The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Luke P. Is Definitely A Robot

Welcome back, people, to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! No, it’s not Monday. No, you’re not just drunk. I know, it’s upsetting to me as well. Apparently the Powers That Be at ABC decided that the NBA finals (who???) took precedence over Alabama Hannah’s search for love, and at the very last minute, they decided to push this week’s episode to Tuesday. Never mind that ABC has never once given their audience a reprieve from the grueling Bachelor/ette schedule or taken into consideration that they might have busy lives or other interests. Not last season when they decided to air a three-hour season finale on Monday followed by a two-hour “After The Final Rose” on Tuesday. Not last 4th of July when I had to stream an episode from my cell phone during my family’s vacation at the lake, whilst standing at the end of the driveway next to the trashcans and battling various wildlife for that premium positioning because it was the only place I could get a single goddamn bar of service. And certainly not when they held us hostage on NEW YEAR’S F*CKING DAY to watch Arie’s season premiere. But it’s fine. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter.

Moving on. When last we left off, Hannah had just sat Luke P. and Luke S. down to talk out their issues with one another as if they both aren’t emotionally stunted circus animals posing as human men and can actually articulate their feelings. Good luck with that, Hans!

The Rose Ceremony

Things are not going well for Luke S. at the moment, and I’m not just saying that because his suit is heinous. Though that certainly isn’t helping his case. I think he wants to come off as the genuine one here, but the sheer amount of times he’s said the words “my tequila business” in the span of this 10 minute argument is making him seem self-serving and disingenuous. So, I’m sure his Instagram following will love it.

Midway through Luke P. apologizing for calling Luke S. a gap-toothed bitch (I paraphrase), Hannah just up and abandons the conversation. I’m surprised it’s taken her this long. Honestly, if I were Hannah, I would have just shot them both by now. You’re an absolute SAINT, sweetie!

Chris Harrison tells the men that the cocktail party is now over because Hannah has had it with all their bullsh*t. I mean, those are my words, not his because Chris Harrison has yet to do anything other than the bare f*cking minimum all season and has not uttered one single word more than he’s contractually obligated to give. He’s a petty bitch and I love it.

WHAT. Seconds before Hannah is about to give out the first rose Luke S. asks if he can grab her for a second. Can he just do that?? That doesn’t feel like it should be allowed…

GUYS AT THE ROSE CEREMONY: What do we think Luke S. is saying to her??
MIKE: He’s trying to save his manhood.

Lol. If by “manhood” you mean his sh*tty tequila lifestyle brand by trying to get the upper hand one last time before he’s booted from the show, then yes, possibly.

And what do you know, Luke S. is sending himself home! Color me SHOCKED. It’s almost as if he decided he was on the show long enough to secure himself a spot on Bachelor in Paradise and so he decided to peace out before Luke P. could actually injure him. Crazy.

Back at the rose ceremony, Hannah starts calling out men’s names and I’m weirdly anxious considering I can pretty much guess who’s going home at this point. I think it’s because I’m secretly very into Grant, who has gotten almost zero screen time all season so I feel as if his days are numbered. (And if you’re wondering who Grant is, he’s the one who looks a little like an alcoholic Bill Pullman, but it WORKS for me.)

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It just works!

Final Rose Cut: JPJ and Matteo also get booted this week. They’ll join Luke S. as they head back to the Bumble DMs they crawled out of. Until Paradise, guys!

Mike’s One-On-One Date

This week, Hannah and the men are off to Scotland. Considering how spectacularly Hannah was able to butcher the history of her own goddamn country, I can’t wait to see how she’ll embarrass us overseas. Though I would be willing to bet my brunch reservations that Outlander is Hannah’s favorite show and that’s where she will be referencing any and all of her historical facts throughout the episode. *turns up volume*

She’s like, “there’s so much culture here and also Mary Queen of Scots was bitchin’” and then immediately looks to the camera for confirmation that she memorized their pre-written statement correctly. You were certainly close, girlfriend!

Hannah chooses Mike for the first one-on-one date in the same way that I chose to have Quiznos for lunch today: it was just there and in my immediate line of sight. Seriously, could she BE anymore half-hearted about this date?

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Interrupting all the Luke drama to bring you Mike and @alabamahannah on their 1×1! Did you feel the spark? #thebachelorette #bachelorinsider

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I love how Hannah is like, “okay guys fresh start! no more drama!” and the second she walks out the door, it’s like a Real Housewives reunion.

For their date Mike and Hannah don’t do anything special, they just explore Scotland. And by “explore” I mean drink their weight in scotch and then drunk-eat haggis. Is it just me or do Hannah’s dates tend to turn into things that I just do between the hours of 11pm and 2am?

Hannah tells Mike that she’s done a lot of soul searching in the three weeks since she’s been named the Bachelorette. She’s like, “I realized I’ve just been going from man to man and not taking time for myself which is why I’m on a show dating 20 men at once.” Yes, that sounds like real growth to me!

MIKE: I’m just so nervous because it’s been half a decade since I’ve been in love.

Soooo five years then? I’m sorry, but 2015 was not that long ago, buddy. And also, what’s your point? It’s been five years since I’ve been on a single date that didn’t ended in “what’s your Snapchat handle?” or “should we just split this bill then?” WE ALL HAVE OUR CROSSES TO BEAR.

The Group Date

Moving on to the group date this week. The men are in high spirits because Luke P. and his steroid habit won’t be there to sabotage their chances at impressing Hannah. Now if they can’t get her attention, they’ll just have to blame their own mediocrity. This should be good.

Hannah challenges the men to a date involving feats of strength and other typical highland game activities. They all fail miserably. Hannah’s like “I’m most concerned with their sh*tty ax-throwing aim” but I feel most concerned that apparently none of them chose to wear underwear on this date??

Lmao. Dylan lets out a scandalized scream at the sight of one of some other guy’s nut sack. He’s like “I just saw your balls, Connor!!” Never mind that there’s a family of five sitting front and center to this sh*t show. There’s always therapy for little Johnny, I guess.

Okay, why can’t any of these men throw an axe? Almost 90% of them look like they still own, and frequently wear, a rush T-shirt, and yet, they’re acting as if they’ve never played a game in which you need to throw something long-distance at a target. I guess it looks a little different when there aren’t solo cups and kegs of PBR involved, amiright boys?

Jed wins the competition but, like, how tho? Tyler was the only one to hit the target and looked like a goddamn snack while doing it. All I saw Jed do was play a game of slap and tickle with Hannah on the muddy ground and that makes him a winner?? Am I taking crazy pills?!

Hannah seems equally surprised that Jed won, but that could just be because, in addition to being crowned the winner of the Highland Games, he also now co-owns a square foot of Scottish land with her. Congratulations, Hannah! You’re now a land owner with a virtual stranger. Your parents must be so proud.

OMG. HANNAH. She tries straddling Jed and it goes horribly with that mermaid tail she’s trying to pass off as a cocktail dress. It’s the absolute last dress she should be wearing for all this dry humping, but fine. I’m actually feeling more uncomfortable watching this makeout scene than poor Kevin who looks like he just walked in on his parents f*cking and didn’t immediately leave the room. Aw, buddy. It’ll be okay!

Okay, Hannah is HORNY this episode. Peter The Pilot is trying to dry hump her to completion on that pool table, then she’s got Tyler pinned to the bed five minutes later.

Something tells me that after watching this back home, her MeeMaw’s prayer circle is about to hold extra sessions this week. 

Luke’s One-On-One Date

Lol, Hannah’s date card for Luke is legit a threat. Luke is smiling and smirking about it, but I think someone just got a note like this on the episode of Criminal Minds I just watched.

Yikes, this date is so painful to watch. It’s like when they aren’t trying to swallow each other’s faces whole, they have literally nothing to say to each other. Wild.

Hannah jumps right in with the hard questions and starts grilling him about his Regina George status in the house and why he can’t make nice with literally anyone.

HANNAH: Can you explain why I see one side of you but the men see something else?

Did Luke really just say he’s beloved everywhere he goes? That is seriously something a sociopath would say. Or me, a bottle of pinot deep, explaining why I’m still single to my grandma at Thanksgiving dinner.

Hannah keeps asking Luke to explain his toxic behavior in the house, but in a way that is confusing for even me to comprehend. I think I understand what she’s trying to say: that she feels drawn to him, but then he opens his mouth and speaks like he’s reading a Hallmark movie script, and she’s immediately disgusted by him, but the way she’s saying all of that is v v confusing.

HANNAH: Please explain your toxic behavior.

The blank stares Luke is giving her right now are absolutely priceless. Tbh, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was revealed at the end of this season that Luke is actually a robot built in a secret lab deep in the bowels of ABC studios, trained only to spit out platitudes and drink protein shakes. He just looks so confused when Hannah asks him to do anything else. Case in point:

HANNAH: I just want you to be a real human being and share your feelings with me.

Christ. You can practically see his circuits frying. Hannah, I beg of you, please send this guy back to the CrossFit basement he crawled out of. PLEASE.

And on that note, it looks like we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Hannah actually sends Luke P. packing. Until then!

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The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Battle Of The Lukes

Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! I think I speak for all of us when I say that last week’s episode was absolutely wild—and I’m not even talking about Cam’s sob story! First, Hannah tried to win the men over by putting a group of them, whose compassion for the female anatomy probably goes about as far as saying “that sucks” when an ex-girlfriend complained about her cramps, through simulated labor and titty twisters breastfeeding. Then she decided to forgo the one-on-one date entirely in favor of lying in bed hungover sick. Iconic. Finally, in a move that shocked absolutely no one, Hannah sent Cam packing at the rose ceremony. Apparently she didn’t love his retelling of Oliver Twist when she asked him to tell her a little bit more about himself. Sad!

Moving on. This week, Chris Harrison lets the men know that they’ll be allowed some yard time to actually leave the mansion! This is great news for some of them, especially the ones who have only traveled about as far as the parking lot when it was decked out in bales of hay and kegs of Keystone Light for Hannah’s rose ceremony that one time. I’m happy for them!

They’ll be going to Newport, Rhode Island, and they act as if Chris just told them they won an all-inclusive trip to Croatia for Yacht Week. Sighs.

Okay, wait why are the men staying in Rhode Island if the first one-on-one date is going to take place in Boston? Why not just stay in Boston? Which intern f*cked up and forgot to book the hotel? My money’s on Chris Harrison’s least favorite nephew. Why else would he be offscreen so much this season if not because he’s riddled with shame and embarrassment? It can’t possibly be because he doesn’t give a sh*t anymore. Nope.

Jed’s One-on-One Date:

Jed gets the first one-on-one date this week and I hope for all our sakes that he does not attempt to sing. I can’t take one more karaoke audition from him. I just can’t.

Hannah begins the date by absolutely butchering American history. She’s like “no taxation without representation…maybe. Idk. I saw it on a bumper sticker once!” Jesus Christ. I guess that’s just Alabama’s public education system at work, people! Considering a friend of mine, who also hails from Hannah’s home state, once told me that she doesn’t believe dinosaurs are real because her school just didn’t cover them in history class and so, therefore, there’s no scientific basis for their existence, I’m honestly surprised Hannah even knew there was a Revolutionary War to begin with. You’re doing amazing, sweetie!

HANNAH: Today is all about fun. Fun and America.

Why do I have a feeling that’s about to be Trump’s campaign slogan in 2020?

Okay, I’m actually really loving Jed and Hannah together. He seems very down-to-earth and is much more palatable to me now that he’s ditched those wide brimmed hats he was always wearing.


Just when Jed was starting to think their entire date was going to be one long Halo Top sponsorship, Hannah surprises him with a private basketball practice session with the Boston Celtics! I feel as if the coolness of this date might be lost on ole Jedediah. He doesn’t look like the type to be into organized sports. Maybe horse shoeing. Or brewing his own beer out of recycled potato skins.

I like that this young, hot basketball player in the prime of his career is giving Hannah advice on how to be in a monogamous relationship as if he probably doesn’t take a page out of the Tristan Thompson cheating handbook. K.

Andddd he gets an immediate blowjob for that blind shot. Bravo. Real talk though: how many times do you think they filmed that scene until they got that shot? I’m picturing at least as many times as it took for Michael Scott to catch the warehouse guys on the flippity flip.

What started out as a beautiful date and a promising relationship quickly crashes and burns when Jed casually announces that he’s only on the show to advance his music career. JED. You can’t just say these things out loud!! Save that for your first FabFitFun box unveiling post-production like everybody else does! MY GOD it’s like he knows nothing about show biz.

Wait did she just THANK HIM FOR HIS HONESTY?! Hannah, the man just said he’s only on the show for Instagram likes and you’re going to just hand him a rose like that? Why are we not flogging him in the town square?? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE.

JED: All I need is you

Mark my words, kids, that will be the title of his first hit single. Mark. My. Words.

The Group Date:

Fast forward to the group date, where the men will be playing a game of rugby, though Luke is already treating it like he is William Wallace and this is Scotland’s last stand. K.

Okay, Hannah’s aggression during the rugby match is freaking me out. She’s all “today’s about having fun!” but then also she’s like “somebody better f*cking bleed.” Hannah gets her wish, because some rando in the house takes a hit and dislocates his shoulder. She practically orgasms at the bloodshed. Then there’s JPJ who looks like he’s one wrong shove away from calling his daddy and getting the family lawyers down there. Gotta love that kid.

I love that no one will just come out and say Luke is on steroids. They’re all like “he’s aggressive” or “he’s really into the game.” The man is practically foaming at the mouth! I think it’s safe to say there’s something else going on here. Like, dude, you said you played high school football. Chill.

Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening where the mood is tense. The other men are pissed at Luke for shoving that random guy during the game as well as Luke S. I love how production puts all these dudes on steroids into physical challenges where they are forced to assault each other, and then gets them to act surprised and outraged when people have to go to the hospital. Come on.

Luke P plays it smart and immediately seeks out Hannah to let her know that he’s not a psychopath, he just acts like one sometimes during very low-stakes recreational sports games. Lol. Got it.

LUKE P: I don’t think you can trust Luke S. He’s always talking about his brand.

HE’S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HIS BRAND. I’m crying. Yeah, him and every other guy on the internet just looking for a “chill girl” to date! What’s your point, Lukie?

Luke S, who, according to his bio, worked in politics, handles this new development with about as much grace and maturity as a kindergartener who got his blocks stolen.

“Luke P is bullying me and my tequila business, which isn’t even a business yet. But also if you would like to know more about my tequila business please follow me on IG for the launch details.” — Luke S actively not talking about his business.

While the Lukes are shaking their fists at each other and exchanging insults straight from the script of a Hello Dolly!, Hannah is off canoodling with Peter The Pilot and I am not okay. Mostly, because Peter is my boyfriend and it’s rude that he would cheat on me like this.

The night ends with Garrett getting the group date rose despite the fact that I do not remember him speaking words this entire episode. But he is tall and hot and that feels like criteria enough these days to receive a group date rose.

Tyler’s One-On-One Date

First of all, I didn’t even realize this was a one-on-one date because Hannah is just casually weeping in a corner. I, mean, this is literally my mood always on a date but MY GOD Hannah you’re the Bachelorette. Suck it up!

Tyler shows up and is like “Beautiful morning, huh??” Never mind that your date is snotting into her coat sleeve, just continue commenting on the cloud coverage, Ty!

TYLER: Rough night? Did you get drunk again?

It’s a valid question, Ty!

Hannah’s like “Sorry I’m no fun today, I’m just so emotional,” and Tyler doesn’t even blink. First of all, if they were on a date in the real world and she showed up all weepy like that Tyler would be gone in three seconds flat. I should know because I have shown up to a date in similar form, and let me tell you friends, that guy didn’t want to see my highs or my lows, just the quickest way to the exit.

Tyler talks her into carrying out the rest of their date. They go fishing and it’s almost as cute as the story he tells later about watching The Bachelorette with his dad when he was sick, and how his dad was the one to encourage him to be on the show. It’s very sweet. My mother says something similar when she watches this show with me, but replace “go for it!” with “you’ll be disowned.” Potatoes, pah-ta-toes.

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… i was made for you ? – @tylerjcameron3 @alabamahannah

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The Rose Ceremony:

At long last we reach the rose ceremony, and the Lukes are still battling it out for the Iron Petty Throne. Luke is still squeezing his tiny fists as the rest of the house calculates how to quietly murder him and dispose of the body before Hannah hands out the roses. Good luck with that guys!

Also, just going to leave this here:

Elsewhere, Hannah and Peter canoodle on a couch and honestly their relationship is just making me angry at this point. He’s like “I just believe in being really direct and intentional so would you be my girlfriend?” PETER SHOULD BE MINE WTF. Like, who says stuff like that?? He is a goddamn unicorn.

Okay, is it just me or does Luke S seem like he is one of those aliens from Men in Black wearing a skin suit? He does not speak like someone who has been human for a long time. And considering he is a POLITICIAN, he should be better at this. No wonder he had to leave DC and start a tequila company.

Hannah calls the Lukes in to get to the bottom of the drama, and it feels a bit like they’ve been called to the principal’s office.

HANNAH: Luke, can you tell me what happened here?

This should go well! No rose ceremony tonight because apparently my time means nothing to the overlords at ABC. It looks like we’ll have to wait until next week to find out which Luke will prevail. My money is on the one Hannah has already given an over the pants handie to. Sorry, Luke S, looks like you’ll have to go back to pimping out your tequila business on IG like the rest of the plebes! See you for next week’s Bachelorette, betches!

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The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Drunk Goggles Come Off

Well, fam, we’ve made it to week three of Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette, which feels like a small miracle given that today is also Memorial Day. I don’t know about y’all, but my state of mind rn is nowhere near ready to handle the energy that is Hannah Beast. I just spent the last 72 hours living in a bikini and hanging out with people whose idea of a good time involves chugging beer out of a plastic mallard duck that they’ve fashioned into a makeshift beer bong (because patriotism, America, YEEHAW), and am not at all ready to crawl out of the dark, dark hole that is my hangover. I’m not sure what’s been worse: having to ride in the middle seat the whole plane ride back sandwiched between a girl who didn’t understand how to use headphones and played Candy Crush AT FULL VOLUME the entire trip and a man who committed the capital punishment offense of taking off his shoes on the goddamn airplane whilst trying not to dry heave into my crumpled Bojangles bag, or having to listen to Cam rap this evening. I guess we’ll find out.

Chris Harrison starts things off this week by bringing up how drunk Hannah was at last week’s rose ceremony. CHRIS. You can’t just throw her under the bus like that! I know he’s phoning it these days with all seven minutes of screen time he’s negotiated out of this season, but my god, he’s not even trying to hide his disgust at this point.  

CHRIS: We all got to see a, ah, different side of Hannah, didn’t we?

Lmao these men are looking at him like “how could we f*cking forget.” Look, guys, it was rough for us to watch as well, but you know what? Marriage is all about having and holding through thick and thin, and right now the thick is your girl snotting into her champagne glass mid-cocktail party. This is a true testament of your love right here, boys!

The First Group Date:

Hannah and the men show up for the first group date and find Jason Biggs acting out a labor and delivery scene right before their horrified eyes. Wait. Is that Cassie’s sister panting over there? Oh no, just a blonde with a similar haircut. For a second I thought ABC was throwing her a bone and giving her an actual acting gig. It’s the least they could do for Cassie and her family after taking one for the team with Colton last spring.

For this date, Hannah wants a group of men who most certainly blow dried their hair that morning to sympathize with the trials and tribulations of being a woman by simulating pregnancy. This should be good.

To start things off, Hannah quizzes the men on basic female anatomy, and the results don’t bode well for the Fantasy Suite. One guy thought the gestation period for a woman was two weeks long, and I’ll bet if asked he’d also say that a woman has never faked it with him either. Godspeed with this one, Hans!

Hannah starts putting clothespins on the guys nipples and it’s, like, I’m sorry, but did this just turn into an S&M date?? She’s getting far too much enjoyment out of giving a bunch of men purple nurples.

Now that Hannah’s done torturing the men with clothespins she wants them to go through labor pains. Lol. Way to set the mood, Hannah. What’s next, re-enacting the pull and pray? Having the guys pee on a stick and let the pure panic and anxiety set in when it’s been more than six weeks since conception? I’m sure they’ll all want to make out you after this though!

The men are not taking fake labor well. Jed looks like he actually might sh*t himself from the pain. Meanwhile Tyler C, the man who referred to the intricacies of the female anatomy as “down there,” looks like he thinks this is a cover shoot. God, I can’t wait for her to shock his ass.

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Nailed it.

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The public school sex ed program in Alabama at work, people!

Then there’s JPJ, who’s acting a little bit too surprised by the fake labor pains here. Why do I feel like he has one of these machines at home that he likes to whip out when it comes time for foreplay?

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Guys, I think Mike has an excellent chance of being the next Bachelor. I don’t really think Hannah will pick him, but he’s checking off all the Bachelor boxes here: attractiveness, smarts, and a heartbreaking sob story that will melt the panties off of every woman in America. Mark my words, kids, a star has been born.

CAM: I’ll be waiting at any time outside that door.

NOW IS NOT THAT TIME CAM. Okay, this guy is a stone cold psycho, I can’t. He’s like “I just have something really important to share with her.” Meanwhile, Mike is in the middle of sharing his literal darkest moment. Finding a new word to rhyme with “bachelorette” for your rap does not count as something “really important” to share, Cam!

Hannah tells him that some conversations just need to take longer and Cam goes “Oh, I totally get it. I’m a deep person too. I just quit my job!” That doesn’t make you deep, Cammie, that just makes you my type: unemployed. Also, didn’t they all kind of need to quit their jobs to be there? My boss barely wants to welcome me back to work after a long weekend away from the office, let alone after six weeks of humiliating myself on national television for America’s viewing pleasure.

I’m loving that Jonathan took one for the team and physically bounced Cam out of the room as if he’s me at the boats & hoes mixer sophomore year, but that was a little scary. I feel like he should have just let Cam dig his own grave, but to each their own.

JONATHAN: What goes around comes around, bro.

THAT STARE OH MY GOD. Cam is looking at Jonathan like he’s picturing all the ways he can wear his skin as a suit and it’s so alarming.

Mike snags the group date rose, proving once again that if your backstory is juicy and sad enough, you’ll always win a rose that week. Bravo.

Connor’s One-On-One Date:

Connor gets the one-on-one date this week, which is shocking to me because I thought he went home last week? I, mean, I’m not going to check the internet or even my notes from last episode because, like, I don’t care? But it’s still odd to see him here, especially since he barely looks old enough to stay home alone while his parents go to the PTA meeting.  

Lol. I love that Chris Harrison can’t even be bothered to show up and inform Connor his date isn’t happening. He just sends the intern that week in between making him pick up his laundry and a matcha tea.

Aww, this is kind of cute though. Apparently, Hannah is hungover sick, so they won’t be having a real date. Instead she just wants to hang out with him in her hotel room. Literally I have so much respect for this. If I could initiate some sort of Netflix and chill date without having to pretend to be into blowjobs, I would. Sitting in a dark room without speaking to the other person for hours on end? That is the dream, people.  

Perhaps Hannah should have lead with the fact that she’s not contagious because when she goes in to kiss Connor, he practically recoils in horror. Hannah explains that she just felt faint and she went to the hospital to get more fluids. Again, her “sick” feels a lot like my hangover, but whatever you need to call it for MeeMaw watching back home!

Okay, Connor is such a cutie. After Hannah tells him to gtfo because she needs a nap (again, RESPECT), he leaves her little love sticky notes around her hotel suite. The only love note I’ve ever gotten in my entire goddamn life was from an ex-boyfriend who wrote “we need milk” and I still have it and look at it from time to time to remember what romance feels like, so you know I’m swooning.

HOW PRETTY YOU LOOK WITHOUT MAKEUP. Okay, which producer told him to write that gold line? Because I saw how squeamish he looked when he first walked into her room and found her without a stitch of makeup on and wearing sweatpants from high school. Also, “I love the sparkle in your eye”? That is such a thing you say when you literally know nothing else about the person you’re talking to. Like, what does it even mean??

I guess the ibuprofen finally started kicking in, because all of a sudden Hannah feels well enough for drinks and dancing. She picks Connor up from the mansion and Luke looks like he might smuggle himself on the date via the trunk of that limo.

Okay, where do they always find these washed up street dogs to sing at the end of all these group dates? Like, are they a part of Jed’s garage band? Do we think singing on the Bachelorette is a better or worse fate for your music career than being a wedding singer? Both seem pretty bleak to me tbh.

Connor gets the rose, but thankfully not the flu. Can you imagine? His mom never would let him stay out after 10pm again!

The Second Group Date:

For today’s date the men will be modeling with other women, and that’s certainly not a test at all. I guess Luke will have both Jesus AND Hannah watching him today. Yikes.

Okay, I didn’t know Demi was now a permanent full-time employee of Mike Fleiss? I mean, at this point she’s gotten more screen time than Chris Harrison this season. Let’s hope ABC provides good dental! She’ll need it for the upkeep on those veneers. I will say I’m glad they decided to cut the deadweight that was Katie’s presence from this episode. She contributed nothing but bewildered looks, and I get enough of those from my dog on the couch.

Hannah’s like “I want Demi here because she has good insight.” If by “insight” you mean thousands of dollars worth of spy equipment tracking every waking move of these guys, then, yes, she has GREAT insight, but I believe the law would call this situation entrapment.

I feel like Luke is going to ask the makeup artist to touch up his eyebrows. Anyone else?

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Working on their fitness!?️‍♂️ #TheBachelorette

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He tries to grab Hannah after the photoshoot so he can talk to her while simultaneously rubbing their connection in the other guys’ faces. It’s like when I was seeing this guy a while back and my dog peed in his bed the first time she stayed the night at his place. Gotta show them who’s in charge!

I feel like Hannah was really into Luke when she was drunk, and now that she’s sobered up a bit, she’s repulsed. The drunk goggles are off now. May the odds be ever in your favor, Lukie!

HANNAH: Sometimes I’m so attracted to him and then other times I can barely stand to breathe the same air as him, you know?

Brb. Let me just go update my last will and testament to have that written on my headstone.

While I’m glad Hannah is standing up for herself here, I’m not sure why she thinks his behavior is just going to magically change? This is called toxic masculinity and it’s a life-long battle, honey.  Prepare yourself now.

Seconds after Hannah finishes talking with Luke, he continues to stalk her every move and intercept every conversation she has. So, the conversation went well! I love that she was like “I hate this thing about you,” so he doubled down on the thing she hates about him. Luke, is this what Jesus really told you to do in that shower?

HANNAH: Look, I call the shots here.

YESSS GIRL. Put him in his goddamn place!

Luke, after being chastised AGAIN, handles the rejection about as well as an internet troll who’s just been denied in a DM. Luke declares that he’s not really sure he likes Hannah, he never has, and would be cool with going home. It’s the equivalent of him saying “you’re fat and I would never want to go out with you anyways.” Booooo. Go back to living under a bridge, Luke, and try your riddles out on someone who cares!

On a lighter note, I’ve very into Peter The Pilot. I’m slightly distraught that the pilots I’ve recently encountered were less hot and single and more like the type who would point out random landmarks over the intercom while you’re trying to sleep (looking at you @AmericanAirlines).

PETER: That was the smoothest take off I’ve ever had
ME AND EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN AMERICA RN: I’ll let you take off whatever you want on me. 

Peter gets the group date rose, and possibly a DM from me the next time I’m drunk if he plays his cards right. Call me!

The Rose Ceremony:

Before the cocktail party can commence, Chris Harrison shows up to drop some last-minute news on the guys. I love that the men are shocked to see Chris actually doing his f*cking job. They’re like “Chris! I totally forgot you go here! It’s wild!” I guess Demi had a conflicting meeting or something that day.

Chris lets the men know that there will be no cocktail party tonight, just a tailgate. Jesus. That is the most yeehaw sh*t I’ve heard in a while, and I bonged a spiked seltzer out of a plastic duck’s mouth yesterday. Hannah’s like “I just went to the hospital so I need a chill day. Let’s bring out the keg and the bales of hay!”

After Chris leaves, Cam gives a very strange speech about how he needs to talk to Hannah privately at the beginning of the cocktail party because he has some huge secret he has to tell her. But like, what could this so-called secret possibly be? That he’s not actually a successful rapper? I’m shocked. He has a restraining order against him? I’m absolutely aghast. He’s really the zodiac killer? That one might have some merit to it. Can we get the FBI in on this one? Or at the very least Demi and that sleuthing kit she bought off Amazon Prime?

Okay, LOL, what is this story coming out of his mouth rn? Did he just google “sad endings to books” and cobble them all together into one long, convoluted story? There’s something about a 10-month-old puppy and a peg leg? Am I hearing this right? What happened with the amputation?! Is his leg fake?? I NEED ANSWERS.

Mike, a man who also used his own sob story to get a rose, tells Hannah that he thought Cam was using his “sad” story to get a rose. Mike, honey, that’s how this show works. We all know you’re just tattling in case Cam’s story is sadder than yours.

Hannah confronts Cam about the legitimacy of his peg leg story, which feels like it could easily be cleared up by looking at the two whole legs currently poking out of the basketball shorts he’s wearing. Hannah is pretty hung up over that “pity rose” comment, but in Cam’s defense, he didn’t actually use those words at all. I think he’s a moron, but he really is getting gaslighted here. The evidence would not hold up in a court of law is all I’m saying!

As the cocktail party/tailgate wraps up, they all head inside to get changed before the actual rose ceremony. Oh, so she’s not going to hand out roses over those bales of hay? I thought you said you just wanted a chill night, Hannah?

HANNAH: If I give you a rose tonight it won’t be a pity rose.

SHOTS FIRED, PEOPLE. That was savage. Hannah Beast is out tonight, y’all.

Tbh I’m not even sure why we’re having a rose ceremony here. I think we all know who’s going home tonight. Two randoms and Cam. I’d bet the advil bottle I’m currently clutching in my hand rn.

Final rose cut: Jonathan, Joey, and Cam get sent home. Well, while I hate to see you go Cammie boy, I can’t wait to see ya in Paradise, waving that fake leg of yours as your BiP intro!

And that’s a wrap from me, kids! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go crawl back into my dark hangover hole and treat this hangover with the respect it truly deserves. 

Images: Giphy (6); @bacheloretteabc (1); @bachelorish /Instagram (1); ABC (2)

Has ABC Given Up? Hannah B’s Men Are Tragic

It’s been less than 48 hours since we crawled across the finish line in Colton’s season of The Bachelor, but ABC is refusing to let us rest. Last night, after a 12-hour Instagram and Facebook blackout that may or may not have taken years off my life, Mike Fleiss and his goons decided to show us all 33 of Hannah B.’s contestants. Can we really not have one day off before thinking about The Bachelorette? I mean, even God got to rest on the seventh day, and he didn’t even have to put up with Colton’s sh*t first.

So, aside from ripping ABC a new asshole for not giving us a break, I seriously need to address these 33 men. WHERE IS ABC FINDING THESE PEOPLE? This roster of dudes is loaded with some serious grenades, and I don’t understand why they were even considered  in the first place.

Okay, so I understand that looks aren’t the only important thing in the world, and it seems shallow to judge people based on their appearance. That’s great, but the whole foundation of The Bachelor franchise is hot people falling in love on TV. That’s how it’s always been, and it seems a little unfair to Hannah B. that ABC has suddenly decided to not care about looks. Think about the women on Colton’s season. You had multiple pageant queens, and even if you thought all of them were boring, you can’t really argue that they were hot. What is this double standard between the men and the women? If I have to sit through a season of hot 23-year-olds who can’t form sentences, I at least want some male eye candy to match.

#TheBachelor casting call: BABY PROSTITUTES WANTED#TheBachelorette casting call: looking for some men, job optional, teeth optional

— Dylan Hafer (@50shadesofbetch) March 14, 2019

Along with the lack of effort in casting, ABC clearly invested very little effort and/or money in the official photos of these guys, because they look less legit than my fake ID photo that I took in front of a piece of blue poster board in a dorm hallway. Apparently everyone was given the choice of three different awkward poses—God forbid anyone look happy or relaxed. The teal background is definitely a choice, and by “choice” I mean the local post office was throwing it away so ABC snapped it up. But what’s worse? They couldn’t even be bothered to turn on the lights for some of these guys! Case in point, Connor J.:

Hello ABC, it is 2019! I have better lighting using my iPhone selfie camera in a pitch black room. Where is the production budget!? Hannah B. better be on her A-game when The Bachelorette starts, because ABC is clearly trying to sabotage her season right out of the gate.

We’ll have plenty of time later to roast these guys one at a time once their bios come out, so I’ll limit it to a couple for now. First, please pour one out for this knock-off Nick Viall. He’s allegedly 29 years old, but I do not believe that he doesn’t still live in a frat house.

There are truly too many men here for me to make fun of, but my personal favorite has to be Daron. Look into this man’s eyes and tell me he is not OJ Simpson, I dare you. This season on The Bachelorette, THE JUICE IS LOOSE. Will Kris Jenner make a surprise appearance on a group date? We can only hope.

If you want to see all 33 of these tragic, tragic men, you can click here, because at this point I really can’t think about them anymore. Right now, we just have names, ages, and hometowns, so we’ll be eagerly awaiting to hear more about all of these men and their lame personalities. I bet some of them have great jobs such as “used car salesman”, “dog fight ringleader”, or “unemployed.” Can’t wait to see Hannah’s reaction when they all get out of the limo. If I were her, I’d f*cking run for the hills.

Images: ABC (4); @50shadesofbetch / Twitter