Today is a sacred day. On July 26, 1971, we were blessed with a baby boy. One who would grow up to change the world. One whose impact would be immeasurable. That’s right, folks, I’m talking about the host you know and love. The man, the myth, the legend. Happy Birthday, Chris Harrison! May the coming year bring you good tidings, joy, and a monetary bonus every time you have to pretend a suitor isn’t a literal sex offender. And while we are all so thankful that we’re not stuck with Ryan Seacrest announcing cocktail hour and acting like he’s not harassing women behind the scenes, we also appreciate that at this point Chris is really phoning it in. I mean, I would too if ABC was practically orgasming at the sight of me.
So let’s be honest, Chris Harrison must have a lot of free time. What does he do when he’s not announcing “This is the final rose” or counseling professional football players on how to lose their virginity? In honor of our favorite hopeless romantic’s birthday, I’ve come up with a few theories.
Trolling For Young Women
When The Bachelor started, Chris Harrison was a happily married man. But time, life, and sharing the same bathroom took its toll and a few years ago, he and his wife parted ways. So, if you think Chris is not using his C-list celebrity status to pick up twentysomething women, you must have some sort of brain trauma that demands immediate attention. Behold, the evidence.
Chris Harrison works on a show with dozens of single women who would willingly sell their own mother’s sex tape to promote fit tummy tea on Instagram. So, if you are one of 25 ladies vying for the heart of a career reality TV contestant with a distracting lisp and an affinity for crying and turtlenecks, I bet Chris Harrison looks real good. And I’m not just making this up like I do most of my articles. Back in 2016, Reality Steve reported that Chris spent a romantic weekend with AshLee Frazier from Sean’s season. He tried to play it off like it was a random run-in, but I think they decided to forgo their individual rooms for a fantasy suite. My spidey senses tell me that if Bekah M isn’t pregnant, she’ll be his next mark.
— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) April 4, 2016
I also assume that when Chris can’t find ladies from the show to bang in his free time, he finds other ways to get with women. Like, ABC actually flew Chris all the way to Thailand to say three words on camera. He’s gotta be bored. There’s absolutely no way he didn’t spend his time and money on hookers, I’ve heard that’s a big thing there. Yes, all my information is from The Hangover: Part II. No, I don’t care if I’m wrong.
Working On Material For His Second Book
GUYS. I totally forgot that Chris Harrison wrote a book called The Perfect Letter. It was his debut novel and received a favorable review from The Huffington Post, stating, “Do you love romance? Do you love reading? Do you love The Bachelor? Are you from Texas? If you answered ‘yes’ to any two of those questions, do we ever have a book for you.” BRB, I’m headed to HuffPo headquarters to burn them to the ground, who’s with me?!
I can only imagine that a hauntingly beautiful book like The Perfect Letter was an immediate success and now Chris and his ghostwriter is on the hook for a sequel. So not only is he busy writing up a storm, but the guy needs material. Not everyone can be as creative as me; it’s a gift and a curse. I assume that Chris tries out all of the dates before the Bachelor/ette goes on them to use as settings for his romantic opus. Be on the lookout for romantic hot tub dates in the middle of the desert, too many country music concerts to count, and a demolition derby that leaves someone with a serious case of whiplash in The Perfect Letter 2: The Even More Perfect Letter, coming in 2019.
Maintaining His Good Looks
As I mentioned earlier, today is Chris Harrison’s birthday. He turns 47! That’s a whole lot of candles to blow out on the cake he forced some poor Bachelor intern to make on their hot plate last night. He isn’t getting any younger, and he has to be on TV every week for the better part of a year. The pressure! And let’s be real, you know the pure disgust he has to hide every time Ashley I sheds another tear or Chris Soules gets arrested has taken a toll on that baby face. He needs some chemical assistance. Now I don’t know for sure that Chris gets botox, and a spray tan, and cryotherapy on a regular basis, but let’s do a little compare and contrast, shall we?
Here’s Chris on the first season of The Bachelorette in 2003:
And here is Chris today FIFTEEN years later:
He practically looks the same! I’m sorry, but if Chris Harrison is not getting some cosmetic help on his face, then I’d like someone to lead me to the fountain of youth he’s drinking from.
And that’s what Chris Harrison is definitely up to with all his free time! I hope he has a fabulous birthday, and for my own birthday, I hope someone gives me a gig as sweet as his.
Images: @chrisbharrison/Twitter; Giphy; @chrisbharrison/Instagram (2)