The Craziest Rumors & Theories For How Peter’s Season Of ‘The Bachelor’ Will End

This season of The Bachelor has been predictable, spineless, prone to injury, with dance moves so cringeworthy I watch every episode through my fingers while simultaneously shrieking. Oh SORRY! I’m describing the Bachelor himself. This season has been the most dramatic ever, with fights over champagne imported from exotic Des Moines, Iowa, accusations of lying, and beauty queens denying they ever knew each other. And, we’re five episodes in and the women have already attempted a coup and revolted against the lead! They haven’t even been in the house long enough for their periods to sync up! But this is what you get when your contestant’s average age is lower than that of everyone on the Navarro Cheer Team. Jerry would never behave this immaturely.  

So, you could say this season has been A LOT. But, according to the internet, we haven’t even heard the REAL drama yet. That’s right, there have been some crazy rumors and theories flying around about Pilot Pete’s season, each one more unhinged than the last. So, let’s take a look at these rumors and theories that people have come up with based on very little evidence and very large amounts of conjecture. My favorite!

One Of The Contestants Is Pregnant

Well well well, isn’t this a juicy one?! According to Heavy, and apparently, the Millionaire Matchmaker herself, one of Peter’s women is expecting. And so soon after she finally got her first period, too! This theory is based on the fact that in finale previews, Peter learns a piece of information that makes him feel overwhelmed, and he says “I think I’m going to pass out.” That has led some people on Twitter to claim the information that he learns is that a woman is pregnant. Wow, that’s rock solid evidence right there. Call up Olivia Benson and have her take it to the DA right now because they don’t need anything else. I’m impressed. 

So, who do we think is pregnant, friends? We all know it’s not Kelsey because she’s on a cocktail of Pinot Grigio, Adderall, and birth control, but anyone else is fair game. Now, if only the producers had let Peter bring his personal car jam-packed with condoms to filming, we wouldn’t be in this amazing ratings opportunity situation, would we?

Peter Slept With Kelley When They Met In The Hotel Lobby

I mean, duh, I think we all figured that, right? Lobby encounters are by definition not memorable UNLESS you have an illicit hookup in a poorly cleaned gender neutral bathroom. Or, if you’re at a DoubleTree, because those hot chocolate chip cookies are BANGIN. But sure, I will give former winner Lauren B, now known as Lauren Luyendyk, credit for bringing up this theory on her YouTube channel (who knew that existed??). Lauren is, again, basing this on previews that the producers definitely did not slap together to manipulate viewers into believing certain things happened that did not happen. She says that the teasers that allude to Peter sleeping with one of the contestants are talking about Kelley, and that it happened before she even went on the show. While I think this is a bit of a stretch to guess based on previews, I do think it happened and I am VERY impressed that Lauren B managed to come up with a string of words longer than “I love that,” so I’ll go with it. 

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@pilot_pete good to see you again, let’s pick up where we left off! #fourseasons #Itsfate #itsasign

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They’ve hooked up, I can see it in their eyes

Peter Had Sex On His First One-On-One

Look guys, I know you’re starting to think I’m a perv because these are all about sex, but it’s not me I swear! It’s the internet that’s the perv! So, anyway, PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET think that Peter and Madison got it on during their first one-on-one date. I think this is unlikely considering he was at a family party where his parents were renewing their vows, so doing it with a virtual stranger seems a bit gauche—but this is also a man who does not respect the sanctity of the windmill, so anything could happen! 

Let’s look at the flimsy-at-best evidence for this one. According to Cheatsheet, “every time Weber gets together with Madison they talk about how special their first date was together. They seem almost too giddy about the whole thing.” Personally I think they probably talk about that first date because they don’t know each other, have spent a total of three hours together, and have literally nothing else to talk about, but sure, maybe they f*cked. I mean, it would explain why Madison has only worn replicas of that hot pink Wet Seal dress ever since. Trying to recreate the magic, perhaps? 

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she fits right in🥺

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Is this pre- or post-sex?

The Ending Hasn’t Happened Yet

Before the season aired, Peter went around bragging that his season couldn’t be spoiled. Weird flex, but okay. Reality Steve, known for being the Bachelor spoiler himself, claimed this was because the ending hadn’t actually happened yet. And Chris Harrison, managing to drag his ass off the golf course to begrudgingly fulfill his contract, says, “It’s possible it’s still not over.” Okay, Chris, like you were there long enough to know. Sure. I mean, this would be a way to keep the ending a secret, and also a way to force us poor viewers to watch four hours across multiple nights of After the Final Rose. This show does love their torture. Why can’t they just waterboard me instead?! Please? 

However, Reality Steve now says that he has finally heard the ending, he just doesn’t have any evidence solid enough that he feels like he can publish it. UGH this is like when my friend drunkenly whispers in my ear “I have a secretttttttt” and then promptly passes out. It’s rude. I guess we’ll just have to wait until the finale to find out which model he picks, huh? 

Peter Ends Up With Hannah Brown

I think this one is the least likely, but I had to put it in here because our resident recapper, Ryanne, has been insisting for months this is the ending, and I’d like her to have a little hope in her sad little life. This one’s for you, Ry! So, as we all know, Hannah showed up at the mansion on the first night, and then showed up at the first group date to remind us all that she f*cked Peter in a windmill (as if my nightmares have let me forget it). They were both very emotional about her return, and it seemed for a while like she might stay. So, after grasping at these straws, and of course, overanalyzing previews, people on Twitter briefly decided that Hannah B returns, and is the ultimate winner of Peter’s season. Reality Steve says that’s not gonna happen, and that she was filming Dancing with the Stars the whole time The Bachelor was filming, so it’s most likely a pipe dream. Even if Hannah B isn’t the winner, we are all winners, because we got to see perhaps the best display of mascara tears ever on television. Yeah, I said it, Lauren Conrad. Fight me. 

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The captain has turned on the seatbelt sign…because we are about to experience some BEASTLY turbulence 😱 See what @hannahbrown is up to on #TheBachelor premiere tonight at 8|7c on ABC.

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And those are the crazy rumors going around! Personally I hope one of the girls is pregnant, and I hope that baby comes out of the womb babbling nonstop about windmills. We’ll find out soon! 

Images: ABC; heartsformadi, bacheloretteabc, kelleyflanagan/Instagram, Giphy, pattistanger/Twitter

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Is Hannah B. Going To Be On Pilot Pete’s Season Of ‘The Bachelor’?

Like the roommate who started polluting your apartment with Hobby Lobby Christmas decorations before your Halloween hangover even subsided, ABC is also gearing up early for the holidays. But instead of gifting you with a fake Christmas tree that does nothing but partially block your view of the TV and give your dog diarrhea whenever she chews on it, ABC has gifted us with the gift that keeps on giving: the first official trailer for Peter’s season of The Bachelor.

The first promo for the season dropped a little over a week ago and gave us more windmill green screen imagery than the PowerPoint deck for the Green New Deal. Like, we GET IT, he f*cked in a windmill. I figured the trailer would be much of the same. And for the most part it was: we got Chris Harrison delivering his first contractually obligated “most dramatic season ever” of the season, at least 10 frames of Peter standing shirtless next to a plane, and footage of girls who are way too hot for Peter pretending to be into Peter. Basically, the storyboard for the teaser trailer could have been crafted by someone who doesn’t have working eyes or ears and only knows that Peter is a pilot (Chris Harrison’s least favorite nephew-turned-ABC-intern, I am looking at YOU). But then, just as I’m tempted to exit out of the trailer entirely, who should pop up on my screen? None other than HANNAH MF BROWN. 

Before we go any further, here’s the full trailer so you can watch it in its entirety: 

Not only does Hannah make an appearance during the season, but Peter actually asks her to stay AND THEN THEY ALMOST KISS. I mean, their body language alone has enough fire in it to burn ABC studios to the ground, and a still of their lips almost touching is certainly going to be my phone’s new background photo. I want to believe in a world where Hannah B gets a second chance at love on The Bachelor, I really do. But that would also require me to believe that the Easter bunny exists and that I plan my spring vacations around a groundhog. All I’m saying is the trailer looks a little too good to be true. Like, so untrue it might be world-class production editing untrue.

For one, Hannah B. just won the Dancing With the Stars. It seems unlikely that she could be on two reality TV shows at the same time, especially considering they aren’t filmed in the same city. Dancing With the Stars is filmed in Hollywood, CA, while The Bachelor takes up residence in Agoura Hills. According to Google Maps, that’s like an hour plus commute each way, but you might as well add ten years to that when you factor in California traffic. 

Even if Hannah could do both shows, I don’t think she would. Don’t get me wrong, during her season’s After The Final Rose, I saw sparks between her and Peter. She practically had her hand down his pants at one point, so I could see them happening. What I don’t see happening is Hannah trying to compete for his attention with 20+ other women. She had her own season of The Bachelorette for god’s sake, she’s not going to go back to being on the other side of “can I steal you for a sec?”

And it’s not like Hannah isn’t single either. She recently confirmed that she’s not dating her Dancing With the Stars dance partner, Alan Bersten, nor is she dating ex Tyler Cameron. But she also said that she has “trauma from dating” (same girl). Something tells me that she’s not jumping back out into the dating world via bikini-clad group dates and drunken confessionals. Just a guess. 

Then there’s the matter of video editing. This isn’t the first time ABC has promised us a fire season only to deliver a throne of lies built off one juicy season trailer. Take Colton’s infamous fence jump, for example. Production teased that happening from day one. They made it seem as if Colton’s meltdown would happen early on and in front of multiple women, when in all actuality the fence jump heard ‘round the world occurred during one of the last episodes of the season and in front of no one but Chris Harrison and a few shocked camera men. I wouldn’t be surprised if Hannah whole “I’d do anything for love” line from the trailer wasn’t taken completely out of context for the sole purpose of leading us. Nice try, ABC, but you aren’t the first f*ckboy I’ve encountered, mmkay?

So, do I think Hannah is going to be on Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor? The short answer is yes, but for less time than a commercial break. I’m not saying that Pilot Pete and Hannah are over for good (I will hold onto this torch until the end of time), but if anything happens between the two of them it won’t be on our TV screens, but rather, over Instagram DMs like God intended. Only time will tell, I suppose. Either way see you betches in January for the new season!

Images: ABC (1); Youtube (1)

The New ‘Dancing With The Stars’ Cast Is Iconically Random

I’ll be honest, it’s been a long time since I sat down and watched Dancing With The Stars. Back when the show first started in 2005, I was too young to really know who most of the people were, and I’m not exactly a ballroom dance super fan. But still, over the years I’ve watched random episodes of DWTS, and there’s a reason it’s now going into its 28th season. 28 is an insane number, but there are apparently still plenty of celebs who are dying to compete for the mirrorball trophy. Case in point: today ABC announced the cast for the upcoming season, and it’s…incredible?

Each of the 12 contestants on the new season is more random than the next, and I really have to applaud the casting team for digging up this prime bunch. Let’s go through the contestants, while I ponder whether I might need to start watching? Tom Bergeron’s jokes are bad, but I might suffer through just to see this circus.

Hannah Brown

It’s no surprise that our sweet Bachelorette Hannah B is headed straight to Dancing With The Stars. This has been rumored for a while, and past Bachelor Nation members like Nick Viall and Melissa Rycroft have also competed on the show. Hey, if Hannah’s not going to end up with Jed or Tyler, maybe she can find love in the arms of a hot Eastern European ballroom dancer? It’s what she deserves. If she doesn’t do a dance to the Alabama fight song within the first three episodes, I’ll be shocked.

Karamo Brown

No relation to Hannah Brown, Karamo is the first of Queer Eye’s Fab Five to compete on DWTS. Karamo’s job on Queer Eye has never been completely clear to me, but maybe he’s an amazing dancer. Or maybe he’ll just skip the dancing and make straight men in the studio audience cry while teaching them important lessons about embracing their inner fabulousness. But he’s probably also a good dancer.

Lauren Alaina

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Mirror, Mirror on the ball. Surprise!!! @dancingabc Can’t wait!

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Lauren Alaina is one of the more random people on this list, because she was on a season of American Idol after everyone stopped watching. She’s a country music artist, and has actually been pretty successful in that genre, so good for her. Among her career achievements is a headlining set at Stagecoach (!!!), where I’m willing to bet Blake Horstmann slid into her DMs.

Christie Brinkley

Christie Brinkley is definitely too good to be on this show, but she’s a supermodel in her 60s, so I guess a gig is a gig. It pains me to say this, but if you’re a young person, you might only recognize her as Jerry’s wife Gail from Parks & Recreation. To be honest, I’m shocked she hasn’t been on Dancing With The Stars before, but I guess there’s a first time for everything.

Ray Lewis

You might recognize the name Ray Lewis, but you probably need a little more background to understand why he’s important. He played for the Baltimore Ravens from 1996 t0 2012, but had to take a quick break in 2000, when he was indicted on murder charges. He copped a plea deal and didn’t do prison time, and went on to become the Super Bowl MVP the next year. He also caused controversy in 2016 when he met with Donald Trump about the economy. When asked about Trump’s history of racially insensitive behavior, Lewis said that “black or white is irrelevant.” Let’s hope he sticks to dancing and not politics on DWTS.

Mary Wilson

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Secret’s out!! I’m SO excited to be a contestant on @dancingabc! ??♥️ Make sure to tune into the premiere on Monday 9/16 #DWTS ?

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Mary Wilson is best known as the longest-running member of The Supremes, though she usually got overshadowed by Diana Ross in the group. She’s 75 years old, so it’s honestly just impressive that she’s doing this. I mean, I’m in my 20s and I don’t even like to get out of bed on the weekends, so you go girl.

Ally Brooke

Ally Brooke rose to fame as a part of Fifth Harmony, but her solo career hasn’t blown up like Camila Cabello or Normani yet. Normani went on DWTS a couple years ago, and she’s been doing great since then, so maybe the show will have the same effect for Ally. I’ve actually met her, and she’s super nice, so I guess I’m rooting for her. And by “rooting for her,” I mean that I’m not going to watch the show, but I’ll probably notice on Instagram when she posts about getting sent home.

Kel Mitchell

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Let’s dance! Make sure you vote for ya fam Kel on @dancingabc 8/7c Love y’all! ???lets take this journey together. #AllGod #blessings #dancingwiththestars

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Yeah, so Kel from Kenan & Kel is still alive, and he’s going on Dancing With The Stars. Good stuff. I don’t really have anything to say about Kel going on this show, except I hope he does a great job. Whatever.

James Van Der Beek

I never made it all the way through Dawson’s Creek, but I absolutely love this for James Van Der Beek. Good for him. It’s also funny, because I’m pretty sure when he played a fictionalized version of himself on Don’t Trust The B In Apartment 23, he said that he would never go on Dancing With The Stars. Oh how the turn tables have…turned. Oh, and one more thing. In the official cast bios, they say that he has both four and five children, and I don’t care enough to look the real answer up, but I really hope someone at ABC didn’t just reveal a secret love child. (I looked it up. He has five kids. Kinda disappointed there’s no love child.)

Kate Flannery

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You’re not drunk! @dancingabc #2019 #dwts #voteformeplease @goodmorningamerica dress by #Carolynbeth styled by @sparkleandfringe

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You might not recognize her name, but this is f*cking MEREDITH from The Office. I’m screaming. I will only accept this casting if she shows up in character, aka fully blackout and not wearing panties. I need some drama!! This is the exact kind of has-been I want them to cast on this show, because she both needs the paycheck, and will most likely bring the entertainment value.

Lamar Odom

HAHAHA. To be honest, I feel like it’s touch and go if Lamar Odom is even like, alive and functioning these days, so good for him if he’s really ready to be doing professional level ballroom dancing. He also just said that he’s giving up watching porn to combat his sex addiction, so maybe dancing is just what he needs to take his mind off of…other things. I really hope Khloé Kardashian remembers to set up her DVR for the first episode, because I have a feeling he might not make it to week two.

Sean Spicer

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Game on! Excited to join this seasons awesome cast on Dancing with the Stars! Definitely going to be way outside my comfort zone, but will have some fun and hopefully get some votes! @dancingabc #DWTS

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And for the final, most insane glitch in the simulation—Sean Spicer. Literally what were they thinking? Is there anyone out there who wants to see Sean Spicer doing the rumba? I don’t want to see Sean Spicer doing literally anything! I saw him on the street once in Midtown, and it ruined my entire day! Are people going to like, clap for him? Is Carrie Ann Inaba going to give him a charitable 8 because she can tell he’s trying? I don’t want any part of this! The only way this will be okay is if it’s actually Melissa McCarthy in her Sean Spicer drag. That, I will allow.

Images: ABC; laurenalaina, mwilsonsupreme, iamkelmitchell, therealkateflannery, Seanmspicer / Instagram

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Men Are Still Trash

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Welcome to night two of my personal hell The Bachelorette season finale! Last night, Hannah’s final two men, Tyler and a guy who really should have just gone on The Voice, met her parents and had their last one-on-one dates before proposal day. I think the high points for me was watching Tyler restore health and vitality to Hannah’s mother with one flash of his dimples, and then, in contrast, watching Hannah become physically ill at the thought of her forever with Jed. The low point was having to listen to Jed defend his dog food jingle as a strategic career move that all the “real artists” have to do at least once before making it big. SURE, JAN.

Tonight, we open with Hannah reflecting on her big decision. In a voiceover, she says: “I showed everything and I felt truly free.” Jesus. Is she STILL talking about that windmill?

Next she lists the pros and cons of each man, and the differences are… staggering. On the one hand, she’s got Tyler. He’s attractive, rich, sweet to his dad, never got involved in the house drama, and has always defended her choices no matter how hair-brained they seemed. But—and this is a huge but—he’s from Florida. Yikes. Sure, it’s Jupiter, which I hear is not a complete cesspool, but it’s still Florida, America’s longest-running joke.

Then there’s Jed, a flaming pile of garbage masquerading as a human man. Jed, who admitted to Hannah very early on that he was only on the show for fame and then continued to self-promote the f*ck out of his music with mediocre singing every chance he got. Jed, who her parents hated, who ALWAYS questioned her decisions, and who frequently used manipulative language to get what he wanted. Also, there’s that girlfriend he has in Nashville waiting for him to come back home (and hopefully castrate him). Yes, I see how this could be a real Sophie’s Choice for her.

Okay, actually I’m really loving this dress she’s wearing. Perhaps my arch nemesis, Cary Fetman, took my criticisms to heart? And they say peer pressure doesn’t work!!

Hannah heads off to the final rose ceremony, and she doesn’t look confident at all about this decision. Case in point:

This is not the face of someone who is 100% sure about the man she wants to marry. This is the face of a person who just got asked to do a Fireball shot by a guy who still wears polos with his frat logo on it.

At one point on her way to the proposals Hannah asks the driver to pull over, at which time she starts to FLEE from production. I mean, sure, it’s more of a drunken stagger than an all-out run, but I understand her intent. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Hans!

As she’s fleeing, she takes a tumble down the hill and this just reinforces the argument I’ve been making all season about how Hannah likes to pregrame the rose ceremonies. Finally, a Bachelorette I can get behind! She’s just sitting on the ground in that white dress with bloody elbows and what she really needs is a friend to suggest they just order pizza not go get herself a husband. Where are your real friends when you need them, Hannah?

She’s like, “I don’t know how to tell someone they’re not good enough when it’s not true” and it’s, like, honey you have been on Twitter before haven’t you? She eventually gets up and dusts off the only Cary Fetman dress I’ve ever barely liked and carries on to the rose ceremony. So, I guess it’s a no for that pizza then?

The Proposals

The first limo arrives AND OH MY GOD IT’S TYLER. WHY. Why would you do this to me, Hannah? She does have the foresight to look mildly ashamed as he exits the limo full of hope and some damn good genes. Hannah you are a fool.

Tyler goes into his speech and he is saying all the right things. He’s like, “I know our love is a light that will burn on forever” and I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING. Also, why is she letting him say this entire speech if she’s just going to dump him? This is so painful.

Hannah stops him before he actually gets down on one knee and just has nothing to say. She keeps opening her mouth and no sound comes out. You can tell he knows it’s over. He’s like “so that’s a no?” SO THAT’S A NO. Oh my god, I’m not well. I AM NOT WELL.

Watching as Tyler walks dumbstruck back to the limo, I still just don’t understand how Hannah could do this to me personally. She had the perfect man right in front of her and gave it up for some guy whose dad still pays his rent. I was rooting for you, Hannah, we were all rooting for you!

HANNAH: I’m sorry. I’m just in love with someone else. ME:

Jed rolls up next, and of f*cking course he brings his guitar. He’s like “I don’t have words to express our love, but I do have a song!” You always do, don’t you Jed? Do we think he’ll live tweet the link to it on Spotify?

Hannah starts crying and I hope it’s of embarrassment. Seriously, unless you are the next Harry Styles, no woman wants you to sing to her! Hannah launches into some speech about how she’s been praying for a husband her whole life and how grateful she is for Jesus bringing Jed into her life. Yes, well, if Jesus took the wheel on this one, Hannah, then I think he took it and drove it straight off a cliff.

Jed Faces The Music

Fast forward to a few days post-engagement, and we’re treated to a truly painful montage of Hannah and Jed and their dance parties by the pool. Tbh this was not what I was hoping to see when Chris Harrison promised us that Jed would be emotionally drawn and quartered for our viewing pleasure after the commercial break. Where. Is. the. Bloodshed. WHERE.

It appears production was only able to catch a solid three minutes of happy couple footage before Hannah finds out about the whole Jed having another girlfriend thing and OH SH*T, IT’S GOING DOWN.

Hannah says that right after Jed proposed, he let it slip that he was with this girl before coming on the show but assures her, as all f*ckboys do, that “it was nothing.” A few days after that Hannah gets notified about the People article where Jed’s girlfriend, Haley, describes in great detail the expanse of their relationship, and it sounds way more in-depth than Jed’s hit-it-and-quit-it description of it. Also, Hannah is still wearing the ring though?? WHAT DOES IT MEAN.

Hannah says she doesn’t know the man she fell in love with, but I feel like the warning signs were there. I mean she’s heard him sing before.

Jed goes over to Hannah’s safe house to clear the air with her and it’s like, what? No guitar today, Jed? There’s not a song in your heart to describe being a disgusting philanderer? Also, that he has the audacity to do a sing-song friendly knock. THIS IS A SOMBER KNOCK OCCASION, JED.

All I have to say is waiting for Hannah to f*cking obliterate Jed is my thunderdome. Hannah starts things off by wanting to know about literally every chick who’s ever breathed on him. She’s just covering all her bases!

JED: There are two very different views of what actually went down. HANNAH: So let me get this straight. She called you her boyfriend, you went on lavish vacations with her like a boyfriend, and told her you loved her as boyfriends sometimes do, but you weren’t her boyfriend? JED: So you do get it!

Jed launches into his versions of events and, guys, it’s so much worse than we thought. We find out that he met Haley in October when he was “very single still” and “dating around.” They slept together, there was some sort of romantic cabin weekend (but he didn’t pay for the cabin so he’s not her boyfriend, just a giant piece of sh*t, okay!!), birthdays were shared, her parents thought they were dating enough that they bought them a lavish vacation as a couple, and he even told her “I love you” (but he was drunk so it doesn’t count, okay!!).

HANNAH: But you weren’t dating. JED: We weren’t dating. Absolutely not. We did go on several trips together as a couple and an “I love you” was exchanged but I have NO idea where the wires got crossed here. Girls are crazy!!

Meanwhile, the audience is visibly sharpening their pitchforks. Tbh watching their reaction right now is adding years back to my life. My skin is getting clearer, my metabolism is speeding up, I AM ALIVE Y’ALL.

Jed continues to half-heartedly defend himself but for the most part he looks like he could not give one single sh*t about this conversation. Case in point:

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When you realized you sign up for the bachelorette instead of the voice ?#TheBachelorette #hannahbrown #tylercameron

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I mean that expression all but screams “can’t we just push this under the rug now, babe!”

Here’s my biggest issue with Jed, though: he doesn’t seem the slightest bit remorseful. In fact, the only emotion we see from him comes when he’s defending his own character. This happened to him, (not to the two of them because, as Hannah clarifies at one point, THEY ARE ENGAGED and his actions impact her), he’s an innocent bystander in all of this and his actions had no direct result here. What’s more is he doesn’t seem to think his words or actions with Haley meant anything because “in his heart he broke up with her, just not verbally.”

Listening to this conversation play out is triggering, to say the least. I’ve dated Jed’s before, men who say and do one thing, but (apparently) mean the opposite and then blame the woman for getting his signals confused. It’s disgusting and borderline sociopathic. I fully believe Jed thought he could get away with all of this. He never thought Haley would come forward because he thought he’d manipulated her enough to keep silent. He probably figured that if he did win he would stay engaged just long enough for people to start downloading his music off Spotify and then amicably break things off with Hannah when the time was right. The only reason he seems even the slightest bit remorseful is because he got caught and wants to salvage his public image. Again, it’s all about Jed. What he wants and needs.

It’s clear that after tonight Jed is going to need witness protection for his safety because every woman who has ever been wronged (so, every woman) will start popping out of bushes and ambushing him with grenades. And you know what? I’m here for this revolution.

After The Final Rose

Cut to the present, and we find out that Hannah is not engaged anymore. She says that “this isn’t what she said yes to” and that “this experience was taken from her.” I’m actually VERY proud of Hannah. You can tell she really wanted to be married and I kind of thought it didn’t matter to whom, but I’m glad she’s standing her ground.

And what fortuitous timing for Hannah to make such an announcement, because Chris Harrison brings Jed out next to test if Hannah was actually serious about that. He walks out onto the stage and the crowd is absolutely silent. I’m sure he hasn’t witnessed silence like this since his last gig.

JED: I’m sorry, I’ve said I’m sorry. I will own up to that all day now that I’ve been publically dragged and nobody is liking my YouTube videos anymore.

Yeah, that sounds sincere.

Despite the fact that Jed only seems mildly apologetic and did let out one limp “I still love you,” Hannah says that it’s over for good between them. Again, I’m super proud of Hannah. Let’s remember she’s 24 and I did not know someone who cannot even legally rent a car could have this much emotional maturity. When I was her age I was still sleeping with guys who said things like “let’s not exchange numbers, but here’s my Snapchat handle!”

HANNAH: I’ve learned a lot from this experience but mostly I’ve learned that I want a husband, I don’t need a husband. ME:

Damn. I think Hannah just won the Democratic debate this evening because I’m voting for her for 2020 after that comment. They grow up so fast!!

And there’s more fortuitous timing because Chris brings Tyler out unto the stage next! In contrast to Jed’s entrance, Tyler gets a standing ovation. You know Jed has to be watching this from backstage and mentally jumping off a bridge. I would prefer he be burned at the stake, but I’ll settle for some bridge jumping.

Guys, there is so much sexual tension happening on stage. I’m sweating. I can’t. Though, if we’re being completely honest, I don’t think Tyler will take her back. I think he’s a very nice guy and will flirt with her and not outright reject her on national television, but I don’t think this will go anywhere.

OMG. DID HANNAH JUST ASK HIM OUT FOR DRINKS. DID SHE?! So let me get this straight: she had an entire show dedicated to finding her a husband, the country was scoured for men, and in the end she’s right back to using pickup lines from Bumble?

Great. I don’t feel like I wasted 8 weeks of my life and one family vacation streaming this garbage they call a television show! Nope! Not at all!!

Images: Giphy (7); @tylercameron23 /Instagram (1);

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Just Choose Tyler, I Beg Of You

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Well, people, we’ve made it. After watching what felt like an extremely long season sponsored by Jesus and steroids, Hannah is down to her final three men: Tyler, Jed, and the pilot she’s 1,000% about to send home with some pity tears and a nice HAGS comment. How we’re at the finale and she still has yet to JUST CHOOSE TYLER MY GOD whittle it down to her final two suitors, I’m not sure, but it’s starting to feel like a real punishment, let me just tell you.

The Rose Ceremony Continued

Speaking of punishments, what did America do to deserve this dress two weeks in a row? I’m sorry, but Hannah is the freaking lead this season and she’s dressed like she’s about to lose her virginity in a Holiday Inn after her junior prom. I’m starting to feel like this is a personal attack against me from stylist to the stars ABC’s social experiments, Cary Fetman, for all the times I dragged him last season over Becca’s outfits. Well you know what, Cary? I’M CRYING UNCLE. I give. Now will you please just stop? My eyes are starting to bleed.

Me screaming at my TV drunk in my living room:

But I’m a good f*cking person!

Back at the rose ceremony, Hannah has just sent Luke back to the shower from whence he crawled out of but still needs to dump another guy whilst dressed like a 2007 Pinterest mood board. Rough.

Hannah starts things off by saying her heart is about to be broken by this decision, and I don’t love the way she keeps looking at Tyler. Her eyes look like they are full of regret, like she’s sad she’ll never get a chance to sample that dick or something, and it’s like YES YOU CAN, HANNAH. JUST KEEP HIM.

Oh thank god. Tyler is safe which means it’s sayonara to our favorite Delta pilot.

Peter: But the windmill!!

Wow Hannah is struggling with this goodbye rn. She’s like, “my Barbie played with your Barbie and that’s what love is!” I don’t know what they’re teaching in Alabama, but I’m scared. Thanks to my friend Aubrey who grew up in Alabama—and, until two years ago, didn’t realize dinosaurs were not mythical creatures lumped in with the Loch Ness monster and the tooth fairy, but rather, actually existed—I know all about the “science” they’re teaching in those public schools. But now I’m starting to think their sex ed classes involve dolls with strategic parts of their anatomy missing and a lot of prayer. Aubrey, please confirm!

After The Final Rose AKA Peter’s Mom Is A Hype Girl

After Peter gets dumped, ABC cuts to live coverage from After The Final Rose with Chris Harrison. It appears we will be flashing back and forth from the finale to ATFR because ABC is a sadist loves nothing better than to hold us hostage for as long as possible in the name of “good television.” ABC, you’re on my list.

He brings Peter out to the hot seat, and I love that Chris Harrison gets genuine joy out of rubbing salt in other people’s wounds. He’s like “I see you’re having trouble watching this. I see you crying. Do you want to kill yourself?” CHRIS. You can’t just ask these things on live television!

Meanwhile, Peter’s mom is in the audience and is acting like a national tragedy just happened. I’m sorry but, ma’am, your son has definitely f*cked his way through every Delta flight attendant. I think he’ll survive.

Once Chris gets done doing a pulse check on Peter’s emotional instability, he brings out Hannah to finish off skewering Peter’s love life. Weirdly, this reunion has the opposite effect. Is it just me or is Hannah, like, flirting with Peter? This is not the interaction I was expecting AN ENGAGED WOMAN to have with her ex-boyfriend in front of all of America and Peter’s mom. That is way too much thigh touching for an engaged woman!!

Jesus Christ. Hannah, stop saying hi to his parents! They hate your guts. They offered you their home and their Cuban prayers and you sh*t on it! Plus his mother was just sobbing so have a little tact, Hannah.

Hannah: In the Fantasy Suite I thought it was real.
Peter: I know, I really believed those orgasms were real too.

Okay, Peter’s mom is the ultimate hype girl. Every time they bring up Peter’s sexual prowess, she claps. Like, a lot. Like, more than is socially acceptable to clap for your grown son’s penis.

Peter’s mom rn: 

Chris is like “well on a lighter note, you’ll always have the windmill!” Yes, Chris, as if the poor people of Crete could ever forget how they desecrated one of their fanciest tourist attractions. But thank you for bringing it up once more!!

WHY ARE THEY WHISPERING TO EACH OTHER. They’re giggling over that “four times” comment in a way that makes me think maybe there’s been a fifth or sixth time post-filming?


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Hannah with Peter and Chris Harrison last night at the first night of the 2-night live finale event! Hannah’s confession was so hilarious, and impressive if I have to say anything ? @alabamahannah @pilot_pete @chrisbharrison

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I mean, TELL me this doesn’t look like they’ve snuck away to the Delta Sky Lounge recently? There is more tea to be spilled here…

Tyler’s Last One-On-One

I’m going to break the rest of this recap up into two parts with Tyler and Jed’s dates, respectively. I mean, if I were ABC that’s how I would have done it in the first place, but I’ve heard this is also a tactic they use to torture prisoners of war to disorient them and make them lose track of all sense of time, and I know that’s the vibe they go for with these finales.

Tyler gets to meet Hannah’s family first, and my immediate thought upon seeing them is “wow that’s a lot of crosses happening there.” The whole family is giving me Christian rock band vibes HARD, and the dad in particular looks like a youth pastor who wants to tell me all about how bitchin’ Jesus was.

Wow, okay, it looks like Hannah’s mom might be more into Tyler than Hannah is. He walks into the house and her eyes light the f*ck up. She’s breathing heavy and giggling and BLUSHING.

Hannah: I didn’t know if I liked you, Tyler, or if you were just tall.

Ah, yes. Isn’t that all our cross to bear?

After impressing her dad and bringing her mother to orgasm by merely breathing, Tyler gets one more chance  to prove to Hannah that he’s more than just an extremely good-looking man with lots of money and respect for women. What more she could want in a guy, I’m not sure. I believe my list goes something like “hot, tall, rich, and has seen every Veronica Mars episode ever made” but to each their own, I guess.

Tyler’s like “I’m a pusher, Cady Hannah. I push people.” Does he think if he says the word “push” enough she’ll get the subliminal message that he wants to bang in that field?


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Do you feel the sparks with these two?! #thebachelorette #bts #bachelorinsider #thebachelorettefinale ?

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WAIT. ARE THEY GOING TO DO IT TONIGHT?? I think it might happen! Damn, that subliminal messaging really works. Hannah shows up to Tyler’s hotel room post-date with the sole intent of solidifying their relationship screwing his brains out, it seems. Though you wouldn’t be able to tell based off that hoodie sweater thing she’s wearing. It’s giving me some serious middle school field day vibes rather than the “come hither” ones I’m sure she intended.

The camera pans out just as Hannah screams “we would have the sweetest family” and then straddles Tyler on the bed. Just when we were getting to the good stuff!

Jed’s Last One-On-One

Moving on to Jed’s date. Tyler is a tough act to follow and I’m not just saying that because the pheromones he puts into the world brought Hannah’s mom out of menopause. That said, Hannah does look amazing today. I’m digging this Grecian goddess look, but I don’t like that she’s wasted it on a man who most definitely makes fake YouTube accounts to comment glowing praise on his own music videos.

Predictably, Jed’s burgeoning music career does not go over well with her family. Hannah’s dad asks how he intends to support a family and Jed is just like “um with this?” JED. You can’t just say these things! I’m pretty sure her father wants you to have a more solid (albeit untruthful) plan for his daughter’s security other than just open mic nights and Flat Tummy Tea deals.

Hannah’s dad: And how is your music career going?
Jed: It’s really taking off, sir. I just signed a deal with a dog food company for a jingle.

I SIGNED A DEAL WITH A DOG FOOD COMPANY. Where has this gem been all season?? And how did that jingle go, Jed? Hmm? I’m imagining something like: “Haley, you know where my heart will be. But if I don’t come back, feed the dog for me.”

I love how her mom is just like, “so you’ve been failing as a songwriter for a while now, huh, honey?” Shadeeeeee, Barbara. I can’t wait to get her take on the Magic Mike act that actually pays his bills.

Hannah: Well what do you think of him?
Hannah’s mom: Well he has… qualities.

HE HAS QUALITIES!! HAHA. She can’t even force herself to say good qualities. Even serial killers have “qualities”, Barbara!

I don’t know why Hannah is acting shocked by all of this. Jed literally said his five year plan involved making it big off of kibble. I think that’s how it worked out for The Beatles too, Jed!

Jed describing his five year plan:

Moving on. They spend their last one-on-one date on a boat in Greece. For all intents and purposes this should be the perfect date, but it quickly turns into the stuff of my nightmares when Hannah starts projectile vomiting for no apparent reason.

She’s like “I think it’s the boat and maybe the uncertainty that goes along with wanting a future with a guy who thinks dog food jingles are okay to lead with on his LinkedIn.” In between blowing chunks over the side of the boat, Jed complains about how her dad just doesn’t understand his music. I feel like my friend from high school who now sells Mary Kay products on Facebook has a more lucrative career than you, but please tell me more, Jed.

Jed: I would love you no matter what, even if I met you off the show.
His girlfriend back at home:

And that concludes night one of the Bachelorette finale! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow night to see if Hannah will get her happily ever after or just a future pulling singles out of Jed’s G-string.

Images: Giphy (6); @bachelorinsider /Instagram (2)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: It’s Still All About Luke P

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Welcome back, folks, to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! I fully expect this week’s episode to include a total of 30 minutes of actual usable footage and the remaining 1.5 hours will be a metaphorical drawing and quartering of Luke P’s character. I’m giddy with anticipation. When we last left off, Hannah and the men were in Crete, Greece, where she had to decide which of the men she would need to bang in a windmill connect with on a deeper level and which of them she would just dry hump for nine hours. Tbh I’m still not well with her choices. But one choice I can get behind from last week’s episode is that Hannah finally sent Luke P back to the communal shower from whence he crawled out of—and all it took was him slut shaming her on national television and then condescendingly asking her to pray with him! I would have dumped him the first time I saw him line up with the other guys and realized he was entire heads and shoulders smaller than the rest of them, but to each her own, I guess.

The Rose Ceremony

Moving on. Back in Crete, we’re picking things up where we left off with the rose ceremony. Hannah, finally free of the 5’6″ overly coiffed Big Jesus Energy that was Luke P, shows up to deliver the roses looking like she just walked off my mood board from junior year of high school. Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, Hannah, but Deb called and they want their prom dress back, honey!



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Hannah Brown wearing Randi Rahm and The Woods Fine Jewelry on The Bachelorette #hannahbrown Shopping info is at

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Meanwhile, Luke P is back AND HE BROUGHT A RING. What?!?!? He’s like, “I’m on my way and I’m coming” and that’s a line I’ll hear in my nightmares. Honestly, any producer who can talk a grown man into humiliating himself on national TV twice within the span of 18 hours AND to do it with an engagement ring he was definitely told was a Neil Lane diamond when it’s really from the Denny’s gumball machine down the street, deserves a raise. Bravo, sir.

Chris Harrison: Hannah, do you know who you’re going to send home?
Me to my dog alone in my living room: It should be whoever suggested this outfit.

I love that Luke goes to stand in line with the other three men WHO HAVEN’T BEEN ELIMINATED ALREADY as if he will be getting a rose this evening also. It’s this mix of confidence and delusional thinking that I’ll be bringing with me into my next job performance review.

God, Luke has no shame. He keeps saying how he loves Hannah and the relationship isn’t over for him yet and it’s like, GO HOME LUKE. YOUR MOTHERBOARD IS MALFUNCTIONING. Seriously, which intern pulled him off the charger and let him walk right into that rose ceremony? Chris, was that your least favorite nephew again?

Luke continues to beg and plead for Hannah’s attention and, honestly, it’s getting hard to watch. Normally, reducing a grown man to groveling on national TV is how I get off my preferred method of winding down after a long day, but honestly, I don’t know how much more I can take of this, especially as it becomes clear that he’s not leaving.

Hannah tries to take control of the situation by physically moving the table with the roses on it so he’s not standing in front of it anymore, and he STILL crowds her space. It’s unsettling to watch and maybe even a little triggering. Why do I feel like half the men back home watching this are thinking to themselves “I would never treat a woman like this” but have also sent a text/DM/subtweet to a woman that said “whatever ur a fat bitch and i wuz never into you anyway” when rejected?

Luke: Can you seriously look me in the eyes and tell me it’s over?

I love how Jed is acting like he is the sole reason Luke was finally dismissed from the rose ceremony. You literally just stood there in your poop brown suit and raised your eyebrows from a safe distance. That’s all you did!!

“The Men Tell All” Also Known As “The Luke P Show”

In a jarring transition from rose ceremony to The Men Tell All, Chris Harrison starts things off by calling in Jesus’s favorite f*ckboy: Luke. I’m sorry, but I thought this was The Bachelorette? Why are we giving this Fox & Friends acolyte one more minute of screen time? He practically hijacked this entire season, does he really need a spotlight during The Men Tell All? We know he’s a piece of sh*t, we don’t need to devote the remaining hour and fifteen minutes of this episode to investigating this claim at length!

Luke tries to explain his extremely sexist and misogynistic remarks to Hannah during the fantasy suite, and it’s not going well for him. He’s like, “I’m not okay with her straddling or mounting or kissing other guys.” STRADDLING OR MOUNTING. These are words being said on primetime television rn!!! He sounds like he’s describing my dog’s archnemesis at the dog park who is always trying to dominate her, instead of the woman he seriously considered marrying.

Also, why did Luke even go on this show? He had to know about the fantasy suites prior to being on this season. Clearly this is not the dating forum for him, so why even go on the show? Did he need to raise money for his church’s mission trip? What was the motive here? I’m suspicious.

Chris Harrison once again tries to pull some sort of emotion out of Luke P by asking him about that half-baked proposal, and the result is a full minute’s worth of silence. You can practically hear his programming malfunctioning in the background. If you look closely enough, you can see the smoke from his wires frying.


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Can’t. Stop. Laughing. #thebachelorette

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“I’m getting choked up over here,” Luke says with absolutely no emotion as he describes in monotone his thought process behind slut shaming a woman on national television. No, you’re getting choked up because for the first time in your life people are holding you accountable for your words and actions and it’s upsetting to you.

Luke: If I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing.

IF I COULD GO BACK I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING!! Is this the part where the angry mob swarms him? Because if so I’ve been sharpening my pitch fork for the last 45 minutes and can be ready to go in 10!

It’s just crazy that he literally has no idea what a piece of sh*t he is. There is no self-awareness there at all. At one point he even mentions wanting to “save” Hannah and refers to his time on the show as a “rescue mission” as if a woman WHO IS THE GODDAMN LEAD OF THE SHOW can’t save herself. Disgusting.

Okay, who tf is Devon and did he go bullfighting before this?

Devon: Can I just be real with you for a second, Luke?
Also Devon:

The resemblance is uncanny!!

I’m sorry, but did Luke truly just say that he believes a man should guide and control the relationship? IN THE YEAR 2019 ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN. You know what? I do hope he gets invited to Paradise this year, if only so I can watch Demi roast him over a spit and serve his entrails to the her enemies. It’s the very least you can do for me, ABC.

Chris invites the other men from Hannah’s season out onto the stage to read the rest of Luke’s crimes before the public hanging commences. I can think of no better punishment for his transgressions than putting him in the public stocks for at least 30 minutes while members of the audience throw spoiled fruit at him and Luke S goes into a detailed account of his tequila brand.

Chris Harrison: Do you guys have anything to say to Luke?
Connor: Yeah, f*ck you man.

Connor! Such language! He better hope his mother isn’t watching. He might have to put a quarter in the swear jar.

Luke continues to dig his own grave with the men. It’s like they all heard it’s 2019 and realized if they want to get laid by their following they’re going to have to do a little more than just post about their new Bachelor recap podcast on IG—they might actually have to show they care for and respect women. Crazy!!

As the crowd starts to turn on Luke and the men finish fashioning their cuff links into makeshift shivs, he tries one last attempt at explaining himself. He talks about the hypocritical moment when he slut shamed Hannah for having sex, when in fact he was not a virgin either. He’s like “some people call it secondary virgin, others call it just the tip, but you know what the deal is!” Do we, Luke??

Luke continues to show zero remorse and then hops on a flight out of there to go find a new woman to emotionally abuse.

A Moment Of Appreciation For The Gift That Keeps On Giving: John Paul Jones

Chris Harrison calls JPJ up to the hot seat next and I would call bullsh*t on that “fan favorite” comment except I just saw a girl in the audience start hysterically crying at the mere mention of his name. It’s like every time he flips his hair a teenage girl has her sexual awakening.

Also, I’m starting to realize that JPJ is actually very attractive? How am I just now noticing this? I mean, does he have the face of someone whose daddy threatened to sue Sigma Alpha Epsilon for not giving him a bid freshman year? Sure, but that’s sort of my type neither here nor there.

You guys, The Men Tell All is taking a very weird turn with this girl who wants to keep a lock of JPJ’s hair to wear around her neck in a locket. I literally want to throw myself into oncoming traffic if I so much as wave to the wrong person and this girl just cut off a piece of a strange man’s hair on national television!! One of us will be bringing this up AT LENGTH with their therapist, and I have a feeling it won’t be her.

Hannah Is Really Sorry, You Guys

Last but not least, we end things with an appearance from the bachelorette herself: Alabama Hannah. She wants us all to know that she’s really, really sorry for keeping a man who most certainly lies about his height on his Christian Mingle bio around for so long. Ah, so we’re making this about Luke again. Got it.

Here’s the thing: I’m glad Hannah can look back on her relationship with Luke and realize that she learned something from all of this. I’m glad that his toxic behavior and misogynistic words are being called out and publicly shamed. Really, I am so glad. BUT, like, I don’t want to hear his name for one more goddamn second. The worst thing we can do to this guy is completely forget about him, to not acknowledge his presence at all. AND YET, we’ve spent the last 2.75 hours discussing him at length. I’m over it.

Tbh I feel like this entire Tell All can be explained in a single gif:

Hannah: I’m truly sorry for dating that douchebag. World peace and roll tide!

Minus that part about “roll tide” that was the exact apology I had to give my sorority when my date at junior year formal got caught doing coke in the bathroom by the hotel manager. It happens to the best of us, girlfriend!

And on that note, that’s it from me this week! See you betches next Monday AND Tuesday where the only thing thrilling about this two-part conclusion will be my rising blood pressure levels. TTYL!

Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy (6); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @starstylecom /Instagram (1)

The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Everyone Gets Raw

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Welcome to my Bachelorette recap, folks! I’m filling in for It’s Britney, Betch this week, which is equal parts thrilling and terrifying because it’s Fantasy Suites, and I grew up in a strict Irish/Italian Catholic household where no one ever discussed sex, except for that one time I was forced to watch a Katie Couric special, so this should be uncomfortable at best!! But never fear, I’ve still got Britney on our old Bachelor group chat, so hopefully she’ll be able to coax the raunchiness out of me. Now that this episode is finally here, I hope you guys are as excited as I am to see the desecration of a windmill on national TV, to hear Hannah breathlessly whisper “roll tide” from behind a closed door, and to finally find out if this episode is actually just two hours of the slut-shaming clip played on a loop. Shall we begin?

We start the episode on the beautiful island of Crete, where Hannah informs us that “Fantasy Suite week is not about sex, it’s about having time together in a real, raw, way.” I’m sorry Hannah, but that just sounded to me like you plan on having unprotected sex. Katie Couric would NOT approve. 

Hannah is so excited about this week that she’s singing, and if that’s her pageant talent, I can see why she was always a bridesmaid and never a bride. She would have been better off playing the water glasses. 

Peter’s Date

Peter shows up and he is wearing jeans to this date. On an island. Huh. You would think a pilot would be a better packer than that. Peter says he has never been this “exposed” to someone or this “totally raw” with someone, and once again I beg you guys to use condoms! He also says he wants to make her his screensaver on his phone and never change it, and I think he stole that from a far superior Peter, Peter Kavinsky. You sir are NO Peter Kavinsky.  And maybe don’t get your moves from a teen movie, hmm?

^^can’t beat this Peter

Hannah and Peter dry hump on the boat, but she’s still a little skeptical of his feelings for her. She wants to know if it will be “smooth sailing or rocky waters” with Peter, which definitely means she thinks he could be bad in bed. 

We’ve made it to the night portion of the evening, and Hannah is wearing a bathrobe that she got specially made for her by Elle Woods’ tailor. 

They sit down, and Peter toasts to love and fate for bringing them together, and if by fate he means “the producers who convinced me to dump my current girlfriend to get on this reality show,” then sure, it was fate. Peter continues to tell Hannah he loves his family, he loves flying, he loves lamp. JUST SPIT IT OUT PETER. He eventually tells her that she has flaws but he’s in love with her. So sweet! TBH if he’s this nervous about saying I love you, I shudder to think what he’ll be like when Hannah asks him to find her g-spot. 

They finally get the sad, handwritten note inviting them to go to the fantasy suite. They accept AND THEY HEAD TO THEIR ROOM IN A WINDMILL. I didn’t expect to make it to the infamous windmill so quickly! Also, for some reason I was picturing one of those replica windmills you find on a mini golf course down the shore. This makes a lot more sense. Oh boy, is that a trunk full of condoms? It’s like Chris Harrison heard how many times they said the word raw, and was like “Not on my watch!”

The next morning, Hannah calls Peter her Zeus, and she is Aphrodite, as if the two of them just didn’t have a wild night of missionary with the lights off

Peter is pleased with his performance and I love how he thinks lasting three minutes instead of his usual two means he’s won Hannah over. 

But was it, sweetie?

Tyler’s Date

Tyler arrives for his day date and looks even more beautiful in Greece than I remember. Hannah says that Tyler is the guy that everyone wants to be with, and on behalf of the women of America, or at least the three women in my group chat, I can confirm that with a resounding yes.

Their daytime activity is a couples massage, and I’m incredibly jealous because I’ve been told recently that I have a very tight back. It’s definitely not from the stress of writing sex jokes, don’t you guys worry! My stress isn’t manifesting in physical pain at all! 

Okay, what is Tyler doing? He takes things into his own hands by kicking the masseuses out, and climbing on top of Hannah. Tyler, this is not how massages work! Wait for your turn in the windmill! 

Hannah tells us she’s concerned that she only has a physical relationship with Tyler, and would like to explore the rest of their relationship later. I don’t like where this is headed. 

As Tyler continues to sensually massage Hannah’s thighs in a way that makes me want to cover my dog’s eyes, she worries that maybe she is only into Tyler because he’s rich, tall, and attractive, to which I say WHAT’S YOUR POINT, HANNAH? 

I’m suspicious of her hesitance but will also gladly volunteer as tribute to stand in for her during tonight’s fantasy suite. Anyone have a time travel machine I can pop into for a minute? 

They meet up for the night, and Tyler is wearing the lucky salmon jacket, and a pair of capri pants!! Men of the world, are these pants fashionable? I can’t answer that question because the longest relationship I’ve had lately was with the Uber driver who dropped off my lost phone and then decided to linger a little too long after he shamed me for it. So please, help a girl out. 

Is it just me, or is Tyler impossible to understand? It’s like the teachers in Jupiter were too busy building meth labs in their basement to teach kids how to enunciate. That one’s for all you Florida defenders in the comments *wink*.

At dinner, Hannah straight up tells Tyler that she is concerned because she is so addicted to his body (same), but she really just wants to know his favorite color. She tells him she doesn’t want to go into the fantasy suite to have sex, but because they need the emotional time together. 

Tyler rn:

Tyler tells her he would still want to spend the night under the stars with her just doing whatever she wants to do. 100 bucks says they are still totally going to bang. Any takers?

We’ve made it to the morning, and Hannah is continuing to assure us that they didn’t have sex, but that they’re more emotionally connected than ever. 

Hannah: We’re closer than ever.

Jed’s Date 

Now here comes Jed, butthurt he was neck-and-neck with the douche king last week. Poor, sad, conventionally attractive man didn’t get what he wanted last week and is throwing a fit? This really is the most shocking season, ever. *insert eyeroll*

Once again she is “experiencing the culture” of a foreign country with Jed. Is that because he did such a good job last time? I hope these lovely Greek people have their maps handy so they can locate Jed’s home country of “English.”

Anddd Hannah’s getting drunk again. I feel like I would also be a constantly tipsy bachelorette. Makes the sex offenders/cheaters/zealots men seem more tolerable! Pro tip: that’s also how I get through work every day. 

I like that Hannah describes fantasy suite week to the locals as “we get to spend more time together,” as if her last date didn’t end with a man accidentally ejaculating into his skinny jeans.

Okay, the way Jed is explaining The Bachelorette to the locals gives me the impression that he is such a mansplainer. I feel like he would stop in the middle of a Chippendales dance to correct a client, “Excuse me, I heard you call my underwear a cheap thong earlier, but actually it’s an ancient garb that was worn by kings and has special meaning to all of us here, in case you wanted to know.” She didn’t want to know, Jed.

Jed pulls Hannah aside during their day date, and relays his concerns about her relationship with Luke. He asks her to be honest about what she sees in Luke. 

Hannah:Yeah Jed, I’m regretting you asking too. 

Hannah and Jed meet up later that night and she’s giving his earlier sh*t fit the benefit of the doubt. She says that she knows it comes from a place of caring for her heart, and not him being a big f*cking baby. I beg to differ. 

Jed continues to belabor the point and basically tells Hannah he hates her for keeping Luke around. He says he is worried that she has a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for her in her life. He also says he is sure about her and doesn’t want to be not sure about her but this is making him question everything. Exsqueeze me?! He is completely manipulating Hannah to get her to pick him. Are you f*cking kidding me, Jed?! This is completely toxic behavior. I SEE YOU, JED. 

Hannah is so flustered that she runs off, and Jed chases her as visions of his Spotify streams slowing down dance in his head. They sit back down and he says that he felt he had to tell her the raw truth about Luke. There’s that word again. Honey, after that conversation I don’t think you’re getting anything raw. 

After his toxic, manipulative bullsh*t, Jed backtracks just enough so that he’s sure he can still get it in tonight, and then do his best Dr. Evil laugh after Hannah falls asleep. Hannah is charmed by him again, and now she is offering the fantasy suite!! HANNAH. Girl. I have been behind you for most of this journey, but this is not your best decision. Like, I even think your red cutout dress was a better decision than this, and I told everyone that would listen that you bought that at Wet Seal. 

I truly can’t believe that she slept with Jed and only “kissed” and “held” Tyler. I hope this is one of those regrets people mention on their deathbed. 

I award Jed one point for being the only man to wear full pants this episode, but that’s it. And I award it begrudgingly. 

Luke’s Date

And we’ve finally made it to Mr. Slut Shamer himself, the only man to ever meet Jesus in the shower, Luke P! And she takes him to Santorini?! He does not deserve the pure beauty of this island. Oh good they’re going in a helicopter, maybe it will crash. 

It didn’t crash. Which is unfortunate, because I would be embarrassed to take that manscaped, juiced up jock to Santorini. Especially when he starts dancing. 

I have no other notes on their day date guys, my apologies for just wanting to finally get to the slut-shaming scene before I die of old age.

They sit down and Luke says, “Oh this is darling.” RED FLAG. I know she was willing to ignore the other red flags but this one had to smack her right in the face, no

And then we get down to business! Such a great idea to start a conversation this way:

And we’re in it! Luke tells Hannah that he believes sex should be between a man and his wife, and that even though he has been sexually active in the past, he has been abstaining from sex for the last 2.5 to 4 years. That’s quite the range, Luke. Have you been waffling on whether Jesus thinks “just the tip” counts or not?

He tells Hannah that if she had sex with the other guys that are still left, he would want to go home. And that is when she’s finally had enough. 

Hannah calls him out for telling her what to do, and judging her when he’s not currently her husband. He says having sex out of marriage is a sin. She CALLS HIM OUT for also committing sins.


He says he is willing to work through any “slip ups,” but at this point Hannah is having NONE of this. She tells him she ignored all the awful things about him, and he can’t even trust her to make her own decisions?! She says all this while production hell rains down on her from above. 

She calls him out for telling her what to do. And she says that she finally has clarity and she does not want him to be her husband. You go Hannah! I’ll bring the gasoline, let’s set him on fire! Send him back to that shower, Hannah! Jesus needs to teach him another lesson! And drown him! Wait, am I getting too fired up here?

Luke basically refuses to get up, dumbfounded that a woman he called a common street whore wouldn’t want him to stay. Hannah tells us that she has God in her heart and she is light. And that she’s had sex and Jesus still loves her. In the immortal words of every text message from my Aunt Angela, you go girl! 

Luke finally gets to the car and says, “Can I pray over you before I leave?” No, Luke, you can go f*ck yourself before you leave, and break that 2.5-4-year streak, thanks. 

Well, that was a wild ride. Peter comes out of this episode looking like the winner, but now that we know he is also a two-timing sack of human waste, and it appears that Luke crashes the rose ceremony, I think the only thing we can truly root for next week is that they all die in a fiery blaze. A girl can dream! 

Images: ABC; Giphy (7)

Another ‘Bachelorette’ Finalist Lied About His Past Relationship

Welcome back to another entry in the All Men Are Trash Encyclopedia. Who’s our featured piece of trash today? I’m sad to report that we’ve gotten some unfortunate information about Pilot Peter from this season of The Bachelorette. We all love him, but according to his ex-girlfriend, he’s a lying sack of sh*t just like literally every other man in the world. Andddd another one bites the dust. Let’s go through the accusations, and talk about how literally half of Hannah’s remaining men (not even counting Luke P) are total garbage.

Peter’s ex is a woman named Calee Lutes, who lives in Atlanta. In an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonightshe said that she and Peter met in June 2018, when he was in Atlanta for a month of training after getting hired with Delta. (I have a friend who is a flight attendant at Delta and can confirm, this checks out.) They met on a dating app, and decided to continue their relationship long distance after his time in Atlanta was finished. Despite the distance, Calee told ET that she and Peter were “crazy about each other,” and that they saw each other every few weeks. They even went to Switzerland together in November.

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A post shared by Calee Lutes (@caleelutes) on

ET also has photos of them together, in addition to screenshots of texts and DMs, so you should definitely look at those. According to Calee, their relationship progressed quickly, and they frequently talked about her potentially moving to LA to be with him. Then, two days before Christmas, Peter broke up with Calee over FaceTime, even though she had just bought a ticket to LA for New Years. Ugh, hopefully she flew Southwest so she could get that sweet sweet credit. She says he didn’t give any reason for the breakup other than that they shouldn’t let their relationship get any more serious.

Right after breaking up with her, Calee says that Peter deleted every trace of her from his Instagram, even erasing his comments and likes on her photos. At the time, Calee noticed that a Bachelorette producer had recently followed him, but she had no idea he was actually going on the show until the cast was announced in March.

Obviously, Calee was surprised and upset to find out that her boyfriend had applied and interviewed to be on a dating show while still in a serious relationship with her, but the initial shock just got worse after the show started airing. As you’ll probably recall, Peter opened up to Hannah in Latvia about how difficult his recent breakup was for him. To hear Peter tell it, he had his heart completely broken, and is still struggling to pick up the pieces.

Calee says she’s sure she is the ex he’s talking about, and that she feels betrayed about the way he’s portrayed their breakup on the show. If all of this is true, then Peter obviously sounds like a nightmare. It’s bad enough that he chose the show over his relationship, but the fact that he basically ghosted his girlfriend and is now making her sound like the bad guy on national television is completely f*cked up.

Overall, Jed’s deception of both Hannah AND his girlfriend before going on the show is probably worse, but Peter’s situation ain’t good either. I won’t spoil the ending of the show here (click here if you want to know who wins), but at this point, none of Hannah’s choices are looking promising. I mean… at least Luke P is upfront about how terrible he is? No, you’re right, that’s crazy talk.

Hannah, get out while you still can. I want the best for you, and I don’t think any of these lying clowns can provide that for you. Tyler C, you better not f*cking let us down.

Images: ABC; caleelutes / Instagram; Giphy