Hooray for cocktails! Honestly, we feel v classy while sitting and sippin’ on something colorful and cute. It’s like, who we are as people. But we don’t feel cute come the splitting headache, irritability (more than usual), general feeling that we’re dying, and potential for barfing in our eggs benedict at brunch the next morning. Yes, drinking is fun, but hangovers are the worst. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice we grapple with every day. Since the beginning of time (I assume), people have been looking for how to drink without getting hungover. In general, to avoid a hangover, stick with vodka and gin, plain and simple. Additionally, the higher shelf the liquor is, the better, since the filtration processes are going to remove more unwanted shit. So, when given the choice between Grey Goose and Dubra (FLASHBACK FLASHBACK HELP), go ahead and splurge on the Grey Goose.
Secondly, your mixer should be natural and/or sugar-free. So, carbonated water, unflavored soda, and pure fruit choices are going to be the best choices if you want a weekend that doesn’t require you to inhale a pizza to feel better. Don’t want to do any brain work and figure out a cocktail using the above tips? I did it for you. These cocktails will help you along your journey of figuring outhow to drink without getting hungover, Or like, more accurately, how to drink without getting *as* hungover. Don’t chug twice as many vodka waters as you normally would and @ me. That’s not how this works.
1. Vodka Soda
YAS QUEEN YAS. No one should be surprised that the reigning queen of betchy drinks, the low-calorie vodka soda, can do no wrong in terms of hangovers, either. Since vodka has almost no congeners, which is a fancy name for added shit, it doesn’t contribute as badly to the Sunday morning regrets (in terms of your body … not who you texted). Add in soda water, which has no sugar, and you’re well on your way to having a headache-free morning. Praise be.
2. Sea Breeze
Since this cocktail sounds like the given name of a 1980s cruise ship, you probably aren’t too familiar with it. SURPRISE, SURPRISE—it’s our old friend, vodka, with grapefruit and cranberry juice, coming in HOT for a hangover-free weekend. As we know from extensive research, vodka is the best choice in liquor for avoiding a hangover. Add in some real cranberry juice (not cranberry juice cocktail) and fresh squeezed grapefruit juice for a refreshing combo that 1985 would be proud of. Break out the shoulder pads.
3. Tom Collins
You know a cocktail’s gonna be good when it sounds like a fancy British man. The Tom Collins combines gin, lemon juice, sugar, and carbonated water. Gin is a clear liquor (or like, blue), so it’s a good option that won’t make you as hungover. Lemon juice has pretty much no sugar—same goes for carbonated water, so we’re in the clear there. The sugar can pose a bit of a problem, but if you’re making the cocktail yourself, just chill on the sweet shit and you should be fine. This is like the adult’s answer to lemonade.
Wanna pretend you’re on Mad Men and lacking in basic human rights? Time to pound a martini! The classic gin martini (vodka martinis are delicious but they are for trash people … although that probs won’t give you a hangover either) is essentially a splash of dry vermouth (not enough to even matter) with gin and an olive or lemon peel. No sugar here. I mean, this is literally a glorified shot in a bigger glass.
5. Gin & Tonic
Remember: If you drink gin and tonics you may be a psycho, but you probably won’t get that hungover. Tonic has a fuckton of sodium, so you may bloat, but the lack of sugar in the gin or the tonic means you’re pretty well on your way to not throwing up at brunch again.
Images: Kaizen Nguyen / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
Sure, it’s the new year, and sure, according to society’s standards you should be giving up all that is good and holy things in this world (vodka sodas, white wine, emotionally abusing your friends and family), but unless you need actual professional help (watch an episode of Intervention and compare yourself with that if you’re unclear), I say fuck that standard. What you need to do instead is be proactive, not reactive. As in, plan ahead, so you can hide your alcohol problem like you’ve been doing all along, but just better. How you ask? With the following hangover beauty products.
1. Skyn Iceland’s Skin Hangover Kit, $25
A shit ton of travel size, beauty hangover cures that are perfect to stash in your purse on the way out the door. Toning mist, eye cream, a cooling moisturizer. There’s literally nothing else you’ll need the morning after, except for like, an Uber so you can GTFO.
2. Toxic Twins One Night Detox, $27
You apply these “sap sheets” to the soles of your feet at night (fucking weird, but never say never) , and apparently they get rid of toxins. No word on whether or not they extract hatred from your soul, but would be willing to start a Kickstarter for that product.
3. Rodial Super Acids X-Treme Hangover Mask, $56
Unfortunately, this product doesn’t include LSD. It is definitely X-Treme though.
4. Daily Wonders What Happened Last Night? Revitalizing Mask, $4
Seriously, tf happened????
5. Belif First Aid Anti-Hangover Soothing Mask
Put it on right before bed (which should be a fun journey, post vodka) and wake up to a not puffy face.
6. Too Faced Hangover Replenishing Face Primer
A primer that’s said to hydrate, smooth, brighten, and erase all of last night’s mistakes. Godspeed!
Going to brunch is a sacred rite of betchdom, and the brunch crew that you assemble to meet every Sunday for mimosas is low-key the most important relationship in any betch’s life. I mean sure, family is up there, but is family gonna be there for you when you black out at 1pm on a Sunday and end up texting your ex a screenshot of Taylor Swift lyrics? Nah. That’s a job for your brunch crew. Within that crew, there are very specific roles that must be played. Each brunch crew must have:
1) “The Social Media Addict,” aka the person who spend the entire brunch on her phone, snapping photos and demanding you like them. This behavior is only annoying until she takes a fire pic of you in amazing lighting that gets 100+ likes. Then you remember why she’s such an integral part of the crew.
2) “The Deathly Hungover One,” aka the person who should actually be in the hospital but somehow made it to brunch. This person will puke 3-4 times throughout the meal and somehow also drink more than anyone.
3) “The One Who’s Always Extra,” aka the one who always brings the drama. Every week, some catastrophe has befallen this person, whether it be running into her ex at the bar or being tagged in a sub-par photo. 90% of brunch will be spent figuring out this betch’s life problems, and she will ignore 100% of the advice your crew provides.
4) “The Annoying Healthy One,” aka the one who just came from hot yoga and won’t shut tf up about it. She’ll order the tiniest salad possible and spend the entire brunch talking about her diet. Most of the time you want to kill her, but she’s great for that one week a month where you decide to go to the gym.
5) “The No-Show,” aka the person who was maybe kidnapped last night. Has anyone seen Emily? Who was the last person to get her? Wait…
Check Out Our Video ‘The Types Of Girls You Meet At Brunch’ Below:
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When you spend 80 percent of your weekends taking tequila shots and drunkenly begging some DJ to play “Despacito”, it would be kinda nice to spend the other 20 percent doing something productive like working out. We all know how hard it is to make it to the gym, and unless you’re some freak that doesn’t get hungover, we’re all pretty much dead by Sunday morning. After doing some research, we found out that working out with a hangover isn’t totally off limits, but certain types of exercise are better than others if you want to come out alive. Here are the best and worst workouts you can do when you literally need sunglasses to open the fridge.
The Best: Barre
If you wake up and you’re still wearing last night’s wedges, chances are you can barely move. Luckily for you, barre classes are one of the only types of fitness classes where you’ll actually get a good workout while basically staying stationary the whole time. Aside from pulsing your ass until your thighs shake and lifting two-pound weights while wondering when you got so weak, you’ll pretty much be holding onto the bar the entire time and avoiding any moves that might make you more nauseous than you already are.
A 10am spin class might sound like hell after a night out, but sweating out last night’s tequila is actually legit, and there’s no sweat like a spin class sweat. You’ll feel amazing after sweating out your alcohol and the endorphins might actually help cure your headache. Plus, unlike running, you’re not really bouncing up and down since cycling is mainly leg-focused, so you’re less likely to vomit on the person next to you. So that’s a plus.
Boxing is another cardio exercise that doesn’t really involve jumping around, which makes it ideal for a hungover Sunday workout. Workouts that include plyometric moves like burpees and box jumps might make you sick to your stomach, so boxing is a good way to sweat your ass off without seeing stars 10 minutes in. Also, you can pretend to be punching your Saturday night self for (once again) forgetting to drink water.
Pilates classes challenge your muscles in different ways than traditional strength or cardio workouts do, and you don’t have to kill yourself to get an effective workout out of it. Whether you’re taking a reformer class or a mat-based class, you’ll feel the burn in your legs, arms, and abs, and you don’t even have to listen to pounding music that could worsen your headache.
The Worst: Hot Yoga
A lot of people make the mistake of signing up for a yoga class when they’re hungover because it seems like a chiller workout than other classes. Although that could be true, it’s not the case with hot yoga. When you’re hungover, your body is already dehydrated AF, so doing downward dogs in a boiling hot room isn’t doing you any favors. My friend literally fainted one time during hot yoga because she was so hungover, and the room was so dark that nobody even noticed. Personally, I wouldn’t risk it. Unless you plan on chugging like, a gallon of water before and after and have a buddy who can monitor your vitals, stick to air conditioned workouts.
I mean, I don’t even wanna meet the psycho who would consider doing sprints with a hangover, but in case this applies to you, call it off. Now. Treadmill classes like Barry’s Bootcamp are hardcore and make you feel amazing when you have the energy, but with a hangover, you’ll just get dizzy and super nauseous. Aside from probably throwing up on the treadmill, you’ll just get a head rush from the loud music and flashing lights.
If you’re feeling at all queasy or lightheaded when you wake up, I would do your body a favor and skip your ab routine today. We have nothing against crunches and scissor kicks, but let’s not forget that your abs lie where your stomach is, so working the muscles in that area will only make you feel worse. Don’t say we didn’t warn you when all your blood rushes to your head while you’re holding a plank.
If you can’t remember how many shots you took last night or how many slices of pizza you ate when you were wasted at 3am, boot camp today is just a hard no. Boot camp classes usually involve intense full body moves like burpees, squat jumps, and other jumping movements that will literally make you hurl. And besides, who needs some jacked instructor yelling in your face to do 10 more lunges? I’d rather die. Thanks though.
Listen up, heathens. Whether or not you even know what the real meaning of Memorial Day is, you and I both know you drank enough alcohol this weekend to put Lady Liberty under the table. But now the memorializing/excuse for drinking is over and it’s time to drag your bloated, hungover body into work like an adult with bills to pay and a mouth to feed.
Unfortunately, you probably feel like you have absolutely destroyed all the work you put into achieving the summer body you were able to display this weekend. Fortunately, you have a few weeks to prepare for the next big binge drinking excuse of the summer, 4th of July. But in the meantime, the next day or two are not going to be easy.
So what’s a betch to do? Follow advice she found on the internet, obviously. Here are 7 ways to detox after all the burgers you ate and shots you took this weekend.
1. Drink A Fuckton Of Water
Research shows that hangovers are caused at least in part by dehydration. While the very thought of chugging anything may make you want to vom right now, start sipping on some water ASAP.
2. Replace Your Electrolytes
Again, you’re probably super dehydrated right now, which means you need to replenish all the body salts you lost while participating in the great American tradition of getting blackout. Sports drinks and salty soups like miso soup are good sources of electrolytes, plus they make you look like you just did something athletic.
3. Eat A Banana
Apparently potassium is good for counterbalancing sodium, so it can reduce all that water making you swell to three times your size. If you don’t like bananas for whatever reason (I get it; you can’t transport them anywhere without them turning to mush, you can’t eat them in public for fear that some perv will get the wrong idea), snack on other potassium-rich foods like sweet potatoes, yogurt, clams, etc.
4. Go For A Walk
Studies have shown that going for a walk after eating helps lower your blood sugar and get your digestive system moving faster. I’m assuming you’ve already digested all the beer from yesterday, but go for a walk just in case—your body can use all the help it can get. It also puts you in a better mood, so you might manage to make it through the day without stabbing someone in the eye with a ballpoint pen.
5. Make Asparagus Tonight
Asparagus is also known to help your hangover go away faster by up-regulating cell metabolisms. In other words, it helps you metabolize alcohol faster. Who knew?
6. Go For A Starbucks Run
Caffeine has been shown to reduce headaches caused by hangovers, so indulge in your Starbucks addiction today, assuming you haven’t already. Just make sure to go back to #1 and drink water afterward, because caffeine causes dehydration.
7. Skip The Seltzer
Carbonated drinks have bubbles in them. Bubbles contain air. Gas and bloating are caused by air in your digestive system. You do the math—stay far, far away from carbonated stuff today, unless you want to continue looking and feeling like the angry marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
We may as well accept that hangovers are just a part of life. This is why you never make plans on Sunday. Because no matter how hard you try, you will have to cancel them in favor of staying in your bed and guzzling Advil all day. Unfortunately, the older you get, the less down your body is to recover after a night of whiskey shots on an empty stomach. And even when you remember to actually drink water while you’re out (accidentally drinking a sip because you thought it was vodka doesn’t count) you still find yourself feeling like you got hit by a truck the next morning. Or maybe you actually were hit by a truck? Saturday night is always kind of a blur TBH.
In an attempt to further get our shit together, we believe that a handy-dandy guide on what to eat when you’re praying to the porcelain gods is both useful and necessary.
Here are the top five things your body is craving when you’re hungover and what to actually eat instead, because even though you feel like you’ll throw up any food you consume, the calories still count.
You’re Craving: Nachos
Eat: Beans and Avocado
Ok so while the whole green mushy thing may not SEEM totally appetizing when you’re dealing with a case of the spins, it actually is. Your body wants nachos and other greasy, cheesy shit because you’re dehydrated and low on protein and potassium. A cup of cooked black beans will give you a boost of magnesium (which will help cramps and general hangover discomfort) AND some B vitamins to help that whole “feeling like shit” thing. The avocado will boost your potassium levels, fixing your dizzy feeling, and will stabilize your sodium levels. So, grab a bean bowl slathered in some guacamole and you’ll be on the road to recovery. Just skip the cheese and chips.
You’re Craving: A pint of greasy Chinese food
Eat: Miso soup
We all, for some fucking reason, crave copious amounts of Asian cuisine when we’re experiencing regrets and borderline alcohol poisoning from the night before. But reaching for that bowl of rice and sesame chicken can actually make your hangover worse, thanks to a shit ton of salt and too much grease in your delicate tummy. Instead, grab some miso soup which will help rehydrate you (thanks, broth) and restock your depleted sodium levels. If you don’t have miso soup handy, you can get it from literally any self-respecting sushi place. Just order like 10 of them to meet the delivery minimum and be sure to say “Arigato!” to your delivery guy.
You’re Craving: A burger with bacon and cheese
Eat: An egg and smoked salmon sandwich
Like we said before, a ton of grease can make your hangover worse, and if you’re craving a burger, your body is pleading for protein. Replace that beefy burger with smoked salmon, which is rich in the good fatty acids and a great source of B12—all of which will make you feel better. The eggs have lots of calcium, Vitamin D, and even more B12. So, opt for the protein powerhouse that is an egg and salmon benedict over a greasy burger.
You’re Craving: A Bloody Mary
Eat/Drink: Tomato Juice
So for some reason we all still ascribe to the whole hair of the dog thing. It’s antiquated and super wrong, and sadly, can lead to even worse hangover symptoms. If you want the taste without the terrible side effects, make yourself a virgin Bloody Mary with tomato juice, celery, and a pickle or two thrown in. Tomato juice boosts your liver functions, which you definitely need after last night. The pickles will help even out your sodium levels, and the celery will help with hydration.
You’re Craving: Fries
Eat: Sweet potato fries
Ok so this is a win-win. You CAN have fries after your all-night drinking sesh, but make sure they’re spun from sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes are a great source of fiber, potassium, and B vitamins, all of which will aid in the recovery process. Because starches are harder for your body to quickly break down, you won’t experience a spike in blood sugar leaving you to crash later. We can’t guarantee you won’t crash later because you went to bed at 5am, but at least it won’t be from the carbs, right?