I tell you, the quarantine has brought out the best and the worst in people. And by “people” I’m not talking about your crazy Aunt Cheryl’s return to Facebook, I’m talking about the plague upon humanity that is Bachelor Nation. I think it’s safe to say I’m always talking about The Bachelor, mmkay? While the most exciting thing in our day-to-day lives has been getting dressed up to take the dog out to poop three times a day, ABC’s children of the corn have been treating quarantine like their own personal PR playground. They heard “pandemic” and instead of thinking of new ways to relax and reset, they’re out here finding new and creative ways to stay relevant even though absolutely no one asked them to. So, without further ado, here are the thirstiest people in Bachelor Nation right now, who really need to do less.
Am I surprised that Chad Johnson is using this pandemic to extend his 15 minutes of fame? No, not at all. Do I want to see it, though? Also no, not at all. Surprisingly, Chad isn’t pulling the move I thought he would and starting Twitter fights with a new person in Bachelor Nation every two days, but he is promoting his OnlyFans real hard. It’s apparently now free, which I think kind of defeats the purpose of having an OnlyFans?
Just made a new FREE OnlyFans account! Check it out! 😈https://t.co/n6G9BInqoY
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) April 2, 2020
He also apparently bought domain names for various Bachelor alums. He really is the Martin Shkreli of Bachelor Nation. I’m not going to click any of the links, because I don’t want to give Chad the satisfaction, but I would imagine they just redirect to his OnlyFans page.
Who has a better website? Kelsey Weier? Chase Mcnary? Hannah Ann? Or Derek Peth? Or Robby Hayes? Personally I like all of them.https://t.co/2S2HD0fvB3https://t.co/xSDBBKrqrDhttps://t.co/uogKYUt3Jshttps://t.co/nAKMFtiPPrhttps://t.co/tmHxuN1WLn#TheBachelor
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) March 18, 2020
You guys: Say OnlyFans again.
Poor Clare. America’s favorite spinster was just a few weeks away from finding her happy ending with all of those post-Bachelorette sponsorships, when the world shut down due to a global pandemic. If that’s not the most Clare thing to ever happen to a person, then I don’t know what is. But Clare has been staying strong and clinging to her relevance harder than I’ve been clinging to the idea that I still have 4th of July plans. When COVID first hit and ABC announced that her season would be postponed, she took to Twitter to reignite a feud with her Bachelor ex Juan Pablo. More recently, Clare hopped on Instagram to announce that she still has the dress she was dumped in on national television six years ago. That would be special if I didn’t 100% believe all contestants are contractually obligated to keep those for 10 years after their season is over lest ABC miss an opportunity to exploit the most painful and humiliating moment of their life for their own personal gain.
While I appreciate Clare’s efforts to remain relevant, her tactics just feel tired. Starting sh*t with your ex from six years ago on a public platform? Posting about your hoe clothes from the past?? These are things I would have done in college, and all it earned me was pitying looks from my sorority’s Safety and Wellness chair.
Hannah Ann Sluss
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I feel for Hannah Ann, I really do. She did all the right things while competing for Peter’s heart. She laughed at all of his jokes, she cried when she was supposed to, she let Peter talk her into recreating that scene from Titanic during their Fantasy Suite date, and she didn’t even look repulsed when Peter’s mom called Pachi post-coitus. She was denied the coveted Bachelorette spot and now it’s looking like Paradise might be out for her too. This was supposed to be her time to shine!! How is she supposed to get modeling gigs that aren’t for off-brand shapewear or a Denny’s menu if she isn’t able to capitalize off her Bachelor fame?? And so this is why I forgive her for staging her own paparazzi shots during a global pandemic. I’ve seen more stories online about Hannah Ann being “spotted” in LA than I have articles from the CDC about proper hand washing. When she’s not being “caught” out and about it in a full face of contour, she’s been blowing up the TikTok scene with cringey dance routines that feature her favorite famous friends. Honestly, I hope this strategy works for her. She deserves to get something out of her relationship with Peter other than just time served.
Guys, I’m worried about Peter. There, I’ve said it! After failing to make it work with 25+ of America’s Next Top Instagram Models, getting engaged, breaking off that engagement, getting a girlfriend for two hours, and breaking up that relationship because his mommy told him to, he’s been struggling. While most Bachelor/ette leads come off their season with shiny new engagements (or at least shiny, new spon-con deals), Pilot Pete’s biggest announcement as of late is that he’s moving out of his parent’s basement. Maybe. Probably. If he can get them to co-sign his lease after the pandemic ends. You can tell he might be at his breaking point by the way he’s been acting out on TikTok recently. Peter’s TikTok activity ranges from mild cringiness to straight-up I’m calling his mother. Honestly, I’m worried for him. Barb, can we get a wellness check up in here??
Hannah Brown + Tyler C
I’m just going to come out and say this because we’ve all been thinking it: The Quarantine Crew is blasphemous. There is actually nothing more offensive to me than a bunch of hot singles flaunting their hotness and proximity to a Florida timeshare while the rest of us consider which old underwear to use when we need to wipe our asses after the TP stockpile runs empty. For the past several weeks now, Hannah and Tyler C have been living their best lives down in Florida in what appears to be some sort of harem situation. At best, their social distancing can be described as a deleted scene from Spring Breakers; at worst, something the CDC definitely referenced in their Powerpoint of what not to do during their last White House briefing. Either way, out of respect for those of us who are subsisting on a diet of Kraft cheese slices and Franzia and who haven’t breathed fresh air since February, they need to cut that sh*t out and save their antics for when Mike Fliess can profit off it, mmkay?
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; @hannahann_fanpage /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @thequarantinecrew /Instagram (1); @jessclarke_ /Instagram (1); @usweekly /Instagram (1)
UPDATE: Apparently the bowling date on Monday night went well, because Tyler Cameron was seen yesterday morning leaving Gigi Hadid’s NYC apartment. It’s still been just five days since Tyler was seen leaving Hannah’s apartment in LA, so things are really moving fast around here. This also throws a big ol’ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ in the face of the source that said Gigi and Tyler are “taking things slow.” I’m in no place to judge, but my definition of slow usually isn’t sleeping with someone on the second date. I have a feeling this might also be another nail in the coffin for Tyler’s chances to be the Bachelor next season, but like I’ve said, I doubt he actually wants it. Realistically, I’m now going to camp out outside Gigi’s apartment until I see them together, so it’s been real guys!
While all of you were busy watching the Bachelor In Paradise premiere last night, things weren’t just heating up in Mexico. In New York, Tyler Cameron was seen hanging out with Gigi Hadid for the second night in a row, signaling that there might really be something going on here. It’s still been less than a week since Hannah asked Tyler to grab that drink, but my attention is fully focused on Tyler and Gigi now. You hate to see it.
After their Sunday night date at Dumbo House, Tyler and Gigi reportedly headed back to Gigi’s place for a drink, and clearly it went okay since on Monday night, they met up again at Frames Bowling Lounge with friends. Though we don’t have any photos of them together on Monday (tragic), yesterday a source told E! News what’s going on between the two. “Gigi is definitely interested in Tyler. They met for drinks last night at Soho and they got along really well. It was very casual but they were laughing and had a very engaged conversation.”
Okay, so I’m glad that they weren’t having a miserable conversation with each other, but it’s still probably too soon to know how serious things are going to get here. The source also said, “They are both taking things slow but have both made it clear they are interested in each other.” Weird, because my definition of “taking things slow” usually looks like being ignored for days on end rather than hanging out two nights in a row, but I’m also not a model.
Me: Tyler C was spotted hanging out with Gigi Hadid even though a few days ago he was seen leaving Hannah’s apartment
911 operator: no.
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) August 5, 2019
Meanwhile, the rest of Bachelor nation has wasted no time making their feelings known about Tyler and Gigi’s new flirtationship. At an ABC press event on Monday, Hannah Brown was diplomatic when asked about it: “I have feelings, but I’m also single and he’s single and I wanna keep my options open and he can keep his options open.” She also added that, after the whirlwind Bachelorette experience, she’s currently more focused on “working on Hannah and loving Hannah” than finding a new relationship. From these answers, Hannah could definitely still be upset about seeing Tyler with Gigi, but she knows better than to tell everyone that.
But who wasn’t so diplomatic with their comments? Our favorite messy bitch who lives for drama, Chris Harrison! When speaking to ET on Monday, Chris talked about how the Tyler and Gigi developments affect his chances of being the next Bachelor.
“If Tyler is bouncing around from girl to girl and loving the life and enjoying the limelight—which, by the way, good on him. That’s fine. If that’s what you want to do right now, I don’t blame him. He’s probably enjoying life really, really well—but that’s not someone we’re going to want to have as our Bachelor or Bachelorette. So, it’s about sincerity. It’s about where you are in your life. And if that’s where he is in his life, then he’s not the guy for us.”
Wait, did Chris Harrison just slut shame Tyler? The phrase “bouncing around from girl to girl” is both hilarious and cringey, but I love that Chris sounds like a disappointed dad who doesn’t want to push his son away. Maybe Tyler’s behavior isn’t fitting of the next Bachelor, but like I said yesterday, I don’t really think that’s what Tyler is going for at this point. Whether things keep moving forward with Gigi or not, it seems like Tyler is going to have plenty of opportunities, both career- and romance-wise.
Will Tyler and Gigi make it three nights in a row tonight? Honestly, I can’t wait to find out. BRB, have to go work on the perfect couple name for them. Tyligi? Giler? Gigi C? Drop your thoughts in the comments.
Images: betchesluvthis / Twitter