Where my Harry Potter nerds at? According to my Twitter feed, y’all are everywhere and you’re all pissed that some online quiz sorted to you into House Hufflepuff. But you know where people aren’t feeling the Harry Potter magic? St. Edward Catholic School in Nashville, Tennessee, where the book series has been banned after the school’s pastor claimed that the spells and curses in the book are real. L-M-A-O.
Rev. Dan Reehil, a pastor on the school’s faculty, sent out an email to the school staff explaining the move. The gist:
“These books present magic as both good and evil, which is not true. The curses and spells used in the books are actual curses and spells; which when read by a human being risk conjuring evil spirits into the presence of the person reading the texts.”
Ugh, don’t you just hate when you’re reading the children-friendly book Harry Potter out loud to your eight-year-old niece and then *POOF* an evil spirit conjures its ass up? So annoying.
After consulting with “exorcists” in the U.S. and Rome, the pastor asked that the books be removed from the school’s libraries, and his request was obliged. Hermoine would NOT be happy about this.
The pastor said he also felt as though the heroes of the Harry Potter series “promote a Machiavellian approach to achieving the ends they desire.” Did I have to Google what ‘Machiavellian’ means? Yes. Did what I found make me lol? Also yes. Machiavellian means ‘cunning, scheming, and unscrupulous, especially in politics.’ Sounds more like a certain sitting president than the precious lil’ wizard who is trying to save humanity against the forces of evil, but go off, Rev.
As long as you're avoiding "evil spirts" don't forget to pull biographies of Christopher Columbus and Robert E. Lee https://t.co/HRBiuAM72E
— The Betches Sup (@Betches_Sup) September 3, 2019
Look, I’m no Harry Potter expert — I’ve tried to get through the series twice and each time I get to book five and get distracted by not being a virgin. (Low hanging fruit joke, but I had to sorry!!!) But from what I remember, this is a harmless book about a sweet young underdog who realizes he has the power to fight evil, hatred, and intolerance. It’s a pretty classic — if not textbook — good vs. evil story. I don’t think we need to worry about it conjuring any demons.
The school’s superintendent was not pleased with all the attention this news story got, so she publicly clarified that the book series has not been banned from the school. Kids are still allowed to bring their own copies and read it on campus, it just no longer is available in the school’s library.
And if the pastor is correct about these spells being real, someone please @ me and lmk because in that case I will actually finish the series because knowing some real curses would be cool as hell.
When the Harry Potter series ended back in 2007, those of us who grew up with the series shed a little tear for the end of the wizarding world. Little did we know that all we had to do was fast forward like, 10 years, and J.K. Rowling would be providing us minute-to-minute updates on aspects of the Harry Potter series that not even the most depraved FanFictions had touched on. And no, I’m not talking about the announcement that Dumbledore is gay, which was actually cool (though it would have been cooler if that had appeared in the books like, ever). I’m talking about all the other random, bizarrely sexual sh*t that J.K. Rowling has revealed since the series ended. As a Harry Potter fan myself, I had always hoped we’d hear more about some of our favorite unexplored aspects of the series *cough*Marauders Prequel*cough* but never once in the 20 years since Sorcerer’s Stone first hit the shelves did I wonder what wizards did with their waste before toilets. Now I know.
Here are just a few ways J.K Rowling has tainted what used to be a very wholesome series about children learning magic at magic school, for no other reason than I presume she was bored.
1. Dumbledore and Grindelwald’s “Intensely Sexual” Relationship
Why, Jo, why? Listen, we all love gay Dumbledore. We stan a gay Dumbledore. We wish we had any indication in the books that gay Dumbledore was gay Dumbledore, but this is too much. I want to know about Dumbledore’s sex life as much as I want to know about any of my teachers’ sex lives, which is to say, not at all. If Joanne really wanted to go down this road, there are plenty of canonically sexy Hogwarts staff members (Moonlit Lupin animal sex? Nearly Headless Nick in the third floor corridor with a vibrating wand attachment? I’m just spitballing here…) to go with.
JK Rowling: Dumbledore is gay.
World: OK.
JK Rowling: With Grindlewald.
World: OK.
JK Rowling: I mean, REALLY gay.
World: OK.
JK Rowling: Soooooo gay.
World: OK.
JK Rowling: I don’t think you get just how gay.
World: No, really, it’s fine with us.
— Apache Dreamsac (@NathanWurtzel) March 17, 2019
But Dumbledore? I don’t care that he’s Jude Law now, Dumbledore is, and forever will be, grandpa age. In fact, Dumbledore is supposed to be approximately 150 years old during the Harry Potter series. I do not need to go back in time to see his younger self and find out that he and Grindelwald once boned in a house he was renovating. This is not The Notebook. I’m done.
2. The American Houses
Shortly after Harry Potter ended, J.K. Rowling unleashed Pottermore on the fandom, a website whose sole purpose was to tell you you’re in Hufflepuff even though you’re clearly in Gryffindor (I’m not bitter). Rowling has also used this platform to reveal new info about the series, some of which was fun (McGonagall was in love with a muggle!) and some of which was just weird. Back in 2016, Rowling used the site to reveal info about the various wizarding schools around the world, and to publish a short story about the American wizard school Ilvermorny. “Finally!” American fans thought, “A wizard school just for me!”
Wrong! Because once we found out the names of the American Houses, we were all already downloading Hogwarts transfer paperwork. They are: Thunderbird (A car), Horned Serpent (euphemism for penis), Pukwudgie (??), and Wampus (?????????). No to all of these. I’m not sure why these seem so much more fundamentally ridiculous than the words “Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw,” but they do. Personally, I think J.K Rowling is just too British to be naming American things. She doesn’t get how we roll. IMHO the American Hogwarts houses should be: Flag, Chicken Nugget, Gun, and Double Gun.
Tina: Thunderbird.
Queenie: Pukwudgie. https://t.co/JlbudCKxIl— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) December 14, 2016
(Pottermore says I’m in Chicken Nugget, but I know for a fact I’m in Gun.)
3. The Time She Involved The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
No one:
J. K. Rowling: Dumbledore voted for Bernadette Peters for the Tony Award for Best Actress in ’03.
— John Robert Allman (@Johnny_Allman) March 17, 2019
J.K Rowling likes to get political on Twitter, which is fine because that’s like, the point of Twitter. But she definitely took it too far when she posted an essay saying Harry Potter would agree with her decision not to support a boycott of Israeli products. No matter what your personal opinion on Israeli politics is, I think it’s safe to say that Harry Potter did not have one at all. Harry Potter is not concerned with our muggle politics. He is concerned with fulfilling the prophecy, defeating Voldemort, and becoming the master of death. Like, if we’re gonna start giving Harry political opinions, then what does he think about Brexit? Does he believe in climate change? If so, can he use his magic to stop it? Can we get Hermione on this with a cooling spell ASAP?
4. Wizard Toilets
Hogwarts didn’t always have bathrooms. Before adopting Muggle plumbing methods in the eighteenth century, witches and wizards simply relieved themselves wherever they stood, and vanished the evidence. #NationalTriviaDay
— PotterMoreMischievous (@pottermore) January 4, 2019
In perhaps the most bizarre revelation of all, J.K Rowling also took to Pottermore to tell us that before muggles invented toilets, wizards “simply relieved themselves wherever they stood, and vanished the evidence.” Yes, that’s right, J.K. Rowling says wizards used to sh*t themselves on purpose. Why would she tell us this? I don’t know. Why would wizards even deal with installing toilets if they could just vanish their piss and sh*t to begin with? I don’t know. Does this mean that wizards under 17 just sh*t themselves because they weren’t allowed to do magic yet? Or did this predate the Degree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery? These are important questions that now need to be answered.
5. The Time She Shipped Harry/Hermione
Harry and Hermione are lifelong friends. They love each other like brother and sister. It’s cool because it shows you that a man and woman can be friends, with no sexual component, and just have a relationship based on respect.
But J.K Rowling had to ruin all the platonic friend love when she told Wonderland magazine that it was a mistake for Harry and Hermione to remain just friends, and that Hermione and Ron were “not a credible couple.” Umm excuse me, but if annoying the sh*t out of each other for years and then realizing you actually just wanted to bone the whole time isn’t a “credible relationship” then WHAT IS MY ENTIRE LOVE LIFE?
NO ONE:
JK Rowling: Harry and Hermione had an affair.— Niranjan B (@UnitedNMB) March 18, 2019
Also can we not let Ron Weasley have anything? This is literally his horcrux nightmare come true. Also also, this is Ginny Weasley erasure. Plain and simple.
6. The ‘T’ In Voldemort is Silent
… but I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who pronounces it that way. https://t.co/HxhJ5XY5HP
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) September 9, 2015
This is false. I don’t care that J.K. Rowling technically invented Voldemort and therefore is the authority on how his name is pronounced—this is false. On that note, I also propose we all go back to pronouncing Hermione as “Hermy-own” à la Viktor Krum and/or me in 4th grade before I listened to the audiobook.
Look, J.K Rowling will always be a literary icon. She created Harry Potter and for that I am forever thankful, but for the love of God, please stop with these bizarre revelations and channel all this pent-up sexual energy into a Riverdale-style Netflix show about Hogwarts in the year 2019. Sh*t, you could put it on Pottermore behind a paywall for all I f*cking care. I would gladly pay money to see that. Take my money Jo, please.
Images: Shutterstock; jk_rowling (2), UnitedNMB, pottermore, Johnny_Allman, NathanWurtzel / Twitter
Wedding season is almost upon us, meaning that it is nearly time for us to spend thousands of dollars on outfits and hair in hopes that a photographer will get a good candid of you that will serve as your prof pic for the rest of time. It’s an important time. Over the next few months, every couple whose engagement photos took over your news feed this year will again flood your newsfeed with pictures of their “Under The Tuscan Sun” themed wedding, at which point you will be free to look through every possible image of the event and judge whether or not it looked fun or tacky AF. Given that every wedding occurs within a 3 month period of time, a lot of couples will go out of their way to try and make theirs stand out amongst all the outdoor-rustic-sunset-mason-jar-wilderness weddings that seem to be out there and some of them will, inevitably, be extra. Here’s our list of 7 wedding themes that absolutely stop, or at least be viciously shaded in your group chat.
1. The Disney Wedding
We all have that one friend who is still obsessed with Disney despite the fact that they are now a grown person who does taxes and shit. When two such people inevitably meet by being placed in the same log on Splash Moutain, there will be a Disney themed wedding in your future. Either that, or the bride is just extremely overbearing and immature and the groom just doesn’t care. There are several issues with this: first off, no matter how beautiful a bride you are, or how long your fucking hair is, you are not a princess. You’re just not. When this wedding is done you and your husband will go back to your shitty apartment, make a Blue Apron, and watch Netflix. No magic carpet or castles involved. Secondly, you two are adults, and we are gathered here today to celebrate the fact that you will bang only each other for the rest of time. Let’s leave the children’s characters out of this. Third, and most importantly, it’s just not original. Google “Disney themed wedding.” Do it. Your computer will literally overheat just trying to load the results. This idea is so unoriginal that Disney literally has an entire website that is literally called DisneyWeddings.com dedicated to helping facilitate these freaks celebrate their love by pretending to be a fictional couple with troubling gender roles for a day. If you’re going to waste your wedding on a theme that screams “I am dissatisfied with my adult life” at least make it original. I know you guys want to live “happily ever after” but the way to do that is by learning about practical decision making, not whatever this bullshit is:
2. Destination Weddings
Destination weddings sound fun in theory. Who doesn’t want to go on vacation? But what they really are is a giant pain in the ass for everyone involved. Like, yes, spending a week in Bali sounds amazing, but spending a week in Bali with my high school lab partner, her new husband, and all of their extended family sounds less so. Also, I was saving up money and vacation days to go on my own fucking vacation where I could focus on me and do whatever the fuck I want. Now I gotta allocate some of my precious paid vacation and alcohol savings account to flying on Virgin America with you and 300 of your closest friends? No thank you. Just have your wedding in a nearby mansion that once housed slaves like a respectable person.
3. Harry Potter Weddings
Last year, Buzzfeed ran an article called “This Harry Potter Wedding Was Tasteful AF” and, spoiler alert, it was not (also Snape kills Dumbledore). You need only to look at the very first image of the bride and groom as Azkaban prisoners to see the truth. Harry Potter themed weddings are cute for about 5 minutes until you realize that butterbeer is actually really fattening, and “Hedwig’s Theme” is not nearly as fun to drunkenly sing along to as “Shout!” or “Hey Ya.” And look, I’m sorry, it seems like this couple spent a lot of money on this wedding and a lot of time thinking about detail but the bottom line is nobody gives a fuck. Seriously. You spent thousands of dollars on a cathedral and handmade wands for all of your guests that they will probably lose by the end of the night because, guess what, weddings are for getting drunk. Nobody will remember your golden snitch accent bracelet, or the fact that the shots came in little potion vials. They’re going to remember part of the ceremony and waking up in a cold sweat next to one of your groomsmen feeling like they just got hit by the Knight Bus. For all that money you could have gone to Harry Potter World in Orlando like four thousand times. Also don’t think I didn’t notice that you must have destroyed like 50 Harry Potter books to make that bouquet. Hermione would not be pleased.
4) Alice In Wonderland Wedding
This is a subset of the “Disney Wedding” for people who still shop at Hot Topic. We get it. You’re “dark”. You like the Disney movie that is about a little girl on an acid trip. You’re just a regular Tim Burton, aren’t you? We’re all so impressed. If you need any more proof of what type of person sends out wedding invitations that read “We’re All Mad Here!” then might I remind you that the most famous couple to ever utilize this theme was Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. Is that really who you want to be associated with? The only way that this theme could be worse if you added a Nightmare Before Christmas reception and dressed up your bridesmaids like Beetlejuice. If you really want to be edgy, don’t have a fucking wedding. No need to confuse the fuck out of your 95-year-old great aunt Muriel when instead of a priest you have a grown man in a pink cat costume reading riddles at you.
5. Rustic Hipster Barn Wedding
This wedding was really cool the first four thousand times, but now it is just over. I’m sorry. I can’t drink out of any more mason jars, and if I see another fairy light, I will explode. I don’t need to receive a free Polaroid camera with my place setting, and I definitely do not need to be dancing anywhere in the vicinity of an actual barn, farm, or livestock of any kind. Please just get a reception hall where there is no chance that I get drunk AF and wake up next to a live pig. People use these weddings to seem low-key and thrifty, but anyone who has ever been to one knows the truth. These weddings cost a shitload of money and take forever to plan. Are you seriously telling me that making your own DIY reclaimed wood place settings is more chill than just hiring a fucking wedding planner? I see you, rich hipsters. We all see you.
6. Native American Wedding (If You Are Not Native American)
When planning a Native American themed wedding, ask yourself one question: Am I Native American? Is my partner Native American? If the answer is “yes” to one or both of these questions, then proceed. If the answer is no—halt. Pause. Do not continue. Recall your invitations. It is 2017. We’re not dressing up like other cultures anymore. We’re not doing it. I get that you’re into yoga and wearing a bindi is fun, but Indian weddings are for Indian people. Same goes for Japanese weddings, no matter how “into anime” you are. Throwing an ethnic wedding for a race you are not a part of is a very good way to get on a Buzzfeed list of the 10 Most Cringeworthy Weddings or to be the subject of some righteous liberal Twitter freakout that will only end when you and every member of your family either changes their name or dies. Don’t believe me? Just ask the Shermans, whose Native American themed wedding featuring absolutely 0 Native Americans spawned this Daily Mail article and at least a thousand years of nightmares.
7. Shrek Wedding
As far as I can tell, the “Shrek Wedding” has only happened once, but I think we can all agree that humanity needs to do everything in its power to ensure that it never happens again. Why would anyone ever want to have a Shrek wedding? Honestly, I can’t say. I can’t get my mind into that place. And why would anyone, even if they were going to have a Shrek wedding, choose to dress up as Shrek and Fiona in ogre form, rather than in prince/princess form? There is truly no explanation other than that there are a lot of fucked up people in this world and sometimes two of them meet and get married.
It never ceases to amaze me how fucked up people are when it comes to sex. Calling your bf “daddy”? Gross. People with foot fetishes? Vomit. And don’t even get me started on furries. If you don’t know what that is, look it up. Or don’t. You might live a better life not knowing, tbh. Personally, I’m more of a nice lingerie girl. Is it just a lacy getup that costs way too much, is uncomfortable af, and only stays on for two minutes? Sure. But I look like a hot sex goddess and you can’t put a price on that. Well now, the two worlds are colliding with something no one fucking asked for: Harry Potter lingerie. Ugh, can we just not?
Look, I love a Freeform Harry Potter marathon weekend as much as the next person. But are you fucking kidding me rn? It takes a little more than a magic wand and “stupefy” to get me off. Just sayin. The lingerie is in Gryffindor colors (and none for Slytherin, bye) and has high waisted bloomers, a lace high-neck top, suspenders and a tie WITH A COLLAR. It’s all about as sexy as my 2am Papa John’s binge sessions. And like, why? Can’t we all just enjoy a dorky childhood movie about wizards without turning it into a creepy sex thing? No? Anyone?
^In related news, I would like to organize a search party for this model’s nipples.
This Harry Potter lingerie crap also begs the question of what’s next? Barney? Arthur? The fucking Teletubbies? It’s like nothing is sacred anymore. Anyway, I don’t really care if you like being called Hermione and being bedded by a deadly basilisk. But just know you’re weird af.
There’s nothing I love more than a holiday that encourages you to get shitfaced off green beer as an excuse to celebrate a part of your heritage that represents 2% of your genetic makeup. Seriously. I’m sure my great-great grandfather’s step-sister’s,cousin’s child who actually fucking lived in Ireland would be v proud of me for making out with that ginger in a dingy LES bar.
And the only way I feel I can properly show that love is to rank people who are 100% redheaded and most definitely not 100% Irish for my own amusement. Side note: in the midst of chugging Guinness researching this piece I googled “popular redheads” and a number of porn sites came up. If that is not an indicator of how this article turned out then I don’t know what is. Anyway, here’s a list of our favorite redheads ranked in honor of St. Pat:
10. Ron Weasley
First of all, you’re poor. And not in the cute hipster/starving artist way that makes me want to pay all of your bills and fund your recreational cocaine problem, but rather in the I’m-going-to-complain-about-this-for-seven-fucking-books way while wearing an ugly fucking sweater. Secondly, not only did it take you seven years to grow some balls and actually help fight Lord Voldemort instead of gulping at spiders or whatever other spineless shit you were doing while your best friend was actually fighting wars, but it also took you that long to ask the DIME PIECE that is Hermione Granger out on a date. DO YOU HAVE EYES, RON?? This girl, for reasons that escape me, actually wants your dick and you’re like nah, could be more beautiful, smart, fantastic feminist fish in the sea. *Whispers “you fucking idiot”*
Also you had an ex-girlfriend named Lavender and that really just speaks volumes about you. Minus 1,000 points for Gryffindor.
9. Donna Pinciotti
Donna is one of those girls that’s always saying shit like “I’m just more of a guy’s girl” and “girls don’t really like me.” Yeah, like your man hands and deep voice didn’t have anything to do with that. To make matters worse, you had a Kelso in your clutches and yet you still chose scrawny-ass Eric Foreman. But you did manage to snag Jackie Burkhart as a bestie so that saves you from last place. Barely.
8. Ed Sheeran
I know, I know. I’m probably going to catch shit for this one since people seem to be fucking obsessed with this guy, but how can you expect me to take someone who looks like this seriously? HOW.
Does he not look like the emo kid you sat next to in your 8th grade social studies class who was always writing poems in a dirty notebook about how popular girls didn’t like him? Seriously, every time I look at this guy it’s like a fucking time warp back to middle school. You’re a GROWN man wearing a cloth necklace and the same zip-up sweatshirt every fucking day. If it weren’t for the fact that “Kiss Me” will be the song I play when hell freezes over on my wedding day then you’d be right up there with Ron Weasley, buddy.
7. Lindsay Lohan
Sorry LiLo, you would be higher on the list but you’ve pulled so many batshit stunts over the years (re: that time she got an accent or that time she chopped off her thumb to stay relevant) that I barely remember you’re a redhead. Seventh place for you.
6. Miranda Hobbes
Aka the member of Carrie Bradshaw’s posse that’s having the least amount of sex in the city. Don’t you feel like she’s the kind of person who sets fires to feel joy? That spikey/lesbian/mom haircut that plagued you through the entire series is keeping you from moving up the list, but you did have some fire one-liners so at least you have that going for you.
5. Emma Stone
So I know she won an Oscar and, like, fucks Ryan Gosling in every movie she’s ever been in so that counts for something. I guess. But she’s also about as exciting as that basic AF dress she wore to the Oscars. You may be an Oscar winner to the world but your only mid-list here, Stone.
4. Sansa Stark
Way to turn getting fucked over my your boyfriend/king/betrothed into one hell of a second act. Sansa went from the most annoying character on GoT to one of the most badass all while having fantastic AF skin. #Goals.
3. The Entire Cast of Riverdale
When I first started watching this show I thought maybe the wine I was drinking that had been sitting on my bar cart for six months had finally expired or something because every fucking character on the show was a ginger. And HOT gingers. It’s like the laws of physics ceased to exist on my screen. First of all, Archie is just the gift that keeps on giving. He’s an athlete, singer/song writer, and he’s constantly flashing his six pack abs. Seriously, this boy is hot AF and I would def risk jail time in order to hit that à la Ms. Grundy.
Then there’s Cheryl Blossom aka the person I want to be when I grow up. She’s like a redheaded Regina George and her one-liners are the reason I get up in the mornings. I’ll even overlook the low-key incest vibes happening between her and her brother because she is that hot.
2. Ginger Spice
Ginger makes it on the list because A) she’s a Spice Girl so fucking duh she’s making the list and B) she’s BFFs with my favorite Spice Girl, Baby, and that counts for something. “Surround yourself with people who are a stepping stone to the people you actually want to be friends with”—a direct quote from my mother. Aside from being the Token Ginger, her signature look was anything that showed her cleavage. And like, same girl. Thank you for teaching me the important lesson of using a deep V shirt to get ahead. It served me well during my college years… and all my other years on this earth.
1. Prince Harry
ALL HAIL THE KING. Prince Harry is hands down the best redhead to ever grace this planet and I will fight you if you disagree. Not only is he a prince and like v rich and gorgeous but he’s also the prince who isn’t losing his hair rn and can coincidentally fuck marry a commoner like me. Cheers.
