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Well, well, well, what do you know? Another Monday come and gone where instead of doing the laundry that’s been piling up on my floor and threatening to swallow my dog whole, I’m instead chained to my TV, investing what’s left of my time, energy, and life force into a woman who abuses her ability to wear a cutout dress. This is truly my cross to bear. Now, when last we left off, Hannah and the men had just landed in Scotland. Hannah and Mike went on their first one-on-one date, which was about as romantically stimulating as me trying to choose a grocery store. Then there was the group date where the men competed in a real life Highland Games that quickly turned into a deleted scene from Boys Gone Wild: Abroad! when every single guy decided to go commando. And by the end of the episode, Hannah found herself asking the age-old question: is she really that into Luke P. or is he just tall? It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.
Part I: Luke P’s Date Continued
Which brings us to where we are now: Hannah is STILL going back and forth about whether she wants to give Luke P a rose. This is what I picture The Bad Place to be like: Hannah and Luke P just repeating how frustrated they are with each other until the end of time.
Wow. I’m shocked that Hannah is actually going to send him home. I thought for sure he was the one in the previews who slut-shamed her at the end of the season. He just has that look about him.
Also, sidenote, I’m just realizing Luke P’s job title reads “import/export manager.” Do we think that just means he gets his friends steroids? And someone else gets him steroids? Let’s discuss in the comments, K?
I love that Hannah tells Luke it’s over and he says he respects that decision AND THEN BLATANTLY DISREGARDS HER DECISION. Luke decides that the rules of Bachelor/ette eliminations do not apply to him and goes back to try and talk Hannah into giving him a rose. I would say he’s a master manipulator, but tbh, this is actually just mediocre straight white guy behavior. Sighs.
“I felt like crying, I felt like screaming,” says the man who has remained emotionless this entire season. He’s literally just repeating Hannah’s words back to her and hoping that something sticks. Tbh this is just more compelling evidence that Luke P is in fact another genetically engineered cyborg created in a secret ABC studios laboratory. If he starts malfunctioning and shooting bullets through his pecs, we’ll know something is up for sure.
“I WOULD MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR YOU.” Lololololol. You guys, he was reading straight from a producer’s script with that line. And the producer got it from the Hallmark Channel original movie they watched at 3am while drinking the contents of their mini bar.
Okay, Luke is a sociopath and not even a very good one. I can see your apathy showing through your terrible job of pretending to have human emotion, Luke! IT’S SHOWING!!
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the men debate if Hannah and Luke’s one-on-one date will ever f*cking end. Honestly, same. Just when I’m thinking I’ll be old enough to collect social security before this godforsaken date concludes, Luke walks back into the house. Soooo I guess Hannah caved then? He’s staying?
The men are equally confused. Luke tells them that he didn’t get the date rose but will be advancing to this week’s rose ceremony. Luke’s like “that was the worst date of my life” and it’s like, no, Luke, I’m pretty sure that was the worst date of my life. For me, it lasted two weeks!!
Part II: The Rose Ceremony
Before the cocktail party, Luke heads to a church to seek spiritual guidance about his relationship with Hannah. Funny he wouldn’t consult his shower first…
Dear god, what is Hannah wearing on her shoulders right now? It’s like someone took a hot glue gun and sequins to my mom’s favorite blazer from the 80s. Also, Hannah, NEVER MIX WHITE AND CREAM. Who told you this was okay to do on national goddamn television? This is making me very nervous that Cary Fetman, stylist to the
stars future FabFitFun partners, is back on his bullsh*t. And by “bullsh*t” I mean vandalizing ABC’s styling budget and calling it fashion.
He must be so proud!
Garrett starts things off tonight by grilling Hannah on her decision to keep Luke. Oh, honey, baby, sweetie, no. Just… no. Doesn’t he know that the first rule of surviving any rose ceremony is to never, EVER bring up another contestant during your one-on-one time together? Sh*t talking is something you do while waiting in line for the bathroom, Garrett, not to set the mood on a date!
Things quickly go from bad to worse when Garrett relays his conversation with Hannah to Luke in front of the rest of the men. It’s like that scene out of The Lion King where Scar gets eaten alive by a bunch of hyenas, except replace “hyenas” with “men who feel more strongly about protein shakes than reproductive rights.”
Dylan/Devin/A Complete Stranger jumps into the conversation and is like, “when I’m with Hannah I only focus on her and our relationship” and it’s like, WHO EVEN ARE YOU THOUGH?? This is truly rich coming from him. I find it hard to believe his relationship is as strong as he claims it is, seeing as how I know more about Luke P’s showers than I do basic facts about this guy’s bio.
Hannah chugging her champagne in a dark room while listening to the men argue about what’s best for her is a 2019 mood, honestly.
Hannah comes charging back into the room, and what takes place on my screen is more iconic than the entire last season of Game of Thrones.
HANNAH: I’m sorry, but I thought this thing was called The Bachelorette and you were all contractually obligated to focus on me. No? Cool.
Yessssss, queen. F*cking slay. Hannah continues truly ripping all of these men a new asshole and it’s the most beautiful, real thing I’ve ever witnessed on this entire godforsaken show. She tells them that she’s done with all of the drama and the fighting and that these people do not know one real thing about her, it’s all superficial bullsh*t, and I’m not crying, you’re crying.
HANNAH: It’s not just Luke P who makes me act psycho! It’s all of you!
Honestly, Alabama Hannah 2020, on the platform that we round up all the men in cages and only let them out for breeding, or until they can learn to behave themselves. Whichever comes first. (Probably the breeding tbh).
Hannah leaves the men to their thoughts AND THEY ARE STILL FIGHTING. It’s less about Luke now and more about who can agree with Hannah the most that men ain’t sh*t, but the petty competitive attitude is still super strong in that room.
Meanwhile, Hannah resumes chugging alcohol and weeping quietly into her champagne glass. Chris Harrison stumbles upon her and you can tell he’s pondering if he should just slowly back up the way he came.
HANNAH: *sobs uncontrollably*
CHRIS HARRISON: Hannah, please don’t cry on my suit.
^^Real footage of Chris Harrison trying to comfort Hannah rn
Chris is like, “Hannah, it’s your party! You’re contractually obligated to have fun! Come on!” Chris Harrison, ladies in gentlemen, always coming in clutch with the pep talks.
Hannah tells Chris that the party is over, which I guess she meant literally because we move right into the rose ceremony. As the men line up for the
firing squad ceremony, Hannah shames them all one last time with her eyes and I throw up the District 12 three finger salute from my couch in solidarity.
Final Rose Cut: Kevin, one of the Devins/Dylans, and the alcoholic Bill Pullman lookalike of my dreams, Grant, all get sent home. While I’m sad to see Grant go, it’s better this way because now me and @SweetestBetchYou’llEverMeet can battle it out for his affections in his DMs. See you there, sister!
Part III: Latvia & Other Moments From My Own Personal Hell
Following the rose ceremony, the men are off to Latvia. I know this because Peter pulls out his map and laser pointer and continues to tell us fun Latvian facts as if he is a connoisseur of culture and not just a guy who banged a Latvian chick on one of his layovers.
Okay, Hannah got rid of Grant but kept this dude in a scarf? Are you forking kidding me with this?
As the guys cheers to new beginnings and spring scarves, Hannah is having a casual mental meltdown in a Latvian cafe with Chris Harrison. I love that she’s treating Chris as if he is an actual licensed therapist and not just a husk of a man who sold his soul to Mike Fleiss back in the 90s. It’s cute.
I will say that Hannah has some valid concerns she’s voicing here. If 20+ men were bound by God and ABC’s ironclad contracts to be into me for six straight weeks and STILL hadn’t asked me a single goddamn question about myself, I’d be done too. And, honestly, props to Hannah for standing up for herself. I feel like she’s the only lead on this show who has ever cared this much about making real connections with people. I’m so here for it.
ABC takes a detour from the episode to show us a
therapy session random interlude between Hannah and Chris Harrison that has clearly taken place post-production. I’m sorry, but what is actually happening on my screen right now? It sounds like they’re recapping footage we just watched with our own freaking eyes. This is my own personal Hell. Like, am I having a stroke? How drunk does ABC think I am right now?
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I’m honestly raging about this right now. Is this going to be the rest of the episode? Just random, filler bullsh*t OF THINGS WE JUST WATCHED. I can’t believe they dare waste my time like this! I COULD BE WATCHING A FOUR-YEAR-OLD EPISODE OF CRIMINAL MINDS RIGHT NOW, PEOPLE.
In this bizarro world where we are not in Latvia, but rather in a hell of our Mike Fleiss’ own making, Chris Harrison is like “Hannah, you came into tonight wanting to quit, where are you now with that?” I’m sorry, where is SHE now?! HOW ABOUT YOU ASK ME WHERE I AM, CHRIS. Hanging by a f*cking thread, that’s where.
And that’s where the episode wraps up. I wish I was kidding. Chris Harrison does tease “never before seen footage for the rest of the season” as if the cost of watching said footage was not the rage-induced twitch I’ve developed in my left eye. ABC, I’ll see you in court next week.
Images: Giphy (5); @caryfetman /Instagram (1); @chrisbharrison /Instagram (1); Walt Disney Television Press
Welcome back, people, to another week of this self-imposed cruel and unusual punishment I call watching The Bachelorette. Some people are into extreme dieting, I’m into watching people try and make “Roll Tide” happen. We all have our things! When last we left off, we had just started this journey to
hell Hannah B’s happily ever after. Our favorite Professional Runner-Up quickly discovered that just because a man is contractually obligated to be into you for 6-8 weeks doesn’t mean he still won’t be texting bitches. Hannah, honey, repeat after me: MEN AIN’T SH*T. I will say that, for a girl who couldn’t string together a coherent sentence eight weeks ago, she handled herself incredibly well. She was funny, she was relatable, she humiliated a grown man on national television. If it were up to me the season would end right there, but alas, it’s not up to me. Despite what I whisper to myself on my couch ever Monday night, I’m not the showrunner, just someone stuck under his mind control for the next 10 weeks. So, on that note, let’s dive right into this week’s episode, shall we?
Hannah starts things off by declaring that her goal for this week is to have “a real conversation” with someone. Oh honey, baby, sweetie, no. I’m not sure if she realizes, but this is The Bachelorette, where everything, including how many disgusted looks Chris Harrison is allowed to give, is manipulated by the HBIC Mike Fleiss.
Speaking of Chris, he shows up to the Bachelor mansion to deliver the first group date card. After taking a quick scan of the men in their casual wear, it’s already apparent to me that Hannah’s chances at having “a real conversation” are not great. We’ve got future serial killer John Paul Jones, who’s dressed like an extra on the set of 21 Jump Street. Then there’s Luke, who’s practically blinding me with that gaudy-ass cross dangling on his shaved chest. Honestly, good luck making an intimate connection with these creatures, Hannah. You’re going to need it, girlfriend.
The First Group Date
Moving on. For the date, the men have to compete in a Mr. Right pageant because Hannah wants them to be introduced to “her world.” Lol so is Caelynn about to pop out and win the whole pageant at the last minute? Just wondering how far she’s taking this whole “my world” thing…
Wait, holy sh*t. The judges are drag queens?? On a scale of one to “I’m calling mother” how comfortable do we think Luke is with all these gender fluid people around? You can practically see his pocket bible spontaneously combusting in his pocket.
Also, is one of the judges Miss J from America’s Next Top Model? Queen, did Tyra finally let you out of your contract? Or are you out on loan?
The pageant starts off with a swimsuit competition, which is less a competition and more just soft-core porn, but fine. The first few men at least attempted to respect the process and then JPJ got up their and slapped his ass and it went downhill from there.
Lol, wait there’s a talent portion to this sh*t show too? Oh god, this should be good. Judging by the blank stares in this room, I have a feeling some of these guys weren’t expecting The Bachelorette to demand a personality from them too. It’s so hard being really, really ridiculously good looking, I know.
Okay Jed’s got a great voice but, why is he dressed like he just rang my doorbell and is about to tell me about the Mormon church?
Luke looks pissed like someone just told him CrossFit doesn’t count as a talent. It’s like he was relying on his good looks or something to carry him throughout the competition?
When it’s Luke’s turn on stage he says that his talent is falling in love with Hannah, which low-key feels like an insult, no? Like, dude, she has like 20+ other guys competing for her attention, you don’t need to make it sound like you’re taking one for the team here.
Luke completes his talent by STICKING HIS TONGUE DOWN HANNAH’S THROAT. I’m sorry, but WHAT. Swallowing a person’s face whole doesn’t count as a talent either, Lukie! What would Jesus say?? You should hop in the shower as soon as you get home to find out.
In a shocking turn of events, Luke is crowned Mr. Right. Okay, I think I’m going to need to see the score cards here. He didn’t even have a talent, for god’s sake! Talking out of your ass and having
a steroid problem scarily large thighs does not a winner make.
I’m not the only one who looks outraged because the cocktail party afterward feels about as tense as my sorority chapter meetings on which T-shirt design we should go with for formal.
LUKE: It’s been 48 hours, but I can’t hide it. I’m falling in love with you.
ME: I. AM. CALLING. THE. POLICE.
Hannah, sweetie, you need to run, not walk, to the exit it because that is a red f*cking flag. Saying “I love you” on a second date is something that a man built a shrine built of you in his closet would say. You need to cut Mr. Thunder Thighs loose ASAP.
To her credit, Hannah does look a little put off by his proclamation but not enough to not suck face with him for the next 10 minutes.
ME IN MY LIVING ROOM RN:
Hannah wraps up the group date by telling all the men that they each brought something different to the competition. And by “different” she’s certainly referencing the size of their packages in those speedos. Subtle, Hans. Real subtle.
Hannah gives Jed the group date rose because I guess she has a soft spot for runner-ups. Luke is so mad he looks like he’s going to go to a dive bar, get really drunk, and then punch the dude standing next to him for “hitting on him.” Watch out, Jed. I’d sleep with one eye open tonight!
The One-On-One Date
One of the Tylers (don’t ask me which one) gets chosen for the first one-on-one date. I don’t actually remember this guy from the first night, but he’s cute enough, so I guess I approve. Meanwhile, Hannah shows up dressed for their date like she just hit up an Old Navy clearance rack from 1995. Jesus.
So they’re going mudding for their first date? Or is it four wheeling? I’m sorry I don’t know the right terminology I’m civilized not one for outdoor activities. Someone who engages in such practices, please let me know in the comments. Thx! Also, do we think she wore this all white ensemble just so she could cheekily say to the camera “I’m a dirty girl”?
You’re so clever, Hannah!
Is it just me or is this date a little bit of a snoozefest? Tyler is giving me some serious Jared “I’m A Former Chili’s Manager” Haibon vibes rn and it’s a no from me, dawg.
HANNAH: I am a strong woman.
TYLER: I know, you drove a car and everything!
Tyler gets the rose despite the fact that I cannot recall one single thing about their date or conversation other than that he was visibly shook to find out a woman could drive a vehicle better than him. Yeesh.
The Second Group Date
Group date #2 is going to involve some sort of athletic theme, and I know this because Hannah showed up dressed in leather hot pants. It’s like she heard “sporty but make it
fashion slutty” and just ran with it. Never mind that when I work out I look like something a fisherman just dragged out of his net but, sure, let’s pretend women actually work out in something like this.
For the date, the men must compete in a roller derby tournament, though I must say the atmosphere in the room feels more akin to my fourth grade birthday party at Sk8 Haven than an actual competition. Hannah is like, “today is all about who exudes the most joy”, and judging by the way these men can’t stop staring at her ass I have a feeling it won’t take long to see the joy tenting in their pants.
Okay, I have to ask, what’s the point of roller derby? Like what am I watching rn? While I appreciate this sequence of falls (the producers are truly at their best when they’re trolling the contestants) I can’t determine any sort of winner. They all look like losers to me.
Cut to the evening portion of the date. Are both teams that competed in the roller derby at the cocktail party? Did they even declare a winner? Were there any stakes at all??
Just as I’m thinking this group date cannot get any more boring, Mr. Bold himself, Cam, strolls into the group date. Cam’s like, “AIR QUOTES I wasn’t invited but AIR QUOTES IDGAF.” Using air quotes to defend being someplace you weren’t actually invited to is something someone says to the police as they’re being arrested for crashing their ex’s wedding. Or so I’m told.
Sidenote: is it just me or does Tyler C seem like he’s reading from cue cards in those interviews? Like, is there any brain activity going on up there?
CAM: Some people are saying I wasn’t “invited” on this group date but I think Hannah will appreciate my boldness.
First of all, Cammie, I’m going to cut you the next time you use air quotes like that. Second of all, Hannah said be bold, not be a sociopath!
I love that the men are drawing the line at Cam messing with their time with Hannah, and yet seemed to be fine with his LinkedIn bio including the title “rap guy.” Obviously, their priorities are not in line.
The Rose Ceremony
And finally we arrive at this week’s rose ceremony. Hannah starts off the cocktail portion of the evening by giving a tearful speech. And by “tearful speech” I mean practically snotting into her champagne glass. She’s like “I’m just crying because I’m so grateful y’all are here.” Funny. That’s the same same speech I give my dog after 3-6 glasses of wine.
HANNAH: I want them to know what they’re getting. And that is a basket case.
Cam is back on his bullsh*t and breaks up Kevin’s time with Hannah in the most psychotic way.
CAM: I have something planned for all three of us.
I HAVE SOMETHING PLANNED FOR ALL THREE OF US. Yeah, first he kills Kevin, then he kidnaps Hannah. I can see the plan already forming in his crazy eyes. Demi, where are you and your vigilante van of justice when your friend really needs you?!
Guys, am I really watching one grown man throw chicken nuggets at another grown man and then in the same breath defend his maturity about being ready for marriage. AM I??
Luke pulls Hannah away from the grown men fighting over a happy meal and immediately things start getting out of hand. She offers to give him a “massage” which feels like a thinly veiled excuse to have him take his clothes off again.
Okay, WOAH. This escalated so fast. They’re practically dry-humping on that chaise lounge and HANNAH MY GOD WHAT WOULD MEMAW SAY. I feel like Hannah is so obviously drunk tonight. So far she’s drunk cried, eaten chicken nuggets, and now she’s hooking up with a guy whose idea of foreplay is looking at himself in the mirror. She’s me last Saturday night. Smdh.
Jed, our little earth angel, walks in on the two of them just as Luke’s about to ask if he can put just the tip in. This is so awkward I’m dying. I can’t.
Hannah looks about as mortified as I feel and I am actively trying to fade into my couch. She’s like “oh f*ck, what do I do?” Meanwhile, Luke is looking at her like he wants her to finish that over-the-pants handie real quick.
You guys, Jed is too pure for this earth. He’s being so sweet and playing it off like he didn’t just watch the girl he’s into straddle Mr. Jesus In The Shower.
JED: Should I have just walked in with my pants off?
SHOULD I HAVE WALKED IN WITH MY PANTS OFF. I love that he can joke about group sex at a time like this. He’s a keeper.
Moving on to the rose ceremony. Y’all, Hannah is looking ROUGH tonight. She looks like she just drunk ate pizza behind one of those columns and now she’s three seconds away from blasting “Wrecking Ball” and passing out in her bed. Or am I the only one who ends a night out like that?
Final rose count: Conor J, Darren, and Matthew get sent home, which makes sense because I literally just had to google “who got sent home this week” even though I’m watching it happen right in front of my eyes.
After the rose ceremony the men start filing out to go wherever it is they go when the camera crew is done with them. I assume at least a few of them need to be plugged into a wall and charged before next week’s episode. Luke, however, sneaks away from the group and bombards Hannah after the rose ceremony as the producers are interviewing her.
Okay, this guy is so smarmy. He already felt her up in front of half the competition now he’s gotta bombard her at the end of the night too? I can’t with this guy. He’s way too much.
LUKE: Everything I’m saying to you is true. My feelings for you are true.
I don’t know there’s just something about that guy I don’t trust. That said, my intuition has the accuracy rate of a broken compass so I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out if Luke is just the devil wearing a skin suit. Until then!
Images: Giphy (6); ABC (2); @alabamahannah /Instagram (1)