For the last 18 years, ABC has slowly sucked the will to live out of us with a torture device known as The Bachelor. I hate this show. But my god, I LOVE this show. You know what I mean? In the beginning, it was gripping because reality TV was relatively new, and we got to see people genuinely fall in love. In the end times (that’s us now, am I right COVID/murder hornets/Isaias?) it’s gripping because of the unconventional endings and the overwhelming desire to know which blonde women from the South will end up with the best FabFitFun sponsorship when it’s over. But, through the years, one thing that’s remained constant in Bachelor Nation is its disdain for spoilers. That’s right! Bring on the racists and the sex offenders, but don’t you DARE spoil this contrived mockery of modern courtship for the masses. Or at least, that’s what they say. But I’ve got another theory. I think ABC actually LOVES having the season spoiled. And, dare I say it…they may even spoil it themselves. Allow me to explain.
First, let me lay out the evidence that ABC claims to hate spoilers. Just last season, Chris Harrison went on Almost Famous, Ben Higgins’ and Ashley I’s podcast, and told them that spoilers “ruin people’s lives,” are “disrespecting the hard work done by writers and producers,” and that people who spoil the season “have no self-worth.”
Oh, Chris. That’s cute. But people with no self-worth are busy ruining their lives by texting their cheating ex 73 times at 1am (hypothetically!), they don’t spoil The Bachelor. Producers also make the contestants sign an NDA when they go on the show, which of course includes a clause forbidding them from revealing the ending.
But even with that clause and Chris Harrison publicly cursing Reality Steve’s name, somehow spoilers get out. Every season since Jason Mesnick’s, actually, and I know like 75% of you reading this were still wearing a diaper when he was publicly changing his mind (ugh, men). So, spoilers have been a part of the Bachelor franchise for a long time—longer than March 2020. And of course there are some reasons for this that don’t involve an underpaid production assistant getting wine drunk and chatty in a public place near a recording device. Obviously The Bachelor is a big production, and they have dates out in public, so naturally people are going to see them, take pictures, and tweet about it. And some seasons the lead even spoils it themselves. Kaitlyn Bristowe actually posted a Snapchat in bed with her winner Shawn Booth before the season finished airing.
Well Kaitlyn just gave away who won the bachelorette on snapchat @RealitySteve pic.twitter.com/MlbIX3fNQx
— Graceanne Parks (@GraceanneParks) June 13, 2015
So, like, did Kaitlyn get in trouble for this? If she broke this clause in the NDA and didn’t get sued, can contestants on the show finally talk about “controversial topics” like feminism? Please hit me back, Bachelor lawyers. And, if she didn’t get sued, doesn’t that just further the idea that, at the very least, ABC doesn’t really care if their show is spoiled? The only consequence for her actions that I could find was when Jimmy Kimmel told her that ABC was “very, very mad.” Well! I didn’t know they were very, very mad! Two very’s! That should certainly serve as a strong deterrent to other contestants.
So, of course, plenty of people, spies and dummies alike, are spoiling The Bachelor. They have never been able to contain it. My bet is that ABC decided that if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Because we have finally made it to my star witness, the season that has me all riled up, Season 16 of The Bachelorette, aka The Clare Catastrophe™ . The Clare Catastrophe™ began all the way back in March, when Clare Crawley, woman who talks to crabs, was announced as the Bachelorette. And then her season was immediately put on hold due to COVID-19. That makes sense, they’re swapping a lot of bodily fluids over there. But now that we have the virus under control (lol I am a mole person and everyone is still dying) they began filming in July in one isolated location. One isolated location I might add, that immediately got leaked. That means no going out in public on dates, no leaving the property at all, and STILL spoilers got out. I’m no genius, but I’m pretttyyyyy sure that means that someone on location had to be the one to spill the metaphorical beans, no?
You can find our full explanation of The Clare Catastrophe ™ here, but I’ll give it to you quick to prove my point. First, Reality Steve found out that Dale Moss got the first impression rose. HOW WOULD ANYONE WHO WAS NOT THERE KNOW THAT? The call was coming from inside the house! And then we had the Reddit post that outlined pretty much EXACTLY what happened with Clare, and how Tayshia was coming in to replace her. AND THEN we have this Instagram account that revealed EVEN MORE about why Becca and Hannah Ann have shown up.
Sorry for all the caps, guys, I realize this looks like an email from my grandpa, but I am THAT jazzed up about it. Because at this point they just want people to speculate. They could have easily made sure that no one knew Hannah Ann was coming and locked down the location, but they didn’t.
So, we have the fact that the information about Clare’s season leaked even though they were quarantined for filming. And sure, some of the information could have been from contestants that were called back, but that doesn’t account for the location being leaked, the first impression rose info, and the story that was posted on Reddit. And then we have the fact that the show is getting a TON of publicity from this. Did I care two weeks ago about a sad, lonely old lady looking for love? Sure, but that old lady was me. Now I’m pumped to see how this season all goes down, there have been non-stop stories on major media outlets about the season every single day, and people give a sh*t again. HUH what do you know? So why wouldn’t the people who benefit from this the most be the ones to put it into action?
Every website is talking about the "Bachelorette," all former contestants are on social media discussing it, they're congratulating Tayshia, etc. This is productions wet dream. We're over a month away from premiere & look at how many people are giddy over what's going on.
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) August 5, 2020
And I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ll hear of this season. The leaks will just keep coming, they’ve opened up a can of worms. These spoilers are basically me with an episode of Schitt’s Creek. Once you watch one, you may as well stay up for 52 hours and watch the entire series! And though ABC will NEVER admit that they may have played a part in this or at the very least benefited from it, and I’m sure Chris Harrison will have a field day sh*tting on these spoilers during filming, you and I know the truth!
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Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (1); graceannparks, realitysteve/Twitter; lexniko/Instagram
With this week’s bombshell news that Tayshia Adams will be replacing Clare Crawley as the Bachelorette, it’s no surprise that this season is in a state of flux. After just 12 days of filming, Clare found true love, and she might even be engaged to Dale. Some sources say Tayshia called back some guys that Clare sent home, but it’s unclear if any of them actually made the trip back to Palm Springs. And this week, ABC released the most cryptic teasers ever, suggesting that this could really be (say it with me) the most dramatic season ever.
So what could possibly make this season just a little bit more dramatic? Well, in a turn of events that is very exciting to me personally, Hannah Ann Sluss has been spotted on the property. That’s right, according to a report from Us Weekly, Bachelor Nation’s resident supermodel has arrived at the resort where filming is taking place. I thought she would be upset about not even being the backup Bachelorette, but what if she’s the backup-backup Bachelorette?? Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself, but let’s go over what we know so far.
Hannah Ann rolled up to the La Quinta Resort on Tuesday, and Us Weekly’s photos show her arriving with a big-ass suitcase. I’m no model, but that doesn’t look like the kind of suitcase you bring if you’re only staying for a night or two. Then again, maybe she just overpacks. In another photo, Hannah Ann is wearing a mask and talking to another woman, who is reported to be Bachelor producer Julie LaPlaca. If you recall, Julie is the producer who people (myself included) thought Peter Weber was dating at the end of his season (yes, that happened this year; no, time isn’t real).
Hannah Ann has arrived on #TheBachelorette set with a large suitcase. So, she must not be there just to give Tayshia advice. 🤔#TheBachelor #BachelorNation pic.twitter.com/AqIIO6hCWj
— The Chris Harrison Show (@RosesTearsDrama) August 5, 2020
So, based on this evidence, Hannah Ann seems to be involved in filming in some way. But how?? In the past, it’s been pretty common for some past Bachelor Nation peeps to come back and give the lead some advice. That could be what’s happening here, but I’m not convinced. First of all, and I mean this as nicely as possible, but who the f*ck would take relationship advice from Hannah Ann? I don’t think Pete should have proposed to her in the first place, but come on, that relationship isn’t a shining beacon of success. And besides that, do Hannah Ann and Tayshia even know each other? They follow each other on Instagram, and there’s a chance they’ve met IRL, but Tayshia surely has closer BN friends who could come help her out, right?
Also, with quarantine rules theoretically in place, it seems like a lot of work to drive out to Palm Springs and quarantine just so you can attend a group date and give some mediocre advice after. Taking into account the large suitcase, what if Hannah Ann is planning on staying for a while? They’ve already essentially thrown out the rulebook for this season, so who knows what twists could lie ahead? Two Bachelorettes at once? It could happen—in fact, it’s happened before.
But Hannah Ann’s arrival at The Bachelorette’s desert palace isn’t the only thing we need to talk about, because there are also rumors that Becca Kufrin is there. There isn’t specific photo proof like there is with Hannah Ann, but IG account @bachdetective has matched up details from several of her recent photos with the resort where filming is taking place. There’s a door, a window, some flooring, and perhaps most telling, a green wristband that resort guests have to wear (the same account also spotted Hannah Ann wearing the green bracelet yesterday). Those details could easily mean nothing, but I’m not not intrigued. BECCA, WHAT IS THE TRUTH?
Did Becca really dump Garrett? Is she back for another chance at finding love?? What if there’s like… a whole group of Bachelorettes??? At this point, I’m basically turning into a Bachelorette conspiracy theorist, but really, how else should I be spending my time right now? Based on recent social media posts, Hannah Ann and Becca both still had their phones yesterday, but if they go silent on Instagram, we’ll really know something is up. Until then, I guess I’ll just frantically refresh Reality Steve’s Twitter feed every 10 minutes in case I miss anything.
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; rosestearsdrama / Twitter; bachdetective / Instagram
Last week, Peter Weber finally revealed that he and Kelley Flanagan are dating. With a picture of them on a plane, no less, just in case you didn’t remember him screaming in our faces every week “I’M A PILOT, THAT MEANS I’M SEXY” and “WATCH HOW I MOVE MY HIPS DURING THIS SALSA DANCE.” Oh sorry, that last one had nothing to do with this photo. Peter’s finale was on March 9th, which means literally no time has passed since the season ended, because time doesn’t count when you’re in quarantine, or at least that’s what I told my mother when I refused to celebrate my birthday in April. In that time (no time) Peter has managed to get engaged to Hannah Ann, dump Hannah Ann, try and date Madison for 36 hours, and is now dating Kelley. While yes, technically the Hannah Ann stuff happened after the season finished filming at the end of November, I still declare that to be no time, since it was over the holidays and time isn’t real then either. And in all seriousness, I have to say, this is not a good look. In fact, it’s just messy. And even with all the trash that ABC has thrown at us over the years, I’m starting to wonder if Peter is the messiest of them all? Let’s take a look at past Bachelors and see if any of them can beat him at this game.
Peter Weber
First, let me lay out my case for Peter. I understand walking into this thing with a chip on his shoulder because everyone wanted Tyler C to be the Bachelor, but that’s still no excuse for letting his dick hand out the roses every week. The Bachelor is not Are You The One. It is not Too Hot to Handle. It is supposed to be, or at least pretend to be, about finding a wife—not just someone you want to hook up with and make sponsored his-and-hers FabFitFun posts with. It was obvious from the beginning that Peter wasn’t looking for a wife, and proven when he brought two under-23-year-olds and a dementor to the Fantasy Suites.
So, eventually Peter proposed to Hannah Ann because she was the only one of his final two who would have sex with him and oh, also, didn’t eliminate herself. Shockingly, this did not turn into everlasting love. Peter is not the only Bachelor to change his mind after all the glitz, glamour, and Neil Lane’s blinding smile go away. But he is the only one whose relationship with the runner-up was so short that if they were binge watching Tiger King together at the start of it, they’d never even find out if Joe Exotic managed to kill that b*tch Carole Baskin. And he is certainly the only one to then move on to a THIRD woman from his show. Now he’s posting cringeworthy TikTok videos with Kelley, and Madison is responding with her own awful TikToks. I’m sorry, I cannot describe these any further because I tried to watch and I burst into flames of embarrassment, shame, and disgust. We’ll see where Peter’s relationship goes with Kelley. My heart says to root for them because she is age-appropriate and should have been the winner all along, but my head says that Kelsey should get her choreographed dance moves ready for when Peter is ready to move on in a few days.
We didn’t catch you. You’ve literally been posting videos together for a month.
And now, things have gotten even messier, because we found out this week that Peter and Kelley left Chicago to go back to LA—in the middle of a pandemic. Hmm, guess they were bored there, so now they want to be bored somewhere else! They’re now in the land of paparazzi, and we’ve already seen photos of them riding a tandem bike. Ew. Let’s not forget that Peter already flew to Chicago during the pandemic, so he’s a repeat offender at this point. Also, I hope he’s not hanging out with his parents, who are definitely old enough to be high-risk! People, how hard is it to just stay the f*ck where you are!?
Jason Mesnick
It’s hard to be messier than Peter, but Jason Mesnick was the OG of Bachelors That Change Their Mind™, so he can’t be forgotten. For all you beautiful young things who don’t need to slather your faces in expensive retinol, let mama tell you about Jason Mesnick. He was lucky Bachelor number 13, which aired in 2009. Ah, a time when we were so innocent and unaware of the terrors ABC had yet to unleash onto this world *cough* Chad Johnson *cough*.
On his season finale, Jason Mesnick proposed to Melissa Rycroft and she accepted. Congrats! But then, on After the Final Rose, Jason realized he was still in love with Molly, his runner-up, and broke up with Melissa ON AIR. So this might not sound that shocking now that we’ve met The Shame of Scottsdale, Arie Luyendyk Jr., but back then this had never happened before, and things were not yet being manufactured to garner more Instagram followers. Plus, he did this on a live special! V messy, Jason. But to his credit, Jason is still with Molly today and they have adorable children, and I guess life is good and he got his sh*t together. So thanks for the entertainment, you crazy kids, glad it worked out!
I’d also be remiss not to mention that we have Jason to thank for Reality Steve. His season was the first one Steve ever spoiled, and the rest is history, as they say. So thank you both for helping me win my Bachelor brackets for at least the last five years, and letting me get away with calling it a “God-given talent”.
Arie Luyendyk Jr.
You all knew he was coming. And now he doesn’t even seem all that original anymore, does he? After nine long years of Chris Harrison making blood sacrifices to the full moon and selling a tiny bit of his soul each time he had to officiate the wedding of a couple that met on Paradise, the devil finally granted his request and sent him another Bachelor who never heard the phrase “no take-backs”.
Arie was middle-aged mature, experienced, and supposed to bring a level of seriousness to this show. Instead, he proposed to Becca and then brought a cameraman to their “happy couple” weekend, dumped her, and then refused to leave while she sobbed. It was uncut, raw footage, and I would rather go to the gynecologist every single day of my life than watch those moments of TV ever again. It’s like he saw what Jason Mesnick did, pointed at it and said “That! Only make her want to die!”
And so he did. Then he went to his runner-up Lauren’s house, they exchanged about three words and got back together. The ONLY reason he is not messier than Peter is because he made it work with Lauren, despite the fact that I have been dutifully sticking their voodoo dolls full of pins for two years. That’s impressive. And their kid is cute. You MILDLY redeemed yourself, Arie. And that is the nicest thing I will ever say about you, so take it.
Colton Underwood
Colton’s messiness does not begin with his season. In fact, his season was relatively mild when you look at it in comparison to Arie emotionally running over Becca with a semi-truck the year before. Colton was messy before he even went on Becca’s season. I’m sure I have voiced this in previous articles, but Colton schemed to be the Bachelor for years, and Mike Fleiss fell for it. Before Colton knew that Becca was going to be the Bachelorette, he DM’d Tia, thinking it would be her and he could score an advantage, and they spent a weekend together. Then, when he found out The Bachelorette was Becca, he peaced out. He went on Becca’s season and had to reveal what happened with Tia. He still finished in fourth place, after which he went on to Paradise. On Paradise, he dicked Tia around some more, but didn’t want to commit because he was in the running for The Bachelor “it wasn’t there.”
Then he, of course, did become the Bachelor, and ended up with Cassie after the infamous fence-jump and getting the body shakes so loud I still hear them in my most quiet moments. And they’re still together today, despite coronavirus, Cassie’s bangs phase, and Colton’s book. What’s so unique about Colton’s messiness is that the contestants usually wait until after they’re the Bachelor to test drive other members of Bachelor Nation, but he did it before he was ever even cast on any of the franchise’s shows, so kudos to him for recognizing a trend and getting ahead of it. I hope talking about your virginity on national TV for two months was everything you dreamed it would be when you were scheming, Colton!
Never forget.
Chris Soules
Chris Soules’ season was not actually all that noteworthy, unless you consider casting a Bachelor that couldn’t form a full sentence for an entire season noteworthy. Chris was a farmer from Iowa, and a fan favorite on Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette. He proposed to Whitney, much to runner-up Becca Tilley’s obvious relief, and then they broke up very shortly after the finale aired. His real messiness began after his reality TV career, though. In 2017, Chris was charged with leaving the scene of a fatal car accident. Chris rear-ended a tractor which resulted in the death of the driver, Kenneth Mosher, and then left the scene of the accident. He was not charged with driving under the influence, although there were discarded beer cans found in his car. He eventually pleaded guilty and received two years probation.
Obviously this is more than messy—it’s sad and devastating for the victim’s family and it’s reckless, dangerous, and stupid on Chris’s part. But NOW he is quarantining in Iowa with the one and only Victoria Fuller. Word is that he DM’d her and that’s how this got started. Damn, I feel like every day this show gives me grounds to sue Instagram. Is there anything messier than two people with a myriad of legal troubles hooking up? Now I’m thinking that coronavirus started just because it knew this couple was coming, and wanted to make sure they had literally nowhere to drive together. I’m sure this couple will only get more dramatic, and I’m excited to see where it goes.
So, is Peter the messiest Bachelor? Yes, for now. But I don’t doubt that the second ABC can start filming again they will find a new man even more indecisive and willing to debase himself for Instagram followers. So, enjoy your Messiest Bachelor of All Time badge while you can, Peter! But please take solace in the fact that you’ll always remain the most embarrassing member of Bachelor Nation on TikTok.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (2); pilot_pete, jasonmesnick, bachandroses/ Instagram
Thankfully, the dumpster fire that was Peter’s season of The Bachelor is over. Which makes it the third consecutive season of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette to not end in an engagement. Which is the entire point of the show. Guys? Hate to tell you this, but forcing 20 women to live in one house and sleep with the same guy in exchange for FabFitFun sponsorships is actually just a brothel and it’s not legal in California. You might need to rethink the show premise because it’s obviously not working. After Peter strung along/screwed over/kept Hannah Ann as the backburner bitch, he did the biggest favor of her life and brutally dumped her on national TV. But that’s okay, because Hannah Ann still has plenty of years left to be screwed over by men before she finds a decent one to settle down with. Unfortunately for Hannah Ann, she will not be the next Bachelorette, but I’m sure she’ll still get to sell us some FitTea regardless.
In fact, as a model, Hannah Ann does a lot of ads for brands. In digging into Hannah Ann’s random modeling past, we found a little something. One in particular you’ll know well if you’ve seen The Real Housewives of New York, in fact. (And if you haven’t, you should watch it all immediately, because it’s way better reality TV than The Bachelor!)
That’s right, guys! Hannah Ann modeled for…
For those of you living under a rock, a couple seasons ago, Dorinda straight-up ruined Luann’s cabaret performance by enthusiastically and drunkenly shrieking “JOVANI” throughout the entire show. But that’s not why I have an issue with this ad from Hannah Ann (seriously, what random brand has she not modeled for at this point?).
It’s the absolutely insane editing. 
What kind of waist is this???? It’s like they just cut big gaping holes into her sides. She looks like a literal stick figure. Once again, rib cages are too unsexy for the female body. To compare, here’s what Hannah Ann’s actual body looks like, obviously give or take five years.
The thing is, the Jovani edit is so bad that it doesn’t even make the clothes look good. Like, look at this dress, it’ll make you look sunken in and straight as a board? I don’t understand!
Like, Hannah Ann is ALREADY an extremely thin girl/model! I also think it’s funny that they kept her legs/arms/hips all the exact same and just mutilated her waist. And then Hannah Ann saw this ad and thought, “Yup that’s me!” and posted it on her Instagram.
Sorry, Hannah Ann. Not only were you strung along and dumped by a douchebag who had a pad taped to his face for half the season, but you were done dirty by none other than Jovvaaaaaannnniii. Please find solace in the fact that at least you’re not as dumb as Madison, who’s currently stuck with him, and that Peter’s family definitely loves you more than him now. Let’s all just repeatedly watch my personal favorite part of the season where Peter, who is supposedly a pilot and should be somewhat coordinated, tried to get into a golf cart and manage to smash his own face into a glass he was holding:
Legit the best part of the entire show.
Hannah Ann, I hope you find better modeling gigs from this where you’re not edited into Stick Stickly, PO Box 963. New York City, New York state, 10108.
At least Hannah Ann has thousands of dollars worth of Revolve clothes to comfort her.
Watch Peter smash his face again here! I swear it makes me feel so much better about the season. Someone send it to Barb!
Images: ABC/Eric McCandless; @hannahann / Instagram (2); Tenor; Giphy (2)
Good morning, Bachelor Nation—that is, everyone except Peter and Barb. I’m sure you’re all still reeling from last night’s finale, which somewhat succeeded in being unspoilable, but equally succeeded in being totally anticlimactic. Like, if I wanted to commit to 10 weeks of seeing the same people, only for them to end up going on one date after this, I’d just redownload a dating app onto my phone. Now, PLEASE DO NOT READ AHEAD IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS. Tbh, I feel like after a show airs live, there is no such thing as being “spoiled” anymore, but some of you have jobs/can’t watch The Bachelor live/are sensitive, so consider this my due diligence.
Last night, Peter took a page out of Arie’s playbook and dumped his final pick (Hannah Ann) to get back with his runner-up (Madison). Ya hate to see it. Hannah Ann, despite not being old enough to legally rent a car yet, surprisingly handled the situation with a hell of a lot of grace and maturity, which is more than I can say of every murder plot I’ve devised in my head for the strangers on the subway (whom I will never encounter again) who take their sweet-ass time boarding the train, knowing full well that there is a sea of people behind them, and the doors close in three seconds. Anyway!
Hannah Ann appeared on the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast with Rachel Lindsay and Becca Kufrin to talk about the ending to the ~most dramatic season ever~ (it may have finally lived up to the hype this time), and oh boy, did she hold back no punches, especially towards Peter. She also spoke about #ChampagneGate, the Finasco Fiasco, and of course, why Peter ain’t sh*t (my words, not hers).
On Champagnegate
By now I think we all realize that the infamous champagne theft was completely producer orchestrated. “I was completely blindsided by it and I didn’t know how to handle it,” Hannah Ann tells Becca and Rachel, adding ,”in the end, Kelsey and i were able to put aside our differences and become friends.” Hannah Ann claims she was trying to be as logical as possible and be like, “hey I didn’t steal your champagne,” but that came off the wrong way to some viewers.
On Finasco
Hannah Ann jokes about her whole finasco slip of the tongue, saying, “In the moment I said that, and I had no idea that I even like, spoke. That’s not even a word I had used in the past, I don’t know where that came from.” Honestly, been there literally every time I record a podcast. (Maybe I should see a doctor?) But then Rachel asks Hannah if she does, in fact, know the correct word, and it basically goes like this:
Rachel: You do know the right word, right?
Hannah Ann: yes.
Rachel: …
Hannah Ann: …
Rachel: Fiasco.
So does Hannah Ann know the actual right word for fiasco? The jury’s still out on this one…
On Madison’s Ultimatum
Hannah Ann claims she had no idea about Madison’s ultimatum (which she doesn’t necessarily even consider an ultimatum, saying, “she was doing what’s best for her”), and assumed she and Peter had talked about their values before the Fantasy Suites. She says, “I knew she had certain lifestyle values that didn’t line up with Peter’s, but I assumed they’d had the conversation before.” Ya, like kind of how we all thought that certainly you wouldn’t wait that long to spring something so crucial on someone. But alas, we were all wrong!
She also says she was taken aback by the whole situation, but didn’t really want to focus on it too much, because, “I was just wanting to focus on me and him and not let anything distract me from that.” You can say what you want about Hannah Ann, but from the beginning, she was focused on one thing and one thing only: Peter. Even when it earned her Luke P comparisons. The girl is focused.
On Madison Leaving Early
Now, this is the part where things start to get good, and in the same vein, where Peter starts to get shady. Grab your kettle, the tea is being warmed up. (Sorry.) Hannah Ann says she had no idea that Madison had left early, and that Peter totally minimized how unsure he was going into his engagement, as well as his feelings for Madison.
“It was completely downplayed,” she says. “He didn’t give me the courtesy or respect to have a sit-down conversation: hey this is what’s going on with me, this is where my headspace is at, let’s talk this through.” She says that Peter “just told me that very quickly and downplayed it and then immediately went to ‘but my heart chooses you, you’re the love of my life, I wanna spend forever with you.'” And, I mean, we all saw how he began his engagement speech by saying “Madison”. This tracks.
I ABSOLUTELY just thought Peter called Hannah Ann “Madison” and my soul left my body #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/vw53SNAo8f
— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) March 11, 2020
We all totally thought he pulled a Ross Geller for a second, don’t even lie.
On Getting Dumped
Listening to Hannah Ann’s interview (and yes, I’m taking it with a slight grain of salt because hindsight is 2020), I’m impressed with how perceptive she seems to be. When asked why she took so long to get to the rose ceremony, and almost didn’t show, she says, “My instincts were telling me I wasn’t getting all the information I needed to make a decision with Peter.” Hannah Ann may be not a girl, not yet a woman, but in this case, the woman’s intuition was spot-on.
She admits, “Should I have stayed on that bed in Australia? Absolutely. But I wasn’t going to give up on someone that I loved, and the last words he told me on our last chance date was that he was going to make the best decision for both of us, and to trust him.”
Hmmm, where have I heard that before? Oh right, every relationship with a f*ckboy I’ve ever been in. *Slaps self across the cheek* You’re right, this isn’t about me.
She says that, “I think in the end he took advantage of the fact that he conveniently left out very important information prior to me making a commitment with him.” Basically, Peter wasn’t honest about how conflicted he was feeling, but rushed ahead with the engagement anyway. I know there’s a ton of pressure on the show to propose, but it still wasn’t fair to Hannah Ann.
Hannah Ann adds, “He downplayed his feelings towards Madison completely, and even after our breakup he couldn’t really own up to it.” Apparently, Peter went so far as to reach out to Hannah Ann’s parents, but only to say that “basically he was struggling processing all his emotions.” Umm, yeah, I’ll say! That’s like saying you have a little case of the sniffles when you really are coronavirus patient zero. Hannah Ann says of Peter’s excuses to her parents, “It was very vague. He speaks half-truths. And so while I’m watching the season I’m like, why we broke up makes a whole lot more sense, because he couldn’t really own up to how he was truly feeling.”
This is, apparently, a common theme with Peter. A guy who gave up his career to compete for fame on a reality TV show, shady? Well, I never!
On The Timing Of The Breakup
Basically, Hannah Ann and Peter stayed together through January, but when the season started airing was when their relationship began to unravel—not coincidentally, because that was when Peter’s half-truths started coming to light for the nation (including Hannah Ann) to see.
She says, ” beginning of January was when he approached me that he needed to speak with Hannah Brown. That’s the first red flag. He told me he needed to talk to Hannah Brown because he needed closure and was trying to convince me I should feel comfortable with that. And I’m like, why do you need closure?” What Hannah Ann didn’t know at that time, was that Peter needed closure because he low-key invited Hannah B. back into the Bachelor mansion. Hannah Ann says before that, she’d never known about the group date, or seen Hannah B. ugly cry on the couch. But once she watched it, it all made sense.
Peter never did get that “closure” because about a week later, he and Hannah Ann broke up, which was at the very end of January. The crazy part about it is that Hannah Ann says, “We actually had talked that morning that we weren’t gonna break up, we were gonna work through it.” Yikes. I mean, at least Peter didn’t follow her around a house trying to browbeat her into forgiveness, but this is like, only marginally better.
And, back to Peter never really giving the whole story, the reason he gave Hannah Ann for the breakup was that, similarly to what he told her parents, “he was having trouble processing his emotions.” Like, dude. You weren’t having trouble processing your emotions. You were having trouble feeling emotions toward your fiancée. Let’s call a spade a spade.
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We love you Hannah Ann and all of your random modeling jobs🌹 by: @dylanhafer #thebachelor
Hannah Ann reiterates, “Peter does not own up to the full truth—just like on our engagement day. He knew that if he told me the full extent of where his heart and head was at that entire week, he knew that the outcome would have been different. He knew that when we sat down and had an open, honest conversation, my instincts would have picked up on that he was not ready for a commitment. And that’s not what he wanted.”
Yeah, Peter just went full steam ahead because he wanted to put that ring on somebody’s finger, identity be damned.
In what might be my favorite quote ever, Hannah Ann says that Peter “was consistently inconsistent.” I love it. The accuracy. The poetry. The parallel structure. I’m putting this on a sticker. Honestly, Madison, good luck.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel for Hannah Ann, though. For one, she’ll absolutely kill it on Paradise, and who knows? Maybe four years from now, ABC will tote her out of the shadows to make her the Bachelorette. But she does say that Peter’s f*ckery “really helped me move forward because I deserve more than someone half-loving me. I deserve 100%.” Claps all around. Hannah Ann deserves the world, or at least, a Revolve modeling contract.
If you made it through this absolute novel, congrats! To hear more of what Hannah Ann said, listen to the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast below.
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; BrettSVergara / Twitter; thebetchelor / Instagram (2); Giphy (2)
Okay, is it just me, or does no one really care how this season of The Bachelor ends? Like, I know we care, and the spoilers for how the season might end are still running rampant, but none of this really matters. Pete is probably going to be single three months from now, and all of Victoria F’s antics will feel like a fever dream. We still technically have one more week before we officially know the outcome of this season, but someone isn’t waiting around to move on with her life.
Last weekend, finalist and part-time model Hannah Ann was spotted at a bar in Tennessee, and judging from a photo posted on Reddit, she wasn’t thinking about Pilot Pete. In the photo (and some others posted by Reality Steve), our girl Hannah Ann is hanging out with NFL player Joshua Dobbs, and they look… very friendly. Sadly, they’re not making out in any of the photos, but if I’m standing like this with someone at a bar, there’s a good chance that I’m making out with them in five minutes.
On the same day, they also went to a University of Tennessee basketball game together, which Hannah Ann posted about on her Instagram story. Reality Steve says they’ve been friends for a while, which would make sense because he went to Tennessee. We don’t know if anything is really going on between her and Joshua (my vote is yes), but either way, she’s not being too secretive about it. She can do whatever she wants, but I feel like the ABC producers would probably prefer that she wasn’t photographed canoodling with an NFL player while she’s still technically competing on the show. Whatever, I don’t know what’s in her contract.
While hanging out with an NFL player feels very on brand for Hannah Ann, I doubt her possible romance with Joshua Dobbs will last too long. We’re only a few months away from Paradise contracts going out, and there’s no way in hell she’s going to let a third-string football player get in the way of more screen time. There’s literally nothing in the world that could stop her from getting on camera, so expect her to be conveniently single by May.
Of course, before we can get to Paradise, we still have to get through the end of The Bachelor, and hey, maybe the spoilers will be wrong and Hannah Ann will win! I mean, that’s definitely not going to happen, but if there’s any season where there could be a last-minute twist, it’s this one. But really, Hannah Ann is definitely single, and an NFL player is definitely an upgrade from a pilot with a giant gash in his forehead. Get it, girl!
Images: ABC; r/TheBachelor / Reddit
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Welcome back to this crazy roller coaster ride we call The Bachelor! You know, if roller coasters ended with someone being legally shackled to the toothless man who runs pilots it. (See what I did there?) All I have to say is, strap in kids, because sh*t is about to get wild this week with the Fantasy Suite dates. If you’ll recall, last Monday, Peter went to Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Madison, and Victoria’s hometowns. My favorite part was when he got to swear up and down to their families that he would cherish their daughters and never ever hurt them in any way, only to break that promise at the very next rose ceremony when he dumped one of them because they didn’t seem as bangable. You love to see it.
Which brings us to this week: Peter is living the high life. He now has three beautiful women ready and willing to get engaged for the Instagram likes: Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison. After cheers-ing to future windmill fun, Madi asks if she can steal him for a sec. Uh-oh, is she finally going to come clean and tell Peter that the furthest she’s ever gone is with the tampon her friend Gina peer pressured her into wearing in the 11th grade? In hindsight, that Mother Teresa neckline of a jumpsuit should have been a clear indicator to Peter has to how this conversation was about to go.
PETER: You’re scaring me, what’s going on?
MADI: Oh my gosh no!! Don’t be scared!! I just don’t want you to sleep with anyone else or we’re through, okay!!
PETER:
Woooooow. So she’s not even going to tell Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage?? She says that sex is a big deal to her and huge part of her faith and that she’d be upset if he was intimate with others. What she doesn’t say is that she’s a virgin and if he sleeps with other women then she’s out. These are all things she says to the cameras in her interview afterward, but she really should have told Peter face-to-face. If she’s expecting him to be able to read between the lines, then she’s about to be SORELY mistaken.
Peter’s like “so how far am I allowed to go exactly? Just the tip or…?” It’s good to know your boundaries, Pete!
You can tell Peter left that conversation with absolutely no clarity. He walks Madi back to the other women, takes one large sigh, and looks longingly at Victoria F, like he knows he might never be able to find out what brand of crazy that girl is in the bedroom. He’s like “It’s tough because …. I was planning to bang all of them!” We know Peter. We know.
We learn that for the Fantasy Suite portion of the season Peter and his co-pilots are headed to beautiful, sunny Gold Coast, Australia! I’m half convinced production only chose this locale so they could pan the camera back and forth between a koala the most sexual creature on the planet and Peter. Subtle. On the plus side, if they’re in Australia at least ABC won’t be tempted to create a date scenario that forces Peter to wear another culture’s identity like an uncomfortable second skin.
PETER: G’day sheilas!!!
Christ. I should have known.
Peter, a man wearing head-to-toe khaki, tells us that he’s very worried about juggling three women in the bedroom, and I love that he’s just totally going to ignore Madison’s ultimatum and see what happens. This is a strategy best used when your boss tells you that no, National Frozen Foods Day is not a holiday with paid time off, and, no, you absolutely cannot have it off to eat a Costco-sized frozen pizza after giving only one day’s notice, but you do it anyway to “see what happens.” Doesn’t feel like a great strategy to play with someone who believes in things like the rapture but, sure, by all means, let’s see how this one plays out, Peter.
Okay, production is a messy bitch for making them all room together during Fantasy Suite week, a first in Bachelor history. So what? They just get to walk of shame home to the communal hotel suite? And then make small talk about how great Australia is as if they all haven’t seen Peter’s penis?
THE GIRLS TO EACH OTHER AFTER ANY OF THEIR OVERNIGHT DATES:
Hannah Ann’s Date
Peter looks f*cking miserable as he greets all the ladies in their communal suite. Seventh years at Hogwarts get more privacy in their living situations for god’s sake! How is he supposed to test each relationship’s flexibility in bed intimacy if they’re all going to gossip to each other about it afterward?
Hannah Ann is up first for the fantasy suite dates, and this feels like the right placement. Victoria F would have been too much of a wild card, and Madison would’ve had to FaceTime Chad and her youth pastor during dinner to see if drinking pink moscato counts as experimenting with hard liquor. No, it’s best to start off on a high note.
I love how Peter’s like “let’s only talk in an Australian accent today” and Hannah Ann uses that as an invitation to treat the date like an audition for future commercial work. I hope her agent is filming this monologue from the bushes!
Hannah Ann asks Peter if he’s ready, but ready for what exactly? I’m sure she meant that suggestively, but I have a feeling the kinkiest this girl gets is a BJ during daylight hours. Offering to blow someone doesn’t make you a master at seduction, Hannah Ann!
Hannah Ann tells Peter that whatever happens this week, she’s here for him, and you can tell he’s just relieved to not have to deal with another sex ultimatum. Speaking of the virgin, back at the hotel, Madison tells Victoria about how she’s uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with the other women. If she’s looking for support, she’s barking up the wrong tree. The only thing Victoria has ever abstained from was using condoms.
VICTORIA: You need to test drive the car before you purchase you know?
ALSO VICTORIA:
Meanwhile, Hannah Ann says that tonight is a big night for her and Peter’s relationship and that’s why she showed up dressed in my grandmother’s curtains. Revolve’s brand partnership person must be SHAKING. They sent her an entire free wardrobe and on the sex date she chooses the one garment they designed for the fun aunts of the world??
HANNAH ANN: When I let someone in, I let them ALL in.
Okay, I know I was joking before, but she really is talking about a blowjob there.
Alright, Hannah Ann is pushing a liiiiittle too hard for Peter to f*ck other girls. She’s like “I don’t care if you explore other options here, by all means PLEASE explore your options. Seriously. Please. Please don’t pick me.” Chill, girl. You’re showing your hand.
Oh Jesus Christ, please tell me that’s not another note from one of their diaries. I can’t take one more love letter where they compliment each other’s giggles. Okay, PHEW, it’s just the fantasy suite date card. Hannah Ann accepts Peter’s invitation to spend the night, but very reluctantly. Seriously, she seems way more into that hot tub than wanting to see the bedroom.
Okay, ENOUGH Hannah Ann! The producers told you to act like you’re into Peter, not re-create the goddamn Titanic. Please.
I’m just not sure Hannah Ann and Peter did the deed. Like, if I were to rate their night on a movie scale, I’d give it a PG-13 rating: lots of heavy panting and maybe Peter got to see some side boob. BUT THAT’S IT.
The next morning, Hannah Ann heads back to her shared room with the other ladies and it is awkwardddddd. I love that to combat the weirdness of all of them sleeping with the same man they just profusely compliment each other. “You look so tan and skinny lovey! Omg you’re glowing, cutie! I’m obsessed with that dress, girlie!” Stop it. Just ask her how hairless the rest of Peter’s body is and be done with it!
Victoria’s Date
I can’t wait to see how Victoria’s date compares to the one Peter just had with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann looks like the type to cry softly during penetration, while Victoria looks like the type to incorporate knives into foreplay. Good luck, Pachi!
Peter keeps saying that Victoria “fights” for their love, and he must mean that literally, because that’s all they actually do. Peter, I know you think this is going to translate into hot sex, but I worry that Victoria’s idea of adding “kink” to the bedroom involves choking you until you pass out and then stealing your identity and all of your credit cards. I’m just saying!
They spend the day taking scenic helicopter rides and hiking near waterfalls, and this is how I know she’s truly a psycho—because she dressed for a hike in booty shorts. It’s clear this woman has never had a thigh rub together in her entire life. Talk to me when you have real problems, Victoria.
VICTORIA: Once I’m invested in someone it’s game over. Literally. I ruin their marriages and set fire to their happiness. Lol I’m so random!
ME:
Back at the harem, Madi tells Hannah Ann about her ultimatum and once again, I don’t think she’s explaining this right. She’s like “I could never forgive him if he slept with someone else” as Hannah Ann tries to disintegrate into the couch cushions.
HANNAH ANN: So, if I tell her I slept with Peter she might leave and I’ll have a better chance of ending up with him?
ALSO HANNAH ANN: *stays completely silent*
I see right through you, girlfriend!
Hannah Ann during that whole conversation with Madison #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/kDxP2c8xL8
— Another Bachelor Account (@BachelorTweets4) February 25, 2020
I can’t believe Peter and Victoria are not going to acknowledge the ruined marriages elephant in the room. They keep dancing around the topic but he hasn’t out-right confronted her about the homewrecking rumors, and I hate that. I get that for legal reasons they probably can’t get into the whole scandal, and I’m sure those wronged women don’t want to be further humiliated on national television, but all of this vagueness is pissing me off.
Peter keeps saying he believes Victoria’s side of things and it’s like, what else do you believe Peter? That there’s a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow?? Honestly, the only thing more toxic than this relationship is the water in my Keurig tank. Open your eyes, man!
Victoria says that in her past relationships she didn’t feel “good enough” and I would imagine it’s hard not to feel that way when your boyfriend goes back to his wife. Apparently, this is all Peter needs to hear to forgive Victoria for acting like a sociopath in Virginia Beach. They head to their fantasy suite and I’m half expecting him to take her to the exact room he slept with Hannah Ann in. I mean, they’re all sharing a girls’ suite, so why not a boom-boom room too?
Cut to the next morning, and Peter is looking at Victoria like she is the first girl to ever teach him about him about the male g-spot. Honestly, she looks like the type who’d be into male anal play. It’s that twinkle in her eye.
Madison’s Date
Moving on! Last up, we have Madison, and I love the strategic placement of this date. Peter went from being lightly choked the night before to whatever wholesome adventure Madi has in store from him today.
Um, MADISON. Does The Lord approve of this crop top? Peter’s hands are dangerously close to that millimeter of skin you’re showing. What would Chad say?!
I love how every other fantasy date has involved activities that require bikinis and short shorts, and meanwhile Madison is wearing a suit that covers every inch of visible skin. Subtle, ABC.
Okay, WHAT. She’ll hike up this creaky ladder thousands of feet in the air but she won’t put out?? Clearly, her priorities are mixed up. Production must be hoping an adrenaline rush will jumpstart her libido or something. Nice try, ABC!
Fast-forward to the dinner portion of the evening, and Madison finally tells Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Peter visibly gulps when he hears the news. You can tell he was wishing she was just super jealous or something and insecure about him sleeping with other women.
She says that she wouldn’t feel comfortable getting engaged to a man who has slept around with other women. Her speech comes off very well-spoken and logical. While I’m sure it’s gotten her a lot of fans on social media, this whole thing feels very manipulative to me. Look, I’m not saying you can’t be a virgin until marriage or that there’s anything wrong with having these morals and standards for your significant other, but then don’t go on this show. It’s not fair to Peter or the process. And certainly don’t wait to spill all of this information until Peter has no one left but a Sonic waitress and the most hated woman in Virginia Beach. No one wants their boyfriend sleeping with other women a week before they get engaged, BUT THAT IS THIS SHOW. Welcome to Mike Fleiss’ hellscape! This is what you signed up for!
Moreover, she didn’t clearly explain ANY of this to Peter during that last rose ceremony. You can’t say something isn’t an ultimatum and then take it back when you don’t get your way. I think if he knew the virgin thing he wouldn’t have been “intimate” with the others, but he didn’t have the context for her demands.
Holy sh*t. Madison walks out of dinner and Peter starts openly weeping. You can tell he’s wishing he never let Victoria F stick that finger up his butt last night. He goes out to go comfort a crying Madi and there is far too much forehead touching for my comfort levels.
Was it worth it, Peter? Was it?!
Madi’s like “I can’t change who I am! I can’t change that I have a hymen!” And she’s right. She can’t change that she’s a virgin or that she has these standards in place for herself. But there’s no place for that on this den of sin otherwise known as The Bachelor, OKAY.
Things end on a rocky note, with Madison leaving a tearful Peter to contemplate his life decisions. You can tell he’s wondering if missionary in the dark with Hannah Ann or climaxing at gunpoint with Victoria F was really worth sacrificing the one relationship he actually cared about. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how that cookie crumbles. Until then, kids!
Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @bachelortweets4 /Twitter (1);
At long last, we’re nearing the end of Peter’s season of The Bachelor. It’s been a season jam-packed with drama, but not for the better. In the past seven weeks, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, and we’ve prayed for it to be over. While we’re still waiting to see if he proposes to one of his contestants or ends up with a producer, it’s time to start looking ahead at better things to come, namely, who will be the next Bachelorette.
It will be a few months before The Bachelorette premieres, but filming will likely start within the next few weeks, so it’s time to think about who could be tapped as the star. The pickings from the current season are pretty slim, so this could be a chance for ABC to get a little creative, but they’ve let us down before. So let’s run down all the logical possibilities for the next Bachelorette, because we all need something to look forward to.
Hannah Ann or Madison
As of right now, both of these women are still in the running on Peter’s season, but they would both be logical choices for The Bachelorette if they don’t win. They both have a ton of followers on Instagram, have generally avoided making themselves villains this season, and are bland enough that ABC wouldn’t be freaked out about giving them a show. I think messy queen Victoria F is a little too toxic at this point, even though I think she would be a beautiful disaster on this show.
Personally, I really hope they don’t go with Madison, because I can’t watch another season where they pretend that being a virgin is a personality. It was one thing with Colton just being like, shy or whatever, but are they really gonna find Madi 30 dudes who are down to wait for marriage? Seems unlikely.
Kelsey
Despite being pretty heavily involved in the drama this season, it seems like Kelsey is still on the producers’ radar. In Reality Steve’s rundown of what happened at the Women Tell All taping last week, he said that Kelsey’s hot seat interview came off like a “Bachelorette audition.” The tidbit about Ashley I giving her champagne and praising her for being open with her emotions is actually so funny. Like, does Ashley really have nothing better to do?
Kelsey on the hot seat talked about her journey, her being very emotional, seemed like a "Bachelorette" audition, & Ashley I came out of the audience and gave Kelsey a giant bottle champagne and praised her for being open w/ her emotions.
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) February 22, 2020
Similar to Madison and Hannah Ann, Kelsey would be an easy, generic choice, but I don’t feel like the fans actually love her that much? Like, with Hannah B and Becca, both of them were pretty big fan favorites from The Bachelor, and honestly, I’m just not sure this season really has any favorites.
Kelley
Kelley seemed like one of the few women from this season who would’ve actually made a good Bachelorette, but it’s probably not gonna happen. In the Women Tell All spoilers, Reality Steve said that Kelley wasn’t even invited, and they made no mention of her during the show. That seems super weird to me, but clearly something happened between Kelley and whoever makes the decisions. Maybe they weren’t happy about how she steered clear of drama in the house, but it’s too bad that one of the only functional adults who has a real job won’t be the Bachelorette.
Demi
I’ve seen this rumor tossed around on the internet, and whether it’s true at all or not, it’s really fun to think about. The Bachelor has always been painfully heterosexual, and Demi’s relationship with Kristian last year on Paradise was unlike anything that the franchise had ever seen before. Now that they broke up, a season with Demi as the next Bachelorette would be an amazing opportunity to mix things up—it’s 2020, for god’s sake! Plus, Demi also happens to be hilarious, and I think she’d be way more fun to watch than a lot of the other leads we’ve had.
That being said, do I think ABC will actually pull the trigger and make this happen? Sadly, no. I mean, it’s been 24 seasons and we still can’t get a Bachelor that’s not white, so the ABC execs would probably roll over in their graves if there was a ~bisexual~ woman running the show. You hate to see it.
Tayshia or Katie Morton
Much like Demi, both Tayshia and Katie left Paradise in relationships, but they didn’t last. All of these women from past seasons seem like way more dynamic, interesting personalities than anyone on Peter’s season, and one of them could bring a fun, fresh energy to the show. Also, they’re both in their late 20s, which would be a refreshing change of pace from all these 23-year-old pageant queens and Insta models. Combine that with this show’s desperate need for diversity, and Tayshia and Katie are exactly the women ABC should be considering.
Hannah Brown
Basically ever since she broke up with Jed, there have been rumors that Hannah Brown could come back for a second round as Bachelorette. Of course, that would be totally unprecedented, but audiences really love her, and she clearly likes being on TV. I never really thought this was going to happen, but it was an exciting prospect to consider. But this rumor was basically shut down a few days ago, when Hannah was added as a special guest star to several stops on the Dancing With The Stars live tour. The dates, in late March, are right in the middle of when The Bachelorette would be filming, so it’s not meant to be this year. Honestly, I feel like Hannah should probably take a little bit of a break from the Bachelor franchise, so I’m not sad about this. Maybe she’ll show up in Paradise this summer, who knows?
At this point, I would put my money on Madison, Hannah Ann, or Kelsey, because ABC is lame and they don’t usually go with the exciting casting option in these scenarios. But obviously we don’t know anything for sure yet, and we could still be surprised. Did I miss anyone that you really think would make a great Bachelorette? Let me know in the comments!
Images: ABC; Giphy; realitysteve / Twitter; dancingabc / Instagram
