Time to start flirting with your molly plug again: The Coachella lineup was released on January 3, and it’s so fucking awesome I’m reconsidering my hatred of the festival. On one hand, Coachella is literally just an excuse for people (read: teenagers) to Instagram pics of themselves in a crochet bikini and say they stood kind of near Kylie Jenner in line for a stupid ferris wheel.
On the other hand, post-Lemonade Beyoncé is gonna be there this year. Can you see my problem here?
A bajillion artists are going to be at the festival, but according to my totally objective ranking, the important ones are Beyoncé, Beyoncé, Kendrick Lamar, Beyoncé, Marshmello (holla at my EDM betches), Gucci Mane, and Beyoncé. I guess people are excited about Radiohead and Lorde too. For some unknown reason, the lineup also includes Hans Zimmer, a 59-year-old German film composer. I had no fucking clue who he was, but apparently The Chainsmokers are stoked about his concert?
Coachella line up is dope! But if that’s Han zimmer like THE Hans Zimmer that dude is the headliner of headliners
— THE CHAINSMOKERS (@TheChainsmokers) January 3, 2017
After an extensive investigation—aka two seconds of Googling—it looks like he did the soundtracks for movies like Interstellar and Inception, so obvs all the celeb TTHs are going to be there so they look cultured for the paparazzi. But like, I guess rolling to the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack could be kind of cool. Or terrifying. Hard to tell.
Anyway, don’t get too excited about the lineup unless you bought a ticket already, because they’re hella sold out. Betches with tickets, start dieting right the fuck now, because that Beyoncé concert selfie will be the most important pic you’ll take in your entire life.