With this week’s bombshell news that Tayshia Adams will be replacing Clare Crawley as the Bachelorette, it’s no surprise that this season is in a state of flux. After just 12 days of filming, Clare found true love, and she might even be engaged to Dale. Some sources say Tayshia called back some guys that Clare sent home, but it’s unclear if any of them actually made the trip back to Palm Springs. And this week, ABC released the most cryptic teasers ever, suggesting that this could really be (say it with me) the most dramatic season ever.
So what could possibly make this season just a little bit more dramatic? Well, in a turn of events that is very exciting to me personally, Hannah Ann Sluss has been spotted on the property. That’s right, according to a report from Us Weekly, Bachelor Nation’s resident supermodel has arrived at the resort where filming is taking place. I thought she would be upset about not even being the backup Bachelorette, but what if she’s the backup-backup Bachelorette?? Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself, but let’s go over what we know so far.
Hannah Ann rolled up to the La Quinta Resort on Tuesday, and Us Weekly’s photos show her arriving with a big-ass suitcase. I’m no model, but that doesn’t look like the kind of suitcase you bring if you’re only staying for a night or two. Then again, maybe she just overpacks. In another photo, Hannah Ann is wearing a mask and talking to another woman, who is reported to be Bachelor producer Julie LaPlaca. If you recall, Julie is the producer who people (myself included) thought Peter Weber was dating at the end of his season (yes, that happened this year; no, time isn’t real).
Hannah Ann has arrived on #TheBachelorette set with a large suitcase. So, she must not be there just to give Tayshia advice. 🤔#TheBachelor #BachelorNation pic.twitter.com/AqIIO6hCWj
— The Chris Harrison Show (@RosesTearsDrama) August 5, 2020
So, based on this evidence, Hannah Ann seems to be involved in filming in some way. But how?? In the past, it’s been pretty common for some past Bachelor Nation peeps to come back and give the lead some advice. That could be what’s happening here, but I’m not convinced. First of all, and I mean this as nicely as possible, but who the f*ck would take relationship advice from Hannah Ann? I don’t think Pete should have proposed to her in the first place, but come on, that relationship isn’t a shining beacon of success. And besides that, do Hannah Ann and Tayshia even know each other? They follow each other on Instagram, and there’s a chance they’ve met IRL, but Tayshia surely has closer BN friends who could come help her out, right?
Also, with quarantine rules theoretically in place, it seems like a lot of work to drive out to Palm Springs and quarantine just so you can attend a group date and give some mediocre advice after. Taking into account the large suitcase, what if Hannah Ann is planning on staying for a while? They’ve already essentially thrown out the rulebook for this season, so who knows what twists could lie ahead? Two Bachelorettes at once? It could happen—in fact, it’s happened before.
But Hannah Ann’s arrival at The Bachelorette’s desert palace isn’t the only thing we need to talk about, because there are also rumors that Becca Kufrin is there. There isn’t specific photo proof like there is with Hannah Ann, but IG account @bachdetective has matched up details from several of her recent photos with the resort where filming is taking place. There’s a door, a window, some flooring, and perhaps most telling, a green wristband that resort guests have to wear (the same account also spotted Hannah Ann wearing the green bracelet yesterday). Those details could easily mean nothing, but I’m not not intrigued. BECCA, WHAT IS THE TRUTH?
Did Becca really dump Garrett? Is she back for another chance at finding love?? What if there’s like… a whole group of Bachelorettes??? At this point, I’m basically turning into a Bachelorette conspiracy theorist, but really, how else should I be spending my time right now? Based on recent social media posts, Hannah Ann and Becca both still had their phones yesterday, but if they go silent on Instagram, we’ll really know something is up. Until then, I guess I’ll just frantically refresh Reality Steve’s Twitter feed every 10 minutes in case I miss anything.
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; rosestearsdrama / Twitter; bachdetective / Instagram
I tell you, the quarantine has brought out the best and the worst in people. And by “people” I’m not talking about your crazy Aunt Cheryl’s return to Facebook, I’m talking about the plague upon humanity that is Bachelor Nation. I think it’s safe to say I’m always talking about The Bachelor, mmkay? While the most exciting thing in our day-to-day lives has been getting dressed up to take the dog out to poop three times a day, ABC’s children of the corn have been treating quarantine like their own personal PR playground. They heard “pandemic” and instead of thinking of new ways to relax and reset, they’re out here finding new and creative ways to stay relevant even though absolutely no one asked them to. So, without further ado, here are the thirstiest people in Bachelor Nation right now, who really need to do less.
Chad Johnson
Am I surprised that Chad Johnson is using this pandemic to extend his 15 minutes of fame? No, not at all. Do I want to see it, though? Also no, not at all. Surprisingly, Chad isn’t pulling the move I thought he would and starting Twitter fights with a new person in Bachelor Nation every two days, but he is promoting his OnlyFans real hard. It’s apparently now free, which I think kind of defeats the purpose of having an OnlyFans?
Just made a new FREE OnlyFans account! Check it out! 😈https://t.co/n6G9BInqoY
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) April 2, 2020
He also apparently bought domain names for various Bachelor alums. He really is the Martin Shkreli of Bachelor Nation. I’m not going to click any of the links, because I don’t want to give Chad the satisfaction, but I would imagine they just redirect to his OnlyFans page.
Who has a better website? Kelsey Weier? Chase Mcnary? Hannah Ann? Or Derek Peth? Or Robby Hayes? Personally I like all of them.https://t.co/2S2HD0fvB3https://t.co/xSDBBKrqrDhttps://t.co/uogKYUt3Jshttps://t.co/nAKMFtiPPrhttps://t.co/tmHxuN1WLn#TheBachelor
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) March 18, 2020
You guys: Say OnlyFans again.
Me:
Clare Crawley
Poor Clare. America’s favorite spinster was just a few weeks away from finding her happy ending with all of those post-Bachelorette sponsorships, when the world shut down due to a global pandemic. If that’s not the most Clare thing to ever happen to a person, then I don’t know what is. But Clare has been staying strong and clinging to her relevance harder than I’ve been clinging to the idea that I still have 4th of July plans. When COVID first hit and ABC announced that her season would be postponed, she took to Twitter to reignite a feud with her Bachelor ex Juan Pablo. More recently, Clare hopped on Instagram to announce that she still has the dress she was dumped in on national television six years ago. That would be special if I didn’t 100% believe all contestants are contractually obligated to keep those for 10 years after their season is over lest ABC miss an opportunity to exploit the most painful and humiliating moment of their life for their own personal gain.
While I appreciate Clare’s efforts to remain relevant, her tactics just feel tired. Starting sh*t with your ex from six years ago on a public platform? Posting about your hoe clothes from the past?? These are things I would have done in college, and all it earned me was pitying looks from my sorority’s Safety and Wellness chair.
Hannah Ann Sluss
I feel for Hannah Ann, I really do. She did all the right things while competing for Peter’s heart. She laughed at all of his jokes, she cried when she was supposed to, she let Peter talk her into recreating that scene from Titanic during their Fantasy Suite date, and she didn’t even look repulsed when Peter’s mom called Pachi post-coitus. She was denied the coveted Bachelorette spot and now it’s looking like Paradise might be out for her too. This was supposed to be her time to shine!! How is she supposed to get modeling gigs that aren’t for off-brand shapewear or a Denny’s menu if she isn’t able to capitalize off her Bachelor fame?? And so this is why I forgive her for staging her own paparazzi shots during a global pandemic. I’ve seen more stories online about Hannah Ann being “spotted” in LA than I have articles from the CDC about proper hand washing. When she’s not being “caught” out and about it in a full face of contour, she’s been blowing up the TikTok scene with cringey dance routines that feature her favorite famous friends. Honestly, I hope this strategy works for her. She deserves to get something out of her relationship with Peter other than just time served.
Pilot Pete
Guys, I’m worried about Peter. There, I’ve said it! After failing to make it work with 25+ of America’s Next Top Instagram Models, getting engaged, breaking off that engagement, getting a girlfriend for two hours, and breaking up that relationship because his mommy told him to, he’s been struggling. While most Bachelor/ette leads come off their season with shiny new engagements (or at least shiny, new spon-con deals), Pilot Pete’s biggest announcement as of late is that he’s moving out of his parent’s basement. Maybe. Probably. If he can get them to co-sign his lease after the pandemic ends. You can tell he might be at his breaking point by the way he’s been acting out on TikTok recently. Peter’s TikTok activity ranges from mild cringiness to straight-up I’m calling his mother. Honestly, I’m worried for him. Barb, can we get a wellness check up in here??
Hannah Brown + Tyler C
I’m just going to come out and say this because we’ve all been thinking it: The Quarantine Crew is blasphemous. There is actually nothing more offensive to me than a bunch of hot singles flaunting their hotness and proximity to a Florida timeshare while the rest of us consider which old underwear to use when we need to wipe our asses after the TP stockpile runs empty. For the past several weeks now, Hannah and Tyler C have been living their best lives down in Florida in what appears to be some sort of harem situation. At best, their social distancing can be described as a deleted scene from Spring Breakers; at worst, something the CDC definitely referenced in their Powerpoint of what not to do during their last White House briefing. Either way, out of respect for those of us who are subsisting on a diet of Kraft cheese slices and Franzia and who haven’t breathed fresh air since February, they need to cut that sh*t out and save their antics for when Mike Fliess can profit off it, mmkay?
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; @hannahann_fanpage /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @thequarantinecrew /Instagram (1); @jessclarke_ /Instagram (1); @usweekly /Instagram (1)
If you’re reading this right now, you’re probably bored at home. Honestly, I’m feeling pretty content with my social distancing situation right now, but we already know that not all celebrities are actually following the rules. But there are plenty of celebs who are staying at home right now, and I applaud them! But they’re obviously just as bored as the rest of us, and it’s causing a crisis of a different kind: they’re all joining TikTok.
Celebrities have been getting on TikTok since last year, to varying degrees of delight and cringe. Megan Thee Stallion twerking? I love it—can’t get enough. But for many of the other famous non-teenagers trying to stay relevant, the content is just not it. In this period of having so much time on our hands, let’s take a look at some of the celebs who might need to find a different hobby.
Howie Mandel
@officialhowiemandelRubber Glove Challenge ##rubberglovechallenge ##newchallenge ##nostalgia ##og ##howiemandel ##fyp♬ Hey You There – Soulja Boy Tell’em
As surprising as this may sound, Howie Mandel is not new to TikTok. He was an early adopter last year, and he has millions of followers. Good for him, but I’m sorry, I just don’t need to see an adult man trying to fit his entire head into a rubber glove. Watching this made me viscerally uncomfortable, and that’s not the kind of content I need in my life right now. Also, aren’t we supposed to be saving the gloves for healthcare professionals? Howie, please do less.
Hannah Ann Sluss
@hannahannslussCan I be your ##1 babyyyyy!?! @baskinchampion @aloyoga ##foryoupage ##fyp ##tiktok ##bestfriend ##kisses♬ Young Thug – Relationship (feat. Future) – oouumanii_
Of course Hannah Ann is on TikTok, and of course the videos are obnoxious. She’s posted two different videos doing this dance with different friends this week, which makes it seem like she’s probably not properly socially distancing. But more interestingly, the other woman in this video is Baskin Champion, who’s best known for having an extremely brief fling with Justin Bieber exactly two years ago. I f*cking hate that I knew that without even looking it up, but that’s just how my brain works.
Madison Prewett
@madiprewattempt number 1.. ##socialdistancing ##beach ##dancechallenge ##canttouchthis ##xyzbca ##fyp♬ original sound – madiprew
Misery loves company, and Hannah Ann isn’t the only Bachelor finalist trying too hard on TikTok these days. Madi has been struggling to learn a TikTok dance on a beach this week, so she should probably just cut her losses and go inside. Just last week, she was hanging out with Selena Gomez, but Selena clearly declined to be featured in Madi’s mediocre TikToks. Good choice, Selena.
Hailey Bieber
@haileybieberwe finally joined the tik tok world! we tried 🤷🏼♀️♬ 2livesounds – 2live.d
This might be the most troubling celebrity TikTok of all. So far, Hailey Bieber has only posted one video, of her and Justin Bieber doing a dance. Justin looks like he’d rather be licking the pavement in Italy than doing this video, and I feel the same way about watching it. I really need to know how many times Justin’s publicist begged him to do a TikTok, because this feels incredibly forced. We’ll see how many more videos Hailey forces him to do before we’re allowed to go outside, but I won’t be following this cursed content.
Melissa Gorga
@melissagorgaLove this song💕 ##sayso ##foryoupage ##quarentine♬ Say So – Doja Cat
More and more Real Housewives have been turning to TikTok in these dark times, and whatever, why not. When RHONJ star Melissa Gorga posted a video with her whole family earlier this week, I thought it was cute! Her kids are totally adorable, and I always love a Joe Gorga appearance. But now, it appears that Melissa has gone fully stir crazy, and is just posting lame dance videos like everyone else. To put it in Melissa’s own words, “STOP HURTING US.”
Ashley Tisdale
@ashleytisdaleMy work out while on Self Quarantine. I can’t believe I remembered it 😝♬ original sound – ashbash2425
Ashley Tisdale has been on TikTok for a few months, and whatever, she’s having fun. But this video of her doing High School Musical choreography really sent me over the edge. The problem here is that she says in the caption that “I can’t believe I remembered it,” but none of us are buying this. You know Ashley has been waiting YEARS to bust this choreography out to get some clout, so this is a literal dream for her! While Gabriella is over on IG Live getting herself canceled, Sharpay is totally cashing in on TikTok—good for her, I guess.
Hannah Brown
@hannahkbrownTHE CLOSEST* Tyler has ever gotten to getting in my pants. ##fyp ##fliptheswitch ##lifeathome @katedooley0 @olivia.faria @tylerjcameron3♬ Nonstop – Drake
As anyone with a working internet connection knows by now, Hannah and Tyler are currently with approximately six other people practicing some questionable social distancing in Florida. No one is cashing in on the quarantine clout more than Hannah and Tyler, who have gone from being secretive to flaunting their maybe-relationship in a matter of days. I really can’t with these group TikToks, because they just feel so thirsty. But really, I guess that’s the whole point of celebrities being on TikTok. Whatever, call me when they’re officially dating.
Which celebrities have been keeping you sane—or making you lose your mind—on TikTok? There is truly so much content happening right now, and I’m desperate for anything that won’t make me want to throw my phone out the window.
Images: Getty Images; TikTok
Thankfully, the dumpster fire that was Peter’s season of The Bachelor is over. Which makes it the third consecutive season of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette to not end in an engagement. Which is the entire point of the show. Guys? Hate to tell you this, but forcing 20 women to live in one house and sleep with the same guy in exchange for FabFitFun sponsorships is actually just a brothel and it’s not legal in California. You might need to rethink the show premise because it’s obviously not working. After Peter strung along/screwed over/kept Hannah Ann as the backburner bitch, he did the biggest favor of her life and brutally dumped her on national TV. But that’s okay, because Hannah Ann still has plenty of years left to be screwed over by men before she finds a decent one to settle down with. Unfortunately for Hannah Ann, she will not be the next Bachelorette, but I’m sure she’ll still get to sell us some FitTea regardless.
In fact, as a model, Hannah Ann does a lot of ads for brands. In digging into Hannah Ann’s random modeling past, we found a little something. One in particular you’ll know well if you’ve seen The Real Housewives of New York, in fact. (And if you haven’t, you should watch it all immediately, because it’s way better reality TV than The Bachelor!)
That’s right, guys! Hannah Ann modeled for…
For those of you living under a rock, a couple seasons ago, Dorinda straight-up ruined Luann’s cabaret performance by enthusiastically and drunkenly shrieking “JOVANI” throughout the entire show. But that’s not why I have an issue with this ad from Hannah Ann (seriously, what random brand has she not modeled for at this point?).
It’s the absolutely insane editing. 
What kind of waist is this???? It’s like they just cut big gaping holes into her sides. She looks like a literal stick figure. Once again, rib cages are too unsexy for the female body. To compare, here’s what Hannah Ann’s actual body looks like, obviously give or take five years.
The thing is, the Jovani edit is so bad that it doesn’t even make the clothes look good. Like, look at this dress, it’ll make you look sunken in and straight as a board? I don’t understand!
Like, Hannah Ann is ALREADY an extremely thin girl/model! I also think it’s funny that they kept her legs/arms/hips all the exact same and just mutilated her waist. And then Hannah Ann saw this ad and thought, “Yup that’s me!” and posted it on her Instagram.
Sorry, Hannah Ann. Not only were you strung along and dumped by a douchebag who had a pad taped to his face for half the season, but you were done dirty by none other than Jovvaaaaaannnniii. Please find solace in the fact that at least you’re not as dumb as Madison, who’s currently stuck with him, and that Peter’s family definitely loves you more than him now. Let’s all just repeatedly watch my personal favorite part of the season where Peter, who is supposedly a pilot and should be somewhat coordinated, tried to get into a golf cart and manage to smash his own face into a glass he was holding:
Legit the best part of the entire show.
Hannah Ann, I hope you find better modeling gigs from this where you’re not edited into Stick Stickly, PO Box 963. New York City, New York state, 10108.
At least Hannah Ann has thousands of dollars worth of Revolve clothes to comfort her.
Watch Peter smash his face again here! I swear it makes me feel so much better about the season. Someone send it to Barb!
Images: ABC/Eric McCandless; @hannahann / Instagram (2); Tenor; Giphy (2)
Good morning, Bachelor Nation—that is, everyone except Peter and Barb. I’m sure you’re all still reeling from last night’s finale, which somewhat succeeded in being unspoilable, but equally succeeded in being totally anticlimactic. Like, if I wanted to commit to 10 weeks of seeing the same people, only for them to end up going on one date after this, I’d just redownload a dating app onto my phone. Now, PLEASE DO NOT READ AHEAD IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS. Tbh, I feel like after a show airs live, there is no such thing as being “spoiled” anymore, but some of you have jobs/can’t watch The Bachelor live/are sensitive, so consider this my due diligence.
Last night, Peter took a page out of Arie’s playbook and dumped his final pick (Hannah Ann) to get back with his runner-up (Madison). Ya hate to see it. Hannah Ann, despite not being old enough to legally rent a car yet, surprisingly handled the situation with a hell of a lot of grace and maturity, which is more than I can say of every murder plot I’ve devised in my head for the strangers on the subway (whom I will never encounter again) who take their sweet-ass time boarding the train, knowing full well that there is a sea of people behind them, and the doors close in three seconds. Anyway!
Hannah Ann appeared on the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast with Rachel Lindsay and Becca Kufrin to talk about the ending to the ~most dramatic season ever~ (it may have finally lived up to the hype this time), and oh boy, did she hold back no punches, especially towards Peter. She also spoke about #ChampagneGate, the Finasco Fiasco, and of course, why Peter ain’t sh*t (my words, not hers).
On Champagnegate
By now I think we all realize that the infamous champagne theft was completely producer orchestrated. “I was completely blindsided by it and I didn’t know how to handle it,” Hannah Ann tells Becca and Rachel, adding ,”in the end, Kelsey and i were able to put aside our differences and become friends.” Hannah Ann claims she was trying to be as logical as possible and be like, “hey I didn’t steal your champagne,” but that came off the wrong way to some viewers.
On Finasco
Hannah Ann jokes about her whole finasco slip of the tongue, saying, “In the moment I said that, and I had no idea that I even like, spoke. That’s not even a word I had used in the past, I don’t know where that came from.” Honestly, been there literally every time I record a podcast. (Maybe I should see a doctor?) But then Rachel asks Hannah if she does, in fact, know the correct word, and it basically goes like this:
Rachel: You do know the right word, right?
Hannah Ann: yes.
Rachel: …
Hannah Ann: …
Rachel: Fiasco.
So does Hannah Ann know the actual right word for fiasco? The jury’s still out on this one…
On Madison’s Ultimatum
Hannah Ann claims she had no idea about Madison’s ultimatum (which she doesn’t necessarily even consider an ultimatum, saying, “she was doing what’s best for her”), and assumed she and Peter had talked about their values before the Fantasy Suites. She says, “I knew she had certain lifestyle values that didn’t line up with Peter’s, but I assumed they’d had the conversation before.” Ya, like kind of how we all thought that certainly you wouldn’t wait that long to spring something so crucial on someone. But alas, we were all wrong!
She also says she was taken aback by the whole situation, but didn’t really want to focus on it too much, because, “I was just wanting to focus on me and him and not let anything distract me from that.” You can say what you want about Hannah Ann, but from the beginning, she was focused on one thing and one thing only: Peter. Even when it earned her Luke P comparisons. The girl is focused.
On Madison Leaving Early
Now, this is the part where things start to get good, and in the same vein, where Peter starts to get shady. Grab your kettle, the tea is being warmed up. (Sorry.) Hannah Ann says she had no idea that Madison had left early, and that Peter totally minimized how unsure he was going into his engagement, as well as his feelings for Madison.
“It was completely downplayed,” she says. “He didn’t give me the courtesy or respect to have a sit-down conversation: hey this is what’s going on with me, this is where my headspace is at, let’s talk this through.” She says that Peter “just told me that very quickly and downplayed it and then immediately went to ‘but my heart chooses you, you’re the love of my life, I wanna spend forever with you.'” And, I mean, we all saw how he began his engagement speech by saying “Madison”. This tracks.
I ABSOLUTELY just thought Peter called Hannah Ann “Madison” and my soul left my body #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/vw53SNAo8f
— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) March 11, 2020
We all totally thought he pulled a Ross Geller for a second, don’t even lie.
On Getting Dumped
Listening to Hannah Ann’s interview (and yes, I’m taking it with a slight grain of salt because hindsight is 2020), I’m impressed with how perceptive she seems to be. When asked why she took so long to get to the rose ceremony, and almost didn’t show, she says, “My instincts were telling me I wasn’t getting all the information I needed to make a decision with Peter.” Hannah Ann may be not a girl, not yet a woman, but in this case, the woman’s intuition was spot-on.
She admits, “Should I have stayed on that bed in Australia? Absolutely. But I wasn’t going to give up on someone that I loved, and the last words he told me on our last chance date was that he was going to make the best decision for both of us, and to trust him.”
Hmmm, where have I heard that before? Oh right, every relationship with a f*ckboy I’ve ever been in. *Slaps self across the cheek* You’re right, this isn’t about me.
She says that, “I think in the end he took advantage of the fact that he conveniently left out very important information prior to me making a commitment with him.” Basically, Peter wasn’t honest about how conflicted he was feeling, but rushed ahead with the engagement anyway. I know there’s a ton of pressure on the show to propose, but it still wasn’t fair to Hannah Ann.
Hannah Ann adds, “He downplayed his feelings towards Madison completely, and even after our breakup he couldn’t really own up to it.” Apparently, Peter went so far as to reach out to Hannah Ann’s parents, but only to say that “basically he was struggling processing all his emotions.” Umm, yeah, I’ll say! That’s like saying you have a little case of the sniffles when you really are coronavirus patient zero. Hannah Ann says of Peter’s excuses to her parents, “It was very vague. He speaks half-truths. And so while I’m watching the season I’m like, why we broke up makes a whole lot more sense, because he couldn’t really own up to how he was truly feeling.”
This is, apparently, a common theme with Peter. A guy who gave up his career to compete for fame on a reality TV show, shady? Well, I never!
On The Timing Of The Breakup
Basically, Hannah Ann and Peter stayed together through January, but when the season started airing was when their relationship began to unravel—not coincidentally, because that was when Peter’s half-truths started coming to light for the nation (including Hannah Ann) to see.
She says, ” beginning of January was when he approached me that he needed to speak with Hannah Brown. That’s the first red flag. He told me he needed to talk to Hannah Brown because he needed closure and was trying to convince me I should feel comfortable with that. And I’m like, why do you need closure?” What Hannah Ann didn’t know at that time, was that Peter needed closure because he low-key invited Hannah B. back into the Bachelor mansion. Hannah Ann says before that, she’d never known about the group date, or seen Hannah B. ugly cry on the couch. But once she watched it, it all made sense.
Peter never did get that “closure” because about a week later, he and Hannah Ann broke up, which was at the very end of January. The crazy part about it is that Hannah Ann says, “We actually had talked that morning that we weren’t gonna break up, we were gonna work through it.” Yikes. I mean, at least Peter didn’t follow her around a house trying to browbeat her into forgiveness, but this is like, only marginally better.
And, back to Peter never really giving the whole story, the reason he gave Hannah Ann for the breakup was that, similarly to what he told her parents, “he was having trouble processing his emotions.” Like, dude. You weren’t having trouble processing your emotions. You were having trouble feeling emotions toward your fiancée. Let’s call a spade a spade.
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We love you Hannah Ann and all of your random modeling jobs🌹 by: @dylanhafer #thebachelor
Hannah Ann reiterates, “Peter does not own up to the full truth—just like on our engagement day. He knew that if he told me the full extent of where his heart and head was at that entire week, he knew that the outcome would have been different. He knew that when we sat down and had an open, honest conversation, my instincts would have picked up on that he was not ready for a commitment. And that’s not what he wanted.”
Yeah, Peter just went full steam ahead because he wanted to put that ring on somebody’s finger, identity be damned.
In what might be my favorite quote ever, Hannah Ann says that Peter “was consistently inconsistent.” I love it. The accuracy. The poetry. The parallel structure. I’m putting this on a sticker. Honestly, Madison, good luck.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel for Hannah Ann, though. For one, she’ll absolutely kill it on Paradise, and who knows? Maybe four years from now, ABC will tote her out of the shadows to make her the Bachelorette. But she does say that Peter’s f*ckery “really helped me move forward because I deserve more than someone half-loving me. I deserve 100%.” Claps all around. Hannah Ann deserves the world, or at least, a Revolve modeling contract.
If you made it through this absolute novel, congrats! To hear more of what Hannah Ann said, listen to the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast below.
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; BrettSVergara / Twitter; thebetchelor / Instagram (2); Giphy (2)
Presented by Skinnypop
Welcome back to my own personal hellscape night two of The Bachelor season finale! Last night was a whirlwind of emotions—and I’m not just talking about Barb’s religious experience after downing a bottle of pinot. Peter started out the episode with two hot, semi-legal brunettes to choose from, but by the end of the two hours, Madison had tapped out completely and left Peter to cry softly into his sparkling cider. I’m not sure what scared her away more: Peter’s family trying to explain the male g-spot to her over omelets or finding out or that Peter is apparently the dancing queen over at the local discoteca. It’s a real toss-up.
Which brings us to tonight: Hannah Ann is the last woman standing and Peter seems about as excited about it as someone who is about to undergo a colonoscopy in the morning. At one point he even tells Hannah Ann that despite incorporating a reenactment of The Titanic into their foreplay during the fantasy suites, their tepid night together just isn’t going to cut it; he’s also in love with Madison.
But before we get into that, ABC brings us back to the live taping, where Chris Harrison makes a point to acknowledge Kelley in the crowd. I’m sorry, but WHAT. ABC has to be trolling us because the internet thinks they end up together… right? RIGHT?! Whatever the case, I’m just glad ABC finally let Kelley out of her cage. Happy for you, girl!
Meanwhile, back in Australia, Peter is desperately trying to talk himself and Neil Lane into this proposal. He’s like “I love her! I think. Probably. YES! I love her! I do!”
NEIL LANE, PROBABLY:
Peter, buddy, I mean this with love, but you sound unhinged.
Okay, is that Hannah Ann’s proposal dress?? At first I thought that was just a very fashion-forward robe over some bridal lingerie, but that’s the whole look? That’s it?!
Though Hannah Ann went through the process of getting dressed and getting full glam, she declares that she’s emotionally drained and doesn’t feel like going to the rose ceremony before collapsing on her bed. These are things I say at 8:01 every morning when I debate if I actually need my day job to clothe and feed my dog. These are not things you should say right before you’re supposed to get engaged!!
Peter is down at the proposal spot, dressed in a dashing blue suit that I’m sure Barb picked out for him while stroking his hair and holding him at gunpoint until he agreed to marry Hannah Ann in the first place. He’s playing “Eye of the Tiger” on repeat in his right now, when Chris Harrison tells him that he isn’t sure Hannah Ann is coming to the rose ceremony anymore. HAHAHA. Guys, I just almost peed myself. This is priceless. I can’t. Also, I can’t say that I’m really surprised. This is what happens when you pick a woman so young they haven’t had to commit to a rental car yet, let alone a lifetime with one man.
In the end, Hannah Ann decides to show up to her own engagement. She heard there would be free booze, after all. Do we feel like maybe Chris Harrison only told Peter that to drum up a little extra drama to this otherwise boring engagement? Maybe she was running a little late, Chris? Did you ever think about that!!
Chris is like “welcome, Hannah Ann, what great timing you have” and it’s like, yeah Peter was only about to throw himself off a bridge, but good that you made it!
You can tell Hannah Ann is fully prepared to get dumped today. She’s looking at him like she’d like him to hurry up please, boarding for her flight starts in an hour. To be fair, he hasn’t told her that Madison left yet and that he literally has no other options, save that rabid kangaroo in the background.
Peter starts off his proposal strong by saying Madison’s name first. Oof. Peter! Her name is Hannah Ann, repeat after me.
God this proposal is the least romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my life. He’s like “well, Madison left, and you already let me put it in, so… you’re in I guess!” Wow. Swoon.
The happy couple! For about 5 more minutes! #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/xcbstsRvTD
— Ria (@BarstoolRia) March 11, 2020
Back To The Real World
After the proposal, Peter arrives back in L.A. where his first stop is to his parents’ house so he can deliver the news of his engagement. He’s like, “I listened to every word you said, but then Madison left anyways so it didn’t really matter in the end!” Yes, that’s accurate.
Guys, Barb’s reaction to finding out Peter chose Hannah Ann is about as healthy as my reaction was when I found out the Sprouse twins had opened a meadery in Williamsburg. I think she may have just ruptured my eardrum with those shrieks.
A month later Hannah Ann and Peter are finally reunited for the first time since Australia. Now that his parents aren’t in the room and he finally got accepted on Raya, he doesn’t seem as excited to be engaged. I’m very confused by what is happening on my television screen rn. Is he braking up with her? Peter has Hannah Ann physically draped over his body like the blanket his abuela knit him for Christmas last year, but then tells her he isn’t sure if he still loves her.
HANNAH ANN: I would stand by you even if it kills me
Kills you, Hannah Ann? This is killing ME. ABC has only been slowly eeking the life force out of me for the last 10 weeks, while you just learned that “finasco” is not a real word yesterday. But, sure, tell me all about how this process has been killing you.
Peter keeps talking about how he’s been “battling” with everything over this past month and it’s like, dude, you’re not trying to bring peace to the Middle East, you’re just trying to feel less guilty about jacking off to Madison in the shower whilst being engaged to Hannah Ann. It’s not that serious.
I think it’s clear at this point that Peter is probably going to dump Hannah Ann, and she is not having it. She may have forgotten to shower for the last six days and had her dry shampoo taken at customs, but she WILL still have her dignity.
Hannah Ann tells Peter that she’s been patient with him, she’s had faith in him, she’s stood by him, and he’s about to ruin her first engagement by dumping her a month later. I would lead troops to battle with this speech to rally behind. GO OFF, Hannah Ann.
I will say the cameraman capturing Barb’s facial expressions as she watches this entire scene play out at the live taping, is the true hero here. You, sir, deserve a medal.
Meanwhile, things aren’t going too well with Peter and Hannah Ann. You can tell he was hoping she wouldn’t put up much of a fight. He watched how Arie dumped Becca and all Becca did was cry in the corner! He shouldn’t have dumped a 23-year-old, though. She’s got more energy in one of her hair follicles than I have in my entire body, and the only time a man has ever disappointed her was when her Starbucks barista forgot to make her order a skinny. Watch out, Peter, she’s coming for your ass.
HANNAH ANN: 
I SAID YES AND I GET THIS. And then she waves the motherf*cking ring in his face!!! Guys, watching a former Chi Omega social chair roast a grown man over the flame of her ever burning hatred is putting YEARS back on my life. I have more energy, my skin feels clearer, my hair seems shinier. This is the America I want to live in.
PETER: *breathes*
THE LIVE AUDIENCE:
Hannah Ann flings the ring at Peter’s face and BARB CLAPS IN THE AUDIENCE. Why do I feel like Peter is no longer invited to his own family holidays? You can practically feel Barb’s hatred for her own son through the TV screen. She’s so pissed, I love it. You know this warranted a spanking when he got home.
“LEAVE.” THE HAND. I’M UNWELL.
Give that girl an Oscar because I have been thoroughly entertained. I didn’t think Hannah Ann had any of this in her, but damn. I’m impressed.
Hannah Ann Confronts Peter
In real time, Chris Harrison brings Hannah Ann out to the stage to finish skinning Peter alive with her words. He’s like “Peter, I know we just watched your entire life blow up, but what’s one more grenade to your happiness?” What’s one more grenade, indeed, Chris.
I know I’ve been ragging on Hannah Ann since literally day one, but I’m truly impressed with how she’s carried herself throughout this entire ordeal. I’m not sure if her agent is in the audience holding up cue cards with these zinger comebacks or what, but she is absolutely slaying this conversation right now.
PETER: *makes direct eye contact one time*
HANNAH ANN:
THAT’S CALLED BEING BLINDSIDED, PETER. Hannah Ann continues to fillet what’s left of Peter’s dignity in front of a live studio audience, and I’m living for this. I wish I could say that I feel bad for him even a little bit, but I don’t. When Hannah Ann said “I would defend you until it kills me” that’s kind of how I used to feel about Peter before watching this episode. Did he seem a little spineless to me throughout the season? You bet. But what man isn’t spineless? I genuinely thought he did a decent job of being the Bachelor and I was rooting for him—head wound and all!—throughout this entire season, but this is the first time I’m truly disappointed in him. He strung this girl along to pad his ego because he was feeling insecure after Madison left. Disgusting.
Chris Harrison gives Hannah Ann the final word, and boy, does she use it to her advantage. She tells Peter that if he wants to be with a woman then he needs to be a real man first and I. Am. SCREAMING.
Hannah Ann has ignited something in me this episode and I’m ready to round up all the men and burn them at the stake for their stupidity. Where you lead I will follow, bitch!
What About Madison Tho?
Now that Peter has been emotionally drawn and quartered for our viewing pleasure, Chris Harrison drops one more bomb on him: he went to visit Madison in Alabama a few weeks ago. Just casual! Nbd! Meanwhile, Peter looks like he’s about to soil himself on this stage if he gets one more surprise.
ABC starts rolling the footage from that visit and we get to watch Chris Harrison doing what he does best: being a messy bitch who lives for drama. The gleeful expression on his face as he trespasses on Madison’s front lawn is priceless.
Okay, Madison, if I didn’t hate you before, I certainly do now after that little “I couldn’t eat for weeks” comment. We get it, you’re tiny! STOP BRAGGING.
She says that she made a mistake and if she could do things over again she wouldn’t have made the same choices. This earns her a disgusted eye roll from Peter’s mom in the audience. Again, I say, that camera man is doing the lord’s work. Bless you, sir.
Chris fills Madi in on what’s been happening since she left The Bachelor. He tells her Peter did get engaged to Hannah Ann, but waits until Madi’s entire face crumples before telling her that Peter broke off said engagement two weeks later. This is what we call burying the lede, Chris! On the bright side, I think I now know the secret ingredient to Chris’s youthful skin: just a dab of the pain and misery of others. Really gives him that glow-and-get-‘em skin.
CHRIS HARRISON: Peter said it’s his dream to be engaged to you.
Wow, okay, Chris is really taking some liberties here because that’s not exactly what Peter said. I think what Peter actually said was something along the lines of, “I wish she was still here but I guess I’ll marry Hannah Ann instead.” But, sure, the dream thing too.
And just like that, Madi is heading off to L.A. to go get her Pachi! So, let me get this straight: she was so hurt by Peter sleeping with other women that she left the show because it didn’t sit right with her faith, but it’s cool that in the eyes of the lord he was ENGAGED to another woman before her? Cool, cool.
When Madi shows up in L.A. you can tell Peter is absolutely shocked to see her there. Not only did Madison have to sneak away from Chad and her youth group in the dead of night, but she also had to get past Peter’s front door without Barb seeing it on the door cam and calling the cops. That’s dedication.
Madison tells Peter that she hoped her feelings for him would go away, but Chris Harrison actually wouldn’t let that be possible. That’s sweet. I hope when they tell this story to their kids they don’t gloss over this manipulation part of it.
CHRIS HARRISON: Do you still love Madison?
PETER: ….yeah
So I guess their love story is going to consist of a series of half-hearted “yeahs”. Cool, cool.
“yeah” YEAH?! Say it with your chest Peter! Can I get a yes one time? #TheBachelor
— Ria (@BarstoolRia) March 11, 2020
With that ringing endorsement, Chris brings Madison out onto the stage. All Madison has to do is breathe and Barb is already heavily sighing and mouthing “I can’t” to her shame-face husband. God, I love Barb. She kills me.
Wait, so they haven’t seen each other since that day in L.A.? You’re telling me that this is the first time they’ve been in the same room since that last lingering forehead touch? Absolutely nothing has been resolved here? WHY AM I EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW I SWEAR TO GOD.
Chris asks what the next step is for the two of them and I don’t miss the look Peter sends his mother before answering. Listen, he can’t just make that decision on the spot, Chris! He has to run it by his mommy first, okay?
Speaking of which, Chris Harrison gives Barb the floor and I can’t wait for her pour some olive oil on Madison and emotionally sautee her in front of a live studio audience. She says that she’s been getting a lot of love in her DMs, and I believe it. I’m a fan. I’d like to bottle up those passive-aggressive eyerolls and keep them in my pocket for a rainy day.
According to Barb, ABC left out some key footage from Madison and Peter’s family date in Australia. Apparently, Madison made them wait three hours before she would come into the house, presumably so she could slut-shame their son on the front lawn. When she finally did come into the house, she told Barb that she wouldn’t marry her son. Damnnnnn, Barbra. You’re not holding back any punches tonight, are you?
Look, do I think Madison is to blame for all of this? Not really. I’m sure production played a role here, especially with that three hour wait thing. But I do think Barb is touching on some thoughts I’ve had throughout this season about Madison being a bit more two-faced than she lets on. From day one she’s been manipulating Peter and withholding key information about herself. She downplayed her faith and virginity to him at every turn, and then used it against him when she didn’t get her way. Barb may be a little unhinged, but at least she’s a perceptive psycho.
Also, it’s clear this is never going to work between the two of them. Barb HATES Madison with the fire of a thousand suns and there’s no way in hell Peter is going to be able to mediate this relationship for the rest of his goddamn life. He’s struggling right now, and he has ABC holding up helpful cue cards from the audience!
I will say Madison gets props for holding her own against Barb in ABC’s gladiator arena live studio. She says she was “undeniably myself” throughout this entire experience, and if by that she means “someone who is rude and late” then I think Barb might agree with her there.
Chris tries to wrap things up but Barb just keeps sh*tting on Madison from the sidelines. I love this so much. Meanwhile, Peter’s dad is trying not to make any sudden movements lest she turn on him too.
CHRIS HARRISON: Well, you two will figure it out, right mom?
BARB:
YOU HAVE TO FAIL TO SUCCEED. What does that even mean! Here Madi is thinking she and Peter are about to ride off into the sunset together and Barbra just put some sort of witch’s curse on the two of them to doom their happiness for generations to come.
And that’s a wrap for the season, kids! In terms of finales, this one was a wild ride. I laughed, I cried, I peed myself just a little. Good times. Now, if you need me, I’ll just be here replaying Barb’s facial expressions on loop until The Bachelorette starts back up again. Until then!
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (8); @barstoolria /Twitter (2); @bacheloring /Instagram (1)
Well, people, we made it. After 10 long weeks of listening to Pilot Pete try and incorporate his favorite swear words from 9th grade Spanish into foreplay rose ceremonies and having to endure Hannah Ann absolutely butchering the English language at every turn, we’ve finally made it to the season finale of The Bachelor (part one, because God hates me!). I’ll admit, I’m on the edge of my seat. This is the first season IN YEARS that hasn’t been spoiled the minute ABC announces the lead, and I’m just dying to know who Pachi picks to split his Delta employee perks with.
Last week Peter narrowed his search down to two final women. In one corner we have Hannah Ann, whose illustrious modeling career includes features in laundry detergent labels, the Ruby Tuesday’s Help Wanted ad, and the chair catalogue from The Office that inspired Michael Scott to believe in love again. In the other corner we have Madison, a girl who probably believes foreplay includes 10-15 minutes of intense nose nuzzling—but only after her youth group has prayed about it first. I can honestly say, I don’t envy your decision, Peter!
Which brings us to tonight! Chris Harrison tells us that tonight will be the most dramatic season finale ever. He claims that even Peter doesn’t know the ending to his own season, and it’s got me worried about the severity of that golf cart injury the camera has been so unkind to all season long.
Seriously, I’m worried.
As we start the episode off, Peter says he’s unsure about how to choose between these women when they’ve “touched him” in so many ways. I’m going to assume he means his soul when he’s talking about Madison, and the half-hearted BJ from the fantasy suites when he’s talking about Hannah Ann. At least it seems to have really left an impression on him, girlfriend!
Before he embarks on his final few days with the women, Peter first consults his parents about his Sophie’s Choice. In minute detail, he talks about each woman, what he feels for them, and their love story thus far on The Bachelor, and at the end of this monologue the only thing his parents seem truly concerned about is that Madison probably won’t be able to properly fellate their son right away.
Seriously, why are they so concerned about his sex life?? I’m pushing 30 and I’m pretty sure my mother thinks I’ve only had sex the one time—and that’s only because she accidentally read about it on my blog! I can’t imagine if she gathered the family in the living room to talk about my future husband and his lack of sexual prowess. I’m shrieking.
Hannah Ann Meets The Parents
Every time Hannah Ann comes on my screen I’m shocked by how young she looks. Seriously, she looks like she had to have her parents sign a permission slip before she could come on the show. I know she’s supposedly 23 but I’d like to see some I.D., ABC.
I love that Hannah Ann is nervous to meet Peter’s parents, and yet Pachi’s mom showed up to this little meet-in-greet rocking a tube top. I think you’ll be fine, girl.
Ew, why does he keep, like, eating her shoulder?? Hannah Ann is trying to have an adult conversation with his parents as he tries to get to third base with her shoulder blade. I’m so alarmed. Why do I feel like Peter has walked in on his parents f*cking before and didn’t immediately shut the door? It’s the only explanation for why he feels so comfortable being this intimate with a significant other in front of his parents.
HANDS, PETER!!
Hannah Ann tries to explain to Peter’s dad what she sees in Peter, and you can tell he’s still trying to piece together how the son who wears a size small in men’s tees is on national television dating numerous beautiful women, let alone what a 23-year-old Sears catalogue model sees in him.
She’s like “we laugh together, we cry together, and that’s just the foreplay!” Is it just me or does she not have one real thing to say about their relationship other than regurgitating the quotes she pinned to her marriage Pinterest board?
Hannah Ann’s meeting with Peter’s parents goes pretty amazing and that only sends Peter further into a downward spiral. He seems really torn about who he should choose, and I feel for him, I do. Which hot brunette should he choose?! IT’S HEART-WRENCHING!!!
Madison Still Thinks Peter Ain’t Sh*t
Next up, Madison gets to meet the parents. If you’ll recall, the last we saw of her was when the producers had somehow managed to blackmail her into attending the fantasy suites rose ceremony. Peter offered her the final rose of the week over Victoria F. and Madison accepted with the most passive-aggressive “yeah” I’ve ever heard in my life. Iconic. I’d like to bottle the sound of that “yeah” and make it my ringtone for all eternity. But now, Madi’s gotta face the music of her decision. And by “music” I mean Barb.
Wowwww, okay. A turtleneck for a brunch in Australia?? I feel like this will already be strike one in Barb’s book. She looks like she grew up in that town in Footloose for god’s sake.
Okay, Madison is NOT happy. She’s clearly still not over Peter sleeping with other women during fantasy suites week, and she’s not afraid to slut shame him in front of his family’s hotel room while she’s at it.
PETER’S FAMILY WATCHING THIS ARGUMENT THROUGH THE BLINDS RN:
She tells Peter how disappointed she is in his actions and honestly, I think it’s really f*cked up. She just said yes to him at the rose ceremony! Maybe table this “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” speech until after you’ve met his family.
And, look, I know I got a lot of heated comments defending Madison in my fantasy suites recap last week, and it’s not that I think she’s wrong per se. I actually think no one did anything wrong in this situation, and I’m proud of Madison for standing up for herself and holding true to her convictions. I know I rib on Madison a lot but she’s allowed to give sex ultimatums and save herself for marriage! Just like Peter is allowed to explore anal play with Victoria F in the fantasy suites! I just don’t think she properly explained her feelings about sex and intimacy to Peter before he decided to sleep with other people. I think if he had known the true extent of her feelings towards sex (aka that she’s a virgin until marriage) he would have either cut Madison completely or not slept with those other women.
Also, I know I said this last recap, but Sweetest Betch has brought it to my attention again in our Bachelor group chat: I’m absolutely appalled and horrified by these spider lashes Madison’s got going on. Talk about a crime against humanity. I guess she was too busy promising her virginity to Jesus to watch a f*cking YouYube tutorial. Not a good enough excuse, Madison!
PETER: You just have to meet me halfway, Madi. Just let me put it in a little.
PACHI! You know her youth pastor warned her all about “just the tip”!
I can tell Madison has put this little tiff behind her when they start nuzzling noses like there’s no tomorrow. Careful, Peter. This might be the only friction you experience for a while. Better enjoy the moment while you can!
Peter is apparently taking his conversation with Madi to heart because he keeps his tongue and his hands to himself while in front of his parents. How kind of you, Pete.
OMG. DID HIS DAD JUST ASK THEM WHAT THEIR BIGGEST ROADBLOCK IS AND SHE SAID HIS SON’S SEX LIFE. I’m dead. Deceased. You can write in my obituary that cause of death was “Pachi’s shame” because life isn’t gonna get any better than this moment right here.
I have never, in my entire 28 years of life, said the word “sex” more than three times in my parent’s presence, AND YET Peter’s family is over here analyzing what sex positions Madi might be into after marriage. Is this appropriate lunch conversation right now, Weber family? Hmm?
Peter must have warned Barb about Madison being religious, because for this meet-and-greet she decides to wear a sensible cardigan set. She tells Madison that she’s also religious but, like, usually after a bottle of pinot, ya feel me? Honestly, I’m feeling Barb’s energy on an elemental level rn. We are soul sisters.
BARB: You know Peter likes to… socialize. He parties. He’s a partier. HE LIKES TO F*CK.
Okay, woooooow. Peter’s mom is COMING for Madison over this sex ultimatum. Can you imagine meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time and having them grill you about how you’ll pleasure him in the bedroom?? Barb! You can’t just ask these things!!
I’m actually really impressed with how well Madison is holding her own with these people. She’s clearly not one to talk much about her sex life with others, and here she is having to defend her hymen over family brunch. It’s a different kind of pass the plate then the one you’re used to, huh Madi?
As soon as Madison leaves the house Barb immediately bursts into tears, and she does know the telenovela auditions were weeks ago, right? Also, it’s starting to become abundantly clear why Peter is always falling for head cases with a mother like that.
I love how Barbra absolutely SKEWERS Madison for being religious and then turns around and is like, “well I prayed and God says it’s Hannah Ann, Peter. Sorry.” Not sure that’s how it works, Barb, but okay.
Damn, Peter’s family are real advocates for his dick, aren’t they? Peter’s brother keeps talking about how challenging Madison’s virginity is as if he wrote the Kama Sutra himself. Lol, k. I’m sorry, Peter’s brother, but I just can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing those capri leggings!
I think what Peter’s family is trying to explain to him—and are failing miserably at doing—is that they’re worried Peter and Madi come from two very different backgrounds. His family seems to be really comfortable talking about sex and being physically intimate around others (just ask Hannah Ann’s elbow). Meanwhile, Madison’s family still believes in things like dowries and the closest they’ve ever been to discussing genitalia in front of each other was that one time they gave Madison “the talk” and said it had to do with her bathing suit parts. Neither is wrong, btw, but touch and intimacy are important cornerstones in any relationship, and if you’re going to marry someone you should really be on the same page. It’s a valid point, even if they’re not explaining it right.
PETER: I don’t know what to do.
PETER’S DAD: Choose Hannah Ann
PETER’S BROTHER: Choose Hannah Ann
BARB: BRING HER HOME, PACHI!!
I’m sorry, but if another man ever says I’m dramatic again, I’m going to point to this moment in history right here.
Cut to the next day, and Peter is dead set on making this Madi thing work. It’s like how my mother always said I was never allowed to get a body piercing or she wouldn’t pay for my college, and then I got my bellybutton pierced on spring break in Daytona Beach. Barb, you should have said you approved of Madison and then he would have been all into Hannah Ann!!
To prove to Madison that he’s also down with Jesus, he decides to fly her to a sacred rock in Australia. He’s like “Oh, you’re into religion? Let me tell you about this rock I know!!!” I’m sure she knows all about it, Peter. This rock was definitely on one of the pamphlets her youth pastor passed around to give the kids tips on how to turn the indigenous people to Christianity during her 8th grade mission trip.
Lol, she’s dumping him over sparkling apple juice?? Just kill yourself now, Peter.
Madison says part of being a fighter is knowing when to surrender and she never meant to start a war, she just wanted him to let her in. Or was that the chorus to “Wrecking Ball”? Honestly, I drifted off there for a minute so it’s hard to tell.
Peter is all but begging her to stay with him. He drank sparkling apple juice for you, Madison! And didn’t even wince while he did it! What more do you want from him??
They touch foreheads just long enough to make me truly uncomfortable and then Madison and her spider lashes ride off into the outback for a final time. Sad!
Peter Tries To Make Lemonade Out Of Lemons A Sonic Model
After Madi self-eliminates, we’re treated to a montage of Peter moping around the Australian Best Western. He’s like “Chris, I said never surrender and I surrendered!!” Meanwhile, throughout this entire conversation. Chris Harrison is just looking at him like all he just wanted directions to the breakfast bar, but fine. Could be worse, Chris, he could have jumped a fence!
I guess Peter’s going to suck it up and go through the motions with Hannah Ann because he shows up to their day date looking only slightly depressed. If Hannah Ann has been on any dates that originated from Hinge, then I’m sure she’s used to that look of mild dejection. It’s the way every modern day love story truly begins.
They go play with baby kangaroos, and is it just me or does that baby Kangaroo look older than Hannah Ann? Again, I’d like to see some I.D. here please.
PETER: I’m so glad you’re here, it just means so much to me.
HANNAH ANN:
HAHAHAHA. Yeah, that look definitely says she’s there because she wants to be and not at all because she’s being held against her will by production to finish this season out.
Is this Hannah Ann’s final rose ceremony dress?? Since when are you allowed to show your kneecaps on engagement day?? I suppose she did say she was going to do “everything she could” to get there with Peter. I just thought she meant sharing fun childhood stories to strengthen their emotional bond, not sharing the contour she did on her boobs.
Meanwhile, Peter shows up to this date looking like he just got shoved into a locker. Peter’s like, “I’ve never doubted anything with you except our entire future together, you know?” He tells her that his heart is being pushed into two different directions as Hannah Ann fights the urge to tell him that’s fine, she’s only here because her agent said it would look good on her resume.
I love that she tells him she’s at her breaking point and he smirks at her …? God, this girl has never seen a real breaking point before. If your breaking point involves a Revolve bandage dress and contoured boobs, then it’s not your true breaking point. Try riding the M train shoved against someone wondering aloud what color we see when we die, and then talk to me about breaking points, Hannah Ann!!
Also, like what does Peter expect to get out of this conversation except another girl self-eliminating? He basically told her he loves another girl TO HER FACE. Hell would have to freeze over before I’d say yes to an engagement the day after a conversation like this.
And that’s all she wrote, kids! See you tomorrow night for part two of the thrilling season finale where we’ll finally find out if Peter ends up with anything other than the gaping wound on his forehead. Until then!
Images: Giphy (4); @shesallbach /Instagram (1); @bachelorfreaks /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
Presented by SkinnyPop
Welcome back to this crazy roller coaster ride we call The Bachelor! You know, if roller coasters ended with someone being legally shackled to the toothless man who runs pilots it. (See what I did there?) All I have to say is, strap in kids, because sh*t is about to get wild this week with the Fantasy Suite dates. If you’ll recall, last Monday, Peter went to Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Madison, and Victoria’s hometowns. My favorite part was when he got to swear up and down to their families that he would cherish their daughters and never ever hurt them in any way, only to break that promise at the very next rose ceremony when he dumped one of them because they didn’t seem as bangable. You love to see it.
Which brings us to this week: Peter is living the high life. He now has three beautiful women ready and willing to get engaged for the Instagram likes: Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison. After cheers-ing to future windmill fun, Madi asks if she can steal him for a sec. Uh-oh, is she finally going to come clean and tell Peter that the furthest she’s ever gone is with the tampon her friend Gina peer pressured her into wearing in the 11th grade? In hindsight, that Mother Teresa neckline of a jumpsuit should have been a clear indicator to Peter has to how this conversation was about to go.
PETER: You’re scaring me, what’s going on?
MADI: Oh my gosh no!! Don’t be scared!! I just don’t want you to sleep with anyone else or we’re through, okay!!
PETER:
Woooooow. So she’s not even going to tell Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage?? She says that sex is a big deal to her and huge part of her faith and that she’d be upset if he was intimate with others. What she doesn’t say is that she’s a virgin and if he sleeps with other women then she’s out. These are all things she says to the cameras in her interview afterward, but she really should have told Peter face-to-face. If she’s expecting him to be able to read between the lines, then she’s about to be SORELY mistaken.
Peter’s like “so how far am I allowed to go exactly? Just the tip or…?” It’s good to know your boundaries, Pete!
You can tell Peter left that conversation with absolutely no clarity. He walks Madi back to the other women, takes one large sigh, and looks longingly at Victoria F, like he knows he might never be able to find out what brand of crazy that girl is in the bedroom. He’s like “It’s tough because …. I was planning to bang all of them!” We know Peter. We know.
We learn that for the Fantasy Suite portion of the season Peter and his co-pilots are headed to beautiful, sunny Gold Coast, Australia! I’m half convinced production only chose this locale so they could pan the camera back and forth between a koala the most sexual creature on the planet and Peter. Subtle. On the plus side, if they’re in Australia at least ABC won’t be tempted to create a date scenario that forces Peter to wear another culture’s identity like an uncomfortable second skin.
PETER: G’day sheilas!!!
Christ. I should have known.
Peter, a man wearing head-to-toe khaki, tells us that he’s very worried about juggling three women in the bedroom, and I love that he’s just totally going to ignore Madison’s ultimatum and see what happens. This is a strategy best used when your boss tells you that no, National Frozen Foods Day is not a holiday with paid time off, and, no, you absolutely cannot have it off to eat a Costco-sized frozen pizza after giving only one day’s notice, but you do it anyway to “see what happens.” Doesn’t feel like a great strategy to play with someone who believes in things like the rapture but, sure, by all means, let’s see how this one plays out, Peter.
Okay, production is a messy bitch for making them all room together during Fantasy Suite week, a first in Bachelor history. So what? They just get to walk of shame home to the communal hotel suite? And then make small talk about how great Australia is as if they all haven’t seen Peter’s penis?
THE GIRLS TO EACH OTHER AFTER ANY OF THEIR OVERNIGHT DATES:
Hannah Ann’s Date
Peter looks f*cking miserable as he greets all the ladies in their communal suite. Seventh years at Hogwarts get more privacy in their living situations for god’s sake! How is he supposed to test each relationship’s flexibility in bed intimacy if they’re all going to gossip to each other about it afterward?
Hannah Ann is up first for the fantasy suite dates, and this feels like the right placement. Victoria F would have been too much of a wild card, and Madison would’ve had to FaceTime Chad and her youth pastor during dinner to see if drinking pink moscato counts as experimenting with hard liquor. No, it’s best to start off on a high note.
I love how Peter’s like “let’s only talk in an Australian accent today” and Hannah Ann uses that as an invitation to treat the date like an audition for future commercial work. I hope her agent is filming this monologue from the bushes!
Hannah Ann asks Peter if he’s ready, but ready for what exactly? I’m sure she meant that suggestively, but I have a feeling the kinkiest this girl gets is a BJ during daylight hours. Offering to blow someone doesn’t make you a master at seduction, Hannah Ann!
Hannah Ann tells Peter that whatever happens this week, she’s here for him, and you can tell he’s just relieved to not have to deal with another sex ultimatum. Speaking of the virgin, back at the hotel, Madison tells Victoria about how she’s uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with the other women. If she’s looking for support, she’s barking up the wrong tree. The only thing Victoria has ever abstained from was using condoms.
VICTORIA: You need to test drive the car before you purchase you know?
ALSO VICTORIA:
Meanwhile, Hannah Ann says that tonight is a big night for her and Peter’s relationship and that’s why she showed up dressed in my grandmother’s curtains. Revolve’s brand partnership person must be SHAKING. They sent her an entire free wardrobe and on the sex date she chooses the one garment they designed for the fun aunts of the world??
HANNAH ANN: When I let someone in, I let them ALL in.
Okay, I know I was joking before, but she really is talking about a blowjob there.
Alright, Hannah Ann is pushing a liiiiittle too hard for Peter to f*ck other girls. She’s like “I don’t care if you explore other options here, by all means PLEASE explore your options. Seriously. Please. Please don’t pick me.” Chill, girl. You’re showing your hand.
Oh Jesus Christ, please tell me that’s not another note from one of their diaries. I can’t take one more love letter where they compliment each other’s giggles. Okay, PHEW, it’s just the fantasy suite date card. Hannah Ann accepts Peter’s invitation to spend the night, but very reluctantly. Seriously, she seems way more into that hot tub than wanting to see the bedroom.
Okay, ENOUGH Hannah Ann! The producers told you to act like you’re into Peter, not re-create the goddamn Titanic. Please.
I’m just not sure Hannah Ann and Peter did the deed. Like, if I were to rate their night on a movie scale, I’d give it a PG-13 rating: lots of heavy panting and maybe Peter got to see some side boob. BUT THAT’S IT.
The next morning, Hannah Ann heads back to her shared room with the other ladies and it is awkwardddddd. I love that to combat the weirdness of all of them sleeping with the same man they just profusely compliment each other. “You look so tan and skinny lovey! Omg you’re glowing, cutie! I’m obsessed with that dress, girlie!” Stop it. Just ask her how hairless the rest of Peter’s body is and be done with it!
Victoria’s Date
I can’t wait to see how Victoria’s date compares to the one Peter just had with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann looks like the type to cry softly during penetration, while Victoria looks like the type to incorporate knives into foreplay. Good luck, Pachi!
Peter keeps saying that Victoria “fights” for their love, and he must mean that literally, because that’s all they actually do. Peter, I know you think this is going to translate into hot sex, but I worry that Victoria’s idea of adding “kink” to the bedroom involves choking you until you pass out and then stealing your identity and all of your credit cards. I’m just saying!
They spend the day taking scenic helicopter rides and hiking near waterfalls, and this is how I know she’s truly a psycho—because she dressed for a hike in booty shorts. It’s clear this woman has never had a thigh rub together in her entire life. Talk to me when you have real problems, Victoria.
VICTORIA: Once I’m invested in someone it’s game over. Literally. I ruin their marriages and set fire to their happiness. Lol I’m so random!
ME:
Back at the harem, Madi tells Hannah Ann about her ultimatum and once again, I don’t think she’s explaining this right. She’s like “I could never forgive him if he slept with someone else” as Hannah Ann tries to disintegrate into the couch cushions.
HANNAH ANN: So, if I tell her I slept with Peter she might leave and I’ll have a better chance of ending up with him?
ALSO HANNAH ANN: *stays completely silent*
I see right through you, girlfriend!
Hannah Ann during that whole conversation with Madison #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/kDxP2c8xL8
— Another Bachelor Account (@BachelorTweets4) February 25, 2020
I can’t believe Peter and Victoria are not going to acknowledge the ruined marriages elephant in the room. They keep dancing around the topic but he hasn’t out-right confronted her about the homewrecking rumors, and I hate that. I get that for legal reasons they probably can’t get into the whole scandal, and I’m sure those wronged women don’t want to be further humiliated on national television, but all of this vagueness is pissing me off.
Peter keeps saying he believes Victoria’s side of things and it’s like, what else do you believe Peter? That there’s a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow?? Honestly, the only thing more toxic than this relationship is the water in my Keurig tank. Open your eyes, man!
Victoria says that in her past relationships she didn’t feel “good enough” and I would imagine it’s hard not to feel that way when your boyfriend goes back to his wife. Apparently, this is all Peter needs to hear to forgive Victoria for acting like a sociopath in Virginia Beach. They head to their fantasy suite and I’m half expecting him to take her to the exact room he slept with Hannah Ann in. I mean, they’re all sharing a girls’ suite, so why not a boom-boom room too?
Cut to the next morning, and Peter is looking at Victoria like she is the first girl to ever teach him about him about the male g-spot. Honestly, she looks like the type who’d be into male anal play. It’s that twinkle in her eye.
Madison’s Date
Moving on! Last up, we have Madison, and I love the strategic placement of this date. Peter went from being lightly choked the night before to whatever wholesome adventure Madi has in store from him today.
Um, MADISON. Does The Lord approve of this crop top? Peter’s hands are dangerously close to that millimeter of skin you’re showing. What would Chad say?!
I love how every other fantasy date has involved activities that require bikinis and short shorts, and meanwhile Madison is wearing a suit that covers every inch of visible skin. Subtle, ABC.
Okay, WHAT. She’ll hike up this creaky ladder thousands of feet in the air but she won’t put out?? Clearly, her priorities are mixed up. Production must be hoping an adrenaline rush will jumpstart her libido or something. Nice try, ABC!
Fast-forward to the dinner portion of the evening, and Madison finally tells Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Peter visibly gulps when he hears the news. You can tell he was wishing she was just super jealous or something and insecure about him sleeping with other women.
She says that she wouldn’t feel comfortable getting engaged to a man who has slept around with other women. Her speech comes off very well-spoken and logical. While I’m sure it’s gotten her a lot of fans on social media, this whole thing feels very manipulative to me. Look, I’m not saying you can’t be a virgin until marriage or that there’s anything wrong with having these morals and standards for your significant other, but then don’t go on this show. It’s not fair to Peter or the process. And certainly don’t wait to spill all of this information until Peter has no one left but a Sonic waitress and the most hated woman in Virginia Beach. No one wants their boyfriend sleeping with other women a week before they get engaged, BUT THAT IS THIS SHOW. Welcome to Mike Fleiss’ hellscape! This is what you signed up for!
Moreover, she didn’t clearly explain ANY of this to Peter during that last rose ceremony. You can’t say something isn’t an ultimatum and then take it back when you don’t get your way. I think if he knew the virgin thing he wouldn’t have been “intimate” with the others, but he didn’t have the context for her demands.
Holy sh*t. Madison walks out of dinner and Peter starts openly weeping. You can tell he’s wishing he never let Victoria F stick that finger up his butt last night. He goes out to go comfort a crying Madi and there is far too much forehead touching for my comfort levels.
Was it worth it, Peter? Was it?!
Madi’s like “I can’t change who I am! I can’t change that I have a hymen!” And she’s right. She can’t change that she’s a virgin or that she has these standards in place for herself. But there’s no place for that on this den of sin otherwise known as The Bachelor, OKAY.
Things end on a rocky note, with Madison leaving a tearful Peter to contemplate his life decisions. You can tell he’s wondering if missionary in the dark with Hannah Ann or climaxing at gunpoint with Victoria F was really worth sacrificing the one relationship he actually cared about. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how that cookie crumbles. Until then, kids!
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