just completely gloss over the part where Rhaegar’s marriage was annulled and he was remarried in secret in Dorne?? Is he so busy pouting over his job that he’s just going to ignore that Gilly likely found proof of Jon’s parentage?? COOL.

Instead of listening to the one tidbit of information that the internet has been clamoring for, Sam marches down to the restricted section of the library to steal some scrolls before packing up his family and busting out of the Citadel under the cover of darkness. Thank God. I could not have handled one more scene in this boring building full of crusty old men.

WINTERFELL

There appears to be some unrest at Winterfell, where the Lords of the North are suggesting that Sansa should be leading the North. She placates them for the time being, but Arya is suspicious. She follows Sansa back to her room, their parents’ old room in fact, to accuse her of hoping that Jon never returns.

Realistically, Arya and Sansa will never see eye to eye on these things. One of them is a political strategist and the other is an assassin and these aren’t typically the kind of people who approach situations with the same mindset. Sansa wants diplomacy and Arya wants wrath and I just want everyone to calm the fuck down.

KING’S LANDING

Davos and Tyrion arrive on the shores of King’s Landing a mere five minutes after deciding to move forward with their plan. God bless this shortened season and its lack of patience for long travel montages.

Tyrion: Last time I was here, I killed my dad.
Davos: Last time I was here, you killed my son.
Tyrion: Honestly that was like two seasons ago. No one even cares anymore.

Bronn drags Jaime into the dragon skeleton basement of King’s Landing under the pretense of training, but instead brings him face to face with Tyrion. Last time Jaime saw Tyrion was right after he murdered their dad and yet this is still a slightly less uncomfortable reunion than Sansa and Bran’s.

Tyrion: Man. You look good. So good. Not even a little charred.
Jaime: What did I do to deserve two siblings who bring me nothing but suffering.

While Tyrion makes his plea to Jaime, Davos takes a stroll through Flea Bottom to find our long-lost second-favorite bastard. That’s right, GENDRY IS BACK. With a quick throwaway reference to the fact that this poor kid has been rowing for the past five or so years, Davos gets right to the point.

Davos: Nothing fucks you harder than time.
Gendry: Weird way to start a conversation but okay.

Davos came to recruit Gendry into their war. Not sure how psyched Daenerys will be to have a Baratheon in her ranks, but I’m here for her collecting every attractive bastard that Westeros has to offer. Davos has a similar thought and warns him to keep his bloodlines to himself.

They may their way back to their boat on the shore where some guards happen upon them. Davos managed to trick them with some gold and Westerosi Viagra, which could have made for a clean getaway if Tyrion hadn’t arrived at that very moment. As the most famous and wanted dwarf in the country, he’s kind of hard to miss.

Gendry knocks the guards out before any trouble can start, and the three of them start their journey back to Dragonstone. With Gendry’s experience, they’ll be back in about 15 minutes.

Jaime makes his way back to Cersei’s rooms for his second life-ruining conversation this episode. I don’t know when this poor guy became the most relatable person on this show, but as a middle child, perpetual meddler and someone who constantly finds herself mediating fights that she has no right having any part in, I feel for him.

Jaime: So Tyrion was here.
Cersei: …
Jaime: …
Cersei: Bitch I know.
Jaime: Why do I even try?

Now in possession of Qyburn’s many little birds, Cersei already knew that Tyrion was in the city and that Bronn had facilitated a meeting. She’s open to meeting with Daenerys, not because she’s afraid of the White Walkers, but because she knows that in times of war it’s best to keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Cersei: Never betray me again
Jaime: * flashes back to his nightly fantasy of smothering her in her sleep * Of course not.

DRAGONSTONE, AGAIN

Back on the shores of Dragonstone, Davos is prepping Gendry for his first meeting with Jon.

Davos: Whatever you do, do not tell him that you are the bastard son of Robert Baratheon.
Gendry: For sure.
*Two minutes later*
Gendry: Hello your Grace, I am Gendry, the bastard son of Robert Baratheon.

Gendry thinks that since their fathers were close friends, he and Jon should trust each other as well. He wants to fight for Jon, who accepts him in spite his total lack of fighting experience or really any experience in something that isn’t rowing a boat.

Gendry: I want to fight zombies.
Jon: Dude, I also want to fight zombies.
Gendry: Did we just become best friends?
Davos: Fuck me right? The only guy in all of Westeros with survival skills. It’s cool, no one listen to me.

Everyone makes their way down to the beach to bid farewell to the crew headed out to catch zombies. Is it a coincidence that the team is led by two men who spend 98% of their time glaring into the distance? Probably not.

Back for revenge, it’s now Jon’s turn to ruin a tender moment between Jorah and Dany as he strides up in the middle of their goodbye. Jorah manages a quick kiss on the hand before Jon steals the show with his own special kind of sentimentality.

Jon: Well hey, at least if I die you won’t have to worry about me refusing to bow to you.
Dany: Not a kiss, but I’ll take it.

Like, could Daenerys look any more love struck as they push their boat out into the surf? Jorah feels it. Tyrion feels it. Every angry commenter who will point out that I’m advocating for incest feels it. We all know this is happening. WE KNOW.

EASTWATCH

Our last stop this episode, Jon and his merry crew of wildling hunters have landed at Eastwatch, where Tormund is less than excited to hear about their new plan.

Tormund: You want to go back out there?
Jon: Yes.
Tormund: And you didn’t even bring my warrior queen to try and convince me? Fake friend.

Despite his misgivings, Tormund is obviously on board with the plan because he’s a day one Jon Snow ride or die bitch. What makes things even more interesting is the group he presents to Jon as potential recruits. The Hound, Beric, and Thoros were picked up just south of Eastwatch while attempting to travel beyond the wall and are absolutely game to join Jon’s potential suicide mission. Let’s do a quick breakdown of the group here.

Jorah’s father, the previous Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, hunted Tormund and the wildlings. In turn, Tormund fucked him and his men up. They hated each other. Jorah and his father also weren’t fond of each other, but that’s not going to stop Jorah and Tormund from getting into it.

The last time Gendry ran into Beric and the Brotherhood, they sold him to Melisandre who tried to sacrifice him to the Lord of Light. Needless to say, also not fans of each other.

Then there’s the Hound, who hates fucking everyone, and Jon, who also likely hates everyone but really just wants to stop the White Walkers and maybe relax for once in his cursed life.

Together, this motley crew is heading out into a frozen wasteland to try and catch a wight and save Westeros from disaster. It’s like an Armageddon sequel. Take all my money and give me one hundred spinoffs.

All in all, not the most exhilarating episode this season. But to be fair, we probably didn’t need much more excitement after last week. Maybe I’ll actually be able to fall asleep before dawn tonight without all that post-dragon battle adrenaline pumping through my veins.

What will next week hold? A coup in the North? Peace between two warring queens? More cryptic mumblings from Brann? A montage in which Daenerys tries and fails to write love letters to Jon? Only time will tell.

Dany when Jon finally sails back into Dragonstone:

Tonight’s Game of Thrones made me listen to the sound of a horse dying after having its leg sliced off on a burning battlefield and for that, if nothing else, I will never forgive them. The episode opens on the Lannister army in the Reach, marching home from Highgarden with hella money taken to pay back the Iron Bank. Cersei didn’t even need the two weeks she asked for because, you know, the whole Lannisters and their debts thing. It’s season seven. We don’t need to say it. Jaime is clearly upset. Getting your shit rocked one last time by the saltiest woman in Westeros will do that to you. Knowing that he has to tell Cersei that Olenna did in fact get the ultimate last word probably isn’t helping.

Bronn: Did the Queen of Thorns give you one last prick in the balls before saying goodbye?
Jaime: Uh yeah you could say that. *imagines his son dying by poison at her hands*

Bronn wants a castle. Instead, Jaime sends him with the Tarlys (aka Sam’s mean dad) to steal the harvest of local farmers to feed their armies. Not quite the same thing.

The episode will also end in the Reach and it will be FAR more interesting, believe you me.

Winterfell

Baelish is attempting some bonding with Bran in his ongoing attempt to be a weird stepdad/husband hybrid to the children of his unrequited love. Honestly, let’s see this man attempt to win over Arya. Petyr gives him the dagger that was used in the attempt on his life back in season one, the very event that started the War of Five Kings and got everyone into this mess.

Baelish: This dagger made you what you are today.
Bran: Okay well first of all, fuck this dagger.

Petyr very much knows that Bran is the Three-Eyed Raven, or at the very least that he’s seen some shit. You can tell he’s already trying to figure out how to get his proximity to the Jaden Smith of Westeros to work in his advantage, but is interrupted by Meera. Remember her? It’s cool, Bran doesn’t either.

She’s come to tell him that she’s finally going home, and if she was hoping for any sort of emotional response to that news she is sorely out of luck.

Meera: Well you don’t need me anymore…so I guess I’ll go home.
Bran: You’re right, I don’t.
Meera: Okay no, that’s not how that conversation was supposed to go.

Meera reminds Bran of the long list of people who have died for him to become the Three-Eyed Raven, and with one of his now trademarked cryptic messages about existence. 

Bran: I remember what it was like to be Brandon Stark, but I’m not him anymore.
Also Bran:

Three-Eyed Raven? More like the Three-Eyed Fuckboy. Bran was one second away from telling Meera their relationship “wasn’t that serious” and they’d never agreed to be exclusive. You can give a man all-knowing powers and he’d still have no clue how to talk to women. SMDH…

More importantly, ARYA IS BACK.

She initially gets turned away from the gates of Winterfell by some idiot guards, who are no match for her in either intellect or fighting. They lose sight of her and immediately run to Sansa, who knows exactly where her sister would go: the crypts. No one in this family is known for their levity.

On a scale of Stark Reunions, this ranks above Bran but still so far below Jon. Would it kill these people to express emotion? It’s like watching myself reunite relatives I can’t stand at Thanksgiving.

Arya: Do I have to call you Lady Stark?
Sansa: Damn fucking straight.

Their conversation is shy and stilted, almost like they haven’t seen each other in seven years or something. Both are mere shadows of the girls they were when they were separated, hardened by time and suffering. This first interaction seems more like a time to size each other up rather than catch up on lost time.

Instead of bothering with small talk about their tortured existences, Arya gets right to the point: She’s a serial killer with a list of victims.

Sansa: What list?
Arya: I have a list of people I plan to kill.
Sansa: Okay honestly I know we’ve all been through some shit but can anyone just be like “Wow Sansa nice to see you.”

Pleasantries aside, Sansa lets Arya know that she’s not the only missing Stark to roll into Winterfell recently. They both head out to the Weirwood to find Bran, who musters up a semblance of a hug for this long-lost sister at least. Hey dude, last time I checked your arms still worked fine. *cough* fuckboy *cough*

Bran knows that Arya was about to head to King’s Landing to kill Cersei, at which point Sansa appears to finally come around to this list. Then he shows them both the dagger that Littlefinger gave him and hands it off to Arya. Sansa is immediately suspicious of anything that was gifted by Baelish, because she knows it comes with about 1,000 strings tied to it.

Brienne seeing the remaining Stark babies back together:

Baelish seeing the remaining Stark babies back together:

Brienne quickly recovers from her brief moment of sentimentality to embarrass Podrick in some training drills. Arya waltzes in and gives us all a brief, shimmering hope for a buddy cop spin-off starring her and Brienne when she asks for some personal training lessons. Sansa and Baelish watch from above, and it’s clear that Sansa is a little jealous that she has to share her bodyguard with another Stark girl.

The fight scene that follows is impressive, but what’s really notable is Littlefinger’s lingering glances on someone who isn’t Sansa. Either he’s impressed by Arya or sees another opportunity to manipulate the situation in his favor, but she’s having none of his knowing glances.

So, just to recap:

Jon: I rose from the dead!

Bran: I am an all-seeing bird person!

Arya: I’m a faceless child sword prodigy. 

Sansa: I’m like, meaner now? 

Dragonstone

Back on the set of everyone’s new favorite romantic comedy, Missandei is talking to Daenerys about her concern for Greyworm.

Dany: Wait, what did I miss.
Missandei: OH GIRL.

Jon interrupts, completely oblivious to girl talk, to show Daenerys their progress. Let’s just say, Sam really came through on this one. There is a fucking mountain of Dragonglass below Dragonstone.

Jon: There’s something else I wanna show you, your grace.
Me: THIS DICK

While not his dick, what Jon has to show Dany is still pretty impressive. Below Dragonstone, along with all the Dragonglass, are a bunch of carvings left behind by the Children of the Forest.

The carvings show that the Children and the First Men fought together against their common enemy, the White Walkers, much like Dany and Jon need to do. Let me just say that the cave drawings of the White Walkers are highly detailed for some hieroglyphics. It got the Night King’s cheekbones looking like they just sat through a Kim K makeup session.

Dany: I will fight for you. Will fight for the North.
Jon: DOPE.
Dany: When you bend the knee.
Jon: NOT DOPE.

Man, you could cut the sexual tension in this scene with a goddamn knife. Discussing allegiance by firelight? This is basically a first date by Westeros standards. Too bad Dany is probably Jon’s aunt. Though, considering we’ve all been trained to root for a twin-on-twin couple for seven seasons, I doubt the aunt/nephew thing will stop anyone. 

Outside the cave, Tyrion and Varys are waiting with news to significantly dampen the mood. Davos and Jon being there while Daenerys found out that Tyrion’s strategy had lost her the last of her allies was like when your mom made you stand by while she wrecked one of your siblings, just so you knew that you could very well be next.

Daenerys: Maybe you’re not trying to defeat your family after all.
Tyrion: I came out to have a good time and destroy my sister and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.

In a move that is only cementing their love in my mind, Dany turns to Jon for advice. She wants to fly her dragons directly to the Red Keep and burn shit down, but he tells her that doing so would make her just like every other shitty ruler that Westeros had ever had. Her victory depends on her making new, impossible things happen, not returning to the ways of her father and Cersei.

Later Davos tries to get into some good old boy talk with Jon about Daenerys, obviously forgetting that the King in the North is too busy constantly brooding and talking about the White Walkers for silly things like romance.

Davos: What do you think of her?
Jon: Idk she has a good heart, I guess.
Davos: Underneath some good boobs AYOOOOOOO.

They run into Missandei, who has some questions about Jon’s name. Apparently she comes from a place where bastards aren’t an issue because no one gets married. What a dream. When asked why she serves Dany, Missandei comes through like a true best friend should. She tells them both that Daenerys is their queen not because her blood, but because they chose her to be.

Missandei: She is our queen and we love her.
Davos: Listen up lady, no one loves anything as much as I love this angel haired grouch standing right here.

In that moment, their last remaining ally arrives on the shore: Theon and the men who saved him. You want to talk awkward reunions?

Theon: Hey buddy…didn’t realize you were here….
Jon:

Theon is spared only because of his part in saving Sansa from the Boltons. He’s come back to Dragonstone to ask Dany to help him save Yara. Unfortunately, she is otherwise engaged in the most insane battle scene we’ve seen in a long-ass time.

Meanwhile, Back At The Reach

Okay so before we even get into the sheer dopeness of The Battle at the Reach, can we talk about how the show just introduced some hot-ass man named Dickon and then tried to distract us from the fact that there was a hot-ass man named Dickon by staging a battle? Jokes on them, though, because i would never forget a jaw this square. Never. 

Okay, but back to the battle…

The Battle at the Reach is the reason we watch this show. It was beautifully shot and horrifying to watch and had viewers around the world weeping over the fate of a bunch of horses who honestly did not sign up for this bullshit. They don’t understand politics?? Can we just let them be??

This is the face of a man who knows he fucked up and the face of a man who knows he’s not getting a castle:

The Dothraki ride into battle the way my friends roll in the last bar of the night: Screaming and ready for fucking blood. It doesn’t matter how long Jaime’s armies have trained in combat, they don’t fucking compare to these wild creatures who came in screaming and standing on the backs of horses while they shot arrows into the faces of their enemies.

Dany: *finally rides a dragon into battle on Westeros soil *
Me:

It was wild. Words can’t describe. Can’t wait to get fired for rewatching this at work every day this week.

While the Dothraki were busy decimating Jaime’s forces, Dany was riding around on the back of Drogon and setting fire to all the wheat that had been collected to feed the Lannister army. You know what’s rough to watch? Men being turned to ash. Both Jaime on the field and Tyrion on the sidelines are visibly shaken. For men who usually sit in safety while other die for their cause, this was a firsthand look at what their war actually means.

Jaime: WE CAN HOLD THEM
Dany:

What really made this scene intense was the fact that there are fan favorites on both sides, very close to death. Jaime may be a flawed guy with questionable loyalties, but he’s got a good heart. Bronn is one of the few sources of comic relief left in this show. Dany is riding around, armor free, wildly unaware that there is a weapon on the ground that could actually take her and Drogon down. Tyrion is in the vicinity of fighting which always just makes me nervous. I don’t want any of these people to die but, realistically, some of them are. Probably most, if not all of them. I hate this show.

One single Dothraki goes after Bronn like it’s his fucking job, and his efforts are rewarded by taking a dragon-sized crossbow to the chest. Qyburn’s secret weapon made its way to the battlefield, and when Bronn managed to get one shot off into Drogon I screamed as if my own mother had been stabbed.

Slowed but not stopped, Daenerys circled back around to light the weapon on fire before landing and attempting to pull a 12-foot javelin out of her baby’s neck. Tyrion and Jaime see her at the same time, and the former sits in near silent horror as he watches his brother race full steam ahead at his queen.

Tyrion: You fucking idiot.
Jaime: Hold my beer.

Drogon sees Jaime and stops being injured long enough to shoot an entire stream of fire at him. He is thrown from his horse at the last minute by someone who might have been Bronn, and both go flying into a lake. This seems like a good thing until you remember that the guy is wearing what’s gotta be 20 pounds of metal armor. The screen fades to black as he sinks and the credits roll in silence except for the sound of every person in the country hyperventilating at the same time.

Is Jaime likely alive? Yes. Will that stop me from having stress dreams about this moment until we have 100% proof that he survived? Absolutely not. There are only three episodes of torture left, which means we’re all going to be living with raging adrenaline highs for the next three weeks. Stock up on inhalers, friends, the finale is coming.

From Sex and the City to Girls to Game of Thrones, I honestly didn’t think HBO could get any better, especially when it comes to girl power television. Well I was wrong. And you better screenshot that shit because I will never admit it ever again. The only reason I’m saying it now is because Big Little Lies might be the best ever. That’s right, GOT freaks and SJP worshippers. I fucking said it. It’s like Real Housewives of NorCal meets Girl on the Train murder mystery starring the world’s betchiest cast (minus that nice girl from Secret Life of the American Teenager).

Lucky for us, HBO decided to revive this excellent miniseries for a second season, and we’re only a month away from the premiere. Here’s a ranking of the Big Little Lies characters in order of betchiness. Oh, and obviously Meryl Streep will land somewhere near the top once we see her on season 2. Can’t. F*cking. Wait.

10. Perry

Was he hot af? Yes. But did he beat the living shit out of Nicole Kidman and rape Shailene Woodley? Also yes. So like, sorry Eric Northman, but you can’t sit with us. You can try Sears the White House.

9. Jane

I’m probs gonna get some heat for this because everyone fucking loved Jane because she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom who moved to Monterey and is like, poor and shit. I can respect that. But she always looked terrible and followed Madeline around like a sad rescue puppy in a Sarah McLachlan commercial. Plus, I can’t get over the fact that it’s Amy Juergens.

8. Nathan

Is it just me or was Nathan the fucking worst? He’s like that frat bro in college that ends things because he thinks you’re too clingy since you left a sock at his place, then six months later proposes to your grandlittle. Fucking prick. Not to mention, no one is mean to Reese Witherspoon without consequences. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.

7. Ed

Ed is an extremely lovable person, like the only one on the whole show, but he’s a typical nice guy who gets steamrolled by everyone. His wife, his wife’s ex, the dude his wife screws on the side, his step daughter, his cool 6-year-old. Literally everyone. And being a little bitch is so not betchy.

6. Renata

Renata is the worst, but she’s a fucking badass. She’s the CEO of a company, on the board of Pay Pal and is the only person in the whole town of Monterey that doesn’t do whatever the fuck Madeline tells her to. She also somehow manages to pick her daughter up from school at like 2:30 on a daily basis despite having what sounds like an exceedingly high powered job. Renata, she does it all. Also, she ends up being part of the mom Plastics at the end, so like, we’ll forgive her for the first five episodes when she sucked.

5. Celeste

A lot of you probs thought Celeste would be at the top of the list, but nah. Being the prettiest, skinniest, richest of all the moms helps, but it’s not everything. Like pretty much everyone else, she’s a follower and does whatever Madeline says. She also somehow is delusional enough to not realize her husband is a cheater that also beats the shit out of every woman he sleeps with.

4. Chloe

I didn’t want to include kids in this because there’s like a million on this show and who really cares, but Chloe is a future betch in the making who deserves recognition on our list. She has fire taste in music instead of Kids Bop or whatever the kids listen to these days, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Not from her teacher, not from Amabella, not from her prostitute sister, not from her crazy-ass parents. Nobody. She does what she wants, when she wants and that’s a betchy af quality for a 6-year-old.

3. Bonnie

Bonnie is a classic free-spirited hippie betch. She teaches yoga and is always chill and, while we never actually saw it, I’m pretty sure she smokes a shit ton of weed because no one is that calm without smoking some dank shit. She def went to Burning Man a few times before she got married and had Sky and takes Abigail to Planned Parenthood. Because of the yoga, she’s got a killer bod. Bonus points for killing Perry because he had to go.

2. Celeste’s Therapist

Holy shit, what a bad betch. Unlike most TV therapists who just how ask how you feel about something and stare at you like a slice of Papa John’s, she actually fucking helps. She doesn’t care about ethics and other bullshit because she’s not about to sit there while Celeste gets murdered. She doesn’t give a fuck about the rules and we love it.

1. Madeline

Obvi. In a town with a bunch of really attractive, wealthy moms, Madeline has managed to take over as queen bee like a West Coast middle-aged Blair Waldorf. She has a band of minions who do whatever she says and all the men in town think she’s a raging bitch which we all know means that she’s a woman who gets what she fucking wants by any means necessary. She doesn’t take shit from people and threw up on her ex’s new hot wife, something we’ve all dreamed of. #goals

That’s all for new, but stay tuned for more Big Little Lies coverage when it comes back in June!

Unless you’ve been living your life off social media the past few weeks then there’s no way you missed people literally losing their minds over HBO’s Big Little Lies. And what’s not to love? Murder, decadence, and Alexander Skarsgård in all his DILF glory? Honestly, I’ve wasted hours of my life watched shows for less.

In case you’re a home-schooled jungle freak who doesn’t know what I’m talking about then let me break it down for you: this is a show about 5 rich friends who get away with murder until A decides to seek reveng—wait, fuck, that’s Pretty Little Liars. My B guys. Sorry, Big Little Lies is actually v different plot-wise, like out of this world different, huuugely different. Instead of five little liars this show focuses on the real housewives of Monterey, CA, who have way too much time and money on their hands. When they’re not busy starting cat fights over who gets to be the head betch in charge of car pool then they’re casually committing and covering murders. Hmm maybe I have heard this plot line before…

The final episode aired on Sunday and it will give you emotional whiplash. But you can stop trying to make season two happen because in an interview with Vulture executive producer and director of Big Little Lies, Jean-Marc Vallée, said: “No, no, this is the perfect ending. There is no way; there’s no reason to make a season 2. That was meant to be a one-time deal, and it’s finishing in a way where it’s for the audience to imagine what can happen.” So it’s a no from him. 

And this is why we can’t have nice things. Tbh I think the real reason for there not being a second season has less to do with “the perfect ending” and more to do with Reese Witherspoon having better things to do with her life than be a slave to HBO viewers. Like winning murder trials based off the basic rules of hair care, or really anything else.

Sorry, betches. If you want to get inside the mind of a murderous housewife then you’ll just have to start talking to your mother again. Sighs.