Sentient Shoe Gum Nukes Career Over Being Friend-Zoned

In a man-child temper tantrum that rivals that of Donald Trump’s exit from the White House, television personality and part-time night paralysis demon Piers Morgan has left his role at Good Morning Britain, stomping his little cloven hooves on his way out the door.

You may know Morgan from his major hits, “please welcome my guest, formerly a man,” “f*** Madonna and her publicist,” and “hey Ari, put some clothes on,” or simply from his reaction tweets every time a Kardashian does anything. Piers Morgan has made a career out of misogyny, and not even the imaginative type, because his sexist drivel follows such a predictable formula that even I, who failed Algebra For Liberal Arts Students 101, could predict it. Woman exists or does something slightly provocative. Piers Morgan tweets the worst possible take, despite the fact that nobody asked. Backlash ensues. He doubles down. Faces no consequences. Rinse and repeat.

Following Oprah’s explosive interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Piers tried to do the same thing. He sat at his morning show desk and ripped it to shreds—or at least, that’s what he thought he was doing. Piers dismissed Meghan’s confessions of suicidal ideations and experiences of racism within the royal family. “I don’t believe a word she says, Meghan Markle. I wouldn’t believe her if she read me a weather report,” said Piers. 

In response to the on-air comments, the show’s network received more than 41,000 complaints, one of which came from the Duchess herself. Alex Beresford, Piers’ co-host, urged him to take a step back, saying “I understand you don’t like Meghan Markle. You made it so clear a number of times on this program. And I understand that you have a personal relationship with Meghan Markle, or had one, and she cut you off. She’s entitled to cut you off if she wants to.” 

I guess they didn’t cover that in the Growing Boy’s Guide To Dominating Women. If you’ve ever poked the sleeping bear that is a man’s ego, then you’re familiar with what happens next. Piers stormed off with a cute, “I’m done with this,” and likely pulled from the bag of expletives usually levied at women who reject insecure men.

Why is the Duchess such a tender spot for Piers “Pick Me” Morgan? The two first connected via Twitter in 2015; one follow-back probably had Piers repeatedly watching Meghan’s Tostitos ad in incognito mode. They exchanged friendly DMs and met at a pub for drinks in 2016, cut short by a call from her best friend in need of a ride (kidding). In reality, the future Duchess was just being friendly to a major media personality. To Piers’ dismay, what he likely saw as a first date was really just the pregame. Meghan accepted the free drinks and jumped in a cab to the party where she would meet her Prince. Piers’ villain origin story begins here with, “that was the last I ever heard from Meghan Markle.”

Fortunately, Piers could not go on one business meeting without catching feelings, otherwise he just might have been one of Hollywood’s top predators, instead of the sexist mosquito we see before us today. I’m going to guess Piers thought he was solid competition for the Prince. The warped self-perception of “pick me” men is astoundingly resilient. Anyone who’s shot down a Hinge match in their lifetime may have encountered a ghost of Piers Morgan, a walking cliché of a bruised ego. 

Piers claimed to have been ghosted by the new Duchess, making his years-long hatred-tour the royal equivalent to the “you’re fat anyway” comments you get when you shoot down a guy who DM’d you in the first place.  Just six months after the royal wedding, Piers published a column in the Daily Mail not at all bitterly titled, “Meghan Markle Is a Ruthless Social Climbing Actress Who Has Landed the Role of Her Life and is Determined to Milk It for All She Can – and That’s Why the Palace is Beginning to Turn on Her.” 


To think I’ve pulled in troops for the “is this too much?” text review. If we want to talk about the audacity of fragile men, imagine Piers Morgan submitting that headline and sitting back in his big boy chair with pride. In his defense, he did workshop a few variations…

jan cooper

Whatever friendship the two did share did not survive Piers’ perceived rejection, as “friendships” where one party is just holding out until the other party deigns to f*ck them rarely do. He went on to conduct multiple interviews with the Duchess’ estranged father and continued his hate campaign in the media, garnering no response from Meghan. Piers continuously changed his story; first the two were friends for a short time, then a year and a half, then two years. Here we see Piers taking a tip from Guilt-Tripping Women For Sport, where first date drinks suddenly become “weeks of wasted time” when she decides she’s going home alone. 

Some aspects of this royal dissolution are above our heads. Those of us playing credit card roulette on Metro card purchases or brunch outings may not be totally clear on The Firm, The Institution, or why Meghan couldn’t hold onto her own passport. The Piers piece of the story, however, is all too clear for us. Hell hath no fury like a man’s fragile ego bruised. 

Now that Piers Morgan has left Good Morning Britain and sullied his already soiled name, it’s hard to know what the professional reply guy will do next. Leer at women on the street? Hang out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride? I can see him living out the rest of his days shouting into the void about how he “totally almost banged Meghan Markle”. We’ll be like, sure Piers, whatever you say. You know that’s not a podcast mic, it’s an empty can of Goya chickpeas taped to a popsicle stick.

Images: Silvia Elizabeth Pangaro /

The Celeb Couples We Don’t Think Will Make It Through Quarantine

Raise your hand if you’re ready to kill your quarantine partner! As my mother reads this over my shoulder and slowly raises her hand next to me, I assume many of you are experiencing the same thing. It’s hard being locked in the house for months with no end in sight. But you know who it is especially hard for? Essential workers. Kidding! Celebrities. It’s hard for celebrities. Because they’re not used to spending endless amounts of time with their spouse in a 15,000 square foot house close quarters without assistants, nannies, and other peasants as a buffer. And the cracks are showing. In the last few weeks, we’ve already had divorce and breakup announcements from Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler, Mary-Kate Olsen and That Old French Dude, Ashley Benson and Cara Delevigne, and Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green. And I don’t think we’ve seen the end of it yet *cue evil laugh*. So which couples do I predict will also fall victim to the quarantine curse? Read on for the questionable evidence!

Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom

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one year ago I said yes to a life of love and evolution… and definitely never a dull moment 😜

A post shared by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on

I know, I know, they’re having a baby, I’m so mean. And while, yes, quarantine has definitely made me meaner (turns out it was possible!) hear me out. Even before these two announced that a little baby was Blooming (turns out I’m hackier in quarantine, too!) they had their issues. Katy and Orlando broke up in 2017, saying they were taking “respectful, loving space”. Ick. They’re totally the kind of people that say “make love”, aren’t they? Then they got back together, got engaged, and then there were rumblings that they postponed their wedding. And even after they revealed Katy was pregnant, Katy herself told Ryan Seacrest that they tend to fight a lot!

Now, they’re having problems in lockdown. The article claims that Orlando is having trouble controlling his partying, doesn’t like being tied down, and keeps reminiscing about the old days. Orlando. You are 43. Your knees crack everytime you walk down some stairs. If ever there was a time to get tied down, it’s now! And also, where are you partying in this pandemic?

I’ve always felt like these two were on rocky ground, and the fact that Orlando reportedly doesn’t want to settle down pretty much convinces me they’re going to break up. But to be honest, the fact that he’s friends with Leonardo DiCaprio really should have been a red flag that smacked Katy across the face from the start. I’m sorry to say that these two are probably going to announce they’re over soon, but if it’s any consolation, Katy, I thought “Daisies” was a great song. 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

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It’s no secret I’ve never believed these two were a real couple. Much like Kim’s face, entire body, and personality, I’ve always maintained this relationship was engineered in a lab for maximum attention. And boy, has it worked. But for the purposes of this article, fine, I’ll bite. Kim and Kanye have been together since 2012 and have four kids together, even though I’m pretty sure everybody forgets about Psalm, right? Kimye have had their ups and downs, but now that they’re quarantined together they are arguing a lot. According to US Weekly, Kanye doesn’t help with the kids and is busy “creating”. I’m sure we’ll be blessed with a new $250 pair of spandex bike shorts with holes on the butt cheeks any day now! Now sources are saying Kim wants her space, and is trying to keep her family together for her kids’ sake. This is definitely all true information not fed through a fake source, and I feel really bad for her!

So will they break up? Lol, no. They just don’t want us to forget they exist while we’re all binge watching season two of Dead to Me. Fine, Kim. Here I am, paying attention. Are you happy now?

Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich

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Handsome hubby 😘

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I really don’t care about these two, but for some reason the limit does not exist on stories about their rocky relationship. I’m serious. Over the past six months, there have probably been 50 articles about their sex life, their fights, if they’re together, if they’re not together, and MY GOD just give me your diary already Julianne, so I can read it aloud and be done with it. And now, they are reportedly “fighting for their relationship.” Because apparently COVID-19 wasn’t torment enough on its own, we also must be punished with even more say-nothing stories about two D-listers’ relationship. And that’s how I know the world is ending.

Anyway, Julianne and Brooks are not even in quarantine together even though they have “so much love” for one another. Girl, if you can’t even stand to be in the same STATE as him during a global pandemic, and haven’t posted a pic of him on IG in nearly a year, then I think it’s time to call it. No need to shove more stories down my throat fight for the relationship. Once lockdown is over and these two can muster up the strength to briefly put aside the obvious disgust they feel for one another so they can break up in person, it’s over. 

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard

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Nothing better to do but celebrate #dryhumpday with some moisture masks, couples style. Xo #stayhome #staymoisturized @morehetime @get_rael

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This one hurts. I love Kristen Bell. I watched Veronica Mars back when it was on UPN, so you know I’m loyal. And Dax is one of the Bravermans! I all-around love this couple, and I don’t even say that about my own parents. So when I read that Kristen told Katie Couric that she and Dax are “at each other’s throats” and “find each other revolting,” I was devastated. Devastated, but also impressed by how clearly Kristen understands my feelings about every man after they express any interest in me. It really is revolting. But that’s why I’m not married!

While I appreciate the fact that Kristen and Dax are being honest with us, I don’t like that it gives me tummy problems. Don’t we have enough to worry about right now? I’m praying that they keep it together long enough for us to get sprung from the bad place so they can each take a nice, individual spa weekend and regroup. 

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

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@meghanmarkle_official — Meghan and Harry are looking gorgeous attending the annual Endeavour Fund Awards at Mansion House London. 😍 It’s the Sussexes' first joint official engagement since announcing they would step down from the Royal Family.

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Okay, so I have no evidence that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are going to break up. But I had to pick one wild card. I mean, I don’t think anyone had any idea Mary-Kate and That Old French Dude were going to break up, and then BOOM! Papers filed! And if anyone is able to keep their sh*t on lock as well as the Olsen twins, it’s the (former) royals. They would totally do a surprise divorce announcement, so I’m shooting my shot on this one. Plus, I’m giddy just thinking about all the gossip that would come out of it. And even though I don’t actually have any hard evidence, as I said to the judge when I was disputing my speeding ticket, this isn’t a real court so that doesn’t matter.

And that’s not to say it’s not possible. Think about it. Harry and Meghan moved to LA at the very beginning of quarantine. Moving to a new city is hard enough even when you’re not in the middle of a pandemic. And now he can’t even get the goat cheese balls at SUR! How depressing. Plus, there’s the added pressure of a toddler, and the fact that his family is sh*t talking him to all the tabloids in London, and I bet he has to drink a lot of kale smoothies now. Will this all result in a blowout fight that will break up our ginger prince and his American princess? I hope so, if only for the bragging rights. 

Those are the celebrity couples that I think are going to bite the dust! I hope that you all are handling quarantine better than they are, and if you don’t hear from me again, my mother most definitely fed me to her dog. 

Images: Tinseltown /; katyperry, kristenanniebell, kimkardashian, juleshough, meghanmarkle_official/Instagram

Why Are Harry And Meghan Stepping Back From The Royal Family?

On Wednesday afternoon, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle made the shocking announcement that they will step back “as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family and work to become financially independent.” In their statement on Instagram (sadly not a Notes App screenshot, I was really holding out hope), they say they’ll be splitting their time between the UK and North America, while continuing to honor the Royal Family, and also focusing on the launch of their “new charitable entity.” While I’m sure some of you know way too much about this sh*t already, for the average American, this might as well be gibberish. Allow me to explain.

On first glance, it’s shocking news—and I don’t just mean it’s shocking because Meghan achieved every teenage girl’s dream of marrying a prince and is now throwing it away. The Royal Family has basically stayed the same for centuries, and this announcement marks a major departure for two of its most prominent members. In particular, the Royal Family is famous for working overtime to keep private issues out of the spotlight, and a decision like this will obviously trigger tons of speculation about what behind the scenes events caused it. But considering all the struggles Harry and Meghan have dealt with recently, I’m gonna go ahead and say the reasons don’t require a whole lot of speculation and this feels like a logical step for them.

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“After many months of reflection and internal discussions, we have chosen to make a transition this year in starting to carve out a progressive new role within this institution. We intend to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family and work to become financially independent, while continuing to fully support Her Majesty The Queen. It is with your encouragement, particularly over the last few years, that we feel prepared to make this adjustment. We now plan to balance our time between the United Kingdom and North America, continuing to honour our duty to The Queen, the Commonwealth, and our patronages. This geographic balance will enable us to raise our son with an appreciation for the royal tradition into which he was born, while also providing our family with the space to focus on the next chapter, including the launch of our new charitable entity. We look forward to sharing the full details of this exciting next step in due course, as we continue to collaborate with Her Majesty The Queen, The Prince of Wales, The Duke of Cambridge and all relevant parties. Until then, please accept our deepest thanks for your continued support.” – The Duke and Duchess of Sussex For more information, please visit (link in bio) Image © PA

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Ever since Harry and Meghan’s engagement in 2017, rumors have persisted about a rift between Harry and his brother William, and if the sources are to be believed, their relationship hasn’t gotten any better. Last year, reports surfaced that William had been caught cheating on Kate, and Harry was purportedly livid with him about it (although the royal family has denied the affair). Over the summer, Harry took important steps to establish his own public identity separate from his brother, as he and Meghan hired their own staff and launched their own social media accounts, because nothing says “f*ck you” like a 35-year-old man deciding to stop sharing an Instagram account with his brother. Around the same time, Harry also split from the charitable foundation the brothers founded together in 2009. Again, sick burn.

But aside from the passive-aggressive stuff between the brothers, things have actually been pretty sh*tty for Meghan Markle. In recent months, Meghan has faced intense scrutiny from the brutal British tabloids, which IMO are even more brutal than American tabloids even though you think British people are supposed to be classy and reserved. This lead to both her and Harry to speak publicly about the toll the media attention has taken. Meghan told one journalist that her pregnancy and the months that followed had been “really challenging” due to media scrutiny, and that it would be fair to say she’s “not really okay.” I know I don’t exactly make my living from saying nice things about people online, but seriously, leave the poor woman alone.

Knowing all of this, it makes sense that Harry and Meghan are ready to get some distance from the intense pressure of the Royal Family, especially because Harry isn’t in the direct line of succession to the throne. He’ll never be the Queen’s favorite grandson, and it’s not just because he married an American. Of course, he’ll always be royal, but he should face far less scrutiny for his actions in America. I mean, he’s the one who both wore a Nazi costume AND had nudes leak, and we barely even remember that stuff. Will could never get away with that sh*t! If Harry wants to go live in Canada or LA or Vegas or something for three months out of the year, nothing bad will happen.

I’d also imagine that the constant royal schedule of going to events and shaking hands and cutting ribbons and giving speeches and pretending to like gross rando children isn’t actually that fun when it’s all you’re supposed to do for your entire life. Harry is still only 35 years old, so he has plenty of time to start his own foundation, or play golf, or do whatever the f*ck he wants to do. Speaking of that, the thing that’s most interesting to me about this announcement is the “financially independent” bit. As someone who uh, is not rich, the thought of giving up whatever generous Royal Family allowance he gets is truly harrowing. Like, I’m about 10 minutes away from selling my feet pics over here, but sure Harry—strive for financial independence! It’s sooooo fun.

The thing is, obviously Harry and Meghan can do whatever they want to do, but we all know they’re not going to like, get actual jobs. Launching a charitable foundation is great, and that takes a lot of work (or so the rich WASP-y moms from my hometown tell me), but I don’t think they’re going to be in the office every day hustling for their salaries and negotiating their benefits packages the way normal people do. No shade, but like, that’s not happening. You won’t be in line for your Sweetgreen salad behind Prince Harry, no matter how many days in a row you go. They’re going to get a nice paycheck from their foundation or whatever, and I’m sure they will not go hungry. But worst case (or best case for us), maybe they’ll get desperate and have to do a reality TV show. Hey, I can dream.

I’m sure Harry and Meghan will be back soon with some more updates on what their new life will look like, but until then, I’d just like to formally say that I’m more than happy to accept whatever allowance they’re not going to take anymore. I’m neither British nor a member of the Royal Family, but my accent is pretty good, and I’m more than happy to pretend.

Images: sussexroyal / Instagram

Did Harry & Meghan Name Their Baby After A ‘Riverdale’ Character?

When news broke on Monday that Meghan Markle had given birth to her first child with Prince Harry, everyone was obviously excited. Details were scarce, but we were all eager to know more about the baby, even if we had already analyzed his birth chart. Luckily, the Royal family isn’t as secretive about their babies as they are about their cheating rumors, so today we got a first look Harry and Meghan’s new baby, and now we finally know his name: Archibald “Archie” Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor. With a name like that, this is already the oldest baby that’s ever been born.

Archibald was a pretty unexpected name choice, as the top predictions were all more typical British royal names: Alexander, James, Philip, and Arthur. All boring AF. In the end, they went with Archibald, which is a name that was most popular in the 1800s. Sure, why not. In their official announcement on Instagram, they just called him Archie, so basically I’m always going to think about Riverdale when I hear anything about this kid. Sorry, that’s just how my brain works. Honestly, if he grows up to look anything like KJ Apa, Harry and Meghan are going to have a major troublemaker on their hands. The official Archie Comics Twitter account wasted no time getting in on the action:

i'm baby

— Archie Comics (@ArchieComics) May 8, 2019

Bury me here, I’m dead. But now that I’m done thinking about KJ Apa’s abs (until later), let’s get back to the matter at hand—the Sussex Royal Instagram.

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The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are pleased to announce they have named their first born child: Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor This afternoon Their Royal Highnesses introduced Her Majesty The Queen to her eighth great-grandchild at Windsor Castle. The Duke of Edinburgh and The Duchess’ mother were also present for this special occasion. Photo credit: Chris Allerton ©️SussexRoyal

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In the photo from today, we see Meghan introducing the baby to Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip for the first time, and it’s the happiest the Queen has looked in years. It’s pretty insane that she now has eight great-grandchildren, considering the fact that my mom will be lucky to get one grandkid out of me. Everyone looks great in the photo, especially Meghan Markle. It’s honestly rude how good she looks just two days after giving birth, but I’m trying to work on my jealousy issues.

It’s being reported that the Harry and Meghan have decided not to use a courtesy title for Archie, AKA he won’t be the Earl of Dumbarton, as had previously been reported. Basically, that just means that they don’t really care about their baby being ~royal~. Like, obviously he’ll still be royal AF, and lead a very comfortable life, but he’s not technically a Prince or anything. Sad for him! Instead, he’ll just be referred to as “Master Archie,” which still sounds fancy as f*ck.

This was fun, but now I’ve got to go to therapy to unpack why I’m jealous of a two-day old baby. Later!

Images: Getty Images; @sussexroyal / Instagram