Zillow House Of The Month: “American Horror Story” Meets “American Psycho”

There’s truly nothing better than plopping down after a long day of work (re: online shopping) with your $14 salad and Zillow. Sure, once upon a time the concept of perusing real estate sounded like something only boring people would do. But now? Now that you’re an Adult with things like hip pain and a 401(k), critiquing a house you could never afford is sort of like the new going out on a Monday. It doesn’t exactly make sense, but you do it — and do it often — anyway.

This, of course, is where Betches’ Zillow House of the Month comes in. Each month we’re presenting you with the most outrageous, over-the-top, painfully pricey houses simply so you can judge the sh*t out of them. Don’t ask me why, but there’s just something exhilarating about hating on a zillion-dollar mansion that doesn’t have a detached guesthouse. 

And since October is, obviously, the month of all things spooks and scares, we had to highlight a Victorian home that could easily be seen on the poster of some made-for-Netflix horror movie. From the outside, you’ve got your traditional “this place is definitely haunted” vibe. But from the inside? It’s more of a current-day, “wow I might actually get murdered here” aesthetic. It’s a hard balance to master, but we love to see a fun blend of the vintage with the modern!

Another important note: This six-bedroom/10-bath house is nestled on just under 2.5 acres of Ontario soil. But it’s not the Canadian locale that’s freaky (Come on—universal healthcare, stunning views, and low crime rates? *shudders*). It’s the fact that this C$15,000,000 Zillow listing (which goes for close to $11 million USD) has all the trappings of an American Horror Story estate, minus the ghost of Evan Peters. And since I’ll likely never be able to afford more than a studio apartment, I can’t think of a better reason to dissect every inch of this place like my life depends on it. Who knows? It just might (dun dun dunnn).

Let’s dive in, shall we?

Did you feel a chill run up your spine? Good, because one look at this house screams “do not enter.” I mean, you’re going to go in, of course, because they probably have a bomb-ass wine selection and will serve you a catered multi-course meal before they kill you.

But seriously. The gabled roof, gothic architecture, and literal spires are basically straight out of the How to Build a Haunted House handbook. Someone call Ryan Murphy, because this place looks like the perfect setting for literally any of his shows.

While we’re on the topic of the exterior house structure, let’s take a lil peek at the location. One feature that’s boasted on the listing is the fact that the home backs up to protected forest land. Scenic, right? But do you know what lives in forests? Bears. Murders. Ghouls, even, if they exist. I don’t care how nice it is that you won’t have to see your dumb neighbor mowing their yard shirtless when you look out your back window—a dark, eerie forest is pretty much equal to imminent death. I don’t make the rules! Ask Hollywood!

If you were expecting blood-red walls, dark wood floors, and coffins around every corner of this home, you couldn’t be more mistaken. Remember, the outside is giving American Horror Story while the inside is more American Psycho. I have to warn you: Pretty much every single room you’ll see is stark white, giving the place a more-than-vaguely institutional feel. I get it, some people like the modern white look. You know, like rich people or folks who need to quickly clean up crime scenes before the police arrive. Still, at least you’d look good walking down that grand staircase to meet your demise.

Before moving on, I just need to take a second to once again point out how dizzying the interior is. I never thought I’d be one to want fewer clean lines and recessed lighting, but this place reads like a fancy boutique or modern art museum that I have absolutely no reason being in.

Ah, the first pop of color and an example of what you can expect throughout the rest of the abode. Multiple sitting areas grace the estate, almost all of which include jewel-tone or white couches that you’re not expected to actually sit on, and… that’s about it. Don’t get me wrong—I’m a fan of the floor-to-ceiling windows and two-story loft design. It would just be nice if a little more personality was infused within. Give me a fresco ceiling. An oversized demon statue. Something to change up the vibe a bit.

The good news is that this house at least has a wine cellar. It’s not huge, but it’ll hold enough vino for a weekend or two, depending on whether your ex posted a picture with his new girlfriend or not. The bad news is that it looks like there’s a Bible in the wine cellar which leads me to believe exorcisms or similar ceremonies of the sort could take place here. There’s also a door with a lock, which sure, stops people from getting in and stealing your booze. But does it also stop people from, you know, getting out? SpOokYyyy!

Spotted! A white room devoid of color except for a jewel-tone cushion! Technically a part of the (for some reason not underground) basement, this sitting room looks pretty much like all of the other sitting rooms. This could be part of the plan to disorient people and trap them inside. Truthfully, I did the virtual tour, and I got lost because every way I turned looked the same. The exception, of course, is that this particular sitting room also has a wet bar which is a fun change-up as long as you don’t expect to be poured a rich glass of red while snuggling up on those white couches. This is a clear drink only household, obvi.

If you needed a closer look at the bar, you might want to think twice. Oddly enough, this is the one part of the house that doesn’t really fit the modern haunted aesthetic. Instead, the bar feels more like something you’d see at the clubhouse of your grandparents’ timeshare in Fort Myers. Somewhat uninspiring but still, it holds alcohol and has a sink to wash the blood off your hands if things get shambly, so it technically gets the job done.

It wouldn’t be a boast-worthy listing without a modern kitchen complete with a breakfast nook, breakfast bar, oversized island, and high-end appliances you’ll never use. That said, you have to give credit where credit is due. As far as ideal kitchens go, this one is pretty legit. While the endless white is jarring in the rest of the house, it definitely works here. And even though you likely won’t live to see the morning-after pancakes in this place, it sure is a nice vision!

Off the kitchen is the formal dining room which seats 17 of your closest frenemies. With the intricate coffered ceiling and lighting fixtures that seem straight out of a hotel, it could easily double as a conference room or charming space for a satanic ritual… whichever you’re feeling that day.

Behold: One of the only not-white rooms in the entire 18,000-square-foot home. Admittedly, the rooms that aren’t white seem to be mostly wood, which isn’t a huge improvement but does add a nice air of entitlement. While I’d prefer a few more bookshelves, the library is still the perfect place to nestle in with a good novel or plot ways to destroy anyone who crosses you. Between the spiral staircase and the fact that you just know there’s a candlestick in there, it all feels very 1985 Clue to me.

If reading isn’t your thing, there are plenty of other ways to entertain yourself or your victims. Heading down to the (white) game room or retreating to the (also white) home theater could be the play here. You’ll obviously want to use caution so as to not spill on the (again, white) upholstery, but if you manage to make it through the evening’s activities without smudging the sofa, perhaps things won’t end up like the hallway scene from The Shining after all!

It wouldn’t be a Patrick Bateman-worthy estate without a space to maintain your “rigorous exercise routine.” The—you guessed it—white fitness center is located in the basement and is as crisp and sterile as you’d expect from a celebrity-style gym. After working on your core and doing 1,000 stomach crunches, you can head to the sauna to sweat out any remaining toxins or simply destress (despite the fact that you live better than 99% of the world).

Last but not least, we have to highlight the bedrooms. Truthfully, it’s hard to tell them apart since all of them are white with wood floors and blinding natural light. The only way to determine that this one is (probably) the master is thanks to the modern fireplace, balcony access, and sitting room complete with *sigh* a jewel-toned lounge set. On the plus side, it seems most of the bedrooms have walk-in closets and ensuite baths. Would I consider living in a clearly soon-to-be haunted house if it meant more closet space? Abso-f*cking-lutely.

And the final stop on our tour is in the master bath. In here you can find his and hers sinks, a detached waterfall shower, and this soaking tub that looks like a scene from basically every horror movie ever. The white all around, the picture window, and the tile design all point to one thing: This is not a tub you’ll make it out of. Is it because you’re so relaxed or because Joe Goldberg popped in to pay you a visit? That’s one secret I’ll never tell.

All in all, this house is, naturally, a piece of art. Yes, it looks like a place someone remodeled to hide the fact that generations of ghosts hang out here, but it’s got a resort-style swimming pool, multiple balconies, and just look at that sunset! That’s one view I’d, personally, die for.

Images: Zillow (16)

5 Fall Date Ideas That Aren’t Basic

It’s finally that time of year to “fall” in love. Summer flings have ended and cuffing season is in full swing. Here are my top five “Brunch Boys approved” date recommendations. You’ll notice there is no apple picking on here, because I promise you nobody wants to see those Instagrams.

Rooftop Cinema Club

Instead of Netflix and chill, switch up your movie watching routine at Rooftop Cinema Club at the Skylawn Embassy (Hilton) Suites in midtown. Here’s the deal: $26 per ticket without popcorn, although you might opt to spend a few extra bucks for an unlimited bucket. Outside food and drinks are a no-no, but the Skylawn rooftop bar opens at 5pm daily, so definitely go early to get your food and drink on.

 

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Book your lawn chair with the @rooftopcinema and enjoy rooftop movies with drinks at The SkyLawn Rooftop Bar this Summer! (????: @juliesahley )

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Watching movies outdoors is always a fun activity, but this particular venue provides wireless headphones to drown out the background noise. Hang out in your adjustable lawn chair (also provided) and remember to dress appropriately for the weather, as fall nights tend to get chilly, especially on rooftops. Come here for the iconic views—I’m talking about the classic films AND the NYC skyline backdrop. You can find the list of movie showings online, through October.

Blood Manor

Jack-o-lanterns and Halloween decor are in all the storefronts setting the spooky mood. Time to have yourselves a Saturday date night scare! Located down on Varick St., Blood Manor is a haunted house that will have you gripping onto your partner for dear life as you move through the labyrinth of terror. Instead of the electronic vampires with red eyes and digital dead people, Blood Manor has real actors who read the room and jump out at you strategically to optimize the scare factor.

This would be a fun group date idea because you are guided through the maze in small groups of six. DON’T wear any clothing you might ruin, in case you back up against a wall and smudge the set. DO wear comfortable shoes because you’ll be walking through the corridors. Although it’s only a 15-minute affair, it’s worth the scare.

Hike

Breathtaking Breakneck Ridge is a challenging hike, comprised of both rock face and marked dirt paths. Now is the perfect time of year to peep the changing leaves with your partner! This particular destination is just 90 minutes north of Manhattan. Just hop on the MTA from Grand Central to Hudson State Park in Cold Spring, NY. The main loop is just under three miles and takes about four to six hours to complete, so be sure to wear comfortable and appropriate clothing—aka sneakers and layers.

There are multiple overlooks with awesome and unobstructed views of the Hudson. Make sure you stop at the lookout points for epic couple shots—totally Insta-worthy. There’s no race to the top, but it’s definitely a workout, so bring snacks and plenty of hydration. DON’T go on this trip with someone you are just getting to know unless you’re totally comfortable. It’s not like you can cut the date short and bounce…the trail itself is a few hours, tacked on to a total of three hours of travel.

SoJo Day Spa

If you’re in the mood to escape the hustle and bustle of NYC and hang out somewhere more peaceful, check out SoJo Day Spa with your partner. If you ventured on the hike suggested above, maybe you can spend your next day off recovering and relaxing at SoJo Spa in Clearwater, NJ. There’s a shuttle bus from Hell’s Kitchen/Port Authority in NYC that takes you directly to the facility. Enjoy all the amenities, including different pools and saunas, with your day pass, which are relatively inexpensive for a spa. $50 for weekdays and $65 for holidays and weekends! You’ll have to pay for any other treatments you might want to add.

 

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The lovely @misspinno enjoying those beautiful rooftop views ☀ We’re so happy we could treat you… come back soon! ❤ . . . #sojo #sojospaclub #nyc #manhattan #skyline #Hudson #nj #infinitypool #views #travel #wanderlust #spa #spaday #pool #swimming #poolside #poolsideviews #rooftopviews #nycskyline #mysojospaday #sojospaday #koreanspa #spacation #spalife #selflove #treatyoself #bliss #getaway #staycation #energizedlife

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Upon arrival, you put your belongings in your locker and proceed to the bathhouse: clothing is optional indoors. The fall special currently being offered is the “Pink Champagne Couples Massage”. Here’s the deal: a one-hour couples massage, pink champagne toast, chocolate truffles, and complimentary admission for two ($395). Note: you can only book this deal through 10/31. Spend the entire day feeling fancy AF in your robes. You can’t bring your own snacks to the spa, but they do have a stocked cafeteria with Korean-inspired dishes and other healthy options.

Cooking Lesson

Fall is a time to hibernate and be cozy. Bikini season is over, so no need to feel bad about indulging in a cooking class with your SO. Instead of your nightly routine of going out or ordering in, mix it up by playing house with your partner and learning how to cook a gourmet meal. There are many options of cooking classes available in NYC, but two of my favorites are  Sushi by Simon and Sur La Table.

Learn the Japanese culinary art at Sushi By Simon. All classes include two drinks and a sushi mat you can take home with you to rice roll on your own. $110 per person for the fall special, running now through the end of October. Sur La Table has a bit more variety in food options. Each night offers a different cuisine, and the chance to make everything from scratch! The chef gives you plenty of tips along the way, so it’s a great start for beginners. It’s also a great refresher for those of you who are already cooking-inclined. Whichever one you choose, you’re in for a night of delicious food and drinks and an intimate few hours with bae.

Images: Alora Griffiths / Unsplash; skylawnnyc, sojospaclub / Instagram

Fall Dates You Should Never Let Anyone Take You On

I don’t think it’s a stretch to say, for betches, fall is one of the best times of the year. (And if you call it “autumn” you’re tacky and I hate you.) I mean, it’s the return of pumpkin-flavored everything, wearing leggings everyday, and sweaters and jackets that still look cute as they hide your taco/tequila food baby. Not to mention, no one gives a fuck anymore if you shave your legs. It’s glorious.

But sometimes, those bastards we meet on Tinder or at the bar try to take the glory of fall and turn it from a magical time to one of dread by asking you on dates that sound good on paper, but are actually really shitty and should be avoided at all costs. Here are the fall dates you should never agree to go on.

1. Corn Mazes

You can ask anyone I know, I basically fucking love corn mazes. Wait, no I don’t. I love the idea of corn mazes. It seems like a good idea to wear an adorable outfit to traipse around one of these manufactured death traps, but you are definitely wrong. Your shoes will get ruined because, guess what bitches? Corn grows in the dirt and that’s what you’ll be surrounded by on this date: corn and dirt. You think you can sneak into the corn for a quick fall-themed makeout sesh? Not so. You’ll have a million idiot kids interrupting you as they try to hide from their parents in the stalks. You can’t just make out in front of a bunch of kids, ya pervert. Plus, you know what’s not fun? Getting lost, i.e., the entire point of a corn maze. It sounds like a great way to realize your man has poor navigational skills, and it’s basically an argument waiting to happen. Waze does not work in the corn maze. You’ve been warned.

2. Apple Picking

Like most activities that revolve around gathering your own food, apple picking can also be the worse. It’s weird that you can go to the grocery store and get an apple for like, what, 50 cents? Yet, if you do the work to pick your own and ruin a pair of Frye boots while you’re at it, the apples cost roughly five hundred dollars a bushel. IDK if they actual charge by the bushel, but that seems like an apple picking term to me. If you do so happen agree to go on the apple picking date, remember the Fireball so you can appropriately spike your cider.

3. Haunted House

Ohhh stupid-ass dating experts will for sure tell you a haunted house would be a good idea for a date, because then your man can step up to protect you from the spooky scary goings-on. Not so, bitches. Three things could happen on this date. 1) It’s not that scary and your date gets pissed he spent 40 bucks to walk you around some weird warehouse, 2) Your date is more afraid than you are and you find out the “love of your life” is a pansy-ass bitch, or 3) You get too freaked out and pee your pants and embarrass yourself out of another date. If those are risks you’re willing to take so theater kids can jump out in front of you in full gore makeup, be my guest.

Read: 5 Haunted Attractions That Are Scarier Than Asking “What Are We?”

4. Fall Foliage Hike

If your dude happens to be a little bit granola, he might ask you to step out into nature and observe God’s glory by going on a fall hike. Leaves are pretty, yes. And I’m sure the fall hike will open you up to a plethora of Instagram opportunities. But do you really want to be out with a guy who would ever suggest going on a hike? Fucking gross. Like, does he even know you at all? Plus, this is practically the least amount of effort you could put into going on a date. Homeboy just invited you to walk around outside. Is he totally poor and/or so boring that he can’t come up with another option? You know, an option that doesn’t include dying from exposure? Ugh. Men these days.

5. Pumpkin Patch

Let’s go pick out a motherfucking pumpkin so we can carve it as a date! Um, right, dude. If your man asks you on this date and it’s not you who suggests the pumpkin patch, you might want to look into how much time this guy spends on Pinterest, if you know what I mean. Like corn mazes and apple picking, this food-related date doesn’t even provide you with actual food. Have you ever tasted pumpkin? It’s fucking gross and does not remotely taste like pumpkin spice. So, you’ll be exposed to the elements and don’t even get a meal out of it. Great. Also, there will be about a million families with babies taking pictures and crying their fat little heads off out there. Not really the ideal situation for a budding romance.

Read: Types Of First Dates You Should Never Go On
5 Haunted Attractions That Are More Terrifying Than Asking “What Are We?”

I hate any time of year that brings temperatures below 70 degrees, tbh. The whole month of October is the only exception solely because the food is better, drinks are slightly stronger thanks to hard cider, and most importantly, it’s fucking Halloween. This holiday isn’t for everyone because some people are fucking lame don’t enjoy dressing up for one night a year. I get it. For those of us who enjoy wearing lingerie in public, we appreciate the parties and all that goes bump in the night. And, I mean, as a betch living in NYC, anything that makes a sound in the middle of the night can truly be anything, some of which we’re def better off not knowing. With less than two weeks before the shit show that is Halloweekend, what better way to get psyched than visiting the city’s best haunted houses? Even if giving yourself a heart attack doesn’t sound as exciting as rewatching Hocus Pocus, just think of all the possibilities that could happen if you dragged your Bumble boy to come with you. 

1. Blood Manor

It’s NYC’s most popular haunted house attraction, so chances are you already know this one exists. Located in downtown Manhattan on Varick St., the haunted house is a huge-ass warehouse with different rooms and corners designed to scare the shit out of you. Once you’re inside, you’ll be greeted with clowns, creepy girls with long hair, disfigured zombies, and like, other terrifying shit in darkness. The whole thing can last about 20 minutes, depending on how fast you can run out of there. Tickets start at $30, and since lines can get hella long, you can spend an extra $15 to cut everyone.

Blood Manor

2. This Is Real NYC

This is def one of the scariest of the bunch. This one-of-a-kind experience in Brooklyn is a combo of the “Escape Room” trend sprouting up all over the city and a real-life American Horror Story episode. It’s noted that it’s “not a haunted house,” and that’s because it’s so much worse. Your ticket purchase begins with the narrative that you’ve been kidnapped alone and don’t remember how or why. (Sounds like the intro sequence to every episode of Law & Order: SVU; I’ve been preparing my whole life for this.) When you arrive to the event, you watch the previous victims get tortured and it’s up to you to figure out how to escape. I’ll take a million rain checks, thanks. If you’re into this sadistic kind of shit, ticket prices start at $95, and I’m calling the police.

This Is Real

3. I Survived The Room

So like, an “Escape Room” on too much crack to function is essentially what this is. Right in Long Island City, I Survived The Room is providing twisted, brave people (ahem, me) an opportunity to escape an asylum while handcuffed and you only have an hour to do so. Tickets start at $25. 

Survive The Room

4. Chamber Of Horrors NY

I’ll be honest. This one is in Long Island so it involves extra effort to get to, but that’s what pregaming on the LIRR is for. The Chamber of Horrors consists of three different haunted houses, each with a bunch of strobe lights and other seizure-inducing effects, so beware. They have different options for entering each of their haunts, one being in complete darkness and the other allowing full-on contact. Yeah, fuck that, but if this is the slightest bit intriguing to you, tickets start at $30, or $40 to skip the long lines.

Chamber Of Horrors

5. Boroughs Of The Dead Macabre New York City Walking Tours

It’s no surprise that there’s a lot of creepy, haunted shit in New York City. I mean like, really-haunted-probably-on-Syfy type of shit. If you’re a hardcore fan of Halloween and summoning spirits from the dead without the Ouija board you used in high school, consider attending any of these walking tours through some of the most haunted spots in the city. The tours are across most of the boroughs, highlighting the dark and disturbing history each spot has to offer. They promise (and guarantee) none of this is bullshit so, they’re the real deal without reality TV cameras following them. Check out their calendar and select a two-hour tour with tickets starting at $25.

Boroughs Of The Dead

Read: How Slutty You Will Be This Halloween Based On Your College Major