Hannah Ann Might Be Dating An NFL Player

Okay, is it just me, or does no one really care how this season of The Bachelor ends? Like, I know we care, and the spoilers for how the season might end are still running rampant, but none of this really matters. Pete is probably going to be single three months from now, and all of Victoria F’s antics will feel like a fever dream. We still technically have one more week before we officially know the outcome of this season, but someone isn’t waiting around to move on with her life.

Last weekend, finalist and part-time model Hannah Ann was spotted at a bar in Tennessee, and judging from a photo posted on Reddit, she wasn’t thinking about Pilot Pete. In the photo (and some others posted by Reality Steve), our girl Hannah Ann is hanging out with NFL player Joshua Dobbs, and they look… very friendly. Sadly, they’re not making out in any of the photos, but if I’m standing like this with someone at a bar, there’s a good chance that I’m making out with them in five minutes.

F2 being cozy from r/thebachelor

On the same day, they also went to a University of Tennessee basketball game together, which Hannah Ann posted about on her Instagram story. Reality Steve says they’ve been friends for a while, which would make sense because he went to Tennessee. We don’t know if anything is really going on between her and Joshua (my vote is yes), but either way, she’s not being too secretive about it. She can do whatever she wants, but I feel like the ABC producers would probably prefer that she wasn’t photographed canoodling with an NFL player while she’s still technically competing on the show. Whatever, I don’t know what’s in her contract.

While hanging out with an NFL player feels very on brand for Hannah Ann, I doubt her possible romance with Joshua Dobbs will last too long. We’re only a few months away from Paradise contracts going out, and there’s no way in hell she’s going to let a third-string football player get in the way of more screen time. There’s literally nothing in the world that could stop her from getting on camera, so expect her to be conveniently single by May.

Of course, before we can get to Paradise, we still have to get through the end of The Bachelor, and hey, maybe the spoilers will be wrong and Hannah Ann will win! I mean, that’s definitely not going to happen, but if there’s any season where there could be a last-minute twist, it’s this one. But really, Hannah Ann is definitely single, and an NFL player is definitely an upgrade from a pilot with a giant gash in his forehead. Get it, girl!

Images: ABC; r/TheBachelor / Reddit

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Scar On Madi’s Heart Is Bigger Than The One On Pete’s Head

Presented by SkinnyPop

Welcome back to this crazy roller coaster ride we call The Bachelor! You know, if roller coasters ended with someone being legally shackled to the toothless man who runs pilots it. (See what I did there?) All I have to say is, strap in kids, because sh*t is about to get wild this week with the Fantasy Suite dates. If you’ll recall, last Monday, Peter went to Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Madison, and Victoria’s hometowns. My favorite part was when he got to swear up and down to their families that he would cherish their daughters and never ever hurt them in any way, only to break that promise at the very next rose ceremony when he dumped one of them because they didn’t seem as bangable. You love to see it.

Which brings us to this week: Peter is living the high life. He now has three beautiful women ready and willing to get engaged for the Instagram likes: Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison. After cheers-ing to future windmill fun, Madi asks if she can steal him for a sec. Uh-oh, is she finally going to come clean and tell Peter that the furthest she’s ever gone is with the tampon her friend Gina peer pressured her into wearing in the 11th grade? In hindsight, that Mother Teresa neckline of a jumpsuit should have been a clear indicator to Peter has to how this conversation was about to go. 

PETER: You’re scaring me, what’s going on?
MADI: Oh my gosh no!! Don’t be scared!! I just don’t want you to sleep with anyone else or we’re through, okay!!
PETER:

Woooooow. So she’s not even going to tell Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage?? She says that sex is a big deal to her and huge part of her faith and that she’d be upset if he was intimate with others. What she doesn’t say is that she’s a virgin and if he sleeps with other women then she’s out. These are all things she says to the cameras in her interview afterward, but she really should have told Peter face-to-face. If she’s expecting him to be able to read between the lines, then she’s about to be SORELY mistaken. 

Peter’s like “so how far am I allowed to go exactly? Just the tip or…?” It’s good to know your boundaries, Pete! 

You can tell Peter left that conversation with absolutely no clarity. He walks Madi back to the other women, takes one large sigh, and looks longingly at Victoria F, like he knows he might never be able to find out what brand of crazy that girl is in the bedroom. He’s like “It’s tough because …. I was planning to bang all of them!” We know Peter. We know. 

We learn that for the Fantasy Suite portion of the season Peter and his co-pilots are headed to beautiful, sunny Gold Coast, Australia! I’m half convinced production only chose this locale so they could pan the camera back and forth between a koala the most sexual creature on the planet and Peter. Subtle. On the plus side, if they’re in Australia at least ABC won’t be tempted to create a date scenario that forces Peter to wear another culture’s identity like an uncomfortable second skin. 

PETER: G’day sheilas!!!

Christ. I should have known. 

Peter, a man wearing head-to-toe khaki, tells us that he’s very worried about juggling three women in the bedroom, and I love that he’s just totally going to ignore Madison’s ultimatum and see what happens. This is a strategy best used when your boss tells you that no, National Frozen Foods Day is not a holiday with paid time off, and, no, you absolutely cannot have it off to eat a Costco-sized frozen pizza after giving only one day’s notice, but you do it anyway to “see what happens.” Doesn’t feel like a great strategy to play with someone who believes in things like the rapture but, sure, by all means, let’s see how this one plays out, Peter. 

Okay, production is a messy bitch for making them all room together during Fantasy Suite week, a first in Bachelor history. So what? They just get to walk of shame home to the communal hotel suite? And then make small talk about how great Australia is as if they all haven’t seen Peter’s penis?

THE GIRLS TO EACH OTHER AFTER ANY OF THEIR OVERNIGHT DATES:

Hannah Ann’s Date

Peter looks f*cking miserable as he greets all the ladies in their communal suite. Seventh years at Hogwarts get more privacy in their living situations for god’s sake! How is he supposed to test each relationship’s flexibility in bed intimacy if they’re all going to gossip to each other about it afterward?

Hannah Ann is up first for the fantasy suite dates, and this feels like the right placement. Victoria F would have been too much of a wild card, and Madison would’ve had to FaceTime Chad and her youth pastor during dinner to see if drinking pink moscato counts as experimenting with hard liquor. No, it’s best to start off on a high note. 

I love how Peter’s like “let’s only talk in an Australian accent today” and Hannah Ann uses that as an invitation to treat the date like an audition for future commercial work. I hope her agent is filming this monologue from the bushes!

Hannah Ann asks Peter if he’s ready, but ready for what exactly? I’m sure she meant that suggestively, but I have a feeling the kinkiest this girl gets is a BJ during daylight hours. Offering to blow someone doesn’t make you a master at seduction, Hannah Ann!

Hannah Ann tells Peter that whatever happens this week, she’s here for him, and you can tell he’s just relieved to not have to deal with another sex ultimatum. Speaking of the virgin, back at the hotel, Madison tells Victoria about how she’s uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with the other women.  If she’s looking for support, she’s barking up the wrong tree. The only thing Victoria has ever abstained from was using condoms.

VICTORIA: You need to test drive the car before you purchase you know?
ALSO VICTORIA:

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann says that tonight is a big night for her and Peter’s relationship and that’s why she showed up dressed in my grandmother’s curtains. Revolve’s brand partnership person must be SHAKING. They sent her an entire free wardrobe and on the sex date she chooses the one garment they designed for the fun aunts of the world??

HANNAH ANN: When I let someone in, I let them ALL in.

Okay, I know I was joking before, but she really is talking about a blowjob there. 

Alright, Hannah Ann is pushing a liiiiittle too hard for Peter to f*ck other girls. She’s like “I don’t care if you explore other options here, by all means PLEASE explore your options. Seriously. Please. Please don’t pick me.” Chill, girl. You’re showing your hand. 

Oh Jesus Christ, please tell me that’s not another note from one of their diaries. I can’t take one more love letter where they compliment each other’s giggles. Okay, PHEW, it’s just the fantasy suite date card. Hannah Ann accepts Peter’s invitation to spend the night, but very reluctantly. Seriously, she seems way more into that hot tub than wanting to see the bedroom.

Okay, ENOUGH Hannah Ann! The producers told you to act like you’re into Peter, not re-create the goddamn Titanic. Please.

I’m just not sure Hannah Ann and Peter did the deed. Like, if I were to rate their night on a movie scale, I’d give it a PG-13 rating: lots of heavy panting and maybe Peter got to see some side boob. BUT THAT’S IT.

The next morning, Hannah Ann heads back to her shared room with the other ladies and it is awkwardddddd. I love that to combat the weirdness of all of them sleeping with the same man they just profusely compliment each other. “You look so tan and skinny lovey! Omg you’re glowing, cutie! I’m obsessed with that dress, girlie!” Stop it. Just ask her how hairless the rest of Peter’s body is and be done with it!

Victoria’s Date

I can’t wait to see how Victoria’s date compares to the one Peter just had with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann looks like the type to cry softly during penetration, while Victoria looks like the type to incorporate knives into foreplay. Good luck, Pachi!

Peter keeps saying that Victoria “fights” for their love, and he must mean that literally, because that’s all they actually do. Peter, I know you think this is going to translate into hot sex, but I worry that Victoria’s idea of adding “kink” to the bedroom involves choking you until you pass out and then stealing your identity and all of your credit cards. I’m just saying!

They spend the day taking scenic helicopter rides and hiking near waterfalls, and this is how I know she’s truly a psycho—because she dressed for a hike in booty shorts. It’s clear this woman has never had a thigh rub together in her entire life. Talk to me when you have real problems, Victoria. 

VICTORIA: Once I’m invested in someone it’s game over. Literally. I ruin their marriages and set fire to their happiness. Lol I’m so random!
ME:

Back at the harem, Madi tells Hannah Ann about her ultimatum and once again, I don’t think she’s explaining this right. She’s like “I could never forgive him if he slept with someone else” as Hannah Ann tries to disintegrate into the couch cushions. 

HANNAH ANN: So, if I tell her I slept with Peter she might leave and I’ll have a better chance of ending up with him?
ALSO HANNAH ANN: *stays completely silent* 

I see right through you, girlfriend!

Hannah Ann during that whole conversation with Madison #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/kDxP2c8xL8

— Another Bachelor Account (@BachelorTweets4) February 25, 2020

I can’t believe Peter and Victoria are not going to acknowledge the ruined marriages elephant in the room. They keep dancing around the topic but he hasn’t out-right confronted her about the homewrecking rumors, and I hate that. I get that for legal reasons they probably can’t get into the whole scandal, and I’m sure those wronged women don’t want to be further humiliated on national television, but all of this vagueness is pissing me off. 

Peter keeps saying he believes Victoria’s side of things and it’s like, what else do you believe Peter? That there’s a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow?? Honestly, the only thing more toxic than this relationship is the water in my Keurig tank. Open your eyes, man!

Victoria says that in her past relationships she didn’t feel “good enough” and I would imagine it’s hard not to feel that way when your boyfriend goes back to his wife. Apparently, this is all Peter needs to hear to forgive Victoria for acting like a sociopath in Virginia Beach. They head to their fantasy suite and I’m half expecting him to take her to the exact room he slept with Hannah Ann in. I mean, they’re all sharing a girls’ suite, so why not a boom-boom room too?

Cut to the next morning, and Peter is looking at Victoria like she is the first girl to ever teach him about him about the male g-spot. Honestly, she looks like the type who’d be into male anal play. It’s that twinkle in her eye.  

Madison’s Date

Moving on! Last up, we have Madison, and I love the strategic placement of this date. Peter went from being lightly choked the night before to whatever wholesome adventure Madi has in store from him today.

Um, MADISON. Does The Lord approve of this crop top? Peter’s hands are dangerously close to that millimeter of skin you’re showing. What would Chad say?!

I love how every other fantasy date has involved activities that require bikinis and short shorts, and meanwhile Madison is wearing a suit that covers every inch of visible skin. Subtle, ABC. 

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Flying high 🥰 #TheBachelor

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Okay, WHAT. She’ll hike up this creaky ladder thousands of feet in the air but she won’t put out?? Clearly, her priorities are mixed up. Production must be hoping an adrenaline rush will jumpstart her libido or something. Nice try, ABC!

Fast-forward to the dinner portion of the evening, and Madison finally tells Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Peter visibly gulps when he hears the news. You can tell he was wishing she was just super jealous or something and insecure about him sleeping with other women. 

She says that she wouldn’t feel comfortable getting engaged to a man who has slept around with other women. Her speech comes off very well-spoken and logical. While I’m sure it’s gotten her a lot of fans on social media, this whole thing feels very manipulative to me. Look, I’m not saying you can’t be a virgin until marriage or that there’s anything wrong with having these morals and standards for your significant other, but then don’t go on this show. It’s not fair to Peter or the process. And certainly don’t wait to spill all of this information until Peter has no one left but a Sonic waitress and the most hated woman in Virginia Beach. No one wants their boyfriend sleeping with other women a week before they get engaged, BUT THAT IS THIS SHOW. Welcome to Mike Fleiss’ hellscape! This is what you signed up for!

Moreover, she didn’t clearly explain ANY of this to Peter during that last rose ceremony. You can’t say something isn’t an ultimatum and then take it back when you don’t get your way. I think if he knew the virgin thing he wouldn’t have been “intimate” with the others, but he didn’t have the context for her demands.

Holy sh*t. Madison walks out of dinner and Peter starts openly weeping. You can tell he’s wishing he never let Victoria F stick that finger up his butt last night. He goes out to go comfort a crying Madi and there is far too much forehead touching for my comfort levels.

Was it worth it, Peter? Was it?!

Madi’s like “I can’t change who I am! I can’t change that I have a hymen!” And she’s right. She can’t change that she’s a virgin or that she has these standards in place for herself. But there’s no place for that on this den of sin otherwise known as The Bachelor, OKAY. 

Things end on a rocky note, with Madison leaving a tearful Peter to contemplate his life decisions. You can tell he’s wondering if missionary in the dark with Hannah Ann or climaxing at gunpoint with Victoria F was really worth sacrificing the one relationship he actually cared about. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how that cookie crumbles. Until then, kids!

Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @bachelortweets4 /Twitter (1); 

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Hometown Meltdowns

Presented by SkinnyPop

Happy Hometowns week, Bachelor fam! This is the fun part of every season where the lead tries to pretend that they might actually move to a town that only just got a Walmart last year. Lol, k. It’s LA or die, you aren’t fooling anyone! It’s also the most telling part of each season. Right now what we know about these women is only what they’ve shown us, and what they’ve shown us is that they probably have surgically enhanced bone structures and can contour within an inch of their lives. During Hometowns we get to see what their original noses looked like, meet the people who caused their deep emotional trauma that eventually drove them to sign up for a reality dating show, and find out who should start with their anti-aging skin care regimen right away. So, let’s get started then! 

Hannah Ann’s Hometown

Up first we have Hannah Ann’s Hometown in Knoxville. If you’ll recall, this is where all the modeling magic happens: from her parent’s basement in a town in Tennessee that is not Nashville. What fortuitous timing that she would look for “love” on a show where there have been multiple opportunities for her to work with brands who used to always pretend like they didn’t know Knoxville’s zip code. I can’t wait for her parents to whip out a scrapbook of all her past modeling gigs and watch Peter agree that, yes, Hannah Ann really does have the perfect face for an Applebee’s franchise. Carry on.

PROBABLY HANNAH ANN’S MODELING LOOK BOOK: 

Hannah Ann tells Peter that her dad works in lumber and she needs to see if he’s man enough like her dad. I’m going to go ahead and save you the suspense, Hannah Ann: he’s not. The man showed up to meet your family in skinny jeans, for Christ’s sake.

They go axe throwing before meeting the parents and I love that they immediately put Peter in a situation where he could get another serious head injury. He just got that bandaid off, you guys!! 

Also, how is axe throwing going to prove that Peter is man enough for her? This feels like a loose connection. In my experience, axe throwing is something drunk girls do at breweries to pass the time between drinking ciders and taking boomerangs. How does this prove he’s a man exactly?

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Will Ranger Rick (my dad) give Pilot Pete the axe tonight? 💥🪓 ♥️

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Peter was so enamored by Hannah Ann’s note during the last group date that he decided to write one of his own. His isn’t pink or scented, but it does say that he enjoys her giggle and that he loves that she has a name for every dress she owns. Oh, Peter. Those aren’t names she came up with herself! Those are brands she’s contractually obligated to mention at least once a date! 

Peter is introduced to Hannah Ann’s family, and I love that these people get so emotional every time they see their son or daughter on this show. It’s like they know they’ve been held hostage and they’re glad to see they’re in one piece. You know, if they consider “one piece” gushing over a man who sometimes refers to himself as “pachi.” 

I would like to see more of this house. Hannah Ann still lives at home, right? I just get the feeling that her bedroom still has Justin Bieber posters on it. I can’t wait for her to show Peter and admit that tickets to the Purpose Tour was the best 13th birthday present ever. 

A girl wearing more body glitter than an entire Hannah Montana concert and a star necklace straight from Delia’s 2005 accessory bin asks Hannah Ann if she’s ready for marriage and THIS is how I know Hannah Ann is too young for marriage. Who are these people she associates with?? 

Peter sits down with Hannah Ann’s mom and I love how unsure she is about him. She’s like “where is your relationship at?” Well Mrs. Sluss, she’s one date away from getting f*cked by him in a three-star hotel, does that answer your question? I mean, sure, that’s not a great look, but your daughter also thinks she’s going to be a supermodel because the manager at Kohl’s told her so once. This isn’t the worst idea she’s ever had. 

PETER: I think I’m in love with your daughter.
HANNAH ANN’S DAD: I would ask that you just not. 

AHAHAHAHAHA. I WOULD ASK THAT YOU NOT. These are things that I say when my Uber driver tries to speak to me, these are not things you want your potential future father-in-law to tell you on your first meeting!! It’s not looking good for you, Peter!

Oh sh*t! He said “I’m falling for you” anyway! On their family porch and everything! Is nothing sacred to you, Peter?? 

Hannah Ann’s father after hearing Peter express he’s falling in love with her 2 seconds after he told him not to say it unless he means it #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/75ZctY9fIy

— 🌹 (@tvgoldtweets) February 18, 2020

Kelsey’s Hometown

Kelsey’s up next and she tells Peter that he better be ready to get “down and dirty” in Des Moines, Iowa. I’m not sure what this means, but I can’t wait to see what she and the Iowa tourist board have come up with to make this place seem interesting. 

Of course Kelsey’s date involves alcohol. God, I love her. Kelsey paints a picture for Peter that makes Iowa sound like a mecca for art and culture and a place known for its wine-making. And here I thought the only things Iowa was know for were its corn mazes and f*cking us all over in primary elections. Huh. 

Part one of their date involves them crushing their own grapes with their feet, but it’s unclear as to what the purpose of this is. Surely they aren’t making their own wine with those grapes? Because the grapes on the vines in the background aren’t even ripe yet, so you know the ABC interns just filled that bathtub up with whatever the Des Moines Costco carried in bulk. 

Now i get why Kelsey went bonkers about the Champagne, she made it herself. 🤔 #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/4tKtP1ocVE

— Katie Ann (@Kate50646534) February 18, 2020

Part two of their date takes them to a wine-tasting! They’ll be tasting various wines so they can make their own special wine to take to dinner at Kelsey’s parents’ house. Once again, Kelsey makes this all sound very sophisticated when in reality she probably just wanted to get day drunk with her boyfriend. I see right through you, girlie. She’s like “here’s a symbol of our love” and it’s a bottle of what I’m guessing is red moscato. 

Overall, I find this date to be very cute and I’m not just saying that because it’s inspired me to open a second bottle of wine tonight. I actually find Kelsey to be really genuine and sweet, but I just don’t think Peter is into her. Case in point: when Kelsey tells Peter she loves him, he doesn’t say it back. He even gave ole Ranger Rick a half-hearted “I’m falling for you” but he can’t give Kelsey the same?? Wow.

My first reaction when I see Kelsey’s family is that they’re beautiful and not at all surprised or uncomfortable about having a camera crew in their home. This doesn’t feel like the house of horrors she described during her one-on-one. How pissed do you think ABC is to find that her family found healthy coping mechanisms for their pain? Where are the broken dreams and blatant displays of abandonment issues? This is not the hometown date they were promised!

Peter sits down with Kelsey’s mother, and I can already tell you this isn’t going to end well. He’s talking to a woman scorned and she’s supposed to be impressed by a guy who wears skinny jeans and says things like “Barthelona” in casual conversation? Nah, I don’t think so. Drag his assssss, hunnie. 

Meanwhile, Kelsey sits down with her stepdad to hash out her feelings for Peter. She says she doesn’t want to get her heart broken again and this guy is nodding like a man whose biggest tragedy in life is that the Vineyard Vines President’s Day sale ran out of his size.

Guys, I feel bad for Kelsey! Peter leaves her with a very half-hearted “I love that you love me” speech and I just have a very bad feeling about all of this. Kelsey is so great! I mean, yes, there was that one time she took a bottle of red to the face and cried alone by a pool, but WHO AMONG US HASN’T DONE THAT. Do better, Peter! Do Better.

Madison’s Hometown

Next on Peter’s bus tour of America is Madison’s hometown of Auburn, Alabama! Madi tells Peter she’s going to take him someplace that’s really important to her, and I’m hoping for all of our sakes it’s not a bible study class. 

She actually takes him to Auburn’s basketball stadium where they play a little pickup game of basketball. How fun that she gets to take him on a date where she gets to do what she does best! If this were me, I’d have taken him to a bar to see how well he can mock and verbally spar with the other patrons. Some people are good at sports, others are good at alienating people—we all have our special talents! 

Peter meets Madison’s family, and I’m immediately alarmed by what her dad looks like. Is this the real Benjamin Button?? How can he possibly be old enough to have a child?? My alarm only grows when they all sit down to dinner. It’s announced that Madi’s family likes to do a fun thing called “the special plate” where they go around the table and compliment Madi. 

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Hit me with that special plate any day. #thebachelor (@kayyorkcity)

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Yeah, my family does a similar thing, but instead of showering me with praise and adoration it’s more like they berate me for my life choices until I’m rocking back and forth in a ball under the table. 

MADISON’S FAMILY: We cheers with sweet tea!
PETER:

Mtv Lauren GIF by The Hills - Find & Share on GIPHY

Okay, that is a red flag if I’ve ever seen one. I can deal with racist uncles and my grandma asking about my love life and my baby cousin announcing her engagement before I have a chance to announce that my dog likes to wear sweaters now, but I what I absolutely cannot deal with are dry family occasions. I won’t do it and you can’t make me!

So Madison IS saving herself for marriage?? What does that mean exactly? Like, is it a “just the tip” situation or is she the type that still wears maxi pads because she’s afraid of dishonoring the Lord by piercing her hymen with a tampon? I. need. more. answers! 

Oh, OF COURSE her dad’s name is Chad. He really looks like the Chaddiest Chad I’ve ever seen.

MADISON’S DAD: When you were a baby I prayed that one day you might find a husband.

Why do I feel like this guy has to think dowries are still a thing?

Peter says he loves Madison, and this is huge. He’s only ever said “I’m falling in love” not that he’s actually in love. I feel like if he knew the truth about her virginity, he would be singing a different tune… 

Also, I love that Peter thinks he’s on the same page as this girl. That basketball coach legit said Madi made the final four that year. THAT MEANS SHE WAS IN COLLEGE STILL THIS YEAR. You can’t be on the same page as a recent college graduate unless you’re learning that your email signature isn’t supposed to include an inspirational quote from Audrey Hepburn. You just can’t. 

Victoria’s Hometown

I love that they start the hometown date that production has teased as being the seventh circle of hell, with footage of Victoria’s adorable black lab. You know that was the only decent footage they could find of Victoria from that entire date. 

Victoria tells Peter she wants to show him the “charm” of Virginia Beach, and apparently that charm includes another musical number by none other than… Chase Rice?! Kidding! It’s just Hunter Hayes, but you can tell Peter is still traumatized because he’s looking around like he’s waiting for someone to tell him Victoria’s f*cked this musician too. 

Hunter Hayes starts singing “I don’t want easy, I want crazy” and that feels like the most fitting song for this date. 

PETER: In Spanish that song would be called I want loco!!

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Spotted, @hunterhayes! 🤩🎶 #TheBachelor

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After they part ways before the dinner portion of the evening, Peter runs into an old pal at the concert. How crazy and unexpected this is! I love how shocked Peter is to see this girl as if production didn’t plant her there by giving her Peter’s exact coordinates. He’s like, “oh my god you live here?? You guys, she lives here!!” In other news, Peter, the sky is blue!! Is your foundation absolutely shaking??

This friend of Peter’s tells him that she’s also a friend of Victoria’s and that Victoria can’t be trusted. What I don’t understand is why ABC is even blurring out her face? We all saw her exclusive on People.com this week. Also, this encounter tells Peter nothing really. If you’ve been following this scandal closely then you know Victoria has been accused of sleeping with the married men of Virginia Beach (among other problematic things). And yet, all we’re getting out of this friend is “don’t trust her.” I’ve been more descriptive in a Venmo request. Come on, Merissa, you can do better than that. 

Obviously this vague, but foreboding message still has Peter on edge even as he gets ready to meet her family for the first time. His anxiety must show because he takes one step out of the Uber and already Victoria is jumping down Peter’s throat about something seeming “off” about him. Uh-oh. Looks like Peter’s in another mood, Victoria!!

PETER: I heard this rumor that you break up people’s marriages in your spare time. Is that true?
VICTORIA: That’s offensive.
ALSO VICTORIA: But which couple did she say it was…?

Peter’s like “do you ever fight for anything?” and it’s like, Peter, she’s been fighting to get kicked off this show for actual weeks now. I thought you knew this! 

I can’t even take this argument seriously because all she does is mumble and cry. He keeps asking her to fight for them and she keeps telling him to leave. This feels like a clear sign that Peter should dump her right here and now. There is nothing redeemable about this girl, Peter!!

Okay, so wait. Did they just break up? I’m confused. Their argument ends pretty abruptly with Peter getting into the limo and leaving the date early. He doesn’t even meet her family! 

Back at his hotel, Peter says he’s really conflicted. On the one hand, he doesn’t like what he’s heard about Victoria from his own trusted source, but on the other hand he’d still like to f*ck her. I think this is what they call a “Sophie’s Choice.” 

Victoria shows up to Peter’s hotel and I’m not surprised in the least. I’ve heard she’s familiar with the hotel scene in Virginia Beach…

She’s trying to convince Peter to give them another shot while at the same time neither confirming nor denying any of the rumors. She is a master manipulator, I will give her that. Meanwhile, Peter is bringing up some great points about how they have no communication skills and this relationship is definitely doomed in the long run. I still think he’ll pick her. 

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Love is blind! . . . . . . #pilotpete #themeshtv #podcast #mostdramaticseason #thebachelor #thebachelorabc #bachelornation #bachelormonday #willyouacceptthisrose #bachelormemes #bachelorpodcast #realitysteve #peterweber

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VICTORIA: I don’t even know. I can’t, like, let you go.
PETER: You literally told me to leave?

Yes, she did!! Also, why aren’t they talking about the accusations? There’s no mention of her mistress extracurricular activities, and I feel like that should be mentioned here.  

As Victoria leaves his hotel room she makes one final plea for Peter’s heart: she slips him a wallet sized nude picture of their WestWorld cosplay. Interesting choice. If she really wanted to catch his attention, perhaps she could have just answered his question directly, but this tracks too.

The Rose Ceremony

For the rose ceremony the ladies are, of course, meeting up at an airplane hangar. WE GET IT, ABC. He’s a pilot. Enough. I beg of you. 

Peter starts things off by saying that this has been a particularly rough week for him. He’s like, “some of you were able to give me a lot more than others, like an actually dinner with your family.” Whoaaaa. Low blow, Peter. Low blow.

HE CHOOSES VICTORIA! WHAT!!! My married friend who has watched approximately three episodes of this show ever just got up from my couch and said: “I’m going home to finish this bottle of wine, he deserves to die alone, goodbye.” GOODBYE. 

He legit looks so miserable giving that rose to Victoria. It’s like someone threatened to blow up one of those planes so he had to do it. Anything for the planes!

I feel so bad for Kelsey, oh my god. And he doesn’t even have a legit reason for it. He’s just like “I wasn’t there with you yet.” 

ME: 

YOU COWARD!! She said she loved you and you chose a girl whose past is sketchier than some of the clothing vendors on Amazon! Kelsey, girl, I would pour one out for you, but I know how much you’d hate that. Here’s hoping we see more of you!

And that’s a wrap for Hometowns, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Madison finally address the hymen elephant in the room and finally tells Peter her secret. I’m sure he’ll handle it with as much grace and maturity as he did all of those windmill jokes. Until then!

For more on Peter’s hometowns, check out the latest episode of Betchelor Center:

Images: ABC; Giphy (2); @thebachelor, @thebetchelor, @mydadwatchesthebachelor /Instagram; @tvgoldtweets, @kate50646534 / Twitter

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: This Is A Hostage Situation

Presented by SkinnyPop

Welcome back to the Betches’ Bachelor recap! We’re now on day two, hour four (OUT OF FIVE!!) of this hostage situation otherwise known as The Bachelor’s production schedule. At this point it feels like these episodes could be used as some sort of war-time torture method, because I would give up state secrets and the location of the last horcrux to not have to micro-analyze one more house disagreement over champagne. With that in mind, let’s just skip the BS and get right into the recap!

Monday night’s episode ended with Shiann dropping a major bombshell on Peter. After her elimination during the Costa Rica rose ceremony she let Peter know that—GASP!—some of the women are not there for the right reasons. I’m not sure what gave them away, Shiann—the fact that their bio line reads “swipe up and use code HannahAnn1” instead of  the standard “professional nanny” or “marketing manager,” or that literally every group date has been a modeling agent’s wet dream—but good on you for figuring it out, girl!

Peter seems equally unfazed by this revelation, as it’s not even addressed in the first few moments of the episode. Instead we learn that Peter and his ladies are headed off to Santiago, Chile for another week of living, laughing, and loving. Peter says that this week is about to get “hot and spicy,” and he says that with far too much confidence for a man who is sporting a bandaid the size of a maxi pad on his forehead rn.

Just… no. 

Hannah Ann’s One-On-One Date

Peter is feeling hopeful that by eliminating Lexi and Shiann, two girls who never started any drama in the house, last week, the remainder of his journey to find love will be smooth sailing. Lol k. He wants this to be more about the connections and less about refereeing fights over who uses alcohol to mask their pain and who just likes to get drunk and cry by the pool for perfectly reasonable reasons. He decides to test this theory out by asking Hannah Ann on the first one-on-one date of the week, and he does this right in front of the other girls as if Tammy isn’t going to set fire to everything Hannah Ann holds dear. 

Okay, I’m dying at these two speaking Spanish to each other as if the last time they spoke the language wasn’t during their high school Spanish class. I would LOVE to get a translator in here to see what they’re really saying to each other. I mean, Hannah Ann can’t even string a sentence together in English without completely butchering it. Please. 

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NEW EPISODE🎙 “The Lingery Finasco” — link in bio or betches.co/wordsarehard

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As they explore Santiago, we’re told that Hannah Ann is the “fun one” of the group, but I would like to see some more evidence of that. Is this because Peter rubbed food all over her face and she didn’t immediately murder him for it? Is that the baseline for having a personality these days? Because if so, I’ve got that in spades.

Peter brings up some concerns about Hannah Ann’s age, but I’m confused. Aren’t half the girls who are left still, like, a semester away from graduating college? Maybe don’t say you want a mature woman and then eliminate almost every girl who could tell you what a 401k is, hmm?

Peter asks if she’s ever been in love before, and the answer she gives is similar to the one I’ve used when a guy asks me if I’ve orgasmed after exactly two minutes of foreplay. She’s like “yes, definitely, OF COURSE. But also…”  Yes, Peter, you should be scared. 

PETER ON THIS DATE RN:

Peter brings up her age AGAIN during the dinner portion of the date, so I guess he’s really concerned about this. He’s like “so where do you see yourself in five years? Married? With kids?” and it’s like, crickets in the room. 

Honestly, I understand where Peter’s coming from here. He’s pushing 30 and she still thinks Comic Sans is a professional font. I don’t think any girl under the age of 26 should be on this show. If you’re still on your parents’ health insurance, then you’re too young to have exhausted all of your options for love. You just are! You don’t need this show. And Hannah Ann is what, 23? When I was her age, my most mature relationship was with the guy at Vito’s Pizza who wouldn’t charge me for a side of ranch if I showed him my bra strap. I certainly wasn’t ready for marriage, or kids, or a relationship with a guy who called me during daylight hours. 

She says something about “diving into the shallow waters of life,” and that’s the biggest indicator about her age, because I’m sure she stole that quote off of the Marilyn Monroe poster hanging on her bedroom wall. 

While Peter is having a tough time coming to terms with Hannah Ann’s age, you know what he isn’t having a tough time with? The back of her throat. Working out fundamental issues in your relationship by letting a guy dry hump you to completion in a back alley behind a restaurant is suuuuuch a 23-year-old way to handle the issue. But brava, Hannah Ann, because it works! He gives her the rose and I can’t wait to see what other sage words of wisdom she’ll be able to bring to their relationship, pulled straight from her Pinterest board. I’m thinking something along the lines of “beer before liquor, never been sicker,” but I guess only time will tell. 

The Group Date 

I love that ABC is like “what’s there to do in Chile? Telenovelas!” Yeah, that doesn’t feel problematic at all. For the group date, the girls will be acting out a telenovela, and you can tell some of them are going to need a translator here, because they’re giving far too many blank stares for a date where they’ll get the opportunity to be in front of a camera again. Perk up, MyKenna! Just think of what it will do for your brand!

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Who will win El Amor De Pedro? 🌹 #TheBachelor

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Okay, Kelley being cast as Peter’s grandma while the rest of the women get to be bored housewives or hot divorcées is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. 

KELLEY: At the end of the day I’m just going to say incest is best on this one.

Oh, Kelley. Remember three weeks ago when you didn’t want to participate in the pillow fight group date because it might make you look unprofessional, and now you’re making incest jokes on national television? What would your clients say if they could see you now?

I love that MyKenna thinks she relates most to the role of a maid as she dusts one of the tables with the wrong end. Sure, Jan.

MYKENNA ON THIS DATE RN:

Moving into the cocktail portion of the evening, Peter is like “wow you all are stunning, I’m so shocked you’re here for me. Seriously, why? Explain yourselves.” I would like to hear this too, Peter!

Is it just me or does it feel like Hot Victoria is hoping Peter sends her home tonight? I just can’t think of another explanation for why she came dressed like it’s the “hoes & CEOs” mixer at her sorority house. 

Okay, WAIT. Is PETER dumping HER?! If anything I thought she would see herself out. I’m truly shocked that he wouldn’t hold onto her until at least the Fantasy Suites. He tells her that he just doesn’t see her as his wife, and that’s shocking to hear considering the girls he has left in this game. Exhibit A:

Damn. I can’t believe she’s really leaving! Peter asks if he can walk her out and Hot Victoria physically recoils. She’s looking at him like girls with asses like hers do not get dumped by guys with faces like his, and she’s right. 

Elsewhere, Tammy refuses to learn her lesson about starting sh*t in the house. Since her attack on Kelsey didn’t go over so well, she’s set her sights on MyKenna and, honestly, I’m disappointed in her. MyKenna? Really? I get that she’s an easy target and all, but that feels a little too much like going for the low-hanging fruit—even for me! And that’s sort of my whole thing. 

Tammy asks MyKenna if she has any responsibilities outside of this show and it’s like, of course she doesn’t, sweetie. She has a blog that makes $2K a year in revenue and a daddy who thinks a viable excuse for her using the emergency Amex card is that she needed to buy new Yeezys for her Instagram’s vibe.  

Madison gets the group date rose, and it makes a lot of sense because she’s been playing this game like a PRO. I’ve barely seen her on my television screen this entire season, and that’s the way you want to play it. You don’t want to be involved in the drama (Tammy) and you don’t want to start off strong only to have your connection fizzle out later (Hot Victoria). Take it from Catherine Lowe—under the radar is exactly where you want to be. 

Victoria F’s One-On-One Date

Victoria F gets the second one-on-one date of the week and she starts on a good note, by reminding the good folks back home that one time she banged Chase Rice. Subtle. She’s like “I’m not sure if you remember but my ex-boyfriend, Chase Rice, really sabotaged my last one-on-one date even though I’m totally over him, and by ‘him’ I mean Chase Rice. Chase Rice as in the musician Chase Rice. Chase Rice.” Say crack Chase Rice one more time, Victoria! 

Also, I’m sure Chase Rice isn’t losing sleep at night when he’s watching you and Peter square dance on a horse farm, but please do go on. 

CHASE RICE: Do I still want Victoria?
PETER AND VICTORIA CURRENTLY:
CHASE RICE: Nah, I’m good. 

While the date starts out well (or however one would describe what my eyeballs witnessed on that dude ranch), Victoria F admits to Peter that she’s really struggling here. She’s so shy and timid and blah, blah, blah. God, I can’t with this whole insecure act anymore. Poor Victoria. But you know what? I’m sure a sudden photoshoot would turn that frown right around! She’s always talking about what a wallflower she is, and then the second there are cameras, an audience, or a chance to win Revolve’s spring line, she’s suddenly a social f*cking butterfly. Please.

Moving into the cocktail portion of the evening, Victoria F is still being the biggest Debbie Downer. You can tell Peter as at his wit’s end with her. She keeps saying how she doubts her relationship with him and it’s like, actually you’ve had more alone time with him than anyone. You’ve had two one-on-one dates and every rose ceremony you get to rub one out on each other. What more do you want from the man!?

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When in Chile #thebachelor #bachelornation 🌹✈️🥂

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I love how she’s like “this is the most I’ve ever tried with anyone!!!” as if Peter should be so grateful for this fact. I bet Chase Rice and his DMs would beg to differ. 

I will say, I appreciate how direct Peter is being with all of the girls this season. He’s outright asking about their intentions now, instead of waiting until the end of the line when his only option is to jump a fence. Usually when I’m on a date, my idea of being “direct” and “defining the relationship” is asking the guy to pass me a napkin, and then if he does it that’s confirmation enough that we’re exclusive and getting married soon, and somehow that just never works in my favor. It’s crazy.

PETER: No one has ever given me this much sh*t before and I think I might be… hard? Will you accept this rose?

Modern dating, ladies and gentlemen. 

The 2-On-1 Date: Tammy vs. MyKenna

Tbh, I was expecting more from the infamous 2-on-1 date. Tammy and MyKenna feel like a pretty random pairing for this. Sure, they had beef this episode, but otherwise we haven’t really seen them interact. What gives, ABC?

MyKenna launches into this very pretty speech about how she’s a strong-ass woman just living her truth, and it’s like, are you though?? I get the feeling she’s the kind of girl who thinks feminism looks like Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” music video, and she had to skip the Women’s March because brunch. 

Peter tells MyKenna and Tammy that he’s sick of both of their sh*t, and frankly that’s valid. He pulls Tammy aside first to get to the root of their feud, and the way she handles this line of questioning is a choice for sure. Wow. She’s not going about this AT ALL in the right way. She’s been at the center of too much drama, and when Peter asks to hear her side of things she should have just said “let’s focus on us and not the drama,” but instead she’s out here name dropping her company and talking about MyKenna’s hashtags. Not a good look, sweetie.

WHAT. PETER IS SENDING TAMMY HOME?? He tells MyKenna that he’s keeping her because he trusts her, but I trust her about as far as I could throw her. 

The Rose Ceremony

So was the 2-on-1 just a pregame to the rose ceremony? Because I’m confused. We immediately move from Tammy’s elimination into a rose ceremony cocktail party. The girls are relieved that Tammy is gone, but also extremely nervous because now they’ve lost their scapegoat for the evening. They’ll just have to rely on their personalities or something to make it through to the next round. Lol good luck ladies!!

As Peter starts handing out roses, I’m really not sure who is going home tonight. I feel like it might be the end of the road for Natasha and MyKenna, but then why not eliminate MyKenna 30 minutes ago and call it a day? I 100% do not think he’s into Natasha at all. He says he wants an age-appropriate woman, but Peter strikes me as the kind of guy who still whispers the words “over thirty” when he talks about a person’s age in a group setting. 

In a truly SHOCKING twist, Peter gives his final rose to Kelley, which means Sydney and MyKenna are both going home tonight.

Sydney’s parting words were “I enjoyed this,” and I just snorted into my wine glass. That is the same response I gave when my boss asked me to rate the last company happy hour she planned at Applebee’s. 

And that’s all I have for you hoes! After two nights and five hours of Bachelor footage, I physically, emotionally, and spiritually cannot take any more of it. Do you hear me, ABC?? I’M CRYING UNCLE!! Until next week! Adios, bitchachos! 

For more on The Bachelor, check out the first episode of Betchelor Center:

Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @bachelornation /Instagram (1)

For more, subscribe to our NEW Betchelor Breakdown newsletter

UPDATED: An Investigation Into Hannah Ann’s Most Random Modeling Jobs

We’re still several weeks away from finding out who wins this season of The Bachelor, but we all know that Peter’s heart isn’t the only prize at stake. Arguably, the more important competition is for who can get the most Instagram followers and endorsement deals, because we know none of these women ever want to have real jobs again. From day one of the season, Hannah Ann has been an early frontrunner for Bachelor Nation’s Next Top Influencer, winning the first impression rose and the Revolve modeling competition. Lol, I still can’t believe that’s an actual thing that happened on The Bachelor. 

But, as we’ve talked about before, Hannah Ann came onto the show with some major connections already. Of course, she’s been friends with Hannah Godwin and Caelynn Miller-Keyes for years, but she’s also had a lot of experience in the modeling industry. In my previous article about her, I shouted out her prestigious work modeling for a Downy bottle, and I’ll include that again for your viewing pleasure:

A classic, truly, it never gets old. But in the past few weeks, Hannah Ann’s past modeling work has been popping up all over the Internet, and it’s all just so special. Let’s take a look at some of the highlights of Hannah Ann’s pre-Bachelor career.

The true inspiration for this article came last night, when I was lying in bed mindlessly watching Instagram stories, and I stumbled upon a true Hannah Ann gem (shout out to Slutty Puffin). Right there on Amazon is our girl modeling for Spanx! Good for her!! She actually modeled both the nude and the black versions of this bodysuit, in case you want to see which color suits her better.

Seeing Hannah Ann’s face on Amazon piqued my curiosity, so I did some digging, and found lots more gold where the Spanx bodysuit came from. It’s really hard to choose a favorite job of hers, but an early contender is her starring role in a country music video. But it’s not a video for just any country singer—it’s Chris Lane, who just so happens to be married to former Bachelor contestant Lauren Bushnell. Call me Marie Kondo, because I love mess.

In the video, Hannah Ann plays the classic girl at the bar all alone, who blows Chris off at first before ultimately running off to dance with him in some kind of dark field. I would make fun of that plotline, but it’s decidedly more relatable than I would like to admit. At the end of the video, a cop car rolls up, and the cop turns out to be Hannah Ann’s dad. He makes her leave, acting like Chris Lane is about to murder her, and she says something about how it’s a small town, so they’ll probably see each other again. I gotta say, Hannah Ann’s acting in the video is… less than good, but it’s still a must-watch.

When I watched the video, my first question was whether Chris and Hannah Ann ever hooked up, but I doubt they did for a couple reasons. First, the video was released in late 2018, and Chris was already with Lauren by that point. But the more compelling reason is that if anything happened, you know the Bachelor producers would’ve been all over that sh*t. Picture a Victoria/Chase Rice situation, except they would also bring Lauren on to fight with Hannah Ann. Am I the only one kind of wishing this would happen? As I said before, I love mess.

Lucky for us, Hannah Ann has posted on Instagram about some of her past modeling gigs, and she didn’t go back and delete all her old posts. Thanks, girl! Three full years ago, she modeled for a Sonic Drive-In campaign, and I really just love how pure this photo is. Like, you know the Sonic ad team wanted a wholesome-looking white girl who would appeal to all the Republicans in middle America, and Hannah Ann was a perfect fit! I’m not sure how the binoculars fit into the fast food vibe, but whatever.

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Loved working for a company that makes my favorite slushes 😋🍧🍦#sonic #ad

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But I really think my favorite past gig of Hannah Ann’s is being the cover model for a YA book about cheerleading. The book is listed on Amazon as a 7th grade reading level, but I just got done watching Cheer on Netflix, so I really might have to order this. Turn It Up was released way back in 2014, which means that Hannah Ann was like, 17 years old when this picture was taken, so like, props to her for getting an early start in the industry.

Hannah Ann also posted a throwback behind the scenes video of the cover shoot, and I really can’t believe we’re so lucky to have this footage available on the internet. Emily is the name of the character in the book, by the way, so Hannah Ann doesn’t have a teenage cheerleader alter ego.

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Throwback to one of the best days ever shooting the #TurnItUp book cover with @varsityspirit @varsityfashions 💥📸🎥 #barnesandnoble #production #littleme

A post shared by Hannah Ann Sluss (@hannahann) on

Hannah Ann Sluss is a star, there’s no doubt about it. We’re only four weeks into The Bachelor, and she already has 0ver 400,000 followers, so the world really is her oyster. Whether or not she makes it to the end, she already got what she came for. In terms of her modeling career, I have a feeling she’ll be leaning more into doing Revolve ads than getting back to her roots of detergent bottles and fast food ads, but at least we have these past moments to look back on. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go order that cheerleading book ASAP.

UPDATE: Hannah Ann is still going strong on this season of The Bachelor, and random evidence of her modeling work is still popping up literally everywhere. Today, a good samaritan of Instagram slid into my DMs with what is already one of my new favorite Hannah Ann moments. Spotted out in the wild at a CVS, here’s Hannah Ann modeling for Foster Grant sunglasses. Truly, good for her. They don’t put just anyone on those spinny CVS sunglass holders, so I’m sure this job was a really big moment for her.

UPDATE 2: I’m so glad we’re all in this together, fam. This morning, my inbox was graced with some prime Hannah Ann content (sent to my by @laciehulse, you’re a real one!), because the limit on Hannah Ann’s random modeling jobs clearly does not exist.

Today’s Hannah Ann goodness comes in the form of a Facebook ad for Lull mattresses, and it features our girl on what might just be the saddest-looking bed I’ve ever seen. It’s decorated for President’s Day, meaning there’s an American flag on an otherwise bare wall, a red fuzzy blanket, and some half-full balloons that look like they’re left over from Fourth of July. Decorating for President’s Day isn’t even really a thing, and this display is just tragic. But still, I’m glad this holiday presented another opportunity for Hannah Ann to get a check.

UPDATE 3: Wow, what a week this has been. In the past three days, four people have slid into my DMs with their Hannah Annvidence, and my heart has never been so full. For today’s update, we have two additions to the Hannah Ann case file, so let’s get started.

First, from @ceeecillle, we have fitness some content! Here’s our gal H.A. modeling on the package for GAIAM resistance bands, which she shows off in both a blue and purple top. Love that versatility! Hannah Ann is so good at looking focused on the task at hand, even if there’s no chance she was actually working out here. I hope they gave her some free resistance bands on top of whatever she got paid, because we all know the best part of modeling is the free stuff you get to take home.

Next up, we’ve got some modeling work that’s right up the alley of many former Bachelor contestants: taking Instagram pics for a random online boutique! The lovely @emily_dory sent me the profile of Closet Candy Boutique, and Hannah Ann is literally all over their page. They’re loving her run on The Bachelor, and they’ve posted three photos of her just in the last 24 hours. Here’s one of her wearing one of the most basic outfits ever—love that I can see the dirty bottom of her shoes!

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Double tap if you'd wear this for date night 🖤 @hannahann_sluss sure looks like she's catching feelings for Peter. Her top is online at closetcandy.com > Catching Feelings Top.

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Upon further research, not only is Hannah Ann a big presence on Closet Candy’s Instagram, but she’s also a featured model on their website! This might not be the cover of Vogue, but Hannah is out here booking! those! jobs!!! Here’s a whole page of JUST Hannah Ann looking great in some reasonably priced casual wear! She can really do everything.

UPDATE 4: Hello, and welcome back to our regularly scheduled update on Hannah Ann’s modeling career. Hannah Ann has officially made it to hometowns, and we’re not done with the Hannah Ann modeling case file. Today’s new piece of Hannah Annvidence (thanks to @audrasnyder) might just be the most random yet, which is really saying something. Close your eyes and go with me to Nashville, Tennessee, home of hot chicken, honky tonk, and Hannah Ann’s face on a menu.

I didn’t even know menu models were a thing, but leave it to Hannah Ann to break into sectors of the industry that we didn’t even know existed. A trailblazer, really. This is the drink menu for Nudie’s honky tonk bar, and while I prefer the IRL evidence, you can also see her smiling face on the Nudie’s website. I hope she got paid double for doing print and digital!

UPDATE 5: Hey again! If you’re wondering, yes, I live here now. Talking about Hannah Ann (and Victoria F) is my full-time job, and I’ve let all other responsibilities in my life fall by the wayside. Sorry to all the bills I haven’t paid because I have to monitor my DMs 24/7.

Over the weekend, I got a lovely little piece of Hannah Annvidence from the hilarious @hoegivesnofucks, who posts amazing memes and has over a million IG followers. We’ve started a movement here, and the Hannah Ann revolution cannot be stopped. Or like, her modeling career can’t be stopped. I might be taking this too seriously. Our newest Hannah Ann goodness is a video montage of her in Miami, modeling for a boutique.

We see her in many outfits in the quick clip, mostly looking straight into the camera with her piercing green eyes. Honestly, I get why Peter has kept her around this long, she looks amazing. The music in the video is the exact kind of soft, lyric-less EDM you would expect, and it actually seems really well-produced. Boutique modeling is obviously Hannah Ann’s bread and butter, and I can see why she’s in such high demand. You go, Glen Coco!

UPDATE 6: With today’s update, I think we may have officially reached peak craziness for Hannah Ann content. I know I said the random Nashville menu was wild, but that was before I saw this. Today’s Hannah Annvidence comes from @tiffanyrose.kinsey on Instagram, and I am so, so, SO grateful. Buckle up, because I’m proud to present Hannah Ann the quinceañera model:

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Looove this traditional Quinceañera dress from the LA Glitter collection 😍 This gown is legit! Style 24018 #quinceañera #quince #ballgown

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When I saw this photo, I nearly fell out of my chair. It is… so many things. First of all, if you’re unfamiliar, a quinceañera is the celebration of a girl’s 15th birthday. It’s a huge tradition in Mexico and other Latin American countries—think of it like a sweet 16 party, but with church first. Quinceañera dresses are usually red, and like, f*cking huge.

I have to say, Hannah Ann seems like an odd choice for this gig. Like, imagine booking someone named “Hannah Ann Sluss” for your quinceañera modeling gig—what kind of white nonsense is this? In this second photo, it reallyyyyy looks like Hannah Ann got a deep spray tan for this job, and to that I say, yikes. I would really love if she showed up in this dress to fantasy suites, just to see the look on Peter’s face. Don’t let us down, Han!

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It’s FriYay 💕

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UPDATE 7: Did you think we were done with this? Not a chance! At this point, I’m convinced that we’ll never run out of Hannah Ann modeling jobs to talk about, and I’m not complaining. Today, @shedabbles was just minding her own business, shopping for a new swimsuit on swimoutlet.com, when she stumbled upon the one and only Hannah Ann. She really has a way of coming about when you least expect her.

Quinceañera dresses and swimsuits??? Get you a girl who can do both. I’m not sure I’m a fan of this actual swimsuit, but Hannah Ann looks good. Bonus points if she busts this one out during the Bachelor finale!

If you see more of Hannah Ann’s work, either on the internet or IRL, please don’t hesitate to send it my way, because documenting her modeling career is now my primary purpose in life. What a time to be alive!

Images: ABC; Amazon (3), hannahann_sluss (2), laciehulse, ceeecillle, audrasnyder / Instagram

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The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Champagne Showers

Presented by SkinnyPop

Hello and welcome back to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read! Every Monday I tell myself that this will be the Monday that I cut ties with this disease-ridden franchise and do something for myself. The things I would do with those two hours back in my life! I could download a workout video! I could watch that workout video while eating Cheetos by the handful in bed! I could take a nap! Re-watch Criminal Minds in its entirety for the third time! The possibilities are truly endless, and yet, every Monday I find myself coming back for more. Sighs. It’s nice to dream though, isn’t it?

Moving on. When last we left off, ABC had just delivered a jam-packed three-hour episode, and it was a little disconcerting tbh. When ABC declares an episode will be “dramatic” I’m conditioned to understand that this means I will be forced to endure no less than an hour and 50 minutes worth of meaningless fluff and 10 minutes of footage that makes me so uncomfortable that I want to disintegrate into my couch. It’s diabolical. But last week, ABC truly delivered. Not only did we get to see the night one rose ceremony, but we also got to see a group date, a one-on-one date, AND the beginnings of a second group date! We saw so much footage I was nervous I had somehow slipped and hit my head and this was all some kind of crazy fever dream.

Which brings us to this week: Hannah Brown is crying in a closet because her ex might actually be moving on from her. This is, like, 90 percent of the time why I cry at bars (the other 10 percent is because I know my dog is too good for me), so I feel for her, I really do. Peter asks Hannah if she’d be willing to give them a second shot. He would like to date her but also the 20+ other women he’s contractually obligated to give the time of day. What’s terrifying is that Hannah is actually, like, considering this change in events?? I’m not sure what sort of new low you need to reach as a person to consider not only taking back your ex but ACTIVELY competing for his love with an entire pledge class worth of girls, but Hannah, blink once if you need me to call a hotline for you.

PETER: You should have told me not to be The Bachelor. I never said no to you, you’re the one who said no to me.
ME:

Hannah’s like “can I give you a hug, Peter?” and okay, that’s more of a hug than I would give my grandmother, Hannah!! You guys, she just curled up into his lap like a goddamn cat! Her hand is on his thigh! His head is in her lap! This is the most personal thing I’ve ever witnessed on this show, and I’m so uneasy about it. ABC is too, I think, because they keep flipping back and forth between Peter tearfully stroking Hannah’s back like he just learned she has a terminal illness, to the rest of the women as they talk about which sex position will get the most slaps during their performance.

Honestly, can they just be together and be done with it?? I know I’m not supposed to root for Hannah Brown but MY GOD you can’t deny sparks like that. And look, I know, I know, that Hannah will not be back at this house. She still has to finish out Dancing with the Stars and Peter signed a contract to be the next Bachelor (like it or not), but I’m really really rooting for these two. Their connection is palpable. 

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AND THATS THE MOTHERFUCKIN TEA! (Edit: I believe this is about Hannah B since it was one minute into the episode)

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Hell has frozen over because I agree with Colton about something. 

Hannah decides that maybe—lol, this is so random honestly—but maybe this is less about Peter and more about Hannah not wanting her ex to move on before she does. Lol SO random. Meanwhile, the look Peter gives the camera when he ultimately realizes they need to part ways is more on par with a prisoner of war then a man who has to go back and seduce a room full of cosmetically-enhanced superwomen. I feel for you, Peter, I do. 

Peter tells the women that he can’t go through with the rest of this date, that he needs to process his emotions, and the women look far too upset about the fact that they won’t have to talk about the one time they tried edible underwear and got a yeast infection from it. Ladies don’t look so down, this is a good thing!!

PETER: I’m sorry, but let’s just reconvene later. I need to go emotionally masturbate to my relationship with Hannah right now. You understand?

Oh, they understand. Especially the 31-year-old who is PISSED about this whole Hannah B thing. She breaks the cardinal rule of this show by talking sh*t to the Bachelor early on. Doesn’t she realize that snitches get stitches on here?! This is like, rule #1 of this show. She tells Peter that he shouldn’t be working out his personal issues with his exes on this show, and I feel like she’s missing the entire point of The Bachelor

The rest of the girls decide to put the Hannah thing behind them and move forward in their relationships with Peter. There’s talk about “strengthening bonds,” which I’m to take actually means aggressive makeouts and extreme heavy petting because there is a lot of that going on in this room. 

Sydney gets the group date rose after she and Peter bond over both being biracial. Sydney admits growing up in the South as a person of color was pretty hard and that she experienced a lot of bullying and discrimination. It’s heartfelt and genuine and I’d love to see more from her. Meanwhile, Peter admits to salsa dancing that one time with his parents in the kitchen. Christ.

The Rose Ceremony Champagne Crisis Of 2020

Moving on to the rose ceremony. Peter starts things off by letting the women know he is absolutely 100% not into Hannah anymore and then proceeds to say her name no less than 12 times in the span of five minutes. Methinks the pilot doth protest too much…

The night starts off on a low note when Peter’s first conversation is with a girl who he remembers because she is the token redhead… but this is all he remembers. 

TOKEN REDHEAD: I had the red car on night one? Red hair, red car. Remember?
PETER: I… remember production has been making me carry around these car keys for the last week and now that’s starting to make sense.

Meanwhile, no one is more upset at this rose ceremony than Kelsey. She’s worried that Peter won’t remember her and she’ll be sent home this week and it’s like, honey, don’t sell yourself short. No one is going to be able to forget those beached whale sobs that have been coming out of your mouth all evening. 

But Kelsey has a plan! And that plan involves a bottle of champagne she brought all the way from her hometown’s Costco for this very occasion. We learn that she’s been saving this bottle of champagne for *checks notes* an entire year. I’m sorry, but A YEAR?! That bottle looks suspiciously like it might be Korbel to me. I’m going to assume that won’t age well. 

Wow, Peter is just full of gifts tonight. During some alone time with Madison he gives her a framed photo of the two of them from his parents’ vow renewal ceremony. I have concerns. A framed photo after one date feels like something only a serial killer would gift you right before they plot your death. On the other hand, when they inevitably break up in a few weeks, this will make for some nice kindling when she goes to burn all his sh*t. But, like, memories too.

 

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Swipe for a closer look… #thebachelor

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Elsewhere, Hannah Ann walks into a straight-up bear trap. She and Peter happen upon Kelsey’s bottle of André just like production told them to. They decide to pop it and all of  Kelsey’s dreams. 

HANNAH ANN: *pops champagne*
KELSEY:

ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:
The pop heard ‘round the world!

Okay, is Kelsey ACTUALLY confronting Hannah Ann to Peter’s face?! Kelsey, honey, baby, sweetie, you never EVER make a scene in front of the lead! This is the kiss of death! A man doesn’t want to see that you have emotions unless those emotions involve a fantasy suite and a windmill, mmkay!!

Peter tries to calm Kelsey down and it’s like watching a handler at the zoo try and comfort a manic depressive koala. He suggests that they pop a new bottle of champagne together, preferably one that hasn’t been sitting in the glove compartment of Kelsey’s car for the last year.

KELSEY: You’re right, I’m so sober rn I could use a drink.
ALSO KELSEY:

YOU GUYS I AM F*CKING DEAD. DECEASED. LOWER ME INTO MY GRAVE NOW BECAUSE I’LL NEVER SEE ANYTHING BETTER THAN THAT 15 SECONDS OF FOOTAGE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

When that bottle of champagne spews all over Kelsey’s tear-stained face, a part of me that I thought was long-since dead came back to life. Thank you, ABC. That was truly magical.

And that moves us to the rose ceremony. Peter starts things off by saying that his wife is in the room but, like, I don’t see Hannah B anywhere in that room, sooo? 

WHAT. KELSEY GETS A ROSE?! When did acting like a drunken psycho suddenly become behavior worth rewarding? No, seriously, when? Because last weekend when I drunkenly snapped at my ex, all it got me was shame, regret, and some new dick pics. Definitely not any roses, though.

Welcome to the loser’s club, Courtney, Lauren, and Payton, because you’re all going home this week.

The Group Date

For the group date this week, the women will be modeling for Revolve. This feels very meta to me. What’s next? A competition to see who can build the best presets? When the women learn that the winner of Revolve’s Next Top Model will get more than just Peter’s attention, but an entire store’s worth of merchandise? It’s the first time I’ve seen any of them express true happiness. You love to see it. 

Meanwhile, Victoria (not Hot Victoria but the other Victoria) is having a hard time with this date. She wants Peter’s attention but doesn’t want to compete with a room full of Instagram’s hottest women to get it. Again, was she not aware of what this show would entail?

Christ. Watching Peter strut his stuff down the runway is making my reproductive organs shrivel up and die. Case in point:

Peter

Okay, the women literally just picked out what they’re wearing to Stagecoach this year. I can’t. 

For all of Victoria’s moaning about not being confident and being an insecure wallflower, she is OOZING sex appeal on this catwalk. I mean, her evening “look” is literally just lingerie underneath Keanu’s coat from The Matrix.

VICTORIA: I feel, like, noticed.

Well, I can practically see your areola, so I certainly hope so. 

Though Victoria places in the top two, ultimately Hannah Ann wins Revolve’s Next Top Model, which tracks because I’m pretty sure she is actually a model for Revolve. She gets to go home with a trunk full of new clothes, while Victoria gets to go home knowing her grandmother has seen her get groped by a commercial airline pilot in a dingy room with neon uplighting. Everyone’s a winner.

Victoria takes these insecurities into the cocktail portion of the date by immediately crying to Peter. She keeps saying how hard this process is and how hard she’s trying to get his attention and how hard this whole experience has been for her. Do you want to know what’s really going to be hard, Victoria? The thesaurus I throw at you so you can learn a goddamn synonym. 

 “I don’t know if you’re worth my mental health”— something I will be telling my manager during my next performance review. 

Kelsey grabs Peter next, and she is looking awfully confident for a girl who, less than 24 hours ago, took a champagne shower on national television. And what do you know! She’s drinking champagne again with Peter! She’s nothing if not on brand. 

Hannah Ann decides that being gifted an entirely new wardrobe is not enough and she would prefer to collect her winnings through the pain and suffering of her enemies. I can relate. She tells Peter that she’s being bullied by Kelsey, which feels like a lie mostly because Kelsey has either been crying or passed out for the majority of this episode. I’d like to see those receipts, Hannah Ann. 

KESLEY: That’s two nights where I haven’t cried!
KELSEY AFTER SHE HEARS HANNAH ANN CALLED HER A BULLY: 

Victoria gets the group date rose and it’s totally because she was honest and vulnerable with Peter and not at all because if he looked close enough he could see a nipple through that runway outfit of hers. So sweet.

Just as the episode is wrapping up, Peter pulls Kelsey aside to confront her about the bullying thing. He feels about as comfortable in that role as Chris Harrison did explaining giving Colton “the talk.” Kelsey says that she’s been bullied before—hello Peter, did you even SEE what happened with her Walgreen’s champagne the other night?!—and this is not it. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Peter sides with Hannah Ann or the woman who won’t stop crying in public restrooms. Only time will tell!

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Is Hannah Ann An ABC Plant? Everything You Need To Know About Her

Earlier this week, we finally got to meet the new crop of women who are looking for sponsorship deals love on this season of The Bachelor. As per usual, the producers found 30 of the hottest, most desperate ladies from around the nation, and now we get to watch their shenanigans every Monday night. Who said America doesn’t have culture? There are obviously way too many contestants to keep track of, and some of the more random ones have already been sent home, but we’re starting to get an idea of who this season’s heavy hitters will be. Of course, it’s early in the season, and someone could surprise us, but right now, it looks like this year’s breakout star will be Hannah Ann.

On the season premiere, Hannah Ann made a strong impression—both on Pilot Pete and the viewers. She notably asked to steal Peter three different times, and was also the first woman that Peter kissed of his own free will. This behavior could’ve easily come off thirsty, and it did but it paid off, and Hannah Ann got Peter’s first impression rose. On the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast, Peter explained his choice, saying Hannah Ann “knew exactly what she wanted coming into this and never let me question that.” Personally, that sounds like the beginning of a scenario in which someone gets kidnapped, but I’m glad he’s into it. Rachel Lindsay compared Hannah Ann’s night one behavior to the infamous Luke P, but Peter wasn’t having it. (I honestly think a more apt comparison is Corinne, but I have a feeling they don’t speak her name anymore in ABC-approved Bachelor world.) I don’t think Hannah Ann is going to win this season, but Peter is obviously fond of her.

We’ll have to wait to see how Hannah Ann’s time on the show unfolds, but in the mean time, there’s so much more information we need to talk about. As we already knew from reading her bio, Hannah Ann is a 23-year-old model from Knoxville, Tennessee. She loves to paint, and still lives with her parents, which seems like a big red flag until you remember she’s only 23. This combination of facts doesn’t make me confident that she’s ready for marriage, but I also suspect that’s not really why she’s on the show. I know, groundbreaking!

Hannah Ann’s bio really doesn’t stand out much from all the other women on The Bachelor, but there’s a lot more than meets the eye. When I first went to her Instagram, I was shocked to see that she already has almost 200,000 followers. I’m sorry, what?? This season started not 48 hours ago, and Hannah Ann already has all the followers she needs in order to never work a normal job again. I did a quick comparison with other early frontrunners this season, and this is… not normal. While Madison, who got the season’s first one-on-one date, has 186K followers, none of the other women have even cracked the 100K mark.

Hannah Ann’s large number of followers can partly be attributed to the fact that she’s like, an actual model. She’s posted photos from campaigns for celebrity-backed brands like Kristin Cavallari’s Uncommon James and Khloé Kardashian’s Good American, which are actually pretty legit jobs. But personally, my favorite gig of hers is as the woman running on the Downy detergent bottle. Make that sweet, sweet laundry coin, Hannah Ann.

Besides her real-world modeling cred, Hannah Ann is also friends with some influential people in the Bachelor universe. She met Hannah Godwin through modeling, and they’ve actually been good friends for over a year now. Just look at this post from September, 2018, in which Hannah Ann called Hannah “the ketchup to my fries.” Yeah thanks, I hate that. Neither of you has ever so much as swallowed one fry, so stop pretending. More importantly, this timeline means that the two Hannahs (this is exhausting) were friends before Hannah G even went on The Bachelor, so it’s not a relationship built solely on desperation.

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You are the ketchup to my fries 🍟

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In other “because duh” news, Hannah Ann has also been friends with Caelynn for a long time, as evidenced by this comment on her photo from all the way back in 2017. There’s an easy explanation for this friendship: pageants. Yeah, this show just gets more predictable year after year. Hannah Ann never won a major pageant title like Caelynn or Hannah Brown, she placed in the top five of Miss Tennessee USA four different years. Maybe I’m dumb, but I really did not realize that pageants worked like this. I always thought that if you didn’t win on your first or second try, you hung up your sash, but I guess Hannah Ann isn’t a quitter.

With these connections in mind, it’s no big surprise that the Bachelor producers found Hannah Ann. She’s the exact archetype of what a perfect Bachelor contestant looks like in 2020, so it was only a matter of time. Honestly, she might be the closest thing to a network plant (besides Tia) we’ve had on the show. So maybe her getting the first impression rose isn’t a coincidence, after all? Whatever, I’m not here to talk about conspiracy theories.

Anyway, now that Hannah Ann finally has a taste of Bachelor fame, it looks like she’s not wasting it. On Monday, she posted about the premiere (of course with a hot photo that had nothing to do with the show), and everyone took notice of one thirsty comment in particular.It came from none other than Patrick Schwarzenegger, who’s famous for being a Schwarzenegger, a Kennedy, and an ex of Miley Cyrus. In the era of Bachelor alums dating stars like Gigi Hadid and Demi Lovato, why wouldn’t Patrick Schwarzenegger be dropping thirsty comments on Hannah Ann’s photos. Honestly, it’s what she deserves.

While this isn’t like, a hard and fast spoiler for the season, Hannah Ann’s flirty reply to Patrick’s comment makes me feel like she probably isn’t getting engaged to Pilot Pete. And really, why would she want to? She’s clearly getting all the exposure and followers she could ever want from this, so why would she want to be tied down? I have a feeling she’s going to pull a full Tyler Cameron—make it far in the season, then go do absolutely whatever she wants. Maybe she’ll go to Paradise, maybe she won’t, but the world is her oyster. Now get out there and get those sponsorship deals!

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