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Welcome back, folks, to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! I fully expect this week’s episode to include a total of 30 minutes of actual usable footage and the remaining 1.5 hours will be a metaphorical drawing and quartering of Luke P’s character. I’m giddy with anticipation. When we last left off, Hannah and the men were in Crete, Greece, where she had to decide which of the men she would need to bang in a windmill connect with on a deeper level and which of them she would just dry hump for nine hours. Tbh I’m still not well with her choices. But one choice I can get behind from last week’s episode is that Hannah finally sent Luke P back to the communal shower from whence he crawled out of—and all it took was him slut shaming her on national television and then condescendingly asking her to pray with him! I would have dumped him the first time I saw him line up with the other guys and realized he was entire heads and shoulders smaller than the rest of them, but to each her own, I guess.
The Rose Ceremony
Moving on. Back in Crete, we’re picking things up where we left off with the rose ceremony. Hannah, finally free of the 5’6″ overly coiffed Big Jesus Energy that was Luke P, shows up to deliver the roses looking like she just walked off my mood board from junior year of high school. Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, Hannah, but Deb called and they want their prom dress back, honey!
Hannah:
Me:
Meanwhile, Luke P is back AND HE BROUGHT A RING. What?!?!? He’s like, “I’m on my way and I’m coming” and that’s a line I’ll hear in my nightmares. Honestly, any producer who can talk a grown man into humiliating himself on national TV twice within the span of 18 hours AND to do it with an engagement ring he was definitely told was a Neil Lane diamond when it’s really from the Denny’s gumball machine down the street, deserves a raise. Bravo, sir.
Chris Harrison: Hannah, do you know who you’re going to send home?
Me to my dog alone in my living room: It should be whoever suggested this outfit.
I love that Luke goes to stand in line with the other three men WHO HAVEN’T BEEN ELIMINATED ALREADY as if he will be getting a rose this evening also. It’s this mix of confidence and delusional thinking that I’ll be bringing with me into my next job performance review.
God, Luke has no shame. He keeps saying how he loves Hannah and the relationship isn’t over for him yet and it’s like, GO HOME LUKE. YOUR MOTHERBOARD IS MALFUNCTIONING. Seriously, which intern pulled him off the charger and let him walk right into that rose ceremony? Chris, was that your least favorite nephew again?
Luke continues to beg and plead for Hannah’s attention and, honestly, it’s getting hard to watch. Normally, reducing a grown man to groveling on national TV is how I get off my preferred method of winding down after a long day, but honestly, I don’t know how much more I can take of this, especially as it becomes clear that he’s not leaving.
Hannah tries to take control of the situation by physically moving the table with the roses on it so he’s not standing in front of it anymore, and he STILL crowds her space. It’s unsettling to watch and maybe even a little triggering. Why do I feel like half the men back home watching this are thinking to themselves “I would never treat a woman like this” but have also sent a text/DM/subtweet to a woman that said “whatever ur a fat bitch and i wuz never into you anyway” when rejected?
Luke: Can you seriously look me in the eyes and tell me it’s over?
Hannah:
I love how Jed is acting like he is the sole reason Luke was finally dismissed from the rose ceremony. You literally just stood there in your poop brown suit and raised your eyebrows from a safe distance. That’s all you did!!
“The Men Tell All” Also Known As “The Luke P Show”
In a jarring transition from rose ceremony to The Men Tell All, Chris Harrison starts things off by calling in Jesus’s favorite f*ckboy: Luke. I’m sorry, but I thought this was The Bachelorette? Why are we giving this Fox & Friends acolyte one more minute of screen time? He practically hijacked this entire season, does he really need a spotlight during The Men Tell All? We know he’s a piece of sh*t, we don’t need to devote the remaining hour and fifteen minutes of this episode to investigating this claim at length!
Luke tries to explain his extremely sexist and misogynistic remarks to Hannah during the fantasy suite, and it’s not going well for him. He’s like, “I’m not okay with her straddling or mounting or kissing other guys.” STRADDLING OR MOUNTING. These are words being said on primetime television rn!!! He sounds like he’s describing my dog’s archnemesis at the dog park who is always trying to dominate her, instead of the woman he seriously considered marrying.
Also, why did Luke even go on this show? He had to know about the fantasy suites prior to being on this season. Clearly this is not the dating forum for him, so why even go on the show? Did he need to raise money for his church’s mission trip? What was the motive here? I’m suspicious.
Chris Harrison once again tries to pull some sort of emotion out of Luke P by asking him about that half-baked proposal, and the result is a full minute’s worth of silence. You can practically hear his programming malfunctioning in the background. If you look closely enough, you can see the smoke from his wires frying.
“I’m getting choked up over here,” Luke says with absolutely no emotion as he describes in monotone his thought process behind slut shaming a woman on national television. No, you’re getting choked up because for the first time in your life people are holding you accountable for your words and actions and it’s upsetting to you.
Luke: If I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing.
IF I COULD GO BACK I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING!! Is this the part where the angry mob swarms him? Because if so I’ve been sharpening my pitch fork for the last 45 minutes and can be ready to go in 10!
It’s just crazy that he literally has no idea what a piece of sh*t he is. There is no self-awareness there at all. At one point he even mentions wanting to “save” Hannah and refers to his time on the show as a “rescue mission” as if a woman WHO IS THE GODDAMN LEAD OF THE SHOW can’t save herself. Disgusting.
Okay, who tf is Devon and did he go bullfighting before this?
Devon: Can I just be real with you for a second, Luke?
Also Devon:
The resemblance is uncanny!!
I’m sorry, but did Luke truly just say that he believes a man should guide and control the relationship? IN THE YEAR 2019 ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN. You know what? I do hope he gets invited to Paradise this year, if only so I can watch Demi roast him over a spit and serve his entrails to the her enemies. It’s the very least you can do for me, ABC.
Chris invites the other men from Hannah’s season out onto the stage to read the rest of Luke’s crimes before the public hanging commences. I can think of no better punishment for his transgressions than putting him in the public stocks for at least 30 minutes while members of the audience throw spoiled fruit at him and Luke S goes into a detailed account of his tequila brand.
Chris Harrison: Do you guys have anything to say to Luke?
Connor: Yeah, f*ck you man.
Connor! Such language! He better hope his mother isn’t watching. He might have to put a quarter in the swear jar.
Luke continues to dig his own grave with the men. It’s like they all heard it’s 2019 and realized if they want to get laid by their following they’re going to have to do a little more than just post about their new Bachelor recap podcast on IG—they might actually have to show they care for and respect women. Crazy!!
As the crowd starts to turn on Luke and the men finish fashioning their cuff links into makeshift shivs, he tries one last attempt at explaining himself. He talks about the hypocritical moment when he slut shamed Hannah for having sex, when in fact he was not a virgin either. He’s like “some people call it secondary virgin, others call it just the tip, but you know what the deal is!” Do we, Luke??
Luke continues to show zero remorse and then hops on a flight out of there to go find a new woman to emotionally abuse.
A Moment Of Appreciation For The Gift That Keeps On Giving: John Paul Jones
Chris Harrison calls JPJ up to the hot seat next and I would call bullsh*t on that “fan favorite” comment except I just saw a girl in the audience start hysterically crying at the mere mention of his name. It’s like every time he flips his hair a teenage girl has her sexual awakening.
Also, I’m starting to realize that JPJ is actually very attractive? How am I just now noticing this? I mean, does he have the face of someone whose daddy threatened to sue Sigma Alpha Epsilon for not giving him a bid freshman year? Sure, but that’s sort of my type neither here nor there.
You guys, The Men Tell All is taking a very weird turn with this girl who wants to keep a lock of JPJ’s hair to wear around her neck in a locket. I literally want to throw myself into oncoming traffic if I so much as wave to the wrong person and this girl just cut off a piece of a strange man’s hair on national television!! One of us will be bringing this up AT LENGTH with their therapist, and I have a feeling it won’t be her.
Hannah Is Really Sorry, You Guys
Last but not least, we end things with an appearance from the bachelorette herself: Alabama Hannah. She wants us all to know that she’s really, really sorry for keeping a man who most certainly lies about his height on his Christian Mingle bio around for so long. Ah, so we’re making this about Luke again. Got it.
Here’s the thing: I’m glad Hannah can look back on her relationship with Luke and realize that she learned something from all of this. I’m glad that his toxic behavior and misogynistic words are being called out and publicly shamed. Really, I am so glad. BUT, like, I don’t want to hear his name for one more goddamn second. The worst thing we can do to this guy is completely forget about him, to not acknowledge his presence at all. AND YET, we’ve spent the last 2.75 hours discussing him at length. I’m over it.
Tbh I feel like this entire Tell All can be explained in a single gif:
Hannah: I’m truly sorry for dating that douchebag. World peace and roll tide!
Minus that part about “roll tide” that was the exact apology I had to give my sorority when my date at junior year formal got caught doing coke in the bathroom by the hotel manager. It happens to the best of us, girlfriend!
And on that note, that’s it from me this week! See you betches next Monday AND Tuesday where the only thing thrilling about this two-part conclusion will be my rising blood pressure levels. TTYL!
Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy (6); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @starstylecom /Instagram (1)
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Welcome to my Bachelorette recap, folks! I’m filling in for It’s Britney, Betch this week, which is equal parts thrilling and terrifying because it’s Fantasy Suites, and I grew up in a strict Irish/Italian Catholic household where no one ever discussed sex, except for that one time I was forced to watch a Katie Couric special, so this should be uncomfortable at best!! But never fear, I’ve still got Britney on our old Bachelor group chat, so hopefully she’ll be able to coax the raunchiness out of me. Now that this episode is finally here, I hope you guys are as excited as I am to see the desecration of a windmill on national TV, to hear Hannah breathlessly whisper “roll tide” from behind a closed door, and to finally find out if this episode is actually just two hours of the slut-shaming clip played on a loop. Shall we begin?
We start the episode on the beautiful island of Crete, where Hannah informs us that “Fantasy Suite week is not about sex, it’s about having time together in a real, raw, way.” I’m sorry Hannah, but that just sounded to me like you plan on having unprotected sex. Katie Couric would NOT approve.
Hannah is so excited about this week that she’s singing, and if that’s her pageant talent, I can see why she was always a bridesmaid and never a bride. She would have been better off playing the water glasses.
Peter’s Date
Peter shows up and he is wearing jeans to this date. On an island. Huh. You would think a pilot would be a better packer than that. Peter says he has never been this “exposed” to someone or this “totally raw” with someone, and once again I beg you guys to use condoms! He also says he wants to make her his screensaver on his phone and never change it, and I think he stole that from a far superior Peter, Peter Kavinsky. You sir are NO Peter Kavinsky. And maybe don’t get your moves from a teen movie, hmm?
^^can’t beat this Peter
Hannah and Peter dry hump on the boat, but she’s still a little skeptical of his feelings for her. She wants to know if it will be “smooth sailing or rocky waters” with Peter, which definitely means she thinks he could be bad in bed.
We’ve made it to the night portion of the evening, and Hannah is wearing a bathrobe that she got specially made for her by Elle Woods’ tailor.
They sit down, and Peter toasts to love and fate for bringing them together, and if by fate he means “the producers who convinced me to dump my current girlfriend to get on this reality show,” then sure, it was fate. Peter continues to tell Hannah he loves his family, he loves flying, he loves lamp. JUST SPIT IT OUT PETER. He eventually tells her that she has flaws but he’s in love with her. So sweet! TBH if he’s this nervous about saying I love you, I shudder to think what he’ll be like when Hannah asks him to find her g-spot.
They finally get the sad, handwritten note inviting them to go to the fantasy suite. They accept AND THEY HEAD TO THEIR ROOM IN A WINDMILL. I didn’t expect to make it to the infamous windmill so quickly! Also, for some reason I was picturing one of those replica windmills you find on a mini golf course down the shore. This makes a lot more sense. Oh boy, is that a trunk full of condoms? It’s like Chris Harrison heard how many times they said the word raw, and was like “Not on my watch!”
The next morning, Hannah calls Peter her Zeus, and she is Aphrodite, as if the two of them just didn’t have a wild night of missionary with the lights off.
Peter is pleased with his performance and I love how he thinks lasting three minutes instead of his usual two means he’s won Hannah over.
But was it, sweetie?
Tyler’s Date
Tyler arrives for his day date and looks even more beautiful in Greece than I remember. Hannah says that Tyler is the guy that everyone wants to be with, and on behalf of the women of America, or at least the three women in my group chat, I can confirm that with a resounding yes.
Their daytime activity is a couples massage, and I’m incredibly jealous because I’ve been told recently that I have a very tight back. It’s definitely not from the stress of writing sex jokes, don’t you guys worry! My stress isn’t manifesting in physical pain at all!
Okay, what is Tyler doing? He takes things into his own hands by kicking the masseuses out, and climbing on top of Hannah. Tyler, this is not how massages work! Wait for your turn in the windmill!
Hannah tells us she’s concerned that she only has a physical relationship with Tyler, and would like to explore the rest of their relationship later. I don’t like where this is headed.
As Tyler continues to sensually massage Hannah’s thighs in a way that makes me want to cover my dog’s eyes, she worries that maybe she is only into Tyler because he’s rich, tall, and attractive, to which I say WHAT’S YOUR POINT, HANNAH?
I’m suspicious of her hesitance but will also gladly volunteer as tribute to stand in for her during tonight’s fantasy suite. Anyone have a time travel machine I can pop into for a minute?
They meet up for the night, and Tyler is wearing the lucky salmon jacket, and a pair of capri pants!! Men of the world, are these pants fashionable? I can’t answer that question because the longest relationship I’ve had lately was with the Uber driver who dropped off my lost phone and then decided to linger a little too long after he shamed me for it. So please, help a girl out.
Is it just me, or is Tyler impossible to understand? It’s like the teachers in Jupiter were too busy building meth labs in their basement to teach kids how to enunciate. That one’s for all you Florida defenders in the comments *wink*.
At dinner, Hannah straight up tells Tyler that she is concerned because she is so addicted to his body (same), but she really just wants to know his favorite color. She tells him she doesn’t want to go into the fantasy suite to have sex, but because they need the emotional time together.
Tyler rn:
Tyler tells her he would still want to spend the night under the stars with her just doing whatever she wants to do. 100 bucks says they are still totally going to bang. Any takers?
We’ve made it to the morning, and Hannah is continuing to assure us that they didn’t have sex, but that they’re more emotionally connected than ever.
Hannah: We’re closer than ever.
Me:
Jed’s Date
Now here comes Jed, butthurt he was neck-and-neck with the douche king last week. Poor, sad, conventionally attractive man didn’t get what he wanted last week and is throwing a fit? This really is the most shocking season, ever. *insert eyeroll*
Once again she is “experiencing the culture” of a foreign country with Jed. Is that because he did such a good job last time? I hope these lovely Greek people have their maps handy so they can locate Jed’s home country of “English.”
Anddd Hannah’s getting drunk again. I feel like I would also be a constantly tipsy bachelorette. Makes the sex offenders/cheaters/zealots men seem more tolerable! Pro tip: that’s also how I get through work every day.
I like that Hannah describes fantasy suite week to the locals as “we get to spend more time together,” as if her last date didn’t end with a man accidentally ejaculating into his skinny jeans.
Okay, the way Jed is explaining The Bachelorette to the locals gives me the impression that he is such a mansplainer. I feel like he would stop in the middle of a Chippendales dance to correct a client, “Excuse me, I heard you call my underwear a cheap thong earlier, but actually it’s an ancient garb that was worn by kings and has special meaning to all of us here, in case you wanted to know.” She didn’t want to know, Jed.
Jed pulls Hannah aside during their day date, and relays his concerns about her relationship with Luke. He asks her to be honest about what she sees in Luke.
Hannah:
Yeah Jed, I’m regretting you asking too.
Hannah and Jed meet up later that night and she’s giving his earlier sh*t fit the benefit of the doubt. She says that she knows it comes from a place of caring for her heart, and not him being a big f*cking baby. I beg to differ.
Jed continues to belabor the point and basically tells Hannah he hates her for keeping Luke around. He says he is worried that she has a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for her in her life. He also says he is sure about her and doesn’t want to be not sure about her but this is making him question everything. Exsqueeze me?! He is completely manipulating Hannah to get her to pick him. Are you f*cking kidding me, Jed?! This is completely toxic behavior. I SEE YOU, JED.
Hannah is so flustered that she runs off, and Jed chases her as visions of his Spotify streams slowing down dance in his head. They sit back down and he says that he felt he had to tell her the raw truth about Luke. There’s that word again. Honey, after that conversation I don’t think you’re getting anything raw.
After his toxic, manipulative bullsh*t, Jed backtracks just enough so that he’s sure he can still get it in tonight, and then do his best Dr. Evil laugh after Hannah falls asleep. Hannah is charmed by him again, and now she is offering the fantasy suite!! HANNAH. Girl. I have been behind you for most of this journey, but this is not your best decision. Like, I even think your red cutout dress was a better decision than this, and I told everyone that would listen that you bought that at Wet Seal.
I truly can’t believe that she slept with Jed and only “kissed” and “held” Tyler. I hope this is one of those regrets people mention on their deathbed.
I award Jed one point for being the only man to wear full pants this episode, but that’s it. And I award it begrudgingly.
Luke’s Date
And we’ve finally made it to Mr. Slut Shamer himself, the only man to ever meet Jesus in the shower, Luke P! And she takes him to Santorini?! He does not deserve the pure beauty of this island. Oh good they’re going in a helicopter, maybe it will crash.
It didn’t crash. Which is unfortunate, because I would be embarrassed to take that manscaped, juiced up jock to Santorini. Especially when he starts dancing.
I have no other notes on their day date guys, my apologies for just wanting to finally get to the slut-shaming scene before I die of old age.
They sit down and Luke says, “Oh this is darling.” RED FLAG. I know she was willing to ignore the other red flags but this one had to smack her right in the face, no
And then we get down to business! Such a great idea to start a conversation this way:
And we’re in it! Luke tells Hannah that he believes sex should be between a man and his wife, and that even though he has been sexually active in the past, he has been abstaining from sex for the last 2.5 to 4 years. That’s quite the range, Luke. Have you been waffling on whether Jesus thinks “just the tip” counts or not?
He tells Hannah that if she had sex with the other guys that are still left, he would want to go home. And that is when she’s finally had enough.
Hannah calls him out for telling her what to do, and judging her when he’s not currently her husband. He says having sex out of marriage is a sin. She CALLS HIM OUT for also committing sins.
Hannah: PRIDE IS A SIN TOO
Me:
He says he is willing to work through any “slip ups,” but at this point Hannah is having NONE of this. She tells him she ignored all the awful things about him, and he can’t even trust her to make her own decisions?! She says all this while production hell rains down on her from above.
She calls him out for telling her what to do. And she says that she finally has clarity and she does not want him to be her husband. You go Hannah! I’ll bring the gasoline, let’s set him on fire! Send him back to that shower, Hannah! Jesus needs to teach him another lesson! And drown him! Wait, am I getting too fired up here?
Luke basically refuses to get up, dumbfounded that a woman he called a common street whore wouldn’t want him to stay. Hannah tells us that she has God in her heart and she is light. And that she’s had sex and Jesus still loves her. In the immortal words of every text message from my Aunt Angela, you go girl!
Luke finally gets to the car and says, “Can I pray over you before I leave?” No, Luke, you can go f*ck yourself before you leave, and break that 2.5-4-year streak, thanks.
Well, that was a wild ride. Peter comes out of this episode looking like the winner, but now that we know he is also a two-timing sack of human waste, and it appears that Luke crashes the rose ceremony, I think the only thing we can truly root for next week is that they all die in a fiery blaze. A girl can dream!
Images: ABC; Giphy (7)
