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Hometown dates are finally here, and I for one could not be more pleased. This is always one of my favorite episodes of every season, because we really get to know the men on a more intimate level by meeting the psychopaths who raised them. This week, Hannah will be traveling to Peter, Tyler, Luke, and Jed’s hometowns, where she’ll get to see where each of them gets their deep-seated emotional issues from, or if it’s just steroids. Fun! So, let’s dive right in, shall we?
Peter The Pilot’s Hometown Date
First up, we have Peter in California. Tbh I don’t think this date placement bodes well for him. I feel as if the person who goes first is usually not high on the lead’s list of priorities. Plus, he’s the only one to come from a state where you can’t buy a gun at the same place you can buy toilet paper, so that’s definitely some points against him.
LOL. ABC, you can’t HONESTLY possibly expect us to believe that that’s Peter’s real car and not something production pulled out of their asses to give him some more sex appeal. There’s no way in hell a commercial airline pilot makes that much money. Please.
Peter starts off his date by giving Hannah an airplane tour around Southern California, and this is 100% not the first girl he has given a romantic airplane ride around the city. This is a move right out of his pilot handbook, as it should be. I mean, if the condom Hannah found in his glove compartment on the way over there wasn’t indication enough, then the MAKING OUT IN THE SKIES WHILE OPERATING A FLYING MACHINE sure shows us that he has this routine down pat. Kudos to you, Pete!
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) July 9, 2019
Moving on. Peter brings Hannah to meet his parents and his mom is LIVING for her 15 minutes of fame.
PETER’S MOM: Do you love her?
PETER: Well normally my relationships last about as long as the walk from the Delta lounge to the terminal, so I guess so?
At least he’s honest!
Meanwhile, Hannah sits down with Peter’s brother who tells her that Peter is a “hopeless romantic.” Lol, sure, Peter’s brother. If by “hopeless romantic” you mean “has definitely banged a girl in every country,” then yes, I’m sure Peter that’s exactly what Peter is!
Also, is it just me, or does Peter’s dad basically look like Captain Lee from Below Deck?
I. Can’t. Unsee. It.
Peter starts talking about how deep he’s falling for Hannah, but offscreen admits that he can’t say “I love you” just yet because he’s scared. Meanwhile, Hannah looks like she’d rather endure three hours of Barbara talking about her jewelry making hobby than five minutes of Peter talking about his feelings for her. Uh oh, Petey. It’s not looking good for you, buddy!
Tyler’s Hometown Date:
Hannah heads to Florida next for Tyler’s hometown date, and honestly I’m shocked by what I’m viewing on my screen rn. I was expecting to see, like, cars on fire or people walking around without pants on or at least one white guy rapping. Those scenarios track with my understanding of Florida, not this f*cking paradise. Dare I say Florida…looks…nice? *waits to spontaneously combust*
Okay, Tyler was not f*cking around when he planned this date. Mimosas, boating, and bikinis? HE IS SPEAKING MY LOVE LANGUAGE. If Hannah doesn’t choose him in the end then I’m sorry but she can’t be helped.
On stop one of Tyler’s boat tour, he shows Hannah the house he grew up in before he lost his fortune and only became medium rich, like Kardashians in 2007 rich. He’s like “Yeah, now we can only drive by the house in this boat my family owns. It’s sad.” SO SAD. Shall I get out the world’s smallest violin for you, Ty?
Post-boat ride, Tyler and Hannah head to off to meet his parents in the hovel starter mansion they were forced to downsize into. Have any of us known pain like this? (Because I sure would like to).
This is our first glimpse of Tyler’s home life and already I like what I’m seeing. And by “what I’m seeing” I mean his brothers because MY GOD this family is beautiful. Do we think they might also be single and desperate? Because HI.
Oh, I forgot Tyler’s dad was sick. Now his poor father has to battle for his life and be on this godforsaken show? Was the disease not punishment enough?? Also, he keeps calling Hannah “Miss Hannah” and it’s so cute I can’t.
Tyler’s dad pulls Hannah aside for a heart-to-heart and this sweet angel of a man is giving me such Buddy Garrity vibes it’s insane. Hannah’s like “Do you think Tyler is ready for an engagement,” and his dad replies with “Well he’s 26 so…” As if legally being forced off his parent’s insurance plan means he’s now ready for marriage. WHAT’S YOUR POINT TYLER’S DAD? You can be older than 26 and live a super fulfilling life all alone with nothing but your dog and 12 seasons of Criminal Minds to keep you company! At least that’s what I whisper to myself in my darkened living room every time Netflix asks “Are you still watching?”
Tyler must have thought the date went pretty well, because when he walks Hannah out to the car he slides into the backseat with her and immediately starts rubbing one out on her thigh. Or she could be rubbing one out on him. I really can’t distinguish whose legs are whose because both of them are wearing matching skin tight white jeans.
Luke’s Hometown Date:
Luke’s hometown date is up next, and it’s the one we’ve all been waiting for. Why we’re in Georgia and not in the basement of ABC studios where the producers grew him in a pod with protein shakes and clean eating for six weeks before casting him on the show this season, I don’t know. But I’m willing to play along if you are, Mike Fleiss. Carry on.
Luke tells Hannah he wants to take her to the one place he visits every week: the shower Sunday School! So, let me get this straight. Peter takes Hannah on a plane, Tyler takes Hannah on a boat, and Luke *checks notes* takes Hannah to pray in a stranger’s basement? HANNAH HOW ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STILL TORN ABOUT WHICH GUY TO CUT.
Also, Hannah is looking like she wishes she’d worn anything other than that lace silk cami today. I wonder if she’ll burst into flames the second she enters the church like the philanderer she is.
LUKE: I was chasing sex. I was entangled in sin.
ENTANGLED IN SIN!! Okay, Luke is acting like he spent his freshman year of college at a bunny farm in New Mexico drowning in booze, pills, and the female flesh. Like, did he steal this speech from Lamar Odom’s memoir?
Side note: I’m starting to think Luke channeled all that sexual energy into his eyebrow maintenance because DAMN those are some manicured brows. How have I never noticed those bad boys before??
Okay, how much do we think Luke paid these guys to say those nice things about him? Especially that one comment about him being “giant”? Nice try, Lukie, but this isn’t making me think you’re a good guy so much as you might be involved in a cult.
Hannah meets his family next, and before grandma can even scoot over on the couch to make room for her, Hannah starts reading through her and Luke’s couples therapy transcript RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. Like, why is she talking about the house drama in front of his entire family? She’s like “it started out great with your son, but then he turned into a total piece of sh*t. Lol! When’s dinner??”
Watching Luke’s family unequivocally defend him is making me understand why Luke thinks he’s infallible. They’re saying that the show made him act the way he has for the past eight weeks and while, yes, that might be a little true, it can’t explain away all of his toxic behavior. After Hannah tells his family about his aggression and blatant disregard for her wants they laugh it off in a “boys will be boys” kind of way, and it’s sickening.
LUKE’S DAD: Luke’s a great guy!
LUKE’S BROTHER: Luke’s a great guy!
RANDOM CHURCH GUY: Luke’s a great guy!
JESUS FROM THE SHOWER: Luke’s a great guy!
HANNAH: You’re right, I think I’m in love with him.
Go home, Hannah, you’re brainwashed!
Jed’s Hometown Date:
Last but not least, Hannah heads to Nashville for Jed’s hometown date, where I’m sure they’ll spend the majority of their date actively avoiding all the places he took his other girlfriend in Nashville. So what does that leave? The back alley behind the Starbucks? That said, I do feel like these two have the best chemistry out of everyone this season. Then again, Jed was a Chippendales dancer so he has been known to manufacture chemistry with a pole.
Speaking of manufactured bullsh*t, I can’t listen to one more Jed Wyatt original. You guys, I just can’t. He’s like “and lookie what we have here? We just happen to be by my recording studio!!” Yes, what fortuitous timing, indeed. And look! They’re going to write a song together. How spontaneous and crazy and I’m sure this won’t at all be available on iTunes tomorrow, but you can use code “JED WYATT” at checkout just in case.
After Jed’s done with his weird Johnny Cash foreplay, he takes Hannah to meet his family and—more importantly—the family dog. Okay, Jed’s family seems very confused about why Hannah is meeting them. It’s like they knew they were being filmed that day, but they just thought it was for his audition for The Voice and not The Bachelorette.
The face you make when you were expecting to meet Blake Shelton at the end of the day not a former 4th place beauty queen.
JED’S DAD: It’s hard for me to wrap my head around all of this because he told me it was just for publicity
YOU AND ME BOTH MR. WYATT. Also, does anyone get the sense that in Mr. Wyatt’s wildest dreams he’s Billy Ray Cyrus? Just me?
Meanwhile, the conversation isn’t going any better between Hannah and Jed’s mom. Hannah asks her if she thinks Jed is ready for engagement and she all but says her son ain’t sh*t.
HANNAH: Your son seems really great.
JED’S MOM: He is great.
HANNAH: Will he treat me right?
JED’S MOM: Lol not a chance.
Well if that’s not a ringing endorsement for legally binding yourself to someone until the end of time then I don’t know what is!
The Rose Ceremony:
Moving on to the rose ceremony. Hannah laments having to choose between three guys she’s into who are ready for marriage, and one guy she’s into who is ready for a record deal. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.
HANNAH: How to you compare apples to oranges to kiwis to tomatoes?
CHRIS HARRISON: Yeah, I don’t care.
Oh, Chris. We’ve missed you buddy!
Hannah starts handing out roses and I’m SHOCKED that it’s down to Jed and Luke. We know from the promos ABC keeps shoving down our throats that Luke makes it to the fantasy suites thanks to that clip of him telling Hannah it’s only okay when *men* sleep with multiple people at once, and I honestly didn’t think Jed would be going home after he said the L word. Parental sabotage or no. Rather than make a decision, Hannah does what I do when I’m under a modicum of stress: flee the scene.
I love that it took Chris Harrison a solid 15 minutes before walking over there to comfort her. I know it’s confusing because after the fence jumping incident of 2019 you bartered your way to less screen time for more pay, but it’s actually your job to comfort the lead, Chris!
Hannah keeps saying that she hasn’t had time to “dive in” with these relationships, but she really wants to “dive in” with each of the men and she’s definitely talking about banging them, right? Like, “dive” has to be a euphemism for their penises, yes?
Hannah returns to the rose ceremony and declares that she absolutely cannot make a decision and then metaphorically stamps her foot in protest. Luke looks completely unfazed by this change of events while Jed looks weirdly upset for someone who was only planning to make it to the top five to begin with.
LMAO CHRIS. He’s like “here are the roses you asked for, you ungrateful bitch” and hands Hannah a second rose. So she’s just allowed to keep all four of them now? Do the rules just not apply anymore? ARE WE JUST GOING TO LIVE IN ANARCHY LIKE THIS?!
Sighs. I guess we will—at least until next week when Hannah finally gets to see
their penises more from them and can make a decision. Until next week!
Images: Giphy (3); ABC (3); @shesallbach /Instagram (1); @viallnicholas28 /Twitter (1)
If you couldn’t guess from the headline of this article, today we’re going to be discussing spoilers for this season of The Bachelorette! So uh, if you’re one of the 10 people who doesn’t know about the ending of this season yet, feel free to stop reading now.
*moment of silence so hopefully I don’t get yelled at in the comments for spoilers*
Okay, we back. So at this point, it’s not really even a spoiler to say that Jed had a girlfriend when he went on The Bachelorette. I feel like I practically know the woman at this point, and there’s no doubt that Jed is a lying piece of sh*t who only wants to promote his equally sh*tty music. The thing that is still a spoiler is that Jed ends up winning this season, outlasting douchelord Luke and man of my dreams, Tyler.
Diving further into the spoilers, last week Reality Steve broke the news that Hannah ended her engagement with Jed after finding out about the girlfriend stuff, and now their relationship is apparently 100% over. I’m happy for her, and I’m also happy that the breakup was reportedly filmed and will be shown on After The Final Rose. Thank God for Mike Fleiss being a messy bitch who lives for drama.
While all of this drama with Jed is interesting, it’s not truly surprising, because literally all men are trash. What actually surprises me is how widely this season’s spoilers have spread. Last night, I was casually scrolling down Twitter when I happened upon this tweet from Cosmo:Okay Cosmo, feeling reckless?? If you’ll notice, up at the top of this article, I put a nice little warning that I was going to talk about spoilers for the rest of The Bachelorette. It took me 10 seconds to write! I’ve never cared that much about spoilers, but there are some people who would be seriously disappointed to see this from a mainstream account like Cosmo.
This specific tweet might have been a faux pas, but it’s representative of a larger trend that’s happening with The Bachelorette this year. While spoilers for this show have always been pretty easily accessible, usually you have to go looking for them at least a little bit. Everyone knows that you shouldn’t follow Reality Steve if you don’t want spoilers, but usually major entertainment accounts aren’t just spoiling the show right on their feed. At least, not without warning people first.
Is this just a natural progression of everyone living their lives on social media? Or has the ongoing saga of Hannah B and Jed unlocked something specific in Bachelor nation? I have a feeling that it’s a bit of both. Obviously, it can be tough to avoid spoilers for any show on social media. I didn’t even watch Game of Thrones, but I still knew exactly what happened in each episode from spending two minutes on Twitter.
But also, people have really been loving Hannah as the Bachelorette this season, and to hear that Jed so thoroughly f*cked her over is just…ugh. Usually I don’t really care about these people, but I think everyone really just wants the best for Hannah B. I’m glad that she’s kicked Jed to the curb, because she definitely deserves better.
Even if we already pretty much know exactly what’s going to happen, I’m fascinated to watch the end of this season play out, especially with the drama that’s going to happen on After The Final Rose. It’s going to be a wild ride, and obviously we’ll keep you updated with any new spoilers. That is, if you don’t see them on Twitter first.
Images: ABC, cosmopolitan / Twitter
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Hello, Bachelor fam, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! Yes it’s the week of July 4th and, yes, ABC had the audacity to air a new episode right in the middle of my family’s vacation. It’s fine, I’m only having to stream the episode on my phone from a diner down the street because it had better WiFi. IT’S FINE.
Now, when last we left off, Luke, like a cockroach after the rapture, had somehow managed to survive yet another rose ceremony even though he’s apparently very short?? Someone pointed this out in the comments a few weeks back, and now I can’t unsee it. It presents a major flaw in my argument that the only reason Hannah likes him is because he’s tall. In fact, upon further inspection, it appears not only is he short but he’s entire heads shorter than the rest of the men:
Entire ! Heads ! Shorter !!!!
This realization is warping my sense of reality as I know it.
Which brings us to this week: Hannah and the men are set to leave Latvia and this feels like a win for them. It’s been almost three weeks of Latvia and I didn’t think we’d ever make it out of that godforsaken country. Good job, kids! We’re told that they’ll spend the final week before Hometowns in the Netherlands. I can only assume they chose this locale for the Instagrams and I support the shamelessness.
Jed’s One-On-One Date:
The first one-on-one date of the week goes to Jed and his burgeoning music career, which I’m sure he’ll bring up the first chance he can get. I hope trading your soul to Mike Fleiss for a few measly iTunes downloads was worth it, Jed!
TYLER: He didn’t bring his guitar did he?
HE DIDN’T BRING HIS GUITAR DID HE. I’m truly living for this new, petty side of Tyler. If I didn’t love him before, I certainly do now that he’s delivering more shade than my mother complimenting any one of my IG posts.
It’s unclear what the purpose of their date is other than to catch footage of them looking like assholes in the Netherlands. Seriously, what is the point of this date? There’s lots of skipping and far too many Annabelle-esque toys watching them from street corners for my liking.
The two come across a real live Dutch couple who seem both intrigued, and yet very alarmed by the reality TV show invading their homeland.
OLD WOMAN: Where are you from?
Jesus f*cking Christ. First of all, Jed, butchering the English language like that clearly makes you American! Second of all, do we think once this season is all said and done Jed will show up after filming rocking a British accent and acting like he’s the long-lost fifth member of The Beatles? Who wants to start taking bets now?
I love that this old woman is questioning Jed’s intentions. It’s nice to know at least one person in Hannah’s life isn’t falling for his singer/songwriter bullsh*t. She’s like “you love her, yes?” and Jed looks like he’s about to mention how he might be on tour soon and won’t have a lot of time for a relationship.
Jed tells Hannah he wishes she would “open up more” and I’m almost certain he’s talking about her legs. Jed, you little rascal! Also, I think it’s rich that he wants Hannah to be more vulnerable with him WHEN HE HAS ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND BACK HOME. Like, maybe you should open up about the fact that you’re a lying, cheating, McCheaterson mmkay?
His f*ckboy manipulation tactics are clearly paying off though because Hannah is still questioning herself during the cocktail portion of the date even though she’s the goddamn Bachelorette. In her interview aside Hannah is like “I know I need to own my feelings and that’s why I dressed like I’m about to win a debate in the primaries.” I paraphrase.
HANNAH: I knew I was falling for you when we were in that little market and you clicked your heels like that.
Ah, yes. How could you NOT fall in love with a stripper’s dance moves, amiright Hans?
Tyler’s One-On-One Date:
I’ll admit I didn’t watch most of the beginning of this date, because as far as I’m concerned Tyler is making it all the way to the end, and if he doesn’t then I’ll just be here waiting in
the wings his Instagram DMs. Either way, I’m not worried about him, and can’t fathom a man who says things like “I’ll take you at your highs and I’ll take you at your lows” not making it to Hometowns.
There’s just no way!
From what I gather, the two of them are also on a pointless date where they just wander around aimlessly in a foreign country. Look, if I wanted to watch Americans dry heave after eating foreign delicacies I would tune into CNN’s coverage of the President’s trip to North Korea.
Okay, they are talking with their faces very close together. Like, far too close together for two people who just ate slimy fish. Okay, what does Hannah want Tyler to say exactly? She’s like “I want you to explain in excruciating detail the ways in which you pine for me” but, like, he already said he’s into you, Hannah! What more do you want from him??
Despite all of this, Tyler gets the rose and will also be joining Jed next week in Hometowns. I just hope Hannah gets all her vaccines before heading to Florida!!!
Connor Gets The Boot
Meanwhile, the men find out that Mike is getting the third and final one-on-one date of the week, and Connor looks like someone just stole his favorite eraser. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, Connor has the energy of a 12-year-old boy with a crush on his babysitter. Nothing about him says “husband material,” and everything about him says “I spend all my free time doodling Mr. Hannah Brown into my diary.”
He knocks on Hannah’s door in what I guess is an attempt to carve out some one-on-one time with her, but it feels a little too late for that. Oh god, his voice is warbling like he might cry at any second and I can’t watch this moving trainwreck. I CAN’T. *turns up volume*
CONNOR: I don’t always stick out in a crowd but I want to stick out with you.
EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA RN:
He keeps referencing their one-on-one date as the pivotal moment in their relationship and it’s like, kid, she literally tried to call out sick for it! Your sad handwritten Post-It notes meant nothing to her!
Hannah finally bites the bullet and sends Connor home—she doesn’t even wait for the group date. Savage. I do love that he was politely salty on his way out, (or as salty as a grown man wearing Sperrys and capri pants could possibly be). She’s like “I needed more time with you” and he’s like “yeah no shit…that’s why I showed up at your door to roast you about not giving me a one-on-one.”
Oh, Connor. Maybe you can share your favorite eraser with someone in Paradise. Keep your chin up, little buddy!
Mike’s One-On-One Date:
Of course the Bachelorette producers would send Hannah and Mike to The Hague, where they can dry hump in the very spot where global peace was once brokered. HAVE THEY NO SHAME? And since their shamelessness knows no bounds, they send Mike and Hannah to visit a Dutch artist for their date. They are instructed to paint each other and DEAR GOD if I have to witness another Carly/Evan body painting nightmare I will f*cking scream.
Okay, Mike is taking this painting activity way too seriously. He’s critiquing Hannah’s drawing of him as if his own work does not resemble the monster from Bird Box. Why do I have a feeling that Mike is the type of guy who considers it a good time to frequently visit Wine and Design and then critique the instructor?
MIKE: I love art
Mike tells Hannah that he sees her as his future wife and she visibly cringes. This doesn’t bode well for the rest of their date. Tbh I don’t see their connection at all. I mean, Mike is pulling out all the stops with her and she just doesn’t seem into it.
Cut to the evening portion of the date, where Hannah is patrolling the halls of the art museum and trying not to snot all over the priceless art pieces she’s sobbing so hard. Hannah’s gazing up at The Girl With The Pearl Earring as if the art is moving her and those aren’t tears of panic brought on by the thought of spending the rest of her life with a guy who calls her “queen” every other time he sees her.
Hannah shows up to the cocktail portion still sniveling, and it’s not looking good for Mike. Then again, Hannah is always crying at cocktail parties so maybe he thinks she’s just drunk again. It would be a fair assumption. Though she’s dressed like she’s headed to an enemy’s funeral, so that should really be a dead giveaway as to where this evening is going.
HANNAH: It’s over, Mike.
MIKE: I don’t know what to say except…thank you.
THANK YOU?! Did Mike seriously just thank Hannah for this experience? Wowwww. The devil works hard, but Mike is working harder for his spot as Bachelor 2020. Good luck with the campaigning, buddy!
The Group Date:
With Mike and Connor both eliminated, that leaves two roses up for grabs on the group date with Peter The Pilot, Garrett, and Luke. Once again, there appears to be no theme or planned activity for the date, just a discarded cheese plate and stilted conversations. It’s almost as if verbally sparring with Luke is the planned activity and whoever makes it out alive gets to go to Hometowns. May the odds be ever in your favor, boys!
Speaking of which, Luke starts things off by tattling on Garrett to Hannah and it’s like HOW can she possibly still want to sleep with him after this? To phrase it in Hannah’s own words: it is BEFUMBLING to me how he can continue to advance week after week. I feel like their conversations are similar to ones I’ve had moderating a fight between my two friends in seventh grade when they couldn’t agree on if they were Team Lindsay Lohan or Team Hilary Duff during the Aaron Carter debacle.
And you know what? Garrett isn’t really any better. I originally thought he’d go pretty far since he’s 1) hot and 2) also from Alabama, but I find him to be equally as psychotic. He’s getting way too much joy out of this drama with Luke when he should be focusing on Hannah.
Okay, this entire fight has to be scripted. These are not real words humans from earth say to each other. Case in point: no one says bologna that much.
Meanwhile, Peter is out here using all of the pilot lines in his arsenal. And you know what? It’s WORKING FOR ME. Even though Peter has definitely slept with 500 women and probably has his own version of the Derek Jeter “thank you for sex” gift basket (but it has like a little pair of wings in it and some mini bags of pretzels), he’s still coming out on top compared with these two psychos.
It works for Hannah too because she gives him a rose, which means now we’re down to Luke and Garrett. Luke pulls has one last card up his sleeve, and it’s the Jesus in the shower thing.
Hannah is nodding her head along to this story as if Luke isn’t literally describing having an orgasm in the shower. He saying things like “then I just let go” and “this is heaven” and it’s like WE GET IT, WEIRDO, YOU WERE JERKING OFF IN THE SHOWER.
Garrett takes the opposite route by regurgitating word-for-word speeches of past years about falling in love, but I feel nothing when he speaks. Like, he could be listing his grocery list for how impassioned this sounds.
It’s time to give out the final rose and Hannah looks distressed at her two choices. Perhaps she should consult her art again. She says she has to “go with her heart” which I guess means the man with a steroid addiction because Luke is the last guy going to Hometowns!
And on that note, I’m outtie betches! While it’s been fun furiously recapping on stolen diner WiFi, our time together has come to an end. See you next week for Hometowns!
Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @luke_parker777 /Instagram (1); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)
I’ll start with a confession: I generally find The Bachelor and The Bachelorette pretty boring. It doesn’t do that much for me to see the same parade of idiots season after season pretend that they’re ready to get engaged to a stranger. Every year when we’re promised the “most dramatic season ever,” I just roll my eyes. So imagine my surprise in realizing that this season is…actually really good? There have been some truly dramatic twists with the guys, and Hannah B is unexpectedly kind of a badass. ABC did a good job, and if the spoilers hold up, it looks like the end of this season is not going to disappoint.
If you don’t want spoilers, stop reading now, and also why did you even click on this article? As many of you probably know, a couple weeks ago Reality Steve publicly changed his prediction of who was going to win The Bachelorette. He originally predicted Tyler C would win. Now he’s all in on Jed, who conveniently had a girlfriend when he went on the show. That’s a whole other thing that somehow didn’t stop him from making it to the end, but it’s all catching up with him now.
(EXCLUSIVE SPOILER)…I can confirm that Hannah broke off her engagement to Jed earlier this week. They are still "together," but the engagement is off. This isn't a "don't ever talk to me again" from what I'm being told, but it's also not all rainbows and daffodils either…
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) June 27, 2019
On Thursday night, Reality Steve said he can confirm that Hannah has broken off her engagement with Jed. Wow. I mean, he definitely deserves it if all the girlfriend stuff is really true, but I’m still pretty proud of Hannah for pulling the trigger. According to Reality Steve, their relationship isn’t necessarily 100% over, and they’re still on speaking terms, but it’s obviously a good time to take a step back and really think things through.
Of course, we won’t hear any of this from Hannah’s mouth until the season comes to an end, but I really hope it gets addressed on the Finale/After the Final Rose. It’s not like there haven’t been any asshole women on The Bachelor, but I feel like especially the guys feel like they can get away with this type of sh*t year after year. Jed deserves to get dragged on national television if all the accusations are true, and I’m setting my DVR now.
Before you ask, neither me nor Reality Steve have any idea if Hannah is reconsidering a relationship with Tyler, or if he would even want that. He might have gone to Paradise, or he could very well be the next Bachelor. Basically, we don’t know where all the chips are going to fall at the end of this mess, but the engagement is over.
(EXCLUSIVE SPOILER) With that said, I know you will all ask me about Tyler, and will she get back with him, and are they together, have they talked, etc. I don't know. Who knows if Tyler would even want that. Maybe he'd rather be the "Bachelor?" I'm not gonna answer for him
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) June 27, 2019
Maybe there’s still time for Hannah to make it to the end of Paradise, but honestly all those
clowns men probably aren’t good enough for her. I’m wishing her the best, because she somehow seems to be the person here with her priorities most in order. Except when it comes to Luke P, because he has her totally dickmatized.
This situation is still developing, so we’ll see what happens between now and the end of this season. Maybe Hannah will hop on a flight back to Latvia for a couple weeks of soul searching. Either way, I’m sure Chris Harrison will be getting a lot of late night stress texts, and we should be in for a great last few weeks of The Bachelorette.
Images: ABC; realitysteve (2) / Twitter
In the Bachelorette seasons of yore, once the contestants were eliminated, we never had to think of them again. They would go home and get right back on that golf course with their frat brothers! Or watch the episodes of Blue Bloods they DVR’d while they were away in peace! It was a simpler (but still very white) time. But now, thanks to social media, even an obscure nobody who went home on night one can end up making a living selling Fab Fit Fun boxes. I believe this is what we call the American Dream, folks. Last season it was, of course, Grocery Store Joe, who parlayed his social media stardom into a trip to Bachelor in Paradise, Dancing with the Stars, and Kendall’s heart. It went so well for him I don’t think he’ll need to be restocking the Snickers Ice Cream bars any time soon. This season, we have #JusticeforMattDonald.
WHAT!! MATT DONALD GOT ROBBED!! SOMEONE GROCERY STORE JOE HIM FAST #thebachelorette
— Evan Bass (@ebassclinics) May 14, 2019
I first noticed the Matt Donald love in the comments of last week’s Bachelorette recap. Yes, It’s Britney, Betch and I do screen the comments of each other’s articles for the sake of our mental health. Unfortunately, we’re still unwell. Anyways, then I hit up the Bachelor subreddit, which pointed me in the direction of this interview with Matt, and alerted me to the Twitter hashtag. Yes, I was late to the party, but that’s only because Twitter scares me more than navigating the GW Bridge at rush hour with my grandma driving, okay? I avoid it at all costs. So, since Matt Donald is the internet’s new boyfriend, let’s take a look at what makes him so special.
After Matt was eliminated on night one, a lot of people were shocked. First, ABC gave him one of the coveted intro spots. Yes, I know they always profile people who end up going home on night one, but I would argue the girl that listed her profession as “Chicken Enthusiast” deserved to get eliminated, whereas the sweet guy with the deaf family maybe did not. Matt was also one of the only guys who managed an interesting entrance. Let’s take a gander:
Sure, I was so second-hand embarrassed for him after this aired I refused to leave my bed for six days and my only interaction was with my pizza guy, but still at least he tried. And I thought Hannah liked cheesy *cough* Cam the white rapper *cough*. And finally, Matt was too precious for this world, because he worried that his entrance made him appear goofy and not serious about the Bachelorette process. Oh, honey. I would love to think that kindly about myself after a rejection. It’s because she didn’t want to bang you.
Now that we know all about Matt’s brief appearance on The Bachelorette and why the internet is obsessed with him, is he worth all the hype? After looking at his Instagram that I’m sure is not carefully curated in any way, my answer is a resounding YES. As we learned from the show, Matt’s family is deaf, and so he uses sign language to communicate with them. Fine, cool, whatever. But did you know HE BOUGHT HIS MOM A MERCEDES?!
WHAT?! My mom recently bought someone a $700 bridal shower gift that was supposed to be from the two of us, and I told her instead of giving her half the money, I’d buy her an iced tea on the drive up. So he’s clearly less of a sh*t than me. If this is the kind of gift Matt gives his mother, imagine what he’d give to the woman sucking his d*ck?!
Matt Donald apparently doesn’t just love his family, but is also a dog lover. OMG he got a puppy for his family for Christmas! Excuse me, where can I get an application to be this dude’s girlfriend? I’ve dated a guy just because there was a puppy in his vicinity on the subway before, so knowing that that Matt has a real tangible ball of fur in his possession is really winning me over.
And finally, Matt Donald ain’t too hard on the eyes. I mean, he doesn’t have Luke’s PED physique, but you also don’t have to hear him talk about Crossfit while he’s on top of you. Plus, things aren’t looking too bad under that tight white henley. I approve. And this is coming from a woman who is actively disturbed by grown men with blonde hair. It’s a personal issue I know I’ve mentioned here before. We all have our crosses to bear.
So it looks like America knows what we’re talking about! We need #JusticeforMattDonald. He better be on Paradise this summer. Because let’s be real, if the producers didn’t force Hannah to choose John Paul Jones in hopes that he would murder her and they’d have THE MOST DRAMATIC episode of 20/20 of all time, Matt would still be on the show. The least they could do is give him the chance to get a full body massage from Caelynn on the beach in Mexico. Okay, Chris Harrison?
Images: ebassclinics/Twitter; bacheloretteabc, oldmattdonald22/Instagram (3)
From the first moment that ABC announced Hannah Brown as their new Bachelorette, I knew that we were in for six months of eye-rolls and idiotic pageant references. There’s nothing ABC loves more than an easy punchline (trigger warning: Colton’s virginity), and so you know they’re not going to miss a single opportunity to bring up sashes and tiaras and swimsuit competitions and ALABAMA. Well, we’ve now been #blessed with the first promo for Hannah B’s season of The Bachelorette, and the verdict? I am already f*cking tired.
In the clip, which was premiered on Good Morning America today, Hannah B. traipses through a fairytale forest that looks like they tried to remake Avatar with no CGI budget. Hannah B. is wearing a tiara and a sash that says “BEAUTY QUEEN,” in case you couldn’t use your powers of deduction to figure out that she is, in fact, a beauty queen. She’s in a big white gown, but it’s one of the ones where it’s actually pants, and the skirt part is removable. If I had to guess, she’s going to take off the skirt at the end of this thing.
FIRST ON @GMA: The brand new @BacheloretteABC promo! Get your roses ready #BachelorNation! #TheBachelorette ? pic.twitter.com/55qmJzYipN
— Good Morning America (@GMA) April 5, 2019
As she wanders through the forest, she tosses aside the tiara, then the sash, then THE SKIRT. I WAS RIGHT. This is basically every sh*tty perfume commercial ever, and could also be mistaken for a Taylor Swift video from 2010. At least they’re going with a tried-and-true concept. Oh! And I almost forgot about the music! As Hannah explores the enchanted forest, with more bad CGI roses growing around her feet, we hear a stupid cover of “You Don’t Own Me,” the classic song about being a bad bitch who doesn’t need a man. Wait—isn’t the whole point of this show that Hannah B. does need a man? Mike Fleiss, I’m unimpressed by your mixed messages here.
We’re left with what is presumably the tagline for the new season, and man, it’s some of ABC’s best work, truly. THINK YOU KNOW HER? THINK AGAIN. Wow, I’m just struck by how creative and original that is. I mean, where do they even come up with this stuff? I’m just waiting for next year, when the Bachelorette tagline is probably going to be NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED. Gotta love the wordsmiths over at ABC.
Remember this tragedy?
So, what’s going to happen?? Will Hannah B. ever find her way out of the haunted forest? Will she save herself, or realize that she needs a knight in shining armor? Honestly, I’m not sure her motley crew of guys has any knights in shining armor, so hopefully she’s good on her own. We’ll all find out when The Bachelorette premieres on Monday, May 13, and you better believe we’ll be here ready to roast.
Images: ABC; @GMA / Twitter; Giphy
As we know, ABC made a bold move for the upcoming season of The Bachelorette by announcing all 33 contestants months in advance. We already made fun of Hannah B’s guys as a group, and one was already exposed for sending a woman tons of unwanted DMs. We’re still waiting for the official ABC bios of all of these clowns (rest assured you’ll get a full
roast breakdown), but luckily the good people at POPSUGAR have found the social media accounts of all the men. Now, most of the guys have gotten smart this season and already locked down their Instagram and Twitter profiles, so there’s no big racist or sex offender scandal (yet), at least for the moment. But some of the men’s social profiles still reveal some interesting and/or embarrassing things about them.
First of all, there are several of Hannah B’s guys who POPSUGAR says have no social media. I have questions. Of course, there’s always a chance that they have profiles we just can’t find at the moment, but what if they don’t? In 2019, do we trust people who don’t have Instagram or Twitter accounts? Are they Amish? Do they have something to hide? I know straight men are still mostly bad at social media, but usually they at least have an Instagram profile with six random photos from 2014. How are these dudes going to capitalize on their #spon opportunities with no social media??
But let’s talk about what we learned from the men who do have social media. First up, Daron. In my previous article, I said that Daron looks like OJ Simpson, and I stand by that, but his ABC photo is definitely the worst photo he’s ever taken. Thankfully, Daron’s Instagram is still public, so I was able to scroll all the way back to when he was a baby college freshman. Daron played football at the University of Kentucky, which is pretty legit.
Please enjoy this photo of Daron with a bag of wine in a canoe. Love to see it.
From his Instagram, I also learned that Daron enjoys cigars and Bassnectar concerts, so that’s fun. Overall, he seems like an unproblematic guy who likes to have a good time, but he might still be a nightmare inside the Bachelorette mansion. Only time will tell.
Next on the list of Hannah B’s guys, let’s talk about Jonathan S., who is 27, and lives in Los Angeles. Like Daron, his Instagram is public, so we can see that he has a large sneaker collection and voted Democrat in the last election. Jonathan’s Instagram is really pretty unremarkable, but I was delighted to discover that he also has a separate photography account. There’s nothing I love more than someone who likes to take pictures on their iPhone and decides that they’re a photographer. Jonathan’s secondary account only has six photos, and they’re all very special. Rather than pick one photo to highlight, here’s a screenshot of his entire feed, so you can really get the idea. Also, this is literally all there is.
Wow, just wow. It takes real skill to get a Boomerang of a campfire, or the same Epcot photo that 500 people take every single day. Also, he gives every single photo a title and writes what year it was taken, as if it’s going to get displayed in the MoMA. I’m obsessed.
Moving on, let’s discuss my most disturbing discoveries of the day. Looking through Kevin’s Instagram, I was immediately turned off by the many, many grainy photos he posts of his muscles. Here’s another grid screenshot, so you really understand:
Make! It! Stop! All of these photos are from 2018, so there’s really no excuse for the poor photo quality, weirdly dark filter, or for the photos to exist in the first place. Kevin, Myspace angles should only exist on Myspace! Kevin also likes to post memes sometimes, so we have something in common! Except like, this one makes me want to die:
You can’t see how hard I’m cringing right now, but hopefully you’re feeling the same way. But honestly, this is just the kind of thirsty thing I would expect a dude on The Bachelorette to post, so hopefully Hannah B. is loving him right now. And hey, at least it’s not a racist meme.
Another favorite Instagram find was the bio of Tyler, whose account is sadly private. While I can’t see what he posts, his profile is enough all by itself:
Is this an Instagram bio or a resume? I’m so glad I know his entire educational history, and also his modeling representation in THREE different cities! And he’s also a custom home builder? How does he have time for all of this? Maybe he’s a “model” like Tom Schwartz and Jax Taylor are “models,” meaning they’re generally hot guys who have been in front of a camera like, twice in the past five years. Can’t wait to find out!
Finally, let’s look at the Twitter of Matthew S., who is probably one of the cutest out of Hannah B’s guys. Unfortunately, his Twitter bio just ruined any trace of attraction I was feeling:
Live footage of me right now:
A DASH OF THICK? Sorry, that sound you just heard was me projectile vomiting. I really can’t. That bio should be disqualifying all by itself, but the list of people Matthew is following is pretty bleak. He only follows eight accounts, and they include Jimmy Fallon, Ellen DeGeneres, and Conor McGregor, who is currently under investigation for sexual assault. Great stuff!
So obviously there are many more of Hannah B’s guys who we don’t know about yet, but there are already definitely some gems in this bunch. Can’t wait to see what Hannah has in common with all of these dudes, but I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of moments of awkward silence on the one-on-ones. But who knows, maybe she and Jonathan will bond over their love of ~photography~.
Images: ABC, @daronblaylock, @jon.tha.don, @sight.by.saunders, @kevinjfortenberry (2), @tylercameron3 / Instagram, @mattspraggins_ / Twitter, Giphy