We’re not even a full week into February yet, and honestly, 2018 isn’t doing a stellar job at convincing anyone it plans to save us from the 365 days of hellfire that was 2017. A few good things actually did come out of 2017 though, like the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. However, these movements wouldn’t be around in the first place if certain people didn’t act like total effing scumbags. There are seriously too many people to list, and I don’t have the time for that otherwise we’d be here all day, so here’s a shortlist to remind you who’s officially over and cancelled as we head into this new year reclaiming our time.
1. Harvey Weinstein
Do I really need to explain this one? The description for Time’s Up literally says it was formed in response to the “Weinstein Effect.” When you have your own “effect” named after you, it’s pretty safe to say you’re a monster of epic proportions and deserve to be cancelled indefinitely.
2. James Franco
Oh, James. Sometimes when a dude sorta looks like a creep, and talks like a creep, and smiles like a creep…he turns out to be a creep. Any professor who offers an instructional class on how to act in sex scenes should probably raise some red flags. Plus, we hear he’s allegedly a head pusher, and that is cool under absolutely no circumstance. The gag reflex is a delicate thing, and I will choose where I move my head when I damn well please. Next.
3. Matt Damon
Matt Damon is a classic case of “if you just kept your mouth shut, you wouldn’t be in this mess.” Honestly, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, I’d have enough money to buy more vodka and bring that problem full circle again. Damon tried to differentiate the “spectrum” of sexual assault, because apparently it’s important to keep it straight that whipping your dick out and rubbing one out to an unwilling audience is not the same thing as grabbing a handful of ass without consent. Both are disgusting, but it’s a different disgusting. Thank you for clearing that up, Matthew. He also said he was hoping more attention could be given to men who have not been accused of sexual misconduct in order to…IDK clear the reputation of men everywhere? The last thing we need is more attention on powerful men. Like, at all. How d’ya like them apples?
4. Louis C.K.
Speaking of unsolicited jerking off, we now turn to Louis C.K., a comedian whose jokes about non-consensual assault and masturbation actually turned out to be true. Wow, a man who tells the truth – in any other scenario he’d be given a pat on the back and a gold medal. But this is not one of those impressive displays of honesty, and even though he issued a half-assed apology, he and his overexposed fire crotch are still DOA. *Friends theme song clap*
5. Kevin Spacey
Did you forget about Mr. Spacey? That might be because he was literally erased from existence following the many accusations against him for forcing himself on young men – most notably one who was underage at the time. Then he tried to make it all ok by being like “but wait, I’ve been gay this whole time! Pls respect my bravery for coming out in this trying time.” Absolutely not. Being gay is not an excuse for anything other than choosing exclusively Whitney Houston songs at karaoke. Not only is Spacey himself cancelled, but he also fucked up the final season of House of Cards, and that is a crime against Netflix and humanity. President Robin Wright, please save us from this mess.
6. Quentin Tarantino
File this one under “shoulda seen it coming.” While allegations against Tarantino have not been of the sexual misconduct nature, they certainly fall in line with a powerful man abusing his position and personally inflicting or putting women in harm’s way. Uma Thurman spoke to the NY Times about the abuse she endured on the set of Kill Bill, including Tarantino spitting in her face and choking her with a chain to coax a more convincing acting performance, and purposefully endangering her by insisting she perform a stunt in a dangerous car that led to her crashing and permanently damaging her neck and knees. If karma serves him right, I have a feeling a bunch of women are about to metaphorically go all Kill Bill on his ass.
7. Ed Westwick
One word. Eight letters. Say it and you’re officially done. Predator. It really cuts deep when the subject of most of your teenage sexual fantasies turns out to be yet another link in the chain. Remember when Chuck Bass forced himself on Jenny Humphrey? Well you know what they say about art imitating life. You know you love me, XOXO Gossip Betch.
8. Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Alright so, Arie hasn’t actually done anything terrible (yet) so don’t freak out and condemn him. I’m just saying we should cancel him because like…have you been paying attention to this season of The Bachelor? He’s honestly pretty creepy and gross when he “flirts” while trying to kiss each and every girl’s entire face in one gulp, so I’m not counting him out on the “Time might be Up” list just yet. Don’t @ me. Just accept that he’s not Peter a slimy dude who broke up with his long term girlfriend to be the elderly Bachelor and join in my judgment if you know what’s good for you.
9. A Shit-ton Of Directors And Producers
One Tree Hill? Run by a sexual harasser. Creator of Mad Men? Misconduct allegations. Roman Polanski, James Toback, Brett Ratner, even the head of Disney Animation? You guessed it. IDK what it is about men who already get to boss people around as a job needing a little extra fix, but I can safely say I’m never setting foot near a film set because those things are clearly booby traps full of douchebags waiting to assault you at every turn. No thanks. You can go shave your back now.
10. Donald Trump
While he hasn’t been officially cancelled yet, what is the hold up, people?! The fact that the President of the United States has been accused of sexual assault by 19 different women, and reportedly paid off a porn star after he had an affair with her right after his wife gave birth. This should matter. Why does nothing matter?! Never did I think I would root so hard for evidence that our government colluded with Russia, but I’m afraid that might be our only hope. When the day comes that the country starts paying attention to removing predators from positions of political power, I’ll have a Pussy Hat and a Time’s Up pin waiting with your name on it.
Last week, Hollywood learned what any woman who has ever just tried to go out dancing without being bothered has known for a long time: Creepy dudes are fucking everywhere, especially in high places. Harvey Weinstein, the gelatinous blob/co-owner of The Weinstein Company, one of Hollywood’s biggest production companies, was fired after a New York Times piece detailing decades of sexual harassment allegations and settlements was published. I’d say that I was surprised, but then I remembered who is president and I guess I’m not surprised at all. And as if 13 allegations of sexual harassment dating back to the 1990s weren’t enough, the allegations have been corroborated by A-List actors like Ashley Judd, and now Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie are stepping forward.
While all the allegations against Weinstein are extremely vomit-inducing (one literally involves him trapping a woman in the kitchen of a restaurant and masturbating in front of her), Gwyneth’s are especially shocking, given her close connection to the Weinstein Company and status as the “First Lady of Miramax” in the 90s.
Here’s what Gwyneth said went down. Make sure you’re near a bucket in case you feel the sudden urge to puke:
Gwyneth was 22 and on a trip to LA when she received a schedule from her agents for a “hotel meeting” with Weinstein. Obviously, Gwyneth didn’t think this would be sexual because she considered him a mentor and like, one does not typically receive a Google Cal invite (or whatever the 1990s equivalent was) for sexual harassment. A page? Whatever, that’s not important.
When Gwyneth arrived at Weinstein’s hotel he “tried to massage her” (EW) and “invited her into the bedroom” (EW). Casual reminder that Gwyneth is literally engaged to 90s-era Brad Pitt at this time, and Harvey Weinstein looks like Silly Putty that has been formed into the shape of a man so like…needless to say, she was not interested.
After rejecting his incredibly gross advances, Gwyneth told Brad Pitt (like ya do), who then approached Weinstein at a movie premiere and told him to “never touch Ms. Paltrow again,” further proving that 90s-era Brad Pitt can literally get it any time.
Weinstein then went full guilty fuckboy human scumbag on Gwyneth, “berating” her over the phone phone for telling Pitt about the episode. Reminder that Gwyneth is a 22-year-old nobody at this point, and not the 46-year-old A-list star/GOOP mogul she is today, so she legitimately had reason to fear for her career.
“I was expected to keep the secret,” Gwyneth said. She would go on to win an Academy Award for her role in Shakespeare In Love, a film produced by Weinstein. There are even pics of her having to stand next to him while holding her award, which is like, definitely a metaphor for the complex nature of career womanhood or some shit.
We have less details about Angelina’s story, but here’s what she told the press:
During the late 90s release of Playing By Heart, Weinstein made “unwanted advances” on her in a hotel room, which she then rejected because “getting rejected by beautiful, talented women” is kind of Harvey Weinstein’s thing.
“I had a bad experiences with Harvey Weinstein in my youth, and as a result, chose never to work with him again and warn others when they did,” Jolie said in an email.
Sidenote: Is Harvey Weinstein specifically obsessed with harassing women who have gotten married to Brad Pitt, or does he just harass so many women that, statistically, a few of them will have been married to Brad Pitt? Probs the latter, but who knows?
These allegations, in combination with those made public by Ashley Judd and the New York Times, paint an extremely grim picture of life as a Hollywood starlet, and that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that literally everybody knew.
Weinstein’s behavior was apparently an “open secret” in Hollywood, with Seth McFarlane literally joking about it while hosting the Oscars in 2013.
“Congratulations, you five ladies no longer have to pretend to be attracted to Harvey Weinstein,” McFarlane joked while reading the nominees for Best Actress. He also performed a musical number called “We Saw Your Boobs” directed at nominees during that same Oscars. Color me not surprised that the guy who is still making Family Guy‘s humor is stuck in the early 2000s and also the human equivalent of drugstore sushi.
The saddest part of all of this, of course, is that there are Harvey Weinsteins pulling this kind of fuckery, and Seth McFarlanes joking about/covering up said fuckery, at every level. I mean, just think for two seconds and you can probably come up with your very own Harvey Weinstein. These low-level Weinsteins are just as gross, but not even able to put you in an Academy Award-winning film, so they are somehow even more useless than Weinstein himself, who is pretty fucking useless.
If these allegations make you depressed to be a woman, that’s understandable, but take comfort in the fact that there are literally one million reasons to be depressed to be a woman every single day, so at least you know how to handle these things when they come up.
